Get Yo' Weight Up!

First and foremost I have been thinking about how much effort and energy it takes to hate on a person. You have to check aim, read blogs, make calls- man hopefully haters' internet is free and they have unlimited minutes because hating can also be costly. All I know is if haters put half the effort that they do hating into their appearance and personality- maybe they wouldn't have to HATE.

I was born with logic that if I wanted someone or something, I would have to better myself to get to that objective, you know- step my game up. It has never crossed my mind to pull someone else down or have the standards lowered so that maybe I could get some airtime. I guess this is why I am so confused at how much bitches hate. I guess it is what it is.

And I'll tell you something else... skinny has never been "in" especially outside of the White community. Yes, fit is in- but the only time skin and bone is hot is when you're smoking out of a crack pipe. If you find yourself looking like Whitney Houston and you hating like Bill O'Reiley it's time for you to consult help. Get yo' weight up BITCH!

The One

Okay, I was going super crazy all week because stupid Columbus State dropped all of my classes. I got two back and I just learned today that I may possibly get the last back also. What is even funnier is that I was freaked out for nothing because Columbus State (unlike OSU) hasn't started classes yet. I was going along this whole time thinking that classes had started this Monday, when they don't start until the 26th! Silly me!

I said all that to say, that sometimes- things and people aren't what they seem. Situations are all different and one should deal with each situation on a case to case basis. I know I tend to jump face first into romances and get caught up, but I am seeing that the man I may be looking for and the man who is for me, may not be one in the same. Right now I am getting to know a man with no strings attatched. He is not asking anyone about me and I am not asking anyone about him. He is adult enough to communicate with me and I admire that so much.

I have so much on my plate right now, school starts next week, I am trying to get this 2nd job at Delphi and more than anything I am learning to let "things" happen in their own sweet time. Like I once said before in one of my other posts, my Dad is always telling me, "Slow down!" and I am finally taking heed. Just like I was so sure school started on Monday and lately I've been so sure about what I want in a man and more specifically who I want, I am SEEING The One may be someone I never SAW before

Coincidence? I Think Not!

No thing is left to chance, there is no real thing such as conscience- preordained... predetermined... it is already written. People can lie, twist the truth, withhold information- whatever... the truth always comes out, the truth ALWAYS prevails!

Yesterday evening, for the first time in a long time I went out on a date with someone I actually wanted to be with. It was not just another free dinner, I was chilling with a person who was definitely good company. All that is beside the point, I had a very bad day yesterday (i.e. Columbus State dropped all my classes- for reasons yet to be explained so now that prolongs my stay in Columbus another quarter) and my friend offered to take me out when and where ever I wanted to go. I don't like Apple Bees- and I usually don't eat late- but it was meant for me to go there at that time, and it was meant for me to see a "familiar" couple there, and I wasn't even mad.

The thing is, people hate on me because deep down inside they hate themselves. They realize that they are so inadequate that they MUST try to bring me down in order to accomplish their measly goals and aspirations. Why do people lie?

"A lie would have no sense unless the truth were felt as dangerous." ~Alfred Adler

I think people lie because they are too embarrassed and ashamed to face the truth. What I know for a fact is I am grateful my savior made me happy enough with who I am that I will never have to hate on another girl to get a man I want and furthermore I pray that he won't punish me like he has my hater- she is now barking up a tree- the wrong tree. She is chasing someone who denied being with her? Lol, a mess is a mess- that's all I can say.

What I have brought from this experience is to- KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT! I will never again let a hater so easily get a hold of information they can use against me. I will never again be straight up with a guy who is questionable to begin with. It's not worth it. The drama is not worth it. The is why I deactivated my facebook account. Besides, there are a lot of great guys on campus- I am learning that sometimes I just pick the wrong ones. Someone who won't give me the time of day because I was cool with his room mate years ago? Someone who won't give me the time of day because I was once dated a teammate of his before they knew each other and before he and I knew each other? Someone who won't give me the time of day because he was dumb enough to believe the word of a lying hating bitch when she said I was after his line bruh? Nonsense! Like I said before- my judgment has been wrong in the past- and my luck has lied in good men finding me- even when I couldn't find them.

Things happen for a reason. Some people hate on you and smile in your face then so quickly stab you in your back!...

QUOTE

She just hangs with us when her other friends aren't around

END QUOTE

The people I keep in my company I do genuinely care about. They may not be my friends- but I am not a heartless bitch. It's just good to know that people talk- people gossip- niggas come running and tell me EVERYTHING thats said about me! I'm not mad and my feelings can't change about anyone no matter what the have done to me, at most I have pity for them! Satan can't help who he is. That was all defined in the Day Of Eternity.

Happy Birthday to my Polaris. We started a new chapter a week ago, things seem different this time around- I just hope that maybe in the end I will have at least gained a friend from Columbus that I will always know!

