ALIas

People have aliases for many different reasons. The most obvious reason being that they're trying to hide something. I'm sad to say that I am just now realizing that the person I thought I knew, the person I feel I am falling in love with is hiding who he really is from me. I am not sure why he is doing and I am not sure why I even care anymore, but I can't help it. I can't help the calling. I can't help the intent of me driving to Cleveland. I am finding myself doing all this dumb shit and I have no justification because it seems these feelings are one sided. Hopefully he will shape up or I will fall off. I can't do this anymore.

Fools Rush In- Another Poem I Wrote

I like to think that I'm a smart girl- but, not exactly vain
Yet, I find myself doing a lot of silly things that I justify in Love's name
And I listen to John Legend everyday so I understand, "Love Me Quickly"
I guess that's why I text, "I miss you!" so much, in the hopes that you miss me
But how could you miss something you don't care about? I know, it's the sad truth
And how can I claim to love something when I don't have any proof?...
I can't plead my case, yet I'm still guilty until all is proven
And we're way pass, "Hi!" so my chances are already ruined
Somehow there are still these equations I wish you would solve
What do I have to do to make you want to get involved?
What words do I have to spit to make you want to call?
What I got to do to get in your heart is what I need to know, above all?
I don't know where it is you're going, all I know is that I want to follow
Everybody has a yesterday, but not everyone has a tomorrow
I guess that's why I have a sense of urgency- always on my toes
There could be better men- but I don't want to know
And even if I did, they wouldn't even matter
You're all I see, you're the one I'd rather...
be with. But feelings aren't mutual and it's so depressing
Still I don't want to give up and let it go- I ain't tryna turn this into a lesson
Tryna turn it into forever- you're thinking more like never- compromise for right now
I pray you could be the one to "stand still" with me for a while
I can't force you to love BUT I can hate to think of us as just friends
Guess I'm not so smart after all, because fools rush in

Alias 11-11-08

A New Poem Of Mines I'm FEELINGS!

The most dangerous thing on Earth you could do is wear your heart on your sleeve
It's like handing out loyalty in a room full of thieves
Or bringing your luxury car to the ghetto and leaving the keys... in the ignition
Once you've given your heart away, it comes back in terrible condition
People don't care anymore, so it's hard to convince them you're sincere
And it's hard to take any words spoken to you and hold them dear
So if you are that last good lover you become a hypocrite
And expect someone to put up with you when you're not willing to put up with their shit?
Getting no where fast someone throws in the towel
Unwilling to sacrifice the time it takes to learn someone, no one stays for a while
And we don't even consider the time that we've already invested
Nothing is worthy without challenge- yet we leave the first sign of being tested
If at anytime that person made an impression, there presence will always stand
It might creep out of your heart in the middle of an argument with another man
Because love is like a computer; there is always a hard drive recording
And the things you put in the trash can... pops up in the "mourning"
You can't just throw love away if it meant something to at least one of the parties
Closure will never be conceivable- it's not a gift of parting
So if you're not ready to endure pain- never accept the pleasure
Because the bad times will have you bitterly remembering the good times forever
Take care of yourself on every level that could ever matter
The future is determined by what is done now and all that counts is the latter
If you wanna play buy a video game, if you wanna pretend be an actor
But to play with someone Else's heart, then to pretend that they aren't a factor?
DANGEROUS game to play... yet and still it is not the most dangerous thing on Earth
The most dangerous thing to do is give your heart away to them first.

Written 11-11-08

Darn I've Been Gone For A While

So Lindsay's Lil' Lady (my computer) has Tourettes! I guess that partially the reason I've stayed away so long. The other factor to blame is stress! I've never been so stressed in my adult life. I mean, my hair has been falling out, skipping periods... just the weirdest shit ever. But, things are on their way back up.... I hope. Well, I am in this damn computer lab and I have to pee SOOOOOO bad, so this will have to be a little short, but I am am going to add a couple of poems I wrote...

Sitting Here Thinking

Ice VIP 8-31-08

I have absolutely nothing to do. I guess that means that I should be writing, but I have no inspiration. School has been out for two weeks and I have a little over 3 weeks before autumn quarter starts, but I've been super idle. Well, I have picked up a few books. Just last week I read "Leslie," "Sweet St. Louis," (which made me think of Bradley) and "The Last Street Novel." But I am still super bored (no offense to Mr. Tyree).

Upside down at Ice 8-31-08

I went out a couple of time this last weekend. The first night was a bust, but the second night was eventful. I have been pursuing this guy I've seen out over the last year or so. I always thought he was nice looks and he seems to be my type, but I never thought to ask him out. Anyhow, Sala and I went to Bon Vie a few weeks ago and after we finished eating, we did a little window shopping around Easton. When we came out of Aldo, I saw him. I immediately told her to peep him and he smiled at us as we walked past one another. Sala then told me that I should ask for his number if we ran into him again while in the mall- which of course we did... but I punked. From that night I decided that I wasn't going to go out until First Fridays this coming weekend because I knew he was going to be there. I didn't stick to my word because there were a ton of White Parties going on for Labor Day and you know how I feel about wearing white. I went to Cove Saturday (though Sala and I never made it in) and Ice & Cove... I mean ICON on Saturday. Sunday night went pretty good because AJ let Allaina and I skip the line at Ice but once we got inside we were damn near the only ones there. We asked if we could come back and went to Icon. When we got to Icon my Samuel happened to be sitting outside and he let us in for free. We stayed there shortly and went back to Ice.

In my apt. 8-30-08

I saw quite a few Delphi-ites at Ice. Darry (whom I actually spoke to AND hugged, lol), along with Trent, Daniel and EVEN Quanus. Allaina and I sneaked into the CLOSED front VIP section so that we could take some pretty pics. After an hour of sheer boredom we went decided to hit Icon again. This time it wasn't so easy getting back in b/c Sam left and Wali was no where to be found... but the ever so friendly bouncers let us back in after we chatter for 5 minutes or so. As soon as I walked in I saw him.

Allaina & I Ice VIP 8-31-08

After shenaniganning around for about 30 mins I finally mustered up the guts to approach him. I introduced myself and was about 2 questions in (his name is Shawn and he is 30) when I realized he had a slight accent, so I asked where he is from. He immediately put up his fist and said, "The mother land..." but I think he then read the disgust on my face. I know it is really wrong and racist, but anyone who knows me well know I don't fuck with the Africans. I was so fricking disappointed. Weeks of swooning over this guys went down the drain in vain in 30 seconds flat. I did get his number just for shits and giggles (as Reese would say), but I am not sure what I am going to do.

Mister Nice Guy & I walking outside of Icon

Last night I finally talked to Sala last night and told her how I FINALLY saw her... but then I had to break the news to her. When I said, he is African the pitch of her laughter almost deafened me! We both share the same views on African men (after crazy experiences), but she told me I should give it a chance.

Under the pic I painted

So, now that I am sitting in my apartment alone I am starting to think, why am I passing up (what could be) a good man because of where his mother birthed him? So... maybe I will give it a try and call him a little later... you never know.

Healing

I talked to Erin after class on Wednesday. I told her that I thought I would feel better after Mook's funeral, but I feel worse. She told me to take it easy and explained that I probably just need some time to heal. It's funny that one can get burned, cut, or injured physically and recognize that it will take time to get better But then when confronted with spiritual ailments it is so easy to forget that healing applies there as well. Emotional bruises run deep, so it is only natural that I am still hurting.

These last couple of years has taught we so much about life. The things we do while we are here will determine the things we are privileged to when we leave this Earth. There is no physical thing that is worth the loss of a soul. I am trying real hard to let go of the negativity in my past. If someone hurt me, it was Yahweh putting them up to it, so instead of bitching about what they had no control of, I am starting to search for a meaning in my pain. What is it that Yahweh wants me to see?

I was talking to an old friend from high school the other night and out of the blue he tells me that Charger It To The Game to him to tell me, "hi." That shocked me. It is as if he is taunting me. When I write him an e-mail, he doesn't reply. When I requested him on Facebook and Myspace he didn't acknowledge me. Once he finds that I am still keeping in tough with a friend that he is keeping in touch with also, he decides to play telephone and send me a message? I am not sure what was behind that, but I am starting to realize that maybe he was never my friend. Those 14 years that I fought so hard over for the last 7 years were not what I thought they were. He, so easily walked away from a friendship with a person who held him in the highest esteem... that simply means he didn't need our friendship. I needed his. It feels so good to use past tense. Nothing is forever, no matter how hard I try to convince myself. It hurt me so much when he walked out of my life but I can finally say, I am healing. I won't lie and say that he is completely out of my system, but I do realize that maybe all of which I thought I knew about him is a lie. Admitting that there is a problem is the first step.

