It's funny that the most secure time in my life is when I have hit rock bottom; it's the floor you can't fall below, you know? When ever I am happy or something is going good- I never get to live in the moment because I am always too concerned, waiting, waiting for it all to disappear.
"...And still you gave me love, I wasn't use to that. Most of the people that gave me love, ended up taking it back..." Dark Man X Prayer IV
I know nothing lasts forever but I wonder how people can lie with such sincerity? I will never understand it. People will stand and tell you how much they love you, but then in one fair swoop- they take their love away?... I was talking to Chi- Town last night and she was analyzing my feelings to me. She said that I am not excited about love anymore because I am so use to being disappointed. Last summer every time Polaris would call I would hit her or Tiff for advice... "Should I go?", "Should I stay?" I think he is truly the closest I've ever been to "In love", but now- a year later I'm just so damned tired- it's routine. If this is love, I don't want any part of it.
After meeting up with Thrill last night I realize that in 2006 liking someone isn't enough. You have to jump through hoops, worry about their last relationships- or lack of, wonder what kind of man you're dealing with (unless you're dealing with a BOY that is)- it's just so complicated. Where love is concerned I am just about done...
"Though I've tried, fallen- I have sunk so low. I've messed up. Better I should know. So don't come round' here and tell me, "I told you so." We all begin with good intent. The love was raw and young. We believe that we could change ourselves, the PAST can be undone. But we carry on our back the burden time always reveals. In the lonely light of morning, in the wound we would not heal, IT'S THE BITTER TASTE OF LOSING EVERYTHING THAT I'VE HELD SO DEAR..." ~Sarah McLachlan Fallen
Things will just never be the same. I am so locked on disappointment and that will be my end. I'm not who I wanna be, but I'm not who I used to be. "I done came down (lol)."
P.S. I am no fool. Fake Jewelry tarnishes as time goes as does lust(Polaris). This is my bible... just because you read the bible does not mean you know God. Just because you read my blog does not mean you know Lindsay- Check the headline up top Boo... You THINK You Know, But You Have No Idea! Records are meant to be broken as are hearts.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
Lately....
Man, I use to write in this thing everyday- but it seems when life is good, I don't have too much to talk about. It's kind of weird now that my girl Christian doesn't work with me anymore, because for the last month- I haven't had anyone to tell about dates and crazy situations, so I will spill the beans on here I guess.
Things didn't work out with Big Time like I thought they would. I asked him a question which he was highly offended by and he FLIPPED out on me. It's sad because I only asked him if he had a girlfriends. He told me that it was a stupid question and what kind of nigga would he be having me over his house when he has a girl. I really felt what he was saying, but in 2004- dudes are so grimy that shit like that is the norm. I still really want to talk to him and I am kind of sad because I have let these no good niggas get so far into my head that when a sensible one comes along I say shit that categorizes them with the rest of these fools. Like the Kappa for instance, stringing me along while he was getting back with his old bitch. Niggas like that are the cause for the question I asked Big Time.
It's okay that he got back with here though, I'm not BITTER, they can go on dates to the dentist to get porcelain veneers, lmao. With his fucked up ass teeth and her dingy ones!!!
But like I said, it's over with Big Time. He hung up on me, lol, and I erased his number. So, unless I stumble across him when I am in Cleveland or he happens to have a change of heart and calls- it's over. My girl Tiffany keeps telling me to sign on to Verizon.com & try to look up my call record, but I am going to lean on fate.
Last Thursday Thrill was in town and we chilled for a couple hours. No date, nothing spectacular- JUST Mirror Lake. We sat and talked for a few hours and it was really nice. I guess he wanted to pick my brain, but I wouldn't really let him get into my head. Lately I have just been focusing on not liking anyone too soon. I am going to start a new month rule; I won't gain feelings for anyone until a solid month of heavy communication has passed. But anyhow, Thrill seems like I really nice guy and far from the other men in his profession. Hopefully a month from now I will be talking about the feelings I've gained for him, lol, but time WILL tell ;-) It's hard not to gain feelings quicker though because it's been a long time since someone has really wanted to talk to me. I guess I have been talking to the wrong kind of men, but now my luck is taking a turn- lately.
Things didn't work out with Big Time like I thought they would. I asked him a question which he was highly offended by and he FLIPPED out on me. It's sad because I only asked him if he had a girlfriends. He told me that it was a stupid question and what kind of nigga would he be having me over his house when he has a girl. I really felt what he was saying, but in 2004- dudes are so grimy that shit like that is the norm. I still really want to talk to him and I am kind of sad because I have let these no good niggas get so far into my head that when a sensible one comes along I say shit that categorizes them with the rest of these fools. Like the Kappa for instance, stringing me along while he was getting back with his old bitch. Niggas like that are the cause for the question I asked Big Time.
It's okay that he got back with here though, I'm not BITTER, they can go on dates to the dentist to get porcelain veneers, lmao. With his fucked up ass teeth and her dingy ones!!!
But like I said, it's over with Big Time. He hung up on me, lol, and I erased his number. So, unless I stumble across him when I am in Cleveland or he happens to have a change of heart and calls- it's over. My girl Tiffany keeps telling me to sign on to Verizon.com & try to look up my call record, but I am going to lean on fate.
Last Thursday Thrill was in town and we chilled for a couple hours. No date, nothing spectacular- JUST Mirror Lake. We sat and talked for a few hours and it was really nice. I guess he wanted to pick my brain, but I wouldn't really let him get into my head. Lately I have just been focusing on not liking anyone too soon. I am going to start a new month rule; I won't gain feelings for anyone until a solid month of heavy communication has passed. But anyhow, Thrill seems like I really nice guy and far from the other men in his profession. Hopefully a month from now I will be talking about the feelings I've gained for him, lol, but time WILL tell ;-) It's hard not to gain feelings quicker though because it's been a long time since someone has really wanted to talk to me. I guess I have been talking to the wrong kind of men, but now my luck is taking a turn- lately.
Rest In Peace...
I wonder what it would have been like if Jason were still alive. Would I have fell out with him by now or would he have been a really good friend? For some reason I feel it would have been the latter, I would have had someone in Florida to run to and I would have been able to tell him how much I appreciate what he did for me... but, it's too late- that will never happen and I will never know.
It's funny how quickly we RUN through our every day lives without even taking the time to REMEMBER. The funny thing is, I still haven't gotten to that point where concerning Jason. It happened with Mahdi, happened with D.P., it happened with almost every homie I knew to die... there just came a day when I didn't think about them anymore, but with Jason- it's just different. Three weeks ago I went to visit a friend who stays around the corner from me. He is actually a guy I was feeling for a LOOOOOONG while, and after all this time I could never figure out why... until he walked out of his door to lead me to his apt. Don't get me wrong, I always thought he was a cutie; but when I looked up from the asphalt into his face- I was so stunned. He looked just like Jason. The Skin. The Eyes. The Hair. It all makes so much sense now. I think that because he subconsciously reminds me of Jason, I have built this false obsession. I dunno, all I know is I miss him.
No words can express how much I needed him in my life and no words can express how much I hurt because he is gone. I have a lot of acquaintances, but I have never had many friends. Someone without sneaky motives, someone who genuinely cared for me, someone who was willing to be real with me even when it meant taking away someone I thought was my blood.
Things will get easier come fall, that constant reminder will be moving to Cleveland and I can stop holding on for all the wrong reasons. No, I won't forget him, but I can't keep thinking about him everyday like he's still alive, it's not healthy. He will never be replaced... I just need to let him Rest In Peace... somehow.
It's funny how quickly we RUN through our every day lives without even taking the time to REMEMBER. The funny thing is, I still haven't gotten to that point where concerning Jason. It happened with Mahdi, happened with D.P., it happened with almost every homie I knew to die... there just came a day when I didn't think about them anymore, but with Jason- it's just different. Three weeks ago I went to visit a friend who stays around the corner from me. He is actually a guy I was feeling for a LOOOOOONG while, and after all this time I could never figure out why... until he walked out of his door to lead me to his apt. Don't get me wrong, I always thought he was a cutie; but when I looked up from the asphalt into his face- I was so stunned. He looked just like Jason. The Skin. The Eyes. The Hair. It all makes so much sense now. I think that because he subconsciously reminds me of Jason, I have built this false obsession. I dunno, all I know is I miss him.
No words can express how much I needed him in my life and no words can express how much I hurt because he is gone. I have a lot of acquaintances, but I have never had many friends. Someone without sneaky motives, someone who genuinely cared for me, someone who was willing to be real with me even when it meant taking away someone I thought was my blood.
Things will get easier come fall, that constant reminder will be moving to Cleveland and I can stop holding on for all the wrong reasons. No, I won't forget him, but I can't keep thinking about him everyday like he's still alive, it's not healthy. He will never be replaced... I just need to let him Rest In Peace... somehow.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Things Are How They Should Be
I am finally coming to the conclusion that life is not a game. These is no amount of clothing, make- up, friends, money, etc. that can change who we really are. If someone likes you, they will like you no matter what you do or say. If someone has it made up in their mind that they don't like you, it's the same situation. You can kick it with someone for months, they may even become one of you closest acquaintances, but the fact remains- that if their first impression of you was ill- & they actually believed some pre conceived notions, once one argument triggers them... their true feelings about you WILL come out.
Lately I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I am constantly looking in the mirror and I am always questioning everything I think and do. I guess I have been so concerned with finding love from other people that I forgot how self sufficient I am. I am finally regaining control over my life... I haven't been late with any school assignments, I go home to Cleveland almost every weekend, I am still holding it down at Nordstrom and my girl has finally turned my name in at Delphi. I will hopefully be moving out of this apartment by September and I can't wait.
I am just ready to move into another phase of life. This era is over. I can see a change in myself, I no longer need to go to the club 3 times a weeks, honestly I haven't been out in CO in over a month. I just want to clear the air. No more niggas, no more drama; the kappa I just got done dealing with made me wake up to the fact that I don't have the patience to deal with weak little boys anymore. He lead me on for the last month then got back with his ex girlfriend, and what for? He was the one who liked me, he was the one who called me, invited me over, asked me out, etc. Why create drama for no reason? Why even waste your time? I don't get it. More than anything I can't be a hypocrite because as I told our mutual friend Myk and even my girl Tiff, I wasn't really feeling him. He was just another dude I was using to pass the time with, and I can't do that anymore.
