Complicated

I am starting to think that men and relationship, maybe even friendships at times, are too complicated for me. I feel like I am always putting on a front for someone to like me. I can't remember the last time I was just myself! I bend over backwards to be nice to my ex just to prove that I am not bitter. I hang around girls I think are complete idiots, just to prove that I am have the ability to be cordial with females instead of falling out with them. I date men that I am not even interested in for the sake of having something to do and I am tired of it. The men I like never like me. It's always something. I don't know if they think I'm not good enough, or not pretty enough, or what? They never even give me a chance. I am exhausted. I keep thinking about NYC and how much I hate Columbus. I am miserable here. I just want to go. I always think about how different my life would have been if I hadn't left Cleveland. I am so glad I left there when I did. I hope that a year from now I am saying the same thing about Columbus.

I can not wait to start over. Most people wouldn't go to the city where they don't know anyone, but I prefer it that way. I want to go into a club where no one knows my name. I want to recreate myself without "so-called" friends hating on my self improvement. I want to go to a city where all the men are not self absorbed to the point where they can't recognize a good woman life me.

I'm pretty and intelligent. I have a degree and a drive to be better than what even my mother expects. I am strong and I encourage/push my friends to go to the next level. I am sound in my religion. What more could a man ask for? If nothing else has become so obviously apparent in these last eight years, there is no one in Columbus for me and I can't wait to move on.

Disrespected

Have you ever felt like you've met THE ONE only to find that you've met ANOTHER ONE? Well, that is where I am right now. I found someone who I mesh so well with. We like the same things, favor the same movies, finish each others lines, and we're both members of the IDMR. Perfect. Until tonight.

The fuckery that men put women through is lethal. They tell us what we want to hear and never bother to show their true feelings until we're emotionally attached. Every single time I go through this I tell myself it's going to be the last time, but it never is. If you disrespect men and treat them like they treat you, you're a bitch. If you do your best to make things work, you get bitched. So what is a woman to do?

For the longest time I blamed myself. I though maybe I was too skinny, then I got thick. I came to OSU to find out I was not light enough. I grew my hair out, cut it and it never mattered. I changed my attitude, got my priorities in order, and still that was not enough. I am starting to realize that it is not me, it's them. It's black men and the inferiority complex. Black men are to uncomfortable in their own flesh that they will do any and everything to knock those around them who are happy with what Yahweh has given them. 

Anyhow, my friend told me to "suck [his] dick" earlier. I don't even know what to say to that. So I erased him off my friend's list and deleted his number out of my phone. I refuse to be disrespected on my own watch. This is why I can not take men seriously. This is why I want to get the hell out of Ohio and start over. I am pretty much done with chasing and changing. Calling, texting with no response is a thing of the past. Say good bye to Lindsay, because the old me is back.

The Last Time I Saw Him

He reminded my of a breath of fresh air.

No one or nothing could have stopped me from being there.

When he talked I listened with no interruptions.

And when he gave me advice there were no corruptions.

I can honestly says I loved everything about him, even his flaws.

The things he did that bothered me made me smile most of all.

That night was a pivotal moment in my life.

I wish I could get back to that feeling-oh-so-right.

But he left.

The last time I saw him his eyes shined so bright.

He took his gloves off and placed his left hand on my thigh.

We watched the millennium together, fireworks sparked.

Literally and physically as we sat there parked.

It was a Camry. He was a Maybach. I drove a Probe.

I drove away and the night was cold.

I drove away and I will always regret.

After I drove away what came next.

He left me.

R.I.P. Jason Robert Dorsey

You will never know just how much you mean to me. There is not a day that passes when I don't think of you. I am eternally grateful to Yahweh for bringing you into my life. I will never forget January 1, 2001. 

Who Can Be Against Me?

After graduating last week without so much as a celebratory text, call, tweet, or note on Facebook from any one of my so-called friends, I feel uplifted. Progression is fine to my "friends" as long as I am not progressing pass them. I left Cleveland to find a better life. I have gone through hell and high water to keep in touch with my loved ones at home. The sad truth is, the only ones who give me reciprocity are my immediate family members and that's fine.

I even had an old friend from home move to Columbus a few years ago. We grew closer than we ever had been when we were in E.C. Then she got pregnant. All of a sudden she is giving me the cold shoulder. I went out of my way to take her out in her birthday. A week later on my birthday, I didn't even get a call. I went out of my way to MAKE her a fabulous baby shower gift (and let's not forget I haven't had a job since December of 2007). The bitch couldn't even do so much as to take a picture of my gift like she had with the other ladies at the shower. Furthermore, she did not even bother to show up at my graduation. I realized something then and there, she can not be a friend to me because I am happy and she is not.

I have plenty of female friends who are mothers. yet I seem to never stay friends with women who were childless when our friendships started. As soon as they get pregnant and unhappy, they write me off.

Right here and now I am making a pledge to myself. I will never be a babies mother. I will never birth a child into an unhappy marriage. I am going to do everything within my power to be a happy woman and when my power fails I will not hesitate to call on Yahshua. Yahshua was there when I was born and he is here now. He is my all in all. And when none of my so-called friends on Earth felt a need to attend my graduation, he orchestrated it!

A year ago I told myself I would work for McGraw-Hill and finish at Ohio State. I did it. Two years ago I said I would live in NYC; I am still going to do it. I will make the sacrifices necessary to get into City College and get my MFA in Creative Writing. No one will hold that it took me eight years to graduate over my head. And if they do I won't mind. The men who looked over me will never forget my face, and the women who couldn't not welcome my happiness will have more of a reason to be envious. You read it first here. When it comes to past I hope you are one of the people who enjoy my success with me. Yahshua is my foundation, rest, and everything. Yahshua is my Elohim. If he be for me...

Hungry

I have am so hungry for love, but not any love. I want a specific love. A man that believes in whom I believe in. A man who is fit and cute. A man who whole heartily loves me and would never leave me. He doesn't have to be rich (though that would be a perk). He doesn't have to be popular (I'd actually prefer him not to be). He just has to be a Yahweh fearing man who loves me and what we have together. Am I asking for too much? I think not.

I had a revelation as I laid on the couch this morning. Yahweh provides everything I need. He has gotten me through hell and high water. He will bring me a man that makes me happy and makes me see his purpose even clearer. I am sure of it. So, I am sitting on His promise. I love Yahweh so much. I love him so much that my unhappiness is happy.

Inspired by Lauryn

I had to walk away and close my ears
Because love wouldn't do that; love doesn't bring tears
And when he called I sent him to voicemail even when he blocked to private
Because love doesn't move that way; love doesn't act childish
When friends turned against me and chose his side, I gave them space
Because love isn't like that; love isn't two faced
After a while I forgot about the bad things, and wanted to forgive
Because love always does that; love wants to be friends
Then he crossed the line and found a way back into my heart
Because love always does that, love knows how to play its part
Break up to make up became the story of our relationship
Because love just renews itself; love won't let you split
By the end it was shame on me for giving him a second chance
Just because love is perfect does not mean it will be a perfect romance.

Men Who Are Taken

Lately, I have been bombarded by men who are taken. Some of these men are in relationships, many are affianced, and the rest are married. I am not "the other woman" type, but at the same time I will not enforce someone else's relationship. I try ignore the men who are married and hope that their marriages get better. When I am approached by men in relationships, I am just thankful that I am not committed to a cheating man. But when it comes to the men who are in relationships and make advances towards me, I must admit I have the tendency to flirt.

I met a boy when I was a girl. I thought he was everything. He befriended me and sent me letters. One summer I got into a relationship with someone else; by then he was a man. He didn't approve of my relationship, but we continued to talk. I broke up with the man I was seeing when I was 20. We talked a lot and he mentioned marriage, but I was still too young. We lost contact and the next time I heard his name come up in conversation he had married another woman. It hadn't even been a year. I wished the best for him, but deep down inside I was sad.

Time came and went and so did his marriage. I thought that maybe Yahweh had thrown me a bone. We got back in contact and talked quite frequently. I visited him several times and every time he moved around the country our friendship got closer. He flew me down to visit him last spring and after he dropped me off at the airport, I never talked to him again. I am not quite sure what happened. Well, I wasn't sure until he myspaced me last week to say that he had married again and now has a step son. I am happy for him.

I started thinking about prayer and how much I have asked Yahweh to bring me someone who is successful but shares my religion. For a long time, even though there was no chemistry, I thought that he was that man. He has a degree and is making six figures. He is nice looking overall and doesn't have any kids. But it wasn't him. This spring, I met another man from the Institute. He seems to be another Mr. Everything. He has a degree and a successful career. He has never been married and doesn't have any children, but he is engaged to an older woman who has a son. I want to be happy for him and wish him the best. But honestly, I wonder what could have been if I would have met him a year ago. Two years ago. Three years ago. Will Yahweh throw me another bone with a taken man?