I DRANK...

I'm supposed to stop but I can't!

Man, it's official, I think I need to quit drinking for real! From here on out Social Drinking only on special occasions. Well, no- not even then seeing that I partied from 3pm-3am celebrating my friend Nikeya's Son's first birthday, Felicia's 24th & Scott's 26th. I had so much fun yesterday, it should be illegal. We ate and DRANK at Spice from 7-10pm, hit up a couple of bars in the Arena Dist. before heading over to cove round' 11:45. This is when I realized- either I am becoming a light weight or I have out grown this drinking shit! I guess the reality sank in today at 6am when I woke up in my bed. The things is, I specifically remember falling asleep on the living room couch??? Since Erin is gone for the weekend, and to date I have always remembered coming in my room (no matter how drunk or sick I've been) this shit is really bothering me. Was I that gone that I can't remember my last foot steps? CRAZY!

Well, school starts back for me tomorrow and I am mad nervous. From here on out there is no more fucking up for me. No more games, no more parties, no more drinking. School, work and studying are my new hobbies and I am going to strive to do the best in all three.

I guess it's good to say that my love life is bordering non existent. Right now I have no distractions and though I do like the company and conversation of a gentlemen here and there I am also realizing that they are a waste of time and gas. Most of these dudes don't have cars, aren't in walking distance and even further I CAN WATCH A MOVIE BY MY DAMN SELF.

It's Father's Day & my parents will be back through Columbus this evening. Since I got rid of all incriminating materials when they came through on Friday on their way to Kentucky- no I can focus on maybe cooking for them & doing some nice things so that they can be honored on their way back through.

For a long time I was unhappy... I still have a bad attitude by all means, but lately I have been feeling GREAT. And now that my homie will be in town from the NFL, things may be "better". We'll see though. I keep swearing off niggas- then next thing I know, I'm back- it's the same way with liquor... but for real this time!

Life Goes On

"When you're up it's never as good as it seems & when you're down you never think you're going to be up again...but, life goes on." ~Fred Jung Blow

It take a person with great character to enjoy the moment in the midst of their sorrows- and I aspire to one day be that person. I am proud to say that I did do it the other night while chilling with Polaris. Not for a moment did I think about the past, how he treated me- what we'd been through in the last few months, all I did was chill and be happy that we were enjoying each other's company. We're living in a world where both men and women can be quite vicious- but instead I am focusing on the softer more welcoming side of people's personalities. The fact is- people can consistently hold up a phony facade that couldn't be farther from the truth and this was confirmed to me again Tuesday evening.

A friend of mine asked me to sleep with him the other night. A nigga looking for sex will never be a new story- but it's just so funny that he has a "wifey"- a "wifey" who he has convinced (along with his friends and other surrounding onlookers) that I am after him. He has his bitch looking at me like I am trying to steal her man. He has his boys saying things to me like, "At this point, you NEED me to get him to fuck with you."All these niggas on campus look up to him, all these bitches on campus want a piece of him and I am neither. I am not going to focus on the fact that he played me to his girl & his boy & made me out to be this desperate stalker- I am going to smile at the fact that he and I both know the truth! I likeD him he likes me, he wantS me and now I am not looking for the "DRAMA" (lmao)!

You would think people would graduate and grow up a little, but niggas are playing the same old games. Still trying to fuck the same girl you didn't in undergrad, still running that same game you did in high school. When do niggas grow up? When does life go on? As for me- I have yet to receive my degree and STILL I'M not on the bullshit. The other day I told my boy who plays for the same NFL team as "Maize & Blue" that I still believe I could have him back. He insisted that I elaborate- but I decided that it wasn't important to list facts because I DON'T & NEVER WILL want him back. Of course the nigga went on to say, "He just had another baby. He is about to marry his baby's mom. He definitely ain't on you. Etc. Etc." But the fact is... he still hasn't gotten that tattoo removed!

Music Break...

I'm bossy

I'm the first girl to scream on a track

I switched up the beat of the drum

That's right i brought all the boys to the yard

And that's right, I'M THE ONE THAT'S TATTOOED ON HIS ARM

I'm bossy (Kelis)

Back to the regularly scheduled programming...

And what's even more amusing to me is the fact that after this "CHILDish" nigga hits me up about "Maize & Blue", telling me about him bad mouthing me, insisting that I could NEVER get him back- "Maize & Blue" starts texting me again! It's funny that a man could have the whole world convinced that I treated him wrong and that I had a bad attitude, when the fact remains that I was the BEST thing that ever happened to him and HE is STILL in love with me. Why front? I always put him first, I stood for a whole lot of "DRAMA" and bullshit, I did nothing but love him! Now he got a bitch who was smart enough to have a baby by him right before he signed his contract. He got a bitch who doesn't really love him, she was just trying to birth her meal ticket. He got a bitch who is not trying to build a life with him, who is not trying to have a real family with him- but she is so hot to get HER TUBES TIED because she knows she has trapped enough to have her bills paid for life now, lmao! All that doesn't matter though, my question is this, why are both you niggas having success and living a life long dream of playing for the NFL yet YOU still find a way to bad mouth me and YOU find a way to be "CHILDish" and instigate? When do niggas grow up? When does life go on?