Whatever I have to sacrifice to have self worth... I am welling to let it go. They say, "Go hard or go home." Well, I go hard and I love harder. Nothing else matters in my life right now aside from the ones I love and the ones who really love me.

Scared...

Mook's death is making me so uneasy. A week ago, at this very moment he was still alive. I don't think I'll ever forget the phone call I received last Tuesday @ 10:30 pm telling me that he died. I didn't sleep that night. I didn't sleep last night either. I don't know if it's because his death is so heavy on my heart or because it was the day of the funeral. Mook didn't even look like himself, he really looked DEAD- which seems like a dumb statement, but that funeral home did not do a good job on his body. It was the saddest funeral I've ever been to and I can't help but cry right now thinking about the testimony of the young boy. I remember last summer Mook telling me that he fathers a lot of children. Of course he has Malaya, but he told me how he provides for so many young brothers around his neighborhood who have never met their real fathers. When that boy got up yesterday, all he could say is, "Man, that's my dad. I mean I got a dad. My dad was in jail most of my life and that's my father but, Mook was my dad. He was a dad to us. He did everything for us and I will never have that again. Man, that's my dad!" Hearing that just broke my heart.
Anyhow, every 15 minutes I am thinking about Mook and some memory of him. I remember when he first came to Versamount's line last summer. He came around the time Jimeka was hating on me and I fell out with her and Darry. After that, Miss Val and Angel started acting funny and when Angel left our line and Mook came, Miss Val asked to switch places on the line so that she didn't have to work next to me... and at the time I was pissed, but if she hadn't have done that, I would have never gotten the chance to know Mook. I remember the first real conversation we had. Everyone was wondering about the scare on his hairline, but no one (except me) was bold enough to ask him. He then told me that he'd been shot in the head and he went on to tell me the whole crazy story. That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
I remember Mook's first week he wore nothing but Dickies, so behind his back I gave him the nicknames "Yay E Yay, " and "West Siiiiide!" Sala, Baron and I would clown his Dickies on the low. It wasn't until the day he was laid off after we'd all exchanged hugs and numbers that he walked off and screamed back at us, "West Siiiide!" We hadn't realized but, the whole time he knew we were talking about him. We all look at each other and busted out in laughter.
I remember talking about Chipotle; what we take on our burritos and how frequently we ate there. Mook told Sala and I about one time when he ate two burritos in one day (which I can not fathom because I can barely eat one burrito without feeling the urge to vomit). I remember Mook and Baron teaming up on me all the time, and one time in particular they argued to the death that Beyonce was not the leading lady in Case's video for Happily Ever After. I bet the both of them... I youtubed the video that same night and recorded it on my camera phone. I will never forget the look on Mook's face when he lost the bet and had to buy me BW3 for lunch... and Baron bought me Grinders the next day, lol.

I keep thinking about him asking for advice about the situation with his jump off being pregnant. He told me about how the jump off enrolled her son in the same daycare Malaya is in and that's how his wifey found out about the pregnancy. And unlike most men I know, he made the comment that he still had love for the girl and that he is really close with her 3 years old son. He even said, "I mean, I seriously doubt the baby is mine, but I will give her money to take care of it regardless." That showed how much of a stand up guy he was. He also confessed that is was stupid of him to cheat on his girl and that he loved her and had plans to marry her soon. I keep thinking about how he was supposed to come over for dinner once we found out we shared a love for Margarita Pizza. I also remember his second day when he didn't being his lunch and I shared the chili Erin made with him. I remember him telling me about his old school and other cars, the way he"stepped out" when he rarely hit the club.

Mook's funeral really was crazy. I have never seen so many grown men crying... many of which I know (it's a small world). Me and Sala were so confused when the funeral procession drove WAY from the far east side to Brittany Hills neighborhood. That was some straight Notorious BIG stuff how they drove the hearse through Mook's hood one more time. I have never seen that done before.

Mook,

You were my wing man on the line. You were SO silly, you kept it real on a level that I have never before or since seen a Columbus nigga do. You were a wonderful father to your daughter and even bigger Dad to countless fatherless children in CO. You were a very sweet guy that did not deserve the hand he was dealt and I will never forget you. You are more than my friend, you are my brother... you are my angel. I will never forget the last time I saw you (at Ice) and I will never forget the first time I saw you (at Delphi). It was a pleasure having met your acquaintance, I love you homie.

Rest In Peace Jesse "MOOK" Lanier July 8, 1977 ~ August 19, 2008

Sick

I met Mook a year ago and I never thought I would be saying goodbye so soon. My Mook-a-licious is gone, and I'm not doing well. Today was his funeral and I thought I would feel better afterward but I feel worse. He was such a good man. I can't really concentrate right now, so I will write something more a little later.

Masochism

I e-mailed him on Myspace. I couldn't help it even though it was two weeks after the fact. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself... dragging my heart through the mud- it's been seven years.

It took him a couple days to read my message and a couple more to reply, but he did reply... out of politeness. I have to give him that much credit, he never gave me the courtesy of knowing why he ended our friendship, but over the years he has been very forth giving with the "Thanks yous." Unfortunately, there are not enough thank- yous in the world that will ever amount to what his friendship meant to me. I've been going over and over what I could have possibly done wrong and I can't figure it out. He was my air. A person who wishes to live... there is nothing they won't do to inhale.

Charge It To The Game is the reason for Maize & Blue. He is the reason for 5th Ave, Polaris, Boston, Big Time, Aby, and Alias. He is not money but he is the root of all evil... to all the things and men that have gone wrong in my life over the past 7 years. It's hard to admit, but Charge It To The Game is the reason for 1550, 50, and Cope as well. He is the first to all my seconds.

I will NEVER love another human being the way I love Charge It To The Game. There is a certain portion of my heart that will always be reserved for him... that will always beat for him... correction... that DID beat for him. When he walked out of my life, a part of me died. They say, "You don't know a good thing 'til it's gone," but that's a lie. I knew all along. I have always known his worth... ALWAYS!

Anyhow, I am sitting here @ 1 am writing in this bullshit blog about a man who doesn't care about me at all. Ironic and funnily, he still means the world to me. I know the outcome of every e-mail, every friend request... every everything, yet- I keep trying. Why? I am crazy I guess. Self infliction is the worse pain.

The Takeover

As I did a bit of deep thinking yesterday afternoon, I realized that I do not have control over my life. I am always wondering what my mother would say if she found out I did this, or what kind of car should I buy so that my father will approve. It's a bit exhausting. I am an adult and I finally need to move forward in the direction I want to take me life.

As of late I have also been thinking about the men in my life both past and present... and more than anyone I am thinking of the men who would never give me a chance. Right now, I want to do whatever I have to do to make sure that they look back in regret.

I let Alias go. I am starting to think the whole relationship with him was a waste of my time. It's funny how blind one can be when they are in the midst of something. You don't recognize when someone is playing you for a fool. Being naive is the worse state to be in... or maybe it's a close second to denial. Here lately it seems like I have been going through both. Leading MYSELF on! But I promise, I will never do this to myself again. I'd rather be alone than to go through heart break again. It's imperative for my to focus right now anyhow.

Kicking bad habit it ALL I'm about right now. Bad eating habits and bad habits when it comes to men. I never date men who are out of my league, I date men who are attainable. I need to find someone is so big, so great that he could takeover the world, or at least take over my heart and make me believe again after all the bullshit I've been through...

Conscious

As I sit here on a lonely Friday night drinking Chocolate Martini #3, I wonder why I am not tipsy yet? I am so conscious of my surroundings. I just had one of the most stimulating conversations of my life with friend and great intellectual Wali. He, as am I, is poet and aspiring writer. We spoke a lot about consistency where writing is concerned and I realized that I haven't written in this blog in nearly a month- so here it goes.

Not much had been going on, just school and the inevitable job search I knew was coming. Unemployment has yet to file an extension on my funds and Delphi's TRA program denied me, so I am left to... WORK! I have an interview with Citi Card on Tuesday night, which might turn out to be for the best. No one likes a sitting duck, so maybe getting a job is the best thing for me to do at this point.

The occurrences of this week passed is making me realize that everything happens for a reason. Nothing is left to chance. Yahweh has a predetermined plan that is playing our right in front of our eyes- whether we acknowledge it or not! Lisa played me out on Friday- for the millionth and last time! I finally realize that dirty individuals have no place in my life. We were supposed to go to Donte Whitner's birthday bash in Cleveland, which I had to pull strings to get us into, then the bitch cancels on my like she always does. It's not even the fact that she cancelled on me, but it's the fact that she made up a bogus lie about having a flat tire. Be a woman, it's not that hard! Faking your whole like is not healthy! Lisa is a cool person, don't get me wrong, but I am starting to realize that I can not expect a person to have respect for me when they don't even have respect for them self. Honestly, I don't have respect for her at all, so how could I possibly be so self absorbed to think she would give me the courtesy? She is a 24 year old girl. She is a mother by default and stays with a niggas who blatantly disrespects her and cares nothing about her. She claims to have so much love for her son, yet, every chance she gets she is at the club?!?! Don't misunderstand, I can't judge her by any means- I just now realize that people will only be what Yahweh made them to be. If a person has never had a real friend, if a person has never experienced real love... how can we ask that of them?