Wanna Be Loved

Don't feel no pity for me cause I'm going through a couple thangs
Life means change; that's the way it goes
All my life I had a constant burning & strong deep desire an aching ambiguous yearning
For something better, for something BIGGER, for something wider, for something higher
And got some regrets cause I ain't seemed to find it yet
I been searching round the world never knowing what to expect
I get sad YUP I BE MAD
Cause I'm out here on the grind making mine and I still can't seem to find
What I'm looking for, open so many doors
Forreal y'all...I JUST WANNA BE LOVED!

~Jill Scott

Thoughts

My English 533 professor told our class last quarter that most of the great writers were insomniacs. Well, hopefully the same is said about me oneday. Hopefully I will be the greatest.

I had a good conversation with Emeri and Elise today. I love when of conversations get religious and all the timidness falls away. Yahweh is amazing.

I am so over Maize and Blue that I am going to send him all of his so-called prized possesions. Back when we were dating he never had money. I would always buy him gifts, and since he could not return the favor he would give me game jerseys and championship rings. That meant a lot when I thought that I meant a lot, but now I know that I never did mean anything to him. That is fine, but it is nice to finally know the truth. I was going to post a lot more, but I think I am done for the night.

Forgiveness

Many things will make you cry, but most things aren't worth the stress.
A lot of so-called friends will disappoint; only a few will stand the test.
Even when life is at it's height in 60 seconds it can turn to mess.
Just drop to you knees where ever you stand and Yahweh will do the rest.
Enemies will scrap your surface, but the cut comes deepest from your BFF
All your stock will plummet as soon as you decide to invest
People will suck you dry until you have nothing left.
And when you need them the most-they'll laugh in your face at best.
Lovers will deceive you and lie to the death.
With 3 hail Marys and a priest in a booth, they still won't confess.
Then you get to the point where cold blood pumps through your chest.
But the best thing you could ever do is forgive and forget.

In The Case Of Love

Anything goes. There is no losing of pride, no limits or bounds. Getting on one's knees and sacrificying it all is a small price to pay to gain affection, but when one is left empty handed is there a such thing a recovery? I don't believe so. I had to so much to lose and I lost it all. That's how I feel everytime I think about my love life-or lack of rather. I gave so much and was handed shit in return. Now, when it's time to move on I can. Why? Maybe I am too scared. Maybe I am too scarred. Maybe I no longer have the ability to love. Maybe, I don't have enough money to put gas in my car and on this soft Wednesday evening when I could be in bible school getting reassurance I am instead at home making and tossing back cocktails. May it's because I was never good enough for the Jason Moores or Sean Coffeys or Terence Dials or Tyler Iboms. Maybe I'm not good enough for anyone. So, rather than have a man suffer through what is LINDSAY, Yahweh has decided to spare them all. I'll always be too dark, too short, too thick. It will always be a problem that it took me to get my degree 8 years instead of 8. My upbringing is fine, but growing up in East Cleveland will always raise an issue for someone. Not enough lovers or too many lovers? Too sensitive or as Romero once said not ladylike enough. Lindsay will never quite make the cut. Before, I coped with it, but now I don't knw how I feel anymore. It's just one of those nights. Depression mixed with liquor is a bitch... kind of like Black mixed with ugly. Or Black mixed with fat. Or the combination of all three. Stressed the fuck out right now. And through it all, all I can think about is if the longest sentence in this sentence is longer than 35 words. Because I'm an English major and no good sentence should be more than 35 words. Actually the best are only 25. And any number under 10 has to be spelled out. So if sentences were only good if they were nine words or less then I would always be spelling out nine intead of cutting to the chase and typing/writing 9. The rule of 9. It's the same in American Sign Language. Nine is that breaking point. So what does that mean? If nine the real perfect number instead of sever or eight? Or have I just had one too many? In the case of love there is no such thing as too many. OUT!

Standing On A Promise

Tonight just changed me. RIP to Mrs. Latimore. RIP to Aunt Pig. I loved them and they loved me. When they were here, I appreciated every moment we had together. Now, they are gone. Kiara is still here and I am praying for her. She is THE sweetest little baby.

Lucky Charms

Do you see my writing improving as type? I do! HA-HA! I've been revising my writing samples for McGraw-Hill all frickin' morning and I am starting to drive myself nuts. Checking grammar, referring to OSU's editorial style guide, and then referring to my business writing handbook is killing me softly. It's just all too much. I can not wait until the day comes when I just know all the rules and styles by heart. The day when this stuff is second nature is the day my happiness begins.

So, now I am taking a break, eating a bowl of Lucky Charms and trying not to spoil my appetite too much because I am taking Talon to First Watch for her birthday breakfast!

My life is so incredibly simple, yet complicated. I never know what's going to go wrong and more importantly I never know what's going to go right. For two weeks, my car has had Tourettes. I finally had it towed up to Midas and the mechanic told me my Catalytic converters are ALL bad? "$4200 worth of work" he said? Yeah right, does that guy think I was born yesterday? All I know is, I paid him $94 for the diagnostic test and somewhere in diagnosing the damn car-he got it to start. So, as far as I am concerned, Yahweh hooked me up and I will not worry about the thing until it won't start up again.

Yahweh always has a way of working things out. I am starting to get to the point where I don't stress myself out with worrying anymore. I just have to keep reminding myself, he creates the solution before he creates the problem. As soon as something starts going wrong, I just wait on it to go right. And when it doesn't go right at my comfort level, I look for the meaning. Men leaving, cars breaking down, and being broke are all symptoms. They are symptoms that Yahweh wants me to open my eyes about something.

Maybe my car broke down for two weeks because I needed to focus on these writing samples. If I had had transportation, I probably would have been out doing things that don't make sense rather than buckling down on my studies. So, now that I do have a car, instead of getting up on this Saturday morning and hitting the stores as they open, I am revising, and revising, and revising some more.

Maybe that's what life is all about, revisions. We need to change our lives for the better in the same way we revise a paper. Revise and revise and revise. And when we're sick of revising, give our eyes a rest, go to sleep, and wake-up the next morning to do it all over again. We'll never be perfect. And even when our family and friends recognize our improvements or just convince themselves that we are perfect all the way around, remember, just as someone writing in a different style will look at a paper and see errors that don't apply, there will always be those who have a different style and will dislike everything about our lives. Instead of catering to them, the people who hate you, continue on your path. Keep revising to fit the style that you're aiming for. One day, your papers will be made of Pulitzer material and your life will be made of happiness.

Good Will

Back up against the wall, all I know-to-do is attack.
Still, my back is up against the wall, so I can't look back.
NO REGRETS, there's a gift and a curse to every situation.
Either take a seat to defeat or use it as motivation.
No friends? Well that means no worrying about pulling a knife out of my spine.
No man? No need to worry about someone else having what's mine.
One can only go south so far before they end up-up north.
Instead of fighting, just realize that bad things must run their course.
When you're thirsty drink water, hungry eat bread.
Hurting? Accept love and let you're heart be fed.
We seem to put so much stock into our physical lives with no questions asked.
But when it comes to what really counts we are so quick to pass.
Pass on good love, pass on peace of mind.
We pass on the only things that are worth anything in life.
People are always going to look down on you, so let those people walk by.
And remember THEY are the ones with their heads down while your head is to the sky.
Optimism is good in theory, but realism is easier to practice and preach.
So practice being optimistic and go for what's in your reach.
And one day you won't have to worry about the glass being half empty
Because your cup will run over and your plate will be plenty.

Drawing a Blank

I didn't know why it was funny, but I laughed anyway.
I figured it was an inside joke; I'd find the path in eventually.
I didn't think the joke was on me, and couldn't see through the lies.
His smile was put on as a front, a mere disguise.
I confused the punishment with the prize, but things became clearer.
Made the near fatal mistake of writing it off as a rookie error.
Now, it's my mentality; my judgement is not exactly good.
Have the "coulda," and the "woulda" down packed, yet I never consider the should.
Could is the future; would is the past. Should is the here and now.
I let my present slip right by me while I'm hypnotized by his smile.
He has me so discombobulated; I have no clue where to turn.
Should I build a future with him, or should I let it burn?
Should I fight for him; is he something worth being earned?
Should I just K.I.M., and take this as a lesson learned?
Should I draw my gun and kill him where he stands?
Or, should I draw a blank and accept him as my man?

Don't Worry; Be Happy

With experience comes lessons learned. Though there are many times when one would like to say, "fuck a lesson," it's best to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move along. That's where I am right now. I can't really say I have any regrets, for I know Yahweh has this all mapped out, but there are so many times when I lose faith, feel down, give up. Instead, now, I am going to consciously keep faith, go hard, and stay determined.