I am at the point of no return. Everyone I need, is in my life right now. As of this moment, there are no hards feelings between me and anyone I really care about. A couple of guys I was actually damn near obsessed with in years passed, have become friendly- and I am even happier to know it won't go any further than friendship; but some niggas are just cool to chat with here and there.
Right now I am just focusing on not sweating the small stuff, mainly because I have a lot to be happy about right now. People come and people go. You can't always worry about what could have been, but rather we need to be happy about what is.
I'm not involved with anyone anymore... other than Polaris, but I am even thinking about cutting him off too. We have been sitting idle for almost a year now. What scares me more than anything is my lack of feelings for him. Last year at this time I was almost convinced that he would be the first person to make me fall in love, now- he is more around, just because I've grown accustom to him. There is no more poem writing, away messages, cooking, and I only text in response to his. It kind of makes me sad because I think that this last year has hardened my heart. There is not too much or too many I care about anymore. Even where the kappa was concerned, last year at this time- under normal circumstances... when a guy initiated the feelings- after being in his presence for so long, I would have started to gain feelings too, but now- it's just time wasted. Yea. But who knows, it's July 20th... maybe something good will happen today. H.B.D. Esco Bar!!!
Lately I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I am constantly looking in the mirror and I am always questioning everything I think and do. I guess I have been so concerned with finding love from other people that I forgot how self sufficient I am. I am finally regaining control over my life... I haven't been late with any school assignments, I go home to Cleveland almost every weekend, I am still holding it down at Nordstrom and my girl has finally turned my name in at Delphi. I will hopefully be moving out of this apartment by September and I can't wait.
I am just ready to move into another phase of life. This era is over. I can see a change in myself, I no longer need to go to the club 3 times a weeks, honestly I haven't been out in CO in over a month. I just want to clear the air. No more niggas, no more drama; the kappa I just got done dealing with made me wake up to the fact that I don't have the patience to deal with weak little boys anymore. He lead me on for the last month then got back with his ex girlfriend, and what for? He was the one who liked me, he was the one who called me, invited me over, asked me out, etc. Why create drama for no reason? Why even waste your time? I don't get it. More than anything I can't be a hypocrite because as I told our mutual friend Myk and even my girl Tiff, I wasn't really feeling him. He was just another dude I was using to pass the time with, and I can't do that anymore.
I am at the point of no return. Everyone I need, is in my life right now. As of this moment, there are no hards feelings between me and anyone I really care about. A couple of guys I was actually damn near obsessed with in years passed, have become friendly- and I am even happier to know it won't go any further than friendship; but some niggas are just cool to chat with here and there.
Right now I am just focusing on not sweating the small stuff, mainly because I have a lot to be happy about right now. People come and people go. You can't always worry about what could have been, but rather we need to be happy about what is.
I'm not involved with anyone anymore... other than Polaris, but I am even thinking about cutting him off too. We have been sitting idle for almost a year now. What scares me more than anything is my lack of feelings for him. Last year at this time I was almost convinced that he would be the first person to make me fall in love, now- he is more around, just because I've grown accustom to him. There is no more poem writing, away messages, cooking, and I only text in response to his. It kind of makes me sad because I think that this last year has hardened my heart. There is not too much or too many I care about anymore. Even where the kappa was concerned, last year at this time- under normal circumstances... when a guy initiated the feelings- after being in his presence for so long, I would have started to gain feelings too, but now- it's just time wasted. Yea. But who knows, it's July 20th... maybe something good will happen today. H.B.D. Esco Bar!!!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
N.A.S. PHI N.A.S.
I will never forget my senior year of high school when my friends and I started a little fake sorority- Niggas Ain't Shit! The worse thing is that all the values of that sorority still apply. I had been talking to this little Kappa for the last month or so and as of last night I found that he is just another pathetic excuse and waste of a Black man. If I hadn't gone to Applebees with my boy Myk, I guess I never would have found out that this Kappa was kicking it with his ex girlfriend... the same ex girlfriend he has been dogging for the last month. "She was never there for me while I was online", "she always would cancel our plans to hang out with her girls", "she only hit me up when she wanted to have sex", "the last straw was when she didn't come to my pro show earlier this year." I sometimes wonder if niggas talk just because they like the sound of their own voice?
The nigga talked all that shit, now I go to his facebook page a moment ago and his he is now in a relationship with her? That shit is hilarious! Niggas can't tell the damn truth to save their lives! And what I am wondering now is if that niggas thinks that I am going to be loyal? The secrets he told me about a couple of his frat bruhs. The secret he told me about one of the dudes that dropped off his line... You got me fucked up homie! I'm telling it all. Only niggas I am loyal to are the one who are loyal to me! I got your mutha fuckin ticket bitch! It's all good.
The nigga talked all that shit, now I go to his facebook page a moment ago and his he is now in a relationship with her? That shit is hilarious! Niggas can't tell the damn truth to save their lives! And what I am wondering now is if that niggas thinks that I am going to be loyal? The secrets he told me about a couple of his frat bruhs. The secret he told me about one of the dudes that dropped off his line... You got me fucked up homie! I'm telling it all. Only niggas I am loyal to are the one who are loyal to me! I got your mutha fuckin ticket bitch! It's all good.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
SOME Men Care
These Are The Three Sweetest/Romantic Moments Of My Life To Date...
What I Call The Best Days Of My Life EVER!!!
Yesterday after I talked to Myk- I was sitting here in my apt. thinking over my past. Myk & I had just had a conversation and for once in our friendship the tables were turned because he is "mad" about some "thing" going on in his life and I am ecstatic about a new man I have in my life. It got me to realizing that things have not always been so bad for me. No I didn't get Jason Moore, Sean Coffey and more recently my lastest big crushes Polaris, Esco Bar, & My Lil' Squirrel- but I do remember when I did get someone worth having, and since then I have called it the best day of my life! The date:1997, The place: W.H. Kirk Middle School, The boy: Darryl Copeland.
I will never forget how I looked in Jr. High School. At the time I thought I was cute, but I was a hot mess; I was a full breed tomboy with a prissy side? Right! To make a long story short- back then as now, the men I REALLY wanted didn't pay me any mind. I was not very popular, but two of my best friends at the time were Delonte Fomby and Sean Coffey (ironically). They were both athletes who played football, basketball and baseball and even more importantly they were close friends with their teammate Darryl Copeland.
From the time we were in seventh grade, I always did like "Cope". And once our "eighth grade dance" came, I could only dream that he would be my date- but that was OUT OF THE QUESTION. He was a popular athlete and- I was just me, lol. I will never forget hearing all the girls talk about him everyday in the locker room during gym and practice(yes- I once was a jock contrary to popular belief!). Friends would rationalize about who was more eligible to ask him out to the dance and most times I would just sit and rationalize to myself, "all these girls are pretty and popular, they have all the name brand clothes, they all belong to these cliques with other popular girls, but me- I was just a tomboy with a slew of male friends, I had nothing to offer!
It was two weeks before the dance and I had pretty much given up on the idea of "Cope" and I ever talking, let alone going to the dance together. I did somehow convince Sean Coffey to buy a ticket- so if push came to shove, I would sucker him into taking me; but that was as close as I was going to get to a date, so I thought.
I will never forget sitting on the charter bus on the way home from our Cedar Pointe trip. I shared a seat with one of my friends and this girl Nicole sat in the seat behind me and across from her was another one of my class mates Roby. I can recall the agony of listening to her profess her love of "Cope" to his boy Roby. As I sat there- I dug myself emotionally into a deeper ditch... She had the pretty skin, long curly hair, every pair of Jordan's that came out (now I realize none of that shit really matters- if I knew then what I know now, lol) there was no way I could compete with her. The bitch just went on and on about how much they liked each other and how she wish he had made the Cedar Pointe trip because she had planned to ask him to the dance- and right then, my heart broke...
Well, all of five seconds later these words came out of Roby's mouth and to this day I can quote them verbatim, "He is not going to go with you because he wants to take her!" as he pointed my way. I will never forget that moment of relief. He didn't ended up asking me until a Thursday night almost four days later. Fomby called me on three way and initiated what I call the best day of my life. I wore a teal and white dress with white shoes, he had on a black tux, my hair was not in the classic ponytail but done for once and when I walked into the dance on Cope's arm, it was the best feeling ever. I was with the most popular guy in the school, it was an upset- a W that should have never occured, I was with the boy all the other girls wanted and yet HE CHOOSE ME!
It's funny now thinking back, I always complain about the losers I've dated but my senior year I was the infamous date of Michael Pierson who won King at Collinwood's Homecoming when we went together and my boyfriend Maize & Blue was voted most popular and most likely to succeed. Just goes to show- people are never satisfied, even when they've had the best of the best- it's never enough!
My second sweetest moment in life took place a while ago also- but more recently! The date 2002 (March 21st during spring break), The Place: Morrison Tower room 723 (OSU Campus), and the Man: David Lanier. I went through so much bullshit my freshman year with everyone from friends to family. So when I realized my dorm was year around (because of international students) I decided not to go home to Cleveland and stay at OSU over spring break. At the time I was working in Kennedy Commons and I use to meet different guys from all over campus, that's where and how I met Dave. I remember my friend Jori having a crush on him and I do remember introducing them, but somewhere in there we became friends too. He stayed a floor from me in my dorms and we would chat occasionally.
We ran into each other the first day of break and realized that we were both going to be in Columbus the entire time, so he invited me to go on a lunch date the next afternoon. Of course when the time came, I was no where close to being ready, so I im'd him and asked if we could just order in and stay in the dorms. He came up to my room and ordered a large pizza from Papa John's (seeing that my roomie Freda was staying during break too). A while later he went to get the pizza from down stairs and I thought he was never coming back!
I would say about fifteen or twenty minutes passed before he arrived with the two boxes of pizza? I was a little puzzled because I remembered him only ordering one pizza. We all three began to eat, then after all of six minutes of containing my nosy tendencies I asked, "what's in the other box?" and he replied, "open it and see." Of course I am punk and felt a little weirded out by the whole situation so I wouldn't... and Dave finally opened the box in front of me...
I was stunned! As you can see above, inside the box was different colored roses and rose petals- I could have cried! Of course the following year was spent showered in love from my boy Dave. On my birthday he came to surprise me with a bottle of Moet, yet he was surprised when Maize & Blue answered the door. He would leave me encouraging notes and flowers once again during that year. Though, I will never forget how I would walk pass the front desk of Morrison and see floral arrangements damn near once a week. I would always think to myself... I wish someone would send me flowers. Then, the day before classes started my sophomore year, I walked pass and saw a floral arrangement yet again. I was pleasantly surprised after receiving a message from my front desk that they were for me.
