For The Better!

As of late, I feel like my life is changing drastically. The things that use to hold so much importance are so meaningless now! All that really matters is being alive to see another day. I am learning to live in the moment and I am realizing that some things and some people are not worth the time and effort. Some people are hear with the sole intention to hurt you- but it is your choice to grant them the power to do so, and I am so sick of doing that- so I'm not anymore.

My life is way different than it was a year ago. I am rolling with a new crew (the cycle of the revolving door of female friends has NOT changed), most of the men I was SO concerned with before, I see them for who they really are- and MOST importantly my life is completely different. I have a new job, a new nephew & some call me "Miss NEW Booty!" Naw, just kidding, but I have matured so much. I have finally acknowledged that Maize & Blue hurt me beyond matter and I see that sometimes what I do to other people has nothing to do with what they have done to me- but more of what I have gone through as a whole (John Mayer- Daughters). None the less, I am moving on and I am finding that men are all the same- but it takes a keen eye to find the good in people... and instead of being that pessimistic woman I once was- I am planning the have a keener eye than which was ever thought possible.

I have been having reoccurring dreams about "Charge It To The Game," "Esco Bar," and "R." and I really can't figure out why! I guess when you become attached to the thought of something, even though you have consciously let it go... when you are sleeping and have no control- your subconscious takes over. And for those 3-4 hours (yea- I have insomnia- I work WAY too much & I pretty much never sleep) the TRUTH as you've know it- is REVEALED. I guess that is the good thing about dreams... it's the only time when you can really be happy. And even though dreams (whether they are the visions you have every night while sleeping, or if they are the ideas and aspirations you have for your future) may not be made manifest- they are real [to you], and that's all that really matters.

Well, skipping to a new subject, ATL has gotten back in contact with me. He wants me to fly out to Portugal in May for his playoffs. I am not sure what I am going to do, and after the "information" I found out last Wednesday, I am not even sure that I will be "ABLE" to make the trip regardless. I just find it funny that guys wake up one morning and decided that they want to be serious and all of a sudden WOMEN are supposed to forget about everything one put us through? Now that is "CRAZY"!!! My girls are all telling me to go, esp. since he is paying for the trip... but my heart- is never sure!

Other than that, I am dealing with Delphi and IDMR. These are two new code names I am putting on the table- but as you know- if you really have insight into my life, you know who I am referring to! Well, it is hard to make a choice between two good dudes. So, I am gonna be "Like A Boy" and just date them both. Fuck all the silliness. At this point everything is platonic. They are BOTH playing the same games- and I am not going to entertain the games, so as far as I am concerned they are on the same level. And, though it may seem different (Charisse ;-) Bar Louie Easton) I don't like one more than the other! I am just trying to find solis after so much pain!

I know I have had month long HIATUSES, but I will probably be writing in here a lot more in the future like I use to. I have had a whole heap of weird and appalling news in the last week and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. I hate to be the barer of bad news... so I have kept it to myself for the most part. I really can't bare to be the reason for worry and pain, so I won't. I did try to tell Delphi about it, but- I don't think that he catching on. It's funny how many cries for help go unanswered. I guess that is the way it was meant. Yahweh purposed it that way.

RIGHT NOW, I am just striving to be a better person before it is too late. Sometimes, you don't realize how great something is until it is all gone. I am not going to wait for the water to run dry! I am living in the NOW, and I am hoping to make my life better- GET TO KNOW ME!

A Better Woman- To Myself...

Man, Christina has some lyrics for dat ass, lol. I just have been doing a lot of thinking about life lately. Some things and people come into our lives so unexpectedly and just as easy they can be taken away. It's funny that, once someone or something is there- you can not even remember what life was like without them. Who did you call for advice? Who was your backbone? How did you use to dress? It's funny that the past is so distant even when it was just yesterday! I guess it is important to just be in the now! Don't worry about what happened or what may come, just live right NOW!

I am trying hard to be a better woman. I am trying not to be spiteful and most importantly I want to become a more forgiving person. Sometimes people just don't know how to love- they can't help it! I was talking to Candace the other night about friendships and how is it hard for some people to be friends! You can not fault them for that, but you just have to deem yourself lucky that you DO know what it means to be a real friend. Sooner or later, that person who was less than a friend to you- will look back and realize what you meant to them and that they will NEVER find another like you. I know that from experience. The thing that most people don't realize about me is that I will always be their friend. No matter how angry I may be at the moment, no matter how they did me wrong, I will always be there. Once we fall out I am not going to go tell all their darkest deepest secrets- I am not going to stab them in the back. I am just going to keep it moving. There is no need to beat a dead horse. Once someone is dead to me, once love is lost- it's as if it never existed.