Men come and go, and many of their leaving is accompanied by a sigh of relief. But, when you're an optimistic person like I am, you start to remember the past only fondly. You forget about the tears and only recall the smiles. Then out of no where, you find yourself wanting a dog back. I am learning, that even in the more strenuous situations, there is a breaking point. There is a point when you need to let someone go and stop making a fool of yourself. It's okay to be a sucker for love, it's okay to play the fool, it's okay to let go of pride- when and only when reciprocity is guaranteed. You never realize what you're giving up until you are left empty handed.

I refuse to be left empty handed again. There is no reason in putting stock into something, then when it is time for you to collect the interest- bailing. I'd rather be bailed out than to leave my earnings behind!

Success really is the best revenge. Never call, or text, or e-mail to let someone know how you're doing. Let them wonder how you're doing. And, if they never ask- you never mattered. And if you don't matter, why should they? It's a dog eat dog world and if you aren't FOR SELF, you will get run over. As for me and my house? I am going to switch lanes, I'll even turn off my headlights to lose someone tailing me. I'm going to speed through yellow lights. I'm going to cut people off and never look in my rear view mirror to see if I've caused an accident. On a suspended license, with a blood alcohol level two times the limit, I'm going to side swipe, rear end, broad side- WHATEVER TO GET TO MY DESTINATION! Straight Nascar, I refuse to be second. Whether my journey ends at the gas station reing up for another road trip or on a suicide high speed chase with the cops, I'm going to get there or die trying.

" 'Cause all I do is dress and rest, 'cause love don't live here anymore." ~Jessie Poetic Justice

Keep In Mind

Obedience is greater than sacrifice.

Peace

I don't know where I am in life anymore. I feel like I am at an in between stage. Night quite up, no quite down, but I'll be damned if I can this area neutral or LUKE WARM. I'm just in a place where equilibrium is off, but I can't say I'm unhappy. This are looking up. I am just ready to see where Yahweh is going to take me.

There are no prospects in my life, as of now. Yes, Alias is still stringing me along, and I have a couple fine brothers who I text and facebook with every now and again, but my heart isn't dropping the same way it use to. I guess, with Alias, this time around, this last delusional relationship has really drained me. In theory I want to be with someone, but I don't have the energy and at this point I am unwilling to make the time. I guess this is the best time to focus on class and school. This is the best time to put my best foot forward in other areas of my life. Graduation is 21 weeks away, and will be here before I know it. Then what? What will be my excuse? What will be holding me back from the real world? Nothing!

Glenn Johnson, I guy I met on the Internet nearly 10 years ago just published a book. I bought it and it just arrived today. I will hopefully read it in it's entirety tonight. I hope that A Thousand Chances will bring me some inspiration. I'm totally unmotivated and losing faith. I don't know why, but it's most likely because of the lack of progression over the last few months. I hope that Yahweh gets me on my game and brings some friends (no matter whether they're male or female) into my life that will shine light on me and my situations. I never want another Alias, not another Mustang aka Caddy, no more 5th Aves or Candle Lights, Big Times, Maize & Blues, Charge It To The Games, 4s, 1550s, Peter Pans, Polarises... basically, I don't want anymore men who don't know my worth, then their better than me, low down dog type niggas. I'm done with those kinds of men, if that mean me dating no more Black men- so be it. I never felt this way before, but the next White man to holler at me, I'm not turning him down. Maybe this is the way Yahweh wants it to be. I'm fine with that, I at peace.

Shame On Me

Since when is asking a woman to be your girlfriend not leading her on? Men get less and less creative with the conniving ways in which that DECIDE to be jerks, every f'n day. Less than a month ago I had a guy ask me to be his girlfriend, and now a mere two weeks later he is acting like he never led me on, and to think- I thought we had something? Well, apparently we did not have a thing going on- unbeknown to me. This time around, I can't even be mad at him. Some people are just incapable of being loved. It's a sad but true fact.

I am making a conscious decision from here on forth NOT to date men who didn't have their fathers in their lives growing up, because honestly- the records are showing that these types of men aren't men at all. They don't know how to even recognize a real woman, so it's impossible from them to know how to treat what they can't know. I am in no way going to date men who have mother issues. If all you can say about your mother is, she didn't want to have a boy, so she named me the first boy name in the baby book because she didn't care, than- you are definitely not the man for me!

I can't promise a lot, but I can promise this- I am finished. Men amuse me at this point. They are so fucking predictable. The same shit he was spitting in the summer of 2007 is the same shit he was texting me last night. He hasn't grown as a person at all! He hasn't evolved, progressed or matured. I can not associate with a person like that, and a man like that is not worthy of my friendship.

I need a person who is man enough to admit he likes me. He doesn't let his friends dictate how he moves. He doesn't let his pride get in the way of what could be the most important relationship of his adult life. I can't even play this like Disappear. I didn't miss any of the signs! I didn't skip a beat. AJ's laughter, Faith's jealousy. The over abundance of blatant disrespect (putting his friend's hand on my butt, really? I we 12 now?) I over looked at Icon that night. I saw it all coming. Was this a set up or was this a set up? Luckily, I was wise enough to call a spade a spade, or a dog a dog. I was wise enough to not let my guard down, I didn't even waste a kiss on him. I am lucky that I have hating ass bitches for friends, because all I lost was $50 on a dinner and couple nights worth of time. It could have been so much worse. Thank God, those hating ass friends led me away from the rest of the shit I was going to do. I am sooooo happy! Fool me once, shame on Mustang! Fool me twice, shame on Lindsay.

Friday Came and Went, Thank You Yahshua

Praying is so under- rated. Even when one doesn't pray out loud. Even when one is too embarrassed to even ask Yahweh for Mercy, he saves. Man, I am not even trying to be on a super religion "trip" but I feel like a new person. Friday came and went, and I was sweating bullets- shitting bricks. Saturday came, and I didn't know what to do, really I felt like killing myself. I wasted money, three times over, then went it hit the fan, Yahweh came through. Now, it's a soft Sunday evening and I am sitting here with a celebratory Raspberry Sorbeto Martini watching NCAA tournaments, with a night full of blogging ahead. YAY

THE

He was high, I was drunk.
Blame it on the weed or the vodka, but he fulfilled my wants.
But, I wish he would fulfill my needs.
Diamond with a platinum band, bend to one knee.
But the 4 lines above are just a day dream.
Things are not always what they seem.
People judge people instead of judging themselves.
Expiration dating, we're spoiled before we leave the shelf.
Spoiled when he's in his parents' house-
they told him he is too good for a girl this loud,
for a girl this dark, girl from the ghetto.
Little does he know that us together, I'd be the one to settle.
But he won't give it a chance, so I just stick to Facebook.
See if he has any new tagged pics that I can get a look.
Or I make my profile on myspace public and hope that he visits my page.
He once told me he reads this blog regularly, so I try to keep him engaged.
Then maybe THAT night will come when we're both in sync.
To high to resist, to drunk to think.

I Don't Know What To Think

I keep telling myself to be faithful and pray, but I am so nervous. It's crazy when you're fate is in the hands of another and you just have to wait for them to say yay or nay. This life changing decision, whether it be yay or nay has me going nuts. As if it's not enough to have this crazy tooth ache, finals weeks and start a new gig all in one week- I have this on my mind as well. I know at the end of the day Yahweh will take care of me. I guess that's more of a reason for me not to worry right now. But, every time I disobey him (even slightly) something like this happens. I sometimes wonder if it's punishment? I get myself into the darnedest situations... and just keep digging the ditch deeper.

If everything pans out the way I know it will (just fine), I am not going to make a lot of false promises to Yahweh. I will say, that I must ask him to bring me through everything and make me a better person. A lot of the bullshit I get myself into- I know is wrong. Even as I am doing it, I already feel regret and guilt, yet I can't help myself. All I can do is ask and hope that his will is my wish.

As of now, I am holding my breath and waiting for relief. I can not wait until Friday!

Just Pray

I had a conversation with Alias a few months back that has sparked a lot of thought since. I called him while I was home (Cleveland) and he didn't answer... which unfortunately is usually the case. I gave him a couple hours (then out of desperation) and I called again, this time he actually answered! He said that the first time I called he was praying and by the time he finished, it slipped his mind to call him back. At that point, in a somewhat offensive tone I blurted out, "you pray?" and he returned my nastiness by replying, "I Muslim aren't I!"

I try not be judgemental, but when people don't have the same thought process as I do, I tend to think of them as heathens, so it always surprises me when such people have strong religious beliefs.

I went over his house that night a few hours later. He was preparing to go to bed and I was preparing to "coincidentally" fall asleep and he spoke out a checklist the last item being, now I have to pray. At that moment I really started thinking about prayer.

