Just Tryna' Make A Dollar Outta' Fifteen Cents

Right now I am on my grind, the way I should have been five years ago. One can't cry over spilled milk, so I am trying to do the things now that will make my life the best in the future. This whole school thing is really dragging me down, but I am not a quitter. I need to get back at OSU asap because unlike I was lead to believe, Columbus State is not cheaper. I am realizing that I need to stop taking the advice of others' and start listening to my own heart!

These last few days I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the past; people who use to be in my life, the things I use to enjoy doing, and the places I use to love going. I am a different person now. The only time I want to go to the club is to run into someone specific, shopping and spending money on frivolous things now makes me feel guilty, and my taste in friends has definitely changed. I use to entertain people, even when I knew they weren't my friends, but now a days I don't even waste my time on friendships. Most of the people I hang around I do love, but more than anything I am counting the seconds until they let me down. I am so use to phoniness and disappointment- that I can not even enjoy my relationship.... it kind of sucks! I guess my rationalization lies in the fact that the people who are really meant to be in my like will somehow sift their way through my bullshit antics. Well, I do not completely think that my antics are all bullshit, seeing that they are based on the fact that so many "friends" have proved themselves to be all but. I don't know, but I do know things will get better.

This trip to Houston will hopefully be a good one. I am just ready to relax and stop thinking about what is going on in Ohio. Worrying about my family is starting to drain me. Stressing about bills and school (with no income coming in) is starting to weigh on me also. I just need some me time; solitude. I hope this guy doesn't try to pressure me into anything, because its not happening and I will just have to blow some more money and be on the first thing smoking to Columbus, but I am somewhat confident that things will be fine. Yahweh planned this trip for some reason. Otherwise someone wouldn't have hit me out of the blue and offered to pay for my trip right in the midst of me having money troubles. I guess Yahweh just knows I need a break from life and I can not wait to take it!

I have made a lot of weird decisions this year. I got that lump sum from Delphi and I don't know where it went... but at the same time I no longer have ANY credit card debt, I put a dent into my student loans, and I got my ass back in school- so all is not lost. I moved into my own apartment, and apt. that I am starting to realize may be to rich for my blood ($246 electric bill?!?!), but I am going to make it work. 2008 is one 1/4 in and already I have so many questions about the choices I've made. Well, whatever happens by 2009 I promise to have no regrets and hopefully I will be in a better position ending this year than what I was beginning it. People judge me everyday, but I have come a long way- I came from nothing, I've made something out of nothing. If these walls could talk...

Disaster

Ok, so I am a firm believer in not planning things and just letting it happen but last night was horrible for me. I am not sure where I went wrong or if it was I that went wrong, but the whole situation was wrong. How can something that seems so good go so bad? It's the friends, the ones who you really care about that always seem let you down. Dazed & Confused...

EMTIONALLY Drained

Life is so complicated and everyday I find a way to make it worse. I am just dissatisfied with some of the decisions I've made in recent months.

It's a hard to task to keep an open heart without taking advice from people. The irony in that task is the fact that listening to unstable friends will fuck you life all the way up! Last year I took the advice of one of my girls about a guy I had been seeing. Consequently he and I fell out over the advice. Months later I am finding out that the information and the advice that was given to me was false and misdirected. Now I am sitting back with my foot in my mouth...

The first step I took to try and mend the bridge I broke was to send the guy a Valentine's Day card. I sent it anonymously. I keep planning to run into him out in the club, but I haven't really been going out lately. So, last night I decided to go to Verizon.com and look through my old phone bills to figure out his number (because I prematurely erased it) and it turns out I am a month too late. The last time I called him was 7 months ago and apparently online bills only go back 6 months. I can not believe it is March already!!! Anyhow, I can't call my buddy A Nutz because we are on the outs, and he is my only connection to him. The fact that this is finals week and I am on the fence with two other men does not make this news any easier. I just don't know what to do.

My life is always full of DRAMA, even when things seem calm. The guys I am into are not into me. The guys that are into me I'm not into. The guys that I seem to be in sync with have some other kind of drama, like a baby or an on again of again. It's always something.

