If You Can't Be With The One You Love, Love The One You're With!

This parable is funny but true... unfortunately I could never follow it. I'm not a settler, if I can't HAVE what I want, I don't want a damn thing! It's all or nothing for me. This time around I'm 23, and what I thought could be more than a crush... is simply crushing me, so in turn I'm going to TRY and let it go for once. I am not going to obsess over it. I have learned to only take serious the men who take me seriously. If you're not man enough to be with, if you're not man enough to tell me you're NOT interested, then you're not man enough to even be my acquaintance. It is what it is!

So now I am focusing on ATL & I. I think that life is worth taking chances, and with him I am willing. By the time his season is up in Mexico and I graduate we may be able to make something real happen. Hopefully by this time next year I will know where I want to attend Law School and his career will have progressed to something that is more "stable". All we have is time! Neither of us have children, we both love our families & are religiously sound, and it feels delighting to say WE are BOTH mature enough to express our feelings with out it being game, playing games, sounding corny & with all good intent. This is what I have been looking for in a man for quite a while. Distance is our ONLY battle.

So, do I keep chasing this nigga who ain't tryna be caught or go for the attainable?

May Nineteenth

Shout Out To My Nigga Beans... Happy 22nd Sweetie! Love ya!

Let's get down to business, after talk to my consultant Mr Aric Caine, lol- I realized I need to get on my hussle. Major change once again; English! Why? Because sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Good news, I will be out this bitch in 2007 for sure! I am not longer going back to Cleveland, I am going to stick it out in the CO. After thinking long and hard, I translated it to buying clothes... what I was going to do it like putting a name brand coat on lay away, then when it's time to pay that last payment, I left it there past the 30 days & bought some shit from RAVE! Hell to the naw! I am getting my name brand degree from THE Ohio State University! & did I mention I am about to step up my LSAT game? Yes, after this bullshit undergrad is done with, Law School is calling!

Why I write in this blog has multiple reasons! Mainly to vent b/c the people I use to vent to, aren't available as much anymore (DERRICK!!!), secondly, to let people who really "CARE" about me know what's going on in my life, and thirdly- to end any static or questions that "other individuals" out there may have about me & about what they THINK about me. My boy Mykl was questioning why do I put my business on here, the truth is, I just don't give a fuck. I DO realize that their are some people reading this that I'm not even cool with, but so be it. I am not going to put anything on this blog that I don't want people to know, so I could care less! Read away.

I don't know what to do about my love life right now, I know I need "someone", I have an idea of a couple candidates, but at the same time I need a dude that's on some grown man type shit. One of the guys I like is super young, so I can't fault him for his immaturity, but ATL... is sweating me. It's something about smelling a persons desperation that's a turn off, & I am starting to realize that maybe this is why it didn't work out with Mr. Immature. So, as of now I am falling back! I am about to get on my grind- hopefully by this time next week I will have a second job, and in a month I will be starting back in school & my count down to GRADUATION in 2007.

My goal for this week is to be more considerate. I took me forever to get over "Maize & Blue" and even though he said he was over that girl in Cleveland, there has to be a reason for his assholish ways, lol.

"There are some lines too dangerous to cross...

But there are others if you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side is spectacular."

I took this quote from my friend Jenelle's aim profile & it maid me think to myself, "I'm not a quitter." Lately I have been so consumed with other peoples opinions and notions, that I am stunting a friendship before it's even begun. I never use to care what my friends thought of guys I liked, now all of a sudden I am asking my girls what do you think of... what have you heard about... do you think he... It's just a mess!

Okay, I am hearing that he is sleeping or has slept with many different Jane's Does. I am hearing that he was a dog to his last girl. I am hearing that his has "different" sexual tendencies. I am hearing a whole heap of shit. The thing is, he should be innocent til' proven guilty. I took Street Law for two years, I want to be a lawyer some day, since when does HEARSAY stand up in court?

The funny thing is he & I are so much alike. We are both assholes. I am probably the only person who loves Kanye West's cockiness- I should know that I find adoration in traits that other girls consider unbecoming, so why am I asking their opinions?There's someone for everyone, he may be an acquired taste- but I like my men as I like my fashion; unattainable & highly unique.

I need to learn that just because he did her wrong, does not mean he is going to do me wrong. I need to learn just because other females say he slept with her/him, doesn't make it a fact- I know that first hand I have a reputation that I KNOW I haven't earned, so who is to say it isn't the same for him? I like a challenge. People think I am "setting myself up for failure"(Dante'), but that couldn't be farther from the truth. People who make those statements are the ones who are ignorant of what LINDSAY is capable of.