According to some ministers at the IDMR, prayer doesn't change anything. I've always taken that statement with face value. I believe that Yahweh has everything preordained, and my little thoughts are not going to change anything, so why should I pray- has always been my logic. But then after seeing Alias' devotion to his religion, I started to reconsider. The first though that popped into my head is the fact that it's been said that prayer doesn't change anything, yet at the beginning of each and every session we have a prayer. With that being said I consulted my mother about the subject.

She quoted a scripture which I believe to be II Thes. 2:3 (but don't quote me on that, however I am 100% sure it's in one of the Thessalonians) Pray without ceasing. She then went on to explain to simply, prayer does not change anything. But, if you prayer, and you're prayer comes to pass 1, whatever you prayed about must have already been in Yahweh purpose, pattern, and plan and 2 it must have also been in his purpose that you would pray to ask for those things... I just never thought of it that way.

After we had that conversation, I began ATTEMPTING to pray on the daily basis. It is a hard things to implement after years of absence. One night, I was so heavily laden with stress that I spoke to Yahweh out loud and I really felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Right now, I am really worried about a close friend. She just found out she is pregnant. When friends have babies, it always seems like out friendship ends. I guess I am kind of worried about myself too, all I can do is pray. Sometimes all one can do is let go and let Yah! I looked up the definition for pray and it said the following,

to offer devout petition, praise, thanks, etc

It seems most people pray to ask for something. The funny thing is, while prayer does help us to keep our sanity, prayer is all about Him. I don't know where this life is leading me, but I just want to be happy. I want my family to be in good health physically and most importantly spiritually. I want to meet a man who loves me and I him equally, because I am sick of situations like Alias where they mean everything and I nothing. I want to finish school and hopefully post grad as well. Ultimately, I want Yahweh to be pleased with my whole life and who I am. I believe that this all will come to pass, Halleluyah!

"The name shall endure forever. The name shall continue as long as the sun will. Men shall be blessed in him. All nations shall call him blessed. In your name, I pray."

~Beyonce, Jay- Z Pray

Somethings Just Aren't Meant To Be

There will always be those women who are prettier and put together better than I am and there will always be those men who follow them. Those men usually think that a girl like me isn't good enough, but that's not true. In reality, I am good enough, maybe even better, but so many times my confidence is so weak that I only allow myself to see a delusion as reality.

No one is prettier than the next person. Contrary to the quite disturbing blog post Darryl Dunning insisted I read early this morning (3am), light skin has nothing to do with it. (Side note: Darryl has to be the biggest idiot I have ever met since living in Columbus!) Body type also has nothing to do with it. The amount of degrees (or lack of for that matter) all have nothing to do with how beautiful a person is. Just like any lottery winner will confess, it's all about consistency and being in the right place at the right time.

I am a firm believer in predestination. Every second is accounted for and though I sometimes entertain the thought, there is no such thing as coincidence. Everything is about fate. If I happen to have a clear mind on a pretty day and run into a man who also is light on his feet at that same time, it will be love at first sight. But, if I were to meet that same man the day before and it was raining, or I someone has just cut me off in traffic earlier or he has just lost a bet on the Cavs... we might not have even noticed one another.

I've noticed plenty of men. Many of them have gone on to play at the professional level, some have received multiple degrees and lots of them are now loving husbands and devoted fathers(basically, they're all successful). My judgement is not bad, it never was and never will be. For some reason, what people think of me has always been far from the truth. Ugly, conceited, ungrateful, mean... these are all terms I've heard more than once, but never once have I looked at myself that way. I guess I'm just happy with the life that Yahweh has given me. I'm not light skinned and my hair isn't down my back, but I have a nice figure and a beautiful smile. There is always give and take, no one has everything... except for those who are smart enough to realize that what they have been given is divine.

So, just as every moments is planned, that is true of the way I look and the way I act. My life has already been written, I just haven't read the script in it's entirety yet. The men who I like, and have tried to be with, that don't show mutual feelings are just going to have to be a part of my past, because I am sick of playing the fool. If I am not good enough? I guess that's just the way it's going to have to be. What's meant to happen will happen.

Frontin' (A Poem I Just Wrote A Couple Of Minutes Ago)

"Out of sight out of mind"- sounds good in theory
But if you could live inside my mind and witness the thoughts I'm hearing
If you could live inside my heart, you'd have company because that's where he resides
But if you could mimic the face that underneath my feelings hide
you'd win an Oscar, you'd win at poker, you'd be the best model for sculptors
The stories I pretend don't exist would win Pulitzers for authors
Win innocent verdicts for the guilty without representation
Have a man believing, "You are the father" without having had relations

It's really, "out of sight so I won't talk about it," now it's bottled up and I'm weary
And my playing like I have allergies every time your name comes up and my eyes get teary
Or laughing out loud while I'm falling apart inside
Wishing that instead of bottling up my pride wouldn't stand in the way of letting me confide
Like Writer's block hates on my Faulkner
Stunts my young Alice Walker
The life in my poems is killed by emasculation
The stories of my life ended by political assassinations

Just Trying To Keep My Head Above h2o

Every time I tell someone I can't swim, the first thing they ask me is, "well, can't you at least float," and of course I tell them, "hell naw!"



I have had many frustrations in recent months, or years rather but today, for the first time in a long time I am finally realizing a way to cope with it all. Instead of obsessing over the past, I am going to move on.



There are so many guys I have given affection to tirelessly and finally, I am tired of it. It's crazy how judgemental Black men and more specifically educated Black men have become in these latter days. Many of them walk around with a chip on their shoulders feeling that they are too good for me. Am I not worthy? Even if I weren't, I don't think it's fair for people to judge before they even get a chance to really know me. One can see someone in a club, or even GO to the club with someone and know nothing of their character! One can even call someone their closest friend, but just because someone is their for you, does not mean they count on you to be there for them...



Out of all the people I have befriended over the years, I can not say with confidence that I trust more than two of them. Out of all the people that may have judged me, thought they knew me, etc. I can honestly say none of them were any the wiser...



Erin and I had a conversation yesterday about our childhood. I guess because she and Antone are considering marriage, she decided to tell him a few things about how we grew up. After telling him a few vague details, Antone told her that a lot of things that confused him about her personality now all make sense. That same Ah ha moment came with Emeri of Elise years ago, and I hope that one day I will meet a man who I can tell a few secrets to as well- without having to brace myself for judgement.



From the outside looking in it might seem that my life is really sad, bitter, or unsuccessful, but I have come a long way. East Cleveland. Enough said. My friend Donte says that I complain too much? He says there are some people out there who don't even have a pot to piss in. I replied, really? Funny choice of words!



If I were to tell you a story, you wouldn't even believe me. I know you wouldn't, because I lived it and sometimes- I just can't believe that all the stuff that happened to me- really happened. At this point it's not even the event itself but the memory of it. That's why many times it's best to move on and let shit go, because if you don't, you'll drown in your sorrow and pain. So, while I physically don't know how to swim, figuratively I'm afloat and breathing easy.

Love People MORE Than People Hate Me

This was my new years resolution in 2008. I don't know how well that went, but I need to start applying it to my everyday life. Being positive, steering away from being condescending and trying to have a positive impact on the world is my goal. I want to make a difference in this world.

So, I have been thinking long and hard about an idea I got about six months ago. I want to start a website. I am not going to disclose all the details so early- but once the project comes to fruition there will be no worries and I can finally talk about it on here. I just want to find a way to reach people, change lives and prosper as an individual.


I am not too sure what is going on in my life anymore. I am doing well in school, and somehow Yahweh is providing financially for me, but I have so much emptiness in my heart. I guess I am kind of scared that I will never talk to Alias again. I also found out that Maize & Blue's "wife" is having twins and he just signed a $1.45 million contract... it could have been me! These men in my past life, I hope they are really happy, because if they aren't- they could have had a woman in their life that would have done anything! There is no limit to what I would have done to make Maize & Blue happy. I am just sick and tired of being the one ALWAYS giving. I am SOOOO tired!

Buying gifts, giving advice, lending a shoulder, it never ends. I am always on the other end of good things. I am always the one who is devoting time and effort to others and I am so upset that when I need support I can never find a soul to reciprocate. I could sit her and blame it on everyone else, but I know it's me. I know I have problems, I know I have issues... I just can't figure out how to sort them out. I love buying gifts, giving advice and lending my shoulder. I don't want to get to the point, and be so upset with counterparts that I start resenting my own good heart. When bitches mean mug me, I want to smile at them in return and have them wondering why they don't like me. When men do me dirty, I want to treat them like Kings and hopefully awaken awareness in them on how to treat a woman, so that maybe they can treat the next lady better. I just want to make a difference, but I am really running out of energy!

Disappear

"When I think about it, I know that I was never there, or even cared.
The more I think about it, the less that I was able to share- with you.
I try to reach you- I, can almost feel you, you're nearly hear... and then
You disappear...