All I know is this, I have done some things in my time that make me want to cover up my face and go hide under a rock! But, when it comes down to it I KNOW the good in me out weights the bad. I have forgiven myself for the terrible things I may have done in the past and I am praying that Yahweh will cause me to do much more positive things. It just comes down to this, I am GROWN. I know people are going to continue to bad mouth me, but I will not let a little "CHILDish" birdie influence me to harbor unrighteous thoughts. Erin once told me, "It is hard to believe the good things people try to tell you about yourself, but it's takes a hater to point out the things that are really good in your life." And I have found that statement to be true- many times over. People dog my attitude, the way I dress, MY RELIGION, man the list goes on- but these are all the things that are right in my life. I am not going to let anyone drag me down by negativity. Like I mentioned in the beginning, I am focusing on the moment and the positive things. No more wondering about Sean Coffey, no more wondering about where my homie Dave Whitted has been in the last 7 years, no more wondering about what life would have been like with Jason Dorsey still on Earth. The thing is, I have many other men in my life who will do me better than he ever did, he has been MIA for 7 years but Derrick has been here for 11 and though he is with my heavenly father- I got plenty of dudes I rekindled flames with that have gone ALL BAD... so I won't worry about the past because life goes on. I am a good woman and one day a good man and good friends will find me...

"How many brothas fell victim to the streets
Rest in peace young nigga, there's a heaven for a G
be a lie if I told you that I never thought of death
my niggas, we the last ones left,

but LIFE GOES ON..." (2Pac)

A Day Late- Dollar Short!

Good things come to those who wait. I waited waited waited- then I gave up. Now by "some" circumstances not certain to myself, he seems to be acting right? Even though I still like him so, I didn't get his "call" until AFTER I had already moved on- or, moved backwards rather. After a five month hiatus I am talking back to Polaris. Things seems DIFFERENT this time, as they always do in the beginning- but I am definitely interested to see where this is going.

Polaris is my type of nigga by far... while the man who is "late" was NEVER my type. My girl Nikeya was telling me the other day that maybe I need to venture outside of the men I usually deal with, then maybe I will find the one for me? I gave it a couple tries- & men are all the same whether they are my type or not. So, now I am just going to go with the flow. It's summer, I start classes in six days, I have an interview for a second job on Thursday and I want to start studying for my LSATs ASAP!. I've began writing a new chapter with an old friend and though I have liked and given up on a certain man- I am leaving my options open. NFL will be in CO on Sunday, ATL is buying my ticket to Mexico here shortly- so I don't know what the future holds. I can say one thing- Polaris was right on time and if he opens my heart again- all these "other factors" can forget about it, because they are a day late dollar short!

In Love With A Man I Can Not Have?...

Why do I always shit where I eat? I am for real this time, I've learned my lesson. Yes, I still don't see the fault in talking to two friends at one time or one after the other if it was nothing serious, but I al realizing I always make the wrong choice. And every time , I don't get to have the man I want. This time is no different from the others, but this time my feelings are so much deeper- & I don't even get to express them.

Last night he told me "the situation is too hairy," what the fuck does that mean. He thinks I am hot as fuck- but it's not even like that. When I was walking up to him, so random nigga grabs my arm & it looks like he was someone I was talking to, but truth be told he was just some dude trying to holla- but Esco ain't hearing it though. Then as we're talking outside of Cove, his boys walks up and calls me by name "Lindsay" and claims we use to be cool back in the day! Niggas just be hating. He claim he met me when I use to work at FOOTLOCKER?!?!- NEVER worked there in my life. He was just some groupie nigga who was porbably always in my face and learned my name from one of his boys. Let Esco tell it, it's just another example of me being hot! He need to step up and realize I DON'T LOVE THESE HOES!

I think I am going to hit up Maize & Blue, I think we need to discuss why he has been bad mouthing me for the last three years when he is the one who did ME wrong. & Most importantly I need to know why I can't have Esco Bar, & if it really makes a difference to him if me & his boy get at each other. What's the purpose?

Same Old Shit Dog Just A Different Day

Okay, I talked to an old acquaintance today and talking to him did nothing but pull up a whole lot of old drama from my past. His first text was informing me that Maize & Blue will now be playing for the Patriots with him :-( next was just throwing a whole lot of shit from my past in my face. I am sure Maize & Blue has a mouth full of bullshit to tell everyone, but the fact will remain that I treated him like gold and in turn he treated me like shit! So, I ended it!

