THE Over Reacting of a DIVA ( ;-) Easy Mac)

It's crazy how backwards I am. Most people put you through trials and tribulations before they can feel you have their trust- but Lindsay, her tactics are way different. When it comes to me, I do the opposite- I start off in most relations and friendship COMPLETELY naive and gullible. The funny thing is, once one lies to me, once one shows we I can not trust them, I never do again. Yes, I am somewhat forgiving, but the fact will remain that my emotions run deep. I can forgive but I never forget. Now I am getting to a point where I am critical of everyone- even the persons I know are JUST running game from the start. I have been allowing myself to feel too deeply of people who do not care about me at all- and that has to end. My problem is that I perceive people as if they are people who think like me, and the truth is- is that most people- nigga specifically, are not caring or careful- they're just careless.

In 2006 I have found that people are who they are. What you see is what you get and STILL in many cases what you get may be even less that what you see. All of these truths have lead me down this path- that cause me to be way too critical of the people I am involved with- both romantically and emotionally. Sometimes people are just busy. Sometimes people are just tired. It is true that maybe people MAY be with another girl, but none of that matters- you have to take things for face(book) value.

Right now I am feeling a little heartache from the rejection of my bABY. All I can really do is move on. People are who they are. Yahweh has purposed for my life to be the way it is. Maybe I don't have the mind right now to see the bigger picture, but I do have the mind to see that this is not the end for me. I will not have to always live vicariously through other people and there will not always be friend who judge by the relationships they are in & feel pity because they are being dragged through the mud. There will be a point when none of that matters. There will be a point when all of this that is happening to me will be a bad dream. It will be over.

The fact is I am just going through a rough patch in life right now. I feel like the men I have become accustomed to treat me like I am invaluable, and after being treated that way by so many people, you start to believe it. It's crazy that the certain people in my life who actually matter can tell me what a beautiful person I am and I won't believe it, but then someone who I really couldn't care less about can say one ineffectual thing- and it will stick with me. It's always easier to believe the bad things!

This month has been classic Lindsay. And I will say, that this has been by far the worse month of my adult life. What scares me even more is the fact that this month is not over, it could get worse! I am working through it though and I am getting over it. January will hopefully be here before I know it. The start to another Gregorian year (not Abib). However in the midst of all this drama and turmoil- I still can't stop thinking about Esco Bar- and what could have been. I had a dream about him the other nite, and it's funny that dreams are the only time when what is buried in you mind manifests its self. Yet & still, his dreams are coming true one after another. Esco Bar is Cinderella... and I just wonder- when will it happen for me?

Sometimes It's Just Better To FORGIVE & FORGET!!!

Harboring on past negative emotions will eat you alive. The people who have done you wrong are not sitting around in a room with their friends bashing you, they're not laying in bed while listening to sad slow songs crying, and they definitely aren't letting the pain they've caused you- to retard them from moving on an finding love or loyalty somewhere else. My best bet is they don't bring you up to their friends at all, their nights aren't spent in bed crying, but lying next to someone else and they did not learn to be a more caring and sincere person to the next one the befriend. So, why do we continue to punish ourselves for someone else's infirmities against us? Isn't the initial pain they've caused us punishment enough?

I know it will take time but I am trying to learn to move on and be happy. When I put all things aside I can acknowledge and realize that my past relationships had their rough spells, but I was truly loved. There weren't many moments when I wouldn't lay in bed crying, but I would look over and think to myself, "I can't believe he is mine." I had a person to fuss at, and when I questioned him about something- he gave me an answer. Yea, many of times the answer may have been a lie- but he gave me enough regards to do that. I know that in the past couple of years I have been kind of bitter- but I know that life does go on.

My girl ran into her ex boyfriend in the club and they had their first meeting since the BIG BREAK UP. She ended up crying and we had to leave the club a little early and even further she continued to ball the rest of the night in our friend's bathroom, but when she did calm down to talk to me for a minute, she told me that he admitted he wasn't happy and he made a mistake. Before he left she told him that she still loved him and she will always love him. Her statement made me realize that I feel the same way. Sometimes shit is so thick that you don't realize how much someone hurt you and what your true feelings really are. When you truly love a person that love NEVER ends, so it's selfish to ever have a person in your life and get upset with the fact that they are somewhat involved with an ex. Yes, there is a fine line of separation- but real love can never be lost.

The funny thing about life is that we get so wrapped up in portions that don't really matter that we miss the BIG PICTURE and the significant things go right over our heads. It's not that someone cheated. It's not that someone lied. It's not that someone left you shit faced and broken hearted. The BIG PICTURE is that for a moment- as brief as it may have been, you got to experience real love. Untainted, real love! All the bad spells in the world couldn't over ride that.

In the back of my mind I will have a little sour puss in me, I will always high light the "he did me wrong" eras, but the fact will ALSO remain that I am now acknowledging the good time also. I guess I regret that this didn't come earlier- then maybe my chances would have been clearer for Esco Bar, but I am starting to realize a lot about that situation also.

The other night I had a mutual friend of our's (Esco & I's) reveal some things about him and his childhood. I know that I have never come at him with nothing but admiration, but for some reason he always rejects what ever it is I am trying to express. I was convinced for a long time that it had something to do with Maize & Blue, but now I am realizing maybe it just had something to do with him.Those eighteen years you spend "growing up" shape your life. Every thing about them [the eighteen years]. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. If the walls could talk maybe we would bemore understanding of one another. I think that I came up in a certain manner that MAKES me acknowledge that everyone has personal battles and demons that maybe they just CAN'T overcome- I have yet to overcome my own. I know I have tried to address some of my issues, but I don't see them ever being resolved, so for a moment in time I know some things are just better left alone and sometimes it's just better to FORGIVE & FORGET!

As If I Didn't Write Enough In Today's First Post!...

Israel Kamakawiwo ole has made me think a lot about life lately. I guess his version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow kind of grew on me when I was at work. Then, after months of hearing it- and then hearing it on a Cheerios commercial(I think it was) I did some research and found out who the artist was. My girl CandASS downloaded it on my thumb drive for me and I have been dowsing myself in the song ever since. I found out Israel died in 97'... he released the song on his album back in 93' and the record company just up and decided to release it as a single in July! The song is some 80 years old, his version is 15 years old and the guy has been dead almost a decade and now- we're just realizing how great he was. I sometimes wonder will this be my fate? Will it be waaaay down the line when I am dead that someone finally realizes my worth?

Man, this song is so damn relaxing and deep. I want people to read my shit right now. I have a lot to say...

It's Been A Long Time, I Shouldn't Have Left You...

Well, where do I start? So much has happened since the last time I wrote in here. I really thought things were over with Big Time, but somehow we got back to talking and things are way different than before. I am actually ready to take things to another level with him, but the fact remains that he does not trust me. For some reason I have picked up on the fact that he believe I have a hidden agenda. There aren't too many things I can do to let him know how much I actually am feeling, and there is only so much more I can take. He hangs up on me and flips out on me for no apparent reason, and every time I hear the slightest apology- all is forgotten and forgiven. I don't know what it is about him, but it's another on of those destined crushes. I always want, what I could never have...

Esco Bar, dude took his rudeness to another level. He wouldn't even confirm me on facebook and when I sent him a note asking if we could "just be friends" he replies almost a month later- no, but I have a dude for you.... blah blah blah. First he wouldn't talk to me because of Maize & Blue, now this little troll who follows me around the club happens to be his boy- which adds on to the impossible task of grabbing his attention. It's been a long time coming, but I think I am done with Esco. Yea, he will always be one of the finest men I know, and after this year he will be one of the most adorn men in the history of OSU, but I can't force someone to see how much I like them- especially when all they force themselves to see is the bad in me.

Then comes my bABY, seems like that is another lost cause. No matter who I choose, low key or high profile- things NEVER work. It's always something. The time is never right. I think we are both just in different parts of our lives. He is much too young for me and now I am kicking myself for even letting me feelings seep in. Life is a bitch!

Who is left? No one really. At this point I am just dating a whole lotta dudes that don't matter. I guess I treat them like they treat me, I don't matter to them. My days are spent in boredom and my nights are spent lonesome. My life sometimes reads like and epic tale- but right now it's just tragic. I don't have any apparent drama with any females (for once), and I actually have a slew of cool chicks to hang around- but that can only do so much.

Funny shit, ATL hit me up from London the other day. I had a feeling it was going to be him when I saw the intl. number in my caller id, and of course he had an ear full for me. He had an excuse for every bitch calling me, he had an excuse for not e-mailing me back after a month, he had excuse on top of excuse. I am a forgiving person though, and I realize people make mistakes and should be forgiven for them when they gain enough courage to fess up and apologize for it. As of now, he did tell me his real age- 26, but the girlfriends and baby mama rumors are still false pretenses according to him?!?! I am not going to worry about it though- all comes to light in the end.

I guess I am learning that people have to do things in their own time. You can't rush them. Sometimes people are not quick to trust (Big Time) because they have been let down in the past(ME!!!). Sometimes people are really just tired (bABY), not with another girl and instead of tripping and making things worse- take the niggas work for it. And sometimes men are loyal (Esco Bar) and instead of trying to change his mind- one should just acknowledge what is honorable about being loyal- which is one of the reasons he is likeable to begin with. No rush we got nothing but time. Sometimes when you step back and be patient- things will work themselves out instead of forcing things- and shit ending up all bad- like it is now!

Skipping along to Polaris- I waited for a year and a half and now finally I think he is coming around- funny thing is I am so over it. 270 and 71 go South and North- that nigga can come see me. I am not even going to give have the regards of picking up my phone- there are so many other niggas I can waste my time with.

