We Found Love

"It's like screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless...like nothing can save you. And when it's over and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good." -Agyness Deyn

Vent Session

Just when I thought things were going perfectly, they're all falling apart. How is it that someone can willingly give me lip service with no plans to back any of it up? At first I thought this was the beginning of something special. Now, I feel like this was the beginning of the end. It's like the same shit that was going on when we were 13 is the shit that's happening now. Have we not grown? Have I not learned my lesson? I'm only getting half of the story--at best. And I'm certain his version is laced with lies. Was there ever a time he wasn't deceitful with me? Why make unsolicited promises if you're not sincere? It makes no sense to me. Now it's raining. How did I get here? I can't believe in love. Every time I let go, my heart gets drug through the mud. I tired of it. But with him it's like one day he's telling me we are just friends and acting coy like nothing more is going on and the next day he is telling me to download Lotus Flower Bomb because it explains how he looks at me. Mixed fucking messages. I am sick of deciphering them. It's like he's a Taurus and claims it to the heart, but he still isn't upfront, bold, any of the above. I mean what I say and I say what I feel. If I am ready to walk out of his life, the only thing he is willing to do is let me. So I can't stay.

Hard

Good people are hard to come by in this cold world. Decency is a common as wealth. It's a struggle. I've been let down around every corner for so long that I find myself constantly on the defense. I never trust. I'm always suspicious. But in the end, how can I ask for trust if I'm not ready to give it out?

I am trying to develop a more positive and forgiving demeanor. There is no way I am going to build life long friendships or find a relationship worth having without making some major changes in my life, both internally and externally. Spiritual connections start with unity.

The thing is, good, genuine folk are hard to come by. And I'm concerned that I may have driven some away. I guess it's so hard because I'm so soft. The most sensitive people are usually the most guarded. Being hurt isn't a joke. Even when I've been in denial, those feelings crept out.

Maize & Blue, he was a pivotal moment in my life. Charge It To The Game, he sealed my destiny. I still dream about him. I'll probably never see him again. I allowed men who couldn't have cared less about me to dictact the direction of my life. I could have been anywhere I wanted to be right now.

They say forgive your enemies but don't forget their faces. Sometimes it is best to forgive and forget. What of love lost? It's a hard thing especially when you're searching for something that's not meant to ever be found.

Stuff

Limbo. Stunted. Writer-blocked.

For a long time my heart was very cold. It seemed like at every turn love was unrequited. So, in efforts to protect myself, I shot from the hip. It became a game of diss him before he disses me. Always on the defense. I spent too long a time with men who thought they were better than me. And now, I met someone who is truly too good for me, but he never viewed our relationship in that way. And of course I messed it up.

For the first time ever I realized how insecure I am when it comes to men. This makes me sad.

The thing is, we all want perfection. We all want to be happy. But what's the perfect opportunity worth if one  isn't ready to take advantage of it?

The first time we ever talked, he told me he loses interest in women fastly. How ironic it is that I'm the loss interest. I never thought I'd have feelings for him. Never even thought I'd be attracted. Now I am trying to find a way back into his good graces. Instead, I'll likely move on...

They say there is no worse feeling than loving someone who use to love you.

And Baby, It's You

Maybe we're too different, but I can't tell apart our souls.
And maybe you're too good for me, cause we can set apart our goals.
Or maybe I'm too hood for you, then again you don't even know...
Then ins and outs of me which could make you whole.
I'm not saying I'm your better half, not claiming the potential.
But seeing us together in my mind I can see the differential...
I can see a better woman, but I'll keep this to myself.
Can't tell my feelings in vain, don't wanna woo you for my health.
I don't know enough to be sure, but beautiful isn't in question.
And I don't know a way up from here, but I hope we are destined.
Just looking into your eyes has me trapped.
Wonder what would have happened if I would have turned back.
But I can't relive the past, I'm just bidding on a better future.
What do I have to do to have our two worlds sutured?
A fish and a bird can fall in love, but where shall they live?
Inside my heart, because that's all I have to give.

"I'm giving all my love away and there's only one reason that I would."-Jesse Powell

Once You Learn, You Don't Have To Be Taught

I'm happy. No matter the downs that come and go, I've found solace. There are a lot of things I learned early on in life that have made me hard and sometimes cold, but I appreciate the truth.

The lack of friends over the years has made me independent. And knowing how fickle women can be, well that's led me to walk with my guard up. One never knows when he/she might have to swing.

More than anything my paranoia has given me fair judgement to sift out the really genuine people who are truly good at heart. Standing firm on the judgement, I've been blessed to find and keep a few of those great ones.

With that being said, I'm ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. Yahweh has taught me and He has kept me. I've listened and I've learned. I've learned to wait. Waiting on Him is the best thing that I've ever  been taught. And this is the beginning of the end of my lessons...here on earth atleast. Sweet dreams!

A Key Without a Lock or a Lock Without a Key

What's worse? I never thought a lot about love, being in love or being alone. Well, I've thought about them,but not in the terms of how they play a role in my life. But now that I'm getting older, I am starting to wonder when will love come. Will I ever fall in love? Am I going to spend the rest of my life alone?

It's been nearly a decade since I was in a relationship I truly cared about. Of course there have been men I thought mattered, but once they cheated or let me down in some other inevitable way, it was over just as quickly as it began. The days of finding a man whom I care for for no reason at all, are they gone? I think that's where true love lies--a person who you love with no strings attached. Nothing in the world can deter the feelings you have for that person. What they do or don't have doesn't matter. Now a days it's all about education, career path, home ownership, cars and money. I can't move like that. Of course those things play a part and I'd be a liar not to admit it, but what about character? When I look at a man I want to know about his family life. What are his parents like and what kind of relationship does he have with them...siblings? How religious is he? What kind of father would he be and more importantly what kind of women does he go after?

I know I'm a good woman, but sometimes I think maybe I am too damaged. Have I been through too much? If this was the mob, they'd off me because I know too much. Should I accept this? No more dating the men I like. No more careless loving? Guys claim not to want a gold digger, but they set us up to be that way. When we love freely, we end up trapped and mistreated. Where's the middle ground?

I have a lot of questions. What's worse, a key without a lock or a lock without a key? I guess a lock can always be picked, but who wants their love to be stolen? And a key can always be worn or carried, but then the use it or lose it theme comes into play. Who are you? Queen Latifah? Welp, I can't make or force a man into anything. It's not the way I move. I wish it were. I really do. Men like to be chased these days. But I like to be loved.

Life is Short

I got the DVD of Chris' funeral in the mail today and had the guts to watch it. I'm kind of in a weird space right now. I'm starting to realize, one can't understand death until one understands life.

There are a lot of thing that get focus they shouldn't and we don't seem to ever put enough stock into those people and things that matter the most. Why is that?

I am trying not to be resistent to happiness...but somethings just aren't meant to be. The life that I always wanted...the life I knew I'd have, I guess it isn't in the stars. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting it. C'est la vie.

The Fact Remains

The things that are best for us usually don't go down easily & aren't sweet to the tongue. It takes effort. It takes patience. And it takes faith. As I enter this next chapter of my life, I know that I can't force anything. No thing that was meant to be has ever gone undone.

All I can continue to do is love. My family, friends and acquaintances deserve my best. I deserve the best of myself.

I'm on a journey to cleanse and improve my inner & outer beauty. I started Weight Watchers two weeks ago. So far I've lost 6 lbs of the 35 I intend to shed. I realize that my body will never be what it was when I was 18,  but I miss the confidence when looking in the mirror.

I have an appointment with a dermatologist in two weeks. I hope to get my skin back in order as well.

No one is going to love what I can't love about myself. I will not be one of those self conscious women who spend the majority of their time complaining and being unhappy. I choose to live.

I'm not sure what's going to happen. I hope to move into my career by June--something in my field that makes me happy or atleast contributes to my level of experience. I also can't wait for the privacy of single living, either. I have a lot a plans and I just want to change for the better...because I know the after taste will be rewarding.

Love Over Everything

I met someone special. Let me start over. Chris died and I'm still sick about it. He and I started as FB friends and he became so much more. He was a great man and in the grand scheme of things, a lifelong friend.

Late nights like this I would have found myself chatting with him on Facebook. Instead...so one night shortly after he died, I laid in bed crying. I took to Facebook and started a chat with, well, I don't know what his code name should be. Let's call him Tongue-in-Cheek. Great conversation. Although be it random, I want nothing about our friendship to stay random.

Anyhow, we met at Josh' bday party and he is sexy, successful and smart. The kind of smart that makes me swoon. He is so attractive and laid back. I know nothing about this man, but I want to know everything. I only hope he feels the same way.

Who knows what, if anything, will come of he & I. Friends at the least. Love either way. In love? I hope! I keep finding myself looking for excuses to text him. But I'm going to fall back until the weekend.

