Serial Insomniac

It's crazy, for the last two years I've had insomnia like crazy. Last night, for the first time in a long time, I slept like a baby. I guess my mind is clear and although that moment of clarity was forced on me, I appreciate it. I've finally got the drive to move on. I forgot what it feels like to be love, to be like even.

I've been emotionally painting myself in corner for years. I go after men who are interested and then when the forseen manifests I blame them and oddly enough I blame myself. Instead of seeing everyone is not for everybody, I've been destined to change the stars. In the end I now see, I have to fuck with whoever fucks with me. You can't force interest on money or people. It takes times and more importantly one has to already have a substancial amount of stock to already invest.

No one wants to be with an insecure, inconfident person. Men love women who have already found themselves.

I am done loving people--male and female--who don't love me. In an effort to be kind, I also welcome advances from people I could never have interest in. I'm done with that too. Friends are friends. Lovers are lovers. There is no gray area for me. I've never had a man "grow on me." And I suspect it won't start happening now. I'm either going to have to wait, patiently, or settle.

I'm not blaming anyone and I know Yahweh has it all set up. The last time I remember being happy in love--I wasn't happy in love, I was happy to be in it--was during the 5th Ave/Polaris era. I'm going to get back to that, maybe tonight. It's been six long years since I've loved someone freely with no inhibitions. With them, it didn't matter what they had or where they came from.

I'm just ready to get this last day over with and let the 5 day weekend come on. We usually get off and hour early the day before hxoliday time, so I'll be out by three if I can get myself out of bed and into the office.

I want to always be proud of the woman I've become. I've made a lot of mistakes in my 28 years, but gratefully I have done anything that I can't bounce back from. I forgive on every turn and I've been taken back by some people who are so undeserving of the treatment I've given them.

My heart isn't heavy and I'm finally sleeping. This time around I played no games and it didn't work out, so I'm leaving my problems at the alter. No one else will do me like Yahweh does me and he's given me rest.