It's too bad Dave had to transfer, but he brought a lot of memorable moments to my life. Even now, when we talk on the phone ONCE EVERY SIX MONTHS, or on aim here and there- I feel special and honored to have a friend like him. I remember last year he asked me if I knew what the look on my face looked like the first time he saw me walking out of the doors of Morrison and the first time he gave me flowers. He said that is what he sees every time he looks at my screen name. CLASSIC!
Drum Roll (Damn this entry and getting super long)
The Date: February 14, 2002, The Place: Morrison Tower 1007, The Man: Jamel Gordon
The final sweetest moment of my life came after a long night. Corey Thomas, Jasmine Jordan and I had spent hours looking for a Valentine's gift for his girl. Somewhere in between shopping and starving I got the most gigantic migraine ever. I spent the rest of the night in my dorm room vomiting with a fever. I am no help to the world when I am even slightly sick, so when Jamel continued to call me I ended up cursing him out and hung up on him. I later found out that he was on his way to bring me some soup- so I will forever be in his debt because I acted like a jerk!
Two weeks previous I had been asked to be Jamel's valentine so I came up with the best idea ever. He was so into his frat (Iota Phi Theta) and I had seen a musical bear that was brown and yellow. It took me forever to find the store again, but I bought it and my girl Summar drove me all over to about five store before we could find a voicebox. I recorded his theme song Fuck Them Other Niggas, put it in the bear and combined with a HUGE hershey's kiss and a card- that was his gift.
I was still sick when he came to my room that morning. My hair was all over my head, hadn't showered yet and basically looked like shit. I will never forget he had two bags, a balloon and a rose. He stood half way in the door as he handed me the Victoria Secrets bag with the fragrance PINK (which I still wear to this day), then he gave me the rose and balloon. As we continued to talk I realized that the second bag was from Crystal Classics in City Center. In my head I can remember thinking... damn- who did he get that for! I knew the caliber of the store sense I had spent many hours window shopping there. It's funny because even now, I can still remember thinking to myself, dang- he did it up for his other valentine... but when the boy handed me the bag a few minutes later- I could have fainted.
Jamel would always tell me he felt like he was a cat and I was a mouse because he was always chasing me (which was so untrue). Everyday he would say that to me! Inside the boxes were a SWAROVSKI cat a mice. It was so sweet because the gift played into his infamous line and more importantly it showed me that he knew a lot more about me than I ever knew. I always talk about SWAROVSKI, not with the intentions of someone buying me a gift- but it was refreshing to see that some men listen. I need to try and remember that!... No matter what you look like, how you act or who you are some men listen! Some men care!
What I Call The Best Days Of My Life EVER!!!
Yesterday after I talked to Myk- I was sitting here in my apt. thinking over my past. Myk & I had just had a conversation and for once in our friendship the tables were turned because he is "mad" about some "thing" going on in his life and I am ecstatic about a new man I have in my life. It got me to realizing that things have not always been so bad for me. No I didn't get Jason Moore, Sean Coffey and more recently my lastest big crushes Polaris, Esco Bar, & My Lil' Squirrel- but I do remember when I did get someone worth having, and since then I have called it the best day of my life! The date:1997, The place: W.H. Kirk Middle School, The boy: Darryl Copeland.
I will never forget how I looked in Jr. High School. At the time I thought I was cute, but I was a hot mess; I was a full breed tomboy with a prissy side? Right! To make a long story short- back then as now, the men I REALLY wanted didn't pay me any mind. I was not very popular, but two of my best friends at the time were Delonte Fomby and Sean Coffey (ironically). They were both athletes who played football, basketball and baseball and even more importantly they were close friends with their teammate Darryl Copeland.
From the time we were in seventh grade, I always did like "Cope". And once our "eighth grade dance" came, I could only dream that he would be my date- but that was OUT OF THE QUESTION. He was a popular athlete and- I was just me, lol. I will never forget hearing all the girls talk about him everyday in the locker room during gym and practice(yes- I once was a jock contrary to popular belief!). Friends would rationalize about who was more eligible to ask him out to the dance and most times I would just sit and rationalize to myself, "all these girls are pretty and popular, they have all the name brand clothes, they all belong to these cliques with other popular girls, but me- I was just a tomboy with a slew of male friends, I had nothing to offer!
It was two weeks before the dance and I had pretty much given up on the idea of "Cope" and I ever talking, let alone going to the dance together. I did somehow convince Sean Coffey to buy a ticket- so if push came to shove, I would sucker him into taking me; but that was as close as I was going to get to a date, so I thought.
I will never forget sitting on the charter bus on the way home from our Cedar Pointe trip. I shared a seat with one of my friends and this girl Nicole sat in the seat behind me and across from her was another one of my class mates Roby. I can recall the agony of listening to her profess her love of "Cope" to his boy Roby. As I sat there- I dug myself emotionally into a deeper ditch... She had the pretty skin, long curly hair, every pair of Jordan's that came out (now I realize none of that shit really matters- if I knew then what I know now, lol) there was no way I could compete with her. The bitch just went on and on about how much they liked each other and how she wish he had made the Cedar Pointe trip because she had planned to ask him to the dance- and right then, my heart broke...
Well, all of five seconds later these words came out of Roby's mouth and to this day I can quote them verbatim, "He is not going to go with you because he wants to take her!" as he pointed my way. I will never forget that moment of relief. He didn't ended up asking me until a Thursday night almost four days later. Fomby called me on three way and initiated what I call the best day of my life. I wore a teal and white dress with white shoes, he had on a black tux, my hair was not in the classic ponytail but done for once and when I walked into the dance on Cope's arm, it was the best feeling ever. I was with the most popular guy in the school, it was an upset- a W that should have never occured, I was with the boy all the other girls wanted and yet HE CHOOSE ME!
It's funny now thinking back, I always complain about the losers I've dated but my senior year I was the infamous date of Michael Pierson who won King at Collinwood's Homecoming when we went together and my boyfriend Maize & Blue was voted most popular and most likely to succeed. Just goes to show- people are never satisfied, even when they've had the best of the best- it's never enough!
My second sweetest moment in life took place a while ago also- but more recently! The date 2002 (March 21st during spring break), The Place: Morrison Tower room 723 (OSU Campus), and the Man: David Lanier. I went through so much bullshit my freshman year with everyone from friends to family. So when I realized my dorm was year around (because of international students) I decided not to go home to Cleveland and stay at OSU over spring break. At the time I was working in Kennedy Commons and I use to meet different guys from all over campus, that's where and how I met Dave. I remember my friend Jori having a crush on him and I do remember introducing them, but somewhere in there we became friends too. He stayed a floor from me in my dorms and we would chat occasionally.
We ran into each other the first day of break and realized that we were both going to be in Columbus the entire time, so he invited me to go on a lunch date the next afternoon. Of course when the time came, I was no where close to being ready, so I im'd him and asked if we could just order in and stay in the dorms. He came up to my room and ordered a large pizza from Papa John's (seeing that my roomie Freda was staying during break too). A while later he went to get the pizza from down stairs and I thought he was never coming back!
I would say about fifteen or twenty minutes passed before he arrived with the two boxes of pizza? I was a little puzzled because I remembered him only ordering one pizza. We all three began to eat, then after all of six minutes of containing my nosy tendencies I asked, "what's in the other box?" and he replied, "open it and see." Of course I am punk and felt a little weirded out by the whole situation so I wouldn't... and Dave finally opened the box in front of me...
I was stunned! As you can see above, inside the box was different colored roses and rose petals- I could have cried! Of course the following year was spent showered in love from my boy Dave. On my birthday he came to surprise me with a bottle of Moet, yet he was surprised when Maize & Blue answered the door. He would leave me encouraging notes and flowers once again during that year. Though, I will never forget how I would walk pass the front desk of Morrison and see floral arrangements damn near once a week. I would always think to myself... I wish someone would send me flowers. Then, the day before classes started my sophomore year, I walked pass and saw a floral arrangement yet again. I was pleasantly surprised after receiving a message from my front desk that they were for me.
It's too bad Dave had to transfer, but he brought a lot of memorable moments to my life. Even now, when we talk on the phone ONCE EVERY SIX MONTHS, or on aim here and there- I feel special and honored to have a friend like him. I remember last year he asked me if I knew what the look on my face looked like the first time he saw me walking out of the doors of Morrison and the first time he gave me flowers. He said that is what he sees every time he looks at my screen name. CLASSIC!
Drum Roll (Damn this entry and getting super long)
The Date: February 14, 2002, The Place: Morrison Tower 1007, The Man: Jamel Gordon
The final sweetest moment of my life came after a long night. Corey Thomas, Jasmine Jordan and I had spent hours looking for a Valentine's gift for his girl. Somewhere in between shopping and starving I got the most gigantic migraine ever. I spent the rest of the night in my dorm room vomiting with a fever. I am no help to the world when I am even slightly sick, so when Jamel continued to call me I ended up cursing him out and hung up on him. I later found out that he was on his way to bring me some soup- so I will forever be in his debt because I acted like a jerk!
Two weeks previous I had been asked to be Jamel's valentine so I came up with the best idea ever. He was so into his frat (Iota Phi Theta) and I had seen a musical bear that was brown and yellow. It took me forever to find the store again, but I bought it and my girl Summar drove me all over to about five store before we could find a voicebox. I recorded his theme song Fuck Them Other Niggas, put it in the bear and combined with a HUGE hershey's kiss and a card- that was his gift.
I was still sick when he came to my room that morning. My hair was all over my head, hadn't showered yet and basically looked like shit. I will never forget he had two bags, a balloon and a rose. He stood half way in the door as he handed me the Victoria Secrets bag with the fragrance PINK (which I still wear to this day), then he gave me the rose and balloon. As we continued to talk I realized that the second bag was from Crystal Classics in City Center. In my head I can remember thinking... damn- who did he get that for! I knew the caliber of the store sense I had spent many hours window shopping there. It's funny because even now, I can still remember thinking to myself, dang- he did it up for his other valentine... but when the boy handed me the bag a few minutes later- I could have fainted.
