"Don't It Always Seem To Go, That You Don't Know What You've Got Til' It's Gone?..."

~Joni Mitchell

She sang it, I live it. It's taken me sometime, but am finally learning how to appreciate every moment in life and all of the beautiful things in this world Yahweh created. I think the first moment happened earlier this year when I was looking up at the ceiling in work. Yes, it is the regular filth covered industrial factory- but there was something about how the sun shone threw the windows at a perfect angle. Geometrically- it was lovely, and I am quite certain that no one has and no one will ever be able to appreciate that beauty I witnessed. Even if I pointed it out, they would never seen it through my eyes. It was that moment that I began to wonder, "how many lost moments of beauty have I missed out on in my past because I didn't take the time to realize or I didn't have the heart rather?"

Well, that thought lead me to one experience I will probably never have again, but I will always remember, and if the were some minute chance- I WISH I could relive it! Freshman year (2001) Ohio State vs. michigan football in ann arbor. My seat where front and center- friends and family section (for michigan) and there my sister and I were- all decked out in SCARLET & GRAY! I guess back then I wasn't into football and I wasn't aware of how big the rivalry was- oh, if I could turn back the hands of time...

I am starting to think about my past relationships... past friendships... past opportunities that I just let pass me by. Things I just can't forget about. The people I hurt, the people who hurt me... the people who hurt me... the people who hurt me... "the one that makes you happy, they say HURTS you the most!" I guess it really is too hard for me to cherish the memories without remembering the pain. Every time I tell myself it's going to be different- I convince myself, but it never is- it's ALWAYS the same. Lyrics are crazy!...

Smug? How can you look at someone who loved you like that? Proud that they are in defeat? That's it for me, that was the end- the smug look!

"I'm threw with it LOVE, I'm threw it- threw it LOVE!" ~Destiny's Child

lol, but I am done. This last time really hurt me. Even though I hate to admit it, I am hurt. Real hurt. I have to look defeat in the eyes everyday without saying a word. I am hurt and I will continue to be hurt for a long time. Sanity- is a thing you don't miss until it's gone with the wind. As if I didn't already have enough weight on my shoulders, thoughts on my mind, stress on my soul. This last time really hurt me...

A Woman's Worth...

It's crazy where inspiration comes from. Alicia keys wrote a song after watching a Revlon (?) commercial, that in my life has caused a movement. I am so sick of knowing who I am and people not realizing it, so I am making a conscious decision to exile some of the mutha fuckas out of my life. I guess it started last night when I was talking to Big Time. He just made a few statements that let me know he doesn't give a damn about me- after all we've been through. So DELETE. It's that simple DELETE and move on.

I went to meet an acquaintance on campus last night and that whole thing turned out to be a fiasco. She isn't my friend, and it seems that every chance she gets to TRY and throw something in my face she does, but they funny thing is- I have already peeped game, so she is just making a fool out of herself. Last night was the latest. She BEGGED me to come on campus to join her and SOME other people. Of course when I got there it was just her and her date (a nigga who has been chasing me for the last 15 months). It's funny, I guess she was TRYING to make me jealous- why else would you lie and have me be the third wheel when there were no other people around? Needless to say, when I say it was just the two of them I fell all the way back until she kept screaming my name to come closer to them. Upon doing that, this drunk fat ass PROACTIVE needing nigga mugs me!?!? And for what reason? Maybe because he tried so long and couldn't get inside of this! HA! What a bust! Then continues to call me a bitch, my mom a bitch, etc. And what did she do? Stand there and let it happen. I am all too familiar with this seen. It's happened twice before this past year, one of which ended with me getting spit on and coincidentally- she was there to WITNESS that too. I guess this week we all are witnesses, because that bitch did nothing to defend my honor. Now there are many things I could do to retaliate- but one thing comes to mind; remaining silent and letting it go. My neighbor warned me about her type. He told me that she is a hoe and that nigga pipe her talk about it and clown her. He told me that by rolling with here I was polluting my image, etc. So I decide to measure my worth and stop hanging around chicks who are inferior to me. This is exactly why I have been falling back and laying low lately. She may have thought, damn I haven't kicked it with L. in a bit- but that was all by design. As for her ugly, pimple infested, fat ass- bastard having nigga she is rolling with who thinks it's funny to disrespect and strike females- he has his coming, lol.

Furthermore, I have just been sitting back digesting a lot of things lately. I have been doing a lot of listening and a lot of people watching. Silence truly is golden. You can do more remaining silent that you ever could speaking because people will always wonder what you are thinking. Everyday I am becoming more comfortable with myself in my skin- who I am. I am becoming more proud and I am loving my life and every bit in it both good and bad. Everything happened for a reason.