What's The Point?

It really sucks when you're stunted. You know, the feeling you have when you don't have any love interest what so ever. What sucks even more is when you do have someone in mind, but they aren't emotionally available. You try to keep your distance and keep yourself from catching feelings, but it's just so damned hard! It's really no use.

I am feeling really torn as of late because I am feeling a friend of mine. He is cute, motivated and more importantly he is such a sweet person. But just like every other good man I meet, he has a girlfriend. Well, let me rephrase that, he has an on again off again. We clearly like one another- I feel that is quite evident by now, but I don't want to move forward. I am sick of putting MYSELF in the position where as soon as I lay my cards down the nigga ups and decides to walk all over my heart.

In 2008 it is so hard to decipher if a man is being sincere or if he is just running game. One minute he can be inviting you to accompany him in Las Vegas and the next thing you know he is telling you he is involved with someone else and is trying to make it work (Big Time). I don't understand how men can turn their feelings on and off like that. I guess I have a lot to learn.

What to do at this point is beyond me because I am starting to really like this guy. I am going to avoid giving him a code name because everyman I have given a code name to on this blog is no longer in my life. Hopefully, above all things he and I will remain friends. I don't want to muddy things up and make things complicated- but sooner or later the plot is going to deepen... especially because he keeps pushing the issue.

I don't mind being with someone. I don't mind being honest with one another- I actually would prefer it that way (I am a big girl). The only thing I don't understand is why I should compromise my heart and my own feelings when he can up and leave at any moment and go back to the other Bitch? What sense does that make? What's the point?

The FUTURE

So, I have been thinking a lot about my future lately. I am trying to figure out a path to take to make the best out of my situation. I really want to graduate, but shit just seems to be taking so long. I wish I would have come to OSU with a better attitude and I would be a lot farther than I am now!

First and foremost I am debating on if I should get a job. I was going to try and wait til June, but I am starting to find that I am not as disciplined with my cash as I thought I would be. I mean, I know I can survive off of unemployment, but at the same time- I am Lindsay. There is no way in hell I can be satisfied with the bare minimum. I know I want to attend classes next quarter and I definitely do not want to take out any loans, so I am going to have to be very wise about my money.

Any who, Milbrey bought my ticket last night, so I officially have 3 weeks to get my shit together. I plan to lose a quick 15 (I started the Master Cleanse today) and I plan to start working out like crazy (starting tomorrow). I figure if I start out doing 100 crunches a day and work my way up to 300 within a week, I will have my cute little abs back! I am so excited and I plan on NOT buying anything new for the trip. I already have luggage, 2 pairs of jeans I have never worn, along with a crazy amount of shit I have worn 1 time- so I am going to be wise. I plan to give myself a $500 spending limit (not including food & entertainment) for shopping. Enough about that.

My plans are to just get my shit together in the next few weeks. I need to grind out the end of this quarter and looking into registering EARLY at OSU so I can finally take the classes I need and get the hell out of CO. I want to make sure I have a banging body for my 25th birthday which is less than 2 months away!!! And I want to really finish getting this book together. I think it is important that I start doing more things to prepare for the future. The club will always be there. Niggas who don't take me as I am will always be there. Girls who pretend to be my friends who secretly hate me will always be there. Clothes and shoes will ALWAYS be there. And more than anything McDonald's and cookies will always be there. So, I am making a conscious decision to take heed of opportunities that come once in a Blue Moon. Because once thing that will not always be here is time... times not forever.

My Book

I really need to step my game UP! My book was supposed to be done over a year ago, and here it is March of 2008 and I am stuck on the second chapter! I am realizing I definitely need to put some gas on it! Seeing that people are stealing the names that I am going to grace my children with, it is only a matter of time before someone tried to steal the name of my book also- and I'm not having it!

