Batter Up!

The right guy at the wrong time, that's the charm of Lindsay. No matter what I do, the cookie always seems to crumble that way. I'm starting to get comfortable with the thought of being alone forever. That scares me. Being content with settling isn't healthy, but it is what it is.

Things aren't going to greatly with CMB. The normal progression of things are fine, he's looking for another job and a new apartment so that he can move on from his current, romantic situation. Surprising to me, he has been going out to the club and hanging out with the fellas as well. The biggest shocker is that after over two years, he started drinking again. All those things are saying he really wants to be with me, but I am nervous that this isn't going to work.

We see eye to eye on so many things, but still there is this divide. We don't have the same goals in life. I want to be in love, get married and have babies. He just wants to be in love. I guess I am looking for someone who WANTS to be a husband and father. He says that if we took that step, he would do anything to make the relationship work, but I don't think marriage and parenthood should be something that is compromised. You compromise Splenda for sugar, faucet water for Evian, but one should not decide that to make his/her partner happy, they will become something they'd never planned. I think that so many relationships are founded on that notion and true to form, so many relationships are ending.

Being madly in love and seeing yourself in another person's soul is no longer the making of marriages. It's now butter and bullshit. It's like, what can I do to slide through the cracks. What game can I spit to get this person to thinking we are on the same page.

I don't think CMB is insincere, I just think there's a divide we are both unwilling to address.

When I start with the serious talk, he shuts down. He makes it seem as if it's all one side. But then when I start referring to him as friend and homie, like I did about 6 weeks ago, he sends me a song called "Lotus Flower Bomb" and says it describes how he feels about me. Not, 6 weeks later, the song is a single and people are playing it out and I am starting to feel the same way about our ups and downs....it's played the fuck out. Either you want something or you don't. Everyone needs time to be alone, but somethings got to give. I can't keep up with the hot and cold. I guess if would be different if I were luke-warm, but that's far from the truth.

I feel this man. And I can't say he is the one, but I would love to be with him. I guess it's kind of like IDMR. Some people just never leave your heart. No matter how hard you try. I talk a lot of shit, but there are some people who will always be under my skin and all it takes is a glance from them for all the feelings to come rushing back.

So, right now I have these two fabulous men in my life. They both have a completely different endings to offer me. They both irritate me to my bones...but even in the thick of it, I think they're both incredible. With all that being said, neither one of them is stepping up to the plate.