Just Chillin'

There is not too much going on in my life; I've just been chilling. I'm trying to figure out my next move. I don't know where I am going, but I know the direction is up. I am trying to get back the faith I once had in Yahweh...unwavering. I am trying to get the trust I had in humanity. I want to believe that people aren't cruel and the negativity I come across is not with intentional. Life is hard. I never knew it would be this hard. I thought that if I walked on a prescribed path certain things, not everything, would be guaranteed to me. I thought I would be married by now. I thought I would have a career and I though I would be a mother by now, but none of that is the case. So, now I am trying to figure out what my future will be.

Who will be my friends and allies? Who will be the man I love; do I already know him? Will my family be okay. And the most important concern of them all is, does Yahweh have me in righteousness?

A while back I thought I found someone I was compatible with. We grew up together in the same bible school. I am starting to find, he is not who I thought he was. He seems to be worse than the men I've met on the street. He intentionally does shit to fuck with me and I know it. He won't even follow me on Twitter. I am sick of the petty games and ignorance. I can't be 100 with him without some snide comment. It's always something. What happened to friends? What happened to love? I guess it never was.

I am content, but I know I won't be this way for long. I just want to breath fresh air and have someone appreciate the life I appreciate. I want to work hard and I want to love harder. With Pierre, I pushed things and it turned out all bad. I realized this was a decade ago, but I lost my focus. I wanted to make Sean jealous and it spiraled out of control. And because of Pierre I missed the last year of Jason's life. I lost a lot for the relationship and I've never recovered. If I would have waited, better things would have been given to me. So now, I am learning patience .

There are so many things and people who don't matter, but I matter. I may never be a scholar or the type of woman who had men falling at my feet. I may die without a single soul having known the real me. In the end, I want to know I will be okay.

Many years ago I took a trip to Houston to visit Milbry. We went to a psychic on our way to Galveston. The lady told me I would always be financially stable and happy. Since then I haven't been much of either, but I have faith that I will. It saddens me that I have more faith in what some woman on the outskirt of Houston, TX told me than I do in an Elohim who has provided me any and everything. I know my faith will be back, eventually. I just hope it's sooner than later. No point in smiling if I don't really feel it.