More than anything I am learning that I have quite a bit to be happy about. Auntie's Bubble Bee always smiling

or crying when I wake him up to talk to me, lol.
I have a group of chicks that I love hanging with & that show me love!

And even though I hate to admit it, there are SOME men in my life that I am having a blast with... "Pops" not my dad, even though he is old enough to be ;-) CandAss, lol. Either way, he is schooling me just like my Dad does. Just from being with him in the last year I learned that older men are not different than younger boys... they just have better cars (Sittin on that Mercedes, lol) and better real estate. Women have to do the growing up for both parties which is why we have to stay super focused. I just gotta stay focused and get this book written by the end of December. That the most important thing right now and this is the beginning of my career.

Men are crazy ya'll! I guess this is why I was so thoroughly disgusted by my last relationship some? four years ago (almost), that I am just now getting up and dusting myself off, lol. Wow- 2 Aaliyah quotes in one post! Anyhow- one never knows what's in store. Life gets better. I know what it means to be truly happy and I know what it means to be truly sad- and right now I am neither. As I meet more and more people I find- my problems are really nothing.

ONLY PUT OFF UNTIL TOMORROW WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO DIE HAVING LEFT UNDONE

This is what my fortune cookies read to my yesterday & it got me to thinking about life and procrastination. What I am doing to demean my progress by putting things off. I am just doing a shit load of evaluating and self- examination. I am no longer the person I was some three months ago, much has changed. People I thought were my friends, turned out to be like the rest of them. I will say I have picked up quite a few new acquaintances, but one can never know what is going to happen in the next week. All I can say is I am keeping my guard up, watching what the fuck I say to whom and more importantly I am trying real hard to be the friend that people want and need.

I am just starting to realize how important this blog is. If I were to die tomorrow 10's of 100'2 of people who have access to this little preservation of my life that I made. It is not like a picture, or a bad memory that is over ridden by all the GOOD, it's the honest to Yahweh truth. Yet and still, people can still misinterpret. I would hate for my mother to read this blog and conclude that she was a bad mom, even though I feel like she put me through hell both mentally and physically- she is the most important person in my life and if she were taken from me tomorrow- I can't even fathom how I would live another day. I would hate for anyone to One day read this when I am gone and conclude anything negative- because me intent has always been something different.

Things just aren't always what they seem. I am struggling with the fact that I can not have any of the guys I want. Big Time, Aby, Esco Bar, Sean, man- no one. It comes a point when you have to stop pointing fingers and realize, "Maybe it's me!?!?" What is wrong with me, what is it that I do wrong? Am not pretty enough, is my heart to broken? Do I cry to much, am I too outspoken? Didn't I make you laugh, should I try it harder? Why do you see right through me?... then next thing you know you are in a song, the chorus is over, the first verse is entering & tears are all down you face. So I am deciding to stop this now. I am not going to settle- I am just going to set in.

I am setting into my goals. I would love for someone to sweep me off my feet and love me like I have never been loved, but the fact is I am only 23 and got plenty of time to be in love. The reality that strikes me is that I don't have forever to make a success out of myself. Guys stop talking to me because I won't have sex with them, but instead of considering the fate- I just need to realize that someone who isn't willing to wait until I am comfortable is not worth being with me. Yea, my girls may do this and my girls may do that- but what's good for them is not good for me. The girls I rolled with in high school were into things I was not. Man! My two best females friends from high school are both mothers of 3 year olds! My road dog for life is on baby #2. So maybe, just maybe succoming to what the men I like want from me is not such a good idea!

I have plenty of demons riding my back that I am constantly battling. I am not happy with who I am right now, but I am realizing that TODAY is the day to do something about it. When Esco is around I am not going to talk loud and try to get his attention, I am just going to cope with the fact he will NEVER talk to me because of Maize & Blue. Is it his mistake? maybe not, maybe it was just never meant to be. Maybe if I had have been with him it would have caused my life more damage than good, so I am going to learn to leave it be. I have a whole list of things I am not comfortable with leaving the same if I were to die tomorrow. There are people that NEED to know I love them. Old bonds that need to be rekindled. I need to see my nephews face. I need to Sean, just one more time. I need to finish this book. I need to get rid of a lot of baggage that has held me back way too long. I would hate for my parents have to come in my apt. tomorrow and rubbish through painful memories I never got rid of. It's time.

Concluding...

I have come to a conclusion in the last year... there is no way in hell I can change someone's views once their mind is made up. It doesn't matter if it's about religion or their first impressions or misinformation about me. No matter how much you like a person, no matter how sincere you are- there is just a point when you have to give up and move on. He is never going to make a mysterious call confessing that he was wrong all along, she is not going to send an e-mailing apologizing for her disloyalty, it is all up to you to let it go... all the feelings, good or bad.

I can't let things be heavy on my heart anymore. I am sick and tired of being this sincere friend and I am I even more tired of being put on the back burner. There are things that are much more important- and I plan to find them. I am sick of arguing, sick of pleading my case. I won't look back in regret- but you will!

Hypocrite...

I've been thinking about Esco Bar a lot lately. He's just another addition to that list, you know the one I am talking about; the list of all the truly great guys that I have like- but could never have. It's pure agony, because some way or another I see him everyday. It's like Yahweh is teasing me or something. I just can't come to grips with the fact that he will NEVER be mine.

The funny or ironic thing about our situation is the fact that he is a hypocrite. People understood that he made a mistake and people forgave him. Yeah, it seems that every time he makes a brilliant move, there is someone there to bring up the unforgivable past, yet and still that is overridden by his greatness. I wish he has that same virtue. I wish he could hear me out and I wish he could understand that I made a mistake. No matter whether it is my family, an old friend or just a random person- there is ALWAYS someone there to bring up my mistake. But somehow, I am not forgiven. I can not have the man I want and sadly- I can't move on.

In January is will have been four years... four years!!! What is going on with me that it has been four years? What am I doing wrong? I guess I just have a lot of soul searching to do. I just don't have a clue about men. I think I know how to act and what to do, I just act the right way with the wrong man. I need to learn to decipher what the differences are with men and I need to do it soon. I am sick of making decisions for other people- I am finally going to do what's good for me! I am not going to take heed to the judgment of others. I don't care one thinks he is too young, not cute enough, etc. What really matters is how I feel. If I could get back to that moment in the union nearly three years ago, things would be so different now. I was so concerned with what my friends thought. 2003 is far behind me.

More than anything I wish he could see that we're not so different. How can he expect people to forgive him and forget- when he won't even give me the time of day- just a chance?

STR8 TRIPPIN'

I just don't know where my life is going anymore. I've been kind of sad lately and I am not quite sure who there person in the mirror is. Found out a lot of shit about ATL today. Yea, he is another I am definitely writing off indefinitely. What's funny is the fact that I still want to give him a chance to tell his side of the story. What I do know is, he has been deceiving me since the day that I met him back in March. Pure DECEPTION. I am not even mad though. It's a shame that I am so use to disappointment from men, that it doesn't even phase me anymore. Furthermore, I am just sick and tired of disappointing people. My friends, my fam, just in general I am sick of being let down. It's like I can't even love the same way I use to...

I was thinking about something last night- I am 23, and I was thinking about a lot of good memories I have. But what scares me is the possibility that the best part of my life has already happened! I know that makes me sound like a pessimist, but it's really how I feel!

I also got to thinking about "Charge it to the Game!" How through out the last five years I have tried calling him, e-mailing him. I will never forget the last time I saw him during winter break of my freshman year. I was still working at next, and he came in wearing his letterman's jacket and a sling from hurting his arm. Since then, we have exchanged a few e-mails but, that's it. He graduated and moved to California earlier this year. My e-mail address got de activated... so it's official, it's over between us. I will never know what happened- why we aren't friends anymore. I will never know how he felt about me all those years. And what's really crazy is the fact that I will probably never see him again. We will always be on opposite sides of the country. Yeah, our parents are still in Cleveland, but that means nothing. One day, he will die & I will never get to say goodbye. I won't be able to show my respects to his parents. I won't be able to attend his funeral. This happened with Jason, but with Charge it to the Game, it will mean so much more... it will be a deeper pain. I took a lot in life for granted. And what has me trippin' is the fact that these people will never know how I felt!

M.I.A.

I feel like I have posted anything on here in a good long while. A lot has transpired over the last two weeks and I have really become a different person over night. Well, good N.E.W.S. ;-) first. My nephew Ethan was born on September 11, 2006 (Monday)... and he is just a joy. I am really happy to be an aunt and even though it is stressful, I know that this baby is going to change the lives of everyone in my family.

Well, facebook... or someone on facebook pissed my off- because he didn't confirm me? So, I guess I have to take it for "face" value. I am learning to love only the ones who are deserving. I made a mistake where concerning Boston. I think he is someone who should be kept a friend. It is funny that you can converse with someone daily for two years and still misjudge who they are. I honestly thought he was a person who was sensitive and now it seems that he doesn't even care about me sincerely. I am not too upset about it, because he will look back and realize that he messed up a good thing. It is what it is.

ATL's phone was cut off last time I called him. I thought he just fell off the face off the earth without even saying goodbye. With him, it was actually getting to me because I couldn't understand how someone who was so vocal about how they felt about me could just disappear with no regards. Then yesterday I was awakened by his call. The long ass phone number in my phone let me know it was an international call. So, now he went from ATL, to Alabama, to Mexico now he is overseas in London :'-( but somehow- everything between us is still fine. I guess I can finally use all those minutes I have collected on my calling card for the last five years. I never thought they would come in handy b/c I have a cell phone- but international calls are a bitch!