By missing out on Donte's party I ended up going out Friday night to see Sam at the bar. I think that he has feelings for me, but it also seems like he is so stuck on not moving forward that we will never get past the proverbial hi- drink- bye denominator. It kind of sucks because he is a really handsome business minded individual who I think could teach me a lot, and in turn- I know I could show him new things. But, what's meant to be will be.

Another result of me not being in Cleveland on Friday meant that I was in Columbus on Saturday and available to go out on the town. What's funny about my recent hiatus from this Blogger is the fact that I have forgotten many of my blog "code names." Anyhow, I was so thirsty to go out Saturday night, but no one was down. But after Erin left from having dinner at my apartment, I wound down with my bootleg Sex and The City The Movie DVD and Mykl called. He said he could get us in at the Mid Month Mixer, so I promptly hopped in the shower and went to his house. He, Donny and I arrived a little after one, and I had what I will describe as the time of my life. Last Thursday I did a random visit to a White salon and got my hair cut and dyed, and I had on my favorite pair of Betsey Johnson's, so I was good to go. I saw a lot of old familiar faces, one of which I still hold dear to my heart...

Well, I know he has a blog code name which I have since forgotten, so he is therefore going to remain nameless. Since leaving home in 2001 I always have this sense of displacement... For instance, I will see someone is Cleveland that looks just like someone I know from Columbus or vice versa. Anyhow, I decided to break free from Mykl and Donny and went solo. As I walked through Karma I looked up, and saw his face... that beautiful face. With my new hair cut he obviously did not recognize me, but neither did I him. I initially thought to myself, "he looks just like _ _ _ _ _!" But then I rationalized, "he is in Cleveland," but as I looked closer, it was HIM :-) HIM! So, I approached his table, we hugged, and I decided to keep it moving. Why cry over spilled milk? He never would give me a chance anyway!

Well, after the night was over and the club scene was filing out, again, we ran into one another. We conversed for a hot second, but our conversation was interrupted when he was involved in a little altercation- so the talk ended. He seemed so interested, but I think it was the Goose. Why are men so forward with their feelings when liquor is factored into the situation? Sheesh, I am on Chocolate Martini #4 and my feelings have never been so lucid. Not just by the fact that I've been snapped back into reality by the sounds of my neighbor getting beat up by her boyfriend, but just in general I am still so conscious about what I feel.

I feel alone. There is never anyone to talk to. I feel elated that I have made it this far in life without a major break down. I feel grateful that Yahweh has kept me in the midst of it all. I am so conscious of my feelings. I feel heartbroken, because once again I prematurely gave my heart to a man, Alias, who does not give a damn about me... just like Charge It To The Game, just like Big Time, just like Aby, just like Polaris, just like... THEM ALL. Fake friends are worse than real enemies. I just want to be happy. No, that is a lie! I want to be happy and be conscious of the fact that I am happy. Sometimes, you feel a way and you aren't aware of it until it's passed. I want to know, I want to know now!

Uncertainty

It's crazy when you're so certain about what feelings you have for a person, but then what they feel is so frickin' vague. This shit is driving me crazy! I am just walking the line on uncertain grounds. But it feels good to have feelings for someone again.

Love Is Crazy

I've never been IN love. I have loved really deeply and at times, too hard, but I can never remember being IN actual love... I kind of think that's what is missing from my life. A real companion; someone who has struck a feeling in me that is foreign... an untapped resource. The state of being IN!

I'm sitting here in my apartment alone. The only phone calls I received today were about business; not ONE personal phone call- not ONE personal text! My day consisted of going to class and leaving the house only once more for food. I'd say my life is becoming tragic. Even so, I could have received a million calls and texts. but if they weren't from the one man I'm thinking of, I would have felt just the same. It's starting to make me wonder if I am indeed IN love?

In previous posts I refrained from giving this man an official code name, but I am pretty sure he is concrete in my life right now, so I will... Alias.

The first time I went to visit Alias, the first thought that came to my mind is I'm never coming to see him again. In the light of day, he looked old and ummmm unattractive. But now, he is so beautiful to me. I really don't see how I couldn't recognize how cute he was before. Even his flaws, they're like- the best part of him. And the rest of his is wonderful as well. His skin. His smile. His walk. They're all amazing. And for all who know me slightly, I HATE KISSING, but his lips changed me. His conversation- he actually talks about himself, he's not all super secretive, I don't have to beat him to uncover information, when I ask, he tells. I am not going to lie and say that he offers up every detail on a platter, but he's never made me feel like I was being a FBI agent.

A week after I met him, he came to visit me down in Columbus. When I asked Romero (a fool I have known damn near my ENTIRE life) to visit, it was like I had to beg, it was like he was doing me a favor, but Alias called ME! He suggested coming to see ME! He came to be with ME! There was nothing else. We saw a movie, we ate and we laid- and the next morning, I didn't want to see him go. And the next night, I didn't want to change my sheets the way I usually do when someone other than me has slept in my bed. Though he was gone, I wanted his scent to stay with me. The week after next I saw him again and I couldn't hold my feelings back, but he hasn't called since!

Love is crazy like that.... when you play ALL your cards right... it reneges.

I've Been Doing Some DEEP Thinking Lately

Most men are crazy, and those that aren't are borderline. There were time when I didn't know what to expect from a man, but now they have become so predictable! I know that they are shitting and there is only a matter of time before they flip out. For me, it's always somewhere around when I deny them sex. Every nigga claims to be different but they are ALL the same, if things don't go their way- they bail. It doesn't matter if they're a number on draft pick in the NBA or balding with a missing eye! Every dude has the same thing on his mind.

As I get older (and wiser- thank Yahweh), I am starting to sift through these same niggas who use to plague me. Now that I know what is going to happen, I can "wait for it!" Now that I have gotten to the point that I am finally immune to all this restless bullshit, men are coming out of the wood work. I use to go out with the sole purpose of meeting someone or running into someone (A.M.), but I got past that. Now, I have just been chilling with my family, a lot. When I am not doing that, I've been hanging around close friends. Now when I am at a concert with my sisters or shooting pool with my Kumar, men want to step up to the plate... and I am so over it!

Anyhow, I am not on any pessimist shit, but I am so done with BULL shit!

It's Been A While

I haven't written in this blog for weeks. Why? A little bit of Writer's Block is a big contribution. Recently I've been hit with surprising information. A former close friend from college had a baby and got married last week. Even though we've only been on "hi" bye" terms for the past two years, it seems so weird that I knew nothing about the pregnancy. I can remember nights spent in the dorms talking about the day when we would have kids and get married; now she has that.

Lately, I am trying to get focused on my career and my life. I want to get rid of a lot of baggage I've picked up in the last 8 yrs. I want to have the same carefree attitude I had back in high school... things were so simple then, and they are JUST as simple now, I just seem to find a way to complicate things.

I don't have a lot to say in this post, I think I have too much on my mind and I need to sort through it up there first. Maybe next time around I'll have something more uplifting to talk about- or atleast more sound.

New Friends, THE 30 Somethings

I have been tying a lot of loose ends lately. Ridding myself of fake friends and even making some new friends (that I hope I won't have to cut off anytime soon). Most of this started 2 weeks ago when Kumar and I went out to a pool hall to shoot the breeze. While Ku was racking up, I ventured off to get us another round of drinks and order of wings. While waiting on an infamous "White Russian" I sparked up conversation with a guy at the bar. That resulted in Kumar and I leaving "Jillian's" and tagging around town after my new friend. He got Kumar into a couple of strip clubs and bought him a lap dance so he could be distracted enough to have me one on one. I must say that ghetto strip clubs on St. Clair are usually not my cup of tea, but good times arose. We actually traded a lot of information, but I decided to call it quits for the night when he attempted to kiss me on the lips :-/ lol. On the way home (I let Kumar drive, against my better judgement) a guy stopped to us in at a red light started blowing me kisses. Seeing that I am a sucker for nice cars, and he was sitting on a nasty Charger, I had to oblige him! He has turned out to be a pretty cool guy.

