Good Advice

Conversing with Mustang a couple weeks ago made me realize a lot about myself. We've been dating for the past year, the last 6 months of which have been OFF. The conversation took place late night, after I left from celebrating Mykl's birthday at The Black Horse. After having a couple drinks which allowed me to muster up enough courage to hit him up, I stopped by and we chatted for a couple of hours. The good conversation reminded me of how much fun I use to have with him last summer. Sometimes, a good thing is missed as soon as it's gone, but then there are the other occasions when the realization of having missed something or someone all along doesn't creep up until you have them back. It's kind of similar to when a person doesn't realize how heavy their cravings are until they start eating, then after eating half a cow- one might say, "I didn't even realize I was that hungry!" That's how I was feeling while I was chilling with Mustang, but instead of expressing how hungry I was unaware... I said, "I really like you."After a pregnant pause, Mustang gave me an infuriating yet valid response. He asked me, "How could you possibly say you like me when we haven't talked in 6 months?" It would have been nice if he would have left it at that, but over the last two weeks, I just feel like I am in the dog house. It seems that he is trying to convince me to hate him. Sadly, this isn't an unfamiliar territory for me.

Why do men always zero in on the negative aspects of a situation? I once confided in Big Time, only for him to turn around and scold me for complaining! It's very seldom to run into a nigga who can realize, a woman only confides in people she feels she can trust. Her complaints shouldn't be magnified, but her efforts to be vulnerable enough to reveal shit that she normally wouldn't tell a soul should be appreciated. He should rejoice in the fact that she trusts him. Any other time men are complaining about NOT HAVING trust from a woman. But when a woman hands her trust out on a silver platter what does he do?

Then there is another nigga I am cool with who complains about the time I try to spend with him. Since he lives in Cleveland and my parents live in Cleveland he feels as if he shouldn't give me any of his time because I am not visiting Cleveland exclusively for him. He pitched his ridiculous OPINION at me for nearly 30 minutes, but then when he came to visit me in Columbus, with the claim of being here exclusively for me, he ditches me for his friend. COME ON! Can we spell H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E? To believe I dropped my plans on a beautiful Friday night for a nigga who hit me with the LIE that he was going to be in town for ONE NIGHT ONLY! Someone, a man especially, who is going to be in town for one night ONLY, does not pack for three days. The TRUTH is that he only PLANNED to spend one night with me. The TRUTH is that he was going to spend the other two days with his needy friend. The TRUTH is he is not man enough to call a spade a spade! Just keep it real, you want to bitch about me not being exclusive to you, but then you want to try and make me feel bad ALL THE WHILE you are doing the same thing? I may have a baby face, but I was not born yesterday. The anger didn't even hit me until he insulted me by coming back to my apt in the middle of the night when he knew I was drunk! WTF is that? He tried to disguise the whole ordeal with "concern" but on arrival tried to force me to kiss him? He didn't try to force me to talk to him. He didn't try to force comfort on me, he tried to kiss me, lol. COME ON! Niggas kill me! He couldn't appreciate that while I could spend all of my time in Cleveland with my family, I choose to try and get up with him. It took this whole bullshit weekend to confirm what I already knew. Niggas want to have their cake and eat it too. He's just like Big Time!

At the end of the night, I think about Mustang. I think about Big Time. I think about... did I ever give him a code name? Anyhow, I think about "him" too. I really start to ask myself, "Why do I like these guys?" They see right through me and CHOOSE to pick at the negative things. They choose to recognize my vulnerability and dub it NEGATIVITY when they are the ones being negative. These men, that I claim to like see me as a monster, so what should I view them as? I tell you what, I am done begging for acceptance. Last night I started erasing phones numbers and it was so liberating. The advice Mustang gave hurt me at the time, but after I had a moment to consider what he was saying, it all makes sense. How can I say I like him when I haven't talked to him in six month? I can't. Why do I like these niggas who are so unfair to me? I don't. I'm like Torvald in A Doll's House, "I've never loved them. I only thought it amusing to be in love with them." They like it, I LOVE IT! I'm done with arguing. I'm done with pleading my case. I just want a guy who is man enough to appreciate a real woman!