I am not bitter anymore, and I do forgive Maize & Blue. I am realizing a lot of which I felt he did to me, I allowed it- so in reality, I DID IT TO MYSELF. For along time I was not able to accept love and I would be lying is I said I can now give love (because I have not made it to that goal yet). What I can say is that I have met someone who is just so perfect in my eyes. Everything is so easy. I am not sure how far it will go, or if we "JUST" continue to be friends, but I can say that I look forward to being around him. Bad things can happen to one their whole life- but maybe those bad things just happened to prepare them for someone else. All his adversities- I see right through them and he is the kind of man I have always wanted.

I am realizing that all my pain in the past has a cause- I just hope he is that reason. And is at chance he isn't, I hope in the end- all this bad shit has man me a better woman!

Understand...

He was with me, it was so real- but I found out it was FAKE because they're together now.
And they are building this life with one another- so I play it off like Tamia and, "Smile".
Because I was under the impression it was he & I, yet somehow I was the other woman.
And I was whisked under the rug before I could even take a stand.
Romance? off the table... cordial? not in my dreams!
Because that nigga is on some dogging shit and could care less about taking the time to redeem.
So, I have to make a decision, like so many other times, do I take this lying down?
Or take it THERE! Make him explain to me why he didn't want me around!
Why couldn't you love me right? Why couldn't you be my friend?
Why couldn't you keep it real from the beginning, I didn't want for you to be my man!
Traveling in and out the country, in and out the state, in and out the city- but you and I are in CO.
What did I do that was SO wrong that I get not act right in the SAME city & have been treated so cold?
I can't call it! But make me understand, I'm NOT mad, I just can't go through his shit again.
I need to know why I am ALWAYS stepping in the wrong direction? What's the unforgivable sin?
I just don't get it, I don't need your compassion- it's worthless to me, but I do need to know the real.
How did I turn you into this man that shuns me, why is it hate you feel?
No matter where I am it's the same, CO, EC, ATL, the Land...
I know I am hitting "you" with too many questions, but just please make me understand!

Untitled

It's funny that things can happen and for the life of you- you can't figure out why Yahweh would purposed something of the such. Well, I am at the point in life where I am not questioning it as much as I am realizing that maybe I need to focus more to see the bigger picture. There is life after college (or in my case there WILL be), there is definitely life after Nordstrom (though I am not yet comfortable and accustomed to it), and most importantly there is life after heartbreak.

Here recently I have been getting closer to a guy I have known my whole life. I am not certain if it is going anywhere, but it's funny to realize that sometimes people aren't exactly who you thought they were. Everyone has infirmities- some more than others, but one has to step back and consider if it is really worth putting up with another person's flaws? I know that in general I am a person who puts up with damn near everyone's flaws because I have realize that underneath them is something that I could never afford to buy, and something that so many other people are missing out on- yet I am privledged; so I don't mind flaws.

This is my first blog in a while and my writing is a little off wack, so bear with me, I just have so much on my mind today- I will probably be writing in this again later. Anyhow, as I was saying the guy I have been getting to know is having a lot of problems with my flaws. I guess my biggest flaw is the fact that I tend to come off as cold hearted, and in his words "I have a wall up and I am a woman scorned!" The funny thing is, when he went on his little rampage of yelling at me and telling me about myself- inside my head all I could do is agree. I do have a wall up, I am a woman scorned, and the sad thing is- on every level... I don't know how to love anymore.

THE Over Reacting of a DIVA ( ;-) Easy Mac)

It's crazy how backwards I am. Most people put you through trials and tribulations before they can feel you have their trust- but Lindsay, her tactics are way different. When it comes to me, I do the opposite- I start off in most relations and friendship COMPLETELY naive and gullible. The funny thing is, once one lies to me, once one shows we I can not trust them, I never do again. Yes, I am somewhat forgiving, but the fact will remain that my emotions run deep. I can forgive but I never forget. Now I am getting to a point where I am critical of everyone- even the persons I know are JUST running game from the start. I have been allowing myself to feel too deeply of people who do not care about me at all- and that has to end. My problem is that I perceive people as if they are people who think like me, and the truth is- is that most people- nigga specifically, are not caring or careful- they're just careless.

In 2006 I have found that people are who they are. What you see is what you get and STILL in many cases what you get may be even less that what you see. All of these truths have lead me down this path- that cause me to be way too critical of the people I am involved with- both romantically and emotionally. Sometimes people are just busy. Sometimes people are just tired. It is true that maybe people MAY be with another girl, but none of that matters- you have to take things for face(book) value.

Right now I am feeling a little heartache from the rejection of my bABY. All I can really do is move on. People are who they are. Yahweh has purposed for my life to be the way it is. Maybe I don't have the mind right now to see the bigger picture, but I do have the mind to see that this is not the end for me. I will not have to always live vicariously through other people and there will not always be friend who judge by the relationships they are in & feel pity because they are being dragged through the mud. There will be a point when none of that matters. There will be a point when all of this that is happening to me will be a bad dream. It will be over.

The fact is I am just going through a rough patch in life right now. I feel like the men I have become accustomed to treat me like I am invaluable, and after being treated that way by so many people, you start to believe it. It's crazy that the certain people in my life who actually matter can tell me what a beautiful person I am and I won't believe it, but then someone who I really couldn't care less about can say one ineffectual thing- and it will stick with me. It's always easier to believe the bad things!