I just need solitude. I think I am going to stop hanging around with my friends so much. I am not really gaining anything from it. They don't call me during the week, I really never know whats going on in any one's life. It just occurred to me that I am being feed by a loooooong spoon! Everything is fine tuned. It seems that everyone is having problems and issues, but no one shares them with me. Not to say that I don't find out about them, because EVERYONE talks behinds each others backs. It just would be nice to get info from the horses mouth for once. I am realizing how phony it is to act like everything is all kosher when your man is treating you like crap, or your man is cheating on you, or you man just doesn't like you at all! The thing about women I don't understand is why can't they keep it real! There is always some lie going on! They can't just be honest in saying they have problems just like everyone else! They have to hold up this facade! Anyhow, I am done with dis functional people.

I have always been a fan of surrounding myself with individuals who I look up to. One's that inspire me, but for the most part the people I hang around now do neither. All of my girls are getting pregnant. A woman who has to trap a man be getting pregnant is relentless. Then, one by one they end up unhappy mothers of illegitimate children, and that's not cool. We end up having nothing in common. Then the men I hang around are mama's boys! They are still living at home with their moms and have no control over their own lives! I mean, that shit gets old. I am looking for adult relationships and what I have now is not cutting it! Why am I wasting time hanging around losers when I could be writing my book- something that is actually going to contribute to my future?

What The Fuck Is Up?

Okay, so maybe I am over reacting, but no I am not! What is up with people stealing my baby names? So, back in Mrs. Urogody Eiler's Street Law course at Shaw High I decided two things. One, that I wanted to someday become an attorney and two that the names of my (future) children. I knew right off the back I was going to name my son Linden Re' for obvious reasons... and I decided I was doing to name my daughter London Paris... London because it is so close to Linden and also because it is one of the four FASHION CAPITALS of the world along with Paris which was also very similar to my then boyfriend's french sounding name. So, of course he was a jerk and named his daughter that he has with another bitch Paris. That really pissed me off, but all of a sudden my pregnant friend is set on naming her daughter London?!?! She claims that she decided on it a while ago? A while ago when? Was it a while ago when I was telling you the story about Pierre being a bastard and naming his daughter Paris when he knows my baby name is London Paris!?!? It's not like Tiffany or Ashley. London is not a popular name that people think of let alone consider naming their kid. MAN UP! Admit that you never thought of that name until you heard me say it and you are a thief!!! God damn, I am so pissed about this mess! People don't have one original bone in their bodies! That's all I have to say!

P.S. Keep it real. I still have birth certificates from Mrs. Urogody's class stating what both of my children's names were. I can prove it. What female doesn't sit back and contemplate on what they're going to name their child years in advance? Come on!

Getting Ready

So, I have a couple trips I want to go on in the near future, one being Houston, TX. I just need to get away from it all and relax. Milbrey says that we are going to the beach when I come, so that means my ass needs to be on some body's diet ASAPly. I talked to Chelle last week and she was telling me she did the master cleanse and lost 16 lbs in 10 days. Sheesh! I remember when I tried it last year I only lasted 4 days. I then had a break down at work when everyone around me was slamming and the only thing I had was lemon water? WTF? lol. Anyhow, I think I am in a better position to do it now, seeing that the only time I leave the house is for bible school and class. I do need to cleanse my body and I def need to lose some damned weight, so I plan to start tomorrow. Maybe I can even save some money! YAY!

This is the time that I need to be getting ready for my future. I am trying to improve my looks (i.e. the haircut & losing weight), buy I am also trying to improve my health and soul. I just need to get a exercise regimen along with some kind of community service act that will soften my heart. Spring is around the corner and I'll be damned if the stories I post in this blog are like the ones of spring's past. When I first started this blog in spring of '06, I was usually cooped up in my bedroom crying on beautiful ass afternoons blogging about how tragic my life was. Then last spring ('07) I was too damned busy and wrapped up in my life to even have the time/ energy to sit down and blog. I probably wrote no more than 5 entries last spring. This spring I want to have the me time to sit down and blog, but I also want to have something nice to blog about... or someone nice rather. Hopefully the things I am doing now to get ready for life will help me to have a great spring and a great future.

Thinking...