I will say this, I am lucky. There are tons of people who hate me and even more who wish bad things upon me, but there are a seldom few who love and appreciate me and those are the ones who count in my life. Though I am away from many of them (The fam, Derrick & Howard) they are still my constants. I know my worth. I know who I am and who I am looking forward to becoming. People need to learn to stop pretending to be someone they are not, because once you find who you really are- everything else in life falls right into place. I know it, I'm a walking testimony- I guess you could say, I'm a witness!

I've Voided Your Excuse/ You Can Save Your Song And Dance...

You see, my little cousin "Nikki" had something when she started that 0 tolerance policy last year. No shit from any nigga! Well, I am going to start applying this policy to my life. I have to tell you, it's hard not to go back to a begging man after you've been dealing with him for years. But, as I said before I am sick of being that on again off again girl. There is going to be nothing different about THIS time! His apologies are still the same. There is a point when second and third and fourth and fifth chances just become stupidity. In the infamous words my girl Nikeya Wade spoke to our manager Matt, "I won't allow myself to become any man's flunky."

I am at the point in my life where I am done dreaming and ready to take some actions. I have nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain. If I got up and left Columbus tomorrow I wouldn't be leaving much behind. Really OHIO as a whole. If I left Ohio tomorrow the only this I would be leaving behind is an unfinished degree and my family. Now, yes- those are two very important things in my life that I am not ready to let go of just yet- but a year from now? A year from now I will have completed my undergraduate studies. A year from now will be the same as today concerning my family, because I know no matter where life leads me- they are always in my heart and they are always backing me 100%! So, there it is.

Right now I am on my grind. I am pinching every penny I have! Saving here- doing me there, lol. I have definitely realized what is important in life. Man, I tell ya- I have ignored so many phone calls in the last two weeks that I may as well disconnect my damned phone. I am sick of hearing niggas' bullshit. I am sick of hearing bitches pretend to be my friends. The whole process is just so exhausting- so why front?... why even answer?

For a while I was so dedicated to trying to secure some college friends. In the world they say these are you real friends, the ones you remember for the rest of your life- but that's not real talk! I am going to leave OSU with the same friend I had when I came here- DERRICK. Of course I am going to have a plethora of experiences and stories- but that's it! I am just so ready to move on. In a way it is comforting to know that the people I needed in my life have been there for the last six years- its just sad to note that I didn't recognize them for who they are!

I came to OSU a young lady and I will leave a WOMAN. There will be many references to my past- but I doubt I will mention many names. I tried being friends with man, I tried finding love through many- I guess I even tried finding myself through many. I now realize that this is part of growing. I will move on never looking over my shoulder wondering WHAT IF? I gave everyone A chance. I asked many for A chance. I tested every relation/friendship and I came out null and VOID. So, I am doing what TWEET sung, I am VOIDING all the excuses that are coming at me! I want everyone who is in my past to STAY in my past!

Send Me Packing!

On the real, I am sick of people being nice. At times is much better and way more appropriate to keep it real. If you don't like someone anymore or you never did- just let them know. The earlier the better. Don't sit around wasting some one's time being cordial- SEND EM' PACKING!

It's funny how differently men and women think. The logic of male and female is so contradictory- that it is no wonder that we can't get along. All I know is that I am tired of the past and it eating away at me. I am tired of being the off and on again type of girl. It's all or nothing from this point forward. If you're not acting up to par with my standards I'm sending you packing and taking names later!

Let Him Fly...

At times, there are no apologizes great enough, no compassion sincere enough and no love deep enough to do right by a person who refuses to see your better side. You can write him poems, e-mail him, text him just to say, "hi!" It doesn't matter, if he is looking for bad- that is all he is going to see. I am 24 and am now learning that sometimes- you have to just let go. Not having the guy you want is punishment enough- stop punishing yourself further by hanging on. With that being said, I want to send a final bid to "Charge It To The Game," "Esco Bar," "Big Time," and many others who have been the corner stones to my blog and my heart for many months~ many years.


"Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart."
~Anne Frank


I am a good girl and no matter what I ALWAYS look for the good in people. That's how I found Howard Baldridge- my Ace Boon Coon! Everyone was telling me he was a shiesty nigga, yet- I'd rather to find out for myself. When I did- I found that he would become one of the most valuable assets in my life. That goes the same for Aric Caine. I realized that these two young men may have done many people dirty- but as long as they have never done dirt to me- I will never look at them under those conditions. See, most people don't have this concept. Most people are not willing to find out for themselves. And, I guess THIS is why the guys I like won't (not don't) like me. They are so use to being brainwashed by this persona of "bitches ain't shit" that they feel to realize that maybe they should find out for themselves. Therefore, I have failed before I have even tried- because I have this image to go up against that I haven't even created! What sense does that make?

It's sad, I will never have the NFL player, never have the team captain and never have the big time D Boi, because I will always be playing the back burner. I will never have the regular niggas because they are too scare to approach me, I will never have the rich nigga because I am not polished enough (I guess it is the E.C. tomboy in me). I can go on forever telling you what I will not have, but most importantly- I will not have another nigga down me and label me as something I am not because they fail to believe- fail to find out first hand- fail acknowledge BEAUTY.

It's an issue I've have been wanting to address... How you can you treat someone like they are temporary and expect them to act like they are eternal? How can you treat something like shit and expect it to taste like sugar? How can you treat women like trash and expect them to turn into treasure? You put in what you get out! I am just sick of dealing with it!


"Ain't no talking to this man- ain't no pretty other side/ Ain't no way to understand THE stupid word of/ It would take and acrobat, but I already tried all that/ So, I'm going to let him fly... You must always know how long to stay and when to go/ and there ain't no talking to this man- he isn't trying to tell me so/ It took a while to understand the beauty of just letting go/
~Jessica Simpson Let Him Fly



I want to send a (BLOG) Rest In Peace shout out to...
S.C.C.
T.J.S.
R.J.A.

Well I'm That Mutha Fucka All Day!!!!! My Version

Have you ever been to Disney World or walked through your favorite amusement park and saw a ride you wanted to get on but you weren't tall enough to get on that mutha fucka? Or, been eating popcorn and your mother, sister or brother wouldn't hold it for you? Or the line was too long?.... Well, I'm that mutha fucka baby, up and down!
_Original_

You ever walked down the street humming your favorite tune, and seen money on the ground or in an opened window, but your arms were just too short, you just weren't quick enough to grab it, the wind was blowing too hard or it was in the street and traffic was too busy to get to it? Well, I'm that mutha fucka all day!!!!!

_Mykl's Version_

Have you ever ate a bag a grippos and wondered why it wasn't enough spices on them mutha fuckas like the ones from the Nati, or wanted to wash them down with some jungle juice and your mother, brother or sister poured you a cup of thirst rockers??? Well. I'm the mutha fucka up and down!!!

_Vince's version_

(the above was stolen from Myk's facebook page- mind you)

It seems like I can't win for losing. No matter what the situation I come out with the short end of the stick. I don't even know if I have much to say in this posting...

Well, my birthday party and the celebration there after were a bust! I have finally come to the conclusion- that I am done being there for people when people aren't there for me. Fuck parties, fuck bitches needing advice- fuck em' all! Then, Delphi and I kind of made up about two weeks ago- then immediately fell out again, lol. But then I guess we made up again when he gave me the first season of Martin for my birthday gift. It wasn't just the gift- but it showed that he knows me well- even though I hate to admit it. Erin got me white Chanel glasses- that gift can't ever be topped- oh, apart from the trip to Vegas that Big Time is taking me on in July :-) I guess life isn't always that bad, lol.

Sunday I received a surprising e-mail on myspace from Maize & Blue. He mentioned how bad he felt about how he hurt me- and how it has been weighing on his heart for a long time. He apologized and blah blah blah. I responded very positively and formal. I told him I excepted his apology and that I had moved on from it- but the truth is- that ain't real talk! The fact is, I hate when people apologize for themselves; meaning- he did not apologize for the simple fact that he is an asshole and he did me wrong, he apologized only because it was making him feel bad. And, this is why niggas ain't shit. After four years, you want to apologize? After you went out and had a baby on me, you want to apologize? After you fucking ruined my life, you want to apologize? Well, take you bitch ass apology and shove it where the sun doesn't shine! I could give 264 and a half fucks about excepting your bullshit ass apology so that you don't feel bad anymore about being a bitch! UNFORGIVABLE! lol! (youtube it!)

The bad thing about being a good girl is you finish last, but the great thing about being a good girl is... after you have shed 257 billion tears, pried yourself off your bedroom floor, turned off the sad songs playing on you winamp, pieced your broken heart back together (somehow)- and then AS SOON AS you move on- they come running back! Well, I guess it is a great thing when and ONLY when you are truly over them, but if you aren't it's dangerous because you can be sucked right back in- & THAT is what I am trying to stay away from! Hopefully the water has run dry...