Putting all this aside, I am just mad stressed out. I have been having the craziest dreams and I am not quite sure where my life is headed. I did meet a new "young" man, and we are supposed to hook up tonite for the first time. I think he may be a little too young, but guess I will find out where his head is tonite. Maybe by tomorrow I will like him to much that he will have a code name on here- then again... maybe not.

Big Time!!! I have NO idea what is going on between us. We had a real nice time last week when I was home, but I haven't heard from him since- which could mean many things. Either way, I am done calling and texting. I will hit him up on his birthday next month- but until then, I am done.

I guess I am kind of stressed out and a little restless. I am sick of dealing with men who are so cold. My college career has been nothing but shenanigans of Negroes who couldn't care less about me, which wouldn't be a problem if I didn't care about them in return- but I am not like that. I am really on a quest for love. I will not settle and I will not stop until I find it. I just need to get rid of a lot of baggage in my life...

Roll With The Punches

Sometimes Yahweh will have you see something bad in order to make a change in your life. He will expose you to just enough pain to realize that maybe someone is not a good match for you. That happened to me yesterday. Though, I would be a lie to say I was not still hung up on Polaris, after seeing him at Carlyle last night- I realize that he doesn't respect me like he should. Then there is that Iota nigga I use to talk about a lot. He was making passes at me all night. The funny thing is, I am really over him. He is still cute, he can still dress his ass off, but now- there is just something different about my perspective. I am not mad, I am grateful.

Anyhow, I think ATL left for France and I really didn't get to say goodbye, which is my fault. He called me and texted me like 3 times when I was with Chi-Town the other night. Six months will go by before I know it and if I am lucky- he will send for me like he tried to do in Mexico.... hopefully I can leave the U.S. and get a break from the drama.

After all, seasons change- so do cities. People come into your life and people go. But, its comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart- and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away!
~Carrie Bradshaw Sex & The City

I just know now for a fact that things will always turn in my favor I just have to learn to take the difficult times more gracefully. You know, Roll With The Punches!

Let Me Cater To You... You're So Vain, I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You

It has come to my attention that there are many misconceptions about my blog. Some think it was created to start or fuel drama. Others think it is an underhanded scheme to confront them. Truth be told, this blog is for me and me only. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind folk reading up on me so that they can see what's going on in my life- but the things I write are not meant to be interpreted or judged by anyone other than myself. This disclaimer is not directed towards anyone in particular, but I just wanted to clear some things up in my own mind. Everyone out here thinks that the world revolves around them. Everything I mention in this blog just HAS to be talking about them. Have you ever had the mind to consider that maybe you have a GUILTY CONSCIENCE? When enfact most times I am not talking about you at all! Think about that.

A friend of mine recently told me that she doesn't understand my blog concept because I am just airing my dirty laundry. This is not the truth, I tell of good predicaments I have also. There is nothing wrong with venting, it's healthy! The thing is I AM NOT going to change or discontinue my blog in order to CATER to the two people who are offended by it. There are some cute guys ;-) out there who believe me to be a fabulous writer and think this blog is hilarious. There are some chicks out there who say, "your shit is entertaining as hell." So, should I stop writing and speaking my mind in order to CATER to the few persons who are so self conscious that they think I am writing about them? I think not!

It's cool to mend broken pieces and it is sometimes even better to "salvage" relationships, but some things are better left alone. I am just sick and tired of being the better person, I am sick of being stripped of reciprocity, and I done with people not meeting me half way. There is no way in hell I am going to keep apologizing when I was not the only one in the wrong. I know my faults- I acknowledge my infirmities, but I am also a Taurus and I am stubborn down to the last drop. Don't be a fool, I DO NOT HOLD "GRUDGES," I am just at the point in my life where I am a no nonsense type of individual. I am sick of drama and I am sick of being involved in other people's drama! I don't have a man, I don't have any kids, I am not going through any mental family issues with my family at the moment, and as far as other females are concerned- I have plenty of peeps to chill with and relate to. There is no reason for me to be concerned with someone's baby daddy troubles. There is not point for me sitting around hearing someone BASH other females- then roll with them, what for? I am not getting involved with any of that shit anymore, I am staying to me- and that's it.

The fact will remain, that I am all about self. I spent two decades of putting other people first, now it is me time. Hell no I am not going to sensor my blog. Hell no I am not going to be overly tactive or consider what others think about what I have to say, because people are always going to think what they want to think . People are always going to find a way to twist your words, no matter what you do. There is always going to be drama; even when you're lying at home sleep in your bed, someone across town will be accusing you of some thing. I will not CATER to anyone other than myself in this blog, plain and simply- that is not up for discussion. You're So Vain, I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You!

Don't You?

I Couldn't Care Less

Friends, what are friends really? Just another word for disguised foes! I learned this at a young age, and nothing has changed. This will be about my fifth time stating this on my blog (yes, I've been counting), but I have no sense of loyalty to any female outside my bloodline! That's real! It's amazing how people want you to do so much for them, but as soon as you pay their shady ways back on them- they can't handle the heat. Some need to take their OWN advice, and look in the mirror!

Another thing I realize about myself recently is that I like a little bit of drama in my relationships. "A soul that hasn't been tested isn't worth a tinkers damn." I can tell a lot about a person by how the treat me when we fall out. The guys who are still nice and speak in passing, those are the ones who are mature and maybe I should think twice about our falling out. But the little immature bastards who resolve to calling damaged goods (I guess that's a cowards way of calling someone a hoe), and lashing out- proves nothing except for the fact that they are CRAZY! And, if you didn't know your code name, there it is- CRAZY.

The fact will always remain that I am a good woman. I carry myself well, I pay my own bills, I am putting myself through college (no matter how long it take :-/), I am a great friend and most importantly- I love who I am. This is why I KNOW bitches are jealous of me and this is why niggas start getting even more CRAZY when I am not giving them any play. I don't put myself out there and contrary to not so popular belief I am not a hoe. I am very sincere about everything I do. I guess this is why having friends never really was never a big issue to me. I am happy with just being a good person in general. I know some people see that in me & appreciate me, while other choose to be jealous instead. I know longer get mad at fall outs, because most people really don't matter, most people's opinions are SHIT to me, and most people don't really care about or love me deep down inside... so, I Couldn't Care Less!!!

It's Whatever!

I am starting to realize that you can't make anyone happy except yourself. It's always going to be something, some factor, some comment that someone takes the wrong way. There are always going to be those people who don't like you. There are always going to be people you don't like. Either way, the most we can do is focus on what we need out of life in order to be happy. No matter what toes we have to step on and what cost we have to pay, if you are happy at the end of the night- that's all that really matters.

This blog is starting to cause me so much drama. Random ass folk making comments about my posts & ethnicity? Random ass niggas getting offended because I say what I feel about them? The thing is, I am not on here for anyone satisfaction but my own. If you can't stand the heat get the fuck out the kitchen. If you don't want to read what I have to say- it's so simple to refrain from clicking on my profile's link. Are you serious?

Right now I am not going to be angry about anything. I had a great time and met some really nice women on Saturday. It is kind of hard to meet nice females to roll with at OSU, but I just did and I am really ecstatic about that. Celeste will be a married woman by the end of the week and Elise will be a mother by the end of next week. I am not going to let anybody or anything ruin that for me. I have been kicking it with a couple of cool dudes in CO, which are helping me with being homesick from Big Time. And that's all folks! I am sick of biting my tongue- fuck it!

People are always going to talk bad about me. Bitches are always going to start rumors about me. Niggas will always lie on their dicks. That's the way of the world. If you people don't know by now, I have learned to live with it- if I hadn't I would have killed myself a loooon time ago. I've just been sitting back and ruminating over the past decade. I was at Kirk Middle School ten years ago. The people I cared about then, the people I cared about at Shaw, even some of the people I cared about at OSU are gone from my mind- a distant memory. I am not about to stress myself out about people who I probably won't be in my life a year from now. I am definitely not going to stress myself out over people who I will probably never see again in my life! I am by no means a child, I do what grown folk do. I don't vandalize cars and I don't need to belittle others- and when I do, I don't get super offended when they do the same in return! I am me, inside and out- take it or leave it. I know who I am and I know what I need and want out of life... if you are reading this and find yourself enraged or guilty- then maybe you need to reevaluate your life, because it's whatever. You know where to find me!

My Mom Always Tells Me This Story...

About when I was a little girl and how sweet I was. She tells me that, even as a child I was a really good friend, and she would watch other children mistreat me (one in particular- who will be married next week) and it would piss her off. She said one night she decided to talk to me about it, but when I responded I began crying and told her that she was going to make me think that I didn't have any friends. She said at that point she never brought it up again. Well, now it's 2006 and I call her a lot and mention different acquaintances. It is only a matter of time before I am calling with news about how the bitches have betrayed me. In many ways I am still that same gullible heart felt little girl, but over the years I have wised up. I know the difference between my girl and my friends.

I am not the one to swing the word "friend" around lightly. No, by no means is my sincerity in question- but, I often wonder how phony the company I keep is. Who is talking beind my back, who is jealous- no! envious of me (because we all know Yahweh is jealous... the real meaning of the word states that one who is jealous is worthy of praise, and these bitches ain't worth of anything), who should I trust.

"Never have any friends less than yourself!"

When you roll with bitches you have to watch them closer than you watch you enemies. It's always the ones closest to you who have to undermined scheme. I guess this is why I have been hurt more by the people who I care for rather than elsewhere.

