Long Time No See

Well, a lot has happened. When Dunn died I was at the lowest point I've ever been in my adult life. Everything that could possibly go wrong, did. For a while I thought it couldn't get any worse, but I was wrong. Let's see, I let myself down on every level possible and yet I'm still here.

Someone broke into my apartment and I can't stop thinking about it. What they took from me is something that I feel I will never be able to get back. They took my peace of mind. They took the little bit of joy that I brought away from East Cleveland. And it's fine. I probably will never stop thinking about it and I probably will never get over it. I'm a spiritual being having a physical experience, so what of it? As I struggle to get my thoughts together, this post will probably be extended and insane babbling. But non the less, I am here.

Ive been trying really hard to forgive myself. I want to let shit go. I can name a million things I will never be and I have to find a way to accept it and move on. I'm not perfect. I struggle to brush my teeth, wash my face and wrap my hair at night. I've gained 25 lbs since July. I obsess over men who feel I'm not good enough. I'm a very jealous lover. I don't know how to express myself; most people think I am cold blooded, but I am sensitive to a fault. Most days I have a chip on my shoulder. I've had problems forgiving people who betrayed me, mainly myself.

At the end of that day, very few people know me. I have means strikes, but I am fun loving and silly. I break out into song and dance at the most random moments. It's a side of me that most people will never see, but the people who have can't get enough of it. I talk shit, but overall I love everyone. I wish that people would take the time to learn the real me.

Everyone is so judgmental. They read tweets or see me out at the club and make assumptions. I came from nothing. I don't know. I guess I just need to get a lot off my chest.

I found Dave Whitted and Dalana Giles. They both have two children. And after everything and over a decade of not talking, they still love me. Dalana & Dave were my best friend since Kindergarten. They don't make love like that anymore. People who care about you for no apparent reason at all. It's not about education or occupation. No one is judging you from where you were raised or who raised you. Past relationship, none of that matters. I miss that love. It's been a long time, but I think it's coming back into my life and it's right on time.

xoxo