Needless to say, I felt like I hit the jack pot when I met both of these guys. My friend from Jillian's was in a Lexus and had on pretty nice jewels, so I know he isn't starving. This past weekend when I went back to Cleveland for mother's day, we linked up again. This time he was sitting on an '08 Escalade, which made me smile.... until he put on a porno while I was sitting there talking to him. That was the most disrespectful shit EVER! I didn't trip though, I just kindly got out the truck and walked to my car. He later called me asking why I was upset... I told him that a 35 year old man should know why I was upset & if he needed to ask the question- he obviously can' t handle a woman like me!

After the eventful Friday night I decided to see what my St. Clair cutey was up to. He immediately informed me (via text) that it was his 34th birthday. Then, much to my surprise... he asked me if I wanted to GET A ROOM! lol, men in Cleveland are a better bread than any I know, but -all in the same breath, they are straight forward fools. Again I didn't trip, I just told him I wasn't interested and he apologized. Both of these fool hit me on Saturday, but I was more concerned with LE BRON @ The House of Blues, so I me Saturday night was already booked.

Saturday morning I ended up going to Beachwood to see if I could spend the gift certificate I received for my birthday last week. The mall was packed-ola! I started running into familiar faces left and right. First there was Anthony "Boo" Jones, a boy I was very much "in like" with for the better half of my high school era. Seems that a cute young boy turned into a fine young man. We traded a few pleasantries, but not our info. Ironically today is his 24th, I wish I could have remembered then... I then ran into a man who use to shop in Next when I worked there. Unfortunately he was there with his girl, so I couldn't stalk him the way I wanted to. I'm thinking he is about 36 by now, but he still didn't have a ring on his finger and neither did the girl who accompanied him :-)

After no luck at Arden B, I grabbed a bite and decided to hit Richmond so I could find my mom a gift. As I preceded to leave the parking lot I notice a BEAUTIFUL BENZ with some BEAUTIFUL BLACK MEN tailing me. Of course I automatically remember them from when they were checking me out inside the mall, but I played the role. It is my belief that the really followed me out, because when I went to turned off of Cedar onto Richmond Rd. I promise he made the most awkward change of lanes. Anywho, he caught me at a red light and we exchanged numbers :-) we had a quick phone conversation and that was that. I went to Richmond and found my mommy some flyy earrings.

The House of Blues was the sheezy. Talon and I paid way too much to get in, but my only connect (Steph Floss) showed me no love. I immediately ran into "Shorty Doo Wop" as Talon likes to call him, lol. Then, for the second time in on afternoon I ran into Boo again. He kept giving me the cutest stares all night... he even ran his fingers throw my hair a couple times! Good shit. I saw LeBrizzle James and immediately considered tackling his ass, but used my better judgement. The night was wonderful!

After 3 Long Islands Saturday night, it was a bitch getting up Sunday morning. After I got out of bible school I had a voice message from Mr Benz... who will most likely become a staple on this blog- so a code name is soon to come. Anywho, I went out to his home- which is on "Big Time" level... SIDENOTE, I miss "Big Time" but fuck it, he was dope money Mr Benz is legit. I chilled with him for a few hours, we watched "Happy Feet" and talked. He is 33 and has 3 daughters 2, 4, and 8(not sure how many baby mamas though). I use to feel funny about men with children, but in my recent wisdom I am finding that it's not the kids that mess up the relationship, but the exs. All and all it was a nice visit. He is super down to Earth and seems to have his business together, oh and did I forget to mention that he just might be rolling in the dough. None of that really mattered after he said he would visit me here. It could all be game, but I hate men that act like they can't travel. "Shorty Doo Wop" acted like he was doing me a favor by coming from Cleveland to Columbus to be with me. There is nothing more refreshing than a man who has no limits. It has nothing to do with the money because "Big Time" would much rather send me a plane ticket then come visit me in my own element. 30 something men is apparently my new thing. The first two I met kinda ended up being a bust, but 3 is a charm! I was a countdown Dre 35, Ray 34 no this 33 year old stunner! Lol. Hopefully this is better than my experiences with these 20 something jerks!

Niggas

A negro will always be a negro. They don't change (especially over night). They offer fake apologies and tell you what you want to hear, all the while having no intention to compromise! I am disgusted in a major way. Anywho, ERASED!!! The Mint Chocolate has SOOOOO much memory space in its phone book right now! Re- up time! Fuck these weak ass CLEVELAND niggas!

Arguing

It seems that no one likes to admit they're an arguer. Recently, I had a conversation with my Heights Boy (who will now be referred to as "Pretty Brown Eye"). He basically said that he is not the type to argue with a girl. I kind of had the same discussion with Ugly Mitch last year. Any who, I just don't see how anyone can truly say they care about someone, but won't argue in order to save the relationship. I would never let a man walk away from me if I really cared about him.... at least not without a fight. And to tell the truth, I would never be with a guy who is not worth fighting for!

I guess what I am trying to say is, I want a man who thinks I'm worth fighting for. I want a man who is willing to step outside of his box and compromise. No one wants to waste time arguing. No one wants to fight... well, let me rephrase that. The war in Iraq! It's not that we're in Iraq, it's the fact that we're in Iraq for no reason. If we were in Iraq and we knew what we were fighting for, it wouldn't be an issue. But that's not the case. In a relationship, one you really care about- you don't mind fighting. I hate when men don't care to argue or make their case... but then claim they care. Those are contradictory statements.

Life can sometimes be sickening and men are not as dull as they seem. They try to come off like they're oblivious, but they play us like flutes! They don't apologize, not really. They say things like, "I'm sorry you took what I said this way." or "I'm sorry you were hurt." It's basically like saying, "Your point of view is fucked up, I'm sorry your opinion is leading you to be upset but you need to start seeing the world through my eyes, so then we won't have an issue!" It's so belittling, condescending, infuriating! I don't feed too much into things- I just see them like they are. It's over, I am just looking for someone who is into me as much as I am into them. Nothing else really matters.

CANCELLED

So, yea... you know your girl L.J., always waiting until the last minute to do everything. Procrastination can sometimes be a blessing in disguise. On a good day I leave for my one o'clock class around 12:30, but of course 12:30 came and left, yet I was still finishing up my homework! So I hear my text message alert go off, and of course I ignore it. Jumping up and throwing on some clothes, I head for the door. As I am approaching my car- keys in hand, I decide to check that text. THANK YAHWEH I did, because it was a chick from my class informing me that it's been CANCELLED! YAY! As I briskly walked back into my cribbo, I started to think about some things. Procrastination is generally treated as a negative trait...but what if the things we automatically and sometimes prejudicely assume have negative connotation, aren't so bad after all?

If I had a nickel for every occasion a man turned me down and I looked back in retrospect and gave praise for it, I'd be...Bill Gates! The funny thing is, sometimes we really just don't know what we want in life. We bitch over trivial things, but when the big factors occur in our lives-we don't know how to handle it. Life is so simple, it's just the fact that we're so set on making it difficult and end up wasting so much time complaining, we don't have time to stop and smell the flowers. We need to learn to let things GO! Unanswered phone call? Just say, "Fuck him!" No response to that text? Just say, "Fuck him!" Does he throw up an away message when you i.m. him? Just say, "Fuck him!" CANCEL that person out! Before you know it, he'll be the one calling-texting-iming you. And you'll be... on another broadcast channel, watching another PRIME TIME man, and all the while his show is being CANCELLED!

"Some luck lies in not getting what you want but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see it's what you would have wanted had you known."
~Garrison Keillor

Good Advice

Conversing with Mustang a couple weeks ago made me realize a lot about myself. We've been dating for the past year, the last 6 months of which have been OFF. The conversation took place late night, after I left from celebrating Mykl's birthday at The Black Horse. After having a couple drinks which allowed me to muster up enough courage to hit him up, I stopped by and we chatted for a couple of hours. The good conversation reminded me of how much fun I use to have with him last summer. Sometimes, a good thing is missed as soon as it's gone, but then there are the other occasions when the realization of having missed something or someone all along doesn't creep up until you have them back. It's kind of similar to when a person doesn't realize how heavy their cravings are until they start eating, then after eating half a cow- one might say, "I didn't even realize I was that hungry!" That's how I was feeling while I was chilling with Mustang, but instead of expressing how hungry I was unaware... I said, "I really like you."After a pregnant pause, Mustang gave me an infuriating yet valid response. He asked me, "How could you possibly say you like me when we haven't talked in 6 months?" It would have been nice if he would have left it at that, but over the last two weeks, I just feel like I am in the dog house. It seems that he is trying to convince me to hate him. Sadly, this isn't an unfamiliar territory for me.