There are a lot of things my mother told me. There are a lot of things she still tells me. Some have come to past, some I acknowledge, so I rebel against- but all are probably true. I am becoming more of a woman everyday and I am proud of that. I am learning that there are less and less people I can count on, but I am blessed to have the ones who are permanent. Life is constantly progressing. A month from now life as I have known it will be COMPLETELY different. Celestial will be married and most importantly Elise will be a mother. I just hope that she will be half of the mother that our mom has been to us. She did some fucked up shit when we were coming up, but her good has ALWAYS outweighed her bad. And, more than anything I hope that I will be able to express to my mother what she has been to me... my everything. And though I hurry her off the phone here, and start an argument with her there nothing will change the fact that the most repeated line in my vocabulary is My Mom Says....

My Jason Dorsey

Rest In Peace my love. I'll see you when I get there homie!
August 24, 1982- April 17, 2003

Cutting The Grass

I think it's amazing how niggas claim to be "grown men," but at the end of the night they're just as petty and ignorant as these dead beats on the corner! One can talk and talk and talk to a nigga about respect until their ears fall off, but none of that will matter because they will still do the same dumb shit that makes you not take them seriously to begin with.

I was cool with this nigga who claims he wants me to be his woman?... yet, he is fucking a girl I roll with? Bad for business. Then we converse and dissect some shit, and he runs back and tells his boy? He tells his boy I am hating on him? He tells his boy not to talk to my friend I am hooked him up with? So, what the fuck is this niggas logic? You think making your nigga not like me and making one of my closest friends pissed off at me is going to make me take you under consideration? SAVE THAT SHIT FOR THE BIRDS!

See L. ain't got to hate on anyone. I am comfortable in my skin and the more I live the more I realize that if I question how real a nigga is from the jump- I prolly shouldn't trust him. I was right my sophomore year and no matter what piece of paper he got, what job he claims, which house he bought- he is still the same old nigga claiming to be a grown man. The funny thing is, grown men don't act in that manner. What happens between us, stays between us! The reason I know so much about a REAL man is because I lived with one for 18 years.

I am not fool. I said it before and I will say it again, I may portray the facade of a dumb blonde, but I couldn't be farther from it. I know who my real friends are (none of which anyone reading knows), I know who really is down for me & cares about me, and lastly, I know what niggas is just after their own profit- bitches too! I take care of me first in any situation. I don't care enough to stress about anyone outside my blood line other than Derrick. So, if you're wondering- keep it moving. There is only one I will change or repent for, he already knows my heart so their is no need. As far as you sneaky ass serpents... I been cutting the grass!!!

This Dyke Got Life Fucked Up...

Okay, a fact is a fact- I can not stay out of drama's way! Man, latest news= this random bitch is slandering my name. She thinks I am e-mailing her and apparently someone broke into her bucket last night, so she is blaming me for that too. My girl Tiff said someone broke out her car window- so I'm Rambo now I guess? Bitch please!

I am realizing that hoes blame shit on me because they think I am childish and pathetic like them. This hoe had to run to all these niggas that she knows I talk to and start rumors about me having STD's and sleeping around. Anyone who believes that is a fool, because niggas KNOW Lindsay keeps to herself. It's fucking amazing that I haven't seen or talked to this bitch in three months and she still has my name in her mouth. I already knew she was jealous of me, but now I am pretty convinced that she is in love with me. My girl Tiff would always tell me how she would make comments about me being pretty, man the Dyke needs to back the fuck up! I will never be with another BITCH! EVER! Gross!

I just wonder why hoes can't get me off their mind. What is it about me? I need to know. I know why niggas fiend- but what satisfaction out of life do you get from hating another female that you don't even have to deal with? Questions. Soooooo many questions I have about crazy bitches.

What I do know is this, I am me and I am comfortable in my skin. I am happy with what I am doing in life and if anyone has a problem or complaint- come holla at cha girl! Ain't no bitch in me. I don't have to plot under handed schemes in the middle of the night. I gets up close and personal. E.C. all day! I ain't worried about any bitches, I could care less about a hoe. I am too concerned with looking at my beautiful ass in the mirror- that I don't have time to waste else where... unless I am scouting niggas(men only!) of course. Fuck what you heard, fuck what you think, get a life and you won't have to waste time tryna figure out about me... And one more thing, if you didn't have so many damned enemies, you wouldn't be confusing who is fuckin wit you bitch ass. Maybe you need to fall back and stop talkin shit! Signing off... L. to the J.

I Ain't Thinking About You...

I was thinking about forgiveness today. My girl Tiffany hit me up and told me a story about this girl we fell out with. She said the girl called her and was begging for forgiveness, lol. It's funny how after all this time she is still thinking about us! It's like Deja vu again, in a way.

Eliot and I fell out in March when I went to ATL. He did the kindergarten act and wrote shit on facebook, but after 2 hours of it, I decided to be an adult. I blocked him on facebook, blackplanet, instant message, etc. Then after so long he decided to start begging me for forgiveness. First he somehow convinced Celeste to give him her pass code on facebook so he could stalk, harass and write me from her page- I caught on to his game. Then he started hitting Erin and Nikki up?- PATHETIC. Now I get the constant texts and voicemails from him and I just need to let him know I ain't thinking about him at all. Don't get it twisted, I do forgive- I just don't forget. I know all these apologies are in order because of Celeste's Wedding next week. What, did he think he was going to stay with me for free or something? Crazy!

People usually apologize when they are looking for personal gain, so I am always skeptical of sincerity. I am always sincere when I apologize, so what of it? Am I a hypocrite for thinking that some aren't real? I dunno!

Ok, new topic... Big Time. This nigga played me something serious this weekend when I went home. I really don't know what to take from it though. I just think he doesn't take me seriously (as most guys don't- for some reason). I don't want to give up on it, for reasons that are obvious(to any of my FRIENDS who are reading), but I can't play the fool. I don't know if I am looking for love- but I am looking for something and he seems to be it.

As for Polaris... three calls and counting. I am so proud of myself- for I can't remember the last time I lasted this long. Ignoring his calls has been hard, but I think I have finally gotten over the hump. A pretty face won't always do it. A pretty body won't always do it. The best gear won't always do it. The best... let's just say, Polaris ain't doing it for me no more. And even though Big Time isn't running smooth- I am happy and content with my love life.


Belated Birthday to ATL my babe turned 24 on Saturday! WOW!

The World Is Being Sifted...

From Being Young Black & Gifted (112)

I know what I want in a man, someone with ambition and talent- nothing more nothing less. Smart guys are cool, cute guys are easy on the eyes, thugs are nice- if you're "in it for the minute;" but when it comes to longevity- I need any want someone who can hold a conversation about life!

I don't know where I am going to be a year from now, but I decided today that it's going to be far from here. I just need to room to breath; a place where I can start over fresh. I want to go to a city where no one knows my name and no one THINKS they can dissect anything about me. It's nothing more appetizing than when you meet a new person and you get to start from scratch, well that's how I want to live my life... until I make it right.

Hopefully I meet someone along the way who is a real Black man. Someone who doesn't feel like I owe them something just because they have an education, someone who doesn't think they know more than me because the came up on a rougher side of town and someone who is not going to judge my past I had with other men but only the present I have with them. I'm not going to settle.

Everyone Is A Self Proclaimed genius...

It's funny how someone, even a stranger can read one entry from your blog or talk to you for all of twenty minutes and all of a sudden they are this psychiatrist who knows the depth to your every problem. I just hate judgment! Whether it come from friends, co- workers or just some random person I don't even know, I can't accept it [judgment], because judgment from a person does just as much good as a blood transfusion from someone who is HIV positive. It will get you no where fast and in a hurry!

Two of the people I work with are always calling me "CRAZY", but what they fail to realize it that everyone is crazy. The ones who deny it (like they do) are the worse because those are the mutha fuckas who show up to work with an AK-47 (shout out to Mo Clarett, lmao) and start blasting! Well, time and time again they call me "CRAZY," so today I called the one girl "Holier than thou" and for some reason (which is NOT beyond me) I think she may have been offended. She took the commonly use road and replied, "that's just what YOU think," and I had to immediately inform her that many other people pick that up from her personality too. The funny and hypocritical thing is, for the last four months I have set back and let her point out my infirmities and call me "CRAZY" repeatedly, but the ONE time I struck back and called her "Holier than thou" (which she truly is), she had the nerve to get offended? It just goes to show, people usually are quick to point out the faults of others when deep down inside they know, they are the ones who are really fucked up!

Then this other mutha fucka I work with, no matter what the subject.... sports, psych, nationalities- he thinks he is an expert. And if you know just a little bit- about me, you know I am not taking anyone's word for anything. I am open, I will listen, but I am always quick to research it or ask, "Where did you get that info from?" My other work friend lashed out on me one day and said I was a know it all and that I am never wrong. It's funny that when you question someone they jump to the defense and want to lash out on you when the fact shall remain, that if their stories and information were true- it would not be hard to prove. Every time the one guy starts a conversation- I just want to scream... what formal education do you have? But instead, I just nod my head. I now realize, people have to feel important. People have to pretend to be "HOLY." People have to do certain things to reach their own equilibriums, because when they don't do this- they don't feel sane, and if they don't feel sane- then for once in their lives, they will have to admit they aren't perfect, they are a little crazy and they don't know everything about everything. But instead, these types of people will probably continue on with the rest of their lives pointing fingers so they can keep this equilibrium, and those of us who Yahweh has permitted to see the truth will sit back and see them for what they are.... CRAZY, just like everyone else, just like the rest of us!

