I've Been Doing Some DEEP Thinking Lately

Most men are crazy, and those that aren't are borderline. There were time when I didn't know what to expect from a man, but now they have become so predictable! I know that they are shitting and there is only a matter of time before they flip out. For me, it's always somewhere around when I deny them sex. Every nigga claims to be different but they are ALL the same, if things don't go their way- they bail. It doesn't matter if they're a number on draft pick in the NBA or balding with a missing eye! Every dude has the same thing on his mind.

As I get older (and wiser- thank Yahweh), I am starting to sift through these same niggas who use to plague me. Now that I know what is going to happen, I can "wait for it!" Now that I have gotten to the point that I am finally immune to all this restless bullshit, men are coming out of the wood work. I use to go out with the sole purpose of meeting someone or running into someone (A.M.), but I got past that. Now, I have just been chilling with my family, a lot. When I am not doing that, I've been hanging around close friends. Now when I am at a concert with my sisters or shooting pool with my Kumar, men want to step up to the plate... and I am so over it!

Anyhow, I am not on any pessimist shit, but I am so done with BULL shit!

It's Been A While

I haven't written in this blog for weeks. Why? A little bit of Writer's Block is a big contribution. Recently I've been hit with surprising information. A former close friend from college had a baby and got married last week. Even though we've only been on "hi" bye" terms for the past two years, it seems so weird that I knew nothing about the pregnancy. I can remember nights spent in the dorms talking about the day when we would have kids and get married; now she has that.

Lately, I am trying to get focused on my career and my life. I want to get rid of a lot of baggage I've picked up in the last 8 yrs. I want to have the same carefree attitude I had back in high school... things were so simple then, and they are JUST as simple now, I just seem to find a way to complicate things.

I don't have a lot to say in this post, I think I have too much on my mind and I need to sort through it up there first. Maybe next time around I'll have something more uplifting to talk about- or atleast more sound.

New Friends, THE 30 Somethings

I have been tying a lot of loose ends lately. Ridding myself of fake friends and even making some new friends (that I hope I won't have to cut off anytime soon). Most of this started 2 weeks ago when Kumar and I went out to a pool hall to shoot the breeze. While Ku was racking up, I ventured off to get us another round of drinks and order of wings. While waiting on an infamous "White Russian" I sparked up conversation with a guy at the bar. That resulted in Kumar and I leaving "Jillian's" and tagging around town after my new friend. He got Kumar into a couple of strip clubs and bought him a lap dance so he could be distracted enough to have me one on one. I must say that ghetto strip clubs on St. Clair are usually not my cup of tea, but good times arose. We actually traded a lot of information, but I decided to call it quits for the night when he attempted to kiss me on the lips :-/ lol. On the way home (I let Kumar drive, against my better judgement) a guy stopped to us in at a red light started blowing me kisses. Seeing that I am a sucker for nice cars, and he was sitting on a nasty Charger, I had to oblige him! He has turned out to be a pretty cool guy.

Needless to say, I felt like I hit the jack pot when I met both of these guys. My friend from Jillian's was in a Lexus and had on pretty nice jewels, so I know he isn't starving. This past weekend when I went back to Cleveland for mother's day, we linked up again. This time he was sitting on an '08 Escalade, which made me smile.... until he put on a porno while I was sitting there talking to him. That was the most disrespectful shit EVER! I didn't trip though, I just kindly got out the truck and walked to my car. He later called me asking why I was upset... I told him that a 35 year old man should know why I was upset & if he needed to ask the question- he obviously can' t handle a woman like me!

After the eventful Friday night I decided to see what my St. Clair cutey was up to. He immediately informed me (via text) that it was his 34th birthday. Then, much to my surprise... he asked me if I wanted to GET A ROOM! lol, men in Cleveland are a better bread than any I know, but -all in the same breath, they are straight forward fools. Again I didn't trip, I just told him I wasn't interested and he apologized. Both of these fool hit me on Saturday, but I was more concerned with LE BRON @ The House of Blues, so I me Saturday night was already booked.

Saturday morning I ended up going to Beachwood to see if I could spend the gift certificate I received for my birthday last week. The mall was packed-ola! I started running into familiar faces left and right. First there was Anthony "Boo" Jones, a boy I was very much "in like" with for the better half of my high school era. Seems that a cute young boy turned into a fine young man. We traded a few pleasantries, but not our info. Ironically today is his 24th, I wish I could have remembered then... I then ran into a man who use to shop in Next when I worked there. Unfortunately he was there with his girl, so I couldn't stalk him the way I wanted to. I'm thinking he is about 36 by now, but he still didn't have a ring on his finger and neither did the girl who accompanied him :-)

After no luck at Arden B, I grabbed a bite and decided to hit Richmond so I could find my mom a gift. As I preceded to leave the parking lot I notice a BEAUTIFUL BENZ with some BEAUTIFUL BLACK MEN tailing me. Of course I automatically remember them from when they were checking me out inside the mall, but I played the role. It is my belief that the really followed me out, because when I went to turned off of Cedar onto Richmond Rd. I promise he made the most awkward change of lanes. Anywho, he caught me at a red light and we exchanged numbers :-) we had a quick phone conversation and that was that. I went to Richmond and found my mommy some flyy earrings.

The House of Blues was the sheezy. Talon and I paid way too much to get in, but my only connect (Steph Floss) showed me no love. I immediately ran into "Shorty Doo Wop" as Talon likes to call him, lol. Then, for the second time in on afternoon I ran into Boo again. He kept giving me the cutest stares all night... he even ran his fingers throw my hair a couple times! Good shit. I saw LeBrizzle James and immediately considered tackling his ass, but used my better judgement. The night was wonderful!

After 3 Long Islands Saturday night, it was a bitch getting up Sunday morning. After I got out of bible school I had a voice message from Mr Benz... who will most likely become a staple on this blog- so a code name is soon to come. Anywho, I went out to his home- which is on "Big Time" level... SIDENOTE, I miss "Big Time" but fuck it, he was dope money Mr Benz is legit. I chilled with him for a few hours, we watched "Happy Feet" and talked. He is 33 and has 3 daughters 2, 4, and 8(not sure how many baby mamas though). I use to feel funny about men with children, but in my recent wisdom I am finding that it's not the kids that mess up the relationship, but the exs. All and all it was a nice visit. He is super down to Earth and seems to have his business together, oh and did I forget to mention that he just might be rolling in the dough. None of that really mattered after he said he would visit me here. It could all be game, but I hate men that act like they can't travel. "Shorty Doo Wop" acted like he was doing me a favor by coming from Cleveland to Columbus to be with me. There is nothing more refreshing than a man who has no limits. It has nothing to do with the money because "Big Time" would much rather send me a plane ticket then come visit me in my own element. 30 something men is apparently my new thing. The first two I met kinda ended up being a bust, but 3 is a charm! I was a countdown Dre 35, Ray 34 no this 33 year old stunner! Lol. Hopefully this is better than my experiences with these 20 something jerks!

Niggas

A negro will always be a negro. They don't change (especially over night). They offer fake apologies and tell you what you want to hear, all the while having no intention to compromise! I am disgusted in a major way. Anywho, ERASED!!! The Mint Chocolate has SOOOOO much memory space in its phone book right now! Re- up time! Fuck these weak ass CLEVELAND niggas!

Arguing

It seems that no one likes to admit they're an arguer. Recently, I had a conversation with my Heights Boy (who will now be referred to as "Pretty Brown Eye"). He basically said that he is not the type to argue with a girl. I kind of had the same discussion with Ugly Mitch last year. Any who, I just don't see how anyone can truly say they care about someone, but won't argue in order to save the relationship. I would never let a man walk away from me if I really cared about him.... at least not without a fight. And to tell the truth, I would never be with a guy who is not worth fighting for!

I guess what I am trying to say is, I want a man who thinks I'm worth fighting for. I want a man who is willing to step outside of his box and compromise. No one wants to waste time arguing. No one wants to fight... well, let me rephrase that. The war in Iraq! It's not that we're in Iraq, it's the fact that we're in Iraq for no reason. If we were in Iraq and we knew what we were fighting for, it wouldn't be an issue. But that's not the case. In a relationship, one you really care about- you don't mind fighting. I hate when men don't care to argue or make their case... but then claim they care. Those are contradictory statements.

Life can sometimes be sickening and men are not as dull as they seem. They try to come off like they're oblivious, but they play us like flutes! They don't apologize, not really. They say things like, "I'm sorry you took what I said this way." or "I'm sorry you were hurt." It's basically like saying, "Your point of view is fucked up, I'm sorry your opinion is leading you to be upset but you need to start seeing the world through my eyes, so then we won't have an issue!" It's so belittling, condescending, infuriating! I don't feed too much into things- I just see them like they are. It's over, I am just looking for someone who is into me as much as I am into them. Nothing else really matters.

CANCELLED

So, yea... you know your girl L.J., always waiting until the last minute to do everything. Procrastination can sometimes be a blessing in disguise. On a good day I leave for my one o'clock class around 12:30, but of course 12:30 came and left, yet I was still finishing up my homework! So I hear my text message alert go off, and of course I ignore it. Jumping up and throwing on some clothes, I head for the door. As I am approaching my car- keys in hand, I decide to check that text. THANK YAHWEH I did, because it was a chick from my class informing me that it's been CANCELLED! YAY! As I briskly walked back into my cribbo, I started to think about some things. Procrastination is generally treated as a negative trait...but what if the things we automatically and sometimes prejudicely assume have negative connotation, aren't so bad after all?