Men are my weakness. Everyday I start to think about one of them that I wrote off in my past. Today it's Aby. I miss him. I always find time to miss them all. Maybe it's because I am alone now, so I have nothing better to do than sit around and ponder. I always wonder... "what could have been?" Too many questions gone unanswered. My life has become almost tragic. It's funny how much of my time is spent thinking about that past, but the smartest question I could ask myself is, "do they ever think about me? If they knew this blog existed, would they read it?" But, I wouldn't dare ask myself those questions in fear of what the answers that pop up in my head would be. Sometimes answering a question of yourself is much harder than asking the question.

Anywho, I got to thinking about Aby today and how he is worlds away. Not just physically, Aby is on a whole other level of life than where I am (as most of the incredible men I let pass me by are). He is a kid in many ways, but I sometimes wonder if I would have approached the situation differently, would it have turned out any different? Would I still be shit- faced and alone? Or would I be with a BIGGER BETTER man than my last? Would everybody look at us and wonder, "how the hell did that happen?" I wouldn't care, because no matter what people think or say, I would really care for him. I mean, I do really care for him. I haven't even seen him in over a year and I haven't talked to him in quite a while, but I wonder how I could get a hold of him now a days. It may be impossible. Or it could be just another one of those chances I will never get back.

I am trying to get back to the old me, you know, the me I was before Maize & Blue. I know I am reaching because that was 7 years ago, but I loved who I was. Back the if a man wasn't feeling me... wait a minute- I guess I never was one to take no for an answer, but I made the "no" work for me. If a man rejected me or didn't act the way I wanted him to, I moved on. I became a better woman so that they would look at me and see what they missed out on. These days it seems that I am just falling off more and more. So now, they look back and say, "Damn, I am glad I didn't fuck with her!" lol. With Ja, he ended up calling me my junior year trying to holler after he dogged me from the time we attended Kirk to day he graduated from Shaw. Now that was a fun situation. He made nothing out of his life, had a possible baby one the way (as if one were playing spades) and didn't know where he was headed, but yet expected me to STILL greet him with open arms? It never felt better to say, "nigga please!" It was the same feeling I had in 2001 when Charge It To The Game tried to humiliate me in the senior cafe. But then when I said, "I wouldn't be telling some bitch at Heights I'm going to prom with you because I am going with "Maize & Blue" (for the lack of better words, lol)" that killed him! I guess becoming a better woman and being with a better man always made me feel better, but I just haven't been able to pull that off these last couple of years.

Now, I am thinking about other ways of getting revenge. Scenario #1 Maize & Blue. I recently told Manida about the whole situation and if she were I, would she try to get back with him as revenge to the bitch he is with, you know- the bitch that "stole" him from me (by getting knocked up on purpose). Manida gave me the green light, but after I re-evaluated the situation, I didn't against. It's not worth losing myself over a nigga who is stuck with a bitch who could never and (even if she had the choice) would never love him the way that I did. He has to live with that.

Scenario # 2 revenge for some high school drama. So The Banana Bitch also know as ACID was one of my only friends from Kirk to Shaw. She was THE only person I let know the depth of my feelings for Charge It To The Game. To make the long story short, once he blew up our Senior year, she decided to go behind my back, turn him against me- fuck him, get knocked (though she had an abortion), etc. I.e. the end of our friendship. That who situation really ruined my senior year, it's a pivotal moment that really changed my life and I must admit I still carry some of the resentment with me to this day. To catch one up to speed, The Banana Bitch got knocked by another kid who we went to Shaw with. He has 3 other kids by 3 other chicks. What started out as a casual relationship, turned into the birth of a baby, which in the last couple weeks has now become a relationship. This is where it gets sticky... her new man aka baby daddy has started hitting me up regularly on myspace. We were never friends in real life, now he is showing certain interest. My question is, should I hook him in revenge? I WOULD SO LOVE TO. But, I guess it's not my style. Lucky for The Banana Bitch and her bastard, I don't get down like that. What she did to me, she will NEVER know... but in the end, I am a better woman because of it!