When Niggas Get Their Feelings Hurts...

A whole heap of emotions come running out. Every problem they ever had with you, all the infirmities they recognized in you, what kind of man they really are just all leaks out. I guess this is why I try so hard to make guys I am feelings mad, in a round about way it let's me know how they REALLY feel about me and further it let's me know what kind of a man(or the lack of a man) they really are. You can tell a lot about a man's character by how the treat ex-girlfriend's and such.

At this point in my life I am trying hard not to become cynical, but it's tough when you're dealing with assholes. We're living in a world where the Black man thinks he's God's gift to the world and Black men with degrees think they're God himself? Just because you have a piece of paper does not make you better than anyone! The most intelligent and revolutionary people I know barely have formal education. And unless I have some sort of defining experience in the next year, the important things over life that I have learned had nothing to do with The Ohio State University. Just because it has syrup on it doesn't make it pancakes, just because you have an engineering degree doesn't make you better than ANYONE, and if you believe that- you're a fool!

In 2006 it seems that there are very few who are content, everyone is compensating for something. So guys have to talk down on females in order to feel important when the reality is they are just another ugly nerd. Don't get me wrong I love my friends, but I hate when they take shit off a nigga who ain't worth a damn. I will Never be that girl! NEVER!

I am just so sick of people judging me. They read my away messages and conclude I am "angry", the to read my body language and conclude I am "mean" and they read my blog and think they are my fucking psychologist... maybe you should all read my lips and "Kiss my ass!" lol, I was talking to one of my co-workers the other afternoon on his last day working with the company and she told me that she wanted to let me know how nice I am. She said she had seen me walk through he dept. for two years and by the look on my face she automatically thought I had a nasty attitude, but now after working with me over the summer she was shocked to find that I was a clown just like her. It's funny, people spend so much time judging someone on their outside appearance that they never scratch the surface. That's something to think about!


Change of subject. I have some new found friends to kick it with. They are all pretty, down to earth and more than anything they are not uptight buy comical as hell. We went out to dinner they clubbing Saturday to celebrate Erin's 21st birthday. I got 2 fortunes(P.F. Chang's fortune cookies) and this is what they read...

A mysterious person will soon enter your life

Cooperate with those who have both know-how and integrity

I've been doing number two- but number one has yet to be seen...

Holy Is The Lamb

...Satanic spirit, all carnal mind,
Walking round thinking everything was fine!
Then Kinley preached the gospel and he made me see,
The sin is ignorance and I’m guilty.
Vanity, iniquity, ya’ll better here me...
I’ve been weighing the balance came up short.
I looked over my life it’s just a bad report!
Kinley preached the gospel and he made me see
Its me- I’m the enemy! Its me- I’m guilty!
Yahweh please, have mercy.
I’ve been sentenced, make no mistake,
I have a reservation straight to the lake.
And right now, what I need to do,
Is ask a little mercy from you.
And still all we can say is holy holy Yahweh...

This has to be the hottest Gospel song ever created!

Self Titled...

In this last year I have learned that I have to do what makes ME happy. I can't continue to focus on what makes everyones else's life easier, because at the end of the night I only have myself. I use to always tell Maize & Blue that, "take care of yourself, because no one else will." So, I am finally taking my own advice- practicing what I preach. It doesn't really matter what looks right to the persons on the outside looking in, as long as I can look in the mirror and be happy.

ATL has been pressuring me I feel. I wish I had gotten a job in the beginning of the summer so I could have afforded to visit him now. He will be paying for my trip- but my bills @ home will be waiting, so I have to take one for the team and pass. So, I missed the trip to Mexico, the trip to ATL, and if I don't get my shit together soon- I will be missing the trip to PARIS! ATL will now be moving to Paris next month to play basketball. I sometimes wonder what could have or would have been if I would have graduated in May like expected. If I would have had the mind set that I have now, last summer- my life would be completely different! But, instead, all I have now if half a dozen guys in half a dozen cities urging me to hurry and get my degree so I can move. Life is funny like that.

Okay, I talked to Big Time the other night for all of two hours. It's been a long time since I have had a conversation for that length of time on the phone. I know I said I wouldn't mention him anymore, but after our conversation I see that he isn't as secretive as I. What I do know is that this may be going somewhere. He isn't way in the south like ATL, he isn't having women troubles like Boston and he definitely doesn't treat me in the same manner as these niggas who live in CO do. I think I am ready to get rid of Polaris.... when I move into my new apartment I am just going to move on period.

I am not a player, but I am going to do what I have to do to make mySELF happy. If someone is judging me- let that be their problem. I am 23 and I am still waiting to have my first love. I am 23 and I am still waiting to make an impression on this world. I am 23 and I am waiting to finally live. It will happen.

Maurice Clarett, you're in my prayers. I will ALWAYS be a fan, I am not fair weather- I know(firsthand) that people make mistakes, some that can be reversed and others that are life altering. Shit happens! All you people out their judging and commenting on him and his situation- take the time to look in the mirror. When is the last time you examined yourself? The time is now.

"Drive Slow Homie... Drive Slow Homie

Ya never know homie/ might meet some hoes homie
Ya need to pump your brakes and drive slow homie" ~Kanye West Drive Slow


Lately I feel like I don't even have time to live anymore. It's always running I have to do, I never have time to just look around and appreciate the world and all it's splendor. After Elise's baby shower Saturday I hooked up with Big Time and chilled with him for a LONG while. I use to always see girls riding with guys like him and I would be so jealous. For once in my life- I was that girl. I swear in two hours, I saw every hood street the east side of Cleveland has to offer... St. Clair, 10-5, Eddy Road, Shaw, Union, Harvard, Kinsman, Superior, Euclid, 152nd, Buckeye... the list goes on. I sat there sippin on champagne and got lost as time to slowed down, I unwound and was in deep thought. Those are the times when you really get to know a person. It's not about what they got on, what song is playing, the crew they roll with- it's you, him and conversation.

I am realizing that I've come across a guy unlike anyone I have ever dealt with. This is "New" to me because I am always analyzing and comparing niggas. Even the ones who surprise me in the beginning- end up being the same. I am pretty sure Big Time has some thing under his sleeve- but for the most part I am convinced that he isn't the average everyday. We already "fell out" once (on his accord), so I already know the other(crazy) side of him- so I don't think there is anything I have to worry about. All I can say is a nigga like him will have me wanting to make that move back home, but we will see. We are just so much alike... secretive- the who nine. In light of that(secrecy), I've decided to no longer make mention of him in this blog, or at least I will try not to. Hopefully things will work out and at the least we will remain cool people, time will tell.


"My Best Friends Say I'm Bottled Up, I Need a Fuckin Therapist/...
But I Can't Think of Nobody I Wanna Share This Wit/..." ~ Pharrell Best Friend

Yesterday was my Derrick's 24th birthday and I didn't even get to talk to him. Seems like I haven't been talking to much of anyone lately. My life has taken a drastic turn. Really ain't been up in the club like I use to and I been more focused on getting my life together. I kind of feel secluded. My boy A.J. has been hitting me up like every other day to kick it, the last two summers we were inseparable- but now I am just a dead beat friend. Last time Mel and I kicked it was in April I think, & Ro & I last kicked it on her birthday in February... GEEZ- I am just fallin off. It's funny how life can be so great yet so fucked up all in the same moment. I am just trying hard to stay focused and not be discouraged- but I just don't know anymore.

I guess I am hoping things do work out with Big Time (okay I promise- no more mentioning of him) so I can have someone to talk to, to vent to, to be real with- because this blog shit ain't forever. That's the thing about a Blog, there's no reciprocity, nor feed back. If I keep on like this, I'm gonna drive myself CRAZY!

Running With Scissors...

Some things in life are just DANGEROUS. We know what we're getting into before me even begin- yet we still "run" right into it! Friends give us advice, your parents taught you better, even your conscience knows- but you just can't help the urge. That's how I'm feelings these days. All the signs are telling me to head in the other direction, but I just can't.

"What do you do, when you know somethings bad for you, and you still can't let go?" ~Christina Aguliera Walk Away

Big Time called me the Sunday. I really thought that was over but it's not. I called him back last night- our conversation was brief, you know- straight to the point. It's not over. This time around I am going to watch what I say- because maybe he is the one that shouldn't be compared to everyone else. I try no to do it, but most men are so predictable; I always have to keep my distance because I can't allow myself to start believing I am the only one. Before I know it I am finding hair in the sink that isn't my color, bracelets on the ent. center that aren't my style, and pictures on the counter that weren't captured of me. For once, it will be nice to know I am the only one.

I had another nigga "like" Big Time last summer and he turned super psycho. I guess guys like them are always great to be in a relationship with, but everything else in life is a little more tricky. It's a gamble, do I want stability in life or stability in a relationship? These days I am not sure. I know I should just opt. to have neither- because I have never been a settler, but I guess after this weekend I will know. I'm going home to throw Elise's baby shower and I told him I would like to hang out. I just need to pay attention and see where his head is. I am sick of dealing with college BOYS(lame ass Kappa). I am sick of dealing with athletes(Maize and Blue... Thrill ain't biting either). The average niggas ain't worth a damn either(Polaris). So now, I am going to try to deal with another type of man. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. I know he is the kind of guy I should just be in it for the minute with- but I think I want the long haul.