Why do men always zero in on the negative aspects of a situation? I once confided in Big Time, only for him to turn around and scold me for complaining! It's very seldom to run into a nigga who can realize, a woman only confides in people she feels she can trust. Her complaints shouldn't be magnified, but her efforts to be vulnerable enough to reveal shit that she normally wouldn't tell a soul should be appreciated. He should rejoice in the fact that she trusts him. Any other time men are complaining about NOT HAVING trust from a woman. But when a woman hands her trust out on a silver platter what does he do?

Then there is another nigga I am cool with who complains about the time I try to spend with him. Since he lives in Cleveland and my parents live in Cleveland he feels as if he shouldn't give me any of his time because I am not visiting Cleveland exclusively for him. He pitched his ridiculous OPINION at me for nearly 30 minutes, but then when he came to visit me in Columbus, with the claim of being here exclusively for me, he ditches me for his friend. COME ON! Can we spell H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E? To believe I dropped my plans on a beautiful Friday night for a nigga who hit me with the LIE that he was going to be in town for ONE NIGHT ONLY! Someone, a man especially, who is going to be in town for one night ONLY, does not pack for three days. The TRUTH is that he only PLANNED to spend one night with me. The TRUTH is that he was going to spend the other two days with his needy friend. The TRUTH is he is not man enough to call a spade a spade! Just keep it real, you want to bitch about me not being exclusive to you, but then you want to try and make me feel bad ALL THE WHILE you are doing the same thing? I may have a baby face, but I was not born yesterday. The anger didn't even hit me until he insulted me by coming back to my apt in the middle of the night when he knew I was drunk! WTF is that? He tried to disguise the whole ordeal with "concern" but on arrival tried to force me to kiss him? He didn't try to force me to talk to him. He didn't try to force comfort on me, he tried to kiss me, lol. COME ON! Niggas kill me! He couldn't appreciate that while I could spend all of my time in Cleveland with my family, I choose to try and get up with him. It took this whole bullshit weekend to confirm what I already knew. Niggas want to have their cake and eat it too. He's just like Big Time!

At the end of the night, I think about Mustang. I think about Big Time. I think about... did I ever give him a code name? Anyhow, I think about "him" too. I really start to ask myself, "Why do I like these guys?" They see right through me and CHOOSE to pick at the negative things. They choose to recognize my vulnerability and dub it NEGATIVITY when they are the ones being negative. These men, that I claim to like see me as a monster, so what should I view them as? I tell you what, I am done begging for acceptance. Last night I started erasing phones numbers and it was so liberating. The advice Mustang gave hurt me at the time, but after I had a moment to consider what he was saying, it all makes sense. How can I say I like him when I haven't talked to him in six month? I can't. Why do I like these niggas who are so unfair to me? I don't. I'm like Torvald in A Doll's House, "I've never loved them. I only thought it amusing to be in love with them." They like it, I LOVE IT! I'm done with arguing. I'm done with pleading my case. I just want a guy who is man enough to appreciate a real woman!

Random

So, I am just sitting here on this Sunday morning washing sheets. I really should be in bible school, but I woke up LATE as ever! I have been doing a lot of thinking as of late. Where is my life headed and who do I want to spend it with? Out of desperation I think that a lot of my decision making toward men is completely fabricated. Do I really have love for these dudes, probably not! So, why am I being so persistent. Why am I trying to make something out of nothing? Why haven't I just moved on?

I was listening to this Jamie Foxx song last night and it made me realize that love should not be forced. I should be easy going. Of course anything worth having has a certain amount of work included, but should so much work be necessary so early? This is the time when thing are supposed to be flowing, I'm young. I will be 25 in two weeks and I am putting so much stress on things that shouldn't hold any importance in my life. Why is that? I think I have gotten to the point that I let other people put a value on my life. I let other people get in my ear and alter what I have always loved about myself; INDEPENDENCE! The funny thing about these people who have so much negative shit to say about me and my life is, they're unhappy with there own lives. A couple of weeks ago I had a friend tell me I have a negative demeanor! Instead of taking it in I should have stopped him in his tracks and said, "No my demeanor is not negative, you're just a JERK!" But, I didn't do that, I let him win that battle. People who judge other people's lives are simply unhappy with their own. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to point out the negative. Take one to know one, remember that saying? When on is happy, all they can focus on is the beauty in things. They don't have time... no let me rephrase that, they don't waste the time to be negative.

I have just been having a lot of RANDOM thoughts. All I am know is I am growing everyday. Others might not approve, but I love the woman I am and I love the woman I am becoming. These niggas are going to look back in regret, but me, I'm going to look forward. I will never stop and say, "damn I really fucked that up," or "why didn't I get with him when I had the chance!." The most I will do is think, "what the fuck was I thinking when I tried to holler at him." Self sufficiency is key.

WITH "FRIENDS" LIKE THESE... Who Needs Enemies?

Here recently I've been going through drama with Charisse as a result of her MALICIOUSLY stealing MY baby name. I tried to approach the situation like an adult, but when on a playground- do as the children do. Its crazy to think that I am damn near 25 and my friends STILL don't have minds of their own. Its all so exhausting! What started out as something that should have been left between Charisse and I, has now been blown completely out of proportion. Now, all these bitches who shouldn't have anything to do with it in the first place are throwing their two cents into the mix. Then, they all want to make the claim, "I'M NOT TAKING SIDE?" BULLSHIT! If there are two friends feuding and one wants to STAY OUT OF IT, they simply refrain from giving an opinion at all. If you find yourself calling one friend and agreeing with her only to turn around and call the opposing friend and agree with everything she has to say ALSO- that is not "staying out of it!" In fact, there is a term for that.... it's called PLAYING BOTH SIDES better known as BEING TWO FACED. I swear the definition people have for "not choosing sides" is ridiculous! Furthermore, peoples' definition of being a friend is even worse!

I can tell you one thing, FRIENDS are over rated. I don't want to have to compete with my friends. I want my friends to be happy for me the way I am always happy for them. I don't want to feel awkward around my girl because her HUSBAND is hitting me. How am I going to explain to her that her man is hitting me up asking what I think our baby would look like, because he is OBVIOUSLY not pleased with the way his two children with her came out looking! I don't want to bite my tongue because my other friend has started a relationship with a guy from my past. If I ever try to tell her, "he is still screwing his ex (also another close friend of mine)," she is going to just say I am hating or call me jealous! I don't want to wonder if my friends are talking about me behind me back the way they talk about one another. I don't want to have to hide my belonging every time one of them comes over in fear that they are going to either steal, mimic, or hate on my possessions. It's all too exhausting!

I am not going to spend too much time worrying about any of this but it's seem everyone is upset because I didn't go to Bar Louie last night? So the fuck what! Last week, these same bitches intentionally went to Bar Louie without me! So now, a week later- they want to pity me and invite me? I'm good. Yea, I went to Bar Louie, I just didn't go with you bitches! It's fine when you guys leave me out, but when the tables turn and I don't go with you guys, it's a problem? That is the most HYPOCRITICAL shit I have ever heard!

Life is too short and too beautiful to spend it with people who don't appreciate who you really are. I am done with the phony friendships. I am done sending texts and making calls to a man who obviously wouldn't know a GOOD WOMAN if she smacked him in the face! I am making a conscious effort to make my life the best it can be. I wrote the majority of my first chapter last night and my mind is solely devoted to this novel right now. Nothing else matters. I know who my real friends are and I have known for over a decade. I know who really loves me- and I shouldn't have to waste time convincing idiots to do the same. I am content with where I am in life and who is in my life as of now! Sometimes its hard to walk away from the people you have loved for so long, but if they never really loved you- what's the point in staying?

Neither Out Far Nor In Deep

The people along the sand
All turn and look one way.
They turn their back on the land.
They look at the sea all day.

As long as it takes to pass
A ship keeps raising its hull;
The wetter ground like glass
Reflects a standing gull.

The land may vary more;
But wherever the truth may be-
The water comes ashore,
And the people look at the sea.

They cannot look out far.
They cannot look in deep.
But when was that ever a bar
To any watch they keep?

~Robert Frost 1934

I am sooooo in love with this poem. I want to immediately go out on a limb and say it's second best to Nikki Giovanni's Nikki Rosa, but I won't go there quite yet. The metaphoric background Frost holds allows me to completely see his angle. Anywho, I think that the poem completely represents the way I see myself, like the sea ;-)

Just Tryna' Make A Dollar Outta' Fifteen Cents

Right now I am on my grind, the way I should have been five years ago. One can't cry over spilled milk, so I am trying to do the things now that will make my life the best in the future. This whole school thing is really dragging me down, but I am not a quitter. I need to get back at OSU asap because unlike I was lead to believe, Columbus State is not cheaper. I am realizing that I need to stop taking the advice of others' and start listening to my own heart!