I missed ALL THE SIGNS, one at a time- you were ready." Beyonce Disappear

I love this song, but every time I listen to it- it makes me think of him. By the time the chorus drops, I am in tears. It never fails, especially on nights like this when I've already been drinking. Songs are so ironic. Sometimes they're so vague that it seems that anyone within ear shot could relate. But every once in a while, there comes along a song like this one that makes me think Beyonce's writers are sitting on a stool sitting inside my mind.

Every time I think about our relationship, I see soooo clearly that he never gave a fuck about me. I think about how much I was going through back then (which is still to blame for my unhappiness now) and I think about nights I spent crying myself to sleep. Now, when cry myself to sleep, I wish I had a friend or a boyfriend to vent to, but even when I did- I never told him shit. I couldn't trust him enough to tell him anything.

I could put this song on repeat and never tire of it. Word for word, the story of my life... or my relationships at least.


"And she claim she only with me for the currency. YOU CUT ME DEEP BITCH, CUT ME LIKE A SURGERY!" ~Kanye West Bitter Sweet

Ready For The World

I'm bored with transition. I just want to graduate, get a decent job, find a man who I adore and in turn sincerely loves me and be happy. I don't need to be rich. I don't HAVE to go to grad or law school. I don't even prefer a man who is drop dead gorgeous & fit. I just want a respectable nice looking young man who is confident and inspiring.

I have been through a lot in life, much of which I have not included in this blog, but I realize that the major events of my life have yet to come. I haven't yet graduated. I haven't yet been married. I haven't yet had a child. I haven't yet become aware of the spirit. Only two of the four have been promised to me, but I can't help but feel optimistic about the other two as if they had been promised to me as well. That sad truth is, I am so impatient that I'd rather suffer than wait on the good things that are sure to come to me...

Rather than wait on a good man, I continue to waste my time and worth with men who are beneath me! Drug dealers, cheaters, dogs and such are the types of men I should be steering clear of. These are the exact types of people who will end up ruining my life. I must admit that I am quite lucky that I haven't gotten caught up yet! I am not ungrateful though- I do have enough sense to count my blessings. Though I am deeply in like (maybe even love) with Alias, he continues to shake me off. I guess he's just not that into me, lol. But honestly, I hope that he strings me along just long enough for me to get the hell out of Ohio.

It's funny, that EVEN knowing all this, if given the chance I would bow at that man's feet. But in reality I know that he is just a distraction. Yahweh created our relationship, he made me fall, he made me want this man with so much passion so that I can don't think of any other man. Yahweh set it up so that he is in Cleveland and I am stuck here. He set it up for Alias not to realize what a great woman I am. I truly believe he did all of this so that during these next six months I will be too preoccupied to get in trouble with any OTHER men. If that isn't the reason for Alias and I, I am not sooner convinced that I am Caucasian.

Either way, I just am ready for my life to make some major turns. I just want to make someone happy. I just want to be happy.

Thank Yahweh for March 18, 1974

Death by fire is my worse fear, setting Yahweh aside,
But I'd walk through fire if ever you were on the other side.
I just want to lay close to you, bury my face in your chest,
Feel the pressure of your chin on the top my head- the mist from your breathe.
Have your snoring wake me up in the middle of the night from that real deep sleep,
So I can turn over and watch you dreaming right beside me.
Because I can keep my eyes open and as long as you're there it's still a dream.
Words can not express just how much you mean...
Words can not express how deep I am, that's why I never say, "I love you."
Those words do no justice for what I feel for you.
Everything I say is so sincere, ask the Bailiff if I've been sworn,
Even if it ends bless the day I met you- bless the day you were born.

~Alias

Too Much On My Mind

A lot has gone down in this last month. Everything is on the up and up, or atleast that is the way I like to view things. I finally got my computer fixed and high speed internet for the first time in history... so hopefully I will be able to start writing in the blog with the frequency that I did 2-3 years ago.

I am starting to buckle down on what is important in life. I need to stay out of the club and limit my drinking- if not eliminate it all together. My eating habits are better now a days, but I definitely need to impliment a work out plan ASAP.

Where relationship are involved I am on the fence. I don't know whether I should run or stay for awhile. Alias is Alias as usual. Unfortunately, nothing has changed there. I know what I need to do; I need to move on. Then there is The Forgiver, I don't know what to say about him. One day we're up the next day we're down. I either need stability, or I need to move on from both of these men. I am really considering Grad. School & if I got through with it, I can not be distracted by the trivial games men tend to play. Lindsay is all work no play. I am needing to grab an internship, a job and a plan for my future.

I may never find a real relation, get married or even fall in love. I may never have babies. I am starting to realize the things that I looked forward to are not promised and the way my life is going I will not be able to depend on them happening, so I have to depend on something else; myself. There is probably never going to be a financially stable man to couple with me and make me a better woman. Most men are equally paper chasers/ gold diggers as women are now-a-days so I have to concluded that I must prepare myself for buying a home, a car and paying off these student loans by the time I am 30. I am going to have to make sure I do what is right now, while I am 25, to prepare myself for my future. Many times- I can not even even count on a man to send me a pic on the phone!

ALIas

People have aliases for many different reasons. The most obvious reason being that they're trying to hide something. I'm sad to say that I am just now realizing that the person I thought I knew, the person I feel I am falling in love with is hiding who he really is from me. I am not sure why he is doing and I am not sure why I even care anymore, but I can't help it. I can't help the calling. I can't help the intent of me driving to Cleveland. I am finding myself doing all this dumb shit and I have no justification because it seems these feelings are one sided. Hopefully he will shape up or I will fall off. I can't do this anymore.

Fools Rush In- Another Poem I Wrote

I like to think that I'm a smart girl- but, not exactly vain
Yet, I find myself doing a lot of silly things that I justify in Love's name
And I listen to John Legend everyday so I understand, "Love Me Quickly"
I guess that's why I text, "I miss you!" so much, in the hopes that you miss me
But how could you miss something you don't care about? I know, it's the sad truth
And how can I claim to love something when I don't have any proof?...
I can't plead my case, yet I'm still guilty until all is proven
And we're way pass, "Hi!" so my chances are already ruined
Somehow there are still these equations I wish you would solve
What do I have to do to make you want to get involved?
What words do I have to spit to make you want to call?
What I got to do to get in your heart is what I need to know, above all?
I don't know where it is you're going, all I know is that I want to follow
Everybody has a yesterday, but not everyone has a tomorrow
I guess that's why I have a sense of urgency- always on my toes
There could be better men- but I don't want to know
And even if I did, they wouldn't even matter
You're all I see, you're the one I'd rather...
be with. But feelings aren't mutual and it's so depressing
Still I don't want to give up and let it go- I ain't tryna turn this into a lesson
Tryna turn it into forever- you're thinking more like never- compromise for right now
I pray you could be the one to "stand still" with me for a while
I can't force you to love BUT I can hate to think of us as just friends
Guess I'm not so smart after all, because fools rush in

Alias 11-11-08

A New Poem Of Mines I'm FEELINGS!

The most dangerous thing on Earth you could do is wear your heart on your sleeve
It's like handing out loyalty in a room full of thieves
Or bringing your luxury car to the ghetto and leaving the keys... in the ignition
Once you've given your heart away, it comes back in terrible condition
People don't care anymore, so it's hard to convince them you're sincere
And it's hard to take any words spoken to you and hold them dear
So if you are that last good lover you become a hypocrite
And expect someone to put up with you when you're not willing to put up with their shit?
Getting no where fast someone throws in the towel
Unwilling to sacrifice the time it takes to learn someone, no one stays for a while
And we don't even consider the time that we've already invested
Nothing is worthy without challenge- yet we leave the first sign of being tested
If at anytime that person made an impression, there presence will always stand
It might creep out of your heart in the middle of an argument with another man
Because love is like a computer; there is always a hard drive recording
And the things you put in the trash can... pops up in the "mourning"
You can't just throw love away if it meant something to at least one of the parties
Closure will never be conceivable- it's not a gift of parting
So if you're not ready to endure pain- never accept the pleasure
Because the bad times will have you bitterly remembering the good times forever
Take care of yourself on every level that could ever matter
The future is determined by what is done now and all that counts is the latter
If you wanna play buy a video game, if you wanna pretend be an actor
But to play with someone Else's heart, then to pretend that they aren't a factor?
DANGEROUS game to play... yet and still it is not the most dangerous thing on Earth
The most dangerous thing to do is give your heart away to them first.

Written 11-11-08

Darn I've Been Gone For A While

So Lindsay's Lil' Lady (my computer) has Tourettes! I guess that partially the reason I've stayed away so long. The other factor to blame is stress! I've never been so stressed in my adult life. I mean, my hair has been falling out, skipping periods... just the weirdest shit ever. But, things are on their way back up.... I hope. Well, I am in this damn computer lab and I have to pee SOOOOOO bad, so this will have to be a little short, but I am am going to add a couple of poems I wrote...