This month has been classic Lindsay. And I will say, that this has been by far the worse month of my adult life. What scares me even more is the fact that this month is not over, it could get worse! I am working through it though and I am getting over it. January will hopefully be here before I know it. The start to another Gregorian year (not Abib). However in the midst of all this drama and turmoil- I still can't stop thinking about Esco Bar- and what could have been. I had a dream about him the other nite, and it's funny that dreams are the only time when what is buried in you mind manifests its self. Yet & still, his dreams are coming true one after another. Esco Bar is Cinderella... and I just wonder- when will it happen for me?

Sometimes It's Just Better To FORGIVE & FORGET!!!

Harboring on past negative emotions will eat you alive. The people who have done you wrong are not sitting around in a room with their friends bashing you, they're not laying in bed while listening to sad slow songs crying, and they definitely aren't letting the pain they've caused you- to retard them from moving on an finding love or loyalty somewhere else. My best bet is they don't bring you up to their friends at all, their nights aren't spent in bed crying, but lying next to someone else and they did not learn to be a more caring and sincere person to the next one the befriend. So, why do we continue to punish ourselves for someone else's infirmities against us? Isn't the initial pain they've caused us punishment enough?

I know it will take time but I am trying to learn to move on and be happy. When I put all things aside I can acknowledge and realize that my past relationships had their rough spells, but I was truly loved. There weren't many moments when I wouldn't lay in bed crying, but I would look over and think to myself, "I can't believe he is mine." I had a person to fuss at, and when I questioned him about something- he gave me an answer. Yea, many of times the answer may have been a lie- but he gave me enough regards to do that. I know that in the past couple of years I have been kind of bitter- but I know that life does go on.

My girl ran into her ex boyfriend in the club and they had their first meeting since the BIG BREAK UP. She ended up crying and we had to leave the club a little early and even further she continued to ball the rest of the night in our friend's bathroom, but when she did calm down to talk to me for a minute, she told me that he admitted he wasn't happy and he made a mistake. Before he left she told him that she still loved him and she will always love him. Her statement made me realize that I feel the same way. Sometimes shit is so thick that you don't realize how much someone hurt you and what your true feelings really are. When you truly love a person that love NEVER ends, so it's selfish to ever have a person in your life and get upset with the fact that they are somewhat involved with an ex. Yes, there is a fine line of separation- but real love can never be lost.

The funny thing about life is that we get so wrapped up in portions that don't really matter that we miss the BIG PICTURE and the significant things go right over our heads. It's not that someone cheated. It's not that someone lied. It's not that someone left you shit faced and broken hearted. The BIG PICTURE is that for a moment- as brief as it may have been, you got to experience real love. Untainted, real love! All the bad spells in the world couldn't over ride that.

In the back of my mind I will have a little sour puss in me, I will always high light the "he did me wrong" eras, but the fact will ALSO remain that I am now acknowledging the good time also. I guess I regret that this didn't come earlier- then maybe my chances would have been clearer for Esco Bar, but I am starting to realize a lot about that situation also.

The other night I had a mutual friend of our's (Esco & I's) reveal some things about him and his childhood. I know that I have never come at him with nothing but admiration, but for some reason he always rejects what ever it is I am trying to express. I was convinced for a long time that it had something to do with Maize & Blue, but now I am realizing maybe it just had something to do with him.Those eighteen years you spend "growing up" shape your life. Every thing about them [the eighteen years]. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. If the walls could talk maybe we would bemore understanding of one another. I think that I came up in a certain manner that MAKES me acknowledge that everyone has personal battles and demons that maybe they just CAN'T overcome- I have yet to overcome my own. I know I have tried to address some of my issues, but I don't see them ever being resolved, so for a moment in time I know some things are just better left alone and sometimes it's just better to FORGIVE & FORGET!

As If I Didn't Write Enough In Today's First Post!...

Israel Kamakawiwo ole has made me think a lot about life lately. I guess his version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow kind of grew on me when I was at work. Then, after months of hearing it- and then hearing it on a Cheerios commercial(I think it was) I did some research and found out who the artist was. My girl CandASS downloaded it on my thumb drive for me and I have been dowsing myself in the song ever since. I found out Israel died in 97'... he released the song on his album back in 93' and the record company just up and decided to release it as a single in July! The song is some 80 years old, his version is 15 years old and the guy has been dead almost a decade and now- we're just realizing how great he was. I sometimes wonder will this be my fate? Will it be waaaay down the line when I am dead that someone finally realizes my worth?

Man, this song is so damn relaxing and deep. I want people to read my shit right now. I have a lot to say...

It's Been A Long Time, I Shouldn't Have Left You...