If I had a nickel for every occasion a man turned me down and I looked back in retrospect and gave praise for it, I'd be...Bill Gates! The funny thing is, sometimes we really just don't know what we want in life. We bitch over trivial things, but when the big factors occur in our lives-we don't know how to handle it. Life is so simple, it's just the fact that we're so set on making it difficult and end up wasting so much time complaining, we don't have time to stop and smell the flowers. We need to learn to let things GO! Unanswered phone call? Just say, "Fuck him!" No response to that text? Just say, "Fuck him!" Does he throw up an away message when you i.m. him? Just say, "Fuck him!" CANCEL that person out! Before you know it, he'll be the one calling-texting-iming you. And you'll be... on another broadcast channel, watching another PRIME TIME man, and all the while his show is being CANCELLED!

"Some luck lies in not getting what you want but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see it's what you would have wanted had you known."
~Garrison Keillor

Good Advice

Conversing with Mustang a couple weeks ago made me realize a lot about myself. We've been dating for the past year, the last 6 months of which have been OFF. The conversation took place late night, after I left from celebrating Mykl's birthday at The Black Horse. After having a couple drinks which allowed me to muster up enough courage to hit him up, I stopped by and we chatted for a couple of hours. The good conversation reminded me of how much fun I use to have with him last summer. Sometimes, a good thing is missed as soon as it's gone, but then there are the other occasions when the realization of having missed something or someone all along doesn't creep up until you have them back. It's kind of similar to when a person doesn't realize how heavy their cravings are until they start eating, then after eating half a cow- one might say, "I didn't even realize I was that hungry!" That's how I was feeling while I was chilling with Mustang, but instead of expressing how hungry I was unaware... I said, "I really like you."After a pregnant pause, Mustang gave me an infuriating yet valid response. He asked me, "How could you possibly say you like me when we haven't talked in 6 months?" It would have been nice if he would have left it at that, but over the last two weeks, I just feel like I am in the dog house. It seems that he is trying to convince me to hate him. Sadly, this isn't an unfamiliar territory for me.

Why do men always zero in on the negative aspects of a situation? I once confided in Big Time, only for him to turn around and scold me for complaining! It's very seldom to run into a nigga who can realize, a woman only confides in people she feels she can trust. Her complaints shouldn't be magnified, but her efforts to be vulnerable enough to reveal shit that she normally wouldn't tell a soul should be appreciated. He should rejoice in the fact that she trusts him. Any other time men are complaining about NOT HAVING trust from a woman. But when a woman hands her trust out on a silver platter what does he do?

Then there is another nigga I am cool with who complains about the time I try to spend with him. Since he lives in Cleveland and my parents live in Cleveland he feels as if he shouldn't give me any of his time because I am not visiting Cleveland exclusively for him. He pitched his ridiculous OPINION at me for nearly 30 minutes, but then when he came to visit me in Columbus, with the claim of being here exclusively for me, he ditches me for his friend. COME ON! Can we spell H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E? To believe I dropped my plans on a beautiful Friday night for a nigga who hit me with the LIE that he was going to be in town for ONE NIGHT ONLY! Someone, a man especially, who is going to be in town for one night ONLY, does not pack for three days. The TRUTH is that he only PLANNED to spend one night with me. The TRUTH is that he was going to spend the other two days with his needy friend. The TRUTH is he is not man enough to call a spade a spade! Just keep it real, you want to bitch about me not being exclusive to you, but then you want to try and make me feel bad ALL THE WHILE you are doing the same thing? I may have a baby face, but I was not born yesterday. The anger didn't even hit me until he insulted me by coming back to my apt in the middle of the night when he knew I was drunk! WTF is that? He tried to disguise the whole ordeal with "concern" but on arrival tried to force me to kiss him? He didn't try to force me to talk to him. He didn't try to force comfort on me, he tried to kiss me, lol. COME ON! Niggas kill me! He couldn't appreciate that while I could spend all of my time in Cleveland with my family, I choose to try and get up with him. It took this whole bullshit weekend to confirm what I already knew. Niggas want to have their cake and eat it too. He's just like Big Time!

At the end of the night, I think about Mustang. I think about Big Time. I think about... did I ever give him a code name? Anyhow, I think about "him" too. I really start to ask myself, "Why do I like these guys?" They see right through me and CHOOSE to pick at the negative things. They choose to recognize my vulnerability and dub it NEGATIVITY when they are the ones being negative. These men, that I claim to like see me as a monster, so what should I view them as? I tell you what, I am done begging for acceptance. Last night I started erasing phones numbers and it was so liberating. The advice Mustang gave hurt me at the time, but after I had a moment to consider what he was saying, it all makes sense. How can I say I like him when I haven't talked to him in six month? I can't. Why do I like these niggas who are so unfair to me? I don't. I'm like Torvald in A Doll's House, "I've never loved them. I only thought it amusing to be in love with them." They like it, I LOVE IT! I'm done with arguing. I'm done with pleading my case. I just want a guy who is man enough to appreciate a real woman!

Random

So, I am just sitting here on this Sunday morning washing sheets. I really should be in bible school, but I woke up LATE as ever! I have been doing a lot of thinking as of late. Where is my life headed and who do I want to spend it with? Out of desperation I think that a lot of my decision making toward men is completely fabricated. Do I really have love for these dudes, probably not! So, why am I being so persistent. Why am I trying to make something out of nothing? Why haven't I just moved on?

I was listening to this Jamie Foxx song last night and it made me realize that love should not be forced. I should be easy going. Of course anything worth having has a certain amount of work included, but should so much work be necessary so early? This is the time when thing are supposed to be flowing, I'm young. I will be 25 in two weeks and I am putting so much stress on things that shouldn't hold any importance in my life. Why is that? I think I have gotten to the point that I let other people put a value on my life. I let other people get in my ear and alter what I have always loved about myself; INDEPENDENCE! The funny thing about these people who have so much negative shit to say about me and my life is, they're unhappy with there own lives. A couple of weeks ago I had a friend tell me I have a negative demeanor! Instead of taking it in I should have stopped him in his tracks and said, "No my demeanor is not negative, you're just a JERK!" But, I didn't do that, I let him win that battle. People who judge other people's lives are simply unhappy with their own. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to point out the negative. Take one to know one, remember that saying? When on is happy, all they can focus on is the beauty in things. They don't have time... no let me rephrase that, they don't waste the time to be negative.

I have just been having a lot of RANDOM thoughts. All I am know is I am growing everyday. Others might not approve, but I love the woman I am and I love the woman I am becoming. These niggas are going to look back in regret, but me, I'm going to look forward. I will never stop and say, "damn I really fucked that up," or "why didn't I get with him when I had the chance!." The most I will do is think, "what the fuck was I thinking when I tried to holler at him." Self sufficiency is key.

WITH "FRIENDS" LIKE THESE... Who Needs Enemies?

Here recently I've been going through drama with Charisse as a result of her MALICIOUSLY stealing MY baby name. I tried to approach the situation like an adult, but when on a playground- do as the children do. Its crazy to think that I am damn near 25 and my friends STILL don't have minds of their own. Its all so exhausting! What started out as something that should have been left between Charisse and I, has now been blown completely out of proportion. Now, all these bitches who shouldn't have anything to do with it in the first place are throwing their two cents into the mix. Then, they all want to make the claim, "I'M NOT TAKING SIDE?" BULLSHIT! If there are two friends feuding and one wants to STAY OUT OF IT, they simply refrain from giving an opinion at all. If you find yourself calling one friend and agreeing with her only to turn around and call the opposing friend and agree with everything she has to say ALSO- that is not "staying out of it!" In fact, there is a term for that.... it's called PLAYING BOTH SIDES better known as BEING TWO FACED. I swear the definition people have for "not choosing sides" is ridiculous! Furthermore, peoples' definition of being a friend is even worse!

I can tell you one thing, FRIENDS are over rated. I don't want to have to compete with my friends. I want my friends to be happy for me the way I am always happy for them. I don't want to feel awkward around my girl because her HUSBAND is hitting me. How am I going to explain to her that her man is hitting me up asking what I think our baby would look like, because he is OBVIOUSLY not pleased with the way his two children with her came out looking! I don't want to bite my tongue because my other friend has started a relationship with a guy from my past. If I ever try to tell her, "he is still screwing his ex (also another close friend of mine)," she is going to just say I am hating or call me jealous! I don't want to wonder if my friends are talking about me behind me back the way they talk about one another. I don't want to have to hide my belonging every time one of them comes over in fear that they are going to either steal, mimic, or hate on my possessions. It's all too exhausting!

I am not going to spend too much time worrying about any of this but it's seem everyone is upset because I didn't go to Bar Louie last night? So the fuck what! Last week, these same bitches intentionally went to Bar Louie without me! So now, a week later- they want to pity me and invite me? I'm good. Yea, I went to Bar Louie, I just didn't go with you bitches! It's fine when you guys leave me out, but when the tables turn and I don't go with you guys, it's a problem? That is the most HYPOCRITICAL shit I have ever heard!

Life is too short and too beautiful to spend it with people who don't appreciate who you really are. I am done with the phony friendships. I am done sending texts and making calls to a man who obviously wouldn't know a GOOD WOMAN if she smacked him in the face! I am making a conscious effort to make my life the best it can be. I wrote the majority of my first chapter last night and my mind is solely devoted to this novel right now. Nothing else matters. I know who my real friends are and I have known for over a decade. I know who really loves me- and I shouldn't have to waste time convincing idiots to do the same. I am content with where I am in life and who is in my life as of now! Sometimes its hard to walk away from the people you have loved for so long, but if they never really loved you- what's the point in staying?