He is amazing. And I just want to listen to him talk. Is that too much to ask? Too soon to be feeling this way? If so, I don't care. He is worth the possible humiliation. He's just fabulous. More later <3

A Beautiful Mind

Every now and again, people come into my life who make me question everything I am. Their downs make my ups look so low. It's not that they put me down, but they always seem to lift me up and make me want to be a better person. It doesn't hurt when they are just as beautiful on the outside as they are on the inside. But it does hurt when they are taken away. That is Chris.

Mourning can be a very ugly and because we are spiritual beings having a natural experience, at times we lose sight of the big picture; the only death we need to fear is a spiritual death. I am grateful that Chris was brought into my life and for whatever the reason, I trust why Yahweh has taken him. He had such a beautiful mind and I am really going to miss his point-of-view being part of my daily routine. He was an open book on FB & Twitter and although this chapter has ended I look forward to reading what's next.

P.S. Insomnia was so much sweeter knowing I had someone on the west coast to clown with 'til the wee hours. Rest In Peace Chris Mccoy June 25, 1985-Feb. 21, 2012

Sleepless in Columbus

This app may be the best thing that ever happened to me. Insomnia induced nights are becoming more frequent. I think Yahweh is trying to tell me something. I never want to be emtionless, but it's a cold world.

Sometimes I'm sad for no reason. I don't even want to be with anybody. Anti social and analytical. Who knew I'd take this turn? Welp, atleast the panic attacks aren't back. I think I need a break.

Lying, Thinking Last Night How to Find My Soul a Home

I feel so alone.

Past-Present

Just lying here in my old bedroom. My how I've grown, but things haven't changed. I've always felt trapped. I'm done feeling this way. I think about this so-called new year approaching and I want to make goals. I can't be in this same place when 2013 is approaching.

I just want to be able to breath. I want my own little place on this earth. Somewhere that's not tainted. I want friends who are secure. I just want to be happy, by myself.

Single isn't so bad. People want love, they just don't want it with me. That's something I've accepted. I just want a consistent positivety.

Serial Insomniac

It's crazy, for the last two years I've had insomnia like crazy. Last night, for the first time in a long time, I slept like a baby. I guess my mind is clear and although that moment of clarity was forced on me, I appreciate it. I've finally got the drive to move on. I forgot what it feels like to be love, to be like even.

I've been emotionally painting myself in corner for years. I go after men who are interested and then when the forseen manifests I blame them and oddly enough I blame myself. Instead of seeing everyone is not for everybody, I've been destined to change the stars. In the end I now see, I have to fuck with whoever fucks with me. You can't force interest on money or people. It takes times and more importantly one has to already have a substancial amount of stock to already invest.

No one wants to be with an insecure, inconfident person. Men love women who have already found themselves.

I am done loving people--male and female--who don't love me. In an effort to be kind, I also welcome advances from people I could never have interest in. I'm done with that too. Friends are friends. Lovers are lovers. There is no gray area for me. I've never had a man "grow on me." And I suspect it won't start happening now. I'm either going to have to wait, patiently, or settle.

I'm not blaming anyone and I know Yahweh has it all set up. The last time I remember being happy in love--I wasn't happy in love, I was happy to be in it--was during the 5th Ave/Polaris era. I'm going to get back to that, maybe tonight. It's been six long years since I've loved someone freely with no inhibitions. With them, it didn't matter what they had or where they came from.

I'm just ready to get this last day over with and let the 5 day weekend come on. We usually get off and hour early the day before hxoliday time, so I'll be out by three if I can get myself out of bed and into the office.

I want to always be proud of the woman I've become. I've made a lot of mistakes in my 28 years, but gratefully I have done anything that I can't bounce back from. I forgive on every turn and I've been taken back by some people who are so undeserving of the treatment I've given them.

My heart isn't heavy and I'm finally sleeping. This time around I played no games and it didn't work out, so I'm leaving my problems at the alter. No one else will do me like Yahweh does me and he's given me rest.

May 1, 2012

I don't know what it is about writing this last poem that has me plagued. I've been trying to write it for weeks. It's pretty sad. I want to get all of these feelings out on paper before my next trip to Cleveland. The reality is, I am ready to move on. Just today it hit me, I am focusing on the wrong man. If Yahweh isn't the be all and end all, then he can't be the all in all. I thought I'd made up with Darnell last time I was home, but it turns out, he is still being a jerk. But I am happy about it. It reminded me of how much I was feeling him in the late summer/early fall. The way I have been obsessing about Dynamite is the same way I was obsessing about him. In the end, I will get over this Dynamite thing. The only reason it's taking so long is because there are no other prospects and I put him on a pedestal taller than he.

In the end, it would have been beautiful, but would have is not good enough. I need someone who understands I am just as special as he is. I want to be 50/50 which really means 100. I'm not asking for too much. And, I don't deserve to be treated like trash. I know, the affirmations are killing this post, but it is what it is. I love who loves me and I dismiss who hates me, in theory.

Life is hard and death is easy and I'd have it no other way. I am so appreciative for what I have and I try to remind myself of how lucky I am. I have had the pleasure of knowing my parents my entire life. I have two strong, beautiful older sister who provide a perfect example of what a young lady should be. My nephew represents all the pure truths that I try to ignore. My relationship with Derrick, my best friend, has proved to be both challenging. Every one is everything I need. A man could only be the icing at best.

I am sure that down the line space will be made for a more permanent place for men in my life, but not right now. Games are the thing of the 20s and I'll ride it out gladly. I think 2013 has something in store for me & CMB anyhow. Out with the old, in with the new. 29, bring it on!

Poem Cry

Good dude, you know I love you but all you say is prove
It, on some b shit, but I never quit and I'm feeling this is the end of this
You say go up and I do, then you say I'm not down?
I'd rather you tell me to leave. Be real you don't want me around

Tell me who I have to be to get some, I'm not Lauryn, so I won't say it
And I ain't your dad so I can't play it.
And I ain't the other girl so I can't sing it.
All I can do is write it and hope you read it how I mean it.

Sometimes I sit and wonder from where the hate comes
You say you ain't thinking like me, so what are you thinking of
I see ur other girls and I'm thinking maybe I ain't light enough
And it kills me to know all I have for you is unrequited love

I swore we were better than that, but you aren't even my friend
And when I take a step back you say I'm acting like a man
You want something sweet but you pitch mud at me
I don't know if ur just bitter or if I just make you that unhappy
Cause if you don't have feelings, like you claim not to have
Why we always got conflicts and awkward laughs
You treat me like you don't know me when we're in the most public of places
But when we're alone you hit me with the most intimate of embraces
I won't cross that line without certainty, but when I say commit you say you ain't ready
Then the next week you have someone else with whom you're steady
So what's really going on

I got you on this pedastal. I got you as a dream
Not even my type, but I wrote you in the scene
I smile while its killing me and I stop by for a glance
I keep waiting on my moment, I kept waiting on my chance
Sent text message as a lullably, cards on Valentine
Still I've never been given due consideration that should've been mine
You give so freely to opposites and nothing to the one who relates
Never asked for a relationship just wanted to date
Been had me writing poems never even thought about a ring
Shit I barely even rap, but you make me want to sing
I just wanted to be close to you. I just wanted to be by your side
I didn't need strings attached, I just wanted to ride
I wanted you to care enough to set aside pride
I wanted to be there to brave your lows and around to salute your highs
I wanted to be with you from eternity through the end time
I wanted all of this knowing you'd never be mine
So, why should I keep trying when you never gave me a fair try?
I can't see 'em coming down my eyes, so I gotta make the poem cry. -For Dynamite

I Can't Cry for You; Melt My Heart to Stone

"And I hear your words that I made up. You say my name, like there could be an us. I best tidy up my head, I'm the only one in love. I'm the only one in love." -Adele

I could lie, but I won't because this is supposed to be our truth.
Nothing on this earth will be right if I don't have you.
I could say I'd stand still, but the reality is I'd keep moving...
All the while I'd be pretending I'm not wondering what you're doing.
I want to be there for you and give you what you deserve.
I want to be so in love with you that I'd go to the ends of the earth.
And you tell me you think the world of me, but you put everyone in the world before me.
And you act like I'm the bad guy to warming up to other men who show they adore me.
Then you tell me you don't want to be in a relationship and I turn around and you're seeing someone else.
It's like you do just enough to keep me on the shelf.
You don't even speak to me in public, so what do you want me to be?
 Because even at your best, you're not treating me friendly.
It's like I'm at the bottom of the barrel and I don't know what I've done...
To go from "you'll always be in my life" to "you'll never be the one."
It's like I never mattered. It's like I was never there.
And I can't even cry for you. It's like you never cared.