Well, where do I start? So much has happened since the last time I wrote in here. I really thought things were over with Big Time, but somehow we got back to talking and things are way different than before. I am actually ready to take things to another level with him, but the fact remains that he does not trust me. For some reason I have picked up on the fact that he believe I have a hidden agenda. There aren't too many things I can do to let him know how much I actually am feeling, and there is only so much more I can take. He hangs up on me and flips out on me for no apparent reason, and every time I hear the slightest apology- all is forgotten and forgiven. I don't know what it is about him, but it's another on of those destined crushes. I always want, what I could never have...

Esco Bar, dude took his rudeness to another level. He wouldn't even confirm me on facebook and when I sent him a note asking if we could "just be friends" he replies almost a month later- no, but I have a dude for you.... blah blah blah. First he wouldn't talk to me because of Maize & Blue, now this little troll who follows me around the club happens to be his boy- which adds on to the impossible task of grabbing his attention. It's been a long time coming, but I think I am done with Esco. Yea, he will always be one of the finest men I know, and after this year he will be one of the most adorn men in the history of OSU, but I can't force someone to see how much I like them- especially when all they force themselves to see is the bad in me.

Then comes my bABY, seems like that is another lost cause. No matter who I choose, low key or high profile- things NEVER work. It's always something. The time is never right. I think we are both just in different parts of our lives. He is much too young for me and now I am kicking myself for even letting me feelings seep in. Life is a bitch!

Who is left? No one really. At this point I am just dating a whole lotta dudes that don't matter. I guess I treat them like they treat me, I don't matter to them. My days are spent in boredom and my nights are spent lonesome. My life sometimes reads like and epic tale- but right now it's just tragic. I don't have any apparent drama with any females (for once), and I actually have a slew of cool chicks to hang around- but that can only do so much.

Funny shit, ATL hit me up from London the other day. I had a feeling it was going to be him when I saw the intl. number in my caller id, and of course he had an ear full for me. He had an excuse for every bitch calling me, he had an excuse for not e-mailing me back after a month, he had excuse on top of excuse. I am a forgiving person though, and I realize people make mistakes and should be forgiven for them when they gain enough courage to fess up and apologize for it. As of now, he did tell me his real age- 26, but the girlfriends and baby mama rumors are still false pretenses according to him?!?! I am not going to worry about it though- all comes to light in the end.

I guess I am learning that people have to do things in their own time. You can't rush them. Sometimes people are not quick to trust (Big Time) because they have been let down in the past(ME!!!). Sometimes people are really just tired (bABY), not with another girl and instead of tripping and making things worse- take the niggas work for it. And sometimes men are loyal (Esco Bar) and instead of trying to change his mind- one should just acknowledge what is honorable about being loyal- which is one of the reasons he is likeable to begin with. No rush we got nothing but time. Sometimes when you step back and be patient- things will work themselves out instead of forcing things- and shit ending up all bad- like it is now!

Skipping along to Polaris- I waited for a year and a half and now finally I think he is coming around- funny thing is I am so over it. 270 and 71 go South and North- that nigga can come see me. I am not even going to give have the regards of picking up my phone- there are so many other niggas I can waste my time with.

More than anything I am learning that I have quite a bit to be happy about. Auntie's Bubble Bee always smiling

or crying when I wake him up to talk to me, lol.
I have a group of chicks that I love hanging with & that show me love!

And even though I hate to admit it, there are SOME men in my life that I am having a blast with... "Pops" not my dad, even though he is old enough to be ;-) CandAss, lol. Either way, he is schooling me just like my Dad does. Just from being with him in the last year I learned that older men are not different than younger boys... they just have better cars (Sittin on that Mercedes, lol) and better real estate. Women have to do the growing up for both parties which is why we have to stay super focused. I just gotta stay focused and get this book written by the end of December. That the most important thing right now and this is the beginning of my career.

Men are crazy ya'll! I guess this is why I was so thoroughly disgusted by my last relationship some? four years ago (almost), that I am just now getting up and dusting myself off, lol. Wow- 2 Aaliyah quotes in one post! Anyhow- one never knows what's in store. Life gets better. I know what it means to be truly happy and I know what it means to be truly sad- and right now I am neither. As I meet more and more people I find- my problems are really nothing.

ONLY PUT OFF UNTIL TOMORROW WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO DIE HAVING LEFT UNDONE

This is what my fortune cookies read to my yesterday & it got me to thinking about life and procrastination. What I am doing to demean my progress by putting things off. I am just doing a shit load of evaluating and self- examination. I am no longer the person I was some three months ago, much has changed. People I thought were my friends, turned out to be like the rest of them. I will say I have picked up quite a few new acquaintances, but one can never know what is going to happen in the next week. All I can say is I am keeping my guard up, watching what the fuck I say to whom and more importantly I am trying real hard to be the friend that people want and need.

I am just starting to realize how important this blog is. If I were to die tomorrow 10's of 100'2 of people who have access to this little preservation of my life that I made. It is not like a picture, or a bad memory that is over ridden by all the GOOD, it's the honest to Yahweh truth. Yet and still, people can still misinterpret. I would hate for my mother to read this blog and conclude that she was a bad mom, even though I feel like she put me through hell both mentally and physically- she is the most important person in my life and if she were taken from me tomorrow- I can't even fathom how I would live another day. I would hate for anyone to One day read this when I am gone and conclude anything negative- because me intent has always been something different.