Jamel would always tell me he felt like he was a cat and I was a mouse because he was always chasing me (which was so untrue). Everyday he would say that to me! Inside the boxes were a SWAROVSKI cat a mice. It was so sweet because the gift played into his infamous line and more importantly it showed me that he knew a lot more about me than I ever knew. I always talk about SWAROVSKI, not with the intentions of someone buying me a gift- but it was refreshing to see that some men listen. I need to try and remember that!... No matter what you look like, how you act or who you are some men listen! Some men care!
Saturday, July 08, 2006
What To Do- What To Do?
I know I should be looking at the obvious; fast money goes fast.
But I been too concerned with love and finding someone to make me laugh.
Someone who will be real- someone who will give his hand to me.
Someone to take care of me- a nigga worth making a family.
So sick of CO & OSU niggas always thinking they high and mighty.
Just looking for that dude to coincide with me not one who always tryna fight with me.
Not really throwing in the towel- but I am stepping up my standards.
Sick of him being my employee- time for that promotion to my MANager.
I have been thinking a lot about possibilities lately; what could have been, what is and what still can be. My mom has been telling my brother in law Emery not to sell himself short. He is a talented videographer who is constantly swiping his trade for things that are not comparable. I guess from the outside looking in- I am realizing that I do the same thing just in a different manner- I am constantly settling for shit that is not worth my time nor effort.
Well, I know one thing- I am going to go for what I know. I am no longer going to give more than I receive. I am pretty much sick of dealing with the shenanigans of others. I know what I want and I know what it takes to get there. I am not doing to predetermine failure with "Big Time" just because the stability isn't there. The fact is- things change. "Big Time" told me that he needs a girl like me in his life because I bring so much positivity; I will cause him to accomplish things that he has previously been shied from. So, I am ready to step up to the plate, I guess...
Today at work David and Eddie asked me where I was going out to tonite and I said no where. They immediately said, "H.R. (my nickname at work) musta got a boyfriend!" The funny thing is- I am burnt out. I am sick of dealing with bullshit- so now, even though I know there are other men I like and care about- I am feeling like throwing in the card. Yea, I am still a commitment phobic- but "B" is so real, so cool, so right- that he actually has me considering what I should do.
But I been too concerned with love and finding someone to make me laugh.
Someone who will be real- someone who will give his hand to me.
Someone to take care of me- a nigga worth making a family.
So sick of CO & OSU niggas always thinking they high and mighty.
Just looking for that dude to coincide with me not one who always tryna fight with me.
Not really throwing in the towel- but I am stepping up my standards.
Sick of him being my employee- time for that promotion to my MANager.
I have been thinking a lot about possibilities lately; what could have been, what is and what still can be. My mom has been telling my brother in law Emery not to sell himself short. He is a talented videographer who is constantly swiping his trade for things that are not comparable. I guess from the outside looking in- I am realizing that I do the same thing just in a different manner- I am constantly settling for shit that is not worth my time nor effort.
Well, I know one thing- I am going to go for what I know. I am no longer going to give more than I receive. I am pretty much sick of dealing with the shenanigans of others. I know what I want and I know what it takes to get there. I am not doing to predetermine failure with "Big Time" just because the stability isn't there. The fact is- things change. "Big Time" told me that he needs a girl like me in his life because I bring so much positivity; I will cause him to accomplish things that he has previously been shied from. So, I am ready to step up to the plate, I guess...
Today at work David and Eddie asked me where I was going out to tonite and I said no where. They immediately said, "H.R. (my nickname at work) musta got a boyfriend!" The funny thing is- I am burnt out. I am sick of dealing with bullshit- so now, even though I know there are other men I like and care about- I am feeling like throwing in the card. Yea, I am still a commitment phobic- but "B" is so real, so cool, so right- that he actually has me considering what I should do.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Things Are Not Always What They Seem!
I was thinking about Mary J. Blige today...or rather, I was thinking about something Nikki said about Mary J. Blige the other day. She mentioned that her music was much better when she was unhappy and going through drama. I think that most relate to the work others when it is concerning some sort of misfortune, because we can all relate to pain. Happiness, well that's another subject- but what we all know is that it's something that doesn't come with regularity in life. Sitting back and observing all the artist we love and admire from actors to musicians, most of them are unhappy. They may portray an image of sanity to the media, but deep down inside it couldn't be farther from the truth. Many of them are bad parents, have failing marriages, and contrary to popular belief- many have financial problems also. Things are not always what they seem!
My sister once had a friend who claimed to be in love. Any chance she got to throw it in my sister's face, was not passed in vain. She bragged about relocating out of state and taking a better job, being engaged, blah blah blah. Well, as it turned out, she did transfer in her company- but the job was the same title- same pay, she did move out of state but she was doing so to tag along to her dead beat fiance' who has now become her deadbeat estranged baby's dad. All along she would have us believe she was living a life worth envying... but things are not always what they seem!
When I began my freshman year here at OSU, I had a friend who was hot to get married. He actually proposed to me on different occasions, but at the time I was way too young for marriage. I told him I would marry him in five years (funny, if he had waited- we would be married right now!). He was a great guy; had a degree- which lead him to a nice career as a Chemist, a car, a home, etc... oh and he was also a VIRGIN!?!? Of course he was not willing to wait the five years for me and up until February- last I heard he got married to a "familiar face". She was comparable to him, educated, came from a nice family, etc... oh yea- & hot to get married too. So wed they did. To make a long story short, she left him for a local dope boy. My friend continued to support her for months hoping that she would "come to her senses" but she never did so he moved on and divorce the "familiar face" behind her back. The day their divorce was final, he called her and said, "Bitch! We're divorced," while she was back at home in VA celebrating her father's birthday. The rest of the family thought they were happy newly weds. The rest of the family though he was arriving on a later flight. But what the rest of the family didn't realize is that, things are not always what they seem!
Happiness is circumstantial as are opinions. What angle you're looking from, whose side you're hearing, how you were raised, etc. will all factor into what you believe. But, the truth is not circumstantial- the truth is final. No matter what rumor you heard you don't know for a fact unless you were there to witness it for your yourself. If you heard a girl or guy is a hoe, were you the third person there involved in the orgy? No! So, how can you say for sure? If you think that a person has feelings for someone in question, are you Ms. Cleo or one of Dionne Warwick's psychic friends? No! So, how do you know for sure?
The fact is, you can never assume. Someone may seem happy while all along they are going through hell inside. Someone may put on a front like they
are happy, while all they are concerned with is outside appearance. Someone may actually be happy while all along the things or persons who are causing this happiness are being swept right from under their feet. What we must try harder to do is stop judging others. Stop comparing ourselves amongst ourselves. Who really knows what happiness is anyway? My happiness is way different from your happiness! Just as Mary performs better when she is angry- I tend to write better when I am angry. I guess it's that our talent is rooted to our pain. And WE ALL have that common denominator of pain. I guess this is why people just can't be happy for me. I guess this is why bitches hate. I guess this is why you have to try and bring me down when you see me reaching my goal. People pretend to be down with you but, things are not always what they seem!
"Niggas frown when you up and smile when you down. And when you change for the better life, fools stop comin' around" ~UGK Diamonds and Wood
Fuck you hating dastardly ass BITCH!
My sister once had a friend who claimed to be in love. Any chance she got to throw it in my sister's face, was not passed in vain. She bragged about relocating out of state and taking a better job, being engaged, blah blah blah. Well, as it turned out, she did transfer in her company- but the job was the same title- same pay, she did move out of state but she was doing so to tag along to her dead beat fiance' who has now become her deadbeat estranged baby's dad. All along she would have us believe she was living a life worth envying... but things are not always what they seem!
When I began my freshman year here at OSU, I had a friend who was hot to get married. He actually proposed to me on different occasions, but at the time I was way too young for marriage. I told him I would marry him in five years (funny, if he had waited- we would be married right now!). He was a great guy; had a degree- which lead him to a nice career as a Chemist, a car, a home, etc... oh and he was also a VIRGIN!?!? Of course he was not willing to wait the five years for me and up until February- last I heard he got married to a "familiar face". She was comparable to him, educated, came from a nice family, etc... oh yea- & hot to get married too. So wed they did. To make a long story short, she left him for a local dope boy. My friend continued to support her for months hoping that she would "come to her senses" but she never did so he moved on and divorce the "familiar face" behind her back. The day their divorce was final, he called her and said, "Bitch! We're divorced," while she was back at home in VA celebrating her father's birthday. The rest of the family thought they were happy newly weds. The rest of the family though he was arriving on a later flight. But what the rest of the family didn't realize is that, things are not always what they seem!
Happiness is circumstantial as are opinions. What angle you're looking from, whose side you're hearing, how you were raised, etc. will all factor into what you believe. But, the truth is not circumstantial- the truth is final. No matter what rumor you heard you don't know for a fact unless you were there to witness it for your yourself. If you heard a girl or guy is a hoe, were you the third person there involved in the orgy? No! So, how can you say for sure? If you think that a person has feelings for someone in question, are you Ms. Cleo or one of Dionne Warwick's psychic friends? No! So, how do you know for sure?
The fact is, you can never assume. Someone may seem happy while all along they are going through hell inside. Someone may put on a front like they
are happy, while all they are concerned with is outside appearance. Someone may actually be happy while all along the things or persons who are causing this happiness are being swept right from under their feet. What we must try harder to do is stop judging others. Stop comparing ourselves amongst ourselves. Who really knows what happiness is anyway? My happiness is way different from your happiness! Just as Mary performs better when she is angry- I tend to write better when I am angry. I guess it's that our talent is rooted to our pain. And WE ALL have that common denominator of pain. I guess this is why people just can't be happy for me. I guess this is why bitches hate. I guess this is why you have to try and bring me down when you see me reaching my goal. People pretend to be down with you but, things are not always what they seem!
"Niggas frown when you up and smile when you down. And when you change for the better life, fools stop comin' around" ~UGK Diamonds and Wood
Fuck you hating dastardly ass BITCH!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
The Jack Pot!!!
I once heard statistics read by one of the journalists at 107.5 about monogamous relationships. It said some thing to the effect that women tend to be in happier relationships where monogamy is kept sacred when the man has less education (no college degree specifically) and is just working. I was also talking to my boy here at OSU last summer and I remember him telling me that city niggas LOVE college girls. They feel that we are superior and worth having around, and when they get with one of us they feel as if they have hit The Jackpot. I am not so sure about the first, but I know the latter is true. Us college girls are spectacular- but most of our Black men do not recognize this, so we either have the choice of doing two things... sitting and waiting for these niggas to come around to their senses or move on.