I am willing to roll the dice. I am willing to take a chance. I'm an "outside the box" sorta lady, & believe the grass is greener on the other side. It may take hell, but I AM going to find out. If I am wrong... I'll chalk it up to experience.

Be Happy About The Future Instead Of Angry About The Past

I woke up this morning with a new positive outlook on life. I am not longer going to shade people because they shade me. If someone needs a ride, money, even a shoulder to lean on, I am going to offer without the thought of reciprocation! I know I contradict myself a lot, but no matter what I was born a forgiving person, it's in my blood and I can't change that. I am realizing people CAN'T love me a certain way because they don't have the ability. I have come a long way concerning other people's emotions & respecting that others have to do things in their own time. No one is the same. I am just happy that I am a person that can ALWAYS be counted on, never second guessed- I have always been the same Lindsay in & out since 1983.

I am an individual that wears my heart on my sleeve, but that's JUST me. It's hitting me that it takes A LOT out of a person to ask for a favor. I know this first hand because I have gone without MUCH needed things because I had too much pride to ask for help. I respect a person that is willing to ask in order to advance where they need to be.

Is it possible to really like someone of the opposite sex and give them no play?... never call?... never return texts?... For the last few weeks I have been mad @ this dude because he isn't giving me any act right, but in so many ways I am a hypocrit. I NEVER call ATL. I return Polaris' text waaaaay after the fact. But only a fool would believe that I don't care about them. So, I am going to try and learn patience. I am going to slow things down in my life & realize that good things happen in due time including love, success, and spirituality. I'm too wrapped up in my feelings to be concerned with how he feels about me. Like Erin's wall says, "What someone else thinks about you is none of your business!"

180 degrees

Do people really change? Well, if it is at all possible- I am not a believer. I am also starting to find that I am not a believer in love either! This is kind of sad because everytime I hear someone talking about their "significant other" it just makes me cringe. Why? I think it has something to do with men being shit! Okay that's enough, because I will not be made out to be this "angry Black woman" who bashes men... but I am so sick of drama and niggas bullshitting me!


Today it came to me that I have been making a shame of myself, you know, fool me once shame on you... In the last three years I have become super forgiving. I've found myself erasing numbers instead of changing the name to "Don't Answer" on my phone, which still gives me the possibility of picking up. Well, I am cutting that shit out. I need to call it as I see it, there is no such thing as forgiveness in my life anymore. Let's call it what it really is; forgiving is just a period of time in between the moment a person betrays you and the NEXT time they do it, because PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE. There is no thing new under the sun!

How can you so easily dismiss me? How can you roll over my feelings and sum them up as just game? It's not even that, but how dare you call me and ask for a ride after "standing me up"? Niggas have no shame in 2007 & you want to know something, neither do I! Then we need to get on Polaris, this fool starts texting me today like nothing ever fucking happened between him. Luckily I am on the edge from "That New Nigga" that I was able to let him go. A month ago, even after all we went through, when he called I WAS ANSWERING. I'm not going to lie, he still has his own ring in my phone, but that's it.

There it is! Polaris will never change, "That New Nigga" doesn't care enough about me to mention him, Boston... Boston... Boston- we kicked in the revival yet and still, it's all the same. I need to face the facts, niggas don't know how to recognize a real woman... Someone who is generally interested in making them a better man, someone who has no ulterior motives other than their happiness, someone who has the whole package- yet is still willing to grow & conform even, someone like me!

Well, I know how to change. Change is not foreign to me! Matter fact I am making a change right now. No more pursuing. He knows my facebook, my number, where I live. He can believe what he may... because I am apparently setting him up?!?! He can continue to play games, but I never will. I'm all real, I don't play games- "Not even board games!" lol. Tricks are for kids, and niggas at OSU really show their age! Love is blind, his bruh ain't. He CHOOSES not to see! So, it's time to turn my back & it's time to turn around.

Hide & Seek

Lately I have been concentrating on decisions; decisions that will make my life better. For the longest- I've thought myself to be one of the world's greatest actresses, but as it turns out I wear my feelings & my heart right on my sleeve. When I told my sister Erin I was thinking about moving, she told me to do what is right for my life. I then told her that I haven't been happy in a really long time, & she replied, "I can tell. I always want to ask you what's wrong but I don't know how you will react." It got me to thinking that maybe I'm not doing so well at pretending I am something that I am not.

I can't remember the last time I wrote a poem. I usually only write poems when I am feeling a dude, or very sad. It's not just writer's block this time around, it seems that I've been so sad, that I can't even write. The factor that usually inspired my art is now so severe that I can't even produce? That's fucked up. I can't even find a way to vent anymore.... other than this blog that is.