THE American Dream

This is what it's all about. I guess we really don't know what is going on behind closed doors but Black love is happiness. In these latter days I have started to sway my initial feelings. I thought I would never date outside my race, but lately I am just so sick and tired of disappointment. But then, I see a picture like this and my heart melts; my heart is softened. There is nothing like seeing a strong Black man who is being held down by a strong Black woman. I really pray that Barack Obama wins this election and I also pray that my Barack comes along soon!

Esco Bar

I don't know why I've been thinking about him so much lately. For the past year it's been out of sight out of mind. It may have something to do with the fact that Maize & Blue has weazled his way back into my life. I can't call it, but something sure has resurrected my feelings about him. What could have happened? Shit, I may have never had a chance with Esco Bar in the first place but I wish I could truly know. I may not have pretty enough. I may not have been skinny enough. Shoot, I may not have been light skinned enough, who knows? And I guess what I am trying to ask is, will I ever know?

I stayed away from the football scene this year. I can count on one hand how many times I watched a game. I guess it had something to do with the emotional land mines I was afraid of coming across, but now it's off season and my heart is still on the verge of being blown to pieces. I didn't want to think about Maize & Blue, now I am. I didn't want to think about Charge It To The Game, now I am. I didn't want to think about Esco Bar, but here I am. Unavailable men is my weakness.

I really know how to choose them. I seem to fall for the greatest men; the ones that actually make it to the NFL, law students, small business owners, etc. It would be easier if they were all dogs, but that's not real. Some of them are sweet, many of them are accomplished and they all are SO damned good looking. Why can't I score? Maybe it's me. I have made TOO many mistakes and there are some moments I will never get back... moments I will regret for the rest of my life... and the one that is stealing an abundance of my thoughts is MLK weekend of 2006- tricky!?!? I'd say yes! I choose Polaris over him... never again!

All I can say is that I miss seeing his face, that was enough for me.

Never Let Grass Grow Under Your Feet

Men, will tell you what you want to hear & us women let em think that we are buying it/

But each time the one we love tells us another lie, we seem to die a bit.

And at some point we become so damned cold and our feelings are nonexistent.

Then male friends look @ us as "1 of the boys" & talk unedited in front of us because we seem resistant

But the truth is, we still are women, but we are just a different breed.

We stopped judging books by the cover and we take the time to read

Because a pretty man pretty much is full of shit and we already know the deal

Even when he is telling us lie, all we hear coming out of his mouth is the real

No more praying that WE CAN CHANGE him, no more feeling like an ass

because we won't stand there long for there to be any grass

Growing under our feet, we don't waste time, we keep it moving.

No matter how sad we've been we make sure we focus on the goals we're pursuing
Because there was a time when I use to stand still and wish someone would stand still with me
But he ran after his dreams and fulFILLed them while I was left empty-
Handed, but Yahweh granted my wish and gave me a second chance
He took me off the wall and made me get out on the floor and dance
No more setting up shop, no more letting the grass grow
In order to see those snakes wondering round the lawn we gotta keep that grass low
And this is more than me coming home drunk in the middle of the night and attempting to get poetic
This is advice Miss Val gave to me last year from a motherly perspective
If a 46 year old woman who has seen it all gives me a word- though I am half her age- I am wise enough to take heed
2007 was the last year I ever let grass grow under my feet

Insomnia

For some reason, I just can not sleep. I don't know what's missing in my life or what I have too much of, but something is wrong.

I don't have much to say today. Things in life are going along pretty steadily and I don't have any cause for complaints. For some reason, school is hard as ever and I am starting to realize that I shouldn't have taken such a long break. My commitment to school is horrible right now. I don't want to read a thing because I can hardly see and I don't have insurance right now so I can't even get glasses. I just need some motivation.

Cast Down, but Not Destroyed

HUMBLE, sometimes it's hard. I am trying very hard to become a better person. The more I try, the more I realize how fake my life was before. Chasing niggas who would not give me a chance. Hanging around chicks who really didn't have any love for me. Being true to my family because "blood is thicker than water" but somehow in the midst of everything my family did me dirty (Kim & Nikki). I am done with that portion of my life.

