Healing

I talked to Erin after class on Wednesday. I told her that I thought I would feel better after Mook's funeral, but I feel worse. She told me to take it easy and explained that I probably just need some time to heal. It's funny that one can get burned, cut, or injured physically and recognize that it will take time to get better But then when confronted with spiritual ailments it is so easy to forget that healing applies there as well. Emotional bruises run deep, so it is only natural that I am still hurting.

These last couple of years has taught we so much about life. The things we do while we are here will determine the things we are privileged to when we leave this Earth. There is no physical thing that is worth the loss of a soul. I am trying real hard to let go of the negativity in my past. If someone hurt me, it was Yahweh putting them up to it, so instead of bitching about what they had no control of, I am starting to search for a meaning in my pain. What is it that Yahweh wants me to see?

I was talking to an old friend from high school the other night and out of the blue he tells me that Charger It To The Game to him to tell me, "hi." That shocked me. It is as if he is taunting me. When I write him an e-mail, he doesn't reply. When I requested him on Facebook and Myspace he didn't acknowledge me. Once he finds that I am still keeping in tough with a friend that he is keeping in touch with also, he decides to play telephone and send me a message? I am not sure what was behind that, but I am starting to realize that maybe he was never my friend. Those 14 years that I fought so hard over for the last 7 years were not what I thought they were. He, so easily walked away from a friendship with a person who held him in the highest esteem... that simply means he didn't need our friendship. I needed his. It feels so good to use past tense. Nothing is forever, no matter how hard I try to convince myself. It hurt me so much when he walked out of my life but I can finally say, I am healing. I won't lie and say that he is completely out of my system, but I do realize that maybe all of which I thought I knew about him is a lie. Admitting that there is a problem is the first step.

Whatever I have to sacrifice to have self worth... I am welling to let it go. They say, "Go hard or go home." Well, I go hard and I love harder. Nothing else matters in my life right now aside from the ones I love and the ones who really love me.