"I hear your words you made up. I say your name, like there should be an us. I best tidy my head. I'm the only one in love. I'm the only one in love." -Adele

-For Dynomite

Dynomite

I don't know how I feel anymore. I thought I was in love, but not so much anymore. Maybe it was infatuation. Maybe it was lust. Maybe it was convenience. I refuse to believe that love would treat me so coldly. It's even sadder when you think you really know the person who is causing all your pain. I think I have a problem with putting certain people in my life on a pedestal. It's like I expect hurt from some people, while other I hold in this light of perfection. I guess I'm just setting everyone up for failure.

At the end of the day, it is what it is. I can't make someone love me if they don't. There are no words (spoken or unspoken) that will change how one feels for me. Although, I think that it's common courtesy to hear a person out. I've always let people say their piece, whether I thought they deserved it or not. I've always been fair. I can not understand why I am not treated with the same regard. Why do people think they are better than me?

Because I refuse to let the words of my heart fall on empty ears, I'll say it here where it really matters.

A long time ago, I met a boy. He started as a friend until one day I realized how fabulous he is. He never showed interest in me, so I decided I'd go at his pace. He kept girlfriend....girlfriends that I'd of thought were beneath him. Then one day, I took a love and for a long time, I stopped considering that boy. Once Maize & Blue was out of my life, I saw that this boy has become a man. And for some reason I caught him when he was single. Even when I wasn't trying, I'd run into him. I understand that running into a person you know isn't usually a big thing, but it's an astronomical thing when those two people live in different cities. I had run into him at Walgreens, CVS, Dillards, Beachwood Mall, Skully's, just the most random of places. We've never talked about, but I wonder, if he ever thinks about it...

To make a long story short, I felt like all of these encounters combined with feelings I've harbored for nearly two decades meant something. But I found out last Wednesday that they and I mean nothing at all. Sometimes people have egos and pride issues to compensate for something else. I only hope that one day he sees what he walked away from.

Batter Up!

The right guy at the wrong time, that's the charm of Lindsay. No matter what I do, the cookie always seems to crumble that way. I'm starting to get comfortable with the thought of being alone forever. That scares me. Being content with settling isn't healthy, but it is what it is.

Things aren't going to greatly with CMB. The normal progression of things are fine, he's looking for another job and a new apartment so that he can move on from his current, romantic situation. Surprising to me, he has been going out to the club and hanging out with the fellas as well. The biggest shocker is that after over two years, he started drinking again. All those things are saying he really wants to be with me, but I am nervous that this isn't going to work.

We see eye to eye on so many things, but still there is this divide. We don't have the same goals in life. I want to be in love, get married and have babies. He just wants to be in love. I guess I am looking for someone who WANTS to be a husband and father. He says that if we took that step, he would do anything to make the relationship work, but I don't think marriage and parenthood should be something that is compromised. You compromise Splenda for sugar, faucet water for Evian, but one should not decide that to make his/her partner happy, they will become something they'd never planned. I think that so many relationships are founded on that notion and true to form, so many relationships are ending.

Being madly in love and seeing yourself in another person's soul is no longer the making of marriages. It's now butter and bullshit. It's like, what can I do to slide through the cracks. What game can I spit to get this person to thinking we are on the same page.

I don't think CMB is insincere, I just think there's a divide we are both unwilling to address.

When I start with the serious talk, he shuts down. He makes it seem as if it's all one side. But then when I start referring to him as friend and homie, like I did about 6 weeks ago, he sends me a song called "Lotus Flower Bomb" and says it describes how he feels about me. Not, 6 weeks later, the song is a single and people are playing it out and I am starting to feel the same way about our ups and downs....it's played the fuck out. Either you want something or you don't. Everyone needs time to be alone, but somethings got to give. I can't keep up with the hot and cold. I guess if would be different if I were luke-warm, but that's far from the truth.

I feel this man. And I can't say he is the one, but I would love to be with him. I guess it's kind of like IDMR. Some people just never leave your heart. No matter how hard you try. I talk a lot of shit, but there are some people who will always be under my skin and all it takes is a glance from them for all the feelings to come rushing back.

So, right now I have these two fabulous men in my life. They both have a completely different endings to offer me. They both irritate me to my bones...but even in the thick of it, I think they're both incredible. With all that being said, neither one of them is stepping up to the plate.

Aimless Babbling, Free Verse, The Good Angel

He's with her and he isn't in love, so it's all a waste.

I can't even take the effort to wish to be in her place.

We talk everyday, but it's more like our souls are inter-coursing.

And I want to bad mouth her so much, but it's not worth forcing.

Because done is already destined. Leave well enough alone.

And really how much can be done over the phone?

Full promises with out the means.

No empty lies but selling dreams.

But if it's not going to come to be,

What's the difference in between.

I know he's on my right side, but what else is left

unsaid. And what makes him different from the rest?

He's says I'm going in the wrong direction, so I turn around

Now that I'm headed North, he wants me to be down?

I can't lose for winning, but I can win and still lose.

If I ain't getting the one I want, what's the point to choose.

Something that started over a decade ago, could it come to fruition.

I don't know, but that's mainly because it's not my decision.

I love him and I have no doubt he loves me.

But that makes no difference anymore because we are no longer 13.

They say that's unlucky, so what do I think of this.

I can presume that what we have will cease to exist.

I shoot from the hip, so I'm the bad guy. He is rehearsed, so he's politically correct.

But why is it that a well thought out lie gets more respect?

It's that spoon full of sugar, but I am about taking it straight.

I guess that's why so many men just can't relate.

But he is eye to eye with me in my mind and my soul.

And although we try to get away from each other, we just can't let go.

for: Cash MONEY Baller

You're Not Alone

No matter how bad things seem to be, I have to keep reminding myself that I am never alone. My mom told me that the other night. I don't have too much to say. Life ain't good, but it could be so much worse. And Cutie Patootie makes me smile. I have a flight in the morning that I am terrified to take, but I will try to remind myself that if He is for me who can be against me. Some things just should make a difference anymore.

Case of the Ex

I never thought I could miss someone from my past so badly. To be honest, even when we were together my feelings were luke warm at best. Now, it's something different; I am really feeling this man. The only problem is, he has a girlfriend.

I am really thinking I need to fall back. He calls and texts me a bit much for someone who is in a relationship. I keep telling myself it isn't healthy, but it's not my job to enforce his relationship. The bottom line is, I don't respect his relationship. He is with someone else's baby's mother. What for? I wish I could just say, leave her and come to me, but I could never be the catalyst that breaks up someone else's happy home. This is classic Lindsay though. I always find the right man at the wrong time.

This is a guy who chased me for years. He was my first boyfriend. We went to each other's homecomings together. Sheesh, if it weren't for that, I would have never met or been with Maize & Blue. We have so many fond memories together.

The boy I once knew is now a man; facial hair, muscles and mentality. He has grown to be the kind of man I could see myself marrying. This is different than any other infactuation I've ever had. He is a guy who has always loved me for me. He liked me when there was absolutely no reason to like me. I'm talking about Kirk Middle School Lindsay. Baggy pants, tomboy, hair not combed Lindsay.

I remember Love & Basketball's opening weekend, he took me to see that movie. It was the same weekend when Jason Moore, the kid I'd been chasing for 5 years, finally decided to ask me out. I'll never forget, I had to make a decision. Go out with the guy who'd I thought was the man of my dreams and stand up....Money, or keep my plans with Money and say fuck Jason Moore. And I did the right thing. Smalls decisions like that have spawned into very important eras of my life.

Later than year, his girlfriend of four years broke up with him 2 weeks before homecoming. I didn't have a date to mines and decided to page him one night to see if he'd go with me. I went to his, where his ex and her friends followed me around all night after he won Homecoming King and he went to mines, where thirsty Shaw High chicks hadn't seen him since we were 14. Crazy how things work out.

Who knew that one of the guys who he introduced me to at his homecoming would end up being my first love and first serious relationship. I wish I could take that back.

Anyhow, I am doing a lot of babbling and maybe I am just infatuated, but I think Money is amazing. Who knows what will come of this. I couple of months ago, I though IDMR was for me, but he turned out to be a narcissist who is all about playing the field, and now I have no feelings for him at all. I am hoping that things don't turn out the same way for my Money. I really think he is for me. I can't believe that Yahweh would have kept him in my life for this long without reason. By chance, this is the third time we've reconnected. It's been fifteen years. I hope he doesn't end up being another ex-file on the cabinet.

In The Words of Jill

"If it stinks, then it stinks. If it's good, then it's good. If it's beautiful, then I need to make sure it sounds that way."

