Some things in life are just DANGEROUS. We know what we're getting into before me even begin- yet we still "run" right into it! Friends give us advice, your parents taught you better, even your conscience knows- but you just can't help the urge. That's how I'm feelings these days. All the signs are telling me to head in the other direction, but I just can't.
"What do you do, when you know somethings bad for you, and you still can't let go?" ~Christina Aguliera Walk Away
Big Time called me the Sunday. I really thought that was over but it's not. I called him back last night- our conversation was brief, you know- straight to the point. It's not over. This time around I am going to watch what I say- because maybe he is the one that shouldn't be compared to everyone else. I try no to do it, but most men are so predictable; I always have to keep my distance because I can't allow myself to start believing I am the only one. Before I know it I am finding hair in the sink that isn't my color, bracelets on the ent. center that aren't my style, and pictures on the counter that weren't captured of me. For once, it will be nice to know I am the only one.
I had another nigga "like" Big Time last summer and he turned super psycho. I guess guys like them are always great to be in a relationship with, but everything else in life is a little more tricky. It's a gamble, do I want stability in life or stability in a relationship? These days I am not sure. I know I should just opt. to have neither- because I have never been a settler, but I guess after this weekend I will know. I'm going home to throw Elise's baby shower and I told him I would like to hang out. I just need to pay attention and see where his head is. I am sick of dealing with college BOYS(lame ass Kappa). I am sick of dealing with athletes(Maize and Blue... Thrill ain't biting either). The average niggas ain't worth a damn either(Polaris). So now, I am going to try to deal with another type of man. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. I know he is the kind of guy I should just be in it for the minute with- but I think I want the long haul.
On another note I wrote an old friend today. I haven't talked to her in a while because of some drama we had about two years ago, but I thought I would try to salvage things finally. It kind of got me to thinking about forgiveness. I guess Big Time forgave me and I guess we will see what happens with her. I guess I never did anything wrong to her, so there isn't exactly anything to forgive me about, but it will be nice to see her perspective on things. I got an e-mail from someone myself- I guess it was challenging me. I can remember when the AKA wanna be hit me up last year it was kind of amazing. She was someone I actually though was my friend until she started all these rumors about me. I guess she did it when she was online so that she could impress the AKA's or something. After she got dropped for the third time she decided to come apologize to me. Of course I have always been a forgiving person, but I still doubt that she would have apologized if she had actually crossed. I think that she just woke up and realized she burned bridges with a loyal friend and had nothing to show for it. Well, the e-mail I got felt about the same. I guess it was the girl's rebuttal for what she had read in my blog for weeks. Just as I did with the AKA wanna be, I am wondering with her, "would she be even contacting me if old boy hadn't went any got in a relationship? Is she just now seeing that she did all that hating for nothing because now he isn't we her or me?" I guess she kind of burned a bridge and now she has nothing to show for it either! All I can say is that I am still plagued with a forgiving heart. People get anxious and will stop at nothing to get something they think they need whether it be sister hood in a sorority or a glance from a guy who is just fucking and using them. All I can do is never forget their faces.
I can't stunt females, I can't depend on niggas... all I can is do what's good for me. No one else really matters. I have to get my career off the ground. I need to become a better woman so that ten years down the line I can look back and be proud of the decisions I made so that my husband and children can be happy. This weekend I decided that I am going to write a book. I already know the title and the ending, I already have the vision- I just have to get it down on paper. I guess that also means that I won't be on here as much- to tell the truth I have only been writing like twice a week lately, but you will know what's going on with me. If I'm not writing it most likely means I am no sad and I am too busy with things being great for me to stop and sit at a computer. Maybe "someone" will buy me that laptop I have been longing for. Time WILL tell.
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