It's incredible that people talk to me everyday & they don't have an inkling of who I really am & what's even more extraordinary is the fact that I am in my own skin & even I don't know who I am. I have been trying to find myself for a long time now, but I have come up empty handed. At this point, I'm just hiding from myself.

I can say one thing with certainty about myself, I am a masochist. I love to endure pain, why? I couldn't tell you to save my life. I am mean to people and I like the guys that are mean to me. I find happiness in things/people who are bad for me. I am in a hell of my own making.

I went to the skating party on Saturday and ran into this guy I had a little summer fling with last year. It was actually a friendship gone bad i.e. super psycho stalker. What's even crazier is the fact that I almost called him today. Then, as I was watching Grey's Anatomy- there was a scene when Burke reminded me of "Maize & Blue", and for a brief moment, I wanted to call him too. But then reality struck. That's the one thing about moving back to Cleveland that I don't want to face. I never want to see him again, ever! It's for the best. I keep wondering why Yahweh won't let things work out for me romantically & I am starting to figure it out.

As I was giving advice to my friend Aric the other night, it got me to thinking about my own friendships. Maybe I force things that may not be so great to have. Maybe Yahweh is protecting me because I give people too much credit way too early. I tend to find the good in people, but maybe it's not even that these guys are so good, but more the fact that it's the "I want what I can't have syndrome". For example there is actually this kid I have been trying to talk to for a little while and it's just not working. He seems to be a perfectly good soul, but it's all one sided, yet I keep calling- keep texting. I think the thought of rejection keeps me striving, but there is a time when one has to stop beating a dead horse. It came with Jason Moore(NOT so timely might I say). It came with _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. I guess it sort of happened with Mike in a round about way. Never did quite happen with Sean Coffey (but that's a whole other story), so now I think the time will come with that new nigga soon. It seems like a lot of un needed drama is arising from this situation. I'm getting accused of being in cahoots now? Crazy! I have an acquaintance who is apparently feeling him too. She doesn't mention him to me, & even when asked he won't give me any info on her other than, "It just ain't work out!" All I know is, I need to learn to let people go who aren't holding on to me. I am a good woman who has the ability to make any man happy beyond matter. Niggas NEVER realize it when I am after them, but mark my work- he will look back on this moment....

If you didn't know, now you know you're going to miss- my love. & I ain't worried about a doggone thang. Cause I was true when I gave you my love. If you search you will never find a love like my love, YOU'RE GOING TO MISS Me! I ain't got time while you sit around and play with my love.

okay, lol, had to hit em' with the Destiny's Child interlude. That song always reminds me of Jason Moore hitting me up two years ago, after all he put me through in Jr. High & high school. Funny shit! Like it would all be forgotten, now that he is realizing I am a mutha fuckin beast!

I am just tired of being polite to everyone. That's not the real me. I am sick of being infactuated with guys to the point that I don't allow them to see the real me; in the end they write me off as being this image which couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm like that Blonde Hair Blue Eyed chick, but with personality. And now my phone rings...

for a moment there I felt like the dumb blonde, because I almost answered to the "dead horse" on the other end. I can't keep beating dead horses, I cant! I won't listen to the voicemail & I won't be sucked back in! Like I was saying before, I am like that Blonde Hair Blue Eyed chick, but with personality. I am thoroughly the whole package. I am going to stop letting people think I am something I am not & let them fall in love with the real me. I am going to stop hiding from these niggas-I-want & more importantly I am going to stop hiding from myself!

Importance

It's very hard to lose track of what is really important in life. Family, "REAL" friends, love, success... these things are the uncontrollable, yet most important factors in life. Maybe not in that exact order, but this is what is comes down to. Lately I have been trying real hard to share my love, but I am starting to realize that maybe I should be a little selfish. Maybe I am just a little too promiscuous with my affection. It is time for me to love myself & my self only.

I have tried for the last month to like a guy and to treat him the way he wants to be treated. I have even gone out the box & been incredibly nice to him, but to no avail! What makes more since is that I be myself. If I am the perfect person- & still I get no love- I get no act right... then I may as well be the real me. No more walking on egg shells. From her on out I am concentrating on loving those who love me. My family is VERY important to me right now because they are my only constant. I do have one friend who has stuck with me no matter what & I see that even though he has not cleared everything in his life with me, I have to be happy about his decisions & more than anything be happy for him and his happiness. I guess one could say I am living vicariously through him, lol.

More than anything, I know that people don't know the real me. The Lindsay who makes up dance routines (how many people really know about the progression of the "Go Lindsay" dance since high school), the Lindsay who use to miss class b/c her hair wasn't done, the Lindsay who loves to cook for her friends, buys passionate gifts, gets said because others don't see the real her. I am in love with myself, even though I get down at times. I am happy with the woman I have become and the well-rounded human being I am developing into. & the most important success I have had is realizing who I really am and still loving every moment of it!

