Okay, a fact is a fact- I can not stay out of drama's way! Man, latest news= this random bitch is slandering my name. She thinks I am e-mailing her and apparently someone broke into her bucket last night, so she is blaming me for that too. My girl Tiff said someone broke out her car window- so I'm Rambo now I guess? Bitch please!
I am realizing that hoes blame shit on me because they think I am childish and pathetic like them. This hoe had to run to all these niggas that she knows I talk to and start rumors about me having STD's and sleeping around. Anyone who believes that is a fool, because niggas KNOW Lindsay keeps to herself. It's fucking amazing that I haven't seen or talked to this bitch in three months and she still has my name in her mouth. I already knew she was jealous of me, but now I am pretty convinced that she is in love with me. My girl Tiff would always tell me how she would make comments about me being pretty, man the Dyke needs to back the fuck up! I will never be with another BITCH! EVER! Gross!
I just wonder why hoes can't get me off their mind. What is it about me? I need to know. I know why niggas fiend- but what satisfaction out of life do you get from hating another female that you don't even have to deal with? Questions. Soooooo many questions I have about crazy bitches.
What I do know is this, I am me and I am comfortable in my skin. I am happy with what I am doing in life and if anyone has a problem or complaint- come holla at cha girl! Ain't no bitch in me. I don't have to plot under handed schemes in the middle of the night. I gets up close and personal. E.C. all day! I ain't worried about any bitches, I could care less about a hoe. I am too concerned with looking at my beautiful ass in the mirror- that I don't have time to waste else where... unless I am scouting niggas(men only!) of course. Fuck what you heard, fuck what you think, get a life and you won't have to waste time tryna figure out about me... And one more thing, if you didn't have so many damned enemies, you wouldn't be confusing who is fuckin wit you bitch ass. Maybe you need to fall back and stop talkin shit! Signing off... L. to the J.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Monday, August 21, 2006
I Ain't Thinking About You...
I was thinking about forgiveness today. My girl Tiffany hit me up and told me a story about this girl we fell out with. She said the girl called her and was begging for forgiveness, lol. It's funny how after all this time she is still thinking about us! It's like Deja vu again, in a way.
Eliot and I fell out in March when I went to ATL. He did the kindergarten act and wrote shit on facebook, but after 2 hours of it, I decided to be an adult. I blocked him on facebook, blackplanet, instant message, etc. Then after so long he decided to start begging me for forgiveness. First he somehow convinced Celeste to give him her pass code on facebook so he could stalk, harass and write me from her page- I caught on to his game. Then he started hitting Erin and Nikki up?- PATHETIC. Now I get the constant texts and voicemails from him and I just need to let him know I ain't thinking about him at all. Don't get it twisted, I do forgive- I just don't forget. I know all these apologies are in order because of Celeste's Wedding next week. What, did he think he was going to stay with me for free or something? Crazy!
People usually apologize when they are looking for personal gain, so I am always skeptical of sincerity. I am always sincere when I apologize, so what of it? Am I a hypocrite for thinking that some aren't real? I dunno!
Ok, new topic... Big Time. This nigga played me something serious this weekend when I went home. I really don't know what to take from it though. I just think he doesn't take me seriously (as most guys don't- for some reason). I don't want to give up on it, for reasons that are obvious(to any of my FRIENDS who are reading), but I can't play the fool. I don't know if I am looking for love- but I am looking for something and he seems to be it.
As for Polaris... three calls and counting. I am so proud of myself- for I can't remember the last time I lasted this long. Ignoring his calls has been hard, but I think I have finally gotten over the hump. A pretty face won't always do it. A pretty body won't always do it. The best gear won't always do it. The best... let's just say, Polaris ain't doing it for me no more. And even though Big Time isn't running smooth- I am happy and content with my love life.
Belated Birthday to ATL my babe turned 24 on Saturday! WOW!
Eliot and I fell out in March when I went to ATL. He did the kindergarten act and wrote shit on facebook, but after 2 hours of it, I decided to be an adult. I blocked him on facebook, blackplanet, instant message, etc. Then after so long he decided to start begging me for forgiveness. First he somehow convinced Celeste to give him her pass code on facebook so he could stalk, harass and write me from her page- I caught on to his game. Then he started hitting Erin and Nikki up?- PATHETIC. Now I get the constant texts and voicemails from him and I just need to let him know I ain't thinking about him at all. Don't get it twisted, I do forgive- I just don't forget. I know all these apologies are in order because of Celeste's Wedding next week. What, did he think he was going to stay with me for free or something? Crazy!
People usually apologize when they are looking for personal gain, so I am always skeptical of sincerity. I am always sincere when I apologize, so what of it? Am I a hypocrite for thinking that some aren't real? I dunno!
Ok, new topic... Big Time. This nigga played me something serious this weekend when I went home. I really don't know what to take from it though. I just think he doesn't take me seriously (as most guys don't- for some reason). I don't want to give up on it, for reasons that are obvious(to any of my FRIENDS who are reading), but I can't play the fool. I don't know if I am looking for love- but I am looking for something and he seems to be it.
As for Polaris... three calls and counting. I am so proud of myself- for I can't remember the last time I lasted this long. Ignoring his calls has been hard, but I think I have finally gotten over the hump. A pretty face won't always do it. A pretty body won't always do it. The best gear won't always do it. The best... let's just say, Polaris ain't doing it for me no more. And even though Big Time isn't running smooth- I am happy and content with my love life.
Belated Birthday to ATL my babe turned 24 on Saturday! WOW!
Friday, August 18, 2006
The World Is Being Sifted...
From Being Young Black & Gifted (112)
I know what I want in a man, someone with ambition and talent- nothing more nothing less. Smart guys are cool, cute guys are easy on the eyes, thugs are nice- if you're "in it for the minute;" but when it comes to longevity- I need any want someone who can hold a conversation about life!
I don't know where I am going to be a year from now, but I decided today that it's going to be far from here. I just need to room to breath; a place where I can start over fresh. I want to go to a city where no one knows my name and no one THINKS they can dissect anything about me. It's nothing more appetizing than when you meet a new person and you get to start from scratch, well that's how I want to live my life... until I make it right.
Hopefully I meet someone along the way who is a real Black man. Someone who doesn't feel like I owe them something just because they have an education, someone who doesn't think they know more than me because the came up on a rougher side of town and someone who is not going to judge my past I had with other men but only the present I have with them. I'm not going to settle.
I know what I want in a man, someone with ambition and talent- nothing more nothing less. Smart guys are cool, cute guys are easy on the eyes, thugs are nice- if you're "in it for the minute;" but when it comes to longevity- I need any want someone who can hold a conversation about life!
I don't know where I am going to be a year from now, but I decided today that it's going to be far from here. I just need to room to breath; a place where I can start over fresh. I want to go to a city where no one knows my name and no one THINKS they can dissect anything about me. It's nothing more appetizing than when you meet a new person and you get to start from scratch, well that's how I want to live my life... until I make it right.
Hopefully I meet someone along the way who is a real Black man. Someone who doesn't feel like I owe them something just because they have an education, someone who doesn't think they know more than me because the came up on a rougher side of town and someone who is not going to judge my past I had with other men but only the present I have with them. I'm not going to settle.
Everyone Is A Self Proclaimed genius...
It's funny how someone, even a stranger can read one entry from your blog or talk to you for all of twenty minutes and all of a sudden they are this psychiatrist who knows the depth to your every problem. I just hate judgment! Whether it come from friends, co- workers or just some random person I don't even know, I can't accept it [judgment], because judgment from a person does just as much good as a blood transfusion from someone who is HIV positive. It will get you no where fast and in a hurry!
Two of the people I work with are always calling me "CRAZY", but what they fail to realize it that everyone is crazy. The ones who deny it (like they do) are the worse because those are the mutha fuckas who show up to work with an AK-47 (shout out to Mo Clarett, lmao) and start blasting! Well, time and time again they call me "CRAZY," so today I called the one girl "Holier than thou" and for some reason (which is NOT beyond me) I think she may have been offended. She took the commonly use road and replied, "that's just what YOU think," and I had to immediately inform her that many other people pick that up from her personality too. The funny and hypocritical thing is, for the last four months I have set back and let her point out my infirmities and call me "CRAZY" repeatedly, but the ONE time I struck back and called her "Holier than thou" (which she truly is), she had the nerve to get offended? It just goes to show, people usually are quick to point out the faults of others when deep down inside they know, they are the ones who are really fucked up!
Then this other mutha fucka I work with, no matter what the subject.... sports, psych, nationalities- he thinks he is an expert. And if you know just a little bit- about me, you know I am not taking anyone's word for anything. I am open, I will listen, but I am always quick to research it or ask, "Where did you get that info from?" My other work friend lashed out on me one day and said I was a know it all and that I am never wrong. It's funny that when you question someone they jump to the defense and want to lash out on you when the fact shall remain, that if their stories and information were true- it would not be hard to prove. Every time the one guy starts a conversation- I just want to scream... what formal education do you have? But instead, I just nod my head. I now realize, people have to feel important. People have to pretend to be "HOLY." People have to do certain things to reach their own equilibriums, because when they don't do this- they don't feel sane, and if they don't feel sane- then for once in their lives, they will have to admit they aren't perfect, they are a little crazy and they don't know everything about everything. But instead, these types of people will probably continue on with the rest of their lives pointing fingers so they can keep this equilibrium, and those of us who Yahweh has permitted to see the truth will sit back and see them for what they are.... CRAZY, just like everyone else, just like the rest of us!
Two of the people I work with are always calling me "CRAZY", but what they fail to realize it that everyone is crazy. The ones who deny it (like they do) are the worse because those are the mutha fuckas who show up to work with an AK-47 (shout out to Mo Clarett, lmao) and start blasting! Well, time and time again they call me "CRAZY," so today I called the one girl "Holier than thou" and for some reason (which is NOT beyond me) I think she may have been offended. She took the commonly use road and replied, "that's just what YOU think," and I had to immediately inform her that many other people pick that up from her personality too. The funny and hypocritical thing is, for the last four months I have set back and let her point out my infirmities and call me "CRAZY" repeatedly, but the ONE time I struck back and called her "Holier than thou" (which she truly is), she had the nerve to get offended? It just goes to show, people usually are quick to point out the faults of others when deep down inside they know, they are the ones who are really fucked up!
Then this other mutha fucka I work with, no matter what the subject.... sports, psych, nationalities- he thinks he is an expert. And if you know just a little bit- about me, you know I am not taking anyone's word for anything. I am open, I will listen, but I am always quick to research it or ask, "Where did you get that info from?" My other work friend lashed out on me one day and said I was a know it all and that I am never wrong. It's funny that when you question someone they jump to the defense and want to lash out on you when the fact shall remain, that if their stories and information were true- it would not be hard to prove. Every time the one guy starts a conversation- I just want to scream... what formal education do you have? But instead, I just nod my head. I now realize, people have to feel important. People have to pretend to be "HOLY." People have to do certain things to reach their own equilibriums, because when they don't do this- they don't feel sane, and if they don't feel sane- then for once in their lives, they will have to admit they aren't perfect, they are a little crazy and they don't know everything about everything. But instead, these types of people will probably continue on with the rest of their lives pointing fingers so they can keep this equilibrium, and those of us who Yahweh has permitted to see the truth will sit back and see them for what they are.... CRAZY, just like everyone else, just like the rest of us!