It is what it is. Even if I begged and pleaded, it wouldn't matter. Some thing just aren't meant to be and I am starting to trust Yahweh again. I trust that he knows what he is doing. Picking the person I want to spend my life with could not be that simple; nothing in my life has ever been simple. It would have been nice to be with someone I always thought was my equal, but he is afraid that I will end up hating him? What a cop out. Yet, every time my name is called, he does a 180. And the one time they got my last name wrong, I saw his reaction. I may not have acknowledged it, but I saw it and I took mental-note. Funny, those things the face tells that lip service tries to conceal.

Where will we be when all the chips fall? I won't have the regrets that he will, because I tried. I tried hard. I am just a person that believes certain lines should not be crossed if you're not going to go all the way. Why kiss me? Why even hug me?

I think that the male ego gets into the way of many blessings. No one will ever love him the way the I would have, could have. I guess it wouldn't be such a shame if I knew in my heart that he doesn't want to be with me, but he does. There is no good reason not to go up aside from him being a masochist.

Too bad. It would have had a beautiful ending.

Cast Down, but Not Destroyed

Ann Schultz died last Thursday. She was a sweet kind person I had the pleasure of working with for the last year. She brought the kind of joy and light heartedness that I wish all people had. My heart cries for her. Her death reminds me to be a better person, for Yahweh.

Don't Leave Me Like You Came

Bottom line, some things will always be unacceptable in my life. No matter how much I think He has changed me, I have a temper and I am dealing with it.

Last night I made a simple comment about my Dad, next thing I know people I've never heard of or met in life start talking shit to me. Of course I rose to the occasion. Then people I know jump to the defense of these cowards who have nothing to do but talk shit on Twitter. A girl I've known for many years tried to check me because I referred to her cousin and his mom as a bitch. I guess she doesn't know what kind of person I really am. Don't let the degree fool you. I guess there is supposed to come when I stop defending who I am and what I believe in, but I haven't gotten to this place yet.

The fact is, in life there will always be people like DJ Steph Floss & Darielle. Hatred exists and the devil is real, but I am happy to know that there is a man named Kinley. Who knew the simple tweet, "When I have a son, I'm naming him Marvin," would cause so many people anguish. I am not an angry, mean or mad type of person, so simple tweeps never have bothered me. I must admit, that sometimes I like to rowel people up. This probably sounds like a lot of babbling, but in all fairness, I'm a half-sleep insomniac typing it up at 4:21 in the morning.

I've been through so much in the recent year and I've been lower than I ever had in my life. I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I am starting to get my faith back. I can't allow Satanic people to bring me back to where I was 6 months ago. So, instead of continuing to deal with persons like Darielle and Steph, I decided to block them. I blocked them, not to fuel to fire, but I blocked them for myself. As I grow, I realize that I can't surround myself with certain kinds of people. I only deal with a certain caliber and someone people are beneath me.

My life is good. It always has been. I am forgiving my so-called enemies and moving on from the things that happened to me in the past. If bad happened it to me, I deserved it. I guess I deserved the tweets that Steph caused earlier. It is what it is. It's still all love. I've known DJ Steph Floss was a hater for a while now...the ish Neal told me mad that clear months ago. And Darielle, all I can do is laugh at her pathetic existence. Our mutual friend told me that she has been jealous of our relationship from day one. I kind of feel bad for her. I don't even know her and she obviously doesn't know me--and I'm find with that. She's miserable.

Anywho, the only one I can think about is Yahshua right now. I just want him to be proud of me. I just want him to save me. If you hate yourself it doesn't matter how many people love you. But if you love yourself, it doesn't matter how many people hate you. I trust in Him and everything will be okay.

P.S. I know this wasn't my best post and I'm def. not gonna edit it. MUAH!

I Miss Him

I miss Him. Not clear what or why I am going through this. Yahweh is my all, even when I don't know it. My tummy aches and I'm going to bed. Yashua, save me please. I love you.

Sabbatical Year

I need a rest from everything and everyone who brings stress into my life. I just want a year to breath easy without the drama of it all. No gimmicks and no facades. I'm young. No matter how much other people try to imply otherwise, I know where I stand in life. I haven't done anything too damaging to my own well being. I can bounce back from anything especially with Yahweh on my side.

The last couple of years have been rough for me. I never thought running away from the circumstances I left in Cleveland would present me which such anguish. Two fires, 3 restraining orders, witnessing a murder, a pipe bomb and last year's break in are just a mere shadow to all the drama I've been through. I never thought that physical things being taken away from me would cause so much pain. I haven't talked about it with many people outside of my family, but it changed me. It changed me in a way I hate. All of my plans and dreams were shattered in the moment that I got that phone call. It got me to thinking, if losing physical things could hurt me so much, what of my spirit?

I just need a year to reflect. A year to focus on my future is detrimental to my future's success. I'd like to move and I'd like to get another degree in the process, but first I need a plan. I need to rest my mind and my body. Get my health (and weight) up to par and one again I would like to love the person...the woman I see in the mirror. I want to be proud of my judgement. I want to be the girl who left East Cleveland. For so long I blamed my parents for things that really weren't in their control. They want the best for me. The brought me much farther than their parents ever could for them, and for that I am eternally grateful.

In this next year I want to relax, reflect and repent. I want Yahweh to bring me the faith I once had. I do want to touch the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, but I too want to touch the Tree of Life. Maybe I will jump out of the frying pan and into the fire, but I hope that's not what Yahweh has in store for me. For some reason I know better. It is his will.

Just Chillin'

There is not too much going on in my life; I've just been chilling. I'm trying to figure out my next move. I don't know where I am going, but I know the direction is up. I am trying to get back the faith I once had in Yahweh...unwavering. I am trying to get the trust I had in humanity. I want to believe that people aren't cruel and the negativity I come across is not with intentional. Life is hard. I never knew it would be this hard. I thought that if I walked on a prescribed path certain things, not everything, would be guaranteed to me. I thought I would be married by now. I thought I would have a career and I though I would be a mother by now, but none of that is the case. So, now I am trying to figure out what my future will be.

Who will be my friends and allies? Who will be the man I love; do I already know him? Will my family be okay. And the most important concern of them all is, does Yahweh have me in righteousness?

A while back I thought I found someone I was compatible with. We grew up together in the same bible school. I am starting to find, he is not who I thought he was. He seems to be worse than the men I've met on the street. He intentionally does shit to fuck with me and I know it. He won't even follow me on Twitter. I am sick of the petty games and ignorance. I can't be 100 with him without some snide comment. It's always something. What happened to friends? What happened to love? I guess it never was.

I am content, but I know I won't be this way for long. I just want to breath fresh air and have someone appreciate the life I appreciate. I want to work hard and I want to love harder. With Pierre, I pushed things and it turned out all bad. I realized this was a decade ago, but I lost my focus. I wanted to make Sean jealous and it spiraled out of control. And because of Pierre I missed the last year of Jason's life. I lost a lot for the relationship and I've never recovered. If I would have waited, better things would have been given to me. So now, I am learning patience .

There are so many things and people who don't matter, but I matter. I may never be a scholar or the type of woman who had men falling at my feet. I may die without a single soul having known the real me. In the end, I want to know I will be okay.

Many years ago I took a trip to Houston to visit Milbry. We went to a psychic on our way to Galveston. The lady told me I would always be financially stable and happy. Since then I haven't been much of either, but I have faith that I will. It saddens me that I have more faith in what some woman on the outskirt of Houston, TX told me than I do in an Elohim who has provided me any and everything. I know my faith will be back, eventually. I just hope it's sooner than later. No point in smiling if I don't really feel it.

A Day Like Today, I Miss You

I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start. I love you. I always did love you from the moment we spoke. I will love you for the rest of my life and I miss you. I miss you when it rains. I miss you when I'm lonely and I miss you when I don't have anyone to talk to, which is almost always. You were the kind of friend people dream about, but you were real. It's been ten years since we last spoke and eight years since you passed. My heart feels empty.

They say the good die young, but what of the bad? I hope you never knew them. My good friend Jay, you are the epitome of a warm spring day, of life, of love.

RIP Jason Robert Dorsey August 24, 1982~April 17, 2003 I love you.

A New Me

It's official! I have finally been cleared for my first post grad job. Who thought it would take a year and a half. The job is not even in my field and I am not going to be making nearly as much as I expected, but I feel blessed. A week from yesterday I will be entering a new era of my life. I am going to take this opportunity to start over. To be the person I should be. I hope I can do it. I hope I'll be happy.

What is the world to you. What means the world to you

Water into wine. Water into blood.

The best things and the worse things can come from the same love.

What is the world to you. A four block radius with no space to grow?

What means the world to you. Some won't experience anything worth enough to know.

My pleasure is my pain. My pain is my pleasure.

What I gave fully, I was only given in measure.

Such a paradox--those ideocracies of love.

Notions made too popular makes believable a deceptive tongue.

Do you love me for a reason, because it has none nor rhyme.