It seems like my old acquaintance has a problem with how I cut him out of my life and says that I have a behavior and reputation of doing this with many people. I come of as very conceited and hold my self in too high of an esteem? You got to be kidding me? So what the fuck am I supposed to do, let someone run over me & continue to lay there while they shift to reverse? My thoughts are that if someone does me wrong I am not going to give them the chance to do it again! I am cutting them off and they are dead to me! Secondly, yes I do think very highly of myself but I also hold others in highER esteem than I.

In the last five years of my life there is one thing that I am certain of, no matter what you do or say someone is going to have a problem with you. You can be the most pleasant and pure person in the world, yet someone will find fault in what you are doing. One has to be a fool to think I am going to speak to them when we aren't cool.... WHAT FOR YOU FUCKING IDIOT! One has to be even more foolish to believe just because MANY people say the same thing about me- that it's true. Even if I do to you what many say I do to them, it's still not true. If I had a nickel for every rekindled friendship that was bruised by someone taking something the wrong way. Just last Saturday ANOTHER female told me that she wished we had been friends sooner and that she should not have listened to a "certain" persons image of me.

I am very comfortable in my skin right now. I know who I am, I know who I want to become, and I know the roads I have to take to get there. I am not worried with the people I have fallen out with I am only concerned with the people I am friends with. I am not concerned with old niggas "I" broke up with(i.e. Maize & Blue), I am only concerned with ATL.

People, continue to bad mouth me- those who are real can see right through that. If I am so conceited, if I am such a bitch, if I am all these negative things- why do so many people continue to befriend me, why do so many people come to me for advice, and the most important question you should ask yourself is, why do you think and talk about me so much? Grow up!

This Week Was Phenomenal...

Until Today :-(

Well, my Roya Lee GRADUATED from Reynoldsburg Senior High School on Wednesday June 5, 2005!!! I am so proud of her!

But then today I spilled BLEACH on my colored clothes. Oh and they couldn't be the free t-shirts I wear around the apartment, no; they had to be my dress clothes from Express. It's alright though, once I get this new job on Monday- I will be able to go buy some new ones! Then again it still sucks because I will have to dress up at the new job, so those clothes could have come in handy! Oh well.

Lately I have been thinking about rekindling an old flame. I know "Chi-Town" would kill me for saying this, seeing that it was a mere few months ago when I swore "Polaris" off for life- but things change- feelings change. I know we had a lot of bad blood between us, but I am hoping that this time around things will be different because I am a completely different person. I am sure he has not change much, but I can not be too concerned with what he is doing with his life.

The thing about men is that they're just as complicated as women- just in a different sense. As soon as you make an ultimatum, show too much emotion, try to "trap them", etc. they run! Where women would wake up and realize that maybe this is the man for them, men get scarred and convinced them selves otherwise. So, I am learning to stop expecting so much out of men- especially when they were never made to act the way I want them to. What I am going to do now is be more focused on enjoying the moment. I am always so stressed out about the future and preserving things- that I forget what is most important... MY LIFE AT THIS VERY MOMENT!

From here on out, I am not going to let ANYONE pressure me affirmatively or negatively. I am my own person. I am not going to let comments from my enemies or from men that I like pursue me to do anything I am not comfortable with. I may be viewed as a lame- but the same lame I am now- was the one I was @ Shaw High, & being this lame got me out of High School with out a child. One more year down & being this lame will get me out of Undergrad. I have to live with what I do, & I am wise to learn from my friends' mistakes. I won't be the one on the table getting an abortion or treated for STD's. My GOD! These are the lips I will be kissing my nephew with- I am at peace knowing who I am and that I can be counted on. And further, I am at peace knowing that the man who is lucky enough to be with me one day will be proud that he has someone intelligent enough to not to have been with every nigga on the block.

People will make you feel bad for your wrong decisions and people will make you feel even worse about your good ones. Just remember to do what's good for you and to take care of yourself FIRST! In the END, no one else really matters.

Maybe I Am Living In A Fantasy....

But I am looking for a man who can make it a reality. I am sick of settling and I am ever more sick of expecting certain guys to be men they were never meant to be. So, I am going to take a little bit of the advice I was giving Aric today and make myself a better person. It's something like the age old concept...

If you build it, they will come.

We have to always be ready! We have to be prepared with our "oil in our lamps" (like in the old testament) having wishful thinking so when the husbandman does come, we are on our feet. I could continue all day about how things in my life aren't what I wish they were, but things in my life ARE RIGHT. My life is what Yahweh willed it to be. They is they way it is supposed to be an rather than complaining about the bad I am going to appreciate the good.

