May 1, 2012

I don't know what it is about writing this last poem that has me plagued. I've been trying to write it for weeks. It's pretty sad. I want to get all of these feelings out on paper before my next trip to Cleveland. The reality is, I am ready to move on. Just today it hit me, I am focusing on the wrong man. If Yahweh isn't the be all and end all, then he can't be the all in all. I thought I'd made up with Darnell last time I was home, but it turns out, he is still being a jerk. But I am happy about it. It reminded me of how much I was feeling him in the late summer/early fall. The way I have been obsessing about Dynamite is the same way I was obsessing about him. In the end, I will get over this Dynamite thing. The only reason it's taking so long is because there are no other prospects and I put him on a pedestal taller than he.

In the end, it would have been beautiful, but would have is not good enough. I need someone who understands I am just as special as he is. I want to be 50/50 which really means 100. I'm not asking for too much. And, I don't deserve to be treated like trash. I know, the affirmations are killing this post, but it is what it is. I love who loves me and I dismiss who hates me, in theory.

Life is hard and death is easy and I'd have it no other way. I am so appreciative for what I have and I try to remind myself of how lucky I am. I have had the pleasure of knowing my parents my entire life. I have two strong, beautiful older sister who provide a perfect example of what a young lady should be. My nephew represents all the pure truths that I try to ignore. My relationship with Derrick, my best friend, has proved to be both challenging. Every one is everything I need. A man could only be the icing at best.

I am sure that down the line space will be made for a more permanent place for men in my life, but not right now. Games are the thing of the 20s and I'll ride it out gladly. I think 2013 has something in store for me & CMB anyhow. Out with the old, in with the new. 29, bring it on!