This is what my fortune cookies read to my yesterday & it got me to thinking about life and procrastination. What I am doing to demean my progress by putting things off. I am just doing a shit load of evaluating and self- examination. I am no longer the person I was some three months ago, much has changed. People I thought were my friends, turned out to be like the rest of them. I will say I have picked up quite a few new acquaintances, but one can never know what is going to happen in the next week. All I can say is I am keeping my guard up, watching what the fuck I say to whom and more importantly I am trying real hard to be the friend that people want and need.
I am just starting to realize how important this blog is. If I were to die tomorrow 10's of 100'2 of people who have access to this little preservation of my life that I made. It is not like a picture, or a bad memory that is over ridden by all the GOOD, it's the honest to Yahweh truth. Yet and still, people can still misinterpret. I would hate for my mother to read this blog and conclude that she was a bad mom, even though I feel like she put me through hell both mentally and physically- she is the most important person in my life and if she were taken from me tomorrow- I can't even fathom how I would live another day. I would hate for anyone to One day read this when I am gone and conclude anything negative- because me intent has always been something different.
Things just aren't always what they seem. I am struggling with the fact that I can not have any of the guys I want. Big Time, Aby, Esco Bar, Sean, man- no one. It comes a point when you have to stop pointing fingers and realize, "Maybe it's me!?!?" What is wrong with me, what is it that I do wrong? Am not pretty enough, is my heart to broken? Do I cry to much, am I too outspoken? Didn't I make you laugh, should I try it harder? Why do you see right through me?... then next thing you know you are in a song, the chorus is over, the first verse is entering & tears are all down you face. So I am deciding to stop this now. I am not going to settle- I am just going to set in.
I am setting into my goals. I would love for someone to sweep me off my feet and love me like I have never been loved, but the fact is I am only 23 and got plenty of time to be in love. The reality that strikes me is that I don't have forever to make a success out of myself. Guys stop talking to me because I won't have sex with them, but instead of considering the fate- I just need to realize that someone who isn't willing to wait until I am comfortable is not worth being with me. Yea, my girls may do this and my girls may do that- but what's good for them is not good for me. The girls I rolled with in high school were into things I was not. Man! My two best females friends from high school are both mothers of 3 year olds! My road dog for life is on baby #2. So maybe, just maybe succoming to what the men I like want from me is not such a good idea!
I have plenty of demons riding my back that I am constantly battling. I am not happy with who I am right now, but I am realizing that TODAY is the day to do something about it. When Esco is around I am not going to talk loud and try to get his attention, I am just going to cope with the fact he will NEVER talk to me because of Maize & Blue. Is it his mistake? maybe not, maybe it was just never meant to be. Maybe if I had have been with him it would have caused my life more damage than good, so I am going to learn to leave it be. I have a whole list of things I am not comfortable with leaving the same if I were to die tomorrow. There are people that NEED to know I love them. Old bonds that need to be rekindled. I need to see my nephews face. I need to Sean, just one more time. I need to finish this book. I need to get rid of a lot of baggage that has held me back way too long. I would hate for my parents have to come in my apt. tomorrow and rubbish through painful memories I never got rid of. It's time.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
Concluding...
I have come to a conclusion in the last year... there is no way in hell I can change someone's views once their mind is made up. It doesn't matter if it's about religion or their first impressions or misinformation about me. No matter how much you like a person, no matter how sincere you are- there is just a point when you have to give up and move on. He is never going to make a mysterious call confessing that he was wrong all along, she is not going to send an e-mailing apologizing for her disloyalty, it is all up to you to let it go... all the feelings, good or bad.
I can't let things be heavy on my heart anymore. I am sick and tired of being this sincere friend and I am I even more tired of being put on the back burner. There are things that are much more important- and I plan to find them. I am sick of arguing, sick of pleading my case. I won't look back in regret- but you will!
I can't let things be heavy on my heart anymore. I am sick and tired of being this sincere friend and I am I even more tired of being put on the back burner. There are things that are much more important- and I plan to find them. I am sick of arguing, sick of pleading my case. I won't look back in regret- but you will!
Monday, October 02, 2006
Hypocrite...
I've been thinking about Esco Bar a lot lately. He's just another addition to that list, you know the one I am talking about; the list of all the truly great guys that I have like- but could never have. It's pure agony, because some way or another I see him everyday. It's like Yahweh is teasing me or something. I just can't come to grips with the fact that he will NEVER be mine.
The funny or ironic thing about our situation is the fact that he is a hypocrite. People understood that he made a mistake and people forgave him. Yeah, it seems that every time he makes a brilliant move, there is someone there to bring up the unforgivable past, yet and still that is overridden by his greatness. I wish he has that same virtue. I wish he could hear me out and I wish he could understand that I made a mistake. No matter whether it is my family, an old friend or just a random person- there is ALWAYS someone there to bring up my mistake. But somehow, I am not forgiven. I can not have the man I want and sadly- I can't move on.
In January is will have been four years... four years!!! What is going on with me that it has been four years? What am I doing wrong? I guess I just have a lot of soul searching to do. I just don't have a clue about men. I think I know how to act and what to do, I just act the right way with the wrong man. I need to learn to decipher what the differences are with men and I need to do it soon. I am sick of making decisions for other people- I am finally going to do what's good for me! I am not going to take heed to the judgment of others. I don't care one thinks he is too young, not cute enough, etc. What really matters is how I feel. If I could get back to that moment in the union nearly three years ago, things would be so different now. I was so concerned with what my friends thought. 2003 is far behind me.
More than anything I wish he could see that we're not so different. How can he expect people to forgive him and forget- when he won't even give me the time of day- just a chance?
The funny or ironic thing about our situation is the fact that he is a hypocrite. People understood that he made a mistake and people forgave him. Yeah, it seems that every time he makes a brilliant move, there is someone there to bring up the unforgivable past, yet and still that is overridden by his greatness. I wish he has that same virtue. I wish he could hear me out and I wish he could understand that I made a mistake. No matter whether it is my family, an old friend or just a random person- there is ALWAYS someone there to bring up my mistake. But somehow, I am not forgiven. I can not have the man I want and sadly- I can't move on.
In January is will have been four years... four years!!! What is going on with me that it has been four years? What am I doing wrong? I guess I just have a lot of soul searching to do. I just don't have a clue about men. I think I know how to act and what to do, I just act the right way with the wrong man. I need to learn to decipher what the differences are with men and I need to do it soon. I am sick of making decisions for other people- I am finally going to do what's good for me! I am not going to take heed to the judgment of others. I don't care one thinks he is too young, not cute enough, etc. What really matters is how I feel. If I could get back to that moment in the union nearly three years ago, things would be so different now. I was so concerned with what my friends thought. 2003 is far behind me.
More than anything I wish he could see that we're not so different. How can he expect people to forgive him and forget- when he won't even give me the time of day- just a chance?
Friday, September 22, 2006
STR8 TRIPPIN'
I just don't know where my life is going anymore. I've been kind of sad lately and I am not quite sure who there person in the mirror is. Found out a lot of shit about ATL today. Yea, he is another I am definitely writing off indefinitely. What's funny is the fact that I still want to give him a chance to tell his side of the story. What I do know is, he has been deceiving me since the day that I met him back in March. Pure DECEPTION. I am not even mad though. It's a shame that I am so use to disappointment from men, that it doesn't even phase me anymore. Furthermore, I am just sick and tired of disappointing people. My friends, my fam, just in general I am sick of being let down. It's like I can't even love the same way I use to...
I was thinking about something last night- I am 23, and I was thinking about a lot of good memories I have. But what scares me is the possibility that the best part of my life has already happened! I know that makes me sound like a pessimist, but it's really how I feel!