Sitting Here Thinking

Ice VIP 8-31-08

I have absolutely nothing to do. I guess that means that I should be writing, but I have no inspiration. School has been out for two weeks and I have a little over 3 weeks before autumn quarter starts, but I've been super idle. Well, I have picked up a few books. Just last week I read "Leslie," "Sweet St. Louis," (which made me think of Bradley) and "The Last Street Novel." But I am still super bored (no offense to Mr. Tyree).

Upside down at Ice 8-31-08

I went out a couple of time this last weekend. The first night was a bust, but the second night was eventful. I have been pursuing this guy I've seen out over the last year or so. I always thought he was nice looks and he seems to be my type, but I never thought to ask him out. Anyhow, Sala and I went to Bon Vie a few weeks ago and after we finished eating, we did a little window shopping around Easton. When we came out of Aldo, I saw him. I immediately told her to peep him and he smiled at us as we walked past one another. Sala then told me that I should ask for his number if we ran into him again while in the mall- which of course we did... but I punked. From that night I decided that I wasn't going to go out until First Fridays this coming weekend because I knew he was going to be there. I didn't stick to my word because there were a ton of White Parties going on for Labor Day and you know how I feel about wearing white. I went to Cove Saturday (though Sala and I never made it in) and Ice & Cove... I mean ICON on Saturday. Sunday night went pretty good because AJ let Allaina and I skip the line at Ice but once we got inside we were damn near the only ones there. We asked if we could come back and went to Icon. When we got to Icon my Samuel happened to be sitting outside and he let us in for free. We stayed there shortly and went back to Ice.

In my apt. 8-30-08

I saw quite a few Delphi-ites at Ice. Darry (whom I actually spoke to AND hugged, lol), along with Trent, Daniel and EVEN Quanus. Allaina and I sneaked into the CLOSED front VIP section so that we could take some pretty pics. After an hour of sheer boredom we went decided to hit Icon again. This time it wasn't so easy getting back in b/c Sam left and Wali was no where to be found... but the ever so friendly bouncers let us back in after we chatter for 5 minutes or so. As soon as I walked in I saw him.

Allaina & I Ice VIP 8-31-08

After shenaniganning around for about 30 mins I finally mustered up the guts to approach him. I introduced myself and was about 2 questions in (his name is Shawn and he is 30) when I realized he had a slight accent, so I asked where he is from. He immediately put up his fist and said, "The mother land..." but I think he then read the disgust on my face. I know it is really wrong and racist, but anyone who knows me well know I don't fuck with the Africans. I was so fricking disappointed. Weeks of swooning over this guys went down the drain in vain in 30 seconds flat. I did get his number just for shits and giggles (as Reese would say), but I am not sure what I am going to do.

Mister Nice Guy & I walking outside of Icon

Last night I finally talked to Sala last night and told her how I FINALLY saw her... but then I had to break the news to her. When I said, he is African the pitch of her laughter almost deafened me! We both share the same views on African men (after crazy experiences), but she told me I should give it a chance.

Under the pic I painted

So, now that I am sitting in my apartment alone I am starting to think, why am I passing up (what could be) a good man because of where his mother birthed him? So... maybe I will give it a try and call him a little later... you never know.

Healing

I talked to Erin after class on Wednesday. I told her that I thought I would feel better after Mook's funeral, but I feel worse. She told me to take it easy and explained that I probably just need some time to heal. It's funny that one can get burned, cut, or injured physically and recognize that it will take time to get better But then when confronted with spiritual ailments it is so easy to forget that healing applies there as well. Emotional bruises run deep, so it is only natural that I am still hurting.

These last couple of years has taught we so much about life. The things we do while we are here will determine the things we are privileged to when we leave this Earth. There is no physical thing that is worth the loss of a soul. I am trying real hard to let go of the negativity in my past. If someone hurt me, it was Yahweh putting them up to it, so instead of bitching about what they had no control of, I am starting to search for a meaning in my pain. What is it that Yahweh wants me to see?

I was talking to an old friend from high school the other night and out of the blue he tells me that Charger It To The Game to him to tell me, "hi." That shocked me. It is as if he is taunting me. When I write him an e-mail, he doesn't reply. When I requested him on Facebook and Myspace he didn't acknowledge me. Once he finds that I am still keeping in tough with a friend that he is keeping in touch with also, he decides to play telephone and send me a message? I am not sure what was behind that, but I am starting to realize that maybe he was never my friend. Those 14 years that I fought so hard over for the last 7 years were not what I thought they were. He, so easily walked away from a friendship with a person who held him in the highest esteem... that simply means he didn't need our friendship. I needed his. It feels so good to use past tense. Nothing is forever, no matter how hard I try to convince myself. It hurt me so much when he walked out of my life but I can finally say, I am healing. I won't lie and say that he is completely out of my system, but I do realize that maybe all of which I thought I knew about him is a lie. Admitting that there is a problem is the first step.

Whatever I have to sacrifice to have self worth... I am welling to let it go. They say, "Go hard or go home." Well, I go hard and I love harder. Nothing else matters in my life right now aside from the ones I love and the ones who really love me.

Scared...

Mook's death is making me so uneasy. A week ago, at this very moment he was still alive. I don't think I'll ever forget the phone call I received last Tuesday @ 10:30 pm telling me that he died. I didn't sleep that night. I didn't sleep last night either. I don't know if it's because his death is so heavy on my heart or because it was the day of the funeral. Mook didn't even look like himself, he really looked DEAD- which seems like a dumb statement, but that funeral home did not do a good job on his body. It was the saddest funeral I've ever been to and I can't help but cry right now thinking about the testimony of the young boy. I remember last summer Mook telling me that he fathers a lot of children. Of course he has Malaya, but he told me how he provides for so many young brothers around his neighborhood who have never met their real fathers. When that boy got up yesterday, all he could say is, "Man, that's my dad. I mean I got a dad. My dad was in jail most of my life and that's my father but, Mook was my dad. He was a dad to us. He did everything for us and I will never have that again. Man, that's my dad!" Hearing that just broke my heart.
Anyhow, every 15 minutes I am thinking about Mook and some memory of him. I remember when he first came to Versamount's line last summer. He came around the time Jimeka was hating on me and I fell out with her and Darry. After that, Miss Val and Angel started acting funny and when Angel left our line and Mook came, Miss Val asked to switch places on the line so that she didn't have to work next to me... and at the time I was pissed, but if she hadn't have done that, I would have never gotten the chance to know Mook. I remember the first real conversation we had. Everyone was wondering about the scare on his hairline, but no one (except me) was bold enough to ask him. He then told me that he'd been shot in the head and he went on to tell me the whole crazy story. That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
I remember Mook's first week he wore nothing but Dickies, so behind his back I gave him the nicknames "Yay E Yay, " and "West Siiiiide!" Sala, Baron and I would clown his Dickies on the low. It wasn't until the day he was laid off after we'd all exchanged hugs and numbers that he walked off and screamed back at us, "West Siiiide!" We hadn't realized but, the whole time he knew we were talking about him. We all look at each other and busted out in laughter.
I remember talking about Chipotle; what we take on our burritos and how frequently we ate there. Mook told Sala and I about one time when he ate two burritos in one day (which I can not fathom because I can barely eat one burrito without feeling the urge to vomit). I remember Mook and Baron teaming up on me all the time, and one time in particular they argued to the death that Beyonce was not the leading lady in Case's video for Happily Ever After. I bet the both of them... I youtubed the video that same night and recorded it on my camera phone. I will never forget the look on Mook's face when he lost the bet and had to buy me BW3 for lunch... and Baron bought me Grinders the next day, lol.

I keep thinking about him asking for advice about the situation with his jump off being pregnant. He told me about how the jump off enrolled her son in the same daycare Malaya is in and that's how his wifey found out about the pregnancy. And unlike most men I know, he made the comment that he still had love for the girl and that he is really close with her 3 years old son. He even said, "I mean, I seriously doubt the baby is mine, but I will give her money to take care of it regardless." That showed how much of a stand up guy he was. He also confessed that is was stupid of him to cheat on his girl and that he loved her and had plans to marry her soon. I keep thinking about how he was supposed to come over for dinner once we found out we shared a love for Margarita Pizza. I also remember his second day when he didn't being his lunch and I shared the chili Erin made with him. I remember him telling me about his old school and other cars, the way he"stepped out" when he rarely hit the club.

Mook's funeral really was crazy. I have never seen so many grown men crying... many of which I know (it's a small world). Me and Sala were so confused when the funeral procession drove WAY from the far east side to Brittany Hills neighborhood. That was some straight Notorious BIG stuff how they drove the hearse through Mook's hood one more time. I have never seen that done before.