I'ma Grown Ass Woman!

Yes, your girl is officially in her twenty fourth year of life! I was real depressed on my twenty third birthday and didn't do much to celebrate, but now three days later I do truly appreciate being alive. I know things seem bad right now in my life, but all these years of despair are worth every moment of joy I have ever experienced. I am going out tonight... will I run into "him" I don't know. I guess things will go as Yahweh has planned, but I sometimes wonder what he has in store for me?

Right now I am dedicated to being mad focused, on me that is. I want to get my life together by the years end. I am starting now, this is a long term goal... happiness. It's going to take hell of hard work and determination, but I know what it takes. Hopefully, a year from now this will all be a bad dream. I will have a degree and be headed out of CO, or at least I will have found something here worth staying for. All I can say is I am proud of my progression and the adult I have become since the same time a year ago. Learning from my experiences has helped me dearly.

Dang I 4 Got

Man, I have mad stress I need to get out of my system. I forgot all about this outlet these last few days! Well, I attended a little shindig the other night and ran into this guy I've been feeling. We actually ended up having a really good talk, but after he was sober & I was sober it was back to the regularly schedule program- BULLSHIT! I'm not even upset this time, I didn't even bother re-registering his number into my phone; I knew the whole night's worth of talking was going to be a waste. So that's that.

It's just incredible to witness how hypocritical men can be. It was only three weeks ago when he was making comments like, "I don't need females to be nice to me. If they ain't feeling me- it's no need to spare my feelings, let me know!" But when the tables are turned... NOTHING? I think last night was the last straw with him (for real this time, lol) because I despise liars. He told me he had step show practice, but then he was at the Kappa Kaberet? Not just at the Kappa Kaberet, but in a nice ass fit that did not reek, "I threw this together at the last minute." So he is just a blatant liar, and I'm not down for that. It's all good though, some people are raised poorly- so they have no common honor.

Went out with Amber, Deanna, & Shannon last night and had a pretty good time. I think I did need to get out, I am just mad depressed because I am turning 23 on Monday- WOW! Four more months as the baby of the family!?!? But in more ways than one, I am ready to give up that throne to my baby Ethan! I made my very first purchases for him today. It's been really hard on me these last five months waiting to find out his sex but now I know a man is being bore into our family... the first in the century, really the first in over a decade! Damn, lil Reggie will be 11! Where does the time go? Where does life go? I feel like Carrie Bradshaw when she turned 35. Twenty Three- Twenty Three. Twenty Three is not Thirteen, it's Twenty Three.

Love is all that matters...

Happily Ever After...

My mom and I were talking today & she started to tell me about something she heard from a lady Shannon at our bible school in Cleveland. After returning from her trip to the Indianapolis, Indiana branch, she had a message from the Dean; "To make sure we are happy spiritually." Here lately my life it like a melting pot of emotions and I don't know how to feel anymore. One day it's all good, the next it's all bad.

The first chapter of Flow taught me that people are most happy when their time is completely consumed. So, that is what I am thinking about- how to use more of my time doing things that are productive. I know I need to go back and get my second job. I know I need to pay off these fees and try to get back enrolled for summer. Things are just easier said than done.

My mom once said something that stuck with me (kind of how most of the things she says does), "Stay focused on those things that mean the most to make your life the best. Trust in Yahshau." I am going to finally take her advice! I just need to make a plan out for myself & I need to continue to improve my attitude. But at the end of the day I am HAPPY because I am always progressing... I need to remember, "It take more than just being on the right track; even those who are standing still on the right track can be ran over!" ~Kinley. I am just trying to keep my head above water.


"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies with us." ~ Emerson

IT'S A BOY!!!

Just found out the sex of the baby today, it's going to be a boy & I can just taste it. I can't even lie, I was kind of itching for a girl, but I did see some fly Shell Toes the other day for a boy. It is sort of funny how just yesterday I was kind of down from straying from a guy I was really feeling, but just that fast Yahweh arranged for another man to come into my life. Another man who will be my flesh and blood and I will teach him how to treat women properly.

I think that's the problem with our generation; a lot of these Black males were raised by single women. I am not saying by any means that single women can't raise true Black MEN, but it seems evident that most of these women were just having children as a result of casual sex relationships & simply got caught up. These guys I am dealing with were brought up by parents who apparently did not teach them to love, adore, and take care of their most valuable counterparts; Black Women.