I also got to thinking about "Charge it to the Game!" How through out the last five years I have tried calling him, e-mailing him. I will never forget the last time I saw him during winter break of my freshman year. I was still working at next, and he came in wearing his letterman's jacket and a sling from hurting his arm. Since then, we have exchanged a few e-mails but, that's it. He graduated and moved to California earlier this year. My e-mail address got de activated... so it's official, it's over between us. I will never know what happened- why we aren't friends anymore. I will never know how he felt about me all those years. And what's really crazy is the fact that I will probably never see him again. We will always be on opposite sides of the country. Yeah, our parents are still in Cleveland, but that means nothing. One day, he will die & I will never get to say goodbye. I won't be able to show my respects to his parents. I won't be able to attend his funeral. This happened with Jason, but with Charge it to the Game, it will mean so much more... it will be a deeper pain. I took a lot in life for granted. And what has me trippin' is the fact that these people will never know how I felt!
I was thinking about something last night- I am 23, and I was thinking about a lot of good memories I have. But what scares me is the possibility that the best part of my life has already happened! I know that makes me sound like a pessimist, but it's really how I feel!
I also got to thinking about "Charge it to the Game!" How through out the last five years I have tried calling him, e-mailing him. I will never forget the last time I saw him during winter break of my freshman year. I was still working at next, and he came in wearing his letterman's jacket and a sling from hurting his arm. Since then, we have exchanged a few e-mails but, that's it. He graduated and moved to California earlier this year. My e-mail address got de activated... so it's official, it's over between us. I will never know what happened- why we aren't friends anymore. I will never know how he felt about me all those years. And what's really crazy is the fact that I will probably never see him again. We will always be on opposite sides of the country. Yeah, our parents are still in Cleveland, but that means nothing. One day, he will die & I will never get to say goodbye. I won't be able to show my respects to his parents. I won't be able to attend his funeral. This happened with Jason, but with Charge it to the Game, it will mean so much more... it will be a deeper pain. I took a lot in life for granted. And what has me trippin' is the fact that these people will never know how I felt!
Friday, September 15, 2006
M.I.A.
I feel like I have posted anything on here in a good long while. A lot has transpired over the last two weeks and I have really become a different person over night. Well, good N.E.W.S. ;-) first. My nephew Ethan was born on September 11, 2006 (Monday)... and he is just a joy. I am really happy to be an aunt and even though it is stressful, I know that this baby is going to change the lives of everyone in my family.
Well, facebook... or someone on facebook pissed my off- because he didn't confirm me? So, I guess I have to take it for "face" value. I am learning to love only the ones who are deserving. I made a mistake where concerning Boston. I think he is someone who should be kept a friend. It is funny that you can converse with someone daily for two years and still misjudge who they are. I honestly thought he was a person who was sensitive and now it seems that he doesn't even care about me sincerely. I am not too upset about it, because he will look back and realize that he messed up a good thing. It is what it is.
ATL's phone was cut off last time I called him. I thought he just fell off the face off the earth without even saying goodbye. With him, it was actually getting to me because I couldn't understand how someone who was so vocal about how they felt about me could just disappear with no regards. Then yesterday I was awakened by his call. The long ass phone number in my phone let me know it was an international call. So, now he went from ATL, to Alabama, to Mexico now he is overseas in London :'-( but somehow- everything between us is still fine. I guess I can finally use all those minutes I have collected on my calling card for the last five years. I never thought they would come in handy b/c I have a cell phone- but international calls are a bitch!
Putting all this aside, I am just mad stressed out. I have been having the craziest dreams and I am not quite sure where my life is headed. I did meet a new "young" man, and we are supposed to hook up tonite for the first time. I think he may be a little too young, but guess I will find out where his head is tonite. Maybe by tomorrow I will like him to much that he will have a code name on here- then again... maybe not.
Big Time!!! I have NO idea what is going on between us. We had a real nice time last week when I was home, but I haven't heard from him since- which could mean many things. Either way, I am done calling and texting. I will hit him up on his birthday next month- but until then, I am done.
I guess I am kind of stressed out and a little restless. I am sick of dealing with men who are so cold. My college career has been nothing but shenanigans of Negroes who couldn't care less about me, which wouldn't be a problem if I didn't care about them in return- but I am not like that. I am really on a quest for love. I will not settle and I will not stop until I find it. I just need to get rid of a lot of baggage in my life...
Well, facebook... or someone on facebook pissed my off- because he didn't confirm me? So, I guess I have to take it for "face" value. I am learning to love only the ones who are deserving. I made a mistake where concerning Boston. I think he is someone who should be kept a friend. It is funny that you can converse with someone daily for two years and still misjudge who they are. I honestly thought he was a person who was sensitive and now it seems that he doesn't even care about me sincerely. I am not too upset about it, because he will look back and realize that he messed up a good thing. It is what it is.
ATL's phone was cut off last time I called him. I thought he just fell off the face off the earth without even saying goodbye. With him, it was actually getting to me because I couldn't understand how someone who was so vocal about how they felt about me could just disappear with no regards. Then yesterday I was awakened by his call. The long ass phone number in my phone let me know it was an international call. So, now he went from ATL, to Alabama, to Mexico now he is overseas in London :'-( but somehow- everything between us is still fine. I guess I can finally use all those minutes I have collected on my calling card for the last five years. I never thought they would come in handy b/c I have a cell phone- but international calls are a bitch!
Putting all this aside, I am just mad stressed out. I have been having the craziest dreams and I am not quite sure where my life is headed. I did meet a new "young" man, and we are supposed to hook up tonite for the first time. I think he may be a little too young, but guess I will find out where his head is tonite. Maybe by tomorrow I will like him to much that he will have a code name on here- then again... maybe not.
Big Time!!! I have NO idea what is going on between us. We had a real nice time last week when I was home, but I haven't heard from him since- which could mean many things. Either way, I am done calling and texting. I will hit him up on his birthday next month- but until then, I am done.
I guess I am kind of stressed out and a little restless. I am sick of dealing with men who are so cold. My college career has been nothing but shenanigans of Negroes who couldn't care less about me, which wouldn't be a problem if I didn't care about them in return- but I am not like that. I am really on a quest for love. I will not settle and I will not stop until I find it. I just need to get rid of a lot of baggage in my life...
Friday, September 01, 2006
Roll With The Punches
Sometimes Yahweh will have you see something bad in order to make a change in your life. He will expose you to just enough pain to realize that maybe someone is not a good match for you. That happened to me yesterday. Though, I would be a lie to say I was not still hung up on Polaris, after seeing him at Carlyle last night- I realize that he doesn't respect me like he should. Then there is that Iota nigga I use to talk about a lot. He was making passes at me all night. The funny thing is, I am really over him. He is still cute, he can still dress his ass off, but now- there is just something different about my perspective. I am not mad, I am grateful.
Anyhow, I think ATL left for France and I really didn't get to say goodbye, which is my fault. He called me and texted me like 3 times when I was with Chi-Town the other night. Six months will go by before I know it and if I am lucky- he will send for me like he tried to do in Mexico.... hopefully I can leave the U.S. and get a break from the drama.
After all, seasons change- so do cities. People come into your life and people go. But, its comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart- and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away!
~Carrie Bradshaw Sex & The City
I just know now for a fact that things will always turn in my favor I just have to learn to take the difficult times more gracefully. You know, Roll With The Punches!
Anyhow, I think ATL left for France and I really didn't get to say goodbye, which is my fault. He called me and texted me like 3 times when I was with Chi-Town the other night. Six months will go by before I know it and if I am lucky- he will send for me like he tried to do in Mexico.... hopefully I can leave the U.S. and get a break from the drama.