These last few days I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the past; people who use to be in my life, the things I use to enjoy doing, and the places I use to love going. I am a different person now. The only time I want to go to the club is to run into someone specific, shopping and spending money on frivolous things now makes me feel guilty, and my taste in friends has definitely changed. I use to entertain people, even when I knew they weren't my friends, but now a days I don't even waste my time on friendships. Most of the people I hang around I do love, but more than anything I am counting the seconds until they let me down. I am so use to phoniness and disappointment- that I can not even enjoy my relationship.... it kind of sucks! I guess my rationalization lies in the fact that the people who are really meant to be in my like will somehow sift their way through my bullshit antics. Well, I do not completely think that my antics are all bullshit, seeing that they are based on the fact that so many "friends" have proved themselves to be all but. I don't know, but I do know things will get better.

This trip to Houston will hopefully be a good one. I am just ready to relax and stop thinking about what is going on in Ohio. Worrying about my family is starting to drain me. Stressing about bills and school (with no income coming in) is starting to weigh on me also. I just need some me time; solitude. I hope this guy doesn't try to pressure me into anything, because its not happening and I will just have to blow some more money and be on the first thing smoking to Columbus, but I am somewhat confident that things will be fine. Yahweh planned this trip for some reason. Otherwise someone wouldn't have hit me out of the blue and offered to pay for my trip right in the midst of me having money troubles. I guess Yahweh just knows I need a break from life and I can not wait to take it!

I have made a lot of weird decisions this year. I got that lump sum from Delphi and I don't know where it went... but at the same time I no longer have ANY credit card debt, I put a dent into my student loans, and I got my ass back in school- so all is not lost. I moved into my own apartment, and apt. that I am starting to realize may be to rich for my blood ($246 electric bill?!?!), but I am going to make it work. 2008 is one 1/4 in and already I have so many questions about the choices I've made. Well, whatever happens by 2009 I promise to have no regrets and hopefully I will be in a better position ending this year than what I was beginning it. People judge me everyday, but I have come a long way- I came from nothing, I've made something out of nothing. If these walls could talk...

Disaster

Ok, so I am a firm believer in not planning things and just letting it happen but last night was horrible for me. I am not sure where I went wrong or if it was I that went wrong, but the whole situation was wrong. How can something that seems so good go so bad? It's the friends, the ones who you really care about that always seem let you down. Dazed & Confused...

EMTIONALLY Drained

Life is so complicated and everyday I find a way to make it worse. I am just dissatisfied with some of the decisions I've made in recent months.

It's a hard to task to keep an open heart without taking advice from people. The irony in that task is the fact that listening to unstable friends will fuck you life all the way up! Last year I took the advice of one of my girls about a guy I had been seeing. Consequently he and I fell out over the advice. Months later I am finding out that the information and the advice that was given to me was false and misdirected. Now I am sitting back with my foot in my mouth...

The first step I took to try and mend the bridge I broke was to send the guy a Valentine's Day card. I sent it anonymously. I keep planning to run into him out in the club, but I haven't really been going out lately. So, last night I decided to go to Verizon.com and look through my old phone bills to figure out his number (because I prematurely erased it) and it turns out I am a month too late. The last time I called him was 7 months ago and apparently online bills only go back 6 months. I can not believe it is March already!!! Anyhow, I can't call my buddy A Nutz because we are on the outs, and he is my only connection to him. The fact that this is finals week and I am on the fence with two other men does not make this news any easier. I just don't know what to do.

My life is always full of DRAMA, even when things seem calm. The guys I am into are not into me. The guys that are into me I'm not into. The guys that I seem to be in sync with have some other kind of drama, like a baby or an on again of again. It's always something.

What's The Point?

It really sucks when you're stunted. You know, the feeling you have when you don't have any love interest what so ever. What sucks even more is when you do have someone in mind, but they aren't emotionally available. You try to keep your distance and keep yourself from catching feelings, but it's just so damned hard! It's really no use.

I am feeling really torn as of late because I am feeling a friend of mine. He is cute, motivated and more importantly he is such a sweet person. But just like every other good man I meet, he has a girlfriend. Well, let me rephrase that, he has an on again off again. We clearly like one another- I feel that is quite evident by now, but I don't want to move forward. I am sick of putting MYSELF in the position where as soon as I lay my cards down the nigga ups and decides to walk all over my heart.

In 2008 it is so hard to decipher if a man is being sincere or if he is just running game. One minute he can be inviting you to accompany him in Las Vegas and the next thing you know he is telling you he is involved with someone else and is trying to make it work (Big Time). I don't understand how men can turn their feelings on and off like that. I guess I have a lot to learn.

What to do at this point is beyond me because I am starting to really like this guy. I am going to avoid giving him a code name because everyman I have given a code name to on this blog is no longer in my life. Hopefully, above all things he and I will remain friends. I don't want to muddy things up and make things complicated- but sooner or later the plot is going to deepen... especially because he keeps pushing the issue.

I don't mind being with someone. I don't mind being honest with one another- I actually would prefer it that way (I am a big girl). The only thing I don't understand is why I should compromise my heart and my own feelings when he can up and leave at any moment and go back to the other Bitch? What sense does that make? What's the point?

The FUTURE

So, I have been thinking a lot about my future lately. I am trying to figure out a path to take to make the best out of my situation. I really want to graduate, but shit just seems to be taking so long. I wish I would have come to OSU with a better attitude and I would be a lot farther than I am now!

First and foremost I am debating on if I should get a job. I was going to try and wait til June, but I am starting to find that I am not as disciplined with my cash as I thought I would be. I mean, I know I can survive off of unemployment, but at the same time- I am Lindsay. There is no way in hell I can be satisfied with the bare minimum. I know I want to attend classes next quarter and I definitely do not want to take out any loans, so I am going to have to be very wise about my money.

Any who, Milbrey bought my ticket last night, so I officially have 3 weeks to get my shit together. I plan to lose a quick 15 (I started the Master Cleanse today) and I plan to start working out like crazy (starting tomorrow). I figure if I start out doing 100 crunches a day and work my way up to 300 within a week, I will have my cute little abs back! I am so excited and I plan on NOT buying anything new for the trip. I already have luggage, 2 pairs of jeans I have never worn, along with a crazy amount of shit I have worn 1 time- so I am going to be wise. I plan to give myself a $500 spending limit (not including food & entertainment) for shopping. Enough about that.

My plans are to just get my shit together in the next few weeks. I need to grind out the end of this quarter and looking into registering EARLY at OSU so I can finally take the classes I need and get the hell out of CO. I want to make sure I have a banging body for my 25th birthday which is less than 2 months away!!! And I want to really finish getting this book together. I think it is important that I start doing more things to prepare for the future. The club will always be there. Niggas who don't take me as I am will always be there. Girls who pretend to be my friends who secretly hate me will always be there. Clothes and shoes will ALWAYS be there. And more than anything McDonald's and cookies will always be there. So, I am making a conscious decision to take heed of opportunities that come once in a Blue Moon. Because once thing that will not always be here is time... times not forever.

My Book

I really need to step my game UP! My book was supposed to be done over a year ago, and here it is March of 2008 and I am stuck on the second chapter! I am realizing I definitely need to put some gas on it! Seeing that people are stealing the names that I am going to grace my children with, it is only a matter of time before someone tried to steal the name of my book also- and I'm not having it!

I just need solitude. I think I am going to stop hanging around with my friends so much. I am not really gaining anything from it. They don't call me during the week, I really never know whats going on in any one's life. It just occurred to me that I am being feed by a loooooong spoon! Everything is fine tuned. It seems that everyone is having problems and issues, but no one shares them with me. Not to say that I don't find out about them, because EVERYONE talks behinds each others backs. It just would be nice to get info from the horses mouth for once. I am realizing how phony it is to act like everything is all kosher when your man is treating you like crap, or your man is cheating on you, or you man just doesn't like you at all! The thing about women I don't understand is why can't they keep it real! There is always some lie going on! They can't just be honest in saying they have problems just like everyone else! They have to hold up this facade! Anyhow, I am done with dis functional people.

I have always been a fan of surrounding myself with individuals who I look up to. One's that inspire me, but for the most part the people I hang around now do neither. All of my girls are getting pregnant. A woman who has to trap a man be getting pregnant is relentless. Then, one by one they end up unhappy mothers of illegitimate children, and that's not cool. We end up having nothing in common. Then the men I hang around are mama's boys! They are still living at home with their moms and have no control over their own lives! I mean, that shit gets old. I am looking for adult relationships and what I have now is not cutting it! Why am I wasting time hanging around losers when I could be writing my book- something that is actually going to contribute to my future?

What The Fuck Is Up?

