Hypocrite...

I've been thinking about Esco Bar a lot lately. He's just another addition to that list, you know the one I am talking about; the list of all the truly great guys that I have like- but could never have. It's pure agony, because some way or another I see him everyday. It's like Yahweh is teasing me or something. I just can't come to grips with the fact that he will NEVER be mine.

The funny or ironic thing about our situation is the fact that he is a hypocrite. People understood that he made a mistake and people forgave him. Yeah, it seems that every time he makes a brilliant move, there is someone there to bring up the unforgivable past, yet and still that is overridden by his greatness. I wish he has that same virtue. I wish he could hear me out and I wish he could understand that I made a mistake. No matter whether it is my family, an old friend or just a random person- there is ALWAYS someone there to bring up my mistake. But somehow, I am not forgiven. I can not have the man I want and sadly- I can't move on.

In January is will have been four years... four years!!! What is going on with me that it has been four years? What am I doing wrong? I guess I just have a lot of soul searching to do. I just don't have a clue about men. I think I know how to act and what to do, I just act the right way with the wrong man. I need to learn to decipher what the differences are with men and I need to do it soon. I am sick of making decisions for other people- I am finally going to do what's good for me! I am not going to take heed to the judgment of others. I don't care one thinks he is too young, not cute enough, etc. What really matters is how I feel. If I could get back to that moment in the union nearly three years ago, things would be so different now. I was so concerned with what my friends thought. 2003 is far behind me.

More than anything I wish he could see that we're not so different. How can he expect people to forgive him and forget- when he won't even give me the time of day- just a chance?