After all, seasons change- so do cities. People come into your life and people go. But, its comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart- and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away!
~Carrie Bradshaw Sex & The City
I just know now for a fact that things will always turn in my favor I just have to learn to take the difficult times more gracefully. You know, Roll With The Punches!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Let Me Cater To You... You're So Vain, I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You
It has come to my attention that there are many misconceptions about my blog. Some think it was created to start or fuel drama. Others think it is an underhanded scheme to confront them. Truth be told, this blog is for me and me only. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind folk reading up on me so that they can see what's going on in my life- but the things I write are not meant to be interpreted or judged by anyone other than myself. This disclaimer is not directed towards anyone in particular, but I just wanted to clear some things up in my own mind. Everyone out here thinks that the world revolves around them. Everything I mention in this blog just HAS to be talking about them. Have you ever had the mind to consider that maybe you have a GUILTY CONSCIENCE? When enfact most times I am not talking about you at all! Think about that.
A friend of mine recently told me that she doesn't understand my blog concept because I am just airing my dirty laundry. This is not the truth, I tell of good predicaments I have also. There is nothing wrong with venting, it's healthy! The thing is I AM NOT going to change or discontinue my blog in order to CATER to the two people who are offended by it. There are some cute guys ;-) out there who believe me to be a fabulous writer and think this blog is hilarious. There are some chicks out there who say, "your shit is entertaining as hell." So, should I stop writing and speaking my mind in order to CATER to the few persons who are so self conscious that they think I am writing about them? I think not!
It's cool to mend broken pieces and it is sometimes even better to "salvage" relationships, but some things are better left alone. I am just sick and tired of being the better person, I am sick of being stripped of reciprocity, and I done with people not meeting me half way. There is no way in hell I am going to keep apologizing when I was not the only one in the wrong. I know my faults- I acknowledge my infirmities, but I am also a Taurus and I am stubborn down to the last drop. Don't be a fool, I DO NOT HOLD "GRUDGES," I am just at the point in my life where I am a no nonsense type of individual. I am sick of drama and I am sick of being involved in other people's drama! I don't have a man, I don't have any kids, I am not going through any mental family issues with my family at the moment, and as far as other females are concerned- I have plenty of peeps to chill with and relate to. There is no reason for me to be concerned with someone's baby daddy troubles. There is not point for me sitting around hearing someone BASH other females- then roll with them, what for? I am not getting involved with any of that shit anymore, I am staying to me- and that's it.
The fact will remain, that I am all about self. I spent two decades of putting other people first, now it is me time. Hell no I am not going to sensor my blog. Hell no I am not going to be overly tactive or consider what others think about what I have to say, because people are always going to think what they want to think . People are always going to find a way to twist your words, no matter what you do. There is always going to be drama; even when you're lying at home sleep in your bed, someone across town will be accusing you of some thing. I will not CATER to anyone other than myself in this blog, plain and simply- that is not up for discussion. You're So Vain, I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You!
Don't You?
A friend of mine recently told me that she doesn't understand my blog concept because I am just airing my dirty laundry. This is not the truth, I tell of good predicaments I have also. There is nothing wrong with venting, it's healthy! The thing is I AM NOT going to change or discontinue my blog in order to CATER to the two people who are offended by it. There are some cute guys ;-) out there who believe me to be a fabulous writer and think this blog is hilarious. There are some chicks out there who say, "your shit is entertaining as hell." So, should I stop writing and speaking my mind in order to CATER to the few persons who are so self conscious that they think I am writing about them? I think not!
It's cool to mend broken pieces and it is sometimes even better to "salvage" relationships, but some things are better left alone. I am just sick and tired of being the better person, I am sick of being stripped of reciprocity, and I done with people not meeting me half way. There is no way in hell I am going to keep apologizing when I was not the only one in the wrong. I know my faults- I acknowledge my infirmities, but I am also a Taurus and I am stubborn down to the last drop. Don't be a fool, I DO NOT HOLD "GRUDGES," I am just at the point in my life where I am a no nonsense type of individual. I am sick of drama and I am sick of being involved in other people's drama! I don't have a man, I don't have any kids, I am not going through any mental family issues with my family at the moment, and as far as other females are concerned- I have plenty of peeps to chill with and relate to. There is no reason for me to be concerned with someone's baby daddy troubles. There is not point for me sitting around hearing someone BASH other females- then roll with them, what for? I am not getting involved with any of that shit anymore, I am staying to me- and that's it.
The fact will remain, that I am all about self. I spent two decades of putting other people first, now it is me time. Hell no I am not going to sensor my blog. Hell no I am not going to be overly tactive or consider what others think about what I have to say, because people are always going to think what they want to think . People are always going to find a way to twist your words, no matter what you do. There is always going to be drama; even when you're lying at home sleep in your bed, someone across town will be accusing you of some thing. I will not CATER to anyone other than myself in this blog, plain and simply- that is not up for discussion. You're So Vain, I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You!
Don't You?
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
I Couldn't Care Less
Friends, what are friends really? Just another word for disguised foes! I learned this at a young age, and nothing has changed. This will be about my fifth time stating this on my blog (yes, I've been counting), but I have no sense of loyalty to any female outside my bloodline! That's real! It's amazing how people want you to do so much for them, but as soon as you pay their shady ways back on them- they can't handle the heat. Some need to take their OWN advice, and look in the mirror!
Another thing I realize about myself recently is that I like a little bit of drama in my relationships. "A soul that hasn't been tested isn't worth a tinkers damn." I can tell a lot about a person by how the treat me when we fall out. The guys who are still nice and speak in passing, those are the ones who are mature and maybe I should think twice about our falling out. But the little immature bastards who resolve to calling damaged goods (I guess that's a cowards way of calling someone a hoe), and lashing out- proves nothing except for the fact that they are CRAZY! And, if you didn't know your code name, there it is- CRAZY.
The fact will always remain that I am a good woman. I carry myself well, I pay my own bills, I am putting myself through college (no matter how long it take :-/), I am a great friend and most importantly- I love who I am. This is why I KNOW bitches are jealous of me and this is why niggas start getting even more CRAZY when I am not giving them any play. I don't put myself out there and contrary to not so popular belief I am not a hoe. I am very sincere about everything I do. I guess this is why having friends never really was never a big issue to me. I am happy with just being a good person in general. I know some people see that in me & appreciate me, while other choose to be jealous instead. I know longer get mad at fall outs, because most people really don't matter, most people's opinions are SHIT to me, and most people don't really care about or love me deep down inside... so, I Couldn't Care Less!!!
Another thing I realize about myself recently is that I like a little bit of drama in my relationships. "A soul that hasn't been tested isn't worth a tinkers damn." I can tell a lot about a person by how the treat me when we fall out. The guys who are still nice and speak in passing, those are the ones who are mature and maybe I should think twice about our falling out. But the little immature bastards who resolve to calling damaged goods (I guess that's a cowards way of calling someone a hoe), and lashing out- proves nothing except for the fact that they are CRAZY! And, if you didn't know your code name, there it is- CRAZY.
The fact will always remain that I am a good woman. I carry myself well, I pay my own bills, I am putting myself through college (no matter how long it take :-/), I am a great friend and most importantly- I love who I am. This is why I KNOW bitches are jealous of me and this is why niggas start getting even more CRAZY when I am not giving them any play. I don't put myself out there and contrary to not so popular belief I am not a hoe. I am very sincere about everything I do. I guess this is why having friends never really was never a big issue to me. I am happy with just being a good person in general. I know some people see that in me & appreciate me, while other choose to be jealous instead. I know longer get mad at fall outs, because most people really don't matter, most people's opinions are SHIT to me, and most people don't really care about or love me deep down inside... so, I Couldn't Care Less!!!