I am going to teach Ethan everything... to open doors, walk on the outskirts of the sidewalk, pay for dinner, initiate romance- chivalry is not dead. I am going to show him not just how to be a MAN, but also how to be a great person in general. I can't wait until my sweetheart comes in September!!! IT'S A MAN!!!

If You LIKE Something, Let It Go...

If It Comes Back To You It's Yours, If I Doesn't It Never Was!

Just starting to cope with letting this dude go. For the last month I have been pining over him, why?... I don't know, but now it is over. The first time I visited him he said that he was sick or pursuing females, he was waiting for someone to sweat him, he was interested in a female who would give him "RECIPROCITY". Well, after hearing him talk I realize that's all it was- TALK. After wasting my time, he told me, "I'm not fa real." What the fuck is that? I don't have kids for a reason; I don't have time for the childish games. Then the negro says... he is not interested in changing my mind, well what do I say to that? I am not going to keep caring about a person who cold care less about how I feel about them, so I am done.

More than anything it's fuck up when you think of what could've been. I see he is a jerk & not my type... he is simply not who I thought he was. I have a problem! I am prejudice, I give people way too much credit way too soon. I pre judge that they will be worth something when the are indeed worthless. I always look for the good in people, while most look for the bad in me. Do I want to be with that kind of guy?... do I want to talk to that kind of guy?... do I want to even befriend that kind of guy? I don't know, but he made it clear that I shouldn't- so I'm not. I am not even mad because one of his own frat brothers warned me about him and his childish antics. I can't lie, I was looking forward to being with him & I still do like him, but I let him go & he kept walking. He had too much pride, so that's his fault. Since I am being outwardly bitter these days... I don't care!!! I am not bottling up my feelings! I am a really great woman & he got dumped by a terrible woman to teach him a lesson. A lesson he has yet to learn, that maybe his judgment is impaired! He choose to walk by a good female so I hope he continues to get fucked. We both have judgment problems, I care too much he cares too little; since I am enforcing my 0 tolerance policy- I ain't dealing with it until he realizes what kind of an asset I am... plain & simply!

All Or Nothing

We're just not on the same page, or we're on the same page but just in different paragraphs rather. Lindsay is the same person she has always been- IMPATIENT. It's not always about waiting... I just have to know what I am waiting on- or if it's worth waiting on rather? I guess one never knows how much they care about a situation or a person until it's compromised. I see it's just how he saw me at the Hale Center last Thursday with Jonathan, I got to see him this Thursday at Urban Outfitters with another girl. I didn't like it. He hasn't called in three days... and even though I know I should give it more effort, I'm giving up!

I'm giving up on a lot of things these days, I see so many people just aren't worth my time and attention. People want too much out of me with nothing in return. Not even saying that I am giving-to-receive, but reciprocity would be nice. I guess we are both just sick of giving someone our all, and we are both at the point where we are just going to wait it out until someone "chases" us. I broke down, but he is still standing strong, not giving in, so I give up! He is doing his thing on campus, in his frat, with his slew of female friends. We are not after the same goal I guess. I am giving my all, he is giving up nothing. So, I'm done.

Tension is better on this Blog instead of in my head... damn this is great!

The Story Of My Life

Trouble Just Seems To Find Me, Even When I Am Sleeping In My Bed!

Today was classic Lindsay. As I walked up to my car this morning to go to work, I was... well for the lack of better or more fitting words- unpleasantly surprised to find a shattered windshield. Of course I did the typical thing- broke out into tears... then called the coppers. Questions were answered quickly as my CSI & Judge Judy antics proved to be right when I predicted it had something to do with one of the many "drunken parties" my neighbor has. I guess they got wasted and decided to beat up my car? Yea! Now I have to find away to get this shit fixed without driving myself crazy... just another problem to add on to my list.

The fact is, no matter where I am or what I am doing tragedy gets me anyways. This is not only a rude awakening, but a blessing in disguise because I am no longer going to stay pinned up in my room trying to do the grown up thing and "avoid drama". Fuck it, I am going to every party I want... Because I now see, no matter what, I am going to get fucked over in life, so I might as well be doing what I want & earned this fucked up life I'm living!

Other than that, today was a good day. I got to do my hair, polish my nails & toe nails all in one day- which is very rare. My neighbor Mykl came by for a few & cheered me up. Got to talk to ATL for the first time in a week. And here it is 9:51pm & I still haven't called to check on the "unforgettable" man I am after, I would say this is the greatest accomplishment of all- because if he doesn't like me as much or more than I like him, then maybe it just shouldn't be. I mean damn- last week it took him to see me @ Market Place & the Hale with my nigga in order to shoot me some attention? I just don't get men. If I like you and you like me... why aren't we moving forward?