On another note I wrote an old friend today. I haven't talked to her in a while because of some drama we had about two years ago, but I thought I would try to salvage things finally. It kind of got me to thinking about forgiveness. I guess Big Time forgave me and I guess we will see what happens with her. I guess I never did anything wrong to her, so there isn't exactly anything to forgive me about, but it will be nice to see her perspective on things. I got an e-mail from someone myself- I guess it was challenging me. I can remember when the AKA wanna be hit me up last year it was kind of amazing. She was someone I actually though was my friend until she started all these rumors about me. I guess she did it when she was online so that she could impress the AKA's or something. After she got dropped for the third time she decided to come apologize to me. Of course I have always been a forgiving person, but I still doubt that she would have apologized if she had actually crossed. I think that she just woke up and realized she burned bridges with a loyal friend and had nothing to show for it. Well, the e-mail I got felt about the same. I guess it was the girl's rebuttal for what she had read in my blog for weeks. Just as I did with the AKA wanna be, I am wondering with her, "would she be even contacting me if old boy hadn't went any got in a relationship? Is she just now seeing that she did all that hating for nothing because now he isn't we her or me?" I guess she kind of burned a bridge and now she has nothing to show for it either! All I can say is that I am still plagued with a forgiving heart. People get anxious and will stop at nothing to get something they think they need whether it be sister hood in a sorority or a glance from a guy who is just fucking and using them. All I can do is never forget their faces.

I can't stunt females, I can't depend on niggas... all I can is do what's good for me. No one else really matters. I have to get my career off the ground. I need to become a better woman so that ten years down the line I can look back and be proud of the decisions I made so that my husband and children can be happy. This weekend I decided that I am going to write a book. I already know the title and the ending, I already have the vision- I just have to get it down on paper. I guess that also means that I won't be on here as much- to tell the truth I have only been writing like twice a week lately, but you will know what's going on with me. If I'm not writing it most likely means I am no sad and I am too busy with things being great for me to stop and sit at a computer. Maybe "someone" will buy me that laptop I have been longing for. Time WILL tell.

You Ain't Talking About Shit...

Man, I am realizing how much niggas ain't shit in 2006. They play games, they lie, the run you over and the worse thing of all is the fact that us females allow it(including myself). I had a dude I was feeling for a while dog the shit out of me then last I heard he picked up a girlfriend. I guess I am kind of over him, but he came to see me the other night, and once again wooed me with his charming personality. Nothing happened, but when he left he parted with a kiss on my neck? I don't know what to gather from that- but I know I wouldn't go for my man kissing another girl on the neck. This world is crazy!

Last night after Polaris wasn't available I went to see a couple of my old flings. I chilled with one and agreed to a relationship with him... I think we were both serious- yet I don't think we are really a couple??? I know- that's a contradiction, but whatever... we'll figure it out. After I left his place I called my Ball Player and when he told me that he stayed on 9th & _ _ _ _ _ _ _, I thought to myself, "that's where I just left from!" Yea, turns out that he lives three doors down from the guy I agreed to being in a relationship with. I don't know what it is about me talking to guys in the same complexes, but this is the third time this has happened to me- at least I will save gas money, lol.

So, after I left from chilling with the Ball Player, I called the nigga I was referring to in the first paragraph. Deep down inside I kind of wanted to know if there was something behind that kiss and that was confirmed when he told me, "I might do something to you or try to do something... You better be careful... I know I'm going to try something." I think it is amazing that he has only been in a relationship with this beautiful girl for only two weeks and he is already trying to cheat? My thoughts on that... I hope he was joking when he claimed to have a girlfriend- because if he does, she's not going to be a happy camper!

So, I hit Polaris up one more time and expressed very strongly how I didn't appreciate being played and that he must not take me seriously because "I don't leave jewelry over his place!" lmao. Now, if I would have made a comment like that a year ago, he would have blown up on me- but the message he left me this morning was real sweet. It kind of let's me know that our "friendship" has evolved immensely. He told me his bullshit lie, which didn't piss me off as much because I know he cared enough to at least make something up, when- once again- a year ago he wouldn't have even offered an explanation. I know there are other girls; blond hair in the sink... cheap forever 21 bracelets on the entertainment center... etc. - but, none of them are me... he knows that and I know that, so I'm not mad. Polaris just needs to realize... I won't be driving out to Polaris forever and I won't be living in CO forever... people move on, people move!

Now, I have to talk a little about this nigga who moved to Cleveland for Grad school. He has been trying to get on with me since my freshman year & I am def. not on it. He has played me to the left time and time again and now that he sees I am trying to get the ball rolling with his boy Thrill, he is trying to throw a wrench in my plans? Being friends is wonderful to me, but don't ever try to mess something up that I have because you fucked up after I gave you a second and third chance. Just let it go homie- you will NEVER have me!

Lastly, I spent my night at home alone. Once I left Spice, the Iotaa and the Ball Player I just sat on my couch and thought. I could have went out Hilliard with Tiffany, but I feel like I have been down that road before. Just another CRAZY nigga sending messages through someone else. Just another CRAZY nigga pretending to love me but showing me no love. "I ain't got time for time wasting." There may be rumors heard about me, but none of them are true. I am a lady and I don't love them and leave them. I am a lady, and as hard as I try I could never be insincere and not care for people. And more than anything- I may talk to friends, I may talk to bruhs, I may talk to dudes who stay in the same complex(or roommates even), I may talk to team mates- but there are lines I never cross. I am not fucking anyone and if I were I wouldn't be fucking and dogging one while trying to tell their ACQUAINTANCE that I am trying to be with them. I could be with Crazy, but I have to respect him, and because of what he is doing with old girl- I can't and as of now I am not sure how I feel.

Right now I am more amused by men than anything else. I am not disgusted or disappointed- I am just watchin the things played out that I already knew would happen. I am enjoying my female friends right now(kicked it with Tiff at Spice last night and saw Mel @ Sugar Bar for the first time in a while) and keeping my head out of the sand. I know niggas will tell me what I want to hear and I know they don't be talking about shit! Like I once said before I am continuing to let these niggas think they are getting over on me but that couldn't be farther from the truth. Actions speak louder than words.



"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Down

It's funny that the most secure time in my life is when I have hit rock bottom; it's the floor you can't fall below, you know? When ever I am happy or something is going good- I never get to live in the moment because I am always too concerned, waiting, waiting for it all to disappear.


"...And still you gave me love, I wasn't use to that. Most of the people that gave me love, ended up taking it back..." Dark Man X Prayer IV


I know nothing lasts forever but I wonder how people can lie with such sincerity? I will never understand it. People will stand and tell you how much they love you, but then in one fair swoop- they take their love away?... I was talking to Chi- Town last night and she was analyzing my feelings to me. She said that I am not excited about love anymore because I am so use to being disappointed. Last summer every time Polaris would call I would hit her or Tiff for advice... "Should I go?", "Should I stay?" I think he is truly the closest I've ever been to "In love", but now- a year later I'm just so damned tired- it's routine. If this is love, I don't want any part of it.

After meeting up with Thrill last night I realize that in 2006 liking someone isn't enough. You have to jump through hoops, worry about their last relationships- or lack of, wonder what kind of man you're dealing with (unless you're dealing with a BOY that is)- it's just so complicated. Where love is concerned I am just about done...


"Though I've tried, fallen- I have sunk so low. I've messed up. Better I should know. So don't come round' here and tell me, "I told you so." We all begin with good intent. The love was raw and young. We believe that we could change ourselves, the PAST can be undone. But we carry on our back the burden time always reveals. In the lonely light of morning, in the wound we would not heal, IT'S THE BITTER TASTE OF LOSING EVERYTHING THAT I'VE HELD SO DEAR..." ~Sarah McLachlan Fallen


Things will just never be the same. I am so locked on disappointment and that will be my end. I'm not who I wanna be, but I'm not who I used to be. "I done came down (lol)."

P.S. I am no fool. Fake Jewelry tarnishes as time goes as does lust(Polaris). This is my bible... just because you read the bible does not mean you know God. Just because you read my blog does not mean you know Lindsay- Check the headline up top Boo... You THINK You Know, But You Have No Idea! Records are meant to be broken as are hearts.

Lately....

Man, I use to write in this thing everyday- but it seems when life is good, I don't have too much to talk about. It's kind of weird now that my girl Christian doesn't work with me anymore, because for the last month- I haven't had anyone to tell about dates and crazy situations, so I will spill the beans on here I guess.

Things didn't work out with Big Time like I thought they would. I asked him a question which he was highly offended by and he FLIPPED out on me. It's sad because I only asked him if he had a girlfriends. He told me that it was a stupid question and what kind of nigga would he be having me over his house when he has a girl. I really felt what he was saying, but in 2004- dudes are so grimy that shit like that is the norm. I still really want to talk to him and I am kind of sad because I have let these no good niggas get so far into my head that when a sensible one comes along I say shit that categorizes them with the rest of these fools. Like the Kappa for instance, stringing me along while he was getting back with his old bitch. Niggas like that are the cause for the question I asked Big Time.

It's okay that he got back with here though, I'm not BITTER, they can go on dates to the dentist to get porcelain veneers, lmao. With his fucked up ass teeth and her dingy ones!!!

But like I said, it's over with Big Time. He hung up on me, lol, and I erased his number. So, unless I stumble across him when I am in Cleveland or he happens to have a change of heart and calls- it's over. My girl Tiffany keeps telling me to sign on to Verizon.com & try to look up my call record, but I am going to lean on fate.