After going home this weekend I now realize that I am selling myself short. I have been tripping over these college boys who have nothing but a piece of paper and an attitude. Truth be told, if these dudes were thrown in this world with out that piece of paper or popularity because of a sport or frat, they wouldn't survive. Once we scratch the surface- how many of these niggas have enough personality to keep themselves awake? Not too many!
Well, this weekend I met someone who immediately confessed to me that he feels as if he has hit The Jackpot when he met me. I am not going to reveal any premature feelings about him just yet- but "those" feelings are mutual. He is one of the "types" I have always wanted to date, but never thought I would get with on this level. I always see those girls out and about and I have read books where things like this happen; but as a stared out of the window of his condo in the Flats my first thought was... I hit The damn Jackpot! I met someone with just as much "swagger" as me...
Quote
"Your Gucci glasses are real nice! I have like five pair I never wear. I have come to the conclusion that a real man only wears Cartier."
End Quote
Now, I'm not saying I'm a Gold Digger, but comments like that just make me want to be. And even further comments like that gives me the ability to appreciate a real man and makes me want to dog OSU niggas even more who think they are on this fucking pedestal because they are enrolled here. Most of you niggas can't even hold a real conversation let alone pay for dinner! Keep it moving.
I never thought that being turned away from a club (because Nikki is only 19 & can't get an ID) would end so gracefully, but I met Big Time or "B" as I like to call him. And I bet Nikki never thought that sneaking into Spy so ungracefully would end so nicely, but somewhere between coming and going she met her NBA player.
Yea, we're two college WOMEN, but we damn for sure hit The Jackpot
His Eyes
Another poem from about a year ago about a certain OSU man (Esco Bar) I was feeling, enjoy!
It's funny, because in my mind I want to date him, in my heart I want to be his friend.
But he won't give me the chance to do either, because of how my past has sinned.
Man, but every time I see him- I just get all the more encouraged.
Because his eyes tell me something his loyalty to his boy tries to discourage.
I have this problem with sitting on the back burner and letting good men pass me by.
Either because of my lack of self confidence... or my inability to say, "hi".
Cause when he walkes by I am frozen, because he is so damn sexy.
And everything is his eyes- just seems to reflect me.
And I know it's not just in my head because my girl was there to witness.
How much he was feeling me- even though he tries to keep his distance.
Cause he was all in here ear; his voice belonged to her, both his eyes were all mine.
And if his boy was not there to hate, oh yea- I'd be occupying a lot of his time.
But now the tracks are laid down, 1st impressions gone with the wind.
And though I'm at OSU to learn, my dilemma is how to get in?
What do I have to do to make you forget about our mutual connection?
What game I got to spit in your ear- so our hearts can have the same final destination?
Can I dial you 10 digits in hopes that the 1st 3 starts as mine?
Cause I hear you're from E.C. which is just another positive sign.
Cause I am the kinda girl that's does no wrong- I will keep those eyes focused.
Tell me what I got to do, to get my feelings noticed.
Even though our chances are dead on arrival, I am a firm believer in resuscitation.
We can do this anytime you want, Lecture... Discussion... Recitation!
I wish I could holla at you one on one without any outside opinions.
Then maybe we can get to the point that I'm trying to be getting.
Have you found your soul mate- what do you do with your spare time?
Can I be one of those extra curricular activities? And can you be mine (soul mate)?
Cause I want to look into your eyes and see right through your soul.
Maybe I am thinking too far ahead, but there is something deeper I need to know.
Let me see to your heart or just let me see something with in.
Don't want to speak just in passing, can we at least be friends.
But why stunt our relationship over something that you have no concrete evidence of?
He said, she said, we are too old... far beyond- way above.
Because I want to inspire you to carry out what your eyes have already spoken.
Start speaking from your mouth, stop pretending to be blind when your eyes are wide open.
It's funny, because in my mind I want to date him, in my heart I want to be his friend.
But he won't give me the chance to do either, because of how my past has sinned.
Man, but every time I see him- I just get all the more encouraged.
Because his eyes tell me something his loyalty to his boy tries to discourage.
I have this problem with sitting on the back burner and letting good men pass me by.
Either because of my lack of self confidence... or my inability to say, "hi".
Cause when he walkes by I am frozen, because he is so damn sexy.
And everything is his eyes- just seems to reflect me.
And I know it's not just in my head because my girl was there to witness.
How much he was feeling me- even though he tries to keep his distance.
Cause he was all in here ear; his voice belonged to her, both his eyes were all mine.
And if his boy was not there to hate, oh yea- I'd be occupying a lot of his time.
But now the tracks are laid down, 1st impressions gone with the wind.
And though I'm at OSU to learn, my dilemma is how to get in?
What do I have to do to make you forget about our mutual connection?
What game I got to spit in your ear- so our hearts can have the same final destination?
Can I dial you 10 digits in hopes that the 1st 3 starts as mine?
Cause I hear you're from E.C. which is just another positive sign.
Cause I am the kinda girl that's does no wrong- I will keep those eyes focused.
Tell me what I got to do, to get my feelings noticed.
Even though our chances are dead on arrival, I am a firm believer in resuscitation.
We can do this anytime you want, Lecture... Discussion... Recitation!
I wish I could holla at you one on one without any outside opinions.
Then maybe we can get to the point that I'm trying to be getting.
Have you found your soul mate- what do you do with your spare time?
Can I be one of those extra curricular activities? And can you be mine (soul mate)?
Cause I want to look into your eyes and see right through your soul.
Maybe I am thinking too far ahead, but there is something deeper I need to know.
Let me see to your heart or just let me see something with in.
Don't want to speak just in passing, can we at least be friends.
But why stunt our relationship over something that you have no concrete evidence of?
He said, she said, we are too old... far beyond- way above.
Because I want to inspire you to carry out what your eyes have already spoken.
Start speaking from your mouth, stop pretending to be blind when your eyes are wide open.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Just For Fun
My bestfriend sent me this & I thought this way cute- so this is the official shout out to my homie!
1.Who are you? L. to the mutha fuckin J
2. Are we friends? BEST
3. When and how did we meet? @ CVS, 11 yrs ago, thru Earl :-/
4. How have I affected you? In infinte ways, too many to list.
5. What do you think of me? you're the best thing that ever happened to me.
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me? when we use to go to Tower City together
7. How long do you think we will be friends or enemies? beyond eternity
8. Do you love me? more than life it's self
9. Have I ever hurt you? YES!
10. Would you hug me? YES!
11. Would you kiss me? yes
12. Would you make love to me? heck no!
13.Are we close? VERY
14. Emotionally, what stands out? You are my friend no matter what I've done or how I've treated you
15. Do you wish I was cooler? no
16 On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I? 7
17. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. Booger... b/c u pick them & eat them
18. Am I loveable? yes
19. How long have you known me? stated that above
20. Describe me in one word. Explicit
21. What was your first impression? who is that lame
22. Do you still think that way about me now? nope
23. What do you think my weakness is? jealousy
24. Do you think I'll get married? yes, hopefully by yrs end
25. What about me makes you happy? when ever u r happy & doing something productive with ur life
26. What about me makes you sad? when u r a sittin duck
27. What reminds you of me? This Kappa @ OSU, & pretty hair
28 What's something you would change about me? your breathe b/c it reaks (j/k)
29. How well do you know me? like the back of my hand
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? never
31. Do you think I would kill someone? yea, I'm a killa... I only roll wit killers!
..."And I Always Found Friends In People That Were Unlikely..."
I have always thought myself to be a very loyal friend; you know- if my girl hates someone I hate them too... NO questions asked. But after falling out with people here and there so many times & my so called friends would remain CLOSE acquaintances of my enemies, I started to reevaluate how loyal I should be. I guess this is kind of how Howard and I became so close and more importantly why we remained friends after he and my cousin Kim broke up...
It was the typical High School hook up, it was and Kim and I's junior year and Howard and Herc's sophomore year... they were best friends- we were favorite cousins(at the time). When Kim became official with Howard, I was somehow forced into "something" with Herc and the rest is history. I eventually fell out with Herc because he was a jerk and Kim and Howard began having problems. She called him one night and he told her he would call her back, so she immediately called me and had me call him. I guess the resentment between she and I began when Howard didn't tell me to call him back, but stayed on the phone with me for three hours???
When I wrote my entry "Yesteryears", I kind of forgot why Kim and I fell out to begin with, but THAT was the defining moment- when she had me call her boyfriend to get dirt on him and somehow got mad at me for doing the job she set me up to do? Next thing I knew we were at a game at Warrensville and all her male friends were hitting on me and inviting me to go out to Denney's with them afterwards, but she was so hot to say, "No! I have to go somewhere with my mother when we leave here." She drove me home, and when I called her an hour later she was conveniently the only girl with all these niggas at Denney's- I guess she viewed me, her-little-cousin, as competition!
I knew things would never be the same when I heard she had a hotel party and didn't even invite me! So, the drama started. She was petty as fuck at my graduation party and didn't even show up with a gift. Howard came to the party and she told him to leave but was stunned when he said he wasn't there for her, lmao! So, I went tit for tat and Howard and I showed up at her graduation party together right as it was ending and gave her a card with both our names on it and I didn't talk to Kim again until half way through our Freshman year of college... By then I knew that Howard was my real friend. And after linking the things Howard told me-she-said-behind-my-back and the same story the Jason Dorsey (Rest In Peace) told me- I wasn't trying to mend out friendship over his & mine.
I guess after I fell out with the group fomerly known as "Tha Phynest" I really didn't have many people to hang with on campus. I was a freshman, never had any money, and I didn't have a car. I remember for the Ice Breakers and Que Skating Party Howard would drive way to Columbus just so I would have a ride. And more than anything, when Maize & Blue and I broke up- Howard sided with me(even though he LOVED Pierre), while most of my "friends" and family members did otherwise. This is when I realized he was just as loyal to me as I was to him. If I hated Pierre- he hated him too, NO questions asked!
We are so much alike; always into it with people- everyone claims they hate us but deep down everyone loves us! It's funny I always seem to make really good friend with people everyone always dogs, you know- "friend that are unlikely". Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I know the rumors going around about me aren't true, so I sympathize with people who get the same treatment I do. I dunno?
What I do know is Howard says I am his best friend (aside from Herc... BOOOOO!) as he is mine (aside from Derrick... XOXO) but I know that we will always be cool. We do argue, go months without talking, but our friendship is solid and permanent and he was there for me during a lot of trying times. And just as my name will ALWAYS be tattooed on Maize & Blue's arm... My name will always be in Howard's life... because he named his first born after me Jaden LINDEN Baldrige. Besides- friendships that are too easy aren't worth having!