Monday, August 14, 2006
When Niggas Get Their Feelings Hurts...
A whole heap of emotions come running out. Every problem they ever had with you, all the infirmities they recognized in you, what kind of man they really are just all leaks out. I guess this is why I try so hard to make guys I am feelings mad, in a round about way it let's me know how they REALLY feel about me and further it let's me know what kind of a man(or the lack of a man) they really are. You can tell a lot about a man's character by how the treat ex-girlfriend's and such.
At this point in my life I am trying hard not to become cynical, but it's tough when you're dealing with assholes. We're living in a world where the Black man thinks he's God's gift to the world and Black men with degrees think they're God himself? Just because you have a piece of paper does not make you better than anyone! The most intelligent and revolutionary people I know barely have formal education. And unless I have some sort of defining experience in the next year, the important things over life that I have learned had nothing to do with The Ohio State University. Just because it has syrup on it doesn't make it pancakes, just because you have an engineering degree doesn't make you better than ANYONE, and if you believe that- you're a fool!
In 2006 it seems that there are very few who are content, everyone is compensating for something. So guys have to talk down on females in order to feel important when the reality is they are just another ugly nerd. Don't get me wrong I love my friends, but I hate when they take shit off a nigga who ain't worth a damn. I will Never be that girl! NEVER!
I am just so sick of people judging me. They read my away messages and conclude I am "angry", the to read my body language and conclude I am "mean" and they read my blog and think they are my fucking psychologist... maybe you should all read my lips and "Kiss my ass!" lol, I was talking to one of my co-workers the other afternoon on his last day working with the company and she told me that she wanted to let me know how nice I am. She said she had seen me walk through he dept. for two years and by the look on my face she automatically thought I had a nasty attitude, but now after working with me over the summer she was shocked to find that I was a clown just like her. It's funny, people spend so much time judging someone on their outside appearance that they never scratch the surface. That's something to think about!
Change of subject. I have some new found friends to kick it with. They are all pretty, down to earth and more than anything they are not uptight buy comical as hell. We went out to dinner they clubbing Saturday to celebrate Erin's 21st birthday. I got 2 fortunes(P.F. Chang's fortune cookies) and this is what they read...
A mysterious person will soon enter your life
Cooperate with those who have both know-how and integrity
I've been doing number two- but number one has yet to be seen...
At this point in my life I am trying hard not to become cynical, but it's tough when you're dealing with assholes. We're living in a world where the Black man thinks he's God's gift to the world and Black men with degrees think they're God himself? Just because you have a piece of paper does not make you better than anyone! The most intelligent and revolutionary people I know barely have formal education. And unless I have some sort of defining experience in the next year, the important things over life that I have learned had nothing to do with The Ohio State University. Just because it has syrup on it doesn't make it pancakes, just because you have an engineering degree doesn't make you better than ANYONE, and if you believe that- you're a fool!
In 2006 it seems that there are very few who are content, everyone is compensating for something. So guys have to talk down on females in order to feel important when the reality is they are just another ugly nerd. Don't get me wrong I love my friends, but I hate when they take shit off a nigga who ain't worth a damn. I will Never be that girl! NEVER!
I am just so sick of people judging me. They read my away messages and conclude I am "angry", the to read my body language and conclude I am "mean" and they read my blog and think they are my fucking psychologist... maybe you should all read my lips and "Kiss my ass!" lol, I was talking to one of my co-workers the other afternoon on his last day working with the company and she told me that she wanted to let me know how nice I am. She said she had seen me walk through he dept. for two years and by the look on my face she automatically thought I had a nasty attitude, but now after working with me over the summer she was shocked to find that I was a clown just like her. It's funny, people spend so much time judging someone on their outside appearance that they never scratch the surface. That's something to think about!
Change of subject. I have some new found friends to kick it with. They are all pretty, down to earth and more than anything they are not uptight buy comical as hell. We went out to dinner they clubbing Saturday to celebrate Erin's 21st birthday. I got 2 fortunes(P.F. Chang's fortune cookies) and this is what they read...
A mysterious person will soon enter your life
Cooperate with those who have both know-how and integrity
I've been doing number two- but number one has yet to be seen...
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Holy Is The Lamb
...Satanic spirit, all carnal mind,
Walking round thinking everything was fine!
Then Kinley preached the gospel and he made me see,
The sin is ignorance and I’m guilty.
Vanity, iniquity, ya’ll better here me...
I’ve been weighing the balance came up short.
I looked over my life it’s just a bad report!
Kinley preached the gospel and he made me see
Its me- I’m the enemy! Its me- I’m guilty!
Yahweh please, have mercy.
I’ve been sentenced, make no mistake,
I have a reservation straight to the lake.
And right now, what I need to do,
Is ask a little mercy from you.
And still all we can say is holy holy Yahweh...
This has to be the hottest Gospel song ever created!
Walking round thinking everything was fine!
Then Kinley preached the gospel and he made me see,
The sin is ignorance and I’m guilty.
Vanity, iniquity, ya’ll better here me...
I’ve been weighing the balance came up short.
I looked over my life it’s just a bad report!
Kinley preached the gospel and he made me see
Its me- I’m the enemy! Its me- I’m guilty!
Yahweh please, have mercy.
I’ve been sentenced, make no mistake,
I have a reservation straight to the lake.
And right now, what I need to do,
Is ask a little mercy from you.
And still all we can say is holy holy Yahweh...
This has to be the hottest Gospel song ever created!
Self Titled...
In this last year I have learned that I have to do what makes ME happy. I can't continue to focus on what makes everyones else's life easier, because at the end of the night I only have myself. I use to always tell Maize & Blue that, "take care of yourself, because no one else will." So, I am finally taking my own advice- practicing what I preach. It doesn't really matter what looks right to the persons on the outside looking in, as long as I can look in the mirror and be happy.
ATL has been pressuring me I feel. I wish I had gotten a job in the beginning of the summer so I could have afforded to visit him now. He will be paying for my trip- but my bills @ home will be waiting, so I have to take one for the team and pass. So, I missed the trip to Mexico, the trip to ATL, and if I don't get my shit together soon- I will be missing the trip to PARIS! ATL will now be moving to Paris next month to play basketball. I sometimes wonder what could have or would have been if I would have graduated in May like expected. If I would have had the mind set that I have now, last summer- my life would be completely different! But, instead, all I have now if half a dozen guys in half a dozen cities urging me to hurry and get my degree so I can move. Life is funny like that.
Okay, I talked to Big Time the other night for all of two hours. It's been a long time since I have had a conversation for that length of time on the phone. I know I said I wouldn't mention him anymore, but after our conversation I see that he isn't as secretive as I. What I do know is that this may be going somewhere. He isn't way in the south like ATL, he isn't having women troubles like Boston and he definitely doesn't treat me in the same manner as these niggas who live in CO do. I think I am ready to get rid of Polaris.... when I move into my new apartment I am just going to move on period.
I am not a player, but I am going to do what I have to do to make mySELF happy. If someone is judging me- let that be their problem. I am 23 and I am still waiting to have my first love. I am 23 and I am still waiting to make an impression on this world. I am 23 and I am waiting to finally live. It will happen.
Maurice Clarett, you're in my prayers. I will ALWAYS be a fan, I am not fair weather- I know(firsthand) that people make mistakes, some that can be reversed and others that are life altering. Shit happens! All you people out their judging and commenting on him and his situation- take the time to look in the mirror. When is the last time you examined yourself? The time is now.
ATL has been pressuring me I feel. I wish I had gotten a job in the beginning of the summer so I could have afforded to visit him now. He will be paying for my trip- but my bills @ home will be waiting, so I have to take one for the team and pass. So, I missed the trip to Mexico, the trip to ATL, and if I don't get my shit together soon- I will be missing the trip to PARIS! ATL will now be moving to Paris next month to play basketball. I sometimes wonder what could have or would have been if I would have graduated in May like expected. If I would have had the mind set that I have now, last summer- my life would be completely different! But, instead, all I have now if half a dozen guys in half a dozen cities urging me to hurry and get my degree so I can move. Life is funny like that.
Okay, I talked to Big Time the other night for all of two hours. It's been a long time since I have had a conversation for that length of time on the phone. I know I said I wouldn't mention him anymore, but after our conversation I see that he isn't as secretive as I. What I do know is that this may be going somewhere. He isn't way in the south like ATL, he isn't having women troubles like Boston and he definitely doesn't treat me in the same manner as these niggas who live in CO do. I think I am ready to get rid of Polaris.... when I move into my new apartment I am just going to move on period.
I am not a player, but I am going to do what I have to do to make mySELF happy. If someone is judging me- let that be their problem. I am 23 and I am still waiting to have my first love. I am 23 and I am still waiting to make an impression on this world. I am 23 and I am waiting to finally live. It will happen.
Maurice Clarett, you're in my prayers. I will ALWAYS be a fan, I am not fair weather- I know(firsthand) that people make mistakes, some that can be reversed and others that are life altering. Shit happens! All you people out their judging and commenting on him and his situation- take the time to look in the mirror. When is the last time you examined yourself? The time is now.
Monday, August 07, 2006
"Drive Slow Homie... Drive Slow Homie
Ya never know homie/ might meet some hoes homie
Ya need to pump your brakes and drive slow homie" ~Kanye West Drive Slow
Lately I feel like I don't even have time to live anymore. It's always running I have to do, I never have time to just look around and appreciate the world and all it's splendor. After Elise's baby shower Saturday I hooked up with Big Time and chilled with him for a LONG while. I use to always see girls riding with guys like him and I would be so jealous. For once in my life- I was that girl. I swear in two hours, I saw every hood street the east side of Cleveland has to offer... St. Clair, 10-5, Eddy Road, Shaw, Union, Harvard, Kinsman, Superior, Euclid, 152nd, Buckeye... the list goes on. I sat there sippin on champagne and got lost as time to slowed down, I unwound and was in deep thought. Those are the times when you really get to know a person. It's not about what they got on, what song is playing, the crew they roll with- it's you, him and conversation.
I am realizing that I've come across a guy unlike anyone I have ever dealt with. This is "New" to me because I am always analyzing and comparing niggas. Even the ones who surprise me in the beginning- end up being the same. I am pretty sure Big Time has some thing under his sleeve- but for the most part I am convinced that he isn't the average everyday. We already "fell out" once (on his accord), so I already know the other(crazy) side of him- so I don't think there is anything I have to worry about. All I can say is a nigga like him will have me wanting to make that move back home, but we will see. We are just so much alike... secretive- the who nine. In light of that(secrecy), I've decided to no longer make mention of him in this blog, or at least I will try not to. Hopefully things will work out and at the least we will remain cool people, time will tell.
"My Best Friends Say I'm Bottled Up, I Need a Fuckin Therapist/...