"Are you going to complain because roses have thorns? Or are you going to rejoice because thorns have roses?" ~Ziggy

I am just looking at other peoples lives with judgment lately and I realize how lucky I am to have the EYES to SEE a good thing. Though people try to make negative out of everything I do and am, I will continue to see the good in people. While people are letting me pass them by I feel lucky that I know I am a good person. I am thankful for the friends I can give advice to (Aric) because in giving advice to others I am also learning about myself and growing as a person.

I just hope that I make the right decisions in the near future. I hope that I can get out of school next Spring... Summer at the latest and get into Law School. I am starting to realize that maybe I shouldn't be looking for love in Ohio or Ohio State rather because this time next year it would only be a stepping stone holding me back from where I need to be. I just need to find someone who is on the same page as me; a business minded individual who is not about games and is adult enough to communicate. Just a guy with an open mind and an open heart. Lately, I have been focusing on appearance to much. Just because a guy looks cute, has a nice body, or has a little bit of style does not mean that his spirit is comparable. People are not always who they seem.

I love that I have rumors going around that I am a hoe. I love that people see how I dress and assume I am shallow. I love that some believe I have the spirit of a dumb blonde. Even though all of this couldn't be further from the truth it just aids in weeding out the people who aren't open minded enough to find out themselves. As a small child I learned this from the I.D.M.R. that you can not take anyone's word for anything, you have to find out for yourself. Only those who are willing to find out about me themselves are worthy enough to be my friends.

I don't know know what's going to happen this summer, I just hope that Yahweh allows things to work out. Just maybe ATL is the one for me. He is the only one who is stepping up to the plate- & I LOVE his form. I can't dwell on OTHERS anymore, I can't dwell on the past. I could spend all day speaking of the negative or five minutes on the positive. I know the ball is in my court- I just don't know if I should make this fantasy a reality. I just don't know if I should drop all my feelings for OTHERS & make this thing official.

Drama

Okay, I guess I have drama now with some random Amazon looking dyke? Well- whatever, I really AM NOT on it @ all. I am 23 & I will be damned if I go to jail over fighting some hoe. I promise myself that if I EVER go down it will at least be for attempted murder. So, it is what it is.

Secondly, I am sick of being hated on by this same girl. I noticed she hasn't been to my blog in a couple of days, I guess that's because she got all the material she needed from it in order to hate on me. Well- her attempt was successful. I guess when you are dealing with gullible young men whom are easily persuaded- it not hard to push their buttons. All I have to say is one should never assume what they hear about me is true. From what this nasty pussy eating dyke says- I am a rat and have a "red alert" reputation on campus... when I have never been with ANYONE on campus ever? Dumb bitch! She fucked my Iota nigga within five minutes of meeting him. Little did she know I set her out to him. When she told me she was interested, I left the room & told him to try & fuck- 15 minutes later, after they had just met- DONE DEAL, lmao! So really, who is the rat? My point is this- people who believe everything they hear in 2006 are too ignorant for me to even befriend. If you want to know about Lindsay, why not ask Lindsay? Don't hit me with accusations and shenanigans!

Like I said, these niggas and bitches need to realize that they WILL miss me & they WILL need me before I will EVER need them! I have transportation, I have job which aids me in paying bills, I have an apt. where I lay my head EVERY night, I have two best friends who think the world of me, the list goes on. You will never hear me asking anyone to pay my way in the club (other than Howards, lmao!) (who is the one who got your ragedy ass in COVE when they stopped you at the door?), you will never hear me asking you to wait on me for the club- Boo, I got to a ride. ME! & my car has NEVER broken down, even so I got what we call a sister with a car!

Rumors? Drama? I feed off that shit. Desperation? Because I am aggressive towards men? Well I'd rather be aggressive towards a man than eating another bitches pussy any day! So, call me desperate. Sloppy? You're crazy, no matter how big you want to claim I am- MY BODY IS SICK! I have more than tits I have more than ass, I have a curve in my back that makes many men weak in their knees. So, keep it moving!

Look, okay you want the two Iotas? Take em! You got em! No need to hate! Because if I knew from the beginning that I was dealing with some niggas that don't give me the courtesy of hearing the truth from my mouth- I would have never been interested.

For those that DON'T like me...I could give a fuck! They didn't like Yahshua the Messiah either when they nailed him to the cross and castrated him... but you know what... they remembered his name!


"0% tolerance for any nigga, bitch, or any bitch and they nigga or, any nigga and they bitch or any bitch ass niggas!" ~Nikki


Fuck you dyke! Fuck you hater! Fuck those that believe everything you hear! Truth be told your girl L. would never do ya'll dirty like you do her!

Two Sets Of Fifty...