Neither Out Far Nor In Deep

The people along the sand
All turn and look one way.
They turn their back on the land.
They look at the sea all day.

As long as it takes to pass
A ship keeps raising its hull;
The wetter ground like glass
Reflects a standing gull.

The land may vary more;
But wherever the truth may be-
The water comes ashore,
And the people look at the sea.

They cannot look out far.
They cannot look in deep.
But when was that ever a bar
To any watch they keep?

~Robert Frost 1934

I am sooooo in love with this poem. I want to immediately go out on a limb and say it's second best to Nikki Giovanni's Nikki Rosa, but I won't go there quite yet. The metaphoric background Frost holds allows me to completely see his angle. Anywho, I think that the poem completely represents the way I see myself, like the sea ;-)

Just Tryna' Make A Dollar Outta' Fifteen Cents

Right now I am on my grind, the way I should have been five years ago. One can't cry over spilled milk, so I am trying to do the things now that will make my life the best in the future. This whole school thing is really dragging me down, but I am not a quitter. I need to get back at OSU asap because unlike I was lead to believe, Columbus State is not cheaper. I am realizing that I need to stop taking the advice of others' and start listening to my own heart!

These last few days I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the past; people who use to be in my life, the things I use to enjoy doing, and the places I use to love going. I am a different person now. The only time I want to go to the club is to run into someone specific, shopping and spending money on frivolous things now makes me feel guilty, and my taste in friends has definitely changed. I use to entertain people, even when I knew they weren't my friends, but now a days I don't even waste my time on friendships. Most of the people I hang around I do love, but more than anything I am counting the seconds until they let me down. I am so use to phoniness and disappointment- that I can not even enjoy my relationship.... it kind of sucks! I guess my rationalization lies in the fact that the people who are really meant to be in my like will somehow sift their way through my bullshit antics. Well, I do not completely think that my antics are all bullshit, seeing that they are based on the fact that so many "friends" have proved themselves to be all but. I don't know, but I do know things will get better.

This trip to Houston will hopefully be a good one. I am just ready to relax and stop thinking about what is going on in Ohio. Worrying about my family is starting to drain me. Stressing about bills and school (with no income coming in) is starting to weigh on me also. I just need some me time; solitude. I hope this guy doesn't try to pressure me into anything, because its not happening and I will just have to blow some more money and be on the first thing smoking to Columbus, but I am somewhat confident that things will be fine. Yahweh planned this trip for some reason. Otherwise someone wouldn't have hit me out of the blue and offered to pay for my trip right in the midst of me having money troubles. I guess Yahweh just knows I need a break from life and I can not wait to take it!

I have made a lot of weird decisions this year. I got that lump sum from Delphi and I don't know where it went... but at the same time I no longer have ANY credit card debt, I put a dent into my student loans, and I got my ass back in school- so all is not lost. I moved into my own apartment, and apt. that I am starting to realize may be to rich for my blood ($246 electric bill?!?!), but I am going to make it work. 2008 is one 1/4 in and already I have so many questions about the choices I've made. Well, whatever happens by 2009 I promise to have no regrets and hopefully I will be in a better position ending this year than what I was beginning it. People judge me everyday, but I have come a long way- I came from nothing, I've made something out of nothing. If these walls could talk...

Disaster

Ok, so I am a firm believer in not planning things and just letting it happen but last night was horrible for me. I am not sure where I went wrong or if it was I that went wrong, but the whole situation was wrong. How can something that seems so good go so bad? It's the friends, the ones who you really care about that always seem let you down. Dazed & Confused...

EMTIONALLY Drained

Life is so complicated and everyday I find a way to make it worse. I am just dissatisfied with some of the decisions I've made in recent months.

It's a hard to task to keep an open heart without taking advice from people. The irony in that task is the fact that listening to unstable friends will fuck you life all the way up! Last year I took the advice of one of my girls about a guy I had been seeing. Consequently he and I fell out over the advice. Months later I am finding out that the information and the advice that was given to me was false and misdirected. Now I am sitting back with my foot in my mouth...

The first step I took to try and mend the bridge I broke was to send the guy a Valentine's Day card. I sent it anonymously. I keep planning to run into him out in the club, but I haven't really been going out lately. So, last night I decided to go to Verizon.com and look through my old phone bills to figure out his number (because I prematurely erased it) and it turns out I am a month too late. The last time I called him was 7 months ago and apparently online bills only go back 6 months. I can not believe it is March already!!! Anyhow, I can't call my buddy A Nutz because we are on the outs, and he is my only connection to him. The fact that this is finals week and I am on the fence with two other men does not make this news any easier. I just don't know what to do.

My life is always full of DRAMA, even when things seem calm. The guys I am into are not into me. The guys that are into me I'm not into. The guys that I seem to be in sync with have some other kind of drama, like a baby or an on again of again. It's always something.

What's The Point?

It really sucks when you're stunted. You know, the feeling you have when you don't have any love interest what so ever. What sucks even more is when you do have someone in mind, but they aren't emotionally available. You try to keep your distance and keep yourself from catching feelings, but it's just so damned hard! It's really no use.

I am feeling really torn as of late because I am feeling a friend of mine. He is cute, motivated and more importantly he is such a sweet person. But just like every other good man I meet, he has a girlfriend. Well, let me rephrase that, he has an on again off again. We clearly like one another- I feel that is quite evident by now, but I don't want to move forward. I am sick of putting MYSELF in the position where as soon as I lay my cards down the nigga ups and decides to walk all over my heart.

In 2008 it is so hard to decipher if a man is being sincere or if he is just running game. One minute he can be inviting you to accompany him in Las Vegas and the next thing you know he is telling you he is involved with someone else and is trying to make it work (Big Time). I don't understand how men can turn their feelings on and off like that. I guess I have a lot to learn.

What to do at this point is beyond me because I am starting to really like this guy. I am going to avoid giving him a code name because everyman I have given a code name to on this blog is no longer in my life. Hopefully, above all things he and I will remain friends. I don't want to muddy things up and make things complicated- but sooner or later the plot is going to deepen... especially because he keeps pushing the issue.

I don't mind being with someone. I don't mind being honest with one another- I actually would prefer it that way (I am a big girl). The only thing I don't understand is why I should compromise my heart and my own feelings when he can up and leave at any moment and go back to the other Bitch? What sense does that make? What's the point?

The FUTURE

So, I have been thinking a lot about my future lately. I am trying to figure out a path to take to make the best out of my situation. I really want to graduate, but shit just seems to be taking so long. I wish I would have come to OSU with a better attitude and I would be a lot farther than I am now!

First and foremost I am debating on if I should get a job. I was going to try and wait til June, but I am starting to find that I am not as disciplined with my cash as I thought I would be. I mean, I know I can survive off of unemployment, but at the same time- I am Lindsay. There is no way in hell I can be satisfied with the bare minimum. I know I want to attend classes next quarter and I definitely do not want to take out any loans, so I am going to have to be very wise about my money.

Any who, Milbrey bought my ticket last night, so I officially have 3 weeks to get my shit together. I plan to lose a quick 15 (I started the Master Cleanse today) and I plan to start working out like crazy (starting tomorrow). I figure if I start out doing 100 crunches a day and work my way up to 300 within a week, I will have my cute little abs back! I am so excited and I plan on NOT buying anything new for the trip. I already have luggage, 2 pairs of jeans I have never worn, along with a crazy amount of shit I have worn 1 time- so I am going to be wise. I plan to give myself a $500 spending limit (not including food & entertainment) for shopping. Enough about that.

My plans are to just get my shit together in the next few weeks. I need to grind out the end of this quarter and looking into registering EARLY at OSU so I can finally take the classes I need and get the hell out of CO. I want to make sure I have a banging body for my 25th birthday which is less than 2 months away!!! And I want to really finish getting this book together. I think it is important that I start doing more things to prepare for the future. The club will always be there. Niggas who don't take me as I am will always be there. Girls who pretend to be my friends who secretly hate me will always be there. Clothes and shoes will ALWAYS be there. And more than anything McDonald's and cookies will always be there. So, I am making a conscious decision to take heed of opportunities that come once in a Blue Moon. Because once thing that will not always be here is time... times not forever.

My Book

I really need to step my game UP! My book was supposed to be done over a year ago, and here it is March of 2008 and I am stuck on the second chapter! I am realizing I definitely need to put some gas on it! Seeing that people are stealing the names that I am going to grace my children with, it is only a matter of time before someone tried to steal the name of my book also- and I'm not having it!

I just need solitude. I think I am going to stop hanging around with my friends so much. I am not really gaining anything from it. They don't call me during the week, I really never know whats going on in any one's life. It just occurred to me that I am being feed by a loooooong spoon! Everything is fine tuned. It seems that everyone is having problems and issues, but no one shares them with me. Not to say that I don't find out about them, because EVERYONE talks behinds each others backs. It just would be nice to get info from the horses mouth for once. I am realizing how phony it is to act like everything is all kosher when your man is treating you like crap, or your man is cheating on you, or you man just doesn't like you at all! The thing about women I don't understand is why can't they keep it real! There is always some lie going on! They can't just be honest in saying they have problems just like everyone else! They have to hold up this facade! Anyhow, I am done with dis functional people.