But I Can't Think of Nobody I Wanna Share This Wit/..." ~ Pharrell Best Friend
Yesterday was my Derrick's 24th birthday and I didn't even get to talk to him. Seems like I haven't been talking to much of anyone lately. My life has taken a drastic turn. Really ain't been up in the club like I use to and I been more focused on getting my life together. I kind of feel secluded. My boy A.J. has been hitting me up like every other day to kick it, the last two summers we were inseparable- but now I am just a dead beat friend. Last time Mel and I kicked it was in April I think, & Ro & I last kicked it on her birthday in February... GEEZ- I am just fallin off. It's funny how life can be so great yet so fucked up all in the same moment. I am just trying hard to stay focused and not be discouraged- but I just don't know anymore.
I guess I am hoping things do work out with Big Time (okay I promise- no more mentioning of him) so I can have someone to talk to, to vent to, to be real with- because this blog shit ain't forever. That's the thing about a Blog, there's no reciprocity, nor feed back. If I keep on like this, I'm gonna drive myself CRAZY!
Ya need to pump your brakes and drive slow homie" ~Kanye West Drive Slow
Lately I feel like I don't even have time to live anymore. It's always running I have to do, I never have time to just look around and appreciate the world and all it's splendor. After Elise's baby shower Saturday I hooked up with Big Time and chilled with him for a LONG while. I use to always see girls riding with guys like him and I would be so jealous. For once in my life- I was that girl. I swear in two hours, I saw every hood street the east side of Cleveland has to offer... St. Clair, 10-5, Eddy Road, Shaw, Union, Harvard, Kinsman, Superior, Euclid, 152nd, Buckeye... the list goes on. I sat there sippin on champagne and got lost as time to slowed down, I unwound and was in deep thought. Those are the times when you really get to know a person. It's not about what they got on, what song is playing, the crew they roll with- it's you, him and conversation.
I am realizing that I've come across a guy unlike anyone I have ever dealt with. This is "New" to me because I am always analyzing and comparing niggas. Even the ones who surprise me in the beginning- end up being the same. I am pretty sure Big Time has some thing under his sleeve- but for the most part I am convinced that he isn't the average everyday. We already "fell out" once (on his accord), so I already know the other(crazy) side of him- so I don't think there is anything I have to worry about. All I can say is a nigga like him will have me wanting to make that move back home, but we will see. We are just so much alike... secretive- the who nine. In light of that(secrecy), I've decided to no longer make mention of him in this blog, or at least I will try not to. Hopefully things will work out and at the least we will remain cool people, time will tell.
"My Best Friends Say I'm Bottled Up, I Need a Fuckin Therapist/...
But I Can't Think of Nobody I Wanna Share This Wit/..." ~ Pharrell Best Friend
Yesterday was my Derrick's 24th birthday and I didn't even get to talk to him. Seems like I haven't been talking to much of anyone lately. My life has taken a drastic turn. Really ain't been up in the club like I use to and I been more focused on getting my life together. I kind of feel secluded. My boy A.J. has been hitting me up like every other day to kick it, the last two summers we were inseparable- but now I am just a dead beat friend. Last time Mel and I kicked it was in April I think, & Ro & I last kicked it on her birthday in February... GEEZ- I am just fallin off. It's funny how life can be so great yet so fucked up all in the same moment. I am just trying hard to stay focused and not be discouraged- but I just don't know anymore.
I guess I am hoping things do work out with Big Time (okay I promise- no more mentioning of him) so I can have someone to talk to, to vent to, to be real with- because this blog shit ain't forever. That's the thing about a Blog, there's no reciprocity, nor feed back. If I keep on like this, I'm gonna drive myself CRAZY!
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Running With Scissors...
Some things in life are just DANGEROUS. We know what we're getting into before me even begin- yet we still "run" right into it! Friends give us advice, your parents taught you better, even your conscience knows- but you just can't help the urge. That's how I'm feelings these days. All the signs are telling me to head in the other direction, but I just can't.
"What do you do, when you know somethings bad for you, and you still can't let go?" ~Christina Aguliera Walk Away
Big Time called me the Sunday. I really thought that was over but it's not. I called him back last night- our conversation was brief, you know- straight to the point. It's not over. This time around I am going to watch what I say- because maybe he is the one that shouldn't be compared to everyone else. I try no to do it, but most men are so predictable; I always have to keep my distance because I can't allow myself to start believing I am the only one. Before I know it I am finding hair in the sink that isn't my color, bracelets on the ent. center that aren't my style, and pictures on the counter that weren't captured of me. For once, it will be nice to know I am the only one.
I had another nigga "like" Big Time last summer and he turned super psycho. I guess guys like them are always great to be in a relationship with, but everything else in life is a little more tricky. It's a gamble, do I want stability in life or stability in a relationship? These days I am not sure. I know I should just opt. to have neither- because I have never been a settler, but I guess after this weekend I will know. I'm going home to throw Elise's baby shower and I told him I would like to hang out. I just need to pay attention and see where his head is. I am sick of dealing with college BOYS(lame ass Kappa). I am sick of dealing with athletes(Maize and Blue... Thrill ain't biting either). The average niggas ain't worth a damn either(Polaris). So now, I am going to try to deal with another type of man. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. I know he is the kind of guy I should just be in it for the minute with- but I think I want the long haul.
On another note I wrote an old friend today. I haven't talked to her in a while because of some drama we had about two years ago, but I thought I would try to salvage things finally. It kind of got me to thinking about forgiveness. I guess Big Time forgave me and I guess we will see what happens with her. I guess I never did anything wrong to her, so there isn't exactly anything to forgive me about, but it will be nice to see her perspective on things. I got an e-mail from someone myself- I guess it was challenging me. I can remember when the AKA wanna be hit me up last year it was kind of amazing. She was someone I actually though was my friend until she started all these rumors about me. I guess she did it when she was online so that she could impress the AKA's or something. After she got dropped for the third time she decided to come apologize to me. Of course I have always been a forgiving person, but I still doubt that she would have apologized if she had actually crossed. I think that she just woke up and realized she burned bridges with a loyal friend and had nothing to show for it. Well, the e-mail I got felt about the same. I guess it was the girl's rebuttal for what she had read in my blog for weeks. Just as I did with the AKA wanna be, I am wondering with her, "would she be even contacting me if old boy hadn't went any got in a relationship? Is she just now seeing that she did all that hating for nothing because now he isn't we her or me?" I guess she kind of burned a bridge and now she has nothing to show for it either! All I can say is that I am still plagued with a forgiving heart. People get anxious and will stop at nothing to get something they think they need whether it be sister hood in a sorority or a glance from a guy who is just fucking and using them. All I can do is never forget their faces.
I can't stunt females, I can't depend on niggas... all I can is do what's good for me. No one else really matters. I have to get my career off the ground. I need to become a better woman so that ten years down the line I can look back and be proud of the decisions I made so that my husband and children can be happy. This weekend I decided that I am going to write a book. I already know the title and the ending, I already have the vision- I just have to get it down on paper. I guess that also means that I won't be on here as much- to tell the truth I have only been writing like twice a week lately, but you will know what's going on with me. If I'm not writing it most likely means I am no sad and I am too busy with things being great for me to stop and sit at a computer. Maybe "someone" will buy me that laptop I have been longing for. Time WILL tell.
"What do you do, when you know somethings bad for you, and you still can't let go?" ~Christina Aguliera Walk Away
Big Time called me the Sunday. I really thought that was over but it's not. I called him back last night- our conversation was brief, you know- straight to the point. It's not over. This time around I am going to watch what I say- because maybe he is the one that shouldn't be compared to everyone else. I try no to do it, but most men are so predictable; I always have to keep my distance because I can't allow myself to start believing I am the only one. Before I know it I am finding hair in the sink that isn't my color, bracelets on the ent. center that aren't my style, and pictures on the counter that weren't captured of me. For once, it will be nice to know I am the only one.
I had another nigga "like" Big Time last summer and he turned super psycho. I guess guys like them are always great to be in a relationship with, but everything else in life is a little more tricky. It's a gamble, do I want stability in life or stability in a relationship? These days I am not sure. I know I should just opt. to have neither- because I have never been a settler, but I guess after this weekend I will know. I'm going home to throw Elise's baby shower and I told him I would like to hang out. I just need to pay attention and see where his head is. I am sick of dealing with college BOYS(lame ass Kappa). I am sick of dealing with athletes(Maize and Blue... Thrill ain't biting either). The average niggas ain't worth a damn either(Polaris). So now, I am going to try to deal with another type of man. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. I know he is the kind of guy I should just be in it for the minute with- but I think I want the long haul.
On another note I wrote an old friend today. I haven't talked to her in a while because of some drama we had about two years ago, but I thought I would try to salvage things finally. It kind of got me to thinking about forgiveness. I guess Big Time forgave me and I guess we will see what happens with her. I guess I never did anything wrong to her, so there isn't exactly anything to forgive me about, but it will be nice to see her perspective on things. I got an e-mail from someone myself- I guess it was challenging me. I can remember when the AKA wanna be hit me up last year it was kind of amazing. She was someone I actually though was my friend until she started all these rumors about me. I guess she did it when she was online so that she could impress the AKA's or something. After she got dropped for the third time she decided to come apologize to me. Of course I have always been a forgiving person, but I still doubt that she would have apologized if she had actually crossed. I think that she just woke up and realized she burned bridges with a loyal friend and had nothing to show for it. Well, the e-mail I got felt about the same. I guess it was the girl's rebuttal for what she had read in my blog for weeks. Just as I did with the AKA wanna be, I am wondering with her, "would she be even contacting me if old boy hadn't went any got in a relationship? Is she just now seeing that she did all that hating for nothing because now he isn't we her or me?" I guess she kind of burned a bridge and now she has nothing to show for it either! All I can say is that I am still plagued with a forgiving heart. People get anxious and will stop at nothing to get something they think they need whether it be sister hood in a sorority or a glance from a guy who is just fucking and using them. All I can do is never forget their faces.
I can't stunt females, I can't depend on niggas... all I can is do what's good for me. No one else really matters. I have to get my career off the ground. I need to become a better woman so that ten years down the line I can look back and be proud of the decisions I made so that my husband and children can be happy. This weekend I decided that I am going to write a book. I already know the title and the ending, I already have the vision- I just have to get it down on paper. I guess that also means that I won't be on here as much- to tell the truth I have only been writing like twice a week lately, but you will know what's going on with me. If I'm not writing it most likely means I am no sad and I am too busy with things being great for me to stop and sit at a computer. Maybe "someone" will buy me that laptop I have been longing for. Time WILL tell.
Friday, July 28, 2006
You Ain't Talking About Shit...
Man, I am realizing how much niggas ain't shit in 2006. They play games, they lie, the run you over and the worse thing of all is the fact that us females allow it(including myself). I had a dude I was feeling for a while dog the shit out of me then last I heard he picked up a girlfriend. I guess I am kind of over him, but he came to see me the other night, and once again wooed me with his charming personality. Nothing happened, but when he left he parted with a kiss on my neck? I don't know what to gather from that- but I know I wouldn't go for my man kissing another girl on the neck. This world is crazy!
Last night after Polaris wasn't available I went to see a couple of my old flings. I chilled with one and agreed to a relationship with him... I think we were both serious- yet I don't think we are really a couple??? I know- that's a contradiction, but whatever... we'll figure it out. After I left his place I called my Ball Player and when he told me that he stayed on 9th & _ _ _ _ _ _ _, I thought to myself, "that's where I just left from!" Yea, turns out that he lives three doors down from the guy I agreed to being in a relationship with. I don't know what it is about me talking to guys in the same complexes, but this is the third time this has happened to me- at least I will save gas money, lol.