Three times a day will get my abs back to where I need the to be, lol. This week has been good so far! Sometimes it's better to improve one's self rather than hate on others. The time and energy spent hating only takes away from time your could be using to indirectly love yourself. Well, that's where I am right now- SELF IMPROVEMENT. I am going to continue to use this blog for my many reasons... majorly to vent, to continue to improve my writing skills (because a year from now that will be my bread and butter), and also to help with my communication problems. As I continue to grow as a person, so will this blog, love it or leave it!

More and more everyday I am realizing that my communication problems are a lot more severe than I thought before. No matter how hard I try to express myself to others, I am not taken seriously and am set on that back burner- and I am sick of it. Some think I am running game, others think I am lying, but truth be told I am serious about everything I do. I know it's said that...

"If you can do a half- assed job of anything, you're a one- eyed man in the kindom of the blind" ~Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

and though I sometimes view myself as a "Jack of all trades" I never do a half assed job- I always give my all. No matter if it be my friendships, my job @ Nordstrom :-/ telling a man how I feel about him, or getting dressed in the afternoon- I never say what I don't mean and I never do what I don't feel. That's the truth about it.

I guess I can't worry about spilt milk, H2O under a bridge... those who like me like me, those who don't won't! I have to live with that. I am just going to continue to progress and give my all to everything. I am back in school, I found a new job, didn't get that man I was looking for (as of yet), all that's left (and is under my own control) is finding a new apt. and getting into shape. FOUR days down... Two Sets of Fifty (100), 3 times a day(morning, noon, & night). That means I give 100% into what I say and do MORNING, NOON & NIGHT. I swear to "God" & I put that on my life.

I've Got The Internet Going Nuts ;-)

Compromise

The worse situation to be involved in in-any relationship is when someone won't meet you half way. Whether is be a courtship or merely a friendship, everyone is looking for reciprocity. In 2006 I have heard so many people (both male and female) say that they want someone who is up front and honest with them, but I am finding more and more... that's not what we're really looking for. What we want is someone who is going to sugar coat, bend the truth, play games, etc. Well, I've been down that road many times before and I would rather take the road less traveled- DRAMA FREE.

Why is it that I am willing to sacrifice my pride among other things to gain the interest of someone who quote ain't got time end quote and views me as a begin quote sketchy situation end quote? It has to be much more than feelings of like that have me pining over someone who won't give me any act right and is not willing to compromise at all in order to get close to me. I know later down the line he will realize what he passed up, but I am so sick of that predicament. I am so sick of having feelings for men, (men that could see- but CHOOSE not to see what I have to offer) then they end up coming back to me months or years down the line proclaiming that they made a mistake in passing me up. Fuck that shit! I like you now, you like me now... we should not let anything get in between that. Not some hating bitch who is your ex lover, and not someone who claims to like me but doesn't even step his game up or come around. What for?

All I know is that I would never compromise what we have or what we could develop into. Yea, I may converse with someone, but when did "talking" become illegal. I guess I didn't get that memo. I just see now, you can't have good intent in this cold ass world. You can't treat Black men like kings, you can't have basic friendships and be "sweet on niggas" because it counts for NOTHING! I will not and I can not turn into that woman who doesn't know how to treat a real man, because that's not me. I just hope that the next time I fall in like with a MAN, he is someone who believes me when I say I wouldn't compromise what I want between us over someone who I have luke warm feelings for...


(Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love. Right?)


and that maybe I will have someone who is willing to meet me half way, willing to compromise.

Some Say Love Is A Thing One CAN'T Put Their Hand On...

I CAN'T Agree Because I've Had My Arms Wrapped Around It!

Man, lately I have had a lot on my mind, like really examining the way a treat people- especially those that mean the most to me.

I am a very caring person by nature, but when it comes down to it there are very few that I can call my true blues. I have found that sometimes family members- the one who are supposed to be my constants, aren't always who they should be or seem to be. I am also finding that "falling out" with people is not a personal problem of my own, some people are just meant to be around for a certain time.

Just when Dalana walked out of my life... along came Derrick.


Just when Kim walked out of my life... along came Nikki.












We just need to acknowledge that Yahweh has a better plan. His plan may not cause for us to ALWAYS be cool with everyone at all times. His plan may not cause for us to be happy physically. And more times than less, he will not cause for our eyes to opened and he will not let us in on his plan. This is the way of life.

We need to realize that when we are up close and personal with our problems they look a mess...

and we just can't fathom/comprehend why he would put these "mountains" in our lives. We may not realize that problems are there to make us better people, to make us appreciate the beauty later on in "LIFE". It's like a Monet, if we take a few steps back, we will see that those problems, were indeed something

WONDERFUL!

we were just looking at it from our own perspective instead of [his].

FALL BACK BREATH EASY!

