I'm Fucking Up My Life Big Time!

Don't know where to start, don't know how to end- those are two things I always know before I begin an entry, but change is natural guess. I am fucking up my relationship with ATL- a perfectly good man, why? because I act like I can't pick up the phone? Man, this last week has been nothing but going to sleep at 9 and missed calls on my cell. I am losing contact with all my close friends and what's sad is this is just the beginning.

Went to Tiff's after work today, me & Bink went on a little walk (since that is apparently one of the new words she has learned and can't stop chanting) before she fell out in a temper tantrum & made people in the neighborhood think I was abducting her.
It made me realize that I can not wait to have kids. Even when she is a horror- I love her sooooo much. I am blessed that up to this point I haven't made the mistake of getting pregnant and having an abortion. I will never say NEVER, but I can not wait to be a mom. I was thinking of something Polaris once said to me about us having children- and at this precise moment it makes me wonder WHY I still associate with his ass. The thing is, ATL is on the opposite side of the board- telling me he would love for me to be the mother of his children one day soon- yet I am somehow blowing him off for a nigga who won't promise me anything? Fuckin up!

I know one thing, I am keeping my options open. It's summer, I am talking to quite a few gentlemen, some I like MORE than the others, some are there JUST to pass the time, some I thought I was certainly done with (Polaris- among others!) but somehow, when I see them at Apple Bees or walking through my dept. at work- I get a chill that let's me know I still have feelings.

I just have to keep reminding myself to keep it moving... men are just "charmers" and though they say many things to gas me up- I know most of it is game. It's easier said than done when guys are making statements like...


"I think you are attractive, cool, fun to be with, and real down to earth... I am feeling you for real."

I could just turn into puddy in the palms of their hands! But I have to remind myself of what's important in my life right now. I often think of this guy I was feeling from freshmen year~ hmmmm I am not even sure if I ever stopped liking him or not. He use to send me to the left, then he finally threw me a bone after fours years. No sooner than that he threw me right on the back burner telling me he was preparing for law school and he had no time for friends. A very determined young man... very determined. I guess men should always be the least of my worries. I should leanr to disregard people, pick up NO new friends.. keep my priorities straight, have that same determination. Religion, Work, School, Men- that's the real order- I have to KEEP reminding myself... before I fuck up my life again.




Like I was telling Tiffany earlier- I let both Maize & Blue and Polaris change me. I don't think I will ever be the Lindsay I once knew and that saddens me. I am already well up this road of being heartless with no regard for anyone. It is at no fault of my own, it just happened through experience. I guess only those who knew me before 2001 know the real me that is hiding inside. I guess those people are the only ones who can tell tales of the woman who once was....

"I will never, no more be the same!" ~ Dr. H. C. Kinley 1931