Although it claims to be infinite we assign it a time.

Anniversaries and deadlines and if someone doesn't meet our ultimatum...

We say we can't live without him, yet we won't settle for dating him?

And what is said of a marriage held on unhappy terms?

What did we come for; what did we learn?

Reality and a dream, where is the division in between?

What would you come to will if you had the means?

The glue in the beginning is what leaves things falling apart in the end.

And nothing is worse than losing a lover, save losing a friend.

What's the bottom line, what really counts?

What's closer to make believe or what's believable with out a doubt?

Over Time

I can't look into his eyes because I'm attracted and he's attractive.

So if I don't start it up, I'm just reaching for a reaction

Flirt a little here and there, but that's neither here nor there

Take it with a grain of salt, because I'd be turned by his stare

I'm not Lot's wife, but I could be his

And we aren't parents yet, but we could make kids

And a lot can spawn from the urban sprawl from which we once lived

Pipe dreams to pipping things

But where's the divide from what is real and what is seen

And a whole lot of jealousy can arise from eyes that are green

Trust, I am just blowing smoke, but remember where's there's smoke there's fire

Cause the only deception is professing that I'm a liar

Light skinned and light hearted and I wish I could get something started

But how can we have a mutual final destination if we differ from where we departed

So far yet so close and problems? Yes, there's a host

Feelings always get the strongest for the ones you try to push away the most

So instead of telling him, I tell this rhyme

And instead of it being over, I'm working overtime

Then maybe one day his feelings will be the same as mine

~OT

Moving

I need to move into my own place next month. I have been debating on what area of town I want to move to. I narrowed my decisions down to the Central area. I'm not an Columbus-East side kind of a girl and my current stint on the west side has learned me that this area isn't for me either. Downtown and Grandview Heights seem to be my only options. I'm starting a new job in two weeks and I am taking a pay cut, so Downtown doesn't seem to be as realistic of an option as it did a week ago. The good thing about Grandview is, it gives an awesome view of downtown, with half the hassle and nearly none of the unsavory characters.

This angle has me thinking a lot about life. More accurately, this angle has me concerned with my current dilemma. Do I want to be a part of the view or do I want to enjoy the view?

In life there are many things I am coming to learn I will never be. It was never in the stars and Yahweh never made it a part of his purpose. Loyal friends, certain men, even certain opportunities just don't happen for everyone. While this saddens me, I try to look at the brighter and more significant side of life. I have an amazing family. No matter how often or how much my parents have let me down, I have so much respect for them that I'd rather live in black and white than to let the color in my life disappoint them. I have two sisters who are so different yet so phenomenal that it causes me shame to look in the mirror. I have this priceless family, that for better or worse causes me to not only be, but want to be a better person.

I can't have sex. I can't do drugs. I can't lie. And with all these restrictions come freedom. The things I can't do are my peace of mind. They are the things that saves me from Yahweh's condemnation.

I don't have a boyfriend; maybe I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I'm not okay with that, but I have to face facts and prepare myself for what might be. As Layzie Bone once rapped, "Prepare for the worse and hope for the best and the rest is written." If I am alone, I have to know that I can buy a home, a new car, support my family solely...be okay. If seven years from now I'm still alone and I decide to become a mother, I want that option to be feasible.

Maybe I will never be rich, but I never was. Honestly, I never thought I would live past the age of 12. Where I come from there aren't expectations--but exceptions.

Life is what you make it and I've made it. Next month I will not only be moving, but moving on. I can't keep up with the Joneses, I can only live the life that My Father deems acceptable. Clubs are cool and I've always loved going out, but I think the lot of the time I was just running from my own thoughts. Sometimes a quiet room can be the loudest place.

I am okay with the woman I've become. I love my thought process. I'm proud. Not many people understand me, but I get it. I sometimes beat up on myself, but I get that too. So I guess I won't be the trophy. I won't be looked at, but me view will be immaculate.

On The Rocks (A Watered Down Poem)

I seem to want him the more I resist it

This leads me to believe I may be addicted

Not even my type but he's got me afflicted

Nothing leading up to this could have predicted...

The ups and downs, highs and lows

Where I use to be closed lipped, now can't keep my mouth closed

But most men like a chase and if you ain't playing hard to get

They're so quick to dismiss you, so quick to reject

But if you play too hard they call you a tease

A medium that's hard to find, but a medium every woman needs

I've never been into game playing, so I can't play the role

Upfront and direct, even at the cost of being alone

And I know the routine of what happens after my feelings are shone.

But one thing I can't seem to condone...

The twists and turns, hills and valleys

The road to redeeming love has only allowed me

I complain sometimes, but with growing there is pain

And I'm trying to understand if the costs are worth the gain

If the man is worth the trouble when he ain't even my type

Or if my addiction is just fueled by the hype?

~for Candlelight aka THE

Appreciation for my Brothas

Reach for the sky. See most black men hear this coming from the law.

Stopped on suspicion or stopped without cause.

Yet, when it comes from encouragement it's not as conceivable.

When will they reach up for Yahweh, is that still unbeileavble?

Because every man wants someone to believe in him, why would He be different.

And why can't we see that they only thing saving us is our sinning?

I wish I could get through to my brothers, let them know their worth.

Let them know their importance, let them know they come first.

Long Time No See

Well, a lot has happened. When Dunn died I was at the lowest point I've ever been in my adult life. Everything that could possibly go wrong, did. For a while I thought it couldn't get any worse, but I was wrong. Let's see, I let myself down on every level possible and yet I'm still here.

Someone broke into my apartment and I can't stop thinking about it. What they took from me is something that I feel I will never be able to get back. They took my peace of mind. They took the little bit of joy that I brought away from East Cleveland. And it's fine. I probably will never stop thinking about it and I probably will never get over it. I'm a spiritual being having a physical experience, so what of it? As I struggle to get my thoughts together, this post will probably be extended and insane babbling. But non the less, I am here.

Ive been trying really hard to forgive myself. I want to let shit go. I can name a million things I will never be and I have to find a way to accept it and move on. I'm not perfect. I struggle to brush my teeth, wash my face and wrap my hair at night. I've gained 25 lbs since July. I obsess over men who feel I'm not good enough. I'm a very jealous lover. I don't know how to express myself; most people think I am cold blooded, but I am sensitive to a fault. Most days I have a chip on my shoulder. I've had problems forgiving people who betrayed me, mainly myself.

At the end of that day, very few people know me. I have means strikes, but I am fun loving and silly. I break out into song and dance at the most random moments. It's a side of me that most people will never see, but the people who have can't get enough of it. I talk shit, but overall I love everyone. I wish that people would take the time to learn the real me.

Everyone is so judgmental. They read tweets or see me out at the club and make assumptions. I came from nothing. I don't know. I guess I just need to get a lot off my chest.

I found Dave Whitted and Dalana Giles. They both have two children. And after everything and over a decade of not talking, they still love me. Dalana & Dave were my best friend since Kindergarten. They don't make love like that anymore. People who care about you for no apparent reason at all. It's not about education or occupation. No one is judging you from where you were raised or who raised you. Past relationship, none of that matters. I miss that love. It's been a long time, but I think it's coming back into my life and it's right on time.

xoxo

Inconsistent

I'm so inconsistent when I'm pushed into this instance

of life and normalcy what everyone else calls existence

Adulthood, degrees, all the things I am supposed to be.

Religious yet supersticious. A lady in the streets but a freak in between...

The sheets and pure contradictions we pile on ourselves.

Cause everyone wants to be different, but we put the real us on the shelf.

And I'm not doing well with playing parts and wearing the mask

Yeah I can code switch but who gets the last laugh?

I'm trying to be the woman my parents are proud of but is it realistic?

Because if I keep going down this road my happiness will never be considered.

I could go all nite, but I just want to get me feet wet.

Haven't been back here since May, I've been too upset.

My Dunny Bunny

In an effort to vent without venting and hate without hating, today, I am remembering my good friend in this blog--that is unworthy of his name. I met Anthony Dunn at Kirk Middle School. He turned out the be one of the most significant, caring individuals in my life. Gracious, funny, adoring, and priceless are words that lack meaning when trying to define who Dunn was. No one knows his killer, but I can't help but want to hate him.

I can not and will not compare how I feel about Dunn with any other person, past or present. I also will defer from glorifying him just because he is no longer with us. What I will do is tell the truth. Dunn was wonderful and perfect in countless ways and he did not deserve to go the way he did.

I know that when a person dies, everyone makes it seem like they were faultless, but when it comes to my friend, the statement couldn't be anymore true. I regret that he left a young son and daughter behind to mourn his death. I regret that he did not get to live more years to finish his impact on this Earth. But, more than anything, I regret that Dunn was taken away. I will remember him fondly and in good spirits. I will remember the-clown-of-a-person I had the pleasure to call my friend. I thank Yahweh that he came into my life and I find peace in the fact that Dunn knew how much I care about him and our friendship.

