This is what my fortune cookies read to my yesterday & it got me to thinking about life and procrastination. What I am doing to demean my progress by putting things off. I am just doing a shit load of evaluating and self- examination. I am no longer the person I was some three months ago, much has changed. People I thought were my friends, turned out to be like the rest of them. I will say I have picked up quite a few new acquaintances, but one can never know what is going to happen in the next week. All I can say is I am keeping my guard up, watching what the fuck I say to whom and more importantly I am trying real hard to be the friend that people want and need.
I am just starting to realize how important this blog is. If I were to die tomorrow 10's of 100'2 of people who have access to this little preservation of my life that I made. It is not like a picture, or a bad memory that is over ridden by all the GOOD, it's the honest to Yahweh truth. Yet and still, people can still misinterpret. I would hate for my mother to read this blog and conclude that she was a bad mom, even though I feel like she put me through hell both mentally and physically- she is the most important person in my life and if she were taken from me tomorrow- I can't even fathom how I would live another day. I would hate for anyone to One day read this when I am gone and conclude anything negative- because me intent has always been something different.
Things just aren't always what they seem. I am struggling with the fact that I can not have any of the guys I want. Big Time, Aby, Esco Bar, Sean, man- no one. It comes a point when you have to stop pointing fingers and realize, "Maybe it's me!?!?" What is wrong with me, what is it that I do wrong? Am not pretty enough, is my heart to broken? Do I cry to much, am I too outspoken? Didn't I make you laugh, should I try it harder? Why do you see right through me?... then next thing you know you are in a song, the chorus is over, the first verse is entering & tears are all down you face. So I am deciding to stop this now. I am not going to settle- I am just going to set in.
I am setting into my goals. I would love for someone to sweep me off my feet and love me like I have never been loved, but the fact is I am only 23 and got plenty of time to be in love. The reality that strikes me is that I don't have forever to make a success out of myself. Guys stop talking to me because I won't have sex with them, but instead of considering the fate- I just need to realize that someone who isn't willing to wait until I am comfortable is not worth being with me. Yea, my girls may do this and my girls may do that- but what's good for them is not good for me. The girls I rolled with in high school were into things I was not. Man! My two best females friends from high school are both mothers of 3 year olds! My road dog for life is on baby #2. So maybe, just maybe succoming to what the men I like want from me is not such a good idea!
I have plenty of demons riding my back that I am constantly battling. I am not happy with who I am right now, but I am realizing that TODAY is the day to do something about it. When Esco is around I am not going to talk loud and try to get his attention, I am just going to cope with the fact he will NEVER talk to me because of Maize & Blue. Is it his mistake? maybe not, maybe it was just never meant to be. Maybe if I had have been with him it would have caused my life more damage than good, so I am going to learn to leave it be. I have a whole list of things I am not comfortable with leaving the same if I were to die tomorrow. There are people that NEED to know I love them. Old bonds that need to be rekindled. I need to see my nephews face. I need to Sean, just one more time. I need to finish this book. I need to get rid of a lot of baggage that has held me back way too long. I would hate for my parents have to come in my apt. tomorrow and rubbish through painful memories I never got rid of. It's time.
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