It's funny how people can criticize things one may do to better themselves. Like this blog for instance, it was created for me to fell better about myself. No, I don't need to hit someone below the belt and say things on here that I can't or am too scared to say to their faces, because the truth is- there in no coward in me. I also am not going to edit or cut short [stories] because someone may think, "I'm writing a book". This is for me... if you take offense DON'T READ! Last time I checked, no one was holding a gun to your head.
Today, I was chilling with my boys Amal & Jamel at there job and it made me realize that I'm not so bad, things just happen for a reason- both friendships and fall outs. Amal and I have been friends for fours years and we have never had a spat- maybe it's a TAURUS thing! Then- where Jamel and I are concerned- he has been my acquaintance since my first week of school at OSU. We have had our ups and downs... highs and VERY LOWS, some would say we have a love/hate relationship (Teana), but we have somehow remained cool. I believe that no matter what you do, if someone is supposed to be in your life, they will be. My friendships with Amal and Jamel are complete opposites, with Amal- we always see eye to eye, with Jamel... well, everyone knows "THAT" history, but the relating factor is we're cool just the same.
All of this got me to thinking about Dalana, my long lost best FEMALE friend. We became best friends in Mrs. Corgan's Kindergarten class, and remained that way until tenth grade :'-( We use to always tell people, we were real friends because our friendship had lasted many obstacles... Her five moves (from as close as Euclid to as far as Texas), my crazy moods, fist fights- no matter what, I thought THAT was going to be my nigga. Somewhere in the mix I wrote her off. I guess it had something to do with her loyalty issues... but I'll get back to that.
Last week my mother was telling me how she always knew in her heart, if Yahweh willed for some thing to be a certain way, their was no thing she could do to deter that, i.e. if he wants one to have a job they will have a job. But she also mentioned that standing on the point that his will- will always be done, is no reason to refrain from submitting job applications. For years she has alienated her parents yet was still convinced that she has forgiven them. She told me that she felt if Yahweh wanted her to let them back in her life- it would be done, but she woke up last week- and after all of this time she realized that she was that person waiting on a job in vain instead of going out and applying. So, she decided as step forward- to take the baby's most recent sonograms over to them on Saturday and as soon as she did it, she knew that she had made THE step that Yaweh was waiting on her to take.
I said all of that to say this, I thought that when I cut Dalana off because of her disloyalty, if she was meant to be in my life, one day she would be back. I am realizing that maybe I was wrong. I have sheltered myself so much, that when people travel outside of my comfort zone or betray me one time, I cut them out of my life completely with no regard to longevity. I just won't let the same person hurt me twice and in most cases I don't regret it, but in this case I am starting to. I guess I am seeing the errors in my way because more recently I have been for the lack of a better word [disloyal] to a person and I think the damage I caused is irreversible. I don't know what would have been different if she and I had remained friends, I really don't even know what's been going on with her in the last six years. I do know she went to Toledo, Erin saw her my sophomore year at her boyfriends house in Shaker, my mom saw her working at Walmart a couple of years ago, and Derrick told me she had a baby a little over a year ago. It's amazing that you think someone will always be in your life, then they're gone- that quick.
I guess I just need to realize that everyone can not be like me and everyone does not have what I have. Some people just can't be loyal- EVER. People hate, people have trials that I could never imagine surviving... and all the while they keep it inside. I hope one day that I can be more forgiving. But as of now I have friends in three categories; the ones I never fall out with(Amal), the ones I have fallen out with but have also forgiven(Jamel), and the ones who I cut off forever(Dalana). No matter the rumors of all the girls I have beef with, guys on campus who HATE me, etc. in my lifetime I have only been the one let go once- and it hurts like hell. Matter of fact it's been five years and it hurts more now than it did then. I wonder- what role the people I cross paths with everyday will play tomorrow. Will you be my best friend, someone I fall out with... you just never know!
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