"But time don't go back, it goes forwards. Can't run from the pain, go towards it. Things can't be explained. What caused it? SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SOUL, SO PURE. SHIT!" ~Jay-Z

Rest In Peace Anthony Dunn June 17, 1984-May 14, 2010 I will always love you.

Truth Time

I'm in love and I'm sure of it. I've never been sure of it before, especially this early on. I'm in love with a man who is in love with another woman. I am in love with a man who told me he wouldn't spin me and has done nothing but spin me ever since he made that statement. The sad part is, all I want to do is cry. but I've been heartbroken so many times, tears just won't fall. I don't know how I got here and I don't know why I let my guard down when this happened to me two years ago with the same man. I'm so fucking stupid and it's no one's fault but my own. I feel so bad. I'm not even depressed, I'm just really, really sad. The first time I figure I'm in love for sure and it's going to end like this? And like I said, all I want to do is cry, but I'm too cold. I guess it's over.

Kinda Depressed

How is it that I'm the one calling and texting, yet I'm not the one with the problem? I am really starting believe the theory that men don't want to be treated right. This is bullshit!

Always Will Be and Have Always Been

Because the truth is it's easier to lie, but I just can't understand how it's so easy. I've always had a problem with dishonesty. It's something I never could do. No matter how much the truth hurts, I ready myself for the backlash.

I met someone a couple of years ago and thought he was a breath of fresh air. It wasn't soon before he was playing games just like every man before him. Somehow, he found his way back into my life and true to form, as soon as I let my guard down, it's deja vu. I don't really know how I feel. It's seems I'm becoming immune to the woes of love. I can't even pretend anymore. I guess it is what it is. Men don't want women who really care about them. They don't want women who are sincere. Men want women who play roles and put on facades. They like women who stick around until you're not picked up by an NFL team then drops you on your ass. It's funny the way that women talk about these men behind their backs. There really is an even playing ground, because men play women, but the women men fall for are dirtier than them. Well, I am neither and I never will be. I will always be a sincere, caring female who loves people for who they are not because of what they can become. You can say anything about me, but the bottom line is, I will always be the truth. It just takes effort to prove it.

Projection (A Poem)

We would make beautiful babies. Am I jumping too far ahead?
We would have fun making them. Am I being to direct?
We would be so happy together...friends, dating, marriage.
Whether you're the man I one day tell my kids about or if you're my children's other parent.
I'll take whatever you're giving out, that's how much I value your existence.
And I'm open to know what you want from me, completely void of resistance.
Can't say I'll follow your every command, but I will read you mind.
You can set your clock by me baby, because I'll always be on time.
I can imagine lying with you and caressing your skin.
Massaging your scalp, breathing in your scent.
Just being under you in every way possible.
However do you want me, anything you desire is optional.
It may never happen, but "we" are together in my heart.
No cheap talk, no casual sex, everything we do is making love--in part.
I'll hold on to your every word, remember your every kiss.
Yearn for every moment your hands lift up my hips.
I want to touch every inch of you, consume your whole totality.
Don't let it end, the dream, I want to make it reality.
See other men around me, then lean my head on your shoulder.
Know I have a good thing before it's gone, well before it's over.
See other women and smile as they see you grab my hand.
You've grabbed my heat, you've grabbed my soul, you've done more than any other man.
Your smile has me on the edge of my seat, my feet on solid ground.
Everything in my life is concrete when ever you're around.
I want to be in love with you, kiss your lips.
I want so much out of this man who doesn't know I exist.

5-19-09 Inspired by J. N.

Honesty, Honestly

There are no gray areas, white lies, or half truths. If one puts a drop of poisin in your baby's bottle, will you proceed to feed it to the baby or is all the milk tainted? Some may see this view as extreme, but I have painstakingly learned that which looks real and seems real can not be fake.

We sometimes convince ourselves that what we want is always good for us, but that can't be true. I have found that when it comes to men, a lot like food, the ones that cater to my taste are usually bad for me. The 50s, the Candle Lights, the kind of men that would never give me a chance... The Charge-It-To-The-Games, The Mustangs/Caddys, the kind of men that never gave me an reason, The Big Times, The Abys, the kind of men that drug me through the mud, their taste was sweet on my lips, but their after taste is bitter in my heart.

Over the last few years, I have spent too much time being heart broken and harboring on past relationships--past men that really shouldn't and don't matter. I woke up one morning and realized that I have no say so in Yahweh's plan. If or when he has a man for me, I am sure it won't be who I expected. So, what am I doing? I decided to fall back and take it easy. I stopped calling Alias and all of a sudden he started calling me. I stopped caring about Bullshit and all of a sudden he is at my beakon call. It's funny how the tables turn.

Truth hurts, but honestly honesty heals quicker than lies ever did. Being blind sided by a man who I thought really cared almost killed me, but hoping that a man could love me, yet knowing the probabilty? That allowed me to brace myself. They say bracing breaks bones, but near death is less than broken bones and I'd rather have brokens bones than be spineless. I have a heart and there is no shame in it.

Today Would Have Been Different

If I would have had you yesterday today would have been different.
They say spirit is soul embodied, you would have been pure spirit.
Blasphemous thoughts would be clouding my mind.
If I would have had you last night, this morning you would have been mine.

But yesterday was so cold and the evening grew colder.
And when I woke up I was merely another day older.
The wind just blew by, there wasn't a breeze.
The birds just chirped, they didn't bother to sing.
Every thing was okay, but it could have been so much better.
If you were mine on the eleventh, you would have been mine forever.

If I would have had you last year, Haiti wouldn't have shook.
They say if you change one thing in the past, you change the entire book.
And even if my name came next on it's pages, I'd be ready to go.
Because my life would have been complete once you decided to show.

But the new year came as expected and the snow fell.
And yesteryear became yet another hard story to tell.
Because without you around, there is nothing to remember.

Yes, spring smelled so sweet as did summer, fall, and winter.

And last year you smiled a lot, but you would have been laughing.
What could have happened to us would have been beyond imagining.

If I could have you tomorrow, today would forever be known as the eve:
That dawned the day that Adam breathed.
That began time, because you make Earth stand still.
That brought the moment when love finally became real.

4-12-10

ALIas The Lion

Incredibly gracious, he smiled on me
His kind heart and warm ways flow so effortlessly
I find myself posing and it's almost exhausting
What earning his love is costing
It's a tale of the fittest, I must be strong
Or I'm left to envy the next girl on his arm
Because he was the king from the day I met him
No one could reach the pedestal on which I set him
And maybe it's a joke, but I'm not laughing
There may be many questions, but I'm not asking
Just wait for what is given and he always delivers
Just the thought of him on my mind and my body shivers

It's over and I still smile, glad that I was granted
There were many questions and he was the answer
I use to regret men, but I am so happy he happened
Broken hearted and still grateful amongst the pieces, shattered
Memories of mere moments I will never forget
Someone so special away from me I will always relent

Done

If this doesn't work out I promise with everything in me that I am done with love. I can not feel like this again. It's not worth it. I'd rather be alone always, that with someone for a moment that causes me so much pain that I can get through the rest of the time. It's sad but true. I've convinced myself before that things will be different this time, but they won't. The only difference is it will be worse. I am not sure about what lesson Yahweh wants me to learn. I am not sure what the purpose is in all of this, but I do know that he is the only one I have ever trusted and apparently he preordained all of which I am going through and have gone through in the past. Happiness is a choice and he made it that way. From this year forth I choose to be happy and I see that love has no place in my life. Love has never had a place in my life and most likely it never will. No one has ever loved me. I am not sure why, I guess He wants me to know that I shouldn't get comfortable here, but sometimes I feel like that cruel adjective that was mentioned about Yahweh in Scandinavian 548 was true. Either which was around, I'm done. Good day.

B.S. aka BULL SHIT (*Baron Voice)

I thought I would be sadder, but the sad truth is I'm immune
To being hurt be men after they do the things they do
About a year ago I gave up on love, then Tuesday I decided to leap
Rookie error to bet on someone I only knew one week

People don't believe me when I give them numbers, but my heart knows every digit
Every heartache, every heartbreak, that turned from too-good-to-be-true to unrealistic
That's why I move so slow, not in a rush to be let down
And the one time I change my mind, I wink and he's not around

Trust, Loyalty, What Does It All Mean? S. of C.

I'm having trouble seeing clearly. The best way I can describe it is blurred tunnel vision; it's a very narrow path.

The people I once knew cared about me are gone with the wind. I'm not so sure about them anymore.