I have always been a fan of surrounding myself with individuals who I look up to. One's that inspire me, but for the most part the people I hang around now do neither. All of my girls are getting pregnant. A woman who has to trap a man be getting pregnant is relentless. Then, one by one they end up unhappy mothers of illegitimate children, and that's not cool. We end up having nothing in common. Then the men I hang around are mama's boys! They are still living at home with their moms and have no control over their own lives! I mean, that shit gets old. I am looking for adult relationships and what I have now is not cutting it! Why am I wasting time hanging around losers when I could be writing my book- something that is actually going to contribute to my future?

What The Fuck Is Up?

Okay, so maybe I am over reacting, but no I am not! What is up with people stealing my baby names? So, back in Mrs. Urogody Eiler's Street Law course at Shaw High I decided two things. One, that I wanted to someday become an attorney and two that the names of my (future) children. I knew right off the back I was going to name my son Linden Re' for obvious reasons... and I decided I was doing to name my daughter London Paris... London because it is so close to Linden and also because it is one of the four FASHION CAPITALS of the world along with Paris which was also very similar to my then boyfriend's french sounding name. So, of course he was a jerk and named his daughter that he has with another bitch Paris. That really pissed me off, but all of a sudden my pregnant friend is set on naming her daughter London?!?! She claims that she decided on it a while ago? A while ago when? Was it a while ago when I was telling you the story about Pierre being a bastard and naming his daughter Paris when he knows my baby name is London Paris!?!? It's not like Tiffany or Ashley. London is not a popular name that people think of let alone consider naming their kid. MAN UP! Admit that you never thought of that name until you heard me say it and you are a thief!!! God damn, I am so pissed about this mess! People don't have one original bone in their bodies! That's all I have to say!

P.S. Keep it real. I still have birth certificates from Mrs. Urogody's class stating what both of my children's names were. I can prove it. What female doesn't sit back and contemplate on what they're going to name their child years in advance? Come on!

Getting Ready

So, I have a couple trips I want to go on in the near future, one being Houston, TX. I just need to get away from it all and relax. Milbrey says that we are going to the beach when I come, so that means my ass needs to be on some body's diet ASAPly. I talked to Chelle last week and she was telling me she did the master cleanse and lost 16 lbs in 10 days. Sheesh! I remember when I tried it last year I only lasted 4 days. I then had a break down at work when everyone around me was slamming and the only thing I had was lemon water? WTF? lol. Anyhow, I think I am in a better position to do it now, seeing that the only time I leave the house is for bible school and class. I do need to cleanse my body and I def need to lose some damned weight, so I plan to start tomorrow. Maybe I can even save some money! YAY!

This is the time that I need to be getting ready for my future. I am trying to improve my looks (i.e. the haircut & losing weight), buy I am also trying to improve my health and soul. I just need to get a exercise regimen along with some kind of community service act that will soften my heart. Spring is around the corner and I'll be damned if the stories I post in this blog are like the ones of spring's past. When I first started this blog in spring of '06, I was usually cooped up in my bedroom crying on beautiful ass afternoons blogging about how tragic my life was. Then last spring ('07) I was too damned busy and wrapped up in my life to even have the time/ energy to sit down and blog. I probably wrote no more than 5 entries last spring. This spring I want to have the me time to sit down and blog, but I also want to have something nice to blog about... or someone nice rather. Hopefully the things I am doing now to get ready for life will help me to have a great spring and a great future.

Thinking...

Men are my weakness. Everyday I start to think about one of them that I wrote off in my past. Today it's Aby. I miss him. I always find time to miss them all. Maybe it's because I am alone now, so I have nothing better to do than sit around and ponder. I always wonder... "what could have been?" Too many questions gone unanswered. My life has become almost tragic. It's funny how much of my time is spent thinking about that past, but the smartest question I could ask myself is, "do they ever think about me? If they knew this blog existed, would they read it?" But, I wouldn't dare ask myself those questions in fear of what the answers that pop up in my head would be. Sometimes answering a question of yourself is much harder than asking the question.

Anywho, I got to thinking about Aby today and how he is worlds away. Not just physically, Aby is on a whole other level of life than where I am (as most of the incredible men I let pass me by are). He is a kid in many ways, but I sometimes wonder if I would have approached the situation differently, would it have turned out any different? Would I still be shit- faced and alone? Or would I be with a BIGGER BETTER man than my last? Would everybody look at us and wonder, "how the hell did that happen?" I wouldn't care, because no matter what people think or say, I would really care for him. I mean, I do really care for him. I haven't even seen him in over a year and I haven't talked to him in quite a while, but I wonder how I could get a hold of him now a days. It may be impossible. Or it could be just another one of those chances I will never get back.

I am trying to get back to the old me, you know, the me I was before Maize & Blue. I know I am reaching because that was 7 years ago, but I loved who I was. Back the if a man wasn't feeling me... wait a minute- I guess I never was one to take no for an answer, but I made the "no" work for me. If a man rejected me or didn't act the way I wanted him to, I moved on. I became a better woman so that they would look at me and see what they missed out on. These days it seems that I am just falling off more and more. So now, they look back and say, "Damn, I am glad I didn't fuck with her!" lol. With Ja, he ended up calling me my junior year trying to holler after he dogged me from the time we attended Kirk to day he graduated from Shaw. Now that was a fun situation. He made nothing out of his life, had a possible baby one the way (as if one were playing spades) and didn't know where he was headed, but yet expected me to STILL greet him with open arms? It never felt better to say, "nigga please!" It was the same feeling I had in 2001 when Charge It To The Game tried to humiliate me in the senior cafe. But then when I said, "I wouldn't be telling some bitch at Heights I'm going to prom with you because I am going with "Maize & Blue" (for the lack of better words, lol)" that killed him! I guess becoming a better woman and being with a better man always made me feel better, but I just haven't been able to pull that off these last couple of years.

Now, I am thinking about other ways of getting revenge. Scenario #1 Maize & Blue. I recently told Manida about the whole situation and if she were I, would she try to get back with him as revenge to the bitch he is with, you know- the bitch that "stole" him from me (by getting knocked up on purpose). Manida gave me the green light, but after I re-evaluated the situation, I didn't against. It's not worth losing myself over a nigga who is stuck with a bitch who could never and (even if she had the choice) would never love him the way that I did. He has to live with that.

Scenario # 2 revenge for some high school drama. So The Banana Bitch also know as ACID was one of my only friends from Kirk to Shaw. She was THE only person I let know the depth of my feelings for Charge It To The Game. To make the long story short, once he blew up our Senior year, she decided to go behind my back, turn him against me- fuck him, get knocked (though she had an abortion), etc. I.e. the end of our friendship. That who situation really ruined my senior year, it's a pivotal moment that really changed my life and I must admit I still carry some of the resentment with me to this day. To catch one up to speed, The Banana Bitch got knocked by another kid who we went to Shaw with. He has 3 other kids by 3 other chicks. What started out as a casual relationship, turned into the birth of a baby, which in the last couple weeks has now become a relationship. This is where it gets sticky... her new man aka baby daddy has started hitting me up regularly on myspace. We were never friends in real life, now he is showing certain interest. My question is, should I hook him in revenge? I WOULD SO LOVE TO. But, I guess it's not my style. Lucky for The Banana Bitch and her bastard, I don't get down like that. What she did to me, she will NEVER know... but in the end, I am a better woman because of it!

THE American Dream

This is what it's all about. I guess we really don't know what is going on behind closed doors but Black love is happiness. In these latter days I have started to sway my initial feelings. I thought I would never date outside my race, but lately I am just so sick and tired of disappointment. But then, I see a picture like this and my heart melts; my heart is softened. There is nothing like seeing a strong Black man who is being held down by a strong Black woman. I really pray that Barack Obama wins this election and I also pray that my Barack comes along soon!

Esco Bar

I don't know why I've been thinking about him so much lately. For the past year it's been out of sight out of mind. It may have something to do with the fact that Maize & Blue has weazled his way back into my life. I can't call it, but something sure has resurrected my feelings about him. What could have happened? Shit, I may have never had a chance with Esco Bar in the first place but I wish I could truly know. I may not have pretty enough. I may not have been skinny enough. Shoot, I may not have been light skinned enough, who knows? And I guess what I am trying to ask is, will I ever know?

I stayed away from the football scene this year. I can count on one hand how many times I watched a game. I guess it had something to do with the emotional land mines I was afraid of coming across, but now it's off season and my heart is still on the verge of being blown to pieces. I didn't want to think about Maize & Blue, now I am. I didn't want to think about Charge It To The Game, now I am. I didn't want to think about Esco Bar, but here I am. Unavailable men is my weakness.

I really know how to choose them. I seem to fall for the greatest men; the ones that actually make it to the NFL, law students, small business owners, etc. It would be easier if they were all dogs, but that's not real. Some of them are sweet, many of them are accomplished and they all are SO damned good looking. Why can't I score? Maybe it's me. I have made TOO many mistakes and there are some moments I will never get back... moments I will regret for the rest of my life... and the one that is stealing an abundance of my thoughts is MLK weekend of 2006- tricky!?!? I'd say yes! I choose Polaris over him... never again!

All I can say is that I miss seeing his face, that was enough for me.

Never Let Grass Grow Under Your Feet

Men, will tell you what you want to hear & us women let em think that we are buying it/

But each time the one we love tells us another lie, we seem to die a bit.

And at some point we become so damned cold and our feelings are nonexistent.

