Trust, Loyalty, What Does It All Mean? S. of C.

I'm having trouble seeing clearly. The best way I can describe it is blurred tunnel vision; it's a very narrow path.

The people I once knew cared about me are gone with the wind. I'm not so sure about them anymore.

I think about J.D. a lot and I wonder what could have been...what would have been? How is it someone so special, honest... someone so perfect, maybe the only person who has ever genuinely loved me for no reason at all, had to die? I know that I have so much to be grateful for, and I hate complaining (even through my thoughts), but some things in my life are astronomically unfair. There are questions that I have, thoughts that I push to the back of my mind because I am too afraid to learn what they really mean. I think that even if they were explained to me in great detail, I still would not understand.

I can't remember the last time I met someone who cared about me. It seems most people don't care about anything at all. So, who am I to believe that I could get a rise out of anyone?

Jason Dorsey taught me everything I need to know about life; never let my guard down. The people I am most loyal to are the ones who I should trust the least. When someone has proven one's self time and time again, though it may seem unnatural, the next time will be THE time that person let's me down. Jason taught me to love the things about people that can not be bought, earned, or changed. In the short run, that lesson is a gift and a curse, because when you learn to love the little things, it's hard to let a person go...even the jerks. J. taught me to have multiple perspectives. I just wish I had acknowledged these lessons before it were too late.

On the outside I am steel, but where it counts? I am becoming a cold, unmoved individual. In my life, I do not have a soul that I trust. Everyone is going in their own separate directions.

BJ....CM...KP...RR... these women changed my life. I will always wonder, what could have been. A chain of events, where if anything would have changed, EVERYTHING would have changed...everything would be different.

I could have all these things, but what does it mean when I'm gone? What is trust and loyalty worth if he's dead? I guess I'll never know.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to TRUST NO ONE but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together."
~Marilyn Monroe