"...Listen, I'm trying to tell you my nigga to watch yo' back and trust FEW (Derrick, Howard & "Nikkilicious")/ Cause ain't no nigga gone watch yo' back for you like you/ When someone is broke and down and out without no clout it's rough/ At least you know who you CAN and who you can not trust/..."
~Eightball Friend or Foe
My Perception Of Love
My perception of Love is as intricate as is simplistic.
And apart from how "most females" think, my perception is realistic.
I know that Love can be found in many places.
But no matter where you find it, it's the same, same name [Love] different faces.
It is by no means perfect, unless you expect the least.
And as I have found, in my life, Love is not what I thought it to be.
It's not this bond with my parents that started before I was born.
Because most of the time with my parents my feelings are torn.
It's not this unconditional backing I always have from my two older sisters.
As much as I've tried to voice my heart to them- they've never been listeners.
I thought I found Love a few years ago, and I promise I tried to fall.
But at the end of the game I found- it was the biggest hoax of them all.
I gave all my trust, I gave all my love, I gave him everything I has to give.
But at the end of the game he'd rather see me die than live.
And all everyone can see is the grass was always green.
They blame the misfortune on me, because they can't feel my heart bleeding.
Because in their eyes I was never what they wanted me to be...
The smart or quiet girl... Erin or Elise.
The girl who'd give up all the goods- while she was handed shit.
Cheat, take my money, kill my self- esteem, but this is Love I was convinced?
But I am no longer blind... and this secret of Love has been revealed in theory.
And it's the chance that it's been revealed too late that I really am fearing.
I want someone to make me laugh, because I have been sad way too long.
A man with a little talent, no need to borrow lines, he sings his own songs.
And he hears what I say because he is not "always" "talking".
He's got game but it's not the game he is always running, or walking.
Because he is constantly keeping it real, most importantly because he is my constant.
We may argue everyday but we are constantly solving our problems.
And he makes me want to be better, and he brings out the best in me.
And apart from being my lover he has accomplished the challenge of befriending me.
I am not talking about a man I am talking about Love and what exactly it is.
Something I wish I could buy or earn, but something that is only a gift.
And maybe I will never experience Love because it is never what I think it seems.
This is most likely why my perception of Love, I only find in my Dreams.
And apart from how "most females" think, my perception is realistic.
I know that Love can be found in many places.
But no matter where you find it, it's the same, same name [Love] different faces.
It is by no means perfect, unless you expect the least.
And as I have found, in my life, Love is not what I thought it to be.
It's not this bond with my parents that started before I was born.
Because most of the time with my parents my feelings are torn.
It's not this unconditional backing I always have from my two older sisters.
As much as I've tried to voice my heart to them- they've never been listeners.
I thought I found Love a few years ago, and I promise I tried to fall.
But at the end of the game I found- it was the biggest hoax of them all.
I gave all my trust, I gave all my love, I gave him everything I has to give.
But at the end of the game he'd rather see me die than live.
And all everyone can see is the grass was always green.
They blame the misfortune on me, because they can't feel my heart bleeding.
Because in their eyes I was never what they wanted me to be...
The smart or quiet girl... Erin or Elise.
The girl who'd give up all the goods- while she was handed shit.
Cheat, take my money, kill my self- esteem, but this is Love I was convinced?
But I am no longer blind... and this secret of Love has been revealed in theory.
And it's the chance that it's been revealed too late that I really am fearing.
I want someone to make me laugh, because I have been sad way too long.
A man with a little talent, no need to borrow lines, he sings his own songs.
And he hears what I say because he is not "always" "talking".
He's got game but it's not the game he is always running, or walking.
Because he is constantly keeping it real, most importantly because he is my constant.
We may argue everyday but we are constantly solving our problems.
And he makes me want to be better, and he brings out the best in me.
And apart from being my lover he has accomplished the challenge of befriending me.
I am not talking about a man I am talking about Love and what exactly it is.
Something I wish I could buy or earn, but something that is only a gift.
And maybe I will never experience Love because it is never what I think it seems.
This is most likely why my perception of Love, I only find in my Dreams.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Friends, Loyalty & Dalana Giles...
It's funny how people can criticize things one may do to better themselves. Like this blog for instance, it was created for me to fell better about myself. No, I don't need to hit someone below the belt and say things on here that I can't or am too scared to say to their faces, because the truth is- there in no coward in me. I also am not going to edit or cut short [stories] because someone may think, "I'm writing a book". This is for me... if you take offense DON'T READ! Last time I checked, no one was holding a gun to your head.
Today, I was chilling with my boys Amal & Jamel at there job and it made me realize that I'm not so bad, things just happen for a reason- both friendships and fall outs. Amal and I have been friends for fours years and we have never had a spat- maybe it's a TAURUS thing! Then- where Jamel and I are concerned- he has been my acquaintance since my first week of school at OSU. We have had our ups and downs... highs and VERY LOWS, some would say we have a love/hate relationship (Teana), but we have somehow remained cool. I believe that no matter what you do, if someone is supposed to be in your life, they will be. My friendships with Amal and Jamel are complete opposites, with Amal- we always see eye to eye, with Jamel... well, everyone knows "THAT" history, but the relating factor is we're cool just the same.
All of this got me to thinking about Dalana, my long lost best FEMALE friend. We became best friends in Mrs. Corgan's Kindergarten class, and remained that way until tenth grade :'-( We use to always tell people, we were real friends because our friendship had lasted many obstacles... Her five moves (from as close as Euclid to as far as Texas), my crazy moods, fist fights- no matter what, I thought THAT was going to be my nigga. Somewhere in the mix I wrote her off. I guess it had something to do with her loyalty issues... but I'll get back to that.
Last week my mother was telling me how she always knew in her heart, if Yahweh willed for some thing to be a certain way, their was no thing she could do to deter that, i.e. if he wants one to have a job they will have a job. But she also mentioned that standing on the point that his will- will always be done, is no reason to refrain from submitting job applications. For years she has alienated her parents yet was still convinced that she has forgiven them. She told me that she felt if Yahweh wanted her to let them back in her life- it would be done, but she woke up last week- and after all of this time she realized that she was that person waiting on a job in vain instead of going out and applying. So, she decided as step forward- to take the baby's most recent sonograms over to them on Saturday and as soon as she did it, she knew that she had made THE step that Yaweh was waiting on her to take.
I said all of that to say this, I thought that when I cut Dalana off because of her disloyalty, if she was meant to be in my life, one day she would be back. I am realizing that maybe I was wrong. I have sheltered myself so much, that when people travel outside of my comfort zone or betray me one time, I cut them out of my life completely with no regard to longevity. I just won't let the same person hurt me twice and in most cases I don't regret it, but in this case I am starting to. I guess I am seeing the errors in my way because more recently I have been for the lack of a better word [disloyal] to a person and I think the damage I caused is irreversible. I don't know what would have been different if she and I had remained friends, I really don't even know what's been going on with her in the last six years. I do know she went to Toledo, Erin saw her my sophomore year at her boyfriends house in Shaker, my mom saw her working at Walmart a couple of years ago, and Derrick told me she had a baby a little over a year ago. It's amazing that you think someone will always be in your life, then they're gone- that quick.
I guess I just need to realize that everyone can not be like me and everyone does not have what I have. Some people just can't be loyal- EVER. People hate, people have trials that I could never imagine surviving... and all the while they keep it inside. I hope one day that I can be more forgiving. But as of now I have friends in three categories; the ones I never fall out with(Amal), the ones I have fallen out with but have also forgiven(Jamel), and the ones who I cut off forever(Dalana). No matter the rumors of all the girls I have beef with, guys on campus who HATE me, etc. in my lifetime I have only been the one let go once- and it hurts like hell. Matter of fact it's been five years and it hurts more now than it did then. I wonder- what role the people I cross paths with everyday will play tomorrow. Will you be my best friend, someone I fall out with... you just never know!
Today, I was chilling with my boys Amal & Jamel at there job and it made me realize that I'm not so bad, things just happen for a reason- both friendships and fall outs. Amal and I have been friends for fours years and we have never had a spat- maybe it's a TAURUS thing! Then- where Jamel and I are concerned- he has been my acquaintance since my first week of school at OSU. We have had our ups and downs... highs and VERY LOWS, some would say we have a love/hate relationship (Teana), but we have somehow remained cool. I believe that no matter what you do, if someone is supposed to be in your life, they will be. My friendships with Amal and Jamel are complete opposites, with Amal- we always see eye to eye, with Jamel... well, everyone knows "THAT" history, but the relating factor is we're cool just the same.
All of this got me to thinking about Dalana, my long lost best FEMALE friend. We became best friends in Mrs. Corgan's Kindergarten class, and remained that way until tenth grade :'-( We use to always tell people, we were real friends because our friendship had lasted many obstacles... Her five moves (from as close as Euclid to as far as Texas), my crazy moods, fist fights- no matter what, I thought THAT was going to be my nigga. Somewhere in the mix I wrote her off. I guess it had something to do with her loyalty issues... but I'll get back to that.
Last week my mother was telling me how she always knew in her heart, if Yahweh willed for some thing to be a certain way, their was no thing she could do to deter that, i.e. if he wants one to have a job they will have a job. But she also mentioned that standing on the point that his will- will always be done, is no reason to refrain from submitting job applications. For years she has alienated her parents yet was still convinced that she has forgiven them. She told me that she felt if Yahweh wanted her to let them back in her life- it would be done, but she woke up last week- and after all of this time she realized that she was that person waiting on a job in vain instead of going out and applying. So, she decided as step forward- to take the baby's most recent sonograms over to them on Saturday and as soon as she did it, she knew that she had made THE step that Yaweh was waiting on her to take.
I said all of that to say this, I thought that when I cut Dalana off because of her disloyalty, if she was meant to be in my life, one day she would be back. I am realizing that maybe I was wrong. I have sheltered myself so much, that when people travel outside of my comfort zone or betray me one time, I cut them out of my life completely with no regard to longevity. I just won't let the same person hurt me twice and in most cases I don't regret it, but in this case I am starting to. I guess I am seeing the errors in my way because more recently I have been for the lack of a better word [disloyal] to a person and I think the damage I caused is irreversible. I don't know what would have been different if she and I had remained friends, I really don't even know what's been going on with her in the last six years. I do know she went to Toledo, Erin saw her my sophomore year at her boyfriends house in Shaker, my mom saw her working at Walmart a couple of years ago, and Derrick told me she had a baby a little over a year ago. It's amazing that you think someone will always be in your life, then they're gone- that quick.