I think about J.D. a lot and I wonder what could have been...what would have been? How is it someone so special, honest... someone so perfect, maybe the only person who has ever genuinely loved me for no reason at all, had to die? I know that I have so much to be grateful for, and I hate complaining (even through my thoughts), but some things in my life are astronomically unfair. There are questions that I have, thoughts that I push to the back of my mind because I am too afraid to learn what they really mean. I think that even if they were explained to me in great detail, I still would not understand.

I can't remember the last time I met someone who cared about me. It seems most people don't care about anything at all. So, who am I to believe that I could get a rise out of anyone?

Jason Dorsey taught me everything I need to know about life; never let my guard down. The people I am most loyal to are the ones who I should trust the least. When someone has proven one's self time and time again, though it may seem unnatural, the next time will be THE time that person let's me down. Jason taught me to love the things about people that can not be bought, earned, or changed. In the short run, that lesson is a gift and a curse, because when you learn to love the little things, it's hard to let a person go...even the jerks. J. taught me to have multiple perspectives. I just wish I had acknowledged these lessons before it were too late.

On the outside I am steel, but where it counts? I am becoming a cold, unmoved individual. In my life, I do not have a soul that I trust. Everyone is going in their own separate directions.

BJ....CM...KP...RR... these women changed my life. I will always wonder, what could have been. A chain of events, where if anything would have changed, EVERYTHING would have changed...everything would be different.

I could have all these things, but what does it mean when I'm gone? What is trust and loyalty worth if he's dead? I guess I'll never know.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to TRUST NO ONE but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together."
~Marilyn Monroe

Reminiscing

Since Charge-It-To-The-Game no one else has ever meant much to me. He is the reason that all of my friendships are disposable. He is the reason why I believe everyone is phony. I spent so much time bottling up my true feelings for him, and I waited too long to tell him the truth about how I felt. Timing is a bitch. For the rest of my life I will wonder what could have been. I know this is some high school, junior high, Caledonia type shit, but there will always be a place in my heart for him. Eight years is not too late. Forever is not too late. I started writing poems about that kid in '96. Ninety six! I wrote poems about him for over five years before I gave one to him. And when I did, he tossed me to the lions. I guess that's the way love goes.

Love is a Very Hard Thing to Find in 1996

Love is a very hard thing to find in 1996
So many player haters always tripping, trying to make a conflict
In relationships all I look for is trust, honesty, respect, and nothing less
But if I didn't sleep until I found this, I wouldn't get any rest
I know no one is perfect and that's always been then same
The present is now, the future will come, and my past will never changed
I'm searching for my destination, which is someone who loves me
I want a real man who satisfies my needs
I'm gone tell you something that's very true
From much experience, you should have know I knew
Broken hearts are hard to fix
Love is a very hard thing to find in 1996

I OBVIOUSLY wrote this in 1996, 13 years ago. All of which I said is still current.Thirteen years ago, I was half my age. I wrote this poem for one of my classmates who was about 6 months pregnant at the time. Man, I was 13, a baby, knowing nothing about love... and I still don't. Crazy huh?

A Couple Lines For Alias

He made me love things that I once hated, completely changed my view.
And even though my heart is heavy, I admit I was a better woman once it was through.
Now I always look for an upside to every down story, always looking for meaning.
And I always felt like half of me was dying every time I watched him leaving.
I want to tell him how I feel, but now he's way too busy.
I want him to be my soul mate, but now he's too good for Lindsay.
All the while I know it will never happen and still I stay persistent.
Once someone is in your heart, that love is never ending.

Everything of Is a Version of Something Else

Whether is was last year, five years ago, or a decade, I've been here before. I've heard the same lines, I have heard the same lies. I put up with it because I have nothing better to do. I put up with not-much-at-all because a little is more than nothing at all. Random text messages and less frequent phone calls are the glue that continue to give me false hope.

Now that Erin is married, people are looking for my next move. My mom asked me if I have a boyfriend, and I wanted to tell her that the unrealistic 1969 antics that she pressures me to follow wouldn't get be a friends let along a caller. Instead, I just told her, "No." I know who I want and I know what I want, but I am having trouble getting there.

A lot of women say that all men are dogs. I don't agree with their angle, but I do believe that all men are the same. Every man is looking to get ahead without any consideration to their counterparts. The man I am dealing with doesn't even seem to have the natural affection that "Allah" gave him. I would blame it on being unevenly yoked, but the three men from the I.D.M.R. that I've dated were worse.

I don't want much. I just want to make love and have my husbands babies. Ten years from I hope to be that version of myself. If I am anywhere in the process, I'll be happy.

WARM-UP

So, today is the day that I turn in my first completed draft for the MLK Day Event. This will be my first byline and therefore the launch of my writing career. I am a little nervous, and in hopes of calming myself down, I decided to jump on here and relinquish some obscure thoughts that might hault my creativity.

Nothing much has been going on lately. It had been eight months since I'd seen Alias, but I broke down. I saw him last Monday and Tuesday while I was in Cleveland. I sometimes wish that I could have met a person at a different time in life. Alias seems so jaded. It never seems like he cares about anything or anybody. Or maybe it's that he just doesn't care about me? I wonder if we had met when he was 30 or 25 and I was still the same age I am now, would it have worked? It's my personal belief that we would have been perfect for each others. It's actually my belief that we are perfect for each other now, but he is in Cleveland and I am here. In a world where time is only an allusion, does bad timing exist?

Love is a tricky, sticky thing. It confuses you and leads you down a path that isn't a path at all. It's a dead end. Love traps you and won't let you go. No matter how long it's been or how much you try to move on, escaping it is impossible. Alias as a person is perfect for me, everything about him. When I smile at him he smiles back, no reservations. When I ask him a question he answers it, no snide comments. I may never know what our relationship means. He may add to a list of others like Charge-It-To-The-Game, 50, Big Time, Candle Light, Esco Bar, and BBD, and I will never know. He may never believe or know just how much he means to me. Ten years from now, I may wonder where he is. I don't know. For right now I don't want it to end.

It's nice to see good guys and wish they were mines. But there are always going to be dividing factors. They're going to hate my upbringing, complexion, attitude... something.

I just want to move and start over. I want to pack up and leave no forwarding address. I've had my cell phone number for 8 years, but I am not going to make it to 9. I want a new number. I want to shut down my Facebook, Myspace, Black Planet, Hotmail, and Twitter. I don't want to take anything I had in my old life to my new existence. My family is my only asset. Everything else is a liability. Loose friendships and even looser relationships have done nothing but drag me down for the last twenty years. Since I was old enough to know what a friend is, I've been disappointed and mistreated. Since I was old enough to get into a relationship, I've been cheated on and disregarded. Now, all I feel is resentment for all the above. I want to go somewhere with a clear mind and fresh heart. I want to ride pass a street that doesn't have some sort of negative attachment. I want to dine in a restaurant where the food doesn't remind me. And at night I want to lay my head in an environment that will let me dream. Everything will start with this script. I'm ready.

Complicated

I am starting to think that men and relationship, maybe even friendships at times, are too complicated for me. I feel like I am always putting on a front for someone to like me. I can't remember the last time I was just myself! I bend over backwards to be nice to my ex just to prove that I am not bitter. I hang around girls I think are complete idiots, just to prove that I am have the ability to be cordial with females instead of falling out with them. I date men that I am not even interested in for the sake of having something to do and I am tired of it. The men I like never like me. It's always something. I don't know if they think I'm not good enough, or not pretty enough, or what? They never even give me a chance. I am exhausted. I keep thinking about NYC and how much I hate Columbus. I am miserable here. I just want to go. I always think about how different my life would have been if I hadn't left Cleveland. I am so glad I left there when I did. I hope that a year from now I am saying the same thing about Columbus.

I can not wait to start over. Most people wouldn't go to the city where they don't know anyone, but I prefer it that way. I want to go into a club where no one knows my name. I want to recreate myself without "so-called" friends hating on my self improvement. I want to go to a city where all the men are not self absorbed to the point where they can't recognize a good woman life me.

I'm pretty and intelligent. I have a degree and a drive to be better than what even my mother expects. I am strong and I encourage/push my friends to go to the next level. I am sound in my religion. What more could a man ask for? If nothing else has become so obviously apparent in these last eight years, there is no one in Columbus for me and I can't wait to move on.

Disrespected

Have you ever felt like you've met THE ONE only to find that you've met ANOTHER ONE? Well, that is where I am right now. I found someone who I mesh so well with. We like the same things, favor the same movies, finish each others lines, and we're both members of the IDMR. Perfect. Until tonight.

The fuckery that men put women through is lethal. They tell us what we want to hear and never bother to show their true feelings until we're emotionally attached. Every single time I go through this I tell myself it's going to be the last time, but it never is. If you disrespect men and treat them like they treat you, you're a bitch. If you do your best to make things work, you get bitched. So what is a woman to do?