Then male friends look @ us as "1 of the boys" & talk unedited in front of us because we seem resistant

But the truth is, we still are women, but we are just a different breed.

We stopped judging books by the cover and we take the time to read

Because a pretty man pretty much is full of shit and we already know the deal

Even when he is telling us lie, all we hear coming out of his mouth is the real

No more praying that WE CAN CHANGE him, no more feeling like an ass

because we won't stand there long for there to be any grass

Growing under our feet, we don't waste time, we keep it moving.

No matter how sad we've been we make sure we focus on the goals we're pursuing
Because there was a time when I use to stand still and wish someone would stand still with me
But he ran after his dreams and fulFILLed them while I was left empty-
Handed, but Yahweh granted my wish and gave me a second chance
He took me off the wall and made me get out on the floor and dance
No more setting up shop, no more letting the grass grow
In order to see those snakes wondering round the lawn we gotta keep that grass low
And this is more than me coming home drunk in the middle of the night and attempting to get poetic
This is advice Miss Val gave to me last year from a motherly perspective
If a 46 year old woman who has seen it all gives me a word- though I am half her age- I am wise enough to take heed
2007 was the last year I ever let grass grow under my feet

Insomnia

For some reason, I just can not sleep. I don't know what's missing in my life or what I have too much of, but something is wrong.

I don't have much to say today. Things in life are going along pretty steadily and I don't have any cause for complaints. For some reason, school is hard as ever and I am starting to realize that I shouldn't have taken such a long break. My commitment to school is horrible right now. I don't want to read a thing because I can hardly see and I don't have insurance right now so I can't even get glasses. I just need some motivation.

Cast Down, but Not Destroyed

HUMBLE, sometimes it's hard. I am trying very hard to become a better person. The more I try, the more I realize how fake my life was before. Chasing niggas who would not give me a chance. Hanging around chicks who really didn't have any love for me. Being true to my family because "blood is thicker than water" but somehow in the midst of everything my family did me dirty (Kim & Nikki). I am done with that portion of my life.

I am trying to love hard. I want to be the lover I have always been, the kind that will give all of me. I am not talking about sex. I am talking about being a lover. A lover to my family, a lover to my friends, a lover to myself.

I was down on myself for a long time because I really didn't know who I was. I am thankful that Yahweh has finally brought me to the point where the old me is gone but the new me is better than ever.

I am doing what I have to do now, so that my life will be the best it can be in the future. I just want it to be better for my kids. I don't want my kids to blame me. I don't want my kids to question how much I love them--or if I love them at all. I want my kids to look back and be able to recognize all I did for them, all my sacrifices and all my pain. I don't want them to worship me for it, I don't want them to show me thanks or to think they owe me anything, I just want them to do the same if not better for their kids. I lived a large portion of my life in uncertainty and I am sick of it. I want stability. I want to come home to someone. I want someone to talk to. I have a lot to get off my chest and I mean A LOT!!! I am kind of feeling that if I don't get this shit out of my system- it might destroy me...

Appreciation

I was talking to my Boogie today who is WORLDS away right now. It made me think about how we first met (the circumstances were a little rocky), and how far we have come. I had a lot of opinions about her that I never shared, but today I realized- that she is a real cool person. I guess that is not what I really mean, I more mean- she is a real cool person to have in my life. I am not interested in mending broken friendships or creating new ones. I just want to focus on making the relationships I have with people NOW more real. I can not wait for Mrs. Dials to move back from the states from France because I plan on being a better friends!

I got to talk to a lot of my people today. B. Smith came to visit the new apartment this morning, then Dutch asked me out to eat. We tried to get chicken & waffles @ Linden Cafe' but those mo fos wouldn't let us in, lol. Somewhere in it all Q. showed up too. So instead, we went to Eddie George's, then to Cold Stone and ultimately to Drexel to see Cloverfield. All I can say is it was good times. I love these kind of unexpected days. Were lunch turns into an affair. I love Dutch and Q. so much. Having acquaintances like them is a breath of fresh air, especially days like these when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders...

I am just learning to appreciate the little things in life more. This is what life is all about. Sometimes you can get SO wrapped up in the trivial bullshit that you miss the BIG picture!

Today is the day that I completely finished unpacking. I went through my junk trunk- you know, that trunk with all the shit in it that you don't want to throw away, but you have no idea what to do with it...

extension cords
old cell phones
old house phones
CDs
birthday/ valentine's day cards
love letters
magazines with Kanye West on the front (come on- everyone has those right?)
artwork from Mr Culiver's 6th grade art class
etc.

I started reading this old letter Maize & Blue sent me when I was living in the dorms. It was a letter he sent after he aparently proposed to me? Which, I don't remember to well. It's just funny to see how much things change over the years. It's funny to see it written down in front of me (NOT typed). I think it makes the lies even more catostrophic. But life is what you make it.
He's with her now and I am with him now. Life goes on.

I am just grateful about how far Yahweh has brought me. I am so in love with the gospel and I am so in love with the life he has given me. I am appreciative for the people he has brought into my life and I am more appreciative for the people he has kept in my life. There is a time and place for everything. Everything has an expiration date- including relationships/ friendships. My only prayer is that Yahweh doesn't let these friends I have expire or this relationship I have either. If he does, I will still appreciate the plan he has made for me.

Oh Saint Valentines

I am trying to figure out what the hay to get Daniel for Valentine's Day. I guess it will come to me, but I did find another card with chemists on the front! I keep out doing myself. I am pretty sure I am going to keep it simple this year. I may just back his fav MACADAMIAN nut cookies and over night them to him. I got my parents, Elise & Emeri card with gift cards so they can go out to dinner. I don't know what I am going to send to my little Thanum??? I want to get Erin this cute ass Buckeye jewelry we saw during Gallery Hop in some boutique on High St. but it's going to be a bitch finding WHICH store it was. I got Derrick a cute card that sing "Who Let The Dawgs Out," seeing that he is THE official Browns fan, I am sure he will like it (hope his wife doesn't mind). Got Ro a card and Polaris as well. I got Howard a card too- I am thinking about gettin him the "Mo Money Mo Bitches" shit from Urban Outfitters- but I have to see what my cash is looking like.

Every year I plan to send more and more gifts to people on Valentine's. It's funny that I somehow end up alone and giftless, but atleast I know the people I l ove the most weren't empty handed. It amazing to find out how many people never get gifts... thats inclusive to Valentine's, X-Mas and birthdays. I think that is total bullshit. I remember I got Big Time a shredder and The Coldest Winter ever for father's day last year. He said that was his first time ever recieving a father's day gift (his daughter is 9). Looking back, I wish I hadn't wasted my damned money on his, but at the time- it was the right thing to do. He is someone I care about- and for some reason (unbeknowst to me now) I thought he cared about me too.

Anywho- it's been a wreck finding out people's addresses on the sly without them expecting anything. There are actually a couple guys I wouldn't mind sending a card, but I can't bring myself to ask them for their info. It's funny how easy it is for me to go from a nice girl to a stalker in somebody's eyes. It's like, you ask one wrong question- and you become the official stalkers. You can't say, "hey, I don't want to stalk you, I just wanted to send you a card!" They'll never believe that.

I don't know how things are going to turn out a week from today. I may end up here on the couch sipping wine watching the fire alone, or cupid might shoot me AND I'M BACK! (get it? Fergie?)

I Call A Spade A Spade, PERIOD!

SAY IT AIN'T SO! Nah, it is so- it was ALL a lie as I suspected. Maize & Blue is not married, it's all a front for the public. It's funny how much people will go through in order to make the outside of their house look pretty. Get a new roof, cut the grass, paint the shutters, trim the hedges... but inside their house it's all falling apart. The same can be of people. People do so much to appear normal, or to pretend that they're something they are not. He told me that he said he is married on his profile to satisfy someone else. Is that the satisfaction- everyone thinking you have something you don't? The funny thing is, there aren't enough newspaper articles, or NFL profiles that could claim you are his wife- when the fact remains, it's all a lie.

I sometimes think, what going to happen when it is "official"? The fact will still remain, that his heart isn't there. Now THIS is a memorial, something that will never change; his heart is with me.

I was talking to my girl last night about somethings. I asked her if I should call Maize & Blue and wish him well concerning tomorrow's Super Bowl, and she told me what I needed to hear, "NO!" I did make the call against my better judgement. When I talked to my other friend Sala this morning, she told me that the call was ok. She said that it was closure. I expressed how I am over the relationship- but I just hate the fact that this bitch is reaping all the benefits, while she has always been nothing more than a jump- off. How convienent for her to get pregnant less that a month before her get signed. CO-INK-A-DINK? I think not! Sala just mentioned that he can't be THAT stupid to think that old-girl is real! I guess I'll never know.

Unexpected TURNS

Life is f'ing crazy. I don't know what to think from one day to the next. Sometimes I think I have it all figured out, or I think I have made my final decision on something- then I renege. It's crazy. Life that is, the subconscious can bring out so many unresolved feelings. Feelings for people you just KNEW you were over and done with. Months ago, I was laughing because it seemed obvious to me that Maize & Blue still had feelings. I am not finding- that I have feelings too. I don't know exactly what these feelings mean, but they are certainly there. I guess the tables are TURNing on me. Ha- ha, funny how the tables turn... turn... turn... (Monica). Sometimes closure is best.

I am trying to be a better person this year. My new year's resolution was to "love people more than people hate me." What a task for a person who has so many haters. I am just trying to be a better person, a better adult, a better woman. I am buying smart book. I am biting my tongue. I am building better relationships with my friends and acquaintances. I am taking care of business.