I guess I just need to realize that everyone can not be like me and everyone does not have what I have. Some people just can't be loyal- EVER. People hate, people have trials that I could never imagine surviving... and all the while they keep it inside. I hope one day that I can be more forgiving. But as of now I have friends in three categories; the ones I never fall out with(Amal), the ones I have fallen out with but have also forgiven(Jamel), and the ones who I cut off forever(Dalana). No matter the rumors of all the girls I have beef with, guys on campus who HATE me, etc. in my lifetime I have only been the one let go once- and it hurts like hell. Matter of fact it's been five years and it hurts more now than it did then. I wonder- what role the people I cross paths with everyday will play tomorrow. Will you be my best friend, someone I fall out with... you just never know!
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Just Another Girl
I remember when I was younger- I thought I was different.
Dedicated years trying to be unique- put my feelings in it.
But no matter my dedication- things remained the same in the world.
In my head I was something special- in reality I am just another girl.
I never got to experience real love because the boys never liked me.
And I always found friends in females that were unlikely.
Cause they were either the troubled typed- who brought me down with their failure.
Or had to move away and transfer before I could tell her...(She was my best friend [Dalana])
I'm just another girl no special features or talents.
I'm just another girl- all Jazz no ballads...
;Cause my life never has a steady beat- it is always chaotic.
When things are all well something seems to stop it.
In elementary I was a tomboy I always tried to compete.
Somehow I always lost and took to heart all my defeats.
& by Jr. High- I had no friends & Ja was the apple of my eye.
Guess I was not popular enough to even give me a hi.
Wow high school was crazy because things progressively got better.
Determined to make a difference in my life, Sr. year would last forever.
Not because of loving memories or things turning around.
But b/c I was just another girl letting myself down.
I didn't have pretty skin, my hair wasn't exceptionally long.
I never had the best gear- my body wasn't fit for thongs (back then, lol).
I was just another girl, I shoulda came to OSU & made it different.
But when my conscience told me I am just another girl, I never did listen.
& now it's 2005 and things are just @ a repetition.
& I acknowledge I am just another girl as my decision.
No more pretending, let the chips fall where they may.
I am no longer putting on a phony facade- no more roles to play.
B/c when I am myself it doesn't work out- neither does it when I'm not.
So hard to keep it going- when things are what you wish they were not.
Cause @ the end of the night when I wash my face, there stands- all that I can deliver.
In my heart, my mind, my soul- I know, I am just another girl standing in the mirror.
Some poem I wrote back a little over a year ago... I still like it, so I thought I would share.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Prophetic 1
Sometimes I feel like I am either psychic or a modern day prophet. Every time- every situation, I call it before it even happens. In one of yesterday's entries, I mentioned that when I "fall out" with an individual- it is never on my own, it is never because of something I did, never because of something I've said... it ALWAYS is a result of a third party chiming in and throwing their own two cents in. Some random hater that I probably don't even know their name- to their face has to have to audacity to speak about me!
It is funny that people convince themselves that they know something about me. Check the name of this blog You THINK You Know, But You Have No Idea! I didn't name my blog that for irony- I was being truthful. And don't think for a moment that this blog can help you study up on me because it won't. All this shit is- is a venting tool I have that also aids in keeping people who ALREADY know me abreast to what's going on in my life. In no way shape or form can some outside individual who doesn't already know me read this and think they know who I am, how I feel or what I am talking about. JUST BECAUSE WE'VE KICKED IT A COUPLE TIMES DOES NOT MEAN YOU KNOW ME!
I am spent. I am done with the childish games- I left that shit back at Shaw High School dawg. If you heard something about me- let ME know. Come at me real... and don't be scared to reveal who told you what! I am not confrontational, but you better believe I have a hot ass temper! It is nothing out there that pisses me off more than someone coming at me with rumors, then saying- I can't tell you who told me! If that's the case... why bring it up? The kind of woman I am- I will double your worth! You give me six inches I'll give you a foot, but don't expect me to do things on your terms while you are the one whom wants information out of me. Guess what? I could give a fuck about rumors and what people think of me! The people in my life who really count are INTELLIGENT enough not to believe the hype! There is not a naive drop of blood running through my veins homie! Not a one!
These are the facts, I never lie! I speak the truth... I usually know the truth before it even happens. Honestly- I have been fond of countless niggas on campus... but being fond of does not equate to "talking to", being fond of does not equate to "having sex with", being fond of simply means we may have facebooked a few times, dropped a few poems, maybe even went to dinner and a movie- THAT'S it. With some I've done more than others- but if you want to know about Lindsay, ask Lindsay. If you want the real out of Lindsay be real with Lindsay! Don't nickel and dime me! Tell me snippet of what some undisclosed person told you and expect me to spill the beans? Hells no!
I can't wait for one of these campus niggas to prove me wrong, make my prophecy a lie! But the facts are what they are, all these campus dudes are the same. All these frat niggas think they are royalty because they paid to get their asses beat for 6 weeks? These athletes wanting us to kiss their asses because all these white bitches do. Man, these hoes don't love ya'll they just trying to get a meal ticket. Keep believing that ya'll are special. Keep believing that shit homie!
A, I know who and what I am. You dumb ass niggas may believe your views of my facade- but I am a down to earth real ass person- who is not your average. I don't let niggas gas me & I don't let haters make me believe I am less than what I am. I am not brainwashed on either side of the board. That's why I said on my away message men ain't shit. This entry should suffice as your answer homie. Satisfied? I ain't on these niggas! Religion, Work, School... I'm just trying to keep my head above water!
It is funny that people convince themselves that they know something about me. Check the name of this blog You THINK You Know, But You Have No Idea! I didn't name my blog that for irony- I was being truthful. And don't think for a moment that this blog can help you study up on me because it won't. All this shit is- is a venting tool I have that also aids in keeping people who ALREADY know me abreast to what's going on in my life. In no way shape or form can some outside individual who doesn't already know me read this and think they know who I am, how I feel or what I am talking about. JUST BECAUSE WE'VE KICKED IT A COUPLE TIMES DOES NOT MEAN YOU KNOW ME!
I am spent. I am done with the childish games- I left that shit back at Shaw High School dawg. If you heard something about me- let ME know. Come at me real... and don't be scared to reveal who told you what! I am not confrontational, but you better believe I have a hot ass temper! It is nothing out there that pisses me off more than someone coming at me with rumors, then saying- I can't tell you who told me! If that's the case... why bring it up? The kind of woman I am- I will double your worth! You give me six inches I'll give you a foot, but don't expect me to do things on your terms while you are the one whom wants information out of me. Guess what? I could give a fuck about rumors and what people think of me! The people in my life who really count are INTELLIGENT enough not to believe the hype! There is not a naive drop of blood running through my veins homie! Not a one!
These are the facts, I never lie! I speak the truth... I usually know the truth before it even happens. Honestly- I have been fond of countless niggas on campus... but being fond of does not equate to "talking to", being fond of does not equate to "having sex with", being fond of simply means we may have facebooked a few times, dropped a few poems, maybe even went to dinner and a movie- THAT'S it. With some I've done more than others- but if you want to know about Lindsay, ask Lindsay. If you want the real out of Lindsay be real with Lindsay! Don't nickel and dime me! Tell me snippet of what some undisclosed person told you and expect me to spill the beans? Hells no!
I can't wait for one of these campus niggas to prove me wrong, make my prophecy a lie! But the facts are what they are, all these campus dudes are the same. All these frat niggas think they are royalty because they paid to get their asses beat for 6 weeks? These athletes wanting us to kiss their asses because all these white bitches do. Man, these hoes don't love ya'll they just trying to get a meal ticket. Keep believing that ya'll are special. Keep believing that shit homie!
A, I know who and what I am. You dumb ass niggas may believe your views of my facade- but I am a down to earth real ass person- who is not your average. I don't let niggas gas me & I don't let haters make me believe I am less than what I am. I am not brainwashed on either side of the board. That's why I said on my away message men ain't shit. This entry should suffice as your answer homie. Satisfied? I ain't on these niggas! Religion, Work, School... I'm just trying to keep my head above water!
Monday, June 26, 2006
Titleless (Is that a word? Guess I'll find out when spell check hits it)
Ok, now this is about to be some random ass rambling, but since I log all the bullshit going on in my life onto this thing, I may as well log something positive...
Erin taught me a new way to stalk (or get information on people of interest as I like to say). So, as I'm doing my thing I started to think about the biggest crush of my life. No, not "Toothless" aka "50" just to clarify for any Shaw High Schoolers reading out there! Anyhow- anyone who slightly knows me- KNOWS "who" I am referring to. I knew he hadn't gotten drafted, so I got to googling him... you know "_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _" NFL. Much to my surprise the Chargers signed him on MAY 1ST!!! Go figure! I know the bible isn't supposed to be applied to OUR lives, & even further I know I am taking this waaaay out of context when saying.... "An evil and adulteress generation seeketh after a sign".... but by GOD I call this a sign!
Someone commented on my entry the other day & told me not to give in, so I'm not. I do know what I want. All I know is, I hope my nigga puts it down! He got signed on his Dad's birthday- WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE MINES ALSO! That is amazing. Two years from now....
Erin taught me a new way to stalk (or get information on people of interest as I like to say). So, as I'm doing my thing I started to think about the biggest crush of my life. No, not "Toothless" aka "50" just to clarify for any Shaw High Schoolers reading out there! Anyhow- anyone who slightly knows me- KNOWS "who" I am referring to. I knew he hadn't gotten drafted, so I got to googling him... you know "_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _" NFL. Much to my surprise the Chargers signed him on MAY 1ST!!! Go figure! I know the bible isn't supposed to be applied to OUR lives, & even further I know I am taking this waaaay out of context when saying.... "An evil and adulteress generation seeketh after a sign".... but by GOD I call this a sign!
Someone commented on my entry the other day & told me not to give in, so I'm not. I do know what I want. All I know is, I hope my nigga puts it down! He got signed on his Dad's birthday- WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE MINES ALSO! That is amazing. Two years from now....