Feeding The Fire

At times I feel like I am literally in a hell of my own making. Sometimes I know people have ill intent before I even give them the chance to act it out, yet I walk right into the trap. I let people (men more times than not) wheel me in with their bait. This fact leads me to believe that maybe I like a little bit of drama and pain, better yet I love little! Who knows why I do and who knows if I will ever get hurt enough to learn my lesson, but when a time like this comes along- when I am just evaluating my past- I have no choice but to acknowledge it.

These games we play are going to get us into trouble. We all claim to be on some grown and sexy shit, but we all have subtle tricks we think will help us catch someone's eye; not calling too much... because the "heart grows fonder", openly flirting with someone of the opposite sex while the person we really want to be with is in eye's shot, finding something wrong with the other girl he is talking to- HATING on her so that maybe through that you will find away to lift yourself up? Man, isn't it so exhausting? All I know is, if we all had the guts to be real with ourselves and the other people in our lives (whether they be people of interest, girls we hang around once a blue, or even fam) the world would be a much better place. Instead we decide to play these games.

Well, I am sick of it... not calling when I want to because I don't want to be viewed as a bug-a-boo, seeing clothes in the mall when I am shopping and not buying them because "it's too soon in the friendship", not inviting him over when I've prepared a home cooked meal, not writing him poems or making him considerate things because I am not sure if he cares for me as much as I care for him. Why does this matter? Why can't we just give our love freely, why is this world so cold that we have to put limits and boundaries on how much we care for a person? I don't know why!

At this point I have allowed so much drama to seep into this situation that our spot is all blown up..."The Block Is HOT" because by playing these game I am feeding the fire! Will I let things slow down so that maybe the embers will be cool enough for us to walk side by side on- I don't know. Something has got to give.

Not The Time Not The Place

Just Believe Keep The Faith... Gotta Learn How To WAIT!

Okay, I promise- I am going to learn how to be patient.... one day soon, lol. Man, one of the things I can hear my father drilling into me daily is, "Slow down!" It was always "Murphy's Law" & "Slow Down".... classic lines out of his mouth. For once in my life I am going to wait...

I once told this dude I was feeling (who will remain nameless... my lil' squirrel;-) that his girlfriend was just a space holder for me. I knew that I wasn't ready for a relationship yet, so their relationship was fine with me; it was just preparing him to be a better man when it was "our time" to be together. Well, the fact is- she got pregnant soon after I-made-the-call. The fact is, I miscalculated the situation and I should have went after him right then and there. Now it's four years later & things are way to complicated to move up or down. Well, I said all of that to say this, sometimes- I AM WRONG. There are times when I make determinations that aren't best in the long run.

Recently, I jumped into something prematurely and I am realizing that it was something I should have sat back and ruminated on. Some things need time to grow... this is true of plants and of people. It's harder for me to read men now than it was "back in the day", but I will say there is one thing I wish I had seen in myself "back in the day" that I have now- BALLS. Yes, I am still shy in MANY ways, but to approach someone I was feeling? NEVER would have happened back in the nineties.

Sometimes things just work out. Consistently gets one noticed. The last person I was with was NOT the one I wanted to be with for real. Other than them being tall and athletic, they were EXACT opposites... but things just worked out for us. I am far from perfect I confess that to myself everyday in the shower; so, I can not expect someone to believe in me, or to see something in me that I don't see in myself. I am not going to try and be like the girls I see him chasing. I am not going to try to be something I am not. Even though I try to deny it, I am very superstitious... I believe in faith, I believe in magic and I believe in chance because I have seen dreams come true. So, I am going to wait!

Let Go...

& Let Yahweh!

Man, I know it's bad to hold grudges, so from here on out- I am going to attempt from doing the obvious. Though I HATE rejection with a passion, I've found in the past that people always end up wanting me regardless. Even when people claim they don't "want" me, later on down the line, they always need me before I need them. I am a very independent individual both mentally & spiritually, I damn near NEVER need anyone else, so I don't have to worry. Whether it be money, a ride, or my priceless advice- they always come running back. So, I am going to wait out the recession!

People never change, once a liar always a liar, once a cheater always a cheater, once an Iota... lol. Naw, but I am going to stop the spite- it's not healthy! If someone never acknowledges their wrong doing on their own- there is no point in one pointing out to them. Maybe one day they will be lucky enough to acknowledge and maybe even repent from their hateful, selfish, hurtful manners & ways... If not? their loss, not yours! Just let it go!

My Initials Are L.R.J. not C.A.B.

So why would a nigga who doesn't even fuck with me all like that have the nerve to keep asking me for a ride? I do favors at my own digression, and usually I will offer if I am willing. I reached my limit two days ago, I will never again be a woman that will let a man turn her on and off when they please. The reality is, I'm human- I have feelings, and I can not let myself down anymore. Therefore any nigga or any bitch who is not around to be my friend or more(for the men only!) I don't have ANY love for em'.