I got laid off from Delphi and they finally decided to send me my severance pay two weeks ago. I have been spending ever since. Not too reckless, but I bought the $200 Robin's Jeans that were sold out everywhere & I FINALLY found in my size. I moved Saturday after someone was killed in the apt next to me, so the unexpected move cost a pretty PENNY. I paid off all my credit card debt! YAY! I started school & paid out of pocket. I am just making moves to make my life better. Sheesh, it's 7:37 and I gotta meet Ms Crews @ Bar Louie @ 8:30. Off to curl my hair and get dressed. Damn, I need to start writing in this blog more!

Rest In Peace To All The Chick DYING To Be Me

It's crazy how many people look you in the eyes and smile in your face day to day, while they are secretly plotting your demise. But what's even crazier is when you already see it coming. I feel like lately a lot of what I have been writing in this blog has been bubble gum and bullshit, but even if this doesn't read well (easy- read) and even though it may seem a little scatter brained... this is straight from the heart.

I am so sick of tired of having my guard up; never knowing when someone I THINK is my friend will swing that fatal blow. There are so many men I have adored, but I just CAN'T trust them. There have been so many funny, and talented females I just could never get too close too, because you never know if a bitch is sincere or jealous. Jealousy is the worse thing a female can thrive off of. When a female is jealous, she get delusional. She can't let go. She ever starts to get obsessed about thing that aren't even true. Something leads her to believe that he subject is either super happy or super sad, while all along most people are just fine... OK, at this point I AM babbling and getting off of my point.

From the top, I am just sick and tired of being on the defense. When am I going to have someone in my life who removes all doubts. Someone who I can really relax around! Someone I can open up to, because having so much bottled up and ALWAYS on your mind is not healthy. I use to talk to Derrick a lot- even Howard. But people get older and grow apart. No chance that I will ever have anyone in my life who can replace what they've been to me, but it's time for me to grow up and stop having these "best friends" as stand ins for what is really missing in my life.

For a while now there a few guys who I have taken a liking to. 3 of the guys are in Grad school (Boston, Justice & IDMR) but I guess I need to stop wasting interest in men who aren't interested in me. I mean, I completely understand being focused, but any and everyone can risk a five minute conversation to show they care and I can't even get that once a month. Then there is my homie in Houston- which is basically the largest problem, he is SO FAR AWAY! I just don't know what to do about my love life.

I keep holding on to men that I do not matter to. I am too scared to move on, I feel almost like it's a risk. That AS SOON AS I find someone else, they're going to all of a sudden become available. But really, who am I joking?

I am really happy about the woman I am becoming, but at the same time I KNOW that I deserve a solid and loyal friend-base. I'm sick of other people being unhappy with themselves and taking it out on me. Is it so hard to be a friend and be happy for someone else? I don't get that. Why do my female friends always start off so cool then in up hating me and hating on me. I mean I guess they do both. Can you hate on someone without hating them? I guess that like killing someone without being a killer? Or better yet lying without being a liar. Then you have people who say shit like, "Oh, I use to lie, but I changed, I stopped lying. I'm not a liar anymore." But seriously, that's not trill! That's said with the same conviction of someone saying, "Oh, I once murdered someone, but that was last week. I stopped murdering people. I'm not a murderer!" BULLSHIT! If you murder once you'll always be a murderer, I you lie once you'll always be a liar, If you kill once you'll always be a killer, if you hate on me ONCE you'll always hate me! That really what I believe. I hate things, but I don't hate people. I may get mad and wrapped up in the heat of the moment, but I can honestly say- I don't even really dislike anyone. I just move on.

I'm the chick you LOVE to HATE. Paradox, huh? Well check THIS one out. I'm that chick you are DYING to LIVE like. Get it? Move on...

ACID

You know that feeling you get in your throat? Everyone has been there... when they've vomited SO much that there is nothing left in your stomach but yellow bile. Bile- you know, the liquid shit (not saliva) that helps break your food down? Well, you know when there is nothing left to vomit but BILE and it burns your throat- and your lips even, when it comes out? Well, that's the only thing I can think of to explain how I feel when I speak her name. I fell like the air I am using to pronounce each vowel and consonant is ACID! I hate her name.

I don't just hate the way it sounds, I hate what it represents- PAIN! No pleasure, just pain. Friendships can have you blind sided. It's the ones closest to you that you have to watch the most. This is life

Pulchritudinous

It's ironic that you can call a woman beautiful, but if you use the same word to describe a man- it's almost offensive. But, what if their is no better word to describe him. What if words can't describe. Man, his heart has so much vacancy when it comes to me- but my feelings for him are infinite. What makes everything about the situation strange and crazy is the fact that I can't even say I know this man!

He won't let me in. No matter how many years pass and how many of our mutual friends I have "put in a good word".... he remains loyal. But he is so proper, so decent, so wonderful- JUST beautiful to me.

The world is in need of men with substance. Men who are interested in more than beat making and rhyming. No, I am not knocking beat making or rhyming (because I like to think of myself as a lyricist), but he has more. He is more than smarts. His beauty is limitless. It's easy to find a talented Black man, because most Black men are talented. It's nice to find and intelligent Black man who has the patience to have book smarts also. It's even better to find a man who is easy on the eyes. But to find a man with all three (you know what they say about good things coming in threes), is basically impossible in 2007. Well, not really impossible. But I can tell you what is impossible... for a man with that much to see the same in me. I sometimes wonder, what would it take for him to see in me what I see in him? Am I going to start singing Casey Chambers? Naw! But.... "Am I not pretty enough?" Or am I not light enough? Do I not hold his interest? Am I not on his level? What is it? I am thick skinned enough to know the truth.

Well, the truth about it from my end is that I want to be friends. Friends who speak on the regular, not just in passing. Friends who visit, friends who share each others company.

I met Justice back in 2001 and I will never forget. I was visiting his room mate, but when I saw him- I never wanted to talk to his room mate again. When I saw him, I saw beauty. I will never forget that moment... the first time I saw him. I have that moment reoccurring in my head every time I see his profile picture on facebook. And every time, it ends the same... with me recognizing beauty and never getting to touch his face, breath his air, be in his heart.

Thats the sad thing about this 6th sense of mine. It's cool to be able to see beauty... to see love, but sometimes I think I'd be better off not knowing it was their. Sometime ignorance is a blessing. If you never knew you had a chance, if you never knew it was there- you would never miss it when it's gone. Damn

GLAD

It's funny how much one can think they're grown up (mentally, physically, spiritually) but then tomorrow uncovers a new enlighting which makes it obvious that the growing has just begun!

I use to think I knew what I wanted out of a man. I use to think that I knew what I wanted out of "friends" (I use that term lightly). I use to think I knew what I wanted out of family. I now know what I need to get out of myself FIRST. Being self sufficient is this best gift one could ever have! When you are truly happy with yourself, no one can stop your stride. You seem to make the best of ever situation and find the beauty in every person and everything. I was recently listening to an Alicia Keys song and she made the comment about life being "bitter sweet... sure tastes good to me." She then went on to say, "don't you rain on my parade." It's so crazy that people can get wrapped up into negativity instead of making the best out of a situation. It's even crazier that people feel just because they can't find happiness out of something that everyone should feel the same?

All I can say is that I am GLAD. I am glad about a lot of things in my life and a lot of things that Yahweh has kept out of my life. I am glad that I mended friendships with Charisse and Mykl; over reacting and taking things too personally can cause one's judgment to be empaired. Everyone can not do everything you want them to on your time table. Love is hard and frienship are harder, but when you keet working at them, they're impossible to break! I am also Glad that facebook hasn't found a spy link like blackplanet, myspace, aim, etc. because then a certain someone would see how many times I've logged on to his page, just thinking, just wishing, just hoping that one day I will be GLAD about him too.

Are My Illusions Turning Into Delusions?

Ok, so I think it was Andre 3000 who recently said, "If You Say Real Talk I Probably Wont Trust Ya ." Now all of a sudden, when I say, "Real talk" to Boston he starts this whole uproar about how someone who says real talk, don't mean shit to him. So, what are you saying really? It sounds to me that you are saying what I have to say doesn't mean shit to you because it was prefaced by the infamous, "real talk." Could it be that maybe the real talk is, you don't have a mind of your own. Were you making these same uproars before Andre 3000 dropped that verse, or are you like the rest of the "band" waggon jumpers?

My girl Sorinna once made a joke about Jay- Z. She said that now since Jay is dressing preppy and getting his, "grown man on" all of a sudden niggas are stepping their game up too. It's like, Jay- Z is God. Anything he does and says, niggas follow. She then made the comment that when Jay decides to marry Beyonce', there is going to be a lot of shot gun weddings that follow- kind of like the Baby Boom, Jay- Z is going to start a movement/ era. It is a bit sickening that men do not have a mind of their own!

I now have another saying("real talk") that I can not use in basic conversation with NIGGAS (and when I say niggas, I don't mean that in a nice way). It's a shame, that I cannot be judged on my past behavior. I have never lied to you, I have never mislead you- but because you follow the religious doctrine of Hip- Hop stars you are basically calling me a liar and disrespecting me?

Lindsay was using the term Ludacris way before if referred to a lyricist. I was greeting people with Shalom well before it referred to a super model. I liked rainbows and colors entirely before it became perverted by the gay community. So, should I all of a sudden alter my likes because of what someone else thinks, says or applies? I think not!