I am trying to love hard. I want to be the lover I have always been, the kind that will give all of me. I am not talking about sex. I am talking about being a lover. A lover to my family, a lover to my friends, a lover to myself.

I was down on myself for a long time because I really didn't know who I was. I am thankful that Yahweh has finally brought me to the point where the old me is gone but the new me is better than ever.

I am doing what I have to do now, so that my life will be the best it can be in the future. I just want it to be better for my kids. I don't want my kids to blame me. I don't want my kids to question how much I love them--or if I love them at all. I want my kids to look back and be able to recognize all I did for them, all my sacrifices and all my pain. I don't want them to worship me for it, I don't want them to show me thanks or to think they owe me anything, I just want them to do the same if not better for their kids. I lived a large portion of my life in uncertainty and I am sick of it. I want stability. I want to come home to someone. I want someone to talk to. I have a lot to get off my chest and I mean A LOT!!! I am kind of feeling that if I don't get this shit out of my system- it might destroy me...

Appreciation

I was talking to my Boogie today who is WORLDS away right now. It made me think about how we first met (the circumstances were a little rocky), and how far we have come. I had a lot of opinions about her that I never shared, but today I realized- that she is a real cool person. I guess that is not what I really mean, I more mean- she is a real cool person to have in my life. I am not interested in mending broken friendships or creating new ones. I just want to focus on making the relationships I have with people NOW more real. I can not wait for Mrs. Dials to move back from the states from France because I plan on being a better friends!

I got to talk to a lot of my people today. B. Smith came to visit the new apartment this morning, then Dutch asked me out to eat. We tried to get chicken & waffles @ Linden Cafe' but those mo fos wouldn't let us in, lol. Somewhere in it all Q. showed up too. So instead, we went to Eddie George's, then to Cold Stone and ultimately to Drexel to see Cloverfield. All I can say is it was good times. I love these kind of unexpected days. Were lunch turns into an affair. I love Dutch and Q. so much. Having acquaintances like them is a breath of fresh air, especially days like these when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders...

I am just learning to appreciate the little things in life more. This is what life is all about. Sometimes you can get SO wrapped up in the trivial bullshit that you miss the BIG picture!

Today is the day that I completely finished unpacking. I went through my junk trunk- you know, that trunk with all the shit in it that you don't want to throw away, but you have no idea what to do with it...

extension cords
old cell phones
old house phones
CDs
birthday/ valentine's day cards
love letters
magazines with Kanye West on the front (come on- everyone has those right?)
artwork from Mr Culiver's 6th grade art class
etc.

I started reading this old letter Maize & Blue sent me when I was living in the dorms. It was a letter he sent after he aparently proposed to me? Which, I don't remember to well. It's just funny to see how much things change over the years. It's funny to see it written down in front of me (NOT typed). I think it makes the lies even more catostrophic. But life is what you make it.
He's with her now and I am with him now. Life goes on.

I am just grateful about how far Yahweh has brought me. I am so in love with the gospel and I am so in love with the life he has given me. I am appreciative for the people he has brought into my life and I am more appreciative for the people he has kept in my life. There is a time and place for everything. Everything has an expiration date- including relationships/ friendships. My only prayer is that Yahweh doesn't let these friends I have expire or this relationship I have either. If he does, I will still appreciate the plan he has made for me.

Oh Saint Valentines

I am trying to figure out what the hay to get Daniel for Valentine's Day. I guess it will come to me, but I did find another card with chemists on the front! I keep out doing myself. I am pretty sure I am going to keep it simple this year. I may just back his fav MACADAMIAN nut cookies and over night them to him. I got my parents, Elise & Emeri card with gift cards so they can go out to dinner. I don't know what I am going to send to my little Thanum??? I want to get Erin this cute ass Buckeye jewelry we saw during Gallery Hop in some boutique on High St. but it's going to be a bitch finding WHICH store it was. I got Derrick a cute card that sing "Who Let The Dawgs Out," seeing that he is THE official Browns fan, I am sure he will like it (hope his wife doesn't mind). Got Ro a card and Polaris as well. I got Howard a card too- I am thinking about gettin him the "Mo Money Mo Bitches" shit from Urban Outfitters- but I have to see what my cash is looking like.