So, after I left from chilling with the Ball Player, I called the nigga I was referring to in the first paragraph. Deep down inside I kind of wanted to know if there was something behind that kiss and that was confirmed when he told me, "I might do something to you or try to do something... You better be careful... I know I'm going to try something." I think it is amazing that he has only been in a relationship with this beautiful girl for only two weeks and he is already trying to cheat? My thoughts on that... I hope he was joking when he claimed to have a girlfriend- because if he does, she's not going to be a happy camper!
So, I hit Polaris up one more time and expressed very strongly how I didn't appreciate being played and that he must not take me seriously because "I don't leave jewelry over his place!" lmao. Now, if I would have made a comment like that a year ago, he would have blown up on me- but the message he left me this morning was real sweet. It kind of let's me know that our "friendship" has evolved immensely. He told me his bullshit lie, which didn't piss me off as much because I know he cared enough to at least make something up, when- once again- a year ago he wouldn't have even offered an explanation. I know there are other girls; blond hair in the sink... cheap forever 21 bracelets on the entertainment center... etc. - but, none of them are me... he knows that and I know that, so I'm not mad. Polaris just needs to realize... I won't be driving out to Polaris forever and I won't be living in CO forever... people move on, people move!
Now, I have to talk a little about this nigga who moved to Cleveland for Grad school. He has been trying to get on with me since my freshman year & I am def. not on it. He has played me to the left time and time again and now that he sees I am trying to get the ball rolling with his boy Thrill, he is trying to throw a wrench in my plans? Being friends is wonderful to me, but don't ever try to mess something up that I have because you fucked up after I gave you a second and third chance. Just let it go homie- you will NEVER have me!
Lastly, I spent my night at home alone. Once I left Spice, the Iotaa and the Ball Player I just sat on my couch and thought. I could have went out Hilliard with Tiffany, but I feel like I have been down that road before. Just another CRAZY nigga sending messages through someone else. Just another CRAZY nigga pretending to love me but showing me no love. "I ain't got time for time wasting." There may be rumors heard about me, but none of them are true. I am a lady and I don't love them and leave them. I am a lady, and as hard as I try I could never be insincere and not care for people. And more than anything- I may talk to friends, I may talk to bruhs, I may talk to dudes who stay in the same complex(or roommates even), I may talk to team mates- but there are lines I never cross. I am not fucking anyone and if I were I wouldn't be fucking and dogging one while trying to tell their ACQUAINTANCE that I am trying to be with them. I could be with Crazy, but I have to respect him, and because of what he is doing with old girl- I can't and as of now I am not sure how I feel.
Right now I am more amused by men than anything else. I am not disgusted or disappointed- I am just watchin the things played out that I already knew would happen. I am enjoying my female friends right now(kicked it with Tiff at Spice last night and saw Mel @ Sugar Bar for the first time in a while) and keeping my head out of the sand. I know niggas will tell me what I want to hear and I know they don't be talking about shit! Like I once said before I am continuing to let these niggas think they are getting over on me but that couldn't be farther from the truth. Actions speak louder than words.
"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Last night after Polaris wasn't available I went to see a couple of my old flings. I chilled with one and agreed to a relationship with him... I think we were both serious- yet I don't think we are really a couple??? I know- that's a contradiction, but whatever... we'll figure it out. After I left his place I called my Ball Player and when he told me that he stayed on 9th & _ _ _ _ _ _ _, I thought to myself, "that's where I just left from!" Yea, turns out that he lives three doors down from the guy I agreed to being in a relationship with. I don't know what it is about me talking to guys in the same complexes, but this is the third time this has happened to me- at least I will save gas money, lol.
So, after I left from chilling with the Ball Player, I called the nigga I was referring to in the first paragraph. Deep down inside I kind of wanted to know if there was something behind that kiss and that was confirmed when he told me, "I might do something to you or try to do something... You better be careful... I know I'm going to try something." I think it is amazing that he has only been in a relationship with this beautiful girl for only two weeks and he is already trying to cheat? My thoughts on that... I hope he was joking when he claimed to have a girlfriend- because if he does, she's not going to be a happy camper!
So, I hit Polaris up one more time and expressed very strongly how I didn't appreciate being played and that he must not take me seriously because "I don't leave jewelry over his place!" lmao. Now, if I would have made a comment like that a year ago, he would have blown up on me- but the message he left me this morning was real sweet. It kind of let's me know that our "friendship" has evolved immensely. He told me his bullshit lie, which didn't piss me off as much because I know he cared enough to at least make something up, when- once again- a year ago he wouldn't have even offered an explanation. I know there are other girls; blond hair in the sink... cheap forever 21 bracelets on the entertainment center... etc. - but, none of them are me... he knows that and I know that, so I'm not mad. Polaris just needs to realize... I won't be driving out to Polaris forever and I won't be living in CO forever... people move on, people move!
Now, I have to talk a little about this nigga who moved to Cleveland for Grad school. He has been trying to get on with me since my freshman year & I am def. not on it. He has played me to the left time and time again and now that he sees I am trying to get the ball rolling with his boy Thrill, he is trying to throw a wrench in my plans? Being friends is wonderful to me, but don't ever try to mess something up that I have because you fucked up after I gave you a second and third chance. Just let it go homie- you will NEVER have me!
Lastly, I spent my night at home alone. Once I left Spice, the Iotaa and the Ball Player I just sat on my couch and thought. I could have went out Hilliard with Tiffany, but I feel like I have been down that road before. Just another CRAZY nigga sending messages through someone else. Just another CRAZY nigga pretending to love me but showing me no love. "I ain't got time for time wasting." There may be rumors heard about me, but none of them are true. I am a lady and I don't love them and leave them. I am a lady, and as hard as I try I could never be insincere and not care for people. And more than anything- I may talk to friends, I may talk to bruhs, I may talk to dudes who stay in the same complex(or roommates even), I may talk to team mates- but there are lines I never cross. I am not fucking anyone and if I were I wouldn't be fucking and dogging one while trying to tell their ACQUAINTANCE that I am trying to be with them. I could be with Crazy, but I have to respect him, and because of what he is doing with old girl- I can't and as of now I am not sure how I feel.
Right now I am more amused by men than anything else. I am not disgusted or disappointed- I am just watchin the things played out that I already knew would happen. I am enjoying my female friends right now(kicked it with Tiff at Spice last night and saw Mel @ Sugar Bar for the first time in a while) and keeping my head out of the sand. I know niggas will tell me what I want to hear and I know they don't be talking about shit! Like I once said before I am continuing to let these niggas think they are getting over on me but that couldn't be farther from the truth. Actions speak louder than words.
"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Down
It's funny that the most secure time in my life is when I have hit rock bottom; it's the floor you can't fall below, you know? When ever I am happy or something is going good- I never get to live in the moment because I am always too concerned, waiting, waiting for it all to disappear.
"...And still you gave me love, I wasn't use to that. Most of the people that gave me love, ended up taking it back..." Dark Man X Prayer IV
I know nothing lasts forever but I wonder how people can lie with such sincerity? I will never understand it. People will stand and tell you how much they love you, but then in one fair swoop- they take their love away?... I was talking to Chi- Town last night and she was analyzing my feelings to me. She said that I am not excited about love anymore because I am so use to being disappointed. Last summer every time Polaris would call I would hit her or Tiff for advice... "Should I go?", "Should I stay?" I think he is truly the closest I've ever been to "In love", but now- a year later I'm just so damned tired- it's routine. If this is love, I don't want any part of it.
After meeting up with Thrill last night I realize that in 2006 liking someone isn't enough. You have to jump through hoops, worry about their last relationships- or lack of, wonder what kind of man you're dealing with (unless you're dealing with a BOY that is)- it's just so complicated. Where love is concerned I am just about done...
"Though I've tried, fallen- I have sunk so low. I've messed up. Better I should know. So don't come round' here and tell me, "I told you so." We all begin with good intent. The love was raw and young. We believe that we could change ourselves, the PAST can be undone. But we carry on our back the burden time always reveals. In the lonely light of morning, in the wound we would not heal, IT'S THE BITTER TASTE OF LOSING EVERYTHING THAT I'VE HELD SO DEAR..." ~Sarah McLachlan Fallen
Things will just never be the same. I am so locked on disappointment and that will be my end. I'm not who I wanna be, but I'm not who I used to be. "I done came down (lol)."
P.S. I am no fool. Fake Jewelry tarnishes as time goes as does lust(Polaris). This is my bible... just because you read the bible does not mean you know God. Just because you read my blog does not mean you know Lindsay- Check the headline up top Boo... You THINK You Know, But You Have No Idea! Records are meant to be broken as are hearts.
"...And still you gave me love, I wasn't use to that. Most of the people that gave me love, ended up taking it back..." Dark Man X Prayer IV
I know nothing lasts forever but I wonder how people can lie with such sincerity? I will never understand it. People will stand and tell you how much they love you, but then in one fair swoop- they take their love away?... I was talking to Chi- Town last night and she was analyzing my feelings to me. She said that I am not excited about love anymore because I am so use to being disappointed. Last summer every time Polaris would call I would hit her or Tiff for advice... "Should I go?", "Should I stay?" I think he is truly the closest I've ever been to "In love", but now- a year later I'm just so damned tired- it's routine. If this is love, I don't want any part of it.
After meeting up with Thrill last night I realize that in 2006 liking someone isn't enough. You have to jump through hoops, worry about their last relationships- or lack of, wonder what kind of man you're dealing with (unless you're dealing with a BOY that is)- it's just so complicated. Where love is concerned I am just about done...
"Though I've tried, fallen- I have sunk so low. I've messed up. Better I should know. So don't come round' here and tell me, "I told you so." We all begin with good intent. The love was raw and young. We believe that we could change ourselves, the PAST can be undone. But we carry on our back the burden time always reveals. In the lonely light of morning, in the wound we would not heal, IT'S THE BITTER TASTE OF LOSING EVERYTHING THAT I'VE HELD SO DEAR..." ~Sarah McLachlan Fallen
Things will just never be the same. I am so locked on disappointment and that will be my end. I'm not who I wanna be, but I'm not who I used to be. "I done came down (lol)."
P.S. I am no fool. Fake Jewelry tarnishes as time goes as does lust(Polaris). This is my bible... just because you read the bible does not mean you know God. Just because you read my blog does not mean you know Lindsay- Check the headline up top Boo... You THINK You Know, But You Have No Idea! Records are meant to be broken as are hearts.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Lately....
Man, I use to write in this thing everyday- but it seems when life is good, I don't have too much to talk about. It's kind of weird now that my girl Christian doesn't work with me anymore, because for the last month- I haven't had anyone to tell about dates and crazy situations, so I will spill the beans on here I guess.