It's one thing for the deception to be there, it's another thing to believe the deception presented to you. Ludicrous still means crazy, Shalom still means peace, rainbows still mean comfort at the end of the storm- and when I say, "real talk," I mean REAL TALK!!!

On My Grind

I don't have much to say other than I am intensely on my grind. I've been saving money and evaluating me future. What do I really want to do with my life? First and foremost I want to rid myself of losers, get my degree and look towards law school, finish my first novel and stack my paper. This all consists of dedication and falling back- maybe even falling off. I am so sick of people hating on me- so my policy is out of sight out of mind! I am going out this weekend with my sister and my girl I graduated with Talon (who just moved to CO), but after that, I'm done for a while. What's a while? DECEMBER!!! It's going to be hard but I have business to take care of.

I desperately need to lose 10 lbs and tone, I definitely need to save a few g's before the year is over and most importantly I want to get my education finalized so that I can move the heck away from Columbus and start promoting my book and more specifically my life!

I can't sit around thinking about what bitches think of me. I can't sit around being unhappy like everyone wants me to be. All I can do is "keep it moving!" Progression and nothing else. Grinding and nothing else. Living and nothing else.

Nikki- Rosa

Childhood remembrances are always a drag if you're Black
You always remember things like living in Woodlawn with no inside toilet
And if you become famous or something...
They never talk about how happy you were to have your mother all to yourself and
How good the water felt when you got your bath from one of those big tubs that folk in Chicago barbecue in
And somehow when you talk about home
It never get across how much you understood their feelings as the whole family attended meetings about Hollydale
And even though you remember, your biographers never understand your father's pain as he sells his stock and another dream goes
And though you're poor it isn't poverty that concerns you
And though they fought a lot, it isn't your father's drinking that makes any difference
But only that everybody is together and you and your sister have happy birthdays and very good christmasses
And I really hope no white person ever has cause to write about me because they never understand BLACK LOVE IS BLACK WEALTH
And they'll probably talk about my hard childhood and never understand that all the while I was quite happy.

This is hands down my favorite piece ever written. Entitled Nikki-Rosa by THE Nikki Giovanni. She is the epitome of what I wish to do as a writer- as an artist!

Grateful

So, I didn't die! Even though I am in a bit of pain (a lot mor than a lead my family to believe), the surgery was beyond successful and I didn't have to loose any vital organs like my doctors predicted! I learned many valuable lessons this weekend. I learned that my family means so much more to me than I ever thought! I love them with all my heart. I learned that watching a 11 month old child suffer is one of the most painful frets possible. I learned that a friend is a friends and you should not hold one with higher esteem than the other, and just because someone isn't THE BEST friends (or doesn't hold that label) does not necessarily mean that they care for you any less ( I love you Howard). I just basically learned that life is never what is expected. Happiness changes and no matter how set you get in your ways Yahweh can change you at any moment... just hope that it's for the better.

If You Had TWENTY FOUR Hours To Live....

"If you had 24 hours to live, just think- where would you go, what would you do, who would you screw, and who would you wanna notify? Or would your ass deny that yo ass about to die?

Man Puff, I mean Diddy, that IS some deep shit. If you had 24 hours to live and you knew- what would you do? Man, it's crazy, but more than anything I would just try to prepare my close loved ones. Lol, I would do laundry, sort through old mail and papers, erase files on my computer that are less than sanitary, and get rid of any baggage that would be bring pain to my family. You see most people who go tell that ONE person how much they really loved them, or go hit up the ONE person who played the shit out of them, but me- I would play it differently. That would be a waste of time, because in the end- the person you loved for so long would only feel guilt and the person you just killed that you hated so much would send you to HELL for murder- and meet you there and that would be their satisfaction... because not only did they hurt you in your present life, but they ruined your after life too. I guess what I am saying is, that if I knew I was going to die tomorrow- I would just let shit go and pay most attention to the people who love me and are going to suffer the most because of my death.

My biggest regret would not be never graduating, but never finishing my novel. I would hate to know that the world is going to go on with out knowing this explosive story I have in my head. I guess that is damn near my ONLY regret because I never really went through life saying, I wish I would have said, or I should have just said.... majorly everything I ever wanted to say- I did. I guess I can thank my lack of tact for that one, but it caused me drama, but also allowed me to be free. When you always have things on your mind... times in space that you can't get back and you wish you would have said what you really think- that can eat you alive.

But on some REAL, if I really did have 24 hours to live, I would go buy some Christian Louboutins, go out to eat with my immediate family plus Ethan and Derrick.... Watch Sex and The City episode "Change Of A Dress," Menace To Society... Write a poem... and be praising Yahweh all the while.

Los Angeles, California- My Mecca, Praise my father, Charge It To The Game, Big Time and NO!

Prepare For The Worst & Hope For The Best & The Rest IS Written

Layzie had something going when he made that statement. I'm not mad at all, I am just learning to brace myself for what could happen. Never leave your guard down, because in that moment Satan will strike. For once in my life I am going to stop doing what looks right and start doing what's good for me.

People love to see you down, and what is even more outrageous about that is, people love to kick you when you're down. Rebuttal? Revenge? Let it go and continue to succeed in your own life, because THAT hurts them much more than any physical strife of emotional words you could ever cast upon them (haters). People can say what they want to say about my attitude and I don't mind. It's funny that people are so quick to judge even when they're in the midst of their own failures. They are so quick to BLINDLY point the finger, when they have no idea where you come from or what you've been through. So, the ignorance is theirs not yours. Let them own it!

I love my attitude, because I understand who I AM! I AM rough around the edges and I am perfect because everything Yahweh touches couldn't be anything less. I sometimes wonder, "why do I question myself?" I question myself because of everyone else's OPINION of me. If I am happy with myself inside and out, why do I even CONSIDER changing something about myself to appeal to someone else? Why? To make them happy? Chances are, no matter how much I change they will still find something wrong! My boy Romero once mentioned to me that the little things about a person that bother you in the beginning are those same things that cause destruction in the end. You can't please everyone, so why not please yourself?

Everything has been preordained by Yahweh, so why are we trying to go against the grain? These are a lot of questions I am posing, but why do we do the things we do...why do we beat ourselves up for things that are already done (both past and future--already DONE), when we have no control over it? Why not just sit back and relax while "this giant Japanese Fan" is unfolding!

I am going to continue to better mysql in which ever way Yahweh allows me. I know when I am DOWN, that is NOT the end but, I need to start bracing myself for the pain from the people who are going to kick me when I'm DOWN. And once I finally get up from being down and being kicked while being down, I will know that if Yahweh allows my leg to be broken, He will teach me how to limp. Why cry over spilled milk anyway? It's already written!

He's Gonna Miss Me When I'm GONE; Je Suis Désolé

Ok, so if there were ever a day to sit at home, drink a stiff martini and listen to the play list entitled "sad songs," THIS would be THAT day! Big revelations from Big Time today and once again for the 3rd time in my love life am I feeling the same way. It happened with Polaris in 2005- Aby in 2006- now Big Time in 2007 and you can bet your last dollar that three times is a charm! Never again! NEVER!

It's a hard thing to realize that you mean absolutely NOTHING to a person who you held in such high esteem. Crazy in fact. But, that is the way life is- full of learning experiences. I am hurt. But not the same way I was hurt by Polaris or Aby- but it's a deeper wound. When I sat on the other end of the phone and listened to his confession and blatant disregard to my heart- I did cry. But then, just as it started- IT ENDED. I think maybe I am all cried out. It's sad to say but, I am becoming immune to heart break. I guess I am becoming heartless and my attitude is reflecting this everyday. Fall outs and misunderstanding are all being blown out of proportion- basically because I just don't give a fuck! Who would have ever thought? I've never been in love- and there is a reason why.



Thought I had a love, but I was kidding myself/
By the time I learned the truth about it, he was sleeping with someone else/
~Isley Brothers


I guess when something is over, Yahweh makes sure it is good and over. All I can say is that it may not be tonight and it may not be tomorrow, but he is gonna miss me!


If you don't know, now you know you're gonna miss MY LOVE/
And I ain't worried bout a dog on thing, because I was true when I gave you MY LOVE/
If you search you will never find another love like MY LOVE/
You're gonna miss me, I ain't got time while you sit around and play with MY LOVE/
~Destiny's Child


All I could continue to say in response to his revelation was, "I'm Sorry!" Over and over again. That's all I could say. I wasn't apologizing to him though; I was apologizing to myself- once again. I KEEP doing this to myself. I KEEP doing it. At least this time I have some closure- even though I am hurt beyond matter- I was not left in the dark like with Sean Coffey. I will not go on the rest of my life wondering what happened, but I can bet that one day and one day SOON Big Time is going to look up and think about me.... wonder where I am, but it will be too late and he will just be unhappy. It's times like this that I just can not wait for this transfer to come through from New York. Yea, I am leaving this city with unfinished business because I still haven't completed my undergraduate studies- BUT FUCK A DEGREE, I need to breath. A new job, new experience in a new state and a new state of mind. NEW YORK it is.

I'm just sorry I let this happen to me again. Je suis desole.