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
It's Whatever!
I am starting to realize that you can't make anyone happy except yourself. It's always going to be something, some factor, some comment that someone takes the wrong way. There are always going to be those people who don't like you. There are always going to be people you don't like. Either way, the most we can do is focus on what we need out of life in order to be happy. No matter what toes we have to step on and what cost we have to pay, if you are happy at the end of the night- that's all that really matters.
This blog is starting to cause me so much drama. Random ass folk making comments about my posts & ethnicity? Random ass niggas getting offended because I say what I feel about them? The thing is, I am not on here for anyone satisfaction but my own. If you can't stand the heat get the fuck out the kitchen. If you don't want to read what I have to say- it's so simple to refrain from clicking on my profile's link. Are you serious?
Right now I am not going to be angry about anything. I had a great time and met some really nice women on Saturday. It is kind of hard to meet nice females to roll with at OSU, but I just did and I am really ecstatic about that. Celeste will be a married woman by the end of the week and Elise will be a mother by the end of next week. I am not going to let anybody or anything ruin that for me. I have been kicking it with a couple of cool dudes in CO, which are helping me with being homesick from Big Time. And that's all folks! I am sick of biting my tongue- fuck it!
People are always going to talk bad about me. Bitches are always going to start rumors about me. Niggas will always lie on their dicks. That's the way of the world. If you people don't know by now, I have learned to live with it- if I hadn't I would have killed myself a loooon time ago. I've just been sitting back and ruminating over the past decade. I was at Kirk Middle School ten years ago. The people I cared about then, the people I cared about at Shaw, even some of the people I cared about at OSU are gone from my mind- a distant memory. I am not about to stress myself out about people who I probably won't be in my life a year from now. I am definitely not going to stress myself out over people who I will probably never see again in my life! I am by no means a child, I do what grown folk do. I don't vandalize cars and I don't need to belittle others- and when I do, I don't get super offended when they do the same in return! I am me, inside and out- take it or leave it. I know who I am and I know what I need and want out of life... if you are reading this and find yourself enraged or guilty- then maybe you need to reevaluate your life, because it's whatever. You know where to find me!
This blog is starting to cause me so much drama. Random ass folk making comments about my posts & ethnicity? Random ass niggas getting offended because I say what I feel about them? The thing is, I am not on here for anyone satisfaction but my own. If you can't stand the heat get the fuck out the kitchen. If you don't want to read what I have to say- it's so simple to refrain from clicking on my profile's link. Are you serious?
Right now I am not going to be angry about anything. I had a great time and met some really nice women on Saturday. It is kind of hard to meet nice females to roll with at OSU, but I just did and I am really ecstatic about that. Celeste will be a married woman by the end of the week and Elise will be a mother by the end of next week. I am not going to let anybody or anything ruin that for me. I have been kicking it with a couple of cool dudes in CO, which are helping me with being homesick from Big Time. And that's all folks! I am sick of biting my tongue- fuck it!
People are always going to talk bad about me. Bitches are always going to start rumors about me. Niggas will always lie on their dicks. That's the way of the world. If you people don't know by now, I have learned to live with it- if I hadn't I would have killed myself a loooon time ago. I've just been sitting back and ruminating over the past decade. I was at Kirk Middle School ten years ago. The people I cared about then, the people I cared about at Shaw, even some of the people I cared about at OSU are gone from my mind- a distant memory. I am not about to stress myself out about people who I probably won't be in my life a year from now. I am definitely not going to stress myself out over people who I will probably never see again in my life! I am by no means a child, I do what grown folk do. I don't vandalize cars and I don't need to belittle others- and when I do, I don't get super offended when they do the same in return! I am me, inside and out- take it or leave it. I know who I am and I know what I need and want out of life... if you are reading this and find yourself enraged or guilty- then maybe you need to reevaluate your life, because it's whatever. You know where to find me!
Thursday, August 24, 2006
My Mom Always Tells Me This Story...
About when I was a little girl and how sweet I was. She tells me that, even as a child I was a really good friend, and she would watch other children mistreat me (one in particular- who will be married next week) and it would piss her off. She said one night she decided to talk to me about it, but when I responded I began crying and told her that she was going to make me think that I didn't have any friends. She said at that point she never brought it up again. Well, now it's 2006 and I call her a lot and mention different acquaintances. It is only a matter of time before I am calling with news about how the bitches have betrayed me. In many ways I am still that same gullible heart felt little girl, but over the years I have wised up. I know the difference between my girl and my friends.
I am not the one to swing the word "friend" around lightly. No, by no means is my sincerity in question- but, I often wonder how phony the company I keep is. Who is talking beind my back, who is jealous- no! envious of me (because we all know Yahweh is jealous... the real meaning of the word states that one who is jealous is worthy of praise, and these bitches ain't worth of anything), who should I trust.
"Never have any friends less than yourself!"
When you roll with bitches you have to watch them closer than you watch you enemies. It's always the ones closest to you who have to undermined scheme. I guess this is why I have been hurt more by the people who I care for rather than elsewhere.
There are a lot of things my mother told me. There are a lot of things she still tells me. Some have come to past, some I acknowledge, so I rebel against- but all are probably true. I am becoming more of a woman everyday and I am proud of that. I am learning that there are less and less people I can count on, but I am blessed to have the ones who are permanent. Life is constantly progressing. A month from now life as I have known it will be COMPLETELY different. Celestial will be married and most importantly Elise will be a mother. I just hope that she will be half of the mother that our mom has been to us. She did some fucked up shit when we were coming up, but her good has ALWAYS outweighed her bad. And, more than anything I hope that I will be able to express to my mother what she has been to me... my everything. And though I hurry her off the phone here, and start an argument with her there nothing will change the fact that the most repeated line in my vocabulary is My Mom Says....
I am not the one to swing the word "friend" around lightly. No, by no means is my sincerity in question- but, I often wonder how phony the company I keep is. Who is talking beind my back, who is jealous- no! envious of me (because we all know Yahweh is jealous... the real meaning of the word states that one who is jealous is worthy of praise, and these bitches ain't worth of anything), who should I trust.
"Never have any friends less than yourself!"
When you roll with bitches you have to watch them closer than you watch you enemies. It's always the ones closest to you who have to undermined scheme. I guess this is why I have been hurt more by the people who I care for rather than elsewhere.
There are a lot of things my mother told me. There are a lot of things she still tells me. Some have come to past, some I acknowledge, so I rebel against- but all are probably true. I am becoming more of a woman everyday and I am proud of that. I am learning that there are less and less people I can count on, but I am blessed to have the ones who are permanent. Life is constantly progressing. A month from now life as I have known it will be COMPLETELY different. Celestial will be married and most importantly Elise will be a mother. I just hope that she will be half of the mother that our mom has been to us. She did some fucked up shit when we were coming up, but her good has ALWAYS outweighed her bad. And, more than anything I hope that I will be able to express to my mother what she has been to me... my everything. And though I hurry her off the phone here, and start an argument with her there nothing will change the fact that the most repeated line in my vocabulary is My Mom Says....
My Jason Dorsey
Rest In Peace my love. I'll see you when I get there homie!
August 24, 1982- April 17, 2003
August 24, 1982- April 17, 2003
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Cutting The Grass
I think it's amazing how niggas claim to be "grown men," but at the end of the night they're just as petty and ignorant as these dead beats on the corner! One can talk and talk and talk to a nigga about respect until their ears fall off, but none of that will matter because they will still do the same dumb shit that makes you not take them seriously to begin with.