Mook,

You were my wing man on the line. You were SO silly, you kept it real on a level that I have never before or since seen a Columbus nigga do. You were a wonderful father to your daughter and even bigger Dad to countless fatherless children in CO. You were a very sweet guy that did not deserve the hand he was dealt and I will never forget you. You are more than my friend, you are my brother... you are my angel. I will never forget the last time I saw you (at Ice) and I will never forget the first time I saw you (at Delphi). It was a pleasure having met your acquaintance, I love you homie.

Rest In Peace Jesse "MOOK" Lanier July 8, 1977 ~ August 19, 2008

Sick

I met Mook a year ago and I never thought I would be saying goodbye so soon. My Mook-a-licious is gone, and I'm not doing well. Today was his funeral and I thought I would feel better afterward but I feel worse. He was such a good man. I can't really concentrate right now, so I will write something more a little later.

Masochism

I e-mailed him on Myspace. I couldn't help it even though it was two weeks after the fact. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself... dragging my heart through the mud- it's been seven years.

It took him a couple days to read my message and a couple more to reply, but he did reply... out of politeness. I have to give him that much credit, he never gave me the courtesy of knowing why he ended our friendship, but over the years he has been very forth giving with the "Thanks yous." Unfortunately, there are not enough thank- yous in the world that will ever amount to what his friendship meant to me. I've been going over and over what I could have possibly done wrong and I can't figure it out. He was my air. A person who wishes to live... there is nothing they won't do to inhale.

Charge It To The Game is the reason for Maize & Blue. He is the reason for 5th Ave, Polaris, Boston, Big Time, Aby, and Alias. He is not money but he is the root of all evil... to all the things and men that have gone wrong in my life over the past 7 years. It's hard to admit, but Charge It To The Game is the reason for 1550, 50, and Cope as well. He is the first to all my seconds.

I will NEVER love another human being the way I love Charge It To The Game. There is a certain portion of my heart that will always be reserved for him... that will always beat for him... correction... that DID beat for him. When he walked out of my life, a part of me died. They say, "You don't know a good thing 'til it's gone," but that's a lie. I knew all along. I have always known his worth... ALWAYS!

Anyhow, I am sitting here @ 1 am writing in this bullshit blog about a man who doesn't care about me at all. Ironic and funnily, he still means the world to me. I know the outcome of every e-mail, every friend request... every everything, yet- I keep trying. Why? I am crazy I guess. Self infliction is the worse pain.

The Takeover

As I did a bit of deep thinking yesterday afternoon, I realized that I do not have control over my life. I am always wondering what my mother would say if she found out I did this, or what kind of car should I buy so that my father will approve. It's a bit exhausting. I am an adult and I finally need to move forward in the direction I want to take me life.

As of late I have also been thinking about the men in my life both past and present... and more than anyone I am thinking of the men who would never give me a chance. Right now, I want to do whatever I have to do to make sure that they look back in regret.

I let Alias go. I am starting to think the whole relationship with him was a waste of my time. It's funny how blind one can be when they are in the midst of something. You don't recognize when someone is playing you for a fool. Being naive is the worse state to be in... or maybe it's a close second to denial. Here lately it seems like I have been going through both. Leading MYSELF on! But I promise, I will never do this to myself again. I'd rather be alone than to go through heart break again. It's imperative for my to focus right now anyhow.

Kicking bad habit it ALL I'm about right now. Bad eating habits and bad habits when it comes to men. I never date men who are out of my league, I date men who are attainable. I need to find someone is so big, so great that he could takeover the world, or at least take over my heart and make me believe again after all the bullshit I've been through...

Conscious

As I sit here on a lonely Friday night drinking Chocolate Martini #3, I wonder why I am not tipsy yet? I am so conscious of my surroundings. I just had one of the most stimulating conversations of my life with friend and great intellectual Wali. He, as am I, is poet and aspiring writer. We spoke a lot about consistency where writing is concerned and I realized that I haven't written in this blog in nearly a month- so here it goes.

Not much had been going on, just school and the inevitable job search I knew was coming. Unemployment has yet to file an extension on my funds and Delphi's TRA program denied me, so I am left to... WORK! I have an interview with Citi Card on Tuesday night, which might turn out to be for the best. No one likes a sitting duck, so maybe getting a job is the best thing for me to do at this point.

The occurrences of this week passed is making me realize that everything happens for a reason. Nothing is left to chance. Yahweh has a predetermined plan that is playing our right in front of our eyes- whether we acknowledge it or not! Lisa played me out on Friday- for the millionth and last time! I finally realize that dirty individuals have no place in my life. We were supposed to go to Donte Whitner's birthday bash in Cleveland, which I had to pull strings to get us into, then the bitch cancels on my like she always does. It's not even the fact that she cancelled on me, but it's the fact that she made up a bogus lie about having a flat tire. Be a woman, it's not that hard! Faking your whole like is not healthy! Lisa is a cool person, don't get me wrong, but I am starting to realize that I can not expect a person to have respect for me when they don't even have respect for them self. Honestly, I don't have respect for her at all, so how could I possibly be so self absorbed to think she would give me the courtesy? She is a 24 year old girl. She is a mother by default and stays with a niggas who blatantly disrespects her and cares nothing about her. She claims to have so much love for her son, yet, every chance she gets she is at the club?!?! Don't misunderstand, I can't judge her by any means- I just now realize that people will only be what Yahweh made them to be. If a person has never had a real friend, if a person has never experienced real love... how can we ask that of them?

By missing out on Donte's party I ended up going out Friday night to see Sam at the bar. I think that he has feelings for me, but it also seems like he is so stuck on not moving forward that we will never get past the proverbial hi- drink- bye denominator. It kind of sucks because he is a really handsome business minded individual who I think could teach me a lot, and in turn- I know I could show him new things. But, what's meant to be will be.

Another result of me not being in Cleveland on Friday meant that I was in Columbus on Saturday and available to go out on the town. What's funny about my recent hiatus from this Blogger is the fact that I have forgotten many of my blog "code names." Anyhow, I was so thirsty to go out Saturday night, but no one was down. But after Erin left from having dinner at my apartment, I wound down with my bootleg Sex and The City The Movie DVD and Mykl called. He said he could get us in at the Mid Month Mixer, so I promptly hopped in the shower and went to his house. He, Donny and I arrived a little after one, and I had what I will describe as the time of my life. Last Thursday I did a random visit to a White salon and got my hair cut and dyed, and I had on my favorite pair of Betsey Johnson's, so I was good to go. I saw a lot of old familiar faces, one of which I still hold dear to my heart...

Well, I know he has a blog code name which I have since forgotten, so he is therefore going to remain nameless. Since leaving home in 2001 I always have this sense of displacement... For instance, I will see someone is Cleveland that looks just like someone I know from Columbus or vice versa. Anyhow, I decided to break free from Mykl and Donny and went solo. As I walked through Karma I looked up, and saw his face... that beautiful face. With my new hair cut he obviously did not recognize me, but neither did I him. I initially thought to myself, "he looks just like _ _ _ _ _!" But then I rationalized, "he is in Cleveland," but as I looked closer, it was HIM :-) HIM! So, I approached his table, we hugged, and I decided to keep it moving. Why cry over spilled milk? He never would give me a chance anyway!

Well, after the night was over and the club scene was filing out, again, we ran into one another. We conversed for a hot second, but our conversation was interrupted when he was involved in a little altercation- so the talk ended. He seemed so interested, but I think it was the Goose. Why are men so forward with their feelings when liquor is factored into the situation? Sheesh, I am on Chocolate Martini #4 and my feelings have never been so lucid. Not just by the fact that I've been snapped back into reality by the sounds of my neighbor getting beat up by her boyfriend, but just in general I am still so conscious about what I feel.

I feel alone. There is never anyone to talk to. I feel elated that I have made it this far in life without a major break down. I feel grateful that Yahweh has kept me in the midst of it all. I am so conscious of my feelings. I feel heartbroken, because once again I prematurely gave my heart to a man, Alias, who does not give a damn about me... just like Charge It To The Game, just like Big Time, just like Aby, just like Polaris, just like... THEM ALL. Fake friends are worse than real enemies. I just want to be happy. No, that is a lie! I want to be happy and be conscious of the fact that I am happy. Sometimes, you feel a way and you aren't aware of it until it's passed. I want to know, I want to know now!

Uncertainty

It's crazy when you're so certain about what feelings you have for a person, but then what they feel is so frickin' vague. This shit is driving me crazy! I am just walking the line on uncertain grounds. But it feels good to have feelings for someone again.

Love Is Crazy

I've never been IN love. I have loved really deeply and at times, too hard, but I can never remember being IN actual love... I kind of think that's what is missing from my life. A real companion; someone who has struck a feeling in me that is foreign... an untapped resource. The state of being IN!