Things didn't work out with Big Time like I thought they would. I asked him a question which he was highly offended by and he FLIPPED out on me. It's sad because I only asked him if he had a girlfriends. He told me that it was a stupid question and what kind of nigga would he be having me over his house when he has a girl. I really felt what he was saying, but in 2004- dudes are so grimy that shit like that is the norm. I still really want to talk to him and I am kind of sad because I have let these no good niggas get so far into my head that when a sensible one comes along I say shit that categorizes them with the rest of these fools. Like the Kappa for instance, stringing me along while he was getting back with his old bitch. Niggas like that are the cause for the question I asked Big Time.
It's okay that he got back with here though, I'm not BITTER, they can go on dates to the dentist to get porcelain veneers, lmao. With his fucked up ass teeth and her dingy ones!!!
But like I said, it's over with Big Time. He hung up on me, lol, and I erased his number. So, unless I stumble across him when I am in Cleveland or he happens to have a change of heart and calls- it's over. My girl Tiffany keeps telling me to sign on to Verizon.com & try to look up my call record, but I am going to lean on fate.
Last Thursday Thrill was in town and we chilled for a couple hours. No date, nothing spectacular- JUST Mirror Lake. We sat and talked for a few hours and it was really nice. I guess he wanted to pick my brain, but I wouldn't really let him get into my head. Lately I have just been focusing on not liking anyone too soon. I am going to start a new month rule; I won't gain feelings for anyone until a solid month of heavy communication has passed. But anyhow, Thrill seems like I really nice guy and far from the other men in his profession. Hopefully a month from now I will be talking about the feelings I've gained for him, lol, but time WILL tell ;-) It's hard not to gain feelings quicker though because it's been a long time since someone has really wanted to talk to me. I guess I have been talking to the wrong kind of men, but now my luck is taking a turn- lately.
Things didn't work out with Big Time like I thought they would. I asked him a question which he was highly offended by and he FLIPPED out on me. It's sad because I only asked him if he had a girlfriends. He told me that it was a stupid question and what kind of nigga would he be having me over his house when he has a girl. I really felt what he was saying, but in 2004- dudes are so grimy that shit like that is the norm. I still really want to talk to him and I am kind of sad because I have let these no good niggas get so far into my head that when a sensible one comes along I say shit that categorizes them with the rest of these fools. Like the Kappa for instance, stringing me along while he was getting back with his old bitch. Niggas like that are the cause for the question I asked Big Time.
It's okay that he got back with here though, I'm not BITTER, they can go on dates to the dentist to get porcelain veneers, lmao. With his fucked up ass teeth and her dingy ones!!!
But like I said, it's over with Big Time. He hung up on me, lol, and I erased his number. So, unless I stumble across him when I am in Cleveland or he happens to have a change of heart and calls- it's over. My girl Tiffany keeps telling me to sign on to Verizon.com & try to look up my call record, but I am going to lean on fate.
Last Thursday Thrill was in town and we chilled for a couple hours. No date, nothing spectacular- JUST Mirror Lake. We sat and talked for a few hours and it was really nice. I guess he wanted to pick my brain, but I wouldn't really let him get into my head. Lately I have just been focusing on not liking anyone too soon. I am going to start a new month rule; I won't gain feelings for anyone until a solid month of heavy communication has passed. But anyhow, Thrill seems like I really nice guy and far from the other men in his profession. Hopefully a month from now I will be talking about the feelings I've gained for him, lol, but time WILL tell ;-) It's hard not to gain feelings quicker though because it's been a long time since someone has really wanted to talk to me. I guess I have been talking to the wrong kind of men, but now my luck is taking a turn- lately.
Rest In Peace...
I wonder what it would have been like if Jason were still alive. Would I have fell out with him by now or would he have been a really good friend? For some reason I feel it would have been the latter, I would have had someone in Florida to run to and I would have been able to tell him how much I appreciate what he did for me... but, it's too late- that will never happen and I will never know.
It's funny how quickly we RUN through our every day lives without even taking the time to REMEMBER. The funny thing is, I still haven't gotten to that point where concerning Jason. It happened with Mahdi, happened with D.P., it happened with almost every homie I knew to die... there just came a day when I didn't think about them anymore, but with Jason- it's just different. Three weeks ago I went to visit a friend who stays around the corner from me. He is actually a guy I was feeling for a LOOOOOONG while, and after all this time I could never figure out why... until he walked out of his door to lead me to his apt. Don't get me wrong, I always thought he was a cutie; but when I looked up from the asphalt into his face- I was so stunned. He looked just like Jason. The Skin. The Eyes. The Hair. It all makes so much sense now. I think that because he subconsciously reminds me of Jason, I have built this false obsession. I dunno, all I know is I miss him.
No words can express how much I needed him in my life and no words can express how much I hurt because he is gone. I have a lot of acquaintances, but I have never had many friends. Someone without sneaky motives, someone who genuinely cared for me, someone who was willing to be real with me even when it meant taking away someone I thought was my blood.
Things will get easier come fall, that constant reminder will be moving to Cleveland and I can stop holding on for all the wrong reasons. No, I won't forget him, but I can't keep thinking about him everyday like he's still alive, it's not healthy. He will never be replaced... I just need to let him Rest In Peace... somehow.
It's funny how quickly we RUN through our every day lives without even taking the time to REMEMBER. The funny thing is, I still haven't gotten to that point where concerning Jason. It happened with Mahdi, happened with D.P., it happened with almost every homie I knew to die... there just came a day when I didn't think about them anymore, but with Jason- it's just different. Three weeks ago I went to visit a friend who stays around the corner from me. He is actually a guy I was feeling for a LOOOOOONG while, and after all this time I could never figure out why... until he walked out of his door to lead me to his apt. Don't get me wrong, I always thought he was a cutie; but when I looked up from the asphalt into his face- I was so stunned. He looked just like Jason. The Skin. The Eyes. The Hair. It all makes so much sense now. I think that because he subconsciously reminds me of Jason, I have built this false obsession. I dunno, all I know is I miss him.
No words can express how much I needed him in my life and no words can express how much I hurt because he is gone. I have a lot of acquaintances, but I have never had many friends. Someone without sneaky motives, someone who genuinely cared for me, someone who was willing to be real with me even when it meant taking away someone I thought was my blood.
Things will get easier come fall, that constant reminder will be moving to Cleveland and I can stop holding on for all the wrong reasons. No, I won't forget him, but I can't keep thinking about him everyday like he's still alive, it's not healthy. He will never be replaced... I just need to let him Rest In Peace... somehow.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Things Are How They Should Be
I am finally coming to the conclusion that life is not a game. These is no amount of clothing, make- up, friends, money, etc. that can change who we really are. If someone likes you, they will like you no matter what you do or say. If someone has it made up in their mind that they don't like you, it's the same situation. You can kick it with someone for months, they may even become one of you closest acquaintances, but the fact remains- that if their first impression of you was ill- & they actually believed some pre conceived notions, once one argument triggers them... their true feelings about you WILL come out.
Lately I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I am constantly looking in the mirror and I am always questioning everything I think and do. I guess I have been so concerned with finding love from other people that I forgot how self sufficient I am. I am finally regaining control over my life... I haven't been late with any school assignments, I go home to Cleveland almost every weekend, I am still holding it down at Nordstrom and my girl has finally turned my name in at Delphi. I will hopefully be moving out of this apartment by September and I can't wait.
I am just ready to move into another phase of life. This era is over. I can see a change in myself, I no longer need to go to the club 3 times a weeks, honestly I haven't been out in CO in over a month. I just want to clear the air. No more niggas, no more drama; the kappa I just got done dealing with made me wake up to the fact that I don't have the patience to deal with weak little boys anymore. He lead me on for the last month then got back with his ex girlfriend, and what for? He was the one who liked me, he was the one who called me, invited me over, asked me out, etc. Why create drama for no reason? Why even waste your time? I don't get it. More than anything I can't be a hypocrite because as I told our mutual friend Myk and even my girl Tiff, I wasn't really feeling him. He was just another dude I was using to pass the time with, and I can't do that anymore.
I am at the point of no return. Everyone I need, is in my life right now. As of this moment, there are no hards feelings between me and anyone I really care about. A couple of guys I was actually damn near obsessed with in years passed, have become friendly- and I am even happier to know it won't go any further than friendship; but some niggas are just cool to chat with here and there.
Right now I am just focusing on not sweating the small stuff, mainly because I have a lot to be happy about right now. People come and people go. You can't always worry about what could have been, but rather we need to be happy about what is.
I'm not involved with anyone anymore... other than Polaris, but I am even thinking about cutting him off too. We have been sitting idle for almost a year now. What scares me more than anything is my lack of feelings for him. Last year at this time I was almost convinced that he would be the first person to make me fall in love, now- he is more around, just because I've grown accustom to him. There is no more poem writing, away messages, cooking, and I only text in response to his. It kind of makes me sad because I think that this last year has hardened my heart. There is not too much or too many I care about anymore. Even where the kappa was concerned, last year at this time- under normal circumstances... when a guy initiated the feelings- after being in his presence for so long, I would have started to gain feelings too, but now- it's just time wasted. Yea. But who knows, it's July 20th... maybe something good will happen today. H.B.D. Esco Bar!!!
Lately I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I am constantly looking in the mirror and I am always questioning everything I think and do. I guess I have been so concerned with finding love from other people that I forgot how self sufficient I am. I am finally regaining control over my life... I haven't been late with any school assignments, I go home to Cleveland almost every weekend, I am still holding it down at Nordstrom and my girl has finally turned my name in at Delphi. I will hopefully be moving out of this apartment by September and I can't wait.
I am just ready to move into another phase of life. This era is over. I can see a change in myself, I no longer need to go to the club 3 times a weeks, honestly I haven't been out in CO in over a month. I just want to clear the air. No more niggas, no more drama; the kappa I just got done dealing with made me wake up to the fact that I don't have the patience to deal with weak little boys anymore. He lead me on for the last month then got back with his ex girlfriend, and what for? He was the one who liked me, he was the one who called me, invited me over, asked me out, etc. Why create drama for no reason? Why even waste your time? I don't get it. More than anything I can't be a hypocrite because as I told our mutual friend Myk and even my girl Tiff, I wasn't really feeling him. He was just another dude I was using to pass the time with, and I can't do that anymore.
I am at the point of no return. Everyone I need, is in my life right now. As of this moment, there are no hards feelings between me and anyone I really care about. A couple of guys I was actually damn near obsessed with in years passed, have become friendly- and I am even happier to know it won't go any further than friendship; but some niggas are just cool to chat with here and there.
Right now I am just focusing on not sweating the small stuff, mainly because I have a lot to be happy about right now. People come and people go. You can't always worry about what could have been, but rather we need to be happy about what is.
I'm not involved with anyone anymore... other than Polaris, but I am even thinking about cutting him off too. We have been sitting idle for almost a year now. What scares me more than anything is my lack of feelings for him. Last year at this time I was almost convinced that he would be the first person to make me fall in love, now- he is more around, just because I've grown accustom to him. There is no more poem writing, away messages, cooking, and I only text in response to his. It kind of makes me sad because I think that this last year has hardened my heart. There is not too much or too many I care about anymore. Even where the kappa was concerned, last year at this time- under normal circumstances... when a guy initiated the feelings- after being in his presence for so long, I would have started to gain feelings too, but now- it's just time wasted. Yea. But who knows, it's July 20th... maybe something good will happen today. H.B.D. Esco Bar!!!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
N.A.S. PHI N.A.S.