I am just trying not to be mad at the world right now. Tomorrow is my off day so I plan to get a lot accomplished & hopefully come up with a plan to get back in school by June. There's just something special about June (6th) ;-) Shalom!

A Real Foundation

Infatuation is a hell-of-a-thing, but that's what I'm feeling right now. I know Darnell would mock me if he knew I was making this statement but, I haven't felt this way about a man in a long time! I remember back when I stayed in Morrison Tower this guy I was majorly feeling use to stop by. Half of the time spent- was in silence, but the presence of each other was enough. He would visit me in between classes, before practice, after study table- & all we would do is sit in 1004 & chill... I forgot how much I missed that, until yesterday.

It's sad to say that too many men have approached me with raunchy attitudes so often, that I don't even remember what it's like to be with a person who just wants my company, someone who appreciates my time, someone who just wants to be with me- no strings attached. What niggas need to realize is that women are more attracted to men who aren't sweating them sexually. When a guy just wants to be around you, it just makes you want him even more. It kind of reminds me of a line from one of Ciara's songs... "I just want it to be right for the both of us/ When you don't have to say a thing to make me comfortable." Men, if you have to try and convince someone to be with you- you need to realize it's not real!

But, I can tell one what is real... this connection I have with this man. He is an artist- and I have always wanted to date an artist- someone with true substance. Man, there is so much substance to him, I can't even list... he can sing, dance, DRESS. A man like this is way over due in my life. The funny thing about all of this is, even if it doesn't work- I don't have a friend in my life with this much substance- I would be satisfied with just his friendship. It's only been a few weeks and I am ALL wrapped up in his friendship, and a respect the fact that his has decided to build a foundation with me. That speaks wonders because no one builds a foundation for something they don't want to develop on.

These Four Immutable Things; Know Your Father's Name, Know Your Father's Business, Be Willing to Suffer

And Be Not Afraid To DIE(I.D.M.R.)

Monday will be the three year anniversary of Jason dying. I don't know what I will be doing or how I will be feeling, so I decided to log a little something now, while my head is kind of clear. As one could have guessed, I don't take death well-at-all and in this circumstance(Unlike with Mahdi) even worse because I never got to say goodbye. I will never forget the last time I saw Jason (January 1, 2001) and I will never forget our last conversation. More than anything, I will never forget memories we had together.

I met Jason through my cousin Kim. She transferred to Bedford (from Shaker) our freshman year of high school. She began dating Khalid, & Jason was his best friend at the time- so the rest is history. I will never forget his womanizing ways- he was a born charmer! Unlike other females, I passed Jason's surface and got to learn a lot about a man many had never saw. He told me about his many relationships & how deep down inside they hurt him. Jason and I always kept in touch (even when he moved to Twinsburg), seeing that our relationship was already long distance- nothing changed. I will never forget how he was one of those guys who had it all- including MONEY, lol. Both he & Kim would tell me about his "cake daddy" ways. He also expressed to me that none of the girls he ever talked to did anything for him that left him any feeling other than regret- except one.

A girl he once dated- came from a poor family. For his birthday- she made him a card. He said it had been years since they'd spoken, but that he still had the card, it was one of his most prized possessions, and he would always keep it close to his heart. When he told me that, his shallow ways went out the window, his stories about buying gators to wear to school for one day- DISAPPEARED... I knew all that shit was a cover up & deep down inside he was a real man with real substance. That year, for his birthday, I wrote him a poem & mailed it to him. He loved it!

I can honestly say, that I have written many poems in my day- but he was the only man to react positively to my poem. Not Jason Moore, not Devin Bennings, not Sean Coffey, not _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. I will never forget him memorizing and reciting it to me. And now, as I am struggling to finally get serious about things in my life and this Journalism Degree, subconsciously, he is one of the reasons I keep going. He complimented my work so much, he encouraged me so much. To this day I have so-called friends who mock my poetry and writings. He was one of the only who told me I have what it takes.

Ja also taught me to watch the ones closest to me, because they sometimes do not have my best interest at hand.

Even though I will be 23 in a couple of weeks and I know I am not where I want to be, there is still much I know I can accomplish. Jason told and taught me sooo fucking much. When he was a senior and I was a junior, he would just blurt out random shit like- "I am buying a Lexus", or "I am getting some "Big Blocks" & Armani to wear to school tomorrow"... and as impossible as it may seem for a high school student- the nigga was a stunta! He even once told me, "My parents have a time share in Florida & I love it there. I think I am going to move to Florida & Fly planes." If he said it, he did it! Twenty years old, living it up in Daytona, Flying planes, car, motorcycle... motorcycle... motorcycle... Touche'; A Ride Or Die Nigga for real! I will never forget! Never! The Wavy hair, flawless skin, green eyes, beautiful smile, cocky attitude, and most importantly the sweet young man behind the mask that many never knew- yet I was privledged. Never will I forget!