Things just aren't always what they seem. I am struggling with the fact that I can not have any of the guys I want. Big Time, Aby, Esco Bar, Sean, man- no one. It comes a point when you have to stop pointing fingers and realize, "Maybe it's me!?!?" What is wrong with me, what is it that I do wrong? Am not pretty enough, is my heart to broken? Do I cry to much, am I too outspoken? Didn't I make you laugh, should I try it harder? Why do you see right through me?... then next thing you know you are in a song, the chorus is over, the first verse is entering & tears are all down you face. So I am deciding to stop this now. I am not going to settle- I am just going to set in.

I am setting into my goals. I would love for someone to sweep me off my feet and love me like I have never been loved, but the fact is I am only 23 and got plenty of time to be in love. The reality that strikes me is that I don't have forever to make a success out of myself. Guys stop talking to me because I won't have sex with them, but instead of considering the fate- I just need to realize that someone who isn't willing to wait until I am comfortable is not worth being with me. Yea, my girls may do this and my girls may do that- but what's good for them is not good for me. The girls I rolled with in high school were into things I was not. Man! My two best females friends from high school are both mothers of 3 year olds! My road dog for life is on baby #2. So maybe, just maybe succoming to what the men I like want from me is not such a good idea!

I have plenty of demons riding my back that I am constantly battling. I am not happy with who I am right now, but I am realizing that TODAY is the day to do something about it. When Esco is around I am not going to talk loud and try to get his attention, I am just going to cope with the fact he will NEVER talk to me because of Maize & Blue. Is it his mistake? maybe not, maybe it was just never meant to be. Maybe if I had have been with him it would have caused my life more damage than good, so I am going to learn to leave it be. I have a whole list of things I am not comfortable with leaving the same if I were to die tomorrow. There are people that NEED to know I love them. Old bonds that need to be rekindled. I need to see my nephews face. I need to Sean, just one more time. I need to finish this book. I need to get rid of a lot of baggage that has held me back way too long. I would hate for my parents have to come in my apt. tomorrow and rubbish through painful memories I never got rid of. It's time.

Concluding...

I have come to a conclusion in the last year... there is no way in hell I can change someone's views once their mind is made up. It doesn't matter if it's about religion or their first impressions or misinformation about me. No matter how much you like a person, no matter how sincere you are- there is just a point when you have to give up and move on. He is never going to make a mysterious call confessing that he was wrong all along, she is not going to send an e-mailing apologizing for her disloyalty, it is all up to you to let it go... all the feelings, good or bad.

I can't let things be heavy on my heart anymore. I am sick and tired of being this sincere friend and I am I even more tired of being put on the back burner. There are things that are much more important- and I plan to find them. I am sick of arguing, sick of pleading my case. I won't look back in regret- but you will!

Hypocrite...

I've been thinking about Esco Bar a lot lately. He's just another addition to that list, you know the one I am talking about; the list of all the truly great guys that I have like- but could never have. It's pure agony, because some way or another I see him everyday. It's like Yahweh is teasing me or something. I just can't come to grips with the fact that he will NEVER be mine.

The funny or ironic thing about our situation is the fact that he is a hypocrite. People understood that he made a mistake and people forgave him. Yeah, it seems that every time he makes a brilliant move, there is someone there to bring up the unforgivable past, yet and still that is overridden by his greatness. I wish he has that same virtue. I wish he could hear me out and I wish he could understand that I made a mistake. No matter whether it is my family, an old friend or just a random person- there is ALWAYS someone there to bring up my mistake. But somehow, I am not forgiven. I can not have the man I want and sadly- I can't move on.

In January is will have been four years... four years!!! What is going on with me that it has been four years? What am I doing wrong? I guess I just have a lot of soul searching to do. I just don't have a clue about men. I think I know how to act and what to do, I just act the right way with the wrong man. I need to learn to decipher what the differences are with men and I need to do it soon. I am sick of making decisions for other people- I am finally going to do what's good for me! I am not going to take heed to the judgment of others. I don't care one thinks he is too young, not cute enough, etc. What really matters is how I feel. If I could get back to that moment in the union nearly three years ago, things would be so different now. I was so concerned with what my friends thought. 2003 is far behind me.

More than anything I wish he could see that we're not so different. How can he expect people to forgive him and forget- when he won't even give me the time of day- just a chance?

STR8 TRIPPIN'

I just don't know where my life is going anymore. I've been kind of sad lately and I am not quite sure who there person in the mirror is. Found out a lot of shit about ATL today. Yea, he is another I am definitely writing off indefinitely. What's funny is the fact that I still want to give him a chance to tell his side of the story. What I do know is, he has been deceiving me since the day that I met him back in March. Pure DECEPTION. I am not even mad though. It's a shame that I am so use to disappointment from men, that it doesn't even phase me anymore. Furthermore, I am just sick and tired of disappointing people. My friends, my fam, just in general I am sick of being let down. It's like I can't even love the same way I use to...