I was cool with this nigga who claims he wants me to be his woman?... yet, he is fucking a girl I roll with? Bad for business. Then we converse and dissect some shit, and he runs back and tells his boy? He tells his boy I am hating on him? He tells his boy not to talk to my friend I am hooked him up with? So, what the fuck is this niggas logic? You think making your nigga not like me and making one of my closest friends pissed off at me is going to make me take you under consideration? SAVE THAT SHIT FOR THE BIRDS!
See L. ain't got to hate on anyone. I am comfortable in my skin and the more I live the more I realize that if I question how real a nigga is from the jump- I prolly shouldn't trust him. I was right my sophomore year and no matter what piece of paper he got, what job he claims, which house he bought- he is still the same old nigga claiming to be a grown man. The funny thing is, grown men don't act in that manner. What happens between us, stays between us! The reason I know so much about a REAL man is because I lived with one for 18 years.
I am not fool. I said it before and I will say it again, I may portray the facade of a dumb blonde, but I couldn't be farther from it. I know who my real friends are (none of which anyone reading knows), I know who really is down for me & cares about me, and lastly, I know what niggas is just after their own profit- bitches too! I take care of me first in any situation. I don't care enough to stress about anyone outside my blood line other than Derrick. So, if you're wondering- keep it moving. There is only one I will change or repent for, he already knows my heart so their is no need. As far as you sneaky ass serpents... I been cutting the grass!!!
I was cool with this nigga who claims he wants me to be his woman?... yet, he is fucking a girl I roll with? Bad for business. Then we converse and dissect some shit, and he runs back and tells his boy? He tells his boy I am hating on him? He tells his boy not to talk to my friend I am hooked him up with? So, what the fuck is this niggas logic? You think making your nigga not like me and making one of my closest friends pissed off at me is going to make me take you under consideration? SAVE THAT SHIT FOR THE BIRDS!
See L. ain't got to hate on anyone. I am comfortable in my skin and the more I live the more I realize that if I question how real a nigga is from the jump- I prolly shouldn't trust him. I was right my sophomore year and no matter what piece of paper he got, what job he claims, which house he bought- he is still the same old nigga claiming to be a grown man. The funny thing is, grown men don't act in that manner. What happens between us, stays between us! The reason I know so much about a REAL man is because I lived with one for 18 years.
I am not fool. I said it before and I will say it again, I may portray the facade of a dumb blonde, but I couldn't be farther from it. I know who my real friends are (none of which anyone reading knows), I know who really is down for me & cares about me, and lastly, I know what niggas is just after their own profit- bitches too! I take care of me first in any situation. I don't care enough to stress about anyone outside my blood line other than Derrick. So, if you're wondering- keep it moving. There is only one I will change or repent for, he already knows my heart so their is no need. As far as you sneaky ass serpents... I been cutting the grass!!!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
This Dyke Got Life Fucked Up...
Okay, a fact is a fact- I can not stay out of drama's way! Man, latest news= this random bitch is slandering my name. She thinks I am e-mailing her and apparently someone broke into her bucket last night, so she is blaming me for that too. My girl Tiff said someone broke out her car window- so I'm Rambo now I guess? Bitch please!
I am realizing that hoes blame shit on me because they think I am childish and pathetic like them. This hoe had to run to all these niggas that she knows I talk to and start rumors about me having STD's and sleeping around. Anyone who believes that is a fool, because niggas KNOW Lindsay keeps to herself. It's fucking amazing that I haven't seen or talked to this bitch in three months and she still has my name in her mouth. I already knew she was jealous of me, but now I am pretty convinced that she is in love with me. My girl Tiff would always tell me how she would make comments about me being pretty, man the Dyke needs to back the fuck up! I will never be with another BITCH! EVER! Gross!
I just wonder why hoes can't get me off their mind. What is it about me? I need to know. I know why niggas fiend- but what satisfaction out of life do you get from hating another female that you don't even have to deal with? Questions. Soooooo many questions I have about crazy bitches.
What I do know is this, I am me and I am comfortable in my skin. I am happy with what I am doing in life and if anyone has a problem or complaint- come holla at cha girl! Ain't no bitch in me. I don't have to plot under handed schemes in the middle of the night. I gets up close and personal. E.C. all day! I ain't worried about any bitches, I could care less about a hoe. I am too concerned with looking at my beautiful ass in the mirror- that I don't have time to waste else where... unless I am scouting niggas(men only!) of course. Fuck what you heard, fuck what you think, get a life and you won't have to waste time tryna figure out about me... And one more thing, if you didn't have so many damned enemies, you wouldn't be confusing who is fuckin wit you bitch ass. Maybe you need to fall back and stop talkin shit! Signing off... L. to the J.
I am realizing that hoes blame shit on me because they think I am childish and pathetic like them. This hoe had to run to all these niggas that she knows I talk to and start rumors about me having STD's and sleeping around. Anyone who believes that is a fool, because niggas KNOW Lindsay keeps to herself. It's fucking amazing that I haven't seen or talked to this bitch in three months and she still has my name in her mouth. I already knew she was jealous of me, but now I am pretty convinced that she is in love with me. My girl Tiff would always tell me how she would make comments about me being pretty, man the Dyke needs to back the fuck up! I will never be with another BITCH! EVER! Gross!
I just wonder why hoes can't get me off their mind. What is it about me? I need to know. I know why niggas fiend- but what satisfaction out of life do you get from hating another female that you don't even have to deal with? Questions. Soooooo many questions I have about crazy bitches.
What I do know is this, I am me and I am comfortable in my skin. I am happy with what I am doing in life and if anyone has a problem or complaint- come holla at cha girl! Ain't no bitch in me. I don't have to plot under handed schemes in the middle of the night. I gets up close and personal. E.C. all day! I ain't worried about any bitches, I could care less about a hoe. I am too concerned with looking at my beautiful ass in the mirror- that I don't have time to waste else where... unless I am scouting niggas(men only!) of course. Fuck what you heard, fuck what you think, get a life and you won't have to waste time tryna figure out about me... And one more thing, if you didn't have so many damned enemies, you wouldn't be confusing who is fuckin wit you bitch ass. Maybe you need to fall back and stop talkin shit! Signing off... L. to the J.
Monday, August 21, 2006
I Ain't Thinking About You...
I was thinking about forgiveness today. My girl Tiffany hit me up and told me a story about this girl we fell out with. She said the girl called her and was begging for forgiveness, lol. It's funny how after all this time she is still thinking about us! It's like Deja vu again, in a way.
Eliot and I fell out in March when I went to ATL. He did the kindergarten act and wrote shit on facebook, but after 2 hours of it, I decided to be an adult. I blocked him on facebook, blackplanet, instant message, etc. Then after so long he decided to start begging me for forgiveness. First he somehow convinced Celeste to give him her pass code on facebook so he could stalk, harass and write me from her page- I caught on to his game. Then he started hitting Erin and Nikki up?- PATHETIC. Now I get the constant texts and voicemails from him and I just need to let him know I ain't thinking about him at all. Don't get it twisted, I do forgive- I just don't forget. I know all these apologies are in order because of Celeste's Wedding next week. What, did he think he was going to stay with me for free or something? Crazy!
People usually apologize when they are looking for personal gain, so I am always skeptical of sincerity. I am always sincere when I apologize, so what of it? Am I a hypocrite for thinking that some aren't real? I dunno!