Every year I plan to send more and more gifts to people on Valentine's. It's funny that I somehow end up alone and giftless, but atleast I know the people I l ove the most weren't empty handed. It amazing to find out how many people never get gifts... thats inclusive to Valentine's, X-Mas and birthdays. I think that is total bullshit. I remember I got Big Time a shredder and The Coldest Winter ever for father's day last year. He said that was his first time ever recieving a father's day gift (his daughter is 9). Looking back, I wish I hadn't wasted my damned money on his, but at the time- it was the right thing to do. He is someone I care about- and for some reason (unbeknowst to me now) I thought he cared about me too.

Anywho- it's been a wreck finding out people's addresses on the sly without them expecting anything. There are actually a couple guys I wouldn't mind sending a card, but I can't bring myself to ask them for their info. It's funny how easy it is for me to go from a nice girl to a stalker in somebody's eyes. It's like, you ask one wrong question- and you become the official stalkers. You can't say, "hey, I don't want to stalk you, I just wanted to send you a card!" They'll never believe that.

I don't know how things are going to turn out a week from today. I may end up here on the couch sipping wine watching the fire alone, or cupid might shoot me AND I'M BACK! (get it? Fergie?)

I Call A Spade A Spade, PERIOD!

SAY IT AIN'T SO! Nah, it is so- it was ALL a lie as I suspected. Maize & Blue is not married, it's all a front for the public. It's funny how much people will go through in order to make the outside of their house look pretty. Get a new roof, cut the grass, paint the shutters, trim the hedges... but inside their house it's all falling apart. The same can be of people. People do so much to appear normal, or to pretend that they're something they are not. He told me that he said he is married on his profile to satisfy someone else. Is that the satisfaction- everyone thinking you have something you don't? The funny thing is, there aren't enough newspaper articles, or NFL profiles that could claim you are his wife- when the fact remains, it's all a lie.

I sometimes think, what going to happen when it is "official"? The fact will still remain, that his heart isn't there. Now THIS is a memorial, something that will never change; his heart is with me.

I was talking to my girl last night about somethings. I asked her if I should call Maize & Blue and wish him well concerning tomorrow's Super Bowl, and she told me what I needed to hear, "NO!" I did make the call against my better judgement. When I talked to my other friend Sala this morning, she told me that the call was ok. She said that it was closure. I expressed how I am over the relationship- but I just hate the fact that this bitch is reaping all the benefits, while she has always been nothing more than a jump- off. How convienent for her to get pregnant less that a month before her get signed. CO-INK-A-DINK? I think not! Sala just mentioned that he can't be THAT stupid to think that old-girl is real! I guess I'll never know.

Unexpected TURNS

Life is f'ing crazy. I don't know what to think from one day to the next. Sometimes I think I have it all figured out, or I think I have made my final decision on something- then I renege. It's crazy. Life that is, the subconscious can bring out so many unresolved feelings. Feelings for people you just KNEW you were over and done with. Months ago, I was laughing because it seemed obvious to me that Maize & Blue still had feelings. I am not finding- that I have feelings too. I don't know exactly what these feelings mean, but they are certainly there. I guess the tables are TURNing on me. Ha- ha, funny how the tables turn... turn... turn... (Monica). Sometimes closure is best.

I am trying to be a better person this year. My new year's resolution was to "love people more than people hate me." What a task for a person who has so many haters. I am just trying to be a better person, a better adult, a better woman. I am buying smart book. I am biting my tongue. I am building better relationships with my friends and acquaintances. I am taking care of business.

I got laid off from Delphi and they finally decided to send me my severance pay two weeks ago. I have been spending ever since. Not too reckless, but I bought the $200 Robin's Jeans that were sold out everywhere & I FINALLY found in my size. I moved Saturday after someone was killed in the apt next to me, so the unexpected move cost a pretty PENNY. I paid off all my credit card debt! YAY! I started school & paid out of pocket. I am just making moves to make my life better. Sheesh, it's 7:37 and I gotta meet Ms Crews @ Bar Louie @ 8:30. Off to curl my hair and get dressed. Damn, I need to start writing in this blog more!