I was thinking about something last night- I am 23, and I was thinking about a lot of good memories I have. But what scares me is the possibility that the best part of my life has already happened! I know that makes me sound like a pessimist, but it's really how I feel!

I also got to thinking about "Charge it to the Game!" How through out the last five years I have tried calling him, e-mailing him. I will never forget the last time I saw him during winter break of my freshman year. I was still working at next, and he came in wearing his letterman's jacket and a sling from hurting his arm. Since then, we have exchanged a few e-mails but, that's it. He graduated and moved to California earlier this year. My e-mail address got de activated... so it's official, it's over between us. I will never know what happened- why we aren't friends anymore. I will never know how he felt about me all those years. And what's really crazy is the fact that I will probably never see him again. We will always be on opposite sides of the country. Yeah, our parents are still in Cleveland, but that means nothing. One day, he will die & I will never get to say goodbye. I won't be able to show my respects to his parents. I won't be able to attend his funeral. This happened with Jason, but with Charge it to the Game, it will mean so much more... it will be a deeper pain. I took a lot in life for granted. And what has me trippin' is the fact that these people will never know how I felt!

M.I.A.

I feel like I have posted anything on here in a good long while. A lot has transpired over the last two weeks and I have really become a different person over night. Well, good N.E.W.S. ;-) first. My nephew Ethan was born on September 11, 2006 (Monday)... and he is just a joy. I am really happy to be an aunt and even though it is stressful, I know that this baby is going to change the lives of everyone in my family.

Well, facebook... or someone on facebook pissed my off- because he didn't confirm me? So, I guess I have to take it for "face" value. I am learning to love only the ones who are deserving. I made a mistake where concerning Boston. I think he is someone who should be kept a friend. It is funny that you can converse with someone daily for two years and still misjudge who they are. I honestly thought he was a person who was sensitive and now it seems that he doesn't even care about me sincerely. I am not too upset about it, because he will look back and realize that he messed up a good thing. It is what it is.

ATL's phone was cut off last time I called him. I thought he just fell off the face off the earth without even saying goodbye. With him, it was actually getting to me because I couldn't understand how someone who was so vocal about how they felt about me could just disappear with no regards. Then yesterday I was awakened by his call. The long ass phone number in my phone let me know it was an international call. So, now he went from ATL, to Alabama, to Mexico now he is overseas in London :'-( but somehow- everything between us is still fine. I guess I can finally use all those minutes I have collected on my calling card for the last five years. I never thought they would come in handy b/c I have a cell phone- but international calls are a bitch!

Putting all this aside, I am just mad stressed out. I have been having the craziest dreams and I am not quite sure where my life is headed. I did meet a new "young" man, and we are supposed to hook up tonite for the first time. I think he may be a little too young, but guess I will find out where his head is tonite. Maybe by tomorrow I will like him to much that he will have a code name on here- then again... maybe not.

Big Time!!! I have NO idea what is going on between us. We had a real nice time last week when I was home, but I haven't heard from him since- which could mean many things. Either way, I am done calling and texting. I will hit him up on his birthday next month- but until then, I am done.

I guess I am kind of stressed out and a little restless. I am sick of dealing with men who are so cold. My college career has been nothing but shenanigans of Negroes who couldn't care less about me, which wouldn't be a problem if I didn't care about them in return- but I am not like that. I am really on a quest for love. I will not settle and I will not stop until I find it. I just need to get rid of a lot of baggage in my life...

Roll With The Punches

Sometimes Yahweh will have you see something bad in order to make a change in your life. He will expose you to just enough pain to realize that maybe someone is not a good match for you. That happened to me yesterday. Though, I would be a lie to say I was not still hung up on Polaris, after seeing him at Carlyle last night- I realize that he doesn't respect me like he should. Then there is that Iota nigga I use to talk about a lot. He was making passes at me all night. The funny thing is, I am really over him. He is still cute, he can still dress his ass off, but now- there is just something different about my perspective. I am not mad, I am grateful.

Anyhow, I think ATL left for France and I really didn't get to say goodbye, which is my fault. He called me and texted me like 3 times when I was with Chi-Town the other night. Six months will go by before I know it and if I am lucky- he will send for me like he tried to do in Mexico.... hopefully I can leave the U.S. and get a break from the drama.

After all, seasons change- so do cities. People come into your life and people go. But, its comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart- and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away!
~Carrie Bradshaw Sex & The City

I just know now for a fact that things will always turn in my favor I just have to learn to take the difficult times more gracefully. You know, Roll With The Punches!