Okay, so maybe I am over reacting, but no I am not! What is up with people stealing my baby names? So, back in Mrs. Urogody Eiler's Street Law course at Shaw High I decided two things. One, that I wanted to someday become an attorney and two that the names of my (future) children. I knew right off the back I was going to name my son Linden Re' for obvious reasons... and I decided I was doing to name my daughter London Paris... London because it is so close to Linden and also because it is one of the four FASHION CAPITALS of the world along with Paris which was also very similar to my then boyfriend's french sounding name. So, of course he was a jerk and named his daughter that he has with another bitch Paris. That really pissed me off, but all of a sudden my pregnant friend is set on naming her daughter London?!?! She claims that she decided on it a while ago? A while ago when? Was it a while ago when I was telling you the story about Pierre being a bastard and naming his daughter Paris when he knows my baby name is London Paris!?!? It's not like Tiffany or Ashley. London is not a popular name that people think of let alone consider naming their kid. MAN UP! Admit that you never thought of that name until you heard me say it and you are a thief!!! God damn, I am so pissed about this mess! People don't have one original bone in their bodies! That's all I have to say!

P.S. Keep it real. I still have birth certificates from Mrs. Urogody's class stating what both of my children's names were. I can prove it. What female doesn't sit back and contemplate on what they're going to name their child years in advance? Come on!

Getting Ready

So, I have a couple trips I want to go on in the near future, one being Houston, TX. I just need to get away from it all and relax. Milbrey says that we are going to the beach when I come, so that means my ass needs to be on some body's diet ASAPly. I talked to Chelle last week and she was telling me she did the master cleanse and lost 16 lbs in 10 days. Sheesh! I remember when I tried it last year I only lasted 4 days. I then had a break down at work when everyone around me was slamming and the only thing I had was lemon water? WTF? lol. Anyhow, I think I am in a better position to do it now, seeing that the only time I leave the house is for bible school and class. I do need to cleanse my body and I def need to lose some damned weight, so I plan to start tomorrow. Maybe I can even save some money! YAY!

This is the time that I need to be getting ready for my future. I am trying to improve my looks (i.e. the haircut & losing weight), buy I am also trying to improve my health and soul. I just need to get a exercise regimen along with some kind of community service act that will soften my heart. Spring is around the corner and I'll be damned if the stories I post in this blog are like the ones of spring's past. When I first started this blog in spring of '06, I was usually cooped up in my bedroom crying on beautiful ass afternoons blogging about how tragic my life was. Then last spring ('07) I was too damned busy and wrapped up in my life to even have the time/ energy to sit down and blog. I probably wrote no more than 5 entries last spring. This spring I want to have the me time to sit down and blog, but I also want to have something nice to blog about... or someone nice rather. Hopefully the things I am doing now to get ready for life will help me to have a great spring and a great future.

Thinking...

Men are my weakness. Everyday I start to think about one of them that I wrote off in my past. Today it's Aby. I miss him. I always find time to miss them all. Maybe it's because I am alone now, so I have nothing better to do than sit around and ponder. I always wonder... "what could have been?" Too many questions gone unanswered. My life has become almost tragic. It's funny how much of my time is spent thinking about that past, but the smartest question I could ask myself is, "do they ever think about me? If they knew this blog existed, would they read it?" But, I wouldn't dare ask myself those questions in fear of what the answers that pop up in my head would be. Sometimes answering a question of yourself is much harder than asking the question.

Anywho, I got to thinking about Aby today and how he is worlds away. Not just physically, Aby is on a whole other level of life than where I am (as most of the incredible men I let pass me by are). He is a kid in many ways, but I sometimes wonder if I would have approached the situation differently, would it have turned out any different? Would I still be shit- faced and alone? Or would I be with a BIGGER BETTER man than my last? Would everybody look at us and wonder, "how the hell did that happen?" I wouldn't care, because no matter what people think or say, I would really care for him. I mean, I do really care for him. I haven't even seen him in over a year and I haven't talked to him in quite a while, but I wonder how I could get a hold of him now a days. It may be impossible. Or it could be just another one of those chances I will never get back.

I am trying to get back to the old me, you know, the me I was before Maize & Blue. I know I am reaching because that was 7 years ago, but I loved who I was. Back the if a man wasn't feeling me... wait a minute- I guess I never was one to take no for an answer, but I made the "no" work for me. If a man rejected me or didn't act the way I wanted him to, I moved on. I became a better woman so that they would look at me and see what they missed out on. These days it seems that I am just falling off more and more. So now, they look back and say, "Damn, I am glad I didn't fuck with her!" lol. With Ja, he ended up calling me my junior year trying to holler after he dogged me from the time we attended Kirk to day he graduated from Shaw. Now that was a fun situation. He made nothing out of his life, had a possible baby one the way (as if one were playing spades) and didn't know where he was headed, but yet expected me to STILL greet him with open arms? It never felt better to say, "nigga please!" It was the same feeling I had in 2001 when Charge It To The Game tried to humiliate me in the senior cafe. But then when I said, "I wouldn't be telling some bitch at Heights I'm going to prom with you because I am going with "Maize & Blue" (for the lack of better words, lol)" that killed him! I guess becoming a better woman and being with a better man always made me feel better, but I just haven't been able to pull that off these last couple of years.

Now, I am thinking about other ways of getting revenge. Scenario #1 Maize & Blue. I recently told Manida about the whole situation and if she were I, would she try to get back with him as revenge to the bitch he is with, you know- the bitch that "stole" him from me (by getting knocked up on purpose). Manida gave me the green light, but after I re-evaluated the situation, I didn't against. It's not worth losing myself over a nigga who is stuck with a bitch who could never and (even if she had the choice) would never love him the way that I did. He has to live with that.

Scenario # 2 revenge for some high school drama. So The Banana Bitch also know as ACID was one of my only friends from Kirk to Shaw. She was THE only person I let know the depth of my feelings for Charge It To The Game. To make the long story short, once he blew up our Senior year, she decided to go behind my back, turn him against me- fuck him, get knocked (though she had an abortion), etc. I.e. the end of our friendship. That who situation really ruined my senior year, it's a pivotal moment that really changed my life and I must admit I still carry some of the resentment with me to this day. To catch one up to speed, The Banana Bitch got knocked by another kid who we went to Shaw with. He has 3 other kids by 3 other chicks. What started out as a casual relationship, turned into the birth of a baby, which in the last couple weeks has now become a relationship. This is where it gets sticky... her new man aka baby daddy has started hitting me up regularly on myspace. We were never friends in real life, now he is showing certain interest. My question is, should I hook him in revenge? I WOULD SO LOVE TO. But, I guess it's not my style. Lucky for The Banana Bitch and her bastard, I don't get down like that. What she did to me, she will NEVER know... but in the end, I am a better woman because of it!

THE American Dream

This is what it's all about. I guess we really don't know what is going on behind closed doors but Black love is happiness. In these latter days I have started to sway my initial feelings. I thought I would never date outside my race, but lately I am just so sick and tired of disappointment. But then, I see a picture like this and my heart melts; my heart is softened. There is nothing like seeing a strong Black man who is being held down by a strong Black woman. I really pray that Barack Obama wins this election and I also pray that my Barack comes along soon!

Esco Bar

I don't know why I've been thinking about him so much lately. For the past year it's been out of sight out of mind. It may have something to do with the fact that Maize & Blue has weazled his way back into my life. I can't call it, but something sure has resurrected my feelings about him. What could have happened? Shit, I may have never had a chance with Esco Bar in the first place but I wish I could truly know. I may not have pretty enough. I may not have been skinny enough. Shoot, I may not have been light skinned enough, who knows? And I guess what I am trying to ask is, will I ever know?

I stayed away from the football scene this year. I can count on one hand how many times I watched a game. I guess it had something to do with the emotional land mines I was afraid of coming across, but now it's off season and my heart is still on the verge of being blown to pieces. I didn't want to think about Maize & Blue, now I am. I didn't want to think about Charge It To The Game, now I am. I didn't want to think about Esco Bar, but here I am. Unavailable men is my weakness.

I really know how to choose them. I seem to fall for the greatest men; the ones that actually make it to the NFL, law students, small business owners, etc. It would be easier if they were all dogs, but that's not real. Some of them are sweet, many of them are accomplished and they all are SO damned good looking. Why can't I score? Maybe it's me. I have made TOO many mistakes and there are some moments I will never get back... moments I will regret for the rest of my life... and the one that is stealing an abundance of my thoughts is MLK weekend of 2006- tricky!?!? I'd say yes! I choose Polaris over him... never again!

All I can say is that I miss seeing his face, that was enough for me.

Never Let Grass Grow Under Your Feet

Men, will tell you what you want to hear & us women let em think that we are buying it/

But each time the one we love tells us another lie, we seem to die a bit.

And at some point we become so damned cold and our feelings are nonexistent.