Last Thursday Thrill was in town and we chilled for a couple hours. No date, nothing spectacular- JUST Mirror Lake. We sat and talked for a few hours and it was really nice. I guess he wanted to pick my brain, but I wouldn't really let him get into my head. Lately I have just been focusing on not liking anyone too soon. I am going to start a new month rule; I won't gain feelings for anyone until a solid month of heavy communication has passed. But anyhow, Thrill seems like I really nice guy and far from the other men in his profession. Hopefully a month from now I will be talking about the feelings I've gained for him, lol, but time WILL tell ;-) It's hard not to gain feelings quicker though because it's been a long time since someone has really wanted to talk to me. I guess I have been talking to the wrong kind of men, but now my luck is taking a turn- lately.

Rest In Peace...

I wonder what it would have been like if Jason were still alive. Would I have fell out with him by now or would he have been a really good friend? For some reason I feel it would have been the latter, I would have had someone in Florida to run to and I would have been able to tell him how much I appreciate what he did for me... but, it's too late- that will never happen and I will never know.

It's funny how quickly we RUN through our every day lives without even taking the time to REMEMBER. The funny thing is, I still haven't gotten to that point where concerning Jason. It happened with Mahdi, happened with D.P., it happened with almost every homie I knew to die... there just came a day when I didn't think about them anymore, but with Jason- it's just different. Three weeks ago I went to visit a friend who stays around the corner from me. He is actually a guy I was feeling for a LOOOOOONG while, and after all this time I could never figure out why... until he walked out of his door to lead me to his apt. Don't get me wrong, I always thought he was a cutie; but when I looked up from the asphalt into his face- I was so stunned. He looked just like Jason. The Skin. The Eyes. The Hair. It all makes so much sense now. I think that because he subconsciously reminds me of Jason, I have built this false obsession. I dunno, all I know is I miss him.

No words can express how much I needed him in my life and no words can express how much I hurt because he is gone. I have a lot of acquaintances, but I have never had many friends. Someone without sneaky motives, someone who genuinely cared for me, someone who was willing to be real with me even when it meant taking away someone I thought was my blood.

Things will get easier come fall, that constant reminder will be moving to Cleveland and I can stop holding on for all the wrong reasons. No, I won't forget him, but I can't keep thinking about him everyday like he's still alive, it's not healthy. He will never be replaced... I just need to let him Rest In Peace... somehow.

Things Are How They Should Be

I am finally coming to the conclusion that life is not a game. These is no amount of clothing, make- up, friends, money, etc. that can change who we really are. If someone likes you, they will like you no matter what you do or say. If someone has it made up in their mind that they don't like you, it's the same situation. You can kick it with someone for months, they may even become one of you closest acquaintances, but the fact remains- that if their first impression of you was ill- & they actually believed some pre conceived notions, once one argument triggers them... their true feelings about you WILL come out.

Lately I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I am constantly looking in the mirror and I am always questioning everything I think and do. I guess I have been so concerned with finding love from other people that I forgot how self sufficient I am. I am finally regaining control over my life... I haven't been late with any school assignments, I go home to Cleveland almost every weekend, I am still holding it down at Nordstrom and my girl has finally turned my name in at Delphi. I will hopefully be moving out of this apartment by September and I can't wait.

I am just ready to move into another phase of life. This era is over. I can see a change in myself, I no longer need to go to the club 3 times a weeks, honestly I haven't been out in CO in over a month. I just want to clear the air. No more niggas, no more drama; the kappa I just got done dealing with made me wake up to the fact that I don't have the patience to deal with weak little boys anymore. He lead me on for the last month then got back with his ex girlfriend, and what for? He was the one who liked me, he was the one who called me, invited me over, asked me out, etc. Why create drama for no reason? Why even waste your time? I don't get it. More than anything I can't be a hypocrite because as I told our mutual friend Myk and even my girl Tiff, I wasn't really feeling him. He was just another dude I was using to pass the time with, and I can't do that anymore.

I am at the point of no return. Everyone I need, is in my life right now. As of this moment, there are no hards feelings between me and anyone I really care about. A couple of guys I was actually damn near obsessed with in years passed, have become friendly- and I am even happier to know it won't go any further than friendship; but some niggas are just cool to chat with here and there.

Right now I am just focusing on not sweating the small stuff, mainly because I have a lot to be happy about right now. People come and people go. You can't always worry about what could have been, but rather we need to be happy about what is.

I'm not involved with anyone anymore... other than Polaris, but I am even thinking about cutting him off too. We have been sitting idle for almost a year now. What scares me more than anything is my lack of feelings for him. Last year at this time I was almost convinced that he would be the first person to make me fall in love, now- he is more around, just because I've grown accustom to him. There is no more poem writing, away messages, cooking, and I only text in response to his. It kind of makes me sad because I think that this last year has hardened my heart. There is not too much or too many I care about anymore. Even where the kappa was concerned, last year at this time- under normal circumstances... when a guy initiated the feelings- after being in his presence for so long, I would have started to gain feelings too, but now- it's just time wasted. Yea. But who knows, it's July 20th... maybe something good will happen today. H.B.D. Esco Bar!!!

N.A.S. PHI N.A.S.

I will never forget my senior year of high school when my friends and I started a little fake sorority- Niggas Ain't Shit! The worse thing is that all the values of that sorority still apply. I had been talking to this little Kappa for the last month or so and as of last night I found that he is just another pathetic excuse and waste of a Black man. If I hadn't gone to Applebees with my boy Myk, I guess I never would have found out that this Kappa was kicking it with his ex girlfriend... the same ex girlfriend he has been dogging for the last month. "She was never there for me while I was online", "she always would cancel our plans to hang out with her girls", "she only hit me up when she wanted to have sex", "the last straw was when she didn't come to my pro show earlier this year." I sometimes wonder if niggas talk just because they like the sound of their own voice?

The nigga talked all that shit, now I go to his facebook page a moment ago and his he is now in a relationship with her? That shit is hilarious! Niggas can't tell the damn truth to save their lives! And what I am wondering now is if that niggas thinks that I am going to be loyal? The secrets he told me about a couple of his frat bruhs. The secret he told me about one of the dudes that dropped off his line... You got me fucked up homie! I'm telling it all. Only niggas I am loyal to are the one who are loyal to me! I got your mutha fuckin ticket bitch! It's all good.

SOME Men Care

These Are The Three Sweetest/Romantic Moments Of My Life To Date...
What I Call The Best Days Of My Life EVER!!!

Yesterday after I talked to Myk- I was sitting here in my apt. thinking over my past. Myk & I had just had a conversation and for once in our friendship the tables were turned because he is "mad" about some "thing" going on in his life and I am ecstatic about a new man I have in my life. It got me to realizing that things have not always been so bad for me. No I didn't get Jason Moore, Sean Coffey and more recently my lastest big crushes Polaris, Esco Bar, & My Lil' Squirrel- but I do remember when I did get someone worth having, and since then I have called it the best day of my life! The date:1997, The place: W.H. Kirk Middle School, The boy: Darryl Copeland.

I will never forget how I looked in Jr. High School. At the time I thought I was cute, but I was a hot mess; I was a full breed tomboy with a prissy side? Right! To make a long story short- back then as now, the men I REALLY wanted didn't pay me any mind. I was not very popular, but two of my best friends at the time were Delonte Fomby and Sean Coffey (ironically). They were both athletes who played football, basketball and baseball and even more importantly they were close friends with their teammate Darryl Copeland.

From the time we were in seventh grade, I always did like "Cope". And once our "eighth grade dance" came, I could only dream that he would be my date- but that was OUT OF THE QUESTION. He was a popular athlete and- I was just me, lol. I will never forget hearing all the girls talk about him everyday in the locker room during gym and practice(yes- I once was a jock contrary to popular belief!). Friends would rationalize about who was more eligible to ask him out to the dance and most times I would just sit and rationalize to myself, "all these girls are pretty and popular, they have all the name brand clothes, they all belong to these cliques with other popular girls, but me- I was just a tomboy with a slew of male friends, I had nothing to offer!

It was two weeks before the dance and I had pretty much given up on the idea of "Cope" and I ever talking, let alone going to the dance together. I did somehow convince Sean Coffey to buy a ticket- so if push came to shove, I would sucker him into taking me; but that was as close as I was going to get to a date, so I thought.

I will never forget sitting on the charter bus on the way home from our Cedar Pointe trip. I shared a seat with one of my friends and this girl Nicole sat in the seat behind me and across from her was another one of my class mates Roby. I can recall the agony of listening to her profess her love of "Cope" to his boy Roby. As I sat there- I dug myself emotionally into a deeper ditch... She had the pretty skin, long curly hair, every pair of Jordan's that came out (now I realize none of that shit really matters- if I knew then what I know now, lol) there was no way I could compete with her. The bitch just went on and on about how much they liked each other and how she wish he had made the Cedar Pointe trip because she had planned to ask him to the dance- and right then, my heart broke...

Well, all of five seconds later these words came out of Roby's mouth and to this day I can quote them verbatim, "He is not going to go with you because he wants to take her!" as he pointed my way. I will never forget that moment of relief. He didn't ended up asking me until a Thursday night almost four days later. Fomby called me on three way and initiated what I call the best day of my life. I wore a teal and white dress with white shoes, he had on a black tux, my hair was not in the classic ponytail but done for once and when I walked into the dance on Cope's arm, it was the best feeling ever. I was with the most popular guy in the school, it was an upset- a W that should have never occured, I was with the boy all the other girls wanted and yet HE CHOOSE ME!

It's funny now thinking back, I always complain about the losers I've dated but my senior year I was the infamous date of Michael Pierson who won King at Collinwood's Homecoming when we went together and my boyfriend Maize & Blue was voted most popular and most likely to succeed. Just goes to show- people are never satisfied, even when they've had the best of the best- it's never enough!

