Every time I tell someone I can't swim, the first thing they ask me is, "well, can't you at least float," and of course I tell them, "hell naw!"
I have had many frustrations in recent months, or years rather but today, for the first time in a long time I am finally realizing a way to cope with it all. Instead of obsessing over the past, I am going to move on.
There are so many guys I have given affection to tirelessly and finally, I am tired of it. It's crazy how judgemental Black men and more specifically educated Black men have become in these latter days. Many of them walk around with a chip on their shoulders feeling that they are too good for me. Am I not worthy? Even if I weren't, I don't think it's fair for people to judge before they even get a chance to really know me. One can see someone in a club, or even GO to the club with someone and know nothing of their character! One can even call someone their closest friend, but just because someone is their for you, does not mean they count on you to be there for them...
Out of all the people I have befriended over the years, I can not say with confidence that I trust more than two of them. Out of all the people that may have judged me, thought they knew me, etc. I can honestly say none of them were any the wiser...
Erin and I had a conversation yesterday about our childhood. I guess because she and Antone are considering marriage, she decided to tell him a few things about how we grew up. After telling him a few vague details, Antone told her that a lot of things that confused him about her personality now all make sense. That same Ah ha moment came with Emeri of Elise years ago, and I hope that one day I will meet a man who I can tell a few secrets to as well- without having to brace myself for judgement.
From the outside looking in it might seem that my life is really sad, bitter, or unsuccessful, but I have come a long way. East Cleveland. Enough said. My friend Donte says that I complain too much? He says there are some people out there who don't even have a pot to piss in. I replied, really? Funny choice of words!
If I were to tell you a story, you wouldn't even believe me. I know you wouldn't, because I lived it and sometimes- I just can't believe that all the stuff that happened to me- really happened. At this point it's not even the event itself but the memory of it. That's why many times it's best to move on and let shit go, because if you don't, you'll drown in your sorrow and pain. So, while I physically don't know how to swim, figuratively I'm afloat and breathing easy.
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