Thinking...

Men are my weakness. Everyday I start to think about one of them that I wrote off in my past. Today it's Aby. I miss him. I always find time to miss them all. Maybe it's because I am alone now, so I have nothing better to do than sit around and ponder. I always wonder... "what could have been?" Too many questions gone unanswered. My life has become almost tragic. It's funny how much of my time is spent thinking about that past, but the smartest question I could ask myself is, "do they ever think about me? If they knew this blog existed, would they read it?" But, I wouldn't dare ask myself those questions in fear of what the answers that pop up in my head would be. Sometimes answering a question of yourself is much harder than asking the question.

Anywho, I got to thinking about Aby today and how he is worlds away. Not just physically, Aby is on a whole other level of life than where I am (as most of the incredible men I let pass me by are). He is a kid in many ways, but I sometimes wonder if I would have approached the situation differently, would it have turned out any different? Would I still be shit- faced and alone? Or would I be with a BIGGER BETTER man than my last? Would everybody look at us and wonder, "how the hell did that happen?" I wouldn't care, because no matter what people think or say, I would really care for him. I mean, I do really care for him. I haven't even seen him in over a year and I haven't talked to him in quite a while, but I wonder how I could get a hold of him now a days. It may be impossible. Or it could be just another one of those chances I will never get back.

I am trying to get back to the old me, you know, the me I was before Maize & Blue. I know I am reaching because that was 7 years ago, but I loved who I was. Back the if a man wasn't feeling me... wait a minute- I guess I never was one to take no for an answer, but I made the "no" work for me. If a man rejected me or didn't act the way I wanted him to, I moved on. I became a better woman so that they would look at me and see what they missed out on. These days it seems that I am just falling off more and more. So now, they look back and say, "Damn, I am glad I didn't fuck with her!" lol. With Ja, he ended up calling me my junior year trying to holler after he dogged me from the time we attended Kirk to day he graduated from Shaw. Now that was a fun situation. He made nothing out of his life, had a possible baby one the way (as if one were playing spades) and didn't know where he was headed, but yet expected me to STILL greet him with open arms? It never felt better to say, "nigga please!" It was the same feeling I had in 2001 when Charge It To The Game tried to humiliate me in the senior cafe. But then when I said, "I wouldn't be telling some bitch at Heights I'm going to prom with you because I am going with "Maize & Blue" (for the lack of better words, lol)" that killed him! I guess becoming a better woman and being with a better man always made me feel better, but I just haven't been able to pull that off these last couple of years.

Now, I am thinking about other ways of getting revenge. Scenario #1 Maize & Blue. I recently told Manida about the whole situation and if she were I, would she try to get back with him as revenge to the bitch he is with, you know- the bitch that "stole" him from me (by getting knocked up on purpose). Manida gave me the green light, but after I re-evaluated the situation, I didn't against. It's not worth losing myself over a nigga who is stuck with a bitch who could never and (even if she had the choice) would never love him the way that I did. He has to live with that.

Scenario # 2 revenge for some high school drama. So The Banana Bitch also know as ACID was one of my only friends from Kirk to Shaw. She was THE only person I let know the depth of my feelings for Charge It To The Game. To make the long story short, once he blew up our Senior year, she decided to go behind my back, turn him against me- fuck him, get knocked (though she had an abortion), etc. I.e. the end of our friendship. That who situation really ruined my senior year, it's a pivotal moment that really changed my life and I must admit I still carry some of the resentment with me to this day. To catch one up to speed, The Banana Bitch got knocked by another kid who we went to Shaw with. He has 3 other kids by 3 other chicks. What started out as a casual relationship, turned into the birth of a baby, which in the last couple weeks has now become a relationship. This is where it gets sticky... her new man aka baby daddy has started hitting me up regularly on myspace. We were never friends in real life, now he is showing certain interest. My question is, should I hook him in revenge? I WOULD SO LOVE TO. But, I guess it's not my style. Lucky for The Banana Bitch and her bastard, I don't get down like that. What she did to me, she will NEVER know... but in the end, I am a better woman because of it!