Opinions

Between the "Honesty Box" on facebook, and real live e-mail from ex-friends, I am finding that people have a lot of fucked up opinions about me . I can't quite say that I give a damn, but it's interesting to know. I have some men sending me poetry in my honesty box, while others are saying, "you have a foul ass attitude." Okay, what am I supposed to say to that? Sorry? How about, HELL NO!I love my attitude. Most times it's misunderstood, but that's just fine by me! If someone isn't willing to find out why I have an attitude, or if I am just joking or being serious- then FUCK EM'.... Fuck em' girl, fuck em', fuck em' girl, fuck em (spoken in Martin Lawrence's voice, lol)

So, I fell out with an acquaintance. Well, let me not even call it a fall out, I made a conscious decision to stop hanging around the bitch and she got mad. So she then basically has her friend write in my honesty box. Number one I have only met her friend two times, and numbers two the fat bitch doesn't know shit about me! She writes me talking so much shit about how I am not living right- about how I am unhappy, angry and bitter- about how God does not love me- just basically talking a whole lot of bull shit. The whole time I was reading what she had to say about me I was thinking, "you're nothing but one of the fat unhappy girls who eats ice cream next to a box of Kleenex every Friday night. Sheesh! You have a bastard who's father won't even drive in state to see him, GOSH! You have a boyfriends who steals your car and beats the fuck out of you!" Quite honestly the GIRL is in no position to judge my life at all!!!

Then the ex-friend in question decides to write me like a four page e-mail tonight. Again, I ask- why are you bitches even contacting me. I am the one who is hateful. I am the one who God dislike. I am the one who is "uber angry, bitter and unhappy" yet you bitches are the ones who continue to write me e-mails day in and day out? Something is wrong with this picture. It seems that maybe they are the ones who are jealous of me- and all these "opinions" are- are diversions from the truth. The truth is that these bitches have nothing better to do with their damned time then write me e-mails and try to make me feel insecure about my own life.

It's hilarious when people try to take weaknesses that the THINK you have to make your feel bad about yourself. The fact that I am cute, I can dress, I have a great job and I am not a hoe- did not make it easy for these losers to come up with some dirt on me- but the only thing they had to fall back on is the fact that I am 24 with NO DEGREE, lol. Day in and day out for the last 3 days that is all they keep bringing up. That they are 23 with A degree and I am 24 and haven't completed mines. I guess in doing this they thought they would get under my skin, but little do they know that I could NOT give a damn about having my degree right now! I am more focused in staying at Delphi so they can play my students loans off with this bonus. After I am debt free, I will enter in the tuition assistance program and let them pay for my senior year. Then what will these inferior bitches have to say? While the one is living back in Maryland with her strict parent because her CVS job can't pay the bills and the other is trying to supposed her bastard, I will be living it up properly. Ok... Erin interrupted me & now that we're finished talking- I am tired and it's time for beddy bye!

Longevity DOES NOT Equal Loyalty!!!

I find it funny that people can't seem to grasp a hold of the concept that EVERYONE is not their friend. One can not count on just any and everybody, but we should be just as selective of who we choose as friends as who we choose as our God. Now see, I believe in Yahweh. I never let any preacher or church tell me what is right or wrong, but I did MY OWN detailed investigation. I looked up the names I worship under, I read the bible versus for MYSELF and I let YAHWEH interpret them for me! I don't count on any man's version or take on what GOD meant when he said this and what GOD meant when he said that. I choose GOD- not a man. I only find myself being a worthy servant because a worth El found me!

Friends, I take them for what they are worth. Most times, I don't trust them. I always wonder what their motive is and whether I have HEARD good or bad about their past- I find out about them for MYSELF- on my own. I don't go on he say she say. I don't go on rumors, I go solely on what that person has proven to be to me. I am one of the lucky ones, because YAHWEH has blessed me with the power to realize that just because you have known a person for a LONG time, just because they have been in your life for a LONG time, just because you considered them your friend for such a LONG time, just because you've been in a relationship with a person for a LONG time , (etc.) does not mean they are loyal to you. In many cases, this longevity just means that the person is determined to stick it out until your demise!

I have friends, and I have met friends of friends... I know SO many people who talk badly and just plain old satanically behind their friends' backs (both male and females) that it has made me conclude... that if THAT is friendship, I don't want any parts of it. I would never want a friends that didn't like me, or one whom had a problem and didn't feel woman enough or comfortable coming to me and discussing it!

Some people I have fallen out with upon meeting them... then there are the others. The ones I spent weekends with, went to the club with them. There are the ones who I went out to dinner with- then to a movie. There are the ones I spent hours on the phone conversing with and every longer times spoken through texts. There are the ones who I have many pictures with- many moments with. There are the ones I shared "inside jokes" with. There are the ones out there who in spite of the phoniness in the world- I was really naive enough to think they were my REAL friends, because I'd like to think that someone wouldn't spend SO much time with me- so LONG time with me.... all along hating me and never wishing me well! Couldn't be! But Tha Truth is, longevity does not equal loyalty!

Quarantine

Man, it's funny how bitches front. You can see them everyday 1-on-1 at work and they won't say shit to you. But, as soon as they're with their girls- oh they wanna play the "tough guy" role. It's cool though, it's all good. See, this is why I fall back. Another"First Fridays" showed me something- bitches LOVE to HATE. See me... I was just there chilling, looking fine- sipping wine. While, Jameeka was with her girls pointing me out- HA! Look, it's simple- if you really want to get at someone there is no need for shit talking, bust a move. I will never fear another bitch, especially one I use to roll with. The fact that bitches to take the time to think about is that I know what type of person they are. If I kicked it with you numerous time and all you did was sit back and talk shit about other bitches, never making a move- I know you're all GIRL TALK and no GIRL ACTION! Doesn't take a rocket scientist. Then, there are girls like Romique- Darielle- even my cold blooded Asian Lisa who I have witnessed getting their down and dirty on. Now, if I had beef with one of them- I wouldn't expect shit talking because I know they are real bitches and they hold their shit down. This is probably why I have never fallen out with any of the 3. But, these other bitches can spare me! Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I can beat everyone, but I will never fear a chick that breaths them same air as me. Shit, we all bleed once a month- so what are you going to do to me that I can't come right back and do to you. Jump me? Null.... Kick dents into my passenger door? Void! Stop it! I never underestimate another chick, but they damn for sure underestimate me. But that's fine, b/c I will surprise 'em.

All the drama.... this is why I been on some ol' quarantine falling way back shit. Laying low and staying low, lol. Bitches love to hate, people love to see the other man fail.

"First Fridays" last night also taught me another valuable lesson, sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder. When people haven't seen you in a while I see it bring out a lot of feelings...

And, for the finale of last night, it was hilarious to watch this one bitch put on a show for me because she thinks I want her boyfriend! First and foremost her man was the one continually sending waves at me from across the dance floor. He was the one who came and posted up 6 inches (or less? literally) behind me. When she saw that shit, I saw the fire in her eyes! She was hot! Then all of a sudden she put on an Oscar winning performance. Did a Gail Diver's 100 yard dash over in our direction, then felt a need to caress and back it up on him like she was Ciara with 50, lol. I could have died with laughter, but I didn't because, I knew it was an act. Just like I know if I would have called her man last night, he would have been in my bed not hers. Just like I know he someone how decided to leave the party when I was leaving the party. Just like I know, he was tailing me and my girls with his car while we were walking to mines. Just like I know, he will ALWAYS desire because niggas always want what they can't have! Lucky for his bitch, I am a lady. And lucky for other niggas bitches, I am falling back on some old quarantine type shit, otherwise I'd be out every weekend throwing a monkey wrench into bitches plans!

You Think You Know? Well, You Couldn't Be Farther From THA TRUTH!!!

Life is a bitch and then you die! Or, you decide to make a change. Change in diet, change in looks, change of address??? No matter what you alter, if you decide to make a change for the better- you're on top of THE game! Sometimes it may look as if one is quitting, but the reality is- is that they're changing their game plan.

Right now I am kind of lost in my direction. I am sick of tired of people judging me and my life and furthermore I am done explaining me decisions. I am leaving all my doom or success in Yahweh's hand because I don't know what else to do. Being too SCARED to go to the doctor? That's never been me. Worrying about money and it being my only objective? That's never been me. Giving a damn about a man who couldn't care less about me and thinks the Sun rises and set upon his ass? That's never been me. I am definitely changing.

What do you do when you do everything right- eat- exercise- etc. and you're STILL sick? What do you do when you cut your leisure spending in half and pay all your bills upfront yet you're still plagued by money issues? What do you do when a man basically tells you he loves you and you're the only female he trust (even ON TOP of his mom) and you can't even get him to answer your calls or return your texts? Smile?

It's funny how people judge. They talk about my "nasty attitude," "unappealing persona" and even the "mean mug," but most times when I hear that I want to reply... "if you think the looks on my face is bad you should see what's going on inside my head!" Man, I am going through it! My heart is so heavy right now- I can't even explain it. Something is always going on, I don't even have time to re cooperate before another thing happens, or time to ruminate before another thought rapes me! Blind sided and overwhelmed!

If one knew what I came from. If one could have a glimpse of what I've been through. If one would on take the time to imagine that there is a reason I am the way that I am- maybe I wouldn't seem so bad. I am down right now and these walls are SO familiar. No one to talk to- not sure what to think.... all too familiar. Yea, I could call my mom- she went through it a few years back. I even talked with a couple of my female co workers who went through it too, but no one really understands what I am going through. I wasn't in my 50's, 40's, 30's.... GOD I am only 24! I am a baby! No one understands me! I could call Derrick... but what good would it really do me other than feeling like a charity case? The only one who could ever and does understand me- he was THE FIRST I went to; Yahshua. I am leaving them there.