Let Me Cater To You... You're So Vain, I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You

It has come to my attention that there are many misconceptions about my blog. Some think it was created to start or fuel drama. Others think it is an underhanded scheme to confront them. Truth be told, this blog is for me and me only. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind folk reading up on me so that they can see what's going on in my life- but the things I write are not meant to be interpreted or judged by anyone other than myself. This disclaimer is not directed towards anyone in particular, but I just wanted to clear some things up in my own mind. Everyone out here thinks that the world revolves around them. Everything I mention in this blog just HAS to be talking about them. Have you ever had the mind to consider that maybe you have a GUILTY CONSCIENCE? When enfact most times I am not talking about you at all! Think about that.

A friend of mine recently told me that she doesn't understand my blog concept because I am just airing my dirty laundry. This is not the truth, I tell of good predicaments I have also. There is nothing wrong with venting, it's healthy! The thing is I AM NOT going to change or discontinue my blog in order to CATER to the two people who are offended by it. There are some cute guys ;-) out there who believe me to be a fabulous writer and think this blog is hilarious. There are some chicks out there who say, "your shit is entertaining as hell." So, should I stop writing and speaking my mind in order to CATER to the few persons who are so self conscious that they think I am writing about them? I think not!

It's cool to mend broken pieces and it is sometimes even better to "salvage" relationships, but some things are better left alone. I am just sick and tired of being the better person, I am sick of being stripped of reciprocity, and I done with people not meeting me half way. There is no way in hell I am going to keep apologizing when I was not the only one in the wrong. I know my faults- I acknowledge my infirmities, but I am also a Taurus and I am stubborn down to the last drop. Don't be a fool, I DO NOT HOLD "GRUDGES," I am just at the point in my life where I am a no nonsense type of individual. I am sick of drama and I am sick of being involved in other people's drama! I don't have a man, I don't have any kids, I am not going through any mental family issues with my family at the moment, and as far as other females are concerned- I have plenty of peeps to chill with and relate to. There is no reason for me to be concerned with someone's baby daddy troubles. There is not point for me sitting around hearing someone BASH other females- then roll with them, what for? I am not getting involved with any of that shit anymore, I am staying to me- and that's it.

The fact will remain, that I am all about self. I spent two decades of putting other people first, now it is me time. Hell no I am not going to sensor my blog. Hell no I am not going to be overly tactive or consider what others think about what I have to say, because people are always going to think what they want to think . People are always going to find a way to twist your words, no matter what you do. There is always going to be drama; even when you're lying at home sleep in your bed, someone across town will be accusing you of some thing. I will not CATER to anyone other than myself in this blog, plain and simply- that is not up for discussion. You're So Vain, I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You!

Don't You?

I Couldn't Care Less

Friends, what are friends really? Just another word for disguised foes! I learned this at a young age, and nothing has changed. This will be about my fifth time stating this on my blog (yes, I've been counting), but I have no sense of loyalty to any female outside my bloodline! That's real! It's amazing how people want you to do so much for them, but as soon as you pay their shady ways back on them- they can't handle the heat. Some need to take their OWN advice, and look in the mirror!

Another thing I realize about myself recently is that I like a little bit of drama in my relationships. "A soul that hasn't been tested isn't worth a tinkers damn." I can tell a lot about a person by how the treat me when we fall out. The guys who are still nice and speak in passing, those are the ones who are mature and maybe I should think twice about our falling out. But the little immature bastards who resolve to calling damaged goods (I guess that's a cowards way of calling someone a hoe), and lashing out- proves nothing except for the fact that they are CRAZY! And, if you didn't know your code name, there it is- CRAZY.

The fact will always remain that I am a good woman. I carry myself well, I pay my own bills, I am putting myself through college (no matter how long it take :-/), I am a great friend and most importantly- I love who I am. This is why I KNOW bitches are jealous of me and this is why niggas start getting even more CRAZY when I am not giving them any play. I don't put myself out there and contrary to not so popular belief I am not a hoe. I am very sincere about everything I do. I guess this is why having friends never really was never a big issue to me. I am happy with just being a good person in general. I know some people see that in me & appreciate me, while other choose to be jealous instead. I know longer get mad at fall outs, because most people really don't matter, most people's opinions are SHIT to me, and most people don't really care about or love me deep down inside... so, I Couldn't Care Less!!!

It's Whatever!

I am starting to realize that you can't make anyone happy except yourself. It's always going to be something, some factor, some comment that someone takes the wrong way. There are always going to be those people who don't like you. There are always going to be people you don't like. Either way, the most we can do is focus on what we need out of life in order to be happy. No matter what toes we have to step on and what cost we have to pay, if you are happy at the end of the night- that's all that really matters.

This blog is starting to cause me so much drama. Random ass folk making comments about my posts & ethnicity? Random ass niggas getting offended because I say what I feel about them? The thing is, I am not on here for anyone satisfaction but my own. If you can't stand the heat get the fuck out the kitchen. If you don't want to read what I have to say- it's so simple to refrain from clicking on my profile's link. Are you serious?