I'm sitting here in my apartment alone. The only phone calls I received today were about business; not ONE personal phone call- not ONE personal text! My day consisted of going to class and leaving the house only once more for food. I'd say my life is becoming tragic. Even so, I could have received a million calls and texts. but if they weren't from the one man I'm thinking of, I would have felt just the same. It's starting to make me wonder if I am indeed IN love?

In previous posts I refrained from giving this man an official code name, but I am pretty sure he is concrete in my life right now, so I will... Alias.

The first time I went to visit Alias, the first thought that came to my mind is I'm never coming to see him again. In the light of day, he looked old and ummmm unattractive. But now, he is so beautiful to me. I really don't see how I couldn't recognize how cute he was before. Even his flaws, they're like- the best part of him. And the rest of his is wonderful as well. His skin. His smile. His walk. They're all amazing. And for all who know me slightly, I HATE KISSING, but his lips changed me. His conversation- he actually talks about himself, he's not all super secretive, I don't have to beat him to uncover information, when I ask, he tells. I am not going to lie and say that he offers up every detail on a platter, but he's never made me feel like I was being a FBI agent.

A week after I met him, he came to visit me down in Columbus. When I asked Romero (a fool I have known damn near my ENTIRE life) to visit, it was like I had to beg, it was like he was doing me a favor, but Alias called ME! He suggested coming to see ME! He came to be with ME! There was nothing else. We saw a movie, we ate and we laid- and the next morning, I didn't want to see him go. And the next night, I didn't want to change my sheets the way I usually do when someone other than me has slept in my bed. Though he was gone, I wanted his scent to stay with me. The week after next I saw him again and I couldn't hold my feelings back, but he hasn't called since!

Love is crazy like that.... when you play ALL your cards right... it reneges.

I've Been Doing Some DEEP Thinking Lately

Most men are crazy, and those that aren't are borderline. There were time when I didn't know what to expect from a man, but now they have become so predictable! I know that they are shitting and there is only a matter of time before they flip out. For me, it's always somewhere around when I deny them sex. Every nigga claims to be different but they are ALL the same, if things don't go their way- they bail. It doesn't matter if they're a number on draft pick in the NBA or balding with a missing eye! Every dude has the same thing on his mind.

As I get older (and wiser- thank Yahweh), I am starting to sift through these same niggas who use to plague me. Now that I know what is going to happen, I can "wait for it!" Now that I have gotten to the point that I am finally immune to all this restless bullshit, men are coming out of the wood work. I use to go out with the sole purpose of meeting someone or running into someone (A.M.), but I got past that. Now, I have just been chilling with my family, a lot. When I am not doing that, I've been hanging around close friends. Now when I am at a concert with my sisters or shooting pool with my Kumar, men want to step up to the plate... and I am so over it!

Anyhow, I am not on any pessimist shit, but I am so done with BULL shit!

It's Been A While

I haven't written in this blog for weeks. Why? A little bit of Writer's Block is a big contribution. Recently I've been hit with surprising information. A former close friend from college had a baby and got married last week. Even though we've only been on "hi" bye" terms for the past two years, it seems so weird that I knew nothing about the pregnancy. I can remember nights spent in the dorms talking about the day when we would have kids and get married; now she has that.

Lately, I am trying to get focused on my career and my life. I want to get rid of a lot of baggage I've picked up in the last 8 yrs. I want to have the same carefree attitude I had back in high school... things were so simple then, and they are JUST as simple now, I just seem to find a way to complicate things.

I don't have a lot to say in this post, I think I have too much on my mind and I need to sort through it up there first. Maybe next time around I'll have something more uplifting to talk about- or atleast more sound.

New Friends, THE 30 Somethings

I have been tying a lot of loose ends lately. Ridding myself of fake friends and even making some new friends (that I hope I won't have to cut off anytime soon). Most of this started 2 weeks ago when Kumar and I went out to a pool hall to shoot the breeze. While Ku was racking up, I ventured off to get us another round of drinks and order of wings. While waiting on an infamous "White Russian" I sparked up conversation with a guy at the bar. That resulted in Kumar and I leaving "Jillian's" and tagging around town after my new friend. He got Kumar into a couple of strip clubs and bought him a lap dance so he could be distracted enough to have me one on one. I must say that ghetto strip clubs on St. Clair are usually not my cup of tea, but good times arose. We actually traded a lot of information, but I decided to call it quits for the night when he attempted to kiss me on the lips :-/ lol. On the way home (I let Kumar drive, against my better judgement) a guy stopped to us in at a red light started blowing me kisses. Seeing that I am a sucker for nice cars, and he was sitting on a nasty Charger, I had to oblige him! He has turned out to be a pretty cool guy.

Needless to say, I felt like I hit the jack pot when I met both of these guys. My friend from Jillian's was in a Lexus and had on pretty nice jewels, so I know he isn't starving. This past weekend when I went back to Cleveland for mother's day, we linked up again. This time he was sitting on an '08 Escalade, which made me smile.... until he put on a porno while I was sitting there talking to him. That was the most disrespectful shit EVER! I didn't trip though, I just kindly got out the truck and walked to my car. He later called me asking why I was upset... I told him that a 35 year old man should know why I was upset & if he needed to ask the question- he obviously can' t handle a woman like me!

After the eventful Friday night I decided to see what my St. Clair cutey was up to. He immediately informed me (via text) that it was his 34th birthday. Then, much to my surprise... he asked me if I wanted to GET A ROOM! lol, men in Cleveland are a better bread than any I know, but -all in the same breath, they are straight forward fools. Again I didn't trip, I just told him I wasn't interested and he apologized. Both of these fool hit me on Saturday, but I was more concerned with LE BRON @ The House of Blues, so I me Saturday night was already booked.

Saturday morning I ended up going to Beachwood to see if I could spend the gift certificate I received for my birthday last week. The mall was packed-ola! I started running into familiar faces left and right. First there was Anthony "Boo" Jones, a boy I was very much "in like" with for the better half of my high school era. Seems that a cute young boy turned into a fine young man. We traded a few pleasantries, but not our info. Ironically today is his 24th, I wish I could have remembered then... I then ran into a man who use to shop in Next when I worked there. Unfortunately he was there with his girl, so I couldn't stalk him the way I wanted to. I'm thinking he is about 36 by now, but he still didn't have a ring on his finger and neither did the girl who accompanied him :-)

After no luck at Arden B, I grabbed a bite and decided to hit Richmond so I could find my mom a gift. As I preceded to leave the parking lot I notice a BEAUTIFUL BENZ with some BEAUTIFUL BLACK MEN tailing me. Of course I automatically remember them from when they were checking me out inside the mall, but I played the role. It is my belief that the really followed me out, because when I went to turned off of Cedar onto Richmond Rd. I promise he made the most awkward change of lanes. Anywho, he caught me at a red light and we exchanged numbers :-) we had a quick phone conversation and that was that. I went to Richmond and found my mommy some flyy earrings.

The House of Blues was the sheezy. Talon and I paid way too much to get in, but my only connect (Steph Floss) showed me no love. I immediately ran into "Shorty Doo Wop" as Talon likes to call him, lol. Then, for the second time in on afternoon I ran into Boo again. He kept giving me the cutest stares all night... he even ran his fingers throw my hair a couple times! Good shit. I saw LeBrizzle James and immediately considered tackling his ass, but used my better judgement. The night was wonderful!

After 3 Long Islands Saturday night, it was a bitch getting up Sunday morning. After I got out of bible school I had a voice message from Mr Benz... who will most likely become a staple on this blog- so a code name is soon to come. Anywho, I went out to his home- which is on "Big Time" level... SIDENOTE, I miss "Big Time" but fuck it, he was dope money Mr Benz is legit. I chilled with him for a few hours, we watched "Happy Feet" and talked. He is 33 and has 3 daughters 2, 4, and 8(not sure how many baby mamas though). I use to feel funny about men with children, but in my recent wisdom I am finding that it's not the kids that mess up the relationship, but the exs. All and all it was a nice visit. He is super down to Earth and seems to have his business together, oh and did I forget to mention that he just might be rolling in the dough. None of that really mattered after he said he would visit me here. It could all be game, but I hate men that act like they can't travel. "Shorty Doo Wop" acted like he was doing me a favor by coming from Cleveland to Columbus to be with me. There is nothing more refreshing than a man who has no limits. It has nothing to do with the money because "Big Time" would much rather send me a plane ticket then come visit me in my own element. 30 something men is apparently my new thing. The first two I met kinda ended up being a bust, but 3 is a charm! I was a countdown Dre 35, Ray 34 no this 33 year old stunner! Lol. Hopefully this is better than my experiences with these 20 something jerks!