De'ja` Vu...
and no, I am not talking about Beyonce' and Jay! I was just sitting here in deep thought about this situation I was going through around a month ago. I was hollering at (or what I thought was) an old time friend about this dude I was feeling. She then told me that he was "just a charmer" and fucks a lot of different girls. When I inquired about who he was fucking she mentioned a female both she & I were cool with. Well, I was going to leave it at that but I guess my old friend reported back to the girl that I had interest in the "charmer" and that's when the hating began. All of a sudden she was back sweating a nigga she wasn't even cool with (according to him). Well here is the De'ja` vu....
2004, (almost) two years to date I was confiding in a old high school friend (and current Buckeye) how I had been exchanging poems back and forth with a man of interest- fellow Buckeye- Chi Town's own... POETIC TYPE SHIT, lol. She hit me with another one of those hating ass lines, "he is a hoe and tries to talk to every girl on campus!" Of course being the potential Lawyer I've always been asked for some proof and she mentioned a female both she and I were cool with at the time. Next thing I know, after questioning this nigga about her, all of a sudden she is hitting me up bragging about him taking her on a date to the movies. One second he was a scrub, next thing I know she is sweating him super tough. I now see I am in a hell of my own making.
Well the story ends like this... Never rat on your friends and keep your mouth closed. I am no longer cool with either of the bitches in the second story and though it is somewhat sketchy on what's going on with the parties in the first- I know that I would never carry a story one of my homies told me to another girl. Even if I am a mutual friend, even if we are cooler than the other chick- I know how to keep OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS to myself. Secondly, just as I know how to keep my mouth shut about other people's shit, I've learned now how to keep my mouth shut about my own shit.
Bitches talk too much. There has never been a situation where I have fallen out with someone on my own. It is always involving someone else saying something. Someone putting in their own two cents when they don't know shit about shit. I am always cool until some bitch (or nigga) goes back and reports that I like some nigga they like, or I was dancing with a nigga they talking to, or took a picture with they nigga and put it on facebook, or...
"I heard from five different people that you were trying to fuck my man last night! I am calling so that you can confirm or disconfirm(which isn't even the proper negation of confirm dumb ass akron bitch- guess that's what a textile and clothing degrees gets you!) if it is true..."
(EXCERPT from a voicemail some dumb OSU bitch left me... this is the nonsense I have to hear daily from OSU bitches!)
Yea, I liked that Kappa- but he ain't even with the bitch who was hating, so I ain't mad! Yea, I LIKED that Iota- but he ain't gone be with the bitch who is currently hating... he in it for the minute... just like his best friend since 3rd grade told me- "I don't even like _ _ _ _ _! I was just trying to get a few outfits out of her too!" Lmao.
Productivity & progression is the name of the game. I can't let these niggas make a fool of me EVER. Things are not always what they seem. GIRL #1 bragged about being taken out to the movies... when the fact is, she asked him, she picked him up and it was the DOLLAR SHOW, lol. GIRL!!!! #2 is just the jump off between two friends who are trying to get CAKED, lol even harder. Man, never could it be me! I just pray I've learned my lesson and will never have De'ja` Vu again!
2004, (almost) two years to date I was confiding in a old high school friend (and current Buckeye) how I had been exchanging poems back and forth with a man of interest- fellow Buckeye- Chi Town's own... POETIC TYPE SHIT, lol. She hit me with another one of those hating ass lines, "he is a hoe and tries to talk to every girl on campus!" Of course being the potential Lawyer I've always been asked for some proof and she mentioned a female both she and I were cool with at the time. Next thing I know, after questioning this nigga about her, all of a sudden she is hitting me up bragging about him taking her on a date to the movies. One second he was a scrub, next thing I know she is sweating him super tough. I now see I am in a hell of my own making.
Well the story ends like this... Never rat on your friends and keep your mouth closed. I am no longer cool with either of the bitches in the second story and though it is somewhat sketchy on what's going on with the parties in the first- I know that I would never carry a story one of my homies told me to another girl. Even if I am a mutual friend, even if we are cooler than the other chick- I know how to keep OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS to myself. Secondly, just as I know how to keep my mouth shut about other people's shit, I've learned now how to keep my mouth shut about my own shit.
Bitches talk too much. There has never been a situation where I have fallen out with someone on my own. It is always involving someone else saying something. Someone putting in their own two cents when they don't know shit about shit. I am always cool until some bitch (or nigga) goes back and reports that I like some nigga they like, or I was dancing with a nigga they talking to, or took a picture with they nigga and put it on facebook, or...
"I heard from five different people that you were trying to fuck my man last night! I am calling so that you can confirm or disconfirm(which isn't even the proper negation of confirm dumb ass akron bitch- guess that's what a textile and clothing degrees gets you!) if it is true..."
(EXCERPT from a voicemail some dumb OSU bitch left me... this is the nonsense I have to hear daily from OSU bitches!)
Yea, I liked that Kappa- but he ain't even with the bitch who was hating, so I ain't mad! Yea, I LIKED that Iota- but he ain't gone be with the bitch who is currently hating... he in it for the minute... just like his best friend since 3rd grade told me- "I don't even like _ _ _ _ _! I was just trying to get a few outfits out of her too!" Lmao.
Productivity & progression is the name of the game. I can't let these niggas make a fool of me EVER. Things are not always what they seem. GIRL #1 bragged about being taken out to the movies... when the fact is, she asked him, she picked him up and it was the DOLLAR SHOW, lol. GIRL!!!! #2 is just the jump off between two friends who are trying to get CAKED, lol even harder. Man, never could it be me! I just pray I've learned my lesson and will never have De'ja` Vu again!
Saturday, June 24, 2006
I'm Fucking Up My Life Big Time!
Don't know where to start, don't know how to end- those are two things I always know before I begin an entry, but change is natural guess. I am fucking up my relationship with ATL- a perfectly good man, why? because I act like I can't pick up the phone? Man, this last week has been nothing but going to sleep at 9 and missed calls on my cell. I am losing contact with all my close friends and what's sad is this is just the beginning.
Went to Tiff's after work today, me & Bink went on a little walk (since that is apparently one of the new words she has learned and can't stop chanting) before she fell out in a temper tantrum & made people in the neighborhood think I was abducting her.
It made me realize that I can not wait to have kids. Even when she is a horror- I love her sooooo much. I am blessed that up to this point I haven't made the mistake of getting pregnant and having an abortion. I will never say NEVER, but I can not wait to be a mom. I was thinking of something Polaris once said to me about us having children- and at this precise moment it makes me wonder WHY I still associate with his ass. The thing is, ATL is on the opposite side of the board- telling me he would love for me to be the mother of his children one day soon- yet I am somehow blowing him off for a nigga who won't promise me anything? Fuckin up!
I know one thing, I am keeping my options open. It's summer, I am talking to quite a few gentlemen, some I like MORE than the others, some are there JUST to pass the time, some I thought I was certainly done with (Polaris- among others!) but somehow, when I see them at Apple Bees or walking through my dept. at work- I get a chill that let's me know I still have feelings.
I just have to keep reminding myself to keep it moving... men are just "charmers" and though they say many things to gas me up- I know most of it is game. It's easier said than done when guys are making statements like...
"I think you are attractive, cool, fun to be with, and real down to earth... I am feeling you for real."
I could just turn into puddy in the palms of their hands! But I have to remind myself of what's important in my life right now. I often think of this guy I was feeling from freshmen year~ hmmmm I am not even sure if I ever stopped liking him or not. He use to send me to the left, then he finally threw me a bone after fours years. No sooner than that he threw me right on the back burner telling me he was preparing for law school and he had no time for friends. A very determined young man... very determined. I guess men should always be the least of my worries. I should leanr to disregard people, pick up NO new friends.. keep my priorities straight, have that same determination. Religion, Work, School, Men- that's the real order- I have to KEEP reminding myself... before I fuck up my life again.
Like I was telling Tiffany earlier- I let both Maize & Blue and Polaris change me. I don't think I will ever be the Lindsay I once knew and that saddens me. I am already well up this road of being heartless with no regard for anyone. It is at no fault of my own, it just happened through experience. I guess only those who knew me before 2001 know the real me that is hiding inside. I guess those people are the only ones who can tell tales of the woman who once was....
"I will never, no more be the same!" ~ Dr. H. C. Kinley 1931
Went to Tiff's after work today, me & Bink went on a little walk (since that is apparently one of the new words she has learned and can't stop chanting) before she fell out in a temper tantrum & made people in the neighborhood think I was abducting her.
It made me realize that I can not wait to have kids. Even when she is a horror- I love her sooooo much. I am blessed that up to this point I haven't made the mistake of getting pregnant and having an abortion. I will never say NEVER, but I can not wait to be a mom. I was thinking of something Polaris once said to me about us having children- and at this precise moment it makes me wonder WHY I still associate with his ass. The thing is, ATL is on the opposite side of the board- telling me he would love for me to be the mother of his children one day soon- yet I am somehow blowing him off for a nigga who won't promise me anything? Fuckin up!I know one thing, I am keeping my options open. It's summer, I am talking to quite a few gentlemen, some I like MORE than the others, some are there JUST to pass the time, some I thought I was certainly done with (Polaris- among others!) but somehow, when I see them at Apple Bees or walking through my dept. at work- I get a chill that let's me know I still have feelings.
I just have to keep reminding myself to keep it moving... men are just "charmers" and though they say many things to gas me up- I know most of it is game. It's easier said than done when guys are making statements like...
"I think you are attractive, cool, fun to be with, and real down to earth... I am feeling you for real."
I could just turn into puddy in the palms of their hands! But I have to remind myself of what's important in my life right now. I often think of this guy I was feeling from freshmen year~ hmmmm I am not even sure if I ever stopped liking him or not. He use to send me to the left, then he finally threw me a bone after fours years. No sooner than that he threw me right on the back burner telling me he was preparing for law school and he had no time for friends. A very determined young man... very determined. I guess men should always be the least of my worries. I should leanr to disregard people, pick up NO new friends.. keep my priorities straight, have that same determination. Religion, Work, School, Men- that's the real order- I have to KEEP reminding myself... before I fuck up my life again.
Like I was telling Tiffany earlier- I let both Maize & Blue and Polaris change me. I don't think I will ever be the Lindsay I once knew and that saddens me. I am already well up this road of being heartless with no regard for anyone. It is at no fault of my own, it just happened through experience. I guess only those who knew me before 2001 know the real me that is hiding inside. I guess those people are the only ones who can tell tales of the woman who once was....
"I will never, no more be the same!" ~ Dr. H. C. Kinley 1931
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)