Rest In Peace To All The Chick DYING To Be Me

It's crazy how many people look you in the eyes and smile in your face day to day, while they are secretly plotting your demise. But what's even crazier is when you already see it coming. I feel like lately a lot of what I have been writing in this blog has been bubble gum and bullshit, but even if this doesn't read well (easy- read) and even though it may seem a little scatter brained... this is straight from the heart.

I am so sick of tired of having my guard up; never knowing when someone I THINK is my friend will swing that fatal blow. There are so many men I have adored, but I just CAN'T trust them. There have been so many funny, and talented females I just could never get too close too, because you never know if a bitch is sincere or jealous. Jealousy is the worse thing a female can thrive off of. When a female is jealous, she get delusional. She can't let go. She ever starts to get obsessed about thing that aren't even true. Something leads her to believe that he subject is either super happy or super sad, while all along most people are just fine... OK, at this point I AM babbling and getting off of my point.

From the top, I am just sick and tired of being on the defense. When am I going to have someone in my life who removes all doubts. Someone who I can really relax around! Someone I can open up to, because having so much bottled up and ALWAYS on your mind is not healthy. I use to talk to Derrick a lot- even Howard. But people get older and grow apart. No chance that I will ever have anyone in my life who can replace what they've been to me, but it's time for me to grow up and stop having these "best friends" as stand ins for what is really missing in my life.

For a while now there a few guys who I have taken a liking to. 3 of the guys are in Grad school (Boston, Justice & IDMR) but I guess I need to stop wasting interest in men who aren't interested in me. I mean, I completely understand being focused, but any and everyone can risk a five minute conversation to show they care and I can't even get that once a month. Then there is my homie in Houston- which is basically the largest problem, he is SO FAR AWAY! I just don't know what to do about my love life.

I keep holding on to men that I do not matter to. I am too scared to move on, I feel almost like it's a risk. That AS SOON AS I find someone else, they're going to all of a sudden become available. But really, who am I joking?

I am really happy about the woman I am becoming, but at the same time I KNOW that I deserve a solid and loyal friend-base. I'm sick of other people being unhappy with themselves and taking it out on me. Is it so hard to be a friend and be happy for someone else? I don't get that. Why do my female friends always start off so cool then in up hating me and hating on me. I mean I guess they do both. Can you hate on someone without hating them? I guess that like killing someone without being a killer? Or better yet lying without being a liar. Then you have people who say shit like, "Oh, I use to lie, but I changed, I stopped lying. I'm not a liar anymore." But seriously, that's not trill! That's said with the same conviction of someone saying, "Oh, I once murdered someone, but that was last week. I stopped murdering people. I'm not a murderer!" BULLSHIT! If you murder once you'll always be a murderer, I you lie once you'll always be a liar, If you kill once you'll always be a killer, if you hate on me ONCE you'll always hate me! That really what I believe. I hate things, but I don't hate people. I may get mad and wrapped up in the heat of the moment, but I can honestly say- I don't even really dislike anyone. I just move on.

I'm the chick you LOVE to HATE. Paradox, huh? Well check THIS one out. I'm that chick you are DYING to LIVE like. Get it? Move on...

ACID

You know that feeling you get in your throat? Everyone has been there... when they've vomited SO much that there is nothing left in your stomach but yellow bile. Bile- you know, the liquid shit (not saliva) that helps break your food down? Well, you know when there is nothing left to vomit but BILE and it burns your throat- and your lips even, when it comes out? Well, that's the only thing I can think of to explain how I feel when I speak her name. I fell like the air I am using to pronounce each vowel and consonant is ACID! I hate her name.

I don't just hate the way it sounds, I hate what it represents- PAIN! No pleasure, just pain. Friendships can have you blind sided. It's the ones closest to you that you have to watch the most. This is life