Right now I am not going to be angry about anything. I had a great time and met some really nice women on Saturday. It is kind of hard to meet nice females to roll with at OSU, but I just did and I am really ecstatic about that. Celeste will be a married woman by the end of the week and Elise will be a mother by the end of next week. I am not going to let anybody or anything ruin that for me. I have been kicking it with a couple of cool dudes in CO, which are helping me with being homesick from Big Time. And that's all folks! I am sick of biting my tongue- fuck it!

People are always going to talk bad about me. Bitches are always going to start rumors about me. Niggas will always lie on their dicks. That's the way of the world. If you people don't know by now, I have learned to live with it- if I hadn't I would have killed myself a loooon time ago. I've just been sitting back and ruminating over the past decade. I was at Kirk Middle School ten years ago. The people I cared about then, the people I cared about at Shaw, even some of the people I cared about at OSU are gone from my mind- a distant memory. I am not about to stress myself out about people who I probably won't be in my life a year from now. I am definitely not going to stress myself out over people who I will probably never see again in my life! I am by no means a child, I do what grown folk do. I don't vandalize cars and I don't need to belittle others- and when I do, I don't get super offended when they do the same in return! I am me, inside and out- take it or leave it. I know who I am and I know what I need and want out of life... if you are reading this and find yourself enraged or guilty- then maybe you need to reevaluate your life, because it's whatever. You know where to find me!

My Mom Always Tells Me This Story...

About when I was a little girl and how sweet I was. She tells me that, even as a child I was a really good friend, and she would watch other children mistreat me (one in particular- who will be married next week) and it would piss her off. She said one night she decided to talk to me about it, but when I responded I began crying and told her that she was going to make me think that I didn't have any friends. She said at that point she never brought it up again. Well, now it's 2006 and I call her a lot and mention different acquaintances. It is only a matter of time before I am calling with news about how the bitches have betrayed me. In many ways I am still that same gullible heart felt little girl, but over the years I have wised up. I know the difference between my girl and my friends.

I am not the one to swing the word "friend" around lightly. No, by no means is my sincerity in question- but, I often wonder how phony the company I keep is. Who is talking beind my back, who is jealous- no! envious of me (because we all know Yahweh is jealous... the real meaning of the word states that one who is jealous is worthy of praise, and these bitches ain't worth of anything), who should I trust.

"Never have any friends less than yourself!"

When you roll with bitches you have to watch them closer than you watch you enemies. It's always the ones closest to you who have to undermined scheme. I guess this is why I have been hurt more by the people who I care for rather than elsewhere.

There are a lot of things my mother told me. There are a lot of things she still tells me. Some have come to past, some I acknowledge, so I rebel against- but all are probably true. I am becoming more of a woman everyday and I am proud of that. I am learning that there are less and less people I can count on, but I am blessed to have the ones who are permanent. Life is constantly progressing. A month from now life as I have known it will be COMPLETELY different. Celestial will be married and most importantly Elise will be a mother. I just hope that she will be half of the mother that our mom has been to us. She did some fucked up shit when we were coming up, but her good has ALWAYS outweighed her bad. And, more than anything I hope that I will be able to express to my mother what she has been to me... my everything. And though I hurry her off the phone here, and start an argument with her there nothing will change the fact that the most repeated line in my vocabulary is My Mom Says....

My Jason Dorsey

Rest In Peace my love. I'll see you when I get there homie!
August 24, 1982- April 17, 2003

Cutting The Grass

I think it's amazing how niggas claim to be "grown men," but at the end of the night they're just as petty and ignorant as these dead beats on the corner! One can talk and talk and talk to a nigga about respect until their ears fall off, but none of that will matter because they will still do the same dumb shit that makes you not take them seriously to begin with.

I was cool with this nigga who claims he wants me to be his woman?... yet, he is fucking a girl I roll with? Bad for business. Then we converse and dissect some shit, and he runs back and tells his boy? He tells his boy I am hating on him? He tells his boy not to talk to my friend I am hooked him up with? So, what the fuck is this niggas logic? You think making your nigga not like me and making one of my closest friends pissed off at me is going to make me take you under consideration? SAVE THAT SHIT FOR THE BIRDS!

See L. ain't got to hate on anyone. I am comfortable in my skin and the more I live the more I realize that if I question how real a nigga is from the jump- I prolly shouldn't trust him. I was right my sophomore year and no matter what piece of paper he got, what job he claims, which house he bought- he is still the same old nigga claiming to be a grown man. The funny thing is, grown men don't act in that manner. What happens between us, stays between us! The reason I know so much about a REAL man is because I lived with one for 18 years.

I am not fool. I said it before and I will say it again, I may portray the facade of a dumb blonde, but I couldn't be farther from it. I know who my real friends are (none of which anyone reading knows), I know who really is down for me & cares about me, and lastly, I know what niggas is just after their own profit- bitches too! I take care of me first in any situation. I don't care enough to stress about anyone outside my blood line other than Derrick. So, if you're wondering- keep it moving. There is only one I will change or repent for, he already knows my heart so their is no need. As far as you sneaky ass serpents... I been cutting the grass!!!