Then male friends look @ us as "1 of the boys" & talk unedited in front of us because we seem resistant

But the truth is, we still are women, but we are just a different breed.

We stopped judging books by the cover and we take the time to read

Because a pretty man pretty much is full of shit and we already know the deal

Even when he is telling us lie, all we hear coming out of his mouth is the real

No more praying that WE CAN CHANGE him, no more feeling like an ass

because we won't stand there long for there to be any grass

Growing under our feet, we don't waste time, we keep it moving.

No matter how sad we've been we make sure we focus on the goals we're pursuing
Because there was a time when I use to stand still and wish someone would stand still with me
But he ran after his dreams and fulFILLed them while I was left empty-
Handed, but Yahweh granted my wish and gave me a second chance
He took me off the wall and made me get out on the floor and dance
No more setting up shop, no more letting the grass grow
In order to see those snakes wondering round the lawn we gotta keep that grass low
And this is more than me coming home drunk in the middle of the night and attempting to get poetic
This is advice Miss Val gave to me last year from a motherly perspective
If a 46 year old woman who has seen it all gives me a word- though I am half her age- I am wise enough to take heed
2007 was the last year I ever let grass grow under my feet

Insomnia

For some reason, I just can not sleep. I don't know what's missing in my life or what I have too much of, but something is wrong.

I don't have much to say today. Things in life are going along pretty steadily and I don't have any cause for complaints. For some reason, school is hard as ever and I am starting to realize that I shouldn't have taken such a long break. My commitment to school is horrible right now. I don't want to read a thing because I can hardly see and I don't have insurance right now so I can't even get glasses. I just need some motivation.

Cast Down, but Not Destroyed

HUMBLE, sometimes it's hard. I am trying very hard to become a better person. The more I try, the more I realize how fake my life was before. Chasing niggas who would not give me a chance. Hanging around chicks who really didn't have any love for me. Being true to my family because "blood is thicker than water" but somehow in the midst of everything my family did me dirty (Kim & Nikki). I am done with that portion of my life.

I am trying to love hard. I want to be the lover I have always been, the kind that will give all of me. I am not talking about sex. I am talking about being a lover. A lover to my family, a lover to my friends, a lover to myself.

I was down on myself for a long time because I really didn't know who I was. I am thankful that Yahweh has finally brought me to the point where the old me is gone but the new me is better than ever.

I am doing what I have to do now, so that my life will be the best it can be in the future. I just want it to be better for my kids. I don't want my kids to blame me. I don't want my kids to question how much I love them--or if I love them at all. I want my kids to look back and be able to recognize all I did for them, all my sacrifices and all my pain. I don't want them to worship me for it, I don't want them to show me thanks or to think they owe me anything, I just want them to do the same if not better for their kids. I lived a large portion of my life in uncertainty and I am sick of it. I want stability. I want to come home to someone. I want someone to talk to. I have a lot to get off my chest and I mean A LOT!!! I am kind of feeling that if I don't get this shit out of my system- it might destroy me...

Appreciation

I was talking to my Boogie today who is WORLDS away right now. It made me think about how we first met (the circumstances were a little rocky), and how far we have come. I had a lot of opinions about her that I never shared, but today I realized- that she is a real cool person. I guess that is not what I really mean, I more mean- she is a real cool person to have in my life. I am not interested in mending broken friendships or creating new ones. I just want to focus on making the relationships I have with people NOW more real. I can not wait for Mrs. Dials to move back from the states from France because I plan on being a better friends!

I got to talk to a lot of my people today. B. Smith came to visit the new apartment this morning, then Dutch asked me out to eat. We tried to get chicken & waffles @ Linden Cafe' but those mo fos wouldn't let us in, lol. Somewhere in it all Q. showed up too. So instead, we went to Eddie George's, then to Cold Stone and ultimately to Drexel to see Cloverfield. All I can say is it was good times. I love these kind of unexpected days. Were lunch turns into an affair. I love Dutch and Q. so much. Having acquaintances like them is a breath of fresh air, especially days like these when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders...

I am just learning to appreciate the little things in life more. This is what life is all about. Sometimes you can get SO wrapped up in the trivial bullshit that you miss the BIG picture!

Today is the day that I completely finished unpacking. I went through my junk trunk- you know, that trunk with all the shit in it that you don't want to throw away, but you have no idea what to do with it...

extension cords
old cell phones
old house phones
CDs
birthday/ valentine's day cards
love letters
magazines with Kanye West on the front (come on- everyone has those right?)
artwork from Mr Culiver's 6th grade art class
etc.

I started reading this old letter Maize & Blue sent me when I was living in the dorms. It was a letter he sent after he aparently proposed to me? Which, I don't remember to well. It's just funny to see how much things change over the years. It's funny to see it written down in front of me (NOT typed). I think it makes the lies even more catostrophic. But life is what you make it.
He's with her now and I am with him now. Life goes on.

I am just grateful about how far Yahweh has brought me. I am so in love with the gospel and I am so in love with the life he has given me. I am appreciative for the people he has brought into my life and I am more appreciative for the people he has kept in my life. There is a time and place for everything. Everything has an expiration date- including relationships/ friendships. My only prayer is that Yahweh doesn't let these friends I have expire or this relationship I have either. If he does, I will still appreciate the plan he has made for me.

Oh Saint Valentines

I am trying to figure out what the hay to get Daniel for Valentine's Day. I guess it will come to me, but I did find another card with chemists on the front! I keep out doing myself. I am pretty sure I am going to keep it simple this year. I may just back his fav MACADAMIAN nut cookies and over night them to him. I got my parents, Elise & Emeri card with gift cards so they can go out to dinner. I don't know what I am going to send to my little Thanum??? I want to get Erin this cute ass Buckeye jewelry we saw during Gallery Hop in some boutique on High St. but it's going to be a bitch finding WHICH store it was. I got Derrick a cute card that sing "Who Let The Dawgs Out," seeing that he is THE official Browns fan, I am sure he will like it (hope his wife doesn't mind). Got Ro a card and Polaris as well. I got Howard a card too- I am thinking about gettin him the "Mo Money Mo Bitches" shit from Urban Outfitters- but I have to see what my cash is looking like.

Every year I plan to send more and more gifts to people on Valentine's. It's funny that I somehow end up alone and giftless, but atleast I know the people I l ove the most weren't empty handed. It amazing to find out how many people never get gifts... thats inclusive to Valentine's, X-Mas and birthdays. I think that is total bullshit. I remember I got Big Time a shredder and The Coldest Winter ever for father's day last year. He said that was his first time ever recieving a father's day gift (his daughter is 9). Looking back, I wish I hadn't wasted my damned money on his, but at the time- it was the right thing to do. He is someone I care about- and for some reason (unbeknowst to me now) I thought he cared about me too.

Anywho- it's been a wreck finding out people's addresses on the sly without them expecting anything. There are actually a couple guys I wouldn't mind sending a card, but I can't bring myself to ask them for their info. It's funny how easy it is for me to go from a nice girl to a stalker in somebody's eyes. It's like, you ask one wrong question- and you become the official stalkers. You can't say, "hey, I don't want to stalk you, I just wanted to send you a card!" They'll never believe that.

I don't know how things are going to turn out a week from today. I may end up here on the couch sipping wine watching the fire alone, or cupid might shoot me AND I'M BACK! (get it? Fergie?)

I Call A Spade A Spade, PERIOD!

SAY IT AIN'T SO! Nah, it is so- it was ALL a lie as I suspected. Maize & Blue is not married, it's all a front for the public. It's funny how much people will go through in order to make the outside of their house look pretty. Get a new roof, cut the grass, paint the shutters, trim the hedges... but inside their house it's all falling apart. The same can be of people. People do so much to appear normal, or to pretend that they're something they are not. He told me that he said he is married on his profile to satisfy someone else. Is that the satisfaction- everyone thinking you have something you don't? The funny thing is, there aren't enough newspaper articles, or NFL profiles that could claim you are his wife- when the fact remains, it's all a lie.

I sometimes think, what going to happen when it is "official"? The fact will still remain, that his heart isn't there. Now THIS is a memorial, something that will never change; his heart is with me.

I was talking to my girl last night about somethings. I asked her if I should call Maize & Blue and wish him well concerning tomorrow's Super Bowl, and she told me what I needed to hear, "NO!" I did make the call against my better judgement. When I talked to my other friend Sala this morning, she told me that the call was ok. She said that it was closure. I expressed how I am over the relationship- but I just hate the fact that this bitch is reaping all the benefits, while she has always been nothing more than a jump- off. How convienent for her to get pregnant less that a month before her get signed. CO-INK-A-DINK? I think not! Sala just mentioned that he can't be THAT stupid to think that old-girl is real! I guess I'll never know.