It's crazy how backwards I am. Most people put you through trials and tribulations before they can feel you have their trust- but Lindsay, her tactics are way different. When it comes to me, I do the opposite- I start off in most relations and friendship COMPLETELY naive and gullible. The funny thing is, once one lies to me, once one shows we I can not trust them, I never do again. Yes, I am somewhat forgiving, but the fact will remain that my emotions run deep. I can forgive but I never forget. Now I am getting to a point where I am critical of everyone- even the persons I know are JUST running game from the start. I have been allowing myself to feel too deeply of people who do not care about me at all- and that has to end. My problem is that I perceive people as if they are people who think like me, and the truth is- is that most people- nigga specifically, are not caring or careful- they're just careless.
In 2006 I have found that people are who they are. What you see is what you get and STILL in many cases what you get may be even less that what you see. All of these truths have lead me down this path- that cause me to be way too critical of the people I am involved with- both romantically and emotionally. Sometimes people are just busy. Sometimes people are just tired. It is true that maybe people MAY be with another girl, but none of that matters- you have to take things for face(book) value.
Right now I am feeling a little heartache from the rejection of my bABY. All I can really do is move on. People are who they are. Yahweh has purposed for my life to be the way it is. Maybe I don't have the mind right now to see the bigger picture, but I do have the mind to see that this is not the end for me. I will not have to always live vicariously through other people and there will not always be friend who judge by the relationships they are in & feel pity because they are being dragged through the mud. There will be a point when none of that matters. There will be a point when all of this that is happening to me will be a bad dream. It will be over.
The fact is I am just going through a rough patch in life right now. I feel like the men I have become accustomed to treat me like I am invaluable, and after being treated that way by so many people, you start to believe it. It's crazy that the certain people in my life who actually matter can tell me what a beautiful person I am and I won't believe it, but then someone who I really couldn't care less about can say one ineffectual thing- and it will stick with me. It's always easier to believe the bad things!
This month has been classic Lindsay. And I will say, that this has been by far the worse month of my adult life. What scares me even more is the fact that this month is not over, it could get worse! I am working through it though and I am getting over it. January will hopefully be here before I know it. The start to another Gregorian year (not Abib). However in the midst of all this drama and turmoil- I still can't stop thinking about Esco Bar- and what could have been. I had a dream about him the other nite, and it's funny that dreams are the only time when what is buried in you mind manifests its self. Yet & still, his dreams are coming true one after another. Esco Bar is Cinderella... and I just wonder- when will it happen for me?
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