Ok, new topic... Big Time. This nigga played me something serious this weekend when I went home. I really don't know what to take from it though. I just think he doesn't take me seriously (as most guys don't- for some reason). I don't want to give up on it, for reasons that are obvious(to any of my FRIENDS who are reading), but I can't play the fool. I don't know if I am looking for love- but I am looking for something and he seems to be it.
As for Polaris... three calls and counting. I am so proud of myself- for I can't remember the last time I lasted this long. Ignoring his calls has been hard, but I think I have finally gotten over the hump. A pretty face won't always do it. A pretty body won't always do it. The best gear won't always do it. The best... let's just say, Polaris ain't doing it for me no more. And even though Big Time isn't running smooth- I am happy and content with my love life.
Belated Birthday to ATL my babe turned 24 on Saturday! WOW!
Eliot and I fell out in March when I went to ATL. He did the kindergarten act and wrote shit on facebook, but after 2 hours of it, I decided to be an adult. I blocked him on facebook, blackplanet, instant message, etc. Then after so long he decided to start begging me for forgiveness. First he somehow convinced Celeste to give him her pass code on facebook so he could stalk, harass and write me from her page- I caught on to his game. Then he started hitting Erin and Nikki up?- PATHETIC. Now I get the constant texts and voicemails from him and I just need to let him know I ain't thinking about him at all. Don't get it twisted, I do forgive- I just don't forget. I know all these apologies are in order because of Celeste's Wedding next week. What, did he think he was going to stay with me for free or something? Crazy!
People usually apologize when they are looking for personal gain, so I am always skeptical of sincerity. I am always sincere when I apologize, so what of it? Am I a hypocrite for thinking that some aren't real? I dunno!
Ok, new topic... Big Time. This nigga played me something serious this weekend when I went home. I really don't know what to take from it though. I just think he doesn't take me seriously (as most guys don't- for some reason). I don't want to give up on it, for reasons that are obvious(to any of my FRIENDS who are reading), but I can't play the fool. I don't know if I am looking for love- but I am looking for something and he seems to be it.
As for Polaris... three calls and counting. I am so proud of myself- for I can't remember the last time I lasted this long. Ignoring his calls has been hard, but I think I have finally gotten over the hump. A pretty face won't always do it. A pretty body won't always do it. The best gear won't always do it. The best... let's just say, Polaris ain't doing it for me no more. And even though Big Time isn't running smooth- I am happy and content with my love life.
Belated Birthday to ATL my babe turned 24 on Saturday! WOW!
Friday, August 18, 2006
The World Is Being Sifted...
From Being Young Black & Gifted (112)
I know what I want in a man, someone with ambition and talent- nothing more nothing less. Smart guys are cool, cute guys are easy on the eyes, thugs are nice- if you're "in it for the minute;" but when it comes to longevity- I need any want someone who can hold a conversation about life!
I don't know where I am going to be a year from now, but I decided today that it's going to be far from here. I just need to room to breath; a place where I can start over fresh. I want to go to a city where no one knows my name and no one THINKS they can dissect anything about me. It's nothing more appetizing than when you meet a new person and you get to start from scratch, well that's how I want to live my life... until I make it right.
Hopefully I meet someone along the way who is a real Black man. Someone who doesn't feel like I owe them something just because they have an education, someone who doesn't think they know more than me because the came up on a rougher side of town and someone who is not going to judge my past I had with other men but only the present I have with them. I'm not going to settle.
I know what I want in a man, someone with ambition and talent- nothing more nothing less. Smart guys are cool, cute guys are easy on the eyes, thugs are nice- if you're "in it for the minute;" but when it comes to longevity- I need any want someone who can hold a conversation about life!
I don't know where I am going to be a year from now, but I decided today that it's going to be far from here. I just need to room to breath; a place where I can start over fresh. I want to go to a city where no one knows my name and no one THINKS they can dissect anything about me. It's nothing more appetizing than when you meet a new person and you get to start from scratch, well that's how I want to live my life... until I make it right.
Hopefully I meet someone along the way who is a real Black man. Someone who doesn't feel like I owe them something just because they have an education, someone who doesn't think they know more than me because the came up on a rougher side of town and someone who is not going to judge my past I had with other men but only the present I have with them. I'm not going to settle.
Everyone Is A Self Proclaimed genius...
It's funny how someone, even a stranger can read one entry from your blog or talk to you for all of twenty minutes and all of a sudden they are this psychiatrist who knows the depth to your every problem. I just hate judgment! Whether it come from friends, co- workers or just some random person I don't even know, I can't accept it [judgment], because judgment from a person does just as much good as a blood transfusion from someone who is HIV positive. It will get you no where fast and in a hurry!
Two of the people I work with are always calling me "CRAZY", but what they fail to realize it that everyone is crazy. The ones who deny it (like they do) are the worse because those are the mutha fuckas who show up to work with an AK-47 (shout out to Mo Clarett, lmao) and start blasting! Well, time and time again they call me "CRAZY," so today I called the one girl "Holier than thou" and for some reason (which is NOT beyond me) I think she may have been offended. She took the commonly use road and replied, "that's just what YOU think," and I had to immediately inform her that many other people pick that up from her personality too. The funny and hypocritical thing is, for the last four months I have set back and let her point out my infirmities and call me "CRAZY" repeatedly, but the ONE time I struck back and called her "Holier than thou" (which she truly is), she had the nerve to get offended? It just goes to show, people usually are quick to point out the faults of others when deep down inside they know, they are the ones who are really fucked up!
Then this other mutha fucka I work with, no matter what the subject.... sports, psych, nationalities- he thinks he is an expert. And if you know just a little bit- about me, you know I am not taking anyone's word for anything. I am open, I will listen, but I am always quick to research it or ask, "Where did you get that info from?" My other work friend lashed out on me one day and said I was a know it all and that I am never wrong. It's funny that when you question someone they jump to the defense and want to lash out on you when the fact shall remain, that if their stories and information were true- it would not be hard to prove. Every time the one guy starts a conversation- I just want to scream... what formal education do you have? But instead, I just nod my head. I now realize, people have to feel important. People have to pretend to be "HOLY." People have to do certain things to reach their own equilibriums, because when they don't do this- they don't feel sane, and if they don't feel sane- then for once in their lives, they will have to admit they aren't perfect, they are a little crazy and they don't know everything about everything. But instead, these types of people will probably continue on with the rest of their lives pointing fingers so they can keep this equilibrium, and those of us who Yahweh has permitted to see the truth will sit back and see them for what they are.... CRAZY, just like everyone else, just like the rest of us!
Two of the people I work with are always calling me "CRAZY", but what they fail to realize it that everyone is crazy. The ones who deny it (like they do) are the worse because those are the mutha fuckas who show up to work with an AK-47 (shout out to Mo Clarett, lmao) and start blasting! Well, time and time again they call me "CRAZY," so today I called the one girl "Holier than thou" and for some reason (which is NOT beyond me) I think she may have been offended. She took the commonly use road and replied, "that's just what YOU think," and I had to immediately inform her that many other people pick that up from her personality too. The funny and hypocritical thing is, for the last four months I have set back and let her point out my infirmities and call me "CRAZY" repeatedly, but the ONE time I struck back and called her "Holier than thou" (which she truly is), she had the nerve to get offended? It just goes to show, people usually are quick to point out the faults of others when deep down inside they know, they are the ones who are really fucked up!