For the longest time I blamed myself. I though maybe I was too skinny, then I got thick. I came to OSU to find out I was not light enough. I grew my hair out, cut it and it never mattered. I changed my attitude, got my priorities in order, and still that was not enough. I am starting to realize that it is not me, it's them. It's black men and the inferiority complex. Black men are to uncomfortable in their own flesh that they will do any and everything to knock those around them who are happy with what Yahweh has given them. 

Anyhow, my friend told me to "suck [his] dick" earlier. I don't even know what to say to that. So I erased him off my friend's list and deleted his number out of my phone. I refuse to be disrespected on my own watch. This is why I can not take men seriously. This is why I want to get the hell out of Ohio and start over. I am pretty much done with chasing and changing. Calling, texting with no response is a thing of the past. Say good bye to Lindsay, because the old me is back.

The Last Time I Saw Him

He reminded my of a breath of fresh air.

No one or nothing could have stopped me from being there.

When he talked I listened with no interruptions.

And when he gave me advice there were no corruptions.

I can honestly says I loved everything about him, even his flaws.

The things he did that bothered me made me smile most of all.

That night was a pivotal moment in my life.

I wish I could get back to that feeling-oh-so-right.

But he left.

The last time I saw him his eyes shined so bright.

He took his gloves off and placed his left hand on my thigh.

We watched the millennium together, fireworks sparked.

Literally and physically as we sat there parked.

It was a Camry. He was a Maybach. I drove a Probe.

I drove away and the night was cold.

I drove away and I will always regret.

After I drove away what came next.

He left me.

R.I.P. Jason Robert Dorsey

You will never know just how much you mean to me. There is not a day that passes when I don't think of you. I am eternally grateful to Yahweh for bringing you into my life. I will never forget January 1, 2001. 

Who Can Be Against Me?

After graduating last week without so much as a celebratory text, call, tweet, or note on Facebook from any one of my so-called friends, I feel uplifted. Progression is fine to my "friends" as long as I am not progressing pass them. I left Cleveland to find a better life. I have gone through hell and high water to keep in touch with my loved ones at home. The sad truth is, the only ones who give me reciprocity are my immediate family members and that's fine.

I even had an old friend from home move to Columbus a few years ago. We grew closer than we ever had been when we were in E.C. Then she got pregnant. All of a sudden she is giving me the cold shoulder. I went out of my way to take her out in her birthday. A week later on my birthday, I didn't even get a call. I went out of my way to MAKE her a fabulous baby shower gift (and let's not forget I haven't had a job since December of 2007). The bitch couldn't even do so much as to take a picture of my gift like she had with the other ladies at the shower. Furthermore, she did not even bother to show up at my graduation. I realized something then and there, she can not be a friend to me because I am happy and she is not.

I have plenty of female friends who are mothers. yet I seem to never stay friends with women who were childless when our friendships started. As soon as they get pregnant and unhappy, they write me off.

Right here and now I am making a pledge to myself. I will never be a babies mother. I will never birth a child into an unhappy marriage. I am going to do everything within my power to be a happy woman and when my power fails I will not hesitate to call on Yahshua. Yahshua was there when I was born and he is here now. He is my all in all. And when none of my so-called friends on Earth felt a need to attend my graduation, he orchestrated it!

A year ago I told myself I would work for McGraw-Hill and finish at Ohio State. I did it. Two years ago I said I would live in NYC; I am still going to do it. I will make the sacrifices necessary to get into City College and get my MFA in Creative Writing. No one will hold that it took me eight years to graduate over my head. And if they do I won't mind. The men who looked over me will never forget my face, and the women who couldn't not welcome my happiness will have more of a reason to be envious. You read it first here. When it comes to past I hope you are one of the people who enjoy my success with me. Yahshua is my foundation, rest, and everything. Yahshua is my Elohim. If he be for me...

Hungry

I have am so hungry for love, but not any love. I want a specific love. A man that believes in whom I believe in. A man who is fit and cute. A man who whole heartily loves me and would never leave me. He doesn't have to be rich (though that would be a perk). He doesn't have to be popular (I'd actually prefer him not to be). He just has to be a Yahweh fearing man who loves me and what we have together. Am I asking for too much? I think not.

I had a revelation as I laid on the couch this morning. Yahweh provides everything I need. He has gotten me through hell and high water. He will bring me a man that makes me happy and makes me see his purpose even clearer. I am sure of it. So, I am sitting on His promise. I love Yahweh so much. I love him so much that my unhappiness is happy.

Inspired by Lauryn

I had to walk away and close my ears
Because love wouldn't do that; love doesn't bring tears
And when he called I sent him to voicemail even when he blocked to private
Because love doesn't move that way; love doesn't act childish
When friends turned against me and chose his side, I gave them space
Because love isn't like that; love isn't two faced
After a while I forgot about the bad things, and wanted to forgive
Because love always does that; love wants to be friends
Then he crossed the line and found a way back into my heart
Because love always does that, love knows how to play its part
Break up to make up became the story of our relationship
Because love just renews itself; love won't let you split
By the end it was shame on me for giving him a second chance
Just because love is perfect does not mean it will be a perfect romance.

Men Who Are Taken

Lately, I have been bombarded by men who are taken. Some of these men are in relationships, many are affianced, and the rest are married. I am not "the other woman" type, but at the same time I will not enforce someone else's relationship. I try ignore the men who are married and hope that their marriages get better. When I am approached by men in relationships, I am just thankful that I am not committed to a cheating man. But when it comes to the men who are in relationships and make advances towards me, I must admit I have the tendency to flirt.

I met a boy when I was a girl. I thought he was everything. He befriended me and sent me letters. One summer I got into a relationship with someone else; by then he was a man. He didn't approve of my relationship, but we continued to talk. I broke up with the man I was seeing when I was 20. We talked a lot and he mentioned marriage, but I was still too young. We lost contact and the next time I heard his name come up in conversation he had married another woman. It hadn't even been a year. I wished the best for him, but deep down inside I was sad.

Time came and went and so did his marriage. I thought that maybe Yahweh had thrown me a bone. We got back in contact and talked quite frequently. I visited him several times and every time he moved around the country our friendship got closer. He flew me down to visit him last spring and after he dropped me off at the airport, I never talked to him again. I am not quite sure what happened. Well, I wasn't sure until he myspaced me last week to say that he had married again and now has a step son. I am happy for him.

I started thinking about prayer and how much I have asked Yahweh to bring me someone who is successful but shares my religion. For a long time, even though there was no chemistry, I thought that he was that man. He has a degree and is making six figures. He is nice looking overall and doesn't have any kids. But it wasn't him. This spring, I met another man from the Institute. He seems to be another Mr. Everything. He has a degree and a successful career. He has never been married and doesn't have any children, but he is engaged to an older woman who has a son. I want to be happy for him and wish him the best. But honestly, I wonder what could have been if I would have met him a year ago. Two years ago. Three years ago. Will Yahweh throw me another bone with a taken man?

Wanna Be Loved

Don't feel no pity for me cause I'm going through a couple thangs
Life means change; that's the way it goes
All my life I had a constant burning & strong deep desire an aching ambiguous yearning
For something better, for something BIGGER, for something wider, for something higher
And got some regrets cause I ain't seemed to find it yet
I been searching round the world never knowing what to expect
I get sad YUP I BE MAD
Cause I'm out here on the grind making mine and I still can't seem to find
What I'm looking for, open so many doors
Forreal y'all...I JUST WANNA BE LOVED!

~Jill Scott

Thoughts

My English 533 professor told our class last quarter that most of the great writers were insomniacs. Well, hopefully the same is said about me oneday. Hopefully I will be the greatest.

I had a good conversation with Emeri and Elise today. I love when of conversations get religious and all the timidness falls away. Yahweh is amazing.

I am so over Maize and Blue that I am going to send him all of his so-called prized possesions. Back when we were dating he never had money. I would always buy him gifts, and since he could not return the favor he would give me game jerseys and championship rings. That meant a lot when I thought that I meant a lot, but now I know that I never did mean anything to him. That is fine, but it is nice to finally know the truth. I was going to post a lot more, but I think I am done for the night.

Forgiveness

Many things will make you cry, but most things aren't worth the stress.
A lot of so-called friends will disappoint; only a few will stand the test.
Even when life is at it's height in 60 seconds it can turn to mess.
Just drop to you knees where ever you stand and Yahweh will do the rest.
Enemies will scrap your surface, but the cut comes deepest from your BFF
All your stock will plummet as soon as you decide to invest
People will suck you dry until you have nothing left.
And when you need them the most-they'll laugh in your face at best.
Lovers will deceive you and lie to the death.
With 3 hail Marys and a priest in a booth, they still won't confess.
Then you get to the point where cold blood pumps through your chest.
But the best thing you could ever do is forgive and forget.