It's crazy how many people look you in the eyes and smile in your face day to day, while they are secretly plotting your demise. But what's even crazier is when you already see it coming. I feel like lately a lot of what I have been writing in this blog has been bubble gum and bullshit, but even if this doesn't read well (easy- read) and even though it may seem a little scatter brained... this is straight from the heart.
I am so sick of tired of having my guard up; never knowing when someone I THINK is my friend will swing that fatal blow. There are so many men I have adored, but I just CAN'T trust them. There have been so many funny, and talented females I just could never get too close too, because you never know if a bitch is sincere or jealous. Jealousy is the worse thing a female can thrive off of. When a female is jealous, she get delusional. She can't let go. She ever starts to get obsessed about thing that aren't even true. Something leads her to believe that he subject is either super happy or super sad, while all along most people are just fine... OK, at this point I AM babbling and getting off of my point.
From the top, I am just sick and tired of being on the defense. When am I going to have someone in my life who removes all doubts. Someone who I can really relax around! Someone I can open up to, because having so much bottled up and ALWAYS on your mind is not healthy. I use to talk to Derrick a lot- even Howard. But people get older and grow apart. No chance that I will ever have anyone in my life who can replace what they've been to me, but it's time for me to grow up and stop having these "best friends" as stand ins for what is really missing in my life.
For a while now there a few guys who I have taken a liking to. 3 of the guys are in Grad school (Boston, Justice & IDMR) but I guess I need to stop wasting interest in men who aren't interested in me. I mean, I completely understand being focused, but any and everyone can risk a five minute conversation to show they care and I can't even get that once a month. Then there is my homie in Houston- which is basically the largest problem, he is SO FAR AWAY! I just don't know what to do about my love life.
I keep holding on to men that I do not matter to. I am too scared to move on, I feel almost like it's a risk. That AS SOON AS I find someone else, they're going to all of a sudden become available. But really, who am I joking?
I am really happy about the woman I am becoming, but at the same time I KNOW that I deserve a solid and loyal friend-base. I'm sick of other people being unhappy with themselves and taking it out on me. Is it so hard to be a friend and be happy for someone else? I don't get that. Why do my female friends always start off so cool then in up hating me and hating on me. I mean I guess they do both. Can you hate on someone without hating them? I guess that like killing someone without being a killer? Or better yet lying without being a liar. Then you have people who say shit like, "Oh, I use to lie, but I changed, I stopped lying. I'm not a liar anymore." But seriously, that's not trill! That's said with the same conviction of someone saying, "Oh, I once murdered someone, but that was last week. I stopped murdering people. I'm not a murderer!" BULLSHIT! If you murder once you'll always be a murderer, I you lie once you'll always be a liar, If you kill once you'll always be a killer, if you hate on me ONCE you'll always hate me! That really what I believe. I hate things, but I don't hate people. I may get mad and wrapped up in the heat of the moment, but I can honestly say- I don't even really dislike anyone. I just move on.
I'm the chick you LOVE to HATE. Paradox, huh? Well check THIS one out. I'm that chick you are DYING to LIVE like. Get it? Move on...
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