I am finally coming to the conclusion that life is not a game. These is no amount of clothing, make- up, friends, money, etc. that can change who we really are. If someone likes you, they will like you no matter what you do or say. If someone has it made up in their mind that they don't like you, it's the same situation. You can kick it with someone for months, they may even become one of you closest acquaintances, but the fact remains- that if their first impression of you was ill- & they actually believed some pre conceived notions, once one argument triggers them... their true feelings about you WILL come out.
Lately I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I am constantly looking in the mirror and I am always questioning everything I think and do. I guess I have been so concerned with finding love from other people that I forgot how self sufficient I am. I am finally regaining control over my life... I haven't been late with any school assignments, I go home to Cleveland almost every weekend, I am still holding it down at Nordstrom and my girl has finally turned my name in at Delphi. I will hopefully be moving out of this apartment by September and I can't wait.
I am just ready to move into another phase of life. This era is over. I can see a change in myself, I no longer need to go to the club 3 times a weeks, honestly I haven't been out in CO in over a month. I just want to clear the air. No more niggas, no more drama; the kappa I just got done dealing with made me wake up to the fact that I don't have the patience to deal with weak little boys anymore. He lead me on for the last month then got back with his ex girlfriend, and what for? He was the one who liked me, he was the one who called me, invited me over, asked me out, etc. Why create drama for no reason? Why even waste your time? I don't get it. More than anything I can't be a hypocrite because as I told our mutual friend Myk and even my girl Tiff, I wasn't really feeling him. He was just another dude I was using to pass the time with, and I can't do that anymore.
I am at the point of no return. Everyone I need, is in my life right now. As of this moment, there are no hards feelings between me and anyone I really care about. A couple of guys I was actually damn near obsessed with in years passed, have become friendly- and I am even happier to know it won't go any further than friendship; but some niggas are just cool to chat with here and there.
Right now I am just focusing on not sweating the small stuff, mainly because I have a lot to be happy about right now. People come and people go. You can't always worry about what could have been, but rather we need to be happy about what is.
I'm not involved with anyone anymore... other than Polaris, but I am even thinking about cutting him off too. We have been sitting idle for almost a year now. What scares me more than anything is my lack of feelings for him. Last year at this time I was almost convinced that he would be the first person to make me fall in love, now- he is more around, just because I've grown accustom to him. There is no more poem writing, away messages, cooking, and I only text in response to his. It kind of makes me sad because I think that this last year has hardened my heart. There is not too much or too many I care about anymore. Even where the kappa was concerned, last year at this time- under normal circumstances... when a guy initiated the feelings- after being in his presence for so long, I would have started to gain feelings too, but now- it's just time wasted. Yea. But who knows, it's July 20th... maybe something good will happen today. H.B.D. Esco Bar!!!
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