It is not hard to tell if you are my homie. You will never have to ask for a ride because I will offer before your lips form the words, you will never have to ask to borrow money- I will lend with the hopes of getting repaid but not the expectation, and a major sign is that you WILL NOT only call when you need something from me. You WILL NOT come by only to benefit. You will call to check on me, stop by to see how I'm doing.... these are the signs of a REAL homie. Trust me honey, my mama didn't raise a fool.

If it's something obviously needed... and you have to ask, do the math! You ain't my homie & I ain't doing you any favors! Maybe is you start coming real you can gain some cool pts back, but as of now it's really nothing lest to say, except

I LOVE CARLOS, lol, j/k.... or am I ;-)

Let's Just Say

I'm NOT what he's looking for in a significant other, & I'm not mad or upset... at least not anymore!

Yea, it is my hope that I will one day be a successful lawyer, so I have to stick to my guns when saying INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY, although from the start he was something like the character Will Truman who plays a lawyer on Will & Grace, lmao. It is what it is. I am always the female who believes every word a man tells me until the give me a reason not to, but I am starting the think that maybe I need to change my ways. Maybe I should listen to rumors when people tell me "He is a down low brother", maybe I should trust my instincts when he makes statements like "Can't I get some reciprocity" or even "I am waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet", maybe I shouldn't be so willing to trust when a man tells me "I am not going to be with someone who doesn't trust me" every time I ask him a mere question!

All I have to say is in 2006 it's hard for a strong, heterosexual, independent, Black WOMAN to find her counterpart in this American society. We have to worry about men cheating with other women, if not OTHER MEN, we have to worry about mixed ass messages, we have to worry about DEAD beat Dad's, guys who want us to support them, man the list goes on! Black females are damn near the only ones on this earth who have earned the RIGHT to utter about RECIPROCITY. I work hard to be who I am; from the way that I look to the way that I speak I am progressing daily! I think it's time for the BLACK WOMAN to get some credit.

As I sit back a digress, it is even more complicated. Don't get me wrong, there are good Black men out there, but half of them are taken or have baggage(children) are fifty lbs over weight, or just have something else weird and random going on. The females I roll with have the whole package! Not only are they beautiful, they are also educated, working on being financially stable, have cars, homes, religion- so what is it? I can't even go on what my friends have, but I personally have all the above. Not only do I turn boys into MEN, I know how to treat a man the way he wants and NEEDS to be treated.

I am just so sick of dealing with so called Black men and their neurosis. They aren't looking for happiness, they aren't looking for reciprocity, and they definitely aren't looking to be swept off their feet; at least not by a Black woman or any woman for that matter. I call a spade a spade! It's Columbus, Ohio (fag central) you're in college... If this isn't the time to come out the closet when is? And for those who aren't D.L., the metro sexual, & others- why not just be a man and say how you feel about me? I don't like hints, I like blunt ass messages. You keep getting the hoes & bitches who are going to do you wrong- because you deserve it! May all things bad happen to you... good day!

Just A Lil' Poem Action From A Couple Weeks Ago

It's not that there aren't other men, other conquests, other spirits/ It's just that when it comes to the "others" I just ain't tryna hear it/ No, I don't need help finding a date (Eddie!) there plenty of dudes tryna be seen/ But I'm not tryna be with "plenty", "good" is where I wanna be(get it? good & plenty)/Mrs. Johnson ain't raise no fool, I know there are other bitches/ Their barks are real loud, but their bites ain't THIS vicious/ & I think it's just ridiculous, that he can't see what I know!/ Yea I may dibble and dabble(That's for T. Dials) with a few of your bruhs, but I don't love them hoes/ & to mention my competition, I don't worry- it's like Don King is in the Arena/ Fixed fight from the beginning, he thinks it's too good to be true but I'ma make him a believer/ But the ball is in his court I need to know what play is next/ Do you want me to run the ball to right or do it to the left?/ I will say I am willing to jump through some loops- but I will never say "How High?"/ I am not tryna be hoppin & boppin over niggas... I just want to be by your side/ & I can' understand why I feel so stongly this is like I repeat of last summer/ Like Mike, you're making me feel like I should not have ever given up my number/ Because now I am sucked in, trying to make it out alive/ I am putting way too much into something while this dude is pushing me aside/ I wish there was something I could do to open his mind, open his heart, open his eyes, make him see me clearly/ No gimmicks, all I really want to do is love him dearly/ We're so complementary, and even his flaws attract me/ What I got to do to get him to see what I have to offer instead of what I'm lacking?/ I wish he would let me lend a shoulder, a hand, an ear- relieve some of his pain/ Then maybe he would realize I am the one to mend his broken heart back again.