Then this other mutha fucka I work with, no matter what the subject.... sports, psych, nationalities- he thinks he is an expert. And if you know just a little bit- about me, you know I am not taking anyone's word for anything. I am open, I will listen, but I am always quick to research it or ask, "Where did you get that info from?" My other work friend lashed out on me one day and said I was a know it all and that I am never wrong. It's funny that when you question someone they jump to the defense and want to lash out on you when the fact shall remain, that if their stories and information were true- it would not be hard to prove. Every time the one guy starts a conversation- I just want to scream... what formal education do you have? But instead, I just nod my head. I now realize, people have to feel important. People have to pretend to be "HOLY." People have to do certain things to reach their own equilibriums, because when they don't do this- they don't feel sane, and if they don't feel sane- then for once in their lives, they will have to admit they aren't perfect, they are a little crazy and they don't know everything about everything. But instead, these types of people will probably continue on with the rest of their lives pointing fingers so they can keep this equilibrium, and those of us who Yahweh has permitted to see the truth will sit back and see them for what they are.... CRAZY, just like everyone else, just like the rest of us!
Monday, August 14, 2006
When Niggas Get Their Feelings Hurts...
A whole heap of emotions come running out. Every problem they ever had with you, all the infirmities they recognized in you, what kind of man they really are just all leaks out. I guess this is why I try so hard to make guys I am feelings mad, in a round about way it let's me know how they REALLY feel about me and further it let's me know what kind of a man(or the lack of a man) they really are. You can tell a lot about a man's character by how the treat ex-girlfriend's and such.
At this point in my life I am trying hard not to become cynical, but it's tough when you're dealing with assholes. We're living in a world where the Black man thinks he's God's gift to the world and Black men with degrees think they're God himself? Just because you have a piece of paper does not make you better than anyone! The most intelligent and revolutionary people I know barely have formal education. And unless I have some sort of defining experience in the next year, the important things over life that I have learned had nothing to do with The Ohio State University. Just because it has syrup on it doesn't make it pancakes, just because you have an engineering degree doesn't make you better than ANYONE, and if you believe that- you're a fool!
In 2006 it seems that there are very few who are content, everyone is compensating for something. So guys have to talk down on females in order to feel important when the reality is they are just another ugly nerd. Don't get me wrong I love my friends, but I hate when they take shit off a nigga who ain't worth a damn. I will Never be that girl! NEVER!
I am just so sick of people judging me. They read my away messages and conclude I am "angry", the to read my body language and conclude I am "mean" and they read my blog and think they are my fucking psychologist... maybe you should all read my lips and "Kiss my ass!" lol, I was talking to one of my co-workers the other afternoon on his last day working with the company and she told me that she wanted to let me know how nice I am. She said she had seen me walk through he dept. for two years and by the look on my face she automatically thought I had a nasty attitude, but now after working with me over the summer she was shocked to find that I was a clown just like her. It's funny, people spend so much time judging someone on their outside appearance that they never scratch the surface. That's something to think about!
Change of subject. I have some new found friends to kick it with. They are all pretty, down to earth and more than anything they are not uptight buy comical as hell. We went out to dinner they clubbing Saturday to celebrate Erin's 21st birthday. I got 2 fortunes(P.F. Chang's fortune cookies) and this is what they read...
A mysterious person will soon enter your life
Cooperate with those who have both know-how and integrity
I've been doing number two- but number one has yet to be seen...
At this point in my life I am trying hard not to become cynical, but it's tough when you're dealing with assholes. We're living in a world where the Black man thinks he's God's gift to the world and Black men with degrees think they're God himself? Just because you have a piece of paper does not make you better than anyone! The most intelligent and revolutionary people I know barely have formal education. And unless I have some sort of defining experience in the next year, the important things over life that I have learned had nothing to do with The Ohio State University. Just because it has syrup on it doesn't make it pancakes, just because you have an engineering degree doesn't make you better than ANYONE, and if you believe that- you're a fool!
In 2006 it seems that there are very few who are content, everyone is compensating for something. So guys have to talk down on females in order to feel important when the reality is they are just another ugly nerd. Don't get me wrong I love my friends, but I hate when they take shit off a nigga who ain't worth a damn. I will Never be that girl! NEVER!
I am just so sick of people judging me. They read my away messages and conclude I am "angry", the to read my body language and conclude I am "mean" and they read my blog and think they are my fucking psychologist... maybe you should all read my lips and "Kiss my ass!" lol, I was talking to one of my co-workers the other afternoon on his last day working with the company and she told me that she wanted to let me know how nice I am. She said she had seen me walk through he dept. for two years and by the look on my face she automatically thought I had a nasty attitude, but now after working with me over the summer she was shocked to find that I was a clown just like her. It's funny, people spend so much time judging someone on their outside appearance that they never scratch the surface. That's something to think about!
Change of subject. I have some new found friends to kick it with. They are all pretty, down to earth and more than anything they are not uptight buy comical as hell. We went out to dinner they clubbing Saturday to celebrate Erin's 21st birthday. I got 2 fortunes(P.F. Chang's fortune cookies) and this is what they read...
A mysterious person will soon enter your life
Cooperate with those who have both know-how and integrity
I've been doing number two- but number one has yet to be seen...
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Holy Is The Lamb
...Satanic spirit, all carnal mind,
Walking round thinking everything was fine!
Then Kinley preached the gospel and he made me see,
The sin is ignorance and I’m guilty.
Vanity, iniquity, ya’ll better here me...
I’ve been weighing the balance came up short.
I looked over my life it’s just a bad report!
Kinley preached the gospel and he made me see
Its me- I’m the enemy! Its me- I’m guilty!
Yahweh please, have mercy.
I’ve been sentenced, make no mistake,
I have a reservation straight to the lake.
And right now, what I need to do,
Is ask a little mercy from you.
And still all we can say is holy holy Yahweh...
This has to be the hottest Gospel song ever created!
Walking round thinking everything was fine!
Then Kinley preached the gospel and he made me see,
The sin is ignorance and I’m guilty.
Vanity, iniquity, ya’ll better here me...
I’ve been weighing the balance came up short.
I looked over my life it’s just a bad report!
Kinley preached the gospel and he made me see
Its me- I’m the enemy! Its me- I’m guilty!
Yahweh please, have mercy.
I’ve been sentenced, make no mistake,
I have a reservation straight to the lake.
And right now, what I need to do,
Is ask a little mercy from you.
And still all we can say is holy holy Yahweh...
This has to be the hottest Gospel song ever created!
Self Titled...
In this last year I have learned that I have to do what makes ME happy. I can't continue to focus on what makes everyones else's life easier, because at the end of the night I only have myself. I use to always tell Maize & Blue that, "take care of yourself, because no one else will." So, I am finally taking my own advice- practicing what I preach. It doesn't really matter what looks right to the persons on the outside looking in, as long as I can look in the mirror and be happy.
ATL has been pressuring me I feel. I wish I had gotten a job in the beginning of the summer so I could have afforded to visit him now. He will be paying for my trip- but my bills @ home will be waiting, so I have to take one for the team and pass. So, I missed the trip to Mexico, the trip to ATL, and if I don't get my shit together soon- I will be missing the trip to PARIS! ATL will now be moving to Paris next month to play basketball. I sometimes wonder what could have or would have been if I would have graduated in May like expected. If I would have had the mind set that I have now, last summer- my life would be completely different! But, instead, all I have now if half a dozen guys in half a dozen cities urging me to hurry and get my degree so I can move. Life is funny like that.
Okay, I talked to Big Time the other night for all of two hours. It's been a long time since I have had a conversation for that length of time on the phone. I know I said I wouldn't mention him anymore, but after our conversation I see that he isn't as secretive as I. What I do know is that this may be going somewhere. He isn't way in the south like ATL, he isn't having women troubles like Boston and he definitely doesn't treat me in the same manner as these niggas who live in CO do. I think I am ready to get rid of Polaris.... when I move into my new apartment I am just going to move on period.