My second sweetest moment in life took place a while ago also- but more recently! The date 2002 (March 21st during spring break), The Place: Morrison Tower room 723 (OSU Campus), and the Man: David Lanier. I went through so much bullshit my freshman year with everyone from friends to family. So when I realized my dorm was year around (because of international students) I decided not to go home to Cleveland and stay at OSU over spring break. At the time I was working in Kennedy Commons and I use to meet different guys from all over campus, that's where and how I met Dave. I remember my friend Jori having a crush on him and I do remember introducing them, but somewhere in there we became friends too. He stayed a floor from me in my dorms and we would chat occasionally.

We ran into each other the first day of break and realized that we were both going to be in Columbus the entire time, so he invited me to go on a lunch date the next afternoon. Of course when the time came, I was no where close to being ready, so I im'd him and asked if we could just order in and stay in the dorms. He came up to my room and ordered a large pizza from Papa John's (seeing that my roomie Freda was staying during break too). A while later he went to get the pizza from down stairs and I thought he was never coming back!

I would say about fifteen or twenty minutes passed before he arrived with the two boxes of pizza? I was a little puzzled because I remembered him only ordering one pizza. We all three began to eat, then after all of six minutes of containing my nosy tendencies I asked, "what's in the other box?" and he replied, "open it and see." Of course I am punk and felt a little weirded out by the whole situation so I wouldn't... and Dave finally opened the box in front of me...



I was stunned! As you can see above, inside the box was different colored roses and rose petals- I could have cried! Of course the following year was spent showered in love from my boy Dave. On my birthday he came to surprise me with a bottle of Moet, yet he was surprised when Maize & Blue answered the door. He would leave me encouraging notes and flowers once again during that year. Though, I will never forget how I would walk pass the front desk of Morrison and see floral arrangements damn near once a week. I would always think to myself... I wish someone would send me flowers. Then, the day before classes started my sophomore year, I walked pass and saw a floral arrangement yet again. I was pleasantly surprised after receiving a message from my front desk that they were for me.




It's too bad Dave had to transfer, but he brought a lot of memorable moments to my life. Even now, when we talk on the phone ONCE EVERY SIX MONTHS, or on aim here and there- I feel special and honored to have a friend like him. I remember last year he asked me if I knew what the look on my face looked like the first time he saw me walking out of the doors of Morrison and the first time he gave me flowers. He said that is what he sees every time he looks at my screen name. CLASSIC!

Drum Roll (Damn this entry and getting super long)

The Date: February 14, 2002, The Place: Morrison Tower 1007, The Man: Jamel Gordon

The final sweetest moment of my life came after a long night. Corey Thomas, Jasmine Jordan and I had spent hours looking for a Valentine's gift for his girl. Somewhere in between shopping and starving I got the most gigantic migraine ever. I spent the rest of the night in my dorm room vomiting with a fever. I am no help to the world when I am even slightly sick, so when Jamel continued to call me I ended up cursing him out and hung up on him. I later found out that he was on his way to bring me some soup- so I will forever be in his debt because I acted like a jerk!

Two weeks previous I had been asked to be Jamel's valentine so I came up with the best idea ever. He was so into his frat (Iota Phi Theta) and I had seen a musical bear that was brown and yellow. It took me forever to find the store again, but I bought it and my girl Summar drove me all over to about five store before we could find a voicebox. I recorded his theme song Fuck Them Other Niggas, put it in the bear and combined with a HUGE hershey's kiss and a card- that was his gift.

I was still sick when he came to my room that morning. My hair was all over my head, hadn't showered yet and basically looked like shit. I will never forget he had two bags, a balloon and a rose. He stood half way in the door as he handed me the Victoria Secrets bag with the fragrance PINK (which I still wear to this day), then he gave me the rose and balloon. As we continued to talk I realized that the second bag was from Crystal Classics in City Center. In my head I can remember thinking... damn- who did he get that for! I knew the caliber of the store sense I had spent many hours window shopping there. It's funny because even now, I can still remember thinking to myself, dang- he did it up for his other valentine... but when the boy handed me the bag a few minutes later- I could have fainted.




Jamel would always tell me he felt like he was a cat and I was a mouse because he was always chasing me (which was so untrue). Everyday he would say that to me! Inside the boxes were a SWAROVSKI cat a mice. It was so sweet because the gift played into his infamous line and more importantly it showed me that he knew a lot more about me than I ever knew. I always talk about SWAROVSKI, not with the intentions of someone buying me a gift- but it was refreshing to see that some men listen. I need to try and remember that!... No matter what you look like, how you act or who you are some men listen! Some men care!

What To Do- What To Do?

I know I should be looking at the obvious; fast money goes fast.
But I been too concerned with love and finding someone to make me laugh.
Someone who will be real- someone who will give his hand to me.
Someone to take care of me- a nigga worth making a family.
So sick of CO & OSU niggas always thinking they high and mighty.
Just looking for that dude to coincide with me not one who always tryna fight with me.
Not really throwing in the towel- but I am stepping up my standards.
Sick of him being my employee- time for that promotion to my MANager.


I have been thinking a lot about possibilities lately; what could have been, what is and what still can be. My mom has been telling my brother in law Emery not to sell himself short. He is a talented videographer who is constantly swiping his trade for things that are not comparable. I guess from the outside looking in- I am realizing that I do the same thing just in a different manner- I am constantly settling for shit that is not worth my time nor effort.

Well, I know one thing- I am going to go for what I know. I am no longer going to give more than I receive. I am pretty much sick of dealing with the shenanigans of others. I know what I want and I know what it takes to get there. I am not doing to predetermine failure with "Big Time" just because the stability isn't there. The fact is- things change. "Big Time" told me that he needs a girl like me in his life because I bring so much positivity; I will cause him to accomplish things that he has previously been shied from. So, I am ready to step up to the plate, I guess...

Today at work David and Eddie asked me where I was going out to tonite and I said no where. They immediately said, "H.R. (my nickname at work) musta got a boyfriend!" The funny thing is- I am burnt out. I am sick of dealing with bullshit- so now, even though I know there are other men I like and care about- I am feeling like throwing in the card. Yea, I am still a commitment phobic- but "B" is so real, so cool, so right- that he actually has me considering what I should do.

Things Are Not Always What They Seem!

I was thinking about Mary J. Blige today...or rather, I was thinking about something Nikki said about Mary J. Blige the other day. She mentioned that her music was much better when she was unhappy and going through drama. I think that most relate to the work others when it is concerning some sort of misfortune, because we can all relate to pain. Happiness, well that's another subject- but what we all know is that it's something that doesn't come with regularity in life. Sitting back and observing all the artist we love and admire from actors to musicians, most of them are unhappy. They may portray an image of sanity to the media, but deep down inside it couldn't be farther from the truth. Many of them are bad parents, have failing marriages, and contrary to popular belief- many have financial problems also. Things are not always what they seem!

My sister once had a friend who claimed to be in love. Any chance she got to throw it in my sister's face, was not passed in vain. She bragged about relocating out of state and taking a better job, being engaged, blah blah blah. Well, as it turned out, she did transfer in her company- but the job was the same title- same pay, she did move out of state but she was doing so to tag along to her dead beat fiance' who has now become her deadbeat estranged baby's dad. All along she would have us believe she was living a life worth envying... but things are not always what they seem!

When I began my freshman year here at OSU, I had a friend who was hot to get married. He actually proposed to me on different occasions, but at the time I was way too young for marriage. I told him I would marry him in five years (funny, if he had waited- we would be married right now!). He was a great guy; had a degree- which lead him to a nice career as a Chemist, a car, a home, etc... oh and he was also a VIRGIN!?!? Of course he was not willing to wait the five years for me and up until February- last I heard he got married to a "familiar face". She was comparable to him, educated, came from a nice family, etc... oh yea- & hot to get married too. So wed they did. To make a long story short, she left him for a local dope boy. My friend continued to support her for months hoping that she would "come to her senses" but she never did so he moved on and divorce the "familiar face" behind her back. The day their divorce was final, he called her and said, "Bitch! We're divorced," while she was back at home in VA celebrating her father's birthday. The rest of the family thought they were happy newly weds. The rest of the family though he was arriving on a later flight. But what the rest of the family didn't realize is that, things are not always what they seem!

Happiness is circumstantial as are opinions. What angle you're looking from, whose side you're hearing, how you were raised, etc. will all factor into what you believe. But, the truth is not circumstantial- the truth is final. No matter what rumor you heard you don't know for a fact unless you were there to witness it for your yourself. If you heard a girl or guy is a hoe, were you the third person there involved in the orgy? No! So, how can you say for sure? If you think that a person has feelings for someone in question, are you Ms. Cleo or one of Dionne Warwick's psychic friends? No! So, how do you know for sure?
The fact is, you can never assume. Someone may seem happy while all along they are going through hell inside. Someone may put on a front like they
are happy, while all they are concerned with is outside appearance. Someone may actually be happy while all along the things or persons who are causing this happiness are being swept right from under their feet. What we must try harder to do is stop judging others. Stop comparing ourselves amongst ourselves. Who really knows what happiness is anyway? My happiness is way different from your happiness! Just as Mary performs better when she is angry- I tend to write better when I am angry. I guess it's that our talent is rooted to our pain. And WE ALL have that common denominator of pain. I guess this is why people just can't be happy for me. I guess this is why bitches hate. I guess this is why you have to try and bring me down when you see me reaching my goal. People pretend to be down with you but, things are not always what they seem!


"Niggas frown when you up and smile when you down. And when you change for the better life, fools stop comin' around" ~UGK Diamonds and Wood


Fuck you hating dastardly ass BITCH!