Jason Robert Dorsey

August 24, 1982 ~ April 17, 2003

"It is foolish and wrong to mourn for men who have died. Rather, we should thank God that such men lived." ~General George S. Patton Jr.

"The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering." ~Bruce Lee

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!"

My question to most is, why does one walk around with a phony facade and still claim to be real? Just be yourself, be true to yourself. In the end, no one else really matters. I started this blog because I felt I had a lot of built up anger that I needed to release. I guess you can say this is something like my own personal self help aisle right at home. The sole purpose of the blog is to improve myself and to help those who care-to-know the real me- get a knot hole's view into my world. Everyone has issues, some deny it- but I am willing to wear it right on my sleeve, instead of bottled inside. If you choose to keep your matters to yourself... fine! I will not judge you for that, but I expect you not to judge me either. Don't knock my self improvement. Who are you to JUDGE?




You need to remember... the blasphemer is not only the person blaspheming, but also the person who points out (or JUDGES) the blasphemer!

Refrain from commenting negatively on my supposed "issues", because if you were perfect I am sure you would not have five minutes a day to dedicate yourself to reading my posts, when we haven't even talked in two years. There is a word for that... S.T.A.L... I'm not going to go there, I am not even mad at you.

I have always been a very straight forward and blunt woman! I tend to let a person know what the are getting into before they even approach me. In my heart I wish more men were like me, because I have found out that quite a few people are psycho, years after "knowing" them. People have a way of hiding things. People have a way of deceiving others. I am not one of those types of persons. I am not perfect, but I am willingly to put that out there. I am not perfect but I am ready and willing to grow. I am not perfect, but I am not willing to pull someone else down in order to feel better about myself.

To anyone out there reading... my friends, my associates, my enemies, or even someone I haven't talked to in a really long time, I am just Lindsay- no tricks no gimmicks. I am a very religious hard worker who finds passion in everything I do. I don't have low self esteem but I am very self critical and I sometimes let that take over the good parts in my life. I hate where I came from, but I love who brought me there- which is sometimes a contradiction within itself- which is why it's taking me such a long time to battle out my imperfections. That's just me. I want everyone to know I am far from where I started, I am also so very far from where I want to be- but I am PROGRESSING!

I am no longer going to fight to have people in my life. What's meant to be will be. Those who love me, already love me. If you see my problems, and they don't bother you a bit, you are my real friend and you are meant to be in my life. If my problems scare you away... you know where you stand! I am a firm believer that Yahweh has pre-ordained everything; I am an actress, this is his movies, there is a script, the ending is already written!



"A friend is someone who sees through you and still enjoys the view."
~Wilma Askinas

For The 1st Time In A Long Time....

I am in like with someone

This has been a long day of thinking, and I still have a lot on my mind. I am not even going to lie. There are quite a few guys I have liked, many I thought were cute, even more I flirted with... why? I don't know- just to pass the time. Kind of the same reason why I go out on dates with guys I have no romantic interest in- to pass time and because I love movies and love food even more! My mom told me once, that it is a good idea to date different guys. She said that women my age are sometimes too young to really know what they want and need out of a man, so it is good to explore and see what it is I really want and need. I took her advice to heart.

I see now, that I am not looking for the star athlete, neither am I wanting the life of the party, nor the frat boy- but I want someone with substance. I am not saying that if someone is an athlete or popular- I would turn them down, but I want a man who is more than that. For instance, I want a man who considers basketball to be a part of his life, not a man who is just part of basketball's history.

Putting all that aside I think I have found someone who has sparked my interest. All my friends past and present know about the guy I loved from Caledonia (-present), the guy I loved from Kirk (-freshman year of college when I wised up), the guy I loved from OSU (-present, even though our relationship is kind of "funny") but now there is a fourth. Have you ever had a crush & you knew from the moment you met the person that it was different? Have you ever had a crush, but when you talked to him for the first time- you were disappointed, and you realized that maybe he wasn't who you thought he was? Well, I tell you what- it's sometimes worse when you have put a person on a pedestal and they not only prove you right, but exceed your expectations. That's where I am right now. Silly me, I sabotaged it and cut him off because he wasn't giving me enough of him. Now, I am just kind of confused.

What I don't understand about men is... if I am feeling you, and you are feeling me, why aren't we progressing? & I kind of feel a little stalker in me, because it has only been a couple weeks, but I know for sure- if we actually were on the same page... this would definitely be a great love. He seems to be someone with an edge! There is more to him than the regular _ _ _ _ boy! He is an artist; he has substance. This is what my mother told me about, I now know what I want in a man. I just don't know how to move on it.