I will never forget my senior year of high school when my friends and I started a little fake sorority- Niggas Ain't Shit! The worse thing is that all the values of that sorority still apply. I had been talking to this little Kappa for the last month or so and as of last night I found that he is just another pathetic excuse and waste of a Black man. If I hadn't gone to Applebees with my boy Myk, I guess I never would have found out that this Kappa was kicking it with his ex girlfriend... the same ex girlfriend he has been dogging for the last month. "She was never there for me while I was online", "she always would cancel our plans to hang out with her girls", "she only hit me up when she wanted to have sex", "the last straw was when she didn't come to my pro show earlier this year." I sometimes wonder if niggas talk just because they like the sound of their own voice?
The nigga talked all that shit, now I go to his facebook page a moment ago and his he is now in a relationship with her? That shit is hilarious! Niggas can't tell the damn truth to save their lives! And what I am wondering now is if that niggas thinks that I am going to be loyal? The secrets he told me about a couple of his frat bruhs. The secret he told me about one of the dudes that dropped off his line... You got me fucked up homie! I'm telling it all. Only niggas I am loyal to are the one who are loyal to me! I got your mutha fuckin ticket bitch! It's all good.
The nigga talked all that shit, now I go to his facebook page a moment ago and his he is now in a relationship with her? That shit is hilarious! Niggas can't tell the damn truth to save their lives! And what I am wondering now is if that niggas thinks that I am going to be loyal? The secrets he told me about a couple of his frat bruhs. The secret he told me about one of the dudes that dropped off his line... You got me fucked up homie! I'm telling it all. Only niggas I am loyal to are the one who are loyal to me! I got your mutha fuckin ticket bitch! It's all good.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
SOME Men Care
These Are The Three Sweetest/Romantic Moments Of My Life To Date...
What I Call The Best Days Of My Life EVER!!!
Yesterday after I talked to Myk- I was sitting here in my apt. thinking over my past. Myk & I had just had a conversation and for once in our friendship the tables were turned because he is "mad" about some "thing" going on in his life and I am ecstatic about a new man I have in my life. It got me to realizing that things have not always been so bad for me. No I didn't get Jason Moore, Sean Coffey and more recently my lastest big crushes Polaris, Esco Bar, & My Lil' Squirrel- but I do remember when I did get someone worth having, and since then I have called it the best day of my life! The date:1997, The place: W.H. Kirk Middle School, The boy: Darryl Copeland.
I will never forget how I looked in Jr. High School. At the time I thought I was cute, but I was a hot mess; I was a full breed tomboy with a prissy side? Right! To make a long story short- back then as now, the men I REALLY wanted didn't pay me any mind. I was not very popular, but two of my best friends at the time were Delonte Fomby and Sean Coffey (ironically). They were both athletes who played football, basketball and baseball and even more importantly they were close friends with their teammate Darryl Copeland.
From the time we were in seventh grade, I always did like "Cope". And once our "eighth grade dance" came, I could only dream that he would be my date- but that was OUT OF THE QUESTION. He was a popular athlete and- I was just me, lol. I will never forget hearing all the girls talk about him everyday in the locker room during gym and practice(yes- I once was a jock contrary to popular belief!). Friends would rationalize about who was more eligible to ask him out to the dance and most times I would just sit and rationalize to myself, "all these girls are pretty and popular, they have all the name brand clothes, they all belong to these cliques with other popular girls, but me- I was just a tomboy with a slew of male friends, I had nothing to offer!
It was two weeks before the dance and I had pretty much given up on the idea of "Cope" and I ever talking, let alone going to the dance together. I did somehow convince Sean Coffey to buy a ticket- so if push came to shove, I would sucker him into taking me; but that was as close as I was going to get to a date, so I thought.
I will never forget sitting on the charter bus on the way home from our Cedar Pointe trip. I shared a seat with one of my friends and this girl Nicole sat in the seat behind me and across from her was another one of my class mates Roby. I can recall the agony of listening to her profess her love of "Cope" to his boy Roby. As I sat there- I dug myself emotionally into a deeper ditch... She had the pretty skin, long curly hair, every pair of Jordan's that came out (now I realize none of that shit really matters- if I knew then what I know now, lol) there was no way I could compete with her. The bitch just went on and on about how much they liked each other and how she wish he had made the Cedar Pointe trip because she had planned to ask him to the dance- and right then, my heart broke...
Well, all of five seconds later these words came out of Roby's mouth and to this day I can quote them verbatim, "He is not going to go with you because he wants to take her!" as he pointed my way. I will never forget that moment of relief. He didn't ended up asking me until a Thursday night almost four days later. Fomby called me on three way and initiated what I call the best day of my life. I wore a teal and white dress with white shoes, he had on a black tux, my hair was not in the classic ponytail but done for once and when I walked into the dance on Cope's arm, it was the best feeling ever. I was with the most popular guy in the school, it was an upset- a W that should have never occured, I was with the boy all the other girls wanted and yet HE CHOOSE ME!
It's funny now thinking back, I always complain about the losers I've dated but my senior year I was the infamous date of Michael Pierson who won King at Collinwood's Homecoming when we went together and my boyfriend Maize & Blue was voted most popular and most likely to succeed. Just goes to show- people are never satisfied, even when they've had the best of the best- it's never enough!
My second sweetest moment in life took place a while ago also- but more recently! The date 2002 (March 21st during spring break), The Place: Morrison Tower room 723 (OSU Campus), and the Man: David Lanier. I went through so much bullshit my freshman year with everyone from friends to family. So when I realized my dorm was year around (because of international students) I decided not to go home to Cleveland and stay at OSU over spring break. At the time I was working in Kennedy Commons and I use to meet different guys from all over campus, that's where and how I met Dave. I remember my friend Jori having a crush on him and I do remember introducing them, but somewhere in there we became friends too. He stayed a floor from me in my dorms and we would chat occasionally.
We ran into each other the first day of break and realized that we were both going to be in Columbus the entire time, so he invited me to go on a lunch date the next afternoon. Of course when the time came, I was no where close to being ready, so I im'd him and asked if we could just order in and stay in the dorms. He came up to my room and ordered a large pizza from Papa John's (seeing that my roomie Freda was staying during break too). A while later he went to get the pizza from down stairs and I thought he was never coming back!
I would say about fifteen or twenty minutes passed before he arrived with the two boxes of pizza? I was a little puzzled because I remembered him only ordering one pizza. We all three began to eat, then after all of six minutes of containing my nosy tendencies I asked, "what's in the other box?" and he replied, "open it and see." Of course I am punk and felt a little weirded out by the whole situation so I wouldn't... and Dave finally opened the box in front of me...
I was stunned! As you can see above, inside the box was different colored roses and rose petals- I could have cried! Of course the following year was spent showered in love from my boy Dave. On my birthday he came to surprise me with a bottle of Moet, yet he was surprised when Maize & Blue answered the door. He would leave me encouraging notes and flowers once again during that year. Though, I will never forget how I would walk pass the front desk of Morrison and see floral arrangements damn near once a week. I would always think to myself... I wish someone would send me flowers. Then, the day before classes started my sophomore year, I walked pass and saw a floral arrangement yet again. I was pleasantly surprised after receiving a message from my front desk that they were for me.
It's too bad Dave had to transfer, but he brought a lot of memorable moments to my life. Even now, when we talk on the phone ONCE EVERY SIX MONTHS, or on aim here and there- I feel special and honored to have a friend like him. I remember last year he asked me if I knew what the look on my face looked like the first time he saw me walking out of the doors of Morrison and the first time he gave me flowers. He said that is what he sees every time he looks at my screen name. CLASSIC!
Drum Roll (Damn this entry and getting super long)
The Date: February 14, 2002, The Place: Morrison Tower 1007, The Man: Jamel Gordon
The final sweetest moment of my life came after a long night. Corey Thomas, Jasmine Jordan and I had spent hours looking for a Valentine's gift for his girl. Somewhere in between shopping and starving I got the most gigantic migraine ever. I spent the rest of the night in my dorm room vomiting with a fever. I am no help to the world when I am even slightly sick, so when Jamel continued to call me I ended up cursing him out and hung up on him. I later found out that he was on his way to bring me some soup- so I will forever be in his debt because I acted like a jerk!
Two weeks previous I had been asked to be Jamel's valentine so I came up with the best idea ever. He was so into his frat (Iota Phi Theta) and I had seen a musical bear that was brown and yellow. It took me forever to find the store again, but I bought it and my girl Summar drove me all over to about five store before we could find a voicebox. I recorded his theme song Fuck Them Other Niggas, put it in the bear and combined with a HUGE hershey's kiss and a card- that was his gift.
I was still sick when he came to my room that morning. My hair was all over my head, hadn't showered yet and basically looked like shit. I will never forget he had two bags, a balloon and a rose. He stood half way in the door as he handed me the Victoria Secrets bag with the fragrance PINK (which I still wear to this day), then he gave me the rose and balloon. As we continued to talk I realized that the second bag was from Crystal Classics in City Center. In my head I can remember thinking... damn- who did he get that for! I knew the caliber of the store sense I had spent many hours window shopping there. It's funny because even now, I can still remember thinking to myself, dang- he did it up for his other valentine... but when the boy handed me the bag a few minutes later- I could have fainted.
Jamel would always tell me he felt like he was a cat and I was a mouse because he was always chasing me (which was so untrue). Everyday he would say that to me! Inside the boxes were a SWAROVSKI cat a mice. It was so sweet because the gift played into his infamous line and more importantly it showed me that he knew a lot more about me than I ever knew. I always talk about SWAROVSKI, not with the intentions of someone buying me a gift- but it was refreshing to see that some men listen. I need to try and remember that!... No matter what you look like, how you act or who you are some men listen! Some men care!
What I Call The Best Days Of My Life EVER!!!
Yesterday after I talked to Myk- I was sitting here in my apt. thinking over my past. Myk & I had just had a conversation and for once in our friendship the tables were turned because he is "mad" about some "thing" going on in his life and I am ecstatic about a new man I have in my life. It got me to realizing that things have not always been so bad for me. No I didn't get Jason Moore, Sean Coffey and more recently my lastest big crushes Polaris, Esco Bar, & My Lil' Squirrel- but I do remember when I did get someone worth having, and since then I have called it the best day of my life! The date:1997, The place: W.H. Kirk Middle School, The boy: Darryl Copeland.
I will never forget how I looked in Jr. High School. At the time I thought I was cute, but I was a hot mess; I was a full breed tomboy with a prissy side? Right! To make a long story short- back then as now, the men I REALLY wanted didn't pay me any mind. I was not very popular, but two of my best friends at the time were Delonte Fomby and Sean Coffey (ironically). They were both athletes who played football, basketball and baseball and even more importantly they were close friends with their teammate Darryl Copeland.
From the time we were in seventh grade, I always did like "Cope". And once our "eighth grade dance" came, I could only dream that he would be my date- but that was OUT OF THE QUESTION. He was a popular athlete and- I was just me, lol. I will never forget hearing all the girls talk about him everyday in the locker room during gym and practice(yes- I once was a jock contrary to popular belief!). Friends would rationalize about who was more eligible to ask him out to the dance and most times I would just sit and rationalize to myself, "all these girls are pretty and popular, they have all the name brand clothes, they all belong to these cliques with other popular girls, but me- I was just a tomboy with a slew of male friends, I had nothing to offer!