I am not a player, but I am going to do what I have to do to make mySELF happy. If someone is judging me- let that be their problem. I am 23 and I am still waiting to have my first love. I am 23 and I am still waiting to make an impression on this world. I am 23 and I am waiting to finally live. It will happen.
Maurice Clarett, you're in my prayers. I will ALWAYS be a fan, I am not fair weather- I know(firsthand) that people make mistakes, some that can be reversed and others that are life altering. Shit happens! All you people out their judging and commenting on him and his situation- take the time to look in the mirror. When is the last time you examined yourself? The time is now.
ATL has been pressuring me I feel. I wish I had gotten a job in the beginning of the summer so I could have afforded to visit him now. He will be paying for my trip- but my bills @ home will be waiting, so I have to take one for the team and pass. So, I missed the trip to Mexico, the trip to ATL, and if I don't get my shit together soon- I will be missing the trip to PARIS! ATL will now be moving to Paris next month to play basketball. I sometimes wonder what could have or would have been if I would have graduated in May like expected. If I would have had the mind set that I have now, last summer- my life would be completely different! But, instead, all I have now if half a dozen guys in half a dozen cities urging me to hurry and get my degree so I can move. Life is funny like that.
Okay, I talked to Big Time the other night for all of two hours. It's been a long time since I have had a conversation for that length of time on the phone. I know I said I wouldn't mention him anymore, but after our conversation I see that he isn't as secretive as I. What I do know is that this may be going somewhere. He isn't way in the south like ATL, he isn't having women troubles like Boston and he definitely doesn't treat me in the same manner as these niggas who live in CO do. I think I am ready to get rid of Polaris.... when I move into my new apartment I am just going to move on period.
I am not a player, but I am going to do what I have to do to make mySELF happy. If someone is judging me- let that be their problem. I am 23 and I am still waiting to have my first love. I am 23 and I am still waiting to make an impression on this world. I am 23 and I am waiting to finally live. It will happen.
Maurice Clarett, you're in my prayers. I will ALWAYS be a fan, I am not fair weather- I know(firsthand) that people make mistakes, some that can be reversed and others that are life altering. Shit happens! All you people out their judging and commenting on him and his situation- take the time to look in the mirror. When is the last time you examined yourself? The time is now.
Monday, August 07, 2006
"Drive Slow Homie... Drive Slow Homie
Ya never know homie/ might meet some hoes homie
Ya need to pump your brakes and drive slow homie" ~Kanye West Drive Slow
Lately I feel like I don't even have time to live anymore. It's always running I have to do, I never have time to just look around and appreciate the world and all it's splendor. After Elise's baby shower Saturday I hooked up with Big Time and chilled with him for a LONG while. I use to always see girls riding with guys like him and I would be so jealous. For once in my life- I was that girl. I swear in two hours, I saw every hood street the east side of Cleveland has to offer... St. Clair, 10-5, Eddy Road, Shaw, Union, Harvard, Kinsman, Superior, Euclid, 152nd, Buckeye... the list goes on. I sat there sippin on champagne and got lost as time to slowed down, I unwound and was in deep thought. Those are the times when you really get to know a person. It's not about what they got on, what song is playing, the crew they roll with- it's you, him and conversation.
I am realizing that I've come across a guy unlike anyone I have ever dealt with. This is "New" to me because I am always analyzing and comparing niggas. Even the ones who surprise me in the beginning- end up being the same. I am pretty sure Big Time has some thing under his sleeve- but for the most part I am convinced that he isn't the average everyday. We already "fell out" once (on his accord), so I already know the other(crazy) side of him- so I don't think there is anything I have to worry about. All I can say is a nigga like him will have me wanting to make that move back home, but we will see. We are just so much alike... secretive- the who nine. In light of that(secrecy), I've decided to no longer make mention of him in this blog, or at least I will try not to. Hopefully things will work out and at the least we will remain cool people, time will tell.
"My Best Friends Say I'm Bottled Up, I Need a Fuckin Therapist/...
But I Can't Think of Nobody I Wanna Share This Wit/..." ~ Pharrell Best Friend
Yesterday was my Derrick's 24th birthday and I didn't even get to talk to him. Seems like I haven't been talking to much of anyone lately. My life has taken a drastic turn. Really ain't been up in the club like I use to and I been more focused on getting my life together. I kind of feel secluded. My boy A.J. has been hitting me up like every other day to kick it, the last two summers we were inseparable- but now I am just a dead beat friend. Last time Mel and I kicked it was in April I think, & Ro & I last kicked it on her birthday in February... GEEZ- I am just fallin off. It's funny how life can be so great yet so fucked up all in the same moment. I am just trying hard to stay focused and not be discouraged- but I just don't know anymore.
I guess I am hoping things do work out with Big Time (okay I promise- no more mentioning of him) so I can have someone to talk to, to vent to, to be real with- because this blog shit ain't forever. That's the thing about a Blog, there's no reciprocity, nor feed back. If I keep on like this, I'm gonna drive myself CRAZY!
Ya need to pump your brakes and drive slow homie" ~Kanye West Drive Slow
Lately I feel like I don't even have time to live anymore. It's always running I have to do, I never have time to just look around and appreciate the world and all it's splendor. After Elise's baby shower Saturday I hooked up with Big Time and chilled with him for a LONG while. I use to always see girls riding with guys like him and I would be so jealous. For once in my life- I was that girl. I swear in two hours, I saw every hood street the east side of Cleveland has to offer... St. Clair, 10-5, Eddy Road, Shaw, Union, Harvard, Kinsman, Superior, Euclid, 152nd, Buckeye... the list goes on. I sat there sippin on champagne and got lost as time to slowed down, I unwound and was in deep thought. Those are the times when you really get to know a person. It's not about what they got on, what song is playing, the crew they roll with- it's you, him and conversation.
I am realizing that I've come across a guy unlike anyone I have ever dealt with. This is "New" to me because I am always analyzing and comparing niggas. Even the ones who surprise me in the beginning- end up being the same. I am pretty sure Big Time has some thing under his sleeve- but for the most part I am convinced that he isn't the average everyday. We already "fell out" once (on his accord), so I already know the other(crazy) side of him- so I don't think there is anything I have to worry about. All I can say is a nigga like him will have me wanting to make that move back home, but we will see. We are just so much alike... secretive- the who nine. In light of that(secrecy), I've decided to no longer make mention of him in this blog, or at least I will try not to. Hopefully things will work out and at the least we will remain cool people, time will tell.
"My Best Friends Say I'm Bottled Up, I Need a Fuckin Therapist/...
But I Can't Think of Nobody I Wanna Share This Wit/..." ~ Pharrell Best Friend
Yesterday was my Derrick's 24th birthday and I didn't even get to talk to him. Seems like I haven't been talking to much of anyone lately. My life has taken a drastic turn. Really ain't been up in the club like I use to and I been more focused on getting my life together. I kind of feel secluded. My boy A.J. has been hitting me up like every other day to kick it, the last two summers we were inseparable- but now I am just a dead beat friend. Last time Mel and I kicked it was in April I think, & Ro & I last kicked it on her birthday in February... GEEZ- I am just fallin off. It's funny how life can be so great yet so fucked up all in the same moment. I am just trying hard to stay focused and not be discouraged- but I just don't know anymore.
I guess I am hoping things do work out with Big Time (okay I promise- no more mentioning of him) so I can have someone to talk to, to vent to, to be real with- because this blog shit ain't forever. That's the thing about a Blog, there's no reciprocity, nor feed back. If I keep on like this, I'm gonna drive myself CRAZY!
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