The fact is, I have problems with men because I care too much. I am a just very caring individual. Every time I go out on a limb- I regret it. & as conceited as it may sound, they always come running back later- "after" they've realized what kind of a woman they played. By then, I am usually over and done with it. A couple of days ago I once again received that confirmation... after an absense of talking to a guy for a month and a half, he is all of a sudden seeing the light? He is all of a sudden hot to buy a ticket and come to CO asap? & I wonder, should I let him back in... and I wonder, should I move on this guy I think could be my next big crush... and I wonder, should I do both- then weigh my options later... and I wonder, should I take ATL seriously... man I have a lot of "should I's". I have a lot of questions.

Man... for the first time in a long time... I wonder should I have cut him off? Should it be damn him? or should it be damn my temper?

DAMN MY TEMPER!!!!

A lot On My Mind!!!

Man, it was such a beautiful day outside. Yet- I found a way to coop myself up in my apt. & be sad. Well, I won't even say be sad, but I have been doing some deep thinking about a lot of issues in these last six and a half hours. Man, I can't believe I let this day pass me by so quickly. I have already missed Will & Grace! Damn it!

Lately, I am trying really hard to grow as a person. In order to move on, sometimes one needs to face your demons head on, and I am realizing that I haven't done that concerning a certain area of my life. My mother and I had a conversation earlier today about our childhoods- comparatively & I really don't think she knows how much my childhood has affected me. It's not even "that", it's the fact that she downplayed how much I went through! How can one rate someone else's pain? Rhetorical! Better yet, how dare one rate someone else's pain. Even though my relationship with my mother has evolved immensely, there is so much negativity that I am still holding on to. Shit, I was looking at pictures the other night & was just noticing that my eyes are permanently puffy. That's fucked up! I cry more than I like to admit...

I will never forget... the summer after my freshmen year- I finally attempted to confront my mother about a lot of issues I have been holding in. I really tried, but somehow in the heat of the argument... I became the regular "hateful", "evil", "selfish" person. Those same lines I have been hearing for the last 20 years from her.

Even though people unawaringly hurt others, it would be nice if they would at least acknowledge the fact that they have fault.

My mom once told me, when we [my sisters and I] were still little, she would go in the down stairs bathroom & cry everyday. Then one day she just decided that she was not going to let her painful childhood take over her life. The year she told me that, I think I tried for a while- but I am back where I started.

I do not have my degree, I am not graduating, I have a while left. That doesn't bother me. What does bother me is the third degree I get about not being in school right now, from the person who has had a major role in why I am not enrolled! I know many who have graduated and who are graduating soon- I am not jealous of their accomplishments- but I am jealous of the fact that they handled their pressure & their personal battles all while getting through school. In my heart I know everyone is going through something major- we're all different and we all handle things differently. I just wish my mother would acknowledge the fact that I am going through something and just because it is not what she went through personally... it is indeed hurting me in the same way.

Stay Tuned!

Sometimes my life is like a Soap Opera, but right now it is pretty steady. Still trying to cope with the fact that I am sitting out another quarter and not graduating, but then again it's all for the good. I have seen quite a few people graduate in the last couple only to work jobs they already had, or could've had with out a degree. That could NEVER be me. I have aspirations that must be obtained.





My sister just turned 28 a couple of days ago, which means my birthday is only a hop skip and a jump away. I will be 23, & I ain't ready! It's kind of scary- I am not where I planned to be on any level of life- educations wise, love life wise, friendship wise, career wise, ect. Then again I have been pleasantly surprised by many things that have been sprung into my life. I am some what drama free right now- which is more refreshing that anything else in life. Of course, I still get the stares from random girls, but that will never go away. Girls always think they know the real you, so they are always going to have problems with your existence- I have learned to live with that and not let it bother me.

I do have a new personal struggle, I am wondering one females intentions towards me. Our only connection is a mutual friend, but it seems she has a problem with me. I don't see how people can be so.... well I will say "phoney" for the lack of a better word. I think if you have a problem you should confront it head on. That is what I am doing in my life & I am wondering should I confront her. It has been quite obvious because I have seen her pointing me out to her other female friends, then here recently.... he friends were giving me the ackward eye. Hopefully she is not one who frequents my site (which I seriously doubt), so I hope I can talk to her & let her know how I feel. I am a grown ass woman & I have enough issues than to have to deal with someone copping a problem with me over...???

Anyways, I love my Elise, Erin, Kim & Nikki! No other females have much importance to me anymore!