It was two weeks before the dance and I had pretty much given up on the idea of "Cope" and I ever talking, let alone going to the dance together. I did somehow convince Sean Coffey to buy a ticket- so if push came to shove, I would sucker him into taking me; but that was as close as I was going to get to a date, so I thought.
I will never forget sitting on the charter bus on the way home from our Cedar Pointe trip. I shared a seat with one of my friends and this girl Nicole sat in the seat behind me and across from her was another one of my class mates Roby. I can recall the agony of listening to her profess her love of "Cope" to his boy Roby. As I sat there- I dug myself emotionally into a deeper ditch... She had the pretty skin, long curly hair, every pair of Jordan's that came out (now I realize none of that shit really matters- if I knew then what I know now, lol) there was no way I could compete with her. The bitch just went on and on about how much they liked each other and how she wish he had made the Cedar Pointe trip because she had planned to ask him to the dance- and right then, my heart broke...
Well, all of five seconds later these words came out of Roby's mouth and to this day I can quote them verbatim, "He is not going to go with you because he wants to take her!" as he pointed my way. I will never forget that moment of relief. He didn't ended up asking me until a Thursday night almost four days later. Fomby called me on three way and initiated what I call the best day of my life. I wore a teal and white dress with white shoes, he had on a black tux, my hair was not in the classic ponytail but done for once and when I walked into the dance on Cope's arm, it was the best feeling ever. I was with the most popular guy in the school, it was an upset- a W that should have never occured, I was with the boy all the other girls wanted and yet HE CHOOSE ME!
It's funny now thinking back, I always complain about the losers I've dated but my senior year I was the infamous date of Michael Pierson who won King at Collinwood's Homecoming when we went together and my boyfriend Maize & Blue was voted most popular and most likely to succeed. Just goes to show- people are never satisfied, even when they've had the best of the best- it's never enough!
My second sweetest moment in life took place a while ago also- but more recently! The date 2002 (March 21st during spring break), The Place: Morrison Tower room 723 (OSU Campus), and the Man: David Lanier. I went through so much bullshit my freshman year with everyone from friends to family. So when I realized my dorm was year around (because of international students) I decided not to go home to Cleveland and stay at OSU over spring break. At the time I was working in Kennedy Commons and I use to meet different guys from all over campus, that's where and how I met Dave. I remember my friend Jori having a crush on him and I do remember introducing them, but somewhere in there we became friends too. He stayed a floor from me in my dorms and we would chat occasionally.
We ran into each other the first day of break and realized that we were both going to be in Columbus the entire time, so he invited me to go on a lunch date the next afternoon. Of course when the time came, I was no where close to being ready, so I im'd him and asked if we could just order in and stay in the dorms. He came up to my room and ordered a large pizza from Papa John's (seeing that my roomie Freda was staying during break too). A while later he went to get the pizza from down stairs and I thought he was never coming back!
I would say about fifteen or twenty minutes passed before he arrived with the two boxes of pizza? I was a little puzzled because I remembered him only ordering one pizza. We all three began to eat, then after all of six minutes of containing my nosy tendencies I asked, "what's in the other box?" and he replied, "open it and see." Of course I am punk and felt a little weirded out by the whole situation so I wouldn't... and Dave finally opened the box in front of me...
I was stunned! As you can see above, inside the box was different colored roses and rose petals- I could have cried! Of course the following year was spent showered in love from my boy Dave. On my birthday he came to surprise me with a bottle of Moet, yet he was surprised when Maize & Blue answered the door. He would leave me encouraging notes and flowers once again during that year. Though, I will never forget how I would walk pass the front desk of Morrison and see floral arrangements damn near once a week. I would always think to myself... I wish someone would send me flowers. Then, the day before classes started my sophomore year, I walked pass and saw a floral arrangement yet again. I was pleasantly surprised after receiving a message from my front desk that they were for me.
It's too bad Dave had to transfer, but he brought a lot of memorable moments to my life. Even now, when we talk on the phone ONCE EVERY SIX MONTHS, or on aim here and there- I feel special and honored to have a friend like him. I remember last year he asked me if I knew what the look on my face looked like the first time he saw me walking out of the doors of Morrison and the first time he gave me flowers. He said that is what he sees every time he looks at my screen name. CLASSIC!
Drum Roll (Damn this entry and getting super long)
The Date: February 14, 2002, The Place: Morrison Tower 1007, The Man: Jamel Gordon
The final sweetest moment of my life came after a long night. Corey Thomas, Jasmine Jordan and I had spent hours looking for a Valentine's gift for his girl. Somewhere in between shopping and starving I got the most gigantic migraine ever. I spent the rest of the night in my dorm room vomiting with a fever. I am no help to the world when I am even slightly sick, so when Jamel continued to call me I ended up cursing him out and hung up on him. I later found out that he was on his way to bring me some soup- so I will forever be in his debt because I acted like a jerk!
Two weeks previous I had been asked to be Jamel's valentine so I came up with the best idea ever. He was so into his frat (Iota Phi Theta) and I had seen a musical bear that was brown and yellow. It took me forever to find the store again, but I bought it and my girl Summar drove me all over to about five store before we could find a voicebox. I recorded his theme song Fuck Them Other Niggas, put it in the bear and combined with a HUGE hershey's kiss and a card- that was his gift.
I was still sick when he came to my room that morning. My hair was all over my head, hadn't showered yet and basically looked like shit. I will never forget he had two bags, a balloon and a rose. He stood half way in the door as he handed me the Victoria Secrets bag with the fragrance PINK (which I still wear to this day), then he gave me the rose and balloon. As we continued to talk I realized that the second bag was from Crystal Classics in City Center. In my head I can remember thinking... damn- who did he get that for! I knew the caliber of the store sense I had spent many hours window shopping there. It's funny because even now, I can still remember thinking to myself, dang- he did it up for his other valentine... but when the boy handed me the bag a few minutes later- I could have fainted.
Jamel would always tell me he felt like he was a cat and I was a mouse because he was always chasing me (which was so untrue). Everyday he would say that to me! Inside the boxes were a SWAROVSKI cat a mice. It was so sweet because the gift played into his infamous line and more importantly it showed me that he knew a lot more about me than I ever knew. I always talk about SWAROVSKI, not with the intentions of someone buying me a gift- but it was refreshing to see that some men listen. I need to try and remember that!... No matter what you look like, how you act or who you are some men listen! Some men care!
Saturday, July 08, 2006
What To Do- What To Do?
I know I should be looking at the obvious; fast money goes fast.
But I been too concerned with love and finding someone to make me laugh.
Someone who will be real- someone who will give his hand to me.
Someone to take care of me- a nigga worth making a family.
So sick of CO & OSU niggas always thinking they high and mighty.
Just looking for that dude to coincide with me not one who always tryna fight with me.
Not really throwing in the towel- but I am stepping up my standards.
Sick of him being my employee- time for that promotion to my MANager.
I have been thinking a lot about possibilities lately; what could have been, what is and what still can be. My mom has been telling my brother in law Emery not to sell himself short. He is a talented videographer who is constantly swiping his trade for things that are not comparable. I guess from the outside looking in- I am realizing that I do the same thing just in a different manner- I am constantly settling for shit that is not worth my time nor effort.
Well, I know one thing- I am going to go for what I know. I am no longer going to give more than I receive. I am pretty much sick of dealing with the shenanigans of others. I know what I want and I know what it takes to get there. I am not doing to predetermine failure with "Big Time" just because the stability isn't there. The fact is- things change. "Big Time" told me that he needs a girl like me in his life because I bring so much positivity; I will cause him to accomplish things that he has previously been shied from. So, I am ready to step up to the plate, I guess...
Today at work David and Eddie asked me where I was going out to tonite and I said no where. They immediately said, "H.R. (my nickname at work) musta got a boyfriend!" The funny thing is- I am burnt out. I am sick of dealing with bullshit- so now, even though I know there are other men I like and care about- I am feeling like throwing in the card. Yea, I am still a commitment phobic- but "B" is so real, so cool, so right- that he actually has me considering what I should do.
But I been too concerned with love and finding someone to make me laugh.
Someone who will be real- someone who will give his hand to me.
Someone to take care of me- a nigga worth making a family.
So sick of CO & OSU niggas always thinking they high and mighty.
Just looking for that dude to coincide with me not one who always tryna fight with me.
Not really throwing in the towel- but I am stepping up my standards.
Sick of him being my employee- time for that promotion to my MANager.
I have been thinking a lot about possibilities lately; what could have been, what is and what still can be. My mom has been telling my brother in law Emery not to sell himself short. He is a talented videographer who is constantly swiping his trade for things that are not comparable. I guess from the outside looking in- I am realizing that I do the same thing just in a different manner- I am constantly settling for shit that is not worth my time nor effort.
Well, I know one thing- I am going to go for what I know. I am no longer going to give more than I receive. I am pretty much sick of dealing with the shenanigans of others. I know what I want and I know what it takes to get there. I am not doing to predetermine failure with "Big Time" just because the stability isn't there. The fact is- things change. "Big Time" told me that he needs a girl like me in his life because I bring so much positivity; I will cause him to accomplish things that he has previously been shied from. So, I am ready to step up to the plate, I guess...
Today at work David and Eddie asked me where I was going out to tonite and I said no where. They immediately said, "H.R. (my nickname at work) musta got a boyfriend!" The funny thing is- I am burnt out. I am sick of dealing with bullshit- so now, even though I know there are other men I like and care about- I am feeling like throwing in the card. Yea, I am still a commitment phobic- but "B" is so real, so cool, so right- that he actually has me considering what I should do.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Things Are Not Always What They Seem!
I was thinking about Mary J. Blige today...or rather, I was thinking about something Nikki said about Mary J. Blige the other day. She mentioned that her music was much better when she was unhappy and going through drama. I think that most relate to the work others when it is concerning some sort of misfortune, because we can all relate to pain. Happiness, well that's another subject- but what we all know is that it's something that doesn't come with regularity in life. Sitting back and observing all the artist we love and admire from actors to musicians, most of them are unhappy. They may portray an image of sanity to the media, but deep down inside it couldn't be farther from the truth. Many of them are bad parents, have failing marriages, and contrary to popular belief- many have financial problems also. Things are not always what they seem!
My sister once had a friend who claimed to be in love. Any chance she got to throw it in my sister's face, was not passed in vain. She bragged about relocating out of state and taking a better job, being engaged, blah blah blah. Well, as it turned out, she did transfer in her company- but the job was the same title- same pay, she did move out of state but she was doing so to tag along to her dead beat fiance' who has now become her deadbeat estranged baby's dad. All along she would have us believe she was living a life worth envying... but things are not always what they seem!
