Conscious

As I sit here on a lonely Friday night drinking Chocolate Martini #3, I wonder why I am not tipsy yet? I am so conscious of my surroundings. I just had one of the most stimulating conversations of my life with friend and great intellectual Wali. He, as am I, is poet and aspiring writer. We spoke a lot about consistency where writing is concerned and I realized that I haven't written in this blog in nearly a month- so here it goes.

Not much had been going on, just school and the inevitable job search I knew was coming. Unemployment has yet to file an extension on my funds and Delphi's TRA program denied me, so I am left to... WORK! I have an interview with Citi Card on Tuesday night, which might turn out to be for the best. No one likes a sitting duck, so maybe getting a job is the best thing for me to do at this point.

The occurrences of this week passed is making me realize that everything happens for a reason. Nothing is left to chance. Yahweh has a predetermined plan that is playing our right in front of our eyes- whether we acknowledge it or not! Lisa played me out on Friday- for the millionth and last time! I finally realize that dirty individuals have no place in my life. We were supposed to go to Donte Whitner's birthday bash in Cleveland, which I had to pull strings to get us into, then the bitch cancels on my like she always does. It's not even the fact that she cancelled on me, but it's the fact that she made up a bogus lie about having a flat tire. Be a woman, it's not that hard! Faking your whole like is not healthy! Lisa is a cool person, don't get me wrong, but I am starting to realize that I can not expect a person to have respect for me when they don't even have respect for them self. Honestly, I don't have respect for her at all, so how could I possibly be so self absorbed to think she would give me the courtesy? She is a 24 year old girl. She is a mother by default and stays with a niggas who blatantly disrespects her and cares nothing about her. She claims to have so much love for her son, yet, every chance she gets she is at the club?!?! Don't misunderstand, I can't judge her by any means- I just now realize that people will only be what Yahweh made them to be. If a person has never had a real friend, if a person has never experienced real love... how can we ask that of them?

By missing out on Donte's party I ended up going out Friday night to see Sam at the bar. I think that he has feelings for me, but it also seems like he is so stuck on not moving forward that we will never get past the proverbial hi- drink- bye denominator. It kind of sucks because he is a really handsome business minded individual who I think could teach me a lot, and in turn- I know I could show him new things. But, what's meant to be will be.

Another result of me not being in Cleveland on Friday meant that I was in Columbus on Saturday and available to go out on the town. What's funny about my recent hiatus from this Blogger is the fact that I have forgotten many of my blog "code names." Anyhow, I was so thirsty to go out Saturday night, but no one was down. But after Erin left from having dinner at my apartment, I wound down with my bootleg Sex and The City The Movie DVD and Mykl called. He said he could get us in at the Mid Month Mixer, so I promptly hopped in the shower and went to his house. He, Donny and I arrived a little after one, and I had what I will describe as the time of my life. Last Thursday I did a random visit to a White salon and got my hair cut and dyed, and I had on my favorite pair of Betsey Johnson's, so I was good to go. I saw a lot of old familiar faces, one of which I still hold dear to my heart...

Well, I know he has a blog code name which I have since forgotten, so he is therefore going to remain nameless. Since leaving home in 2001 I always have this sense of displacement... For instance, I will see someone is Cleveland that looks just like someone I know from Columbus or vice versa. Anyhow, I decided to break free from Mykl and Donny and went solo. As I walked through Karma I looked up, and saw his face... that beautiful face. With my new hair cut he obviously did not recognize me, but neither did I him. I initially thought to myself, "he looks just like _ _ _ _ _!" But then I rationalized, "he is in Cleveland," but as I looked closer, it was HIM :-) HIM! So, I approached his table, we hugged, and I decided to keep it moving. Why cry over spilled milk? He never would give me a chance anyway!

Well, after the night was over and the club scene was filing out, again, we ran into one another. We conversed for a hot second, but our conversation was interrupted when he was involved in a little altercation- so the talk ended. He seemed so interested, but I think it was the Goose. Why are men so forward with their feelings when liquor is factored into the situation? Sheesh, I am on Chocolate Martini #4 and my feelings have never been so lucid. Not just by the fact that I've been snapped back into reality by the sounds of my neighbor getting beat up by her boyfriend, but just in general I am still so conscious about what I feel.

I feel alone. There is never anyone to talk to. I feel elated that I have made it this far in life without a major break down. I feel grateful that Yahweh has kept me in the midst of it all. I am so conscious of my feelings. I feel heartbroken, because once again I prematurely gave my heart to a man, Alias, who does not give a damn about me... just like Charge It To The Game, just like Big Time, just like Aby, just like Polaris, just like... THEM ALL. Fake friends are worse than real enemies. I just want to be happy. No, that is a lie! I want to be happy and be conscious of the fact that I am happy. Sometimes, you feel a way and you aren't aware of it until it's passed. I want to know, I want to know now!