Man, it was such a beautiful day outside. Yet- I found a way to coop myself up in my apt. & be sad. Well, I won't even say be sad, but I have been doing some deep thinking about a lot of issues in these last six and a half hours. Man, I can't believe I let this day pass me by so quickly. I have already missed Will & Grace! Damn it!
Lately, I am trying really hard to grow as a person. In order to move on, sometimes one needs to face your demons head on, and I am realizing that I haven't done that concerning a certain area of my life. My mother and I had a conversation earlier today about our childhoods- comparatively & I really don't think she knows how much my childhood has affected me. It's not even "that", it's the fact that she downplayed how much I went through! How can one rate someone else's pain? Rhetorical! Better yet, how dare one rate someone else's pain. Even though my relationship with my mother has evolved immensely, there is so much negativity that I am still holding on to. Shit, I was looking at pictures the other night & was just noticing that my eyes are permanently puffy. That's fucked up! I cry more than I like to admit...
I will never forget... the summer after my freshmen year- I finally attempted to confront my mother about a lot of issues I have been holding in. I really tried, but somehow in the heat of the argument... I became the regular "hateful", "evil", "selfish" person. Those same lines I have been hearing for the last 20 years from her.
Even though people unawaringly hurt others, it would be nice if they would at least acknowledge the fact that they have fault.
My mom once told me, when we [my sisters and I] were still little, she would go in the down stairs bathroom & cry everyday. Then one day she just decided that she was not going to let her painful childhood take over her life. The year she told me that, I think I tried for a while- but I am back where I started.
I do not have my degree, I am not graduating, I have a while left. That doesn't bother me. What does bother me is the third degree I get about not being in school right now, from the person who has had a major role in why I am not enrolled! I know many who have graduated and who are graduating soon- I am not jealous of their accomplishments- but I am jealous of the fact that they handled their pressure & their personal battles all while getting through school. In my heart I know everyone is going through something major- we're all different and we all handle things differently. I just wish my mother would acknowledge the fact that I am going through something and just because it is not what she went through personally... it is indeed hurting me in the same way.
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