When I began my freshman year here at OSU, I had a friend who was hot to get married. He actually proposed to me on different occasions, but at the time I was way too young for marriage. I told him I would marry him in five years (funny, if he had waited- we would be married right now!). He was a great guy; had a degree- which lead him to a nice career as a Chemist, a car, a home, etc... oh and he was also a VIRGIN!?!? Of course he was not willing to wait the five years for me and up until February- last I heard he got married to a "familiar face". She was comparable to him, educated, came from a nice family, etc... oh yea- & hot to get married too. So wed they did. To make a long story short, she left him for a local dope boy. My friend continued to support her for months hoping that she would "come to her senses" but she never did so he moved on and divorce the "familiar face" behind her back. The day their divorce was final, he called her and said, "Bitch! We're divorced," while she was back at home in VA celebrating her father's birthday. The rest of the family thought they were happy newly weds. The rest of the family though he was arriving on a later flight. But what the rest of the family didn't realize is that, things are not always what they seem!
Happiness is circumstantial as are opinions. What angle you're looking from, whose side you're hearing, how you were raised, etc. will all factor into what you believe. But, the truth is not circumstantial- the truth is final. No matter what rumor you heard you don't know for a fact unless you were there to witness it for your yourself. If you heard a girl or guy is a hoe, were you the third person there involved in the orgy? No! So, how can you say for sure? If you think that a person has feelings for someone in question, are you Ms. Cleo or one of Dionne Warwick's psychic friends? No! So, how do you know for sure?
The fact is, you can never assume. Someone may seem happy while all along they are going through hell inside. Someone may put on a front like they
are happy, while all they are concerned with is outside appearance. Someone may actually be happy while all along the things or persons who are causing this happiness are being swept right from under their feet. What we must try harder to do is stop judging others. Stop comparing ourselves amongst ourselves. Who really knows what happiness is anyway? My happiness is way different from your happiness! Just as Mary performs better when she is angry- I tend to write better when I am angry. I guess it's that our talent is rooted to our pain. And WE ALL have that common denominator of pain. I guess this is why people just can't be happy for me. I guess this is why bitches hate. I guess this is why you have to try and bring me down when you see me reaching my goal. People pretend to be down with you but, things are not always what they seem!
"Niggas frown when you up and smile when you down. And when you change for the better life, fools stop comin' around" ~UGK Diamonds and Wood
Fuck you hating dastardly ass BITCH!
My sister once had a friend who claimed to be in love. Any chance she got to throw it in my sister's face, was not passed in vain. She bragged about relocating out of state and taking a better job, being engaged, blah blah blah. Well, as it turned out, she did transfer in her company- but the job was the same title- same pay, she did move out of state but she was doing so to tag along to her dead beat fiance' who has now become her deadbeat estranged baby's dad. All along she would have us believe she was living a life worth envying... but things are not always what they seem!
When I began my freshman year here at OSU, I had a friend who was hot to get married. He actually proposed to me on different occasions, but at the time I was way too young for marriage. I told him I would marry him in five years (funny, if he had waited- we would be married right now!). He was a great guy; had a degree- which lead him to a nice career as a Chemist, a car, a home, etc... oh and he was also a VIRGIN!?!? Of course he was not willing to wait the five years for me and up until February- last I heard he got married to a "familiar face". She was comparable to him, educated, came from a nice family, etc... oh yea- & hot to get married too. So wed they did. To make a long story short, she left him for a local dope boy. My friend continued to support her for months hoping that she would "come to her senses" but she never did so he moved on and divorce the "familiar face" behind her back. The day their divorce was final, he called her and said, "Bitch! We're divorced," while she was back at home in VA celebrating her father's birthday. The rest of the family thought they were happy newly weds. The rest of the family though he was arriving on a later flight. But what the rest of the family didn't realize is that, things are not always what they seem!
Happiness is circumstantial as are opinions. What angle you're looking from, whose side you're hearing, how you were raised, etc. will all factor into what you believe. But, the truth is not circumstantial- the truth is final. No matter what rumor you heard you don't know for a fact unless you were there to witness it for your yourself. If you heard a girl or guy is a hoe, were you the third person there involved in the orgy? No! So, how can you say for sure? If you think that a person has feelings for someone in question, are you Ms. Cleo or one of Dionne Warwick's psychic friends? No! So, how do you know for sure?
The fact is, you can never assume. Someone may seem happy while all along they are going through hell inside. Someone may put on a front like they
are happy, while all they are concerned with is outside appearance. Someone may actually be happy while all along the things or persons who are causing this happiness are being swept right from under their feet. What we must try harder to do is stop judging others. Stop comparing ourselves amongst ourselves. Who really knows what happiness is anyway? My happiness is way different from your happiness! Just as Mary performs better when she is angry- I tend to write better when I am angry. I guess it's that our talent is rooted to our pain. And WE ALL have that common denominator of pain. I guess this is why people just can't be happy for me. I guess this is why bitches hate. I guess this is why you have to try and bring me down when you see me reaching my goal. People pretend to be down with you but, things are not always what they seem!
"Niggas frown when you up and smile when you down. And when you change for the better life, fools stop comin' around" ~UGK Diamonds and Wood
Fuck you hating dastardly ass BITCH!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
The Jack Pot!!!
I once heard statistics read by one of the journalists at 107.5 about monogamous relationships. It said some thing to the effect that women tend to be in happier relationships where monogamy is kept sacred when the man has less education (no college degree specifically) and is just working. I was also talking to my boy here at OSU last summer and I remember him telling me that city niggas LOVE college girls. They feel that we are superior and worth having around, and when they get with one of us they feel as if they have hit The Jackpot. I am not so sure about the first, but I know the latter is true. Us college girls are spectacular- but most of our Black men do not recognize this, so we either have the choice of doing two things... sitting and waiting for these niggas to come around to their senses or move on.
After going home this weekend I now realize that I am selling myself short. I have been tripping over these college boys who have nothing but a piece of paper and an attitude. Truth be told, if these dudes were thrown in this world with out that piece of paper or popularity because of a sport or frat, they wouldn't survive. Once we scratch the surface- how many of these niggas have enough personality to keep themselves awake? Not too many!
Well, this weekend I met someone who immediately confessed to me that he feels as if he has hit The Jackpot when he met me. I am not going to reveal any premature feelings about him just yet- but "those" feelings are mutual. He is one of the "types" I have always wanted to date, but never thought I would get with on this level. I always see those girls out and about and I have read books where things like this happen; but as a stared out of the window of his condo in the Flats my first thought was... I hit The damn Jackpot! I met someone with just as much "swagger" as me...
Quote
"Your Gucci glasses are real nice! I have like five pair I never wear. I have come to the conclusion that a real man only wears Cartier."
End Quote
Now, I'm not saying I'm a Gold Digger, but comments like that just make me want to be. And even further comments like that gives me the ability to appreciate a real man and makes me want to dog OSU niggas even more who think they are on this fucking pedestal because they are enrolled here. Most of you niggas can't even hold a real conversation let alone pay for dinner! Keep it moving.
I never thought that being turned away from a club (because Nikki is only 19 & can't get an ID) would end so gracefully, but I met Big Time or "B" as I like to call him. And I bet Nikki never thought that sneaking into Spy so ungracefully would end so nicely, but somewhere between coming and going she met her NBA player.
Yea, we're two college WOMEN, but we damn for sure hit The Jackpot
His Eyes
Another poem from about a year ago about a certain OSU man (Esco Bar) I was feeling, enjoy!
It's funny, because in my mind I want to date him, in my heart I want to be his friend.
But he won't give me the chance to do either, because of how my past has sinned.
Man, but every time I see him- I just get all the more encouraged.
Because his eyes tell me something his loyalty to his boy tries to discourage.
I have this problem with sitting on the back burner and letting good men pass me by.
Either because of my lack of self confidence... or my inability to say, "hi".
Cause when he walkes by I am frozen, because he is so damn sexy.
And everything is his eyes- just seems to reflect me.
And I know it's not just in my head because my girl was there to witness.
How much he was feeling me- even though he tries to keep his distance.
Cause he was all in here ear; his voice belonged to her, both his eyes were all mine.
And if his boy was not there to hate, oh yea- I'd be occupying a lot of his time.
But now the tracks are laid down, 1st impressions gone with the wind.
And though I'm at OSU to learn, my dilemma is how to get in?
What do I have to do to make you forget about our mutual connection?
What game I got to spit in your ear- so our hearts can have the same final destination?
Can I dial you 10 digits in hopes that the 1st 3 starts as mine?
Cause I hear you're from E.C. which is just another positive sign.
Cause I am the kinda girl that's does no wrong- I will keep those eyes focused.
Tell me what I got to do, to get my feelings noticed.
Even though our chances are dead on arrival, I am a firm believer in resuscitation.
We can do this anytime you want, Lecture... Discussion... Recitation!
I wish I could holla at you one on one without any outside opinions.
Then maybe we can get to the point that I'm trying to be getting.
Have you found your soul mate- what do you do with your spare time?
Can I be one of those extra curricular activities? And can you be mine (soul mate)?
Cause I want to look into your eyes and see right through your soul.
Maybe I am thinking too far ahead, but there is something deeper I need to know.
Let me see to your heart or just let me see something with in.
Don't want to speak just in passing, can we at least be friends.
But why stunt our relationship over something that you have no concrete evidence of?
He said, she said, we are too old... far beyond- way above.
Because I want to inspire you to carry out what your eyes have already spoken.
Start speaking from your mouth, stop pretending to be blind when your eyes are wide open.
It's funny, because in my mind I want to date him, in my heart I want to be his friend.
But he won't give me the chance to do either, because of how my past has sinned.
Man, but every time I see him- I just get all the more encouraged.
Because his eyes tell me something his loyalty to his boy tries to discourage.
I have this problem with sitting on the back burner and letting good men pass me by.
Either because of my lack of self confidence... or my inability to say, "hi".
Cause when he walkes by I am frozen, because he is so damn sexy.
And everything is his eyes- just seems to reflect me.
And I know it's not just in my head because my girl was there to witness.
How much he was feeling me- even though he tries to keep his distance.
Cause he was all in here ear; his voice belonged to her, both his eyes were all mine.
And if his boy was not there to hate, oh yea- I'd be occupying a lot of his time.
But now the tracks are laid down, 1st impressions gone with the wind.
And though I'm at OSU to learn, my dilemma is how to get in?
What do I have to do to make you forget about our mutual connection?
What game I got to spit in your ear- so our hearts can have the same final destination?
Can I dial you 10 digits in hopes that the 1st 3 starts as mine?
Cause I hear you're from E.C. which is just another positive sign.
Cause I am the kinda girl that's does no wrong- I will keep those eyes focused.
Tell me what I got to do, to get my feelings noticed.
Even though our chances are dead on arrival, I am a firm believer in resuscitation.
We can do this anytime you want, Lecture... Discussion... Recitation!
I wish I could holla at you one on one without any outside opinions.
Then maybe we can get to the point that I'm trying to be getting.
Have you found your soul mate- what do you do with your spare time?
Can I be one of those extra curricular activities? And can you be mine (soul mate)?
Cause I want to look into your eyes and see right through your soul.
Maybe I am thinking too far ahead, but there is something deeper I need to know.
Let me see to your heart or just let me see something with in.
Don't want to speak just in passing, can we at least be friends.
But why stunt our relationship over something that you have no concrete evidence of?
He said, she said, we are too old... far beyond- way above.
Because I want to inspire you to carry out what your eyes have already spoken.
Start speaking from your mouth, stop pretending to be blind when your eyes are wide open.
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