Moving along and on a different note, life is crazy. You can see what you want- it's attainable- as a matter of fact it is right in front of you- but you can't reach it. Life is crazy and sometimes you're so caught up in it- that it passes you by. It's always the wrong niggas. It's always rushing to make a decision. So instead of the man you want, you get the dorm room mate- the football team mate- the high school best friend. And sometimes- you find your way in and get to his heart before he can say, "I can't talk to you, you use to mess with Sean," "I can't talk to you, you use to talk to Pierre," "I can't talk to you, you use to talk to Najib!" Well, I'm that mutha fucka all day. I can't ever have what I want because of minor mistakes I made in the past. It's funny how loyal men will be to niggas that REALLY ain't their boys. But, they would never believe me if I told them- because I am a female and in 2007- bitches lie! Things never turn in my favor. Even when we're cool, talk on aim, talk on facebook- kick it here and there. Some things are so close yet so far away! Because niggas won't even accept friendships these days... even though a candle looses nothing from lighting another! Well, I'm That Mutha Fucka All Day- always finishing last!

The Darkest Hours...

The Deepest Moments... you ever notice you write you best shit and say the realest things at those times? When you are down in the pits? Ok, so I just hit up Aby and asked him for an e-mail address because apparently I am going to send him his poem when I send Esco Bar his! I am sitting here on Martini #.... who knows, and I am feeling it. Why is it that all emotions come out when you have no sanity? What sense does that make? I guess Yahweh made it, so... the truth will come out.

So I just hit Myk up on aim, just to chop it up, but he is busy with his business. Anyhow, I was just asking him, does he ever feel like he has made a mess of his life? ok, I am officially tired- will finish this post at a later date!

Funny How The Table Turn... Turn... Turn...

Short lived, those are the only words I can think of to describe this last relationship of mine. I will be the first to tell you, I am more than relieved. I guess I just needed an ice breaker- some reason to get back in the relationship game, and he served his purpose. Last night I went to this nfl party at Cove. We (Erin, Manida, Huin and I) didn't get there until after one, and of course they were charging $30, but we somehow skipped then line and got in free. I saw Esco Bar for the first (and maybe last time) for a good while and all those old feelings came rushing back. He was partying it up with Braylon Edward (of the CLEVELAND BROWNS!!!) and at some point in my night I stepped on Braylon's shoe... he smile- I smiled back, all the time wanting to say, "baby, I can step on it again if you want me to!" lol. It was one of those nights not soon to be forgotten...

I ran into a couple of niggas I use to talk to. All, for some reason- wanting to rekindle the old flame, lol. It's funny how the tables turn! One minute I can be calling you pretty much begging you to be with me and you find lie after lie- "I am going to jail next Thursday," "I am too busy with work," "BLAH BLAH- I AM A LIAR- BLAH!" It's all so superficial... and the next minute, you are in Cove in my grill, trying to lay claims to my body- saying we need to start over? Funny I tell ya! Lucky for them (B, Rahim & Bai) I am a sucker for men!

Somehow by then end of the night, some guy was following me to my car. He ended up being harmless, infact- he ended up being a Cleveland Brown!!! We chopped it up in the parking lot around the corner from Cove for about 10 mins. then we went to breakfast. I am pretty sure he wanted me to go back to the Renaissance with him and give him the business, but unluckily fot him, I'm not that kind of GOOGLE (get it? Sex & The City).

Monica had something when she said, "Funny How The Tables Turn... Turn... Turn..." and Ciara definitely had something when she said, "Sometimes I Wish I Could Act LIKE A BOY!" Man, shit is real out here and the only way you will survive is if you do them like they do you. Last time I went home I found a picture Ed Mo (infamous popular high school basketball star in Cleveland= wasted talent ie the hood got him first) gave me. He wrote on the back, get these niggas, don't let them get you! And I have finally mastered that advice he gave me so many (7) years ago. If a niggas doesn't want you, keep it moving and let him fly! They always come running back, always!!!

So right now, it is what it is. I am still wishing Esco was in my life, but he isn't. I am on Chocolate Martini number 2 (not from the bar, homemade edition- so you know they're strong) becuase U have finally dippen into the New Year stash my mom bought me! I am starting to get that tingly feeling when my limbs start to feel numb and all these emotions start pouring out. I am thinking about scanning these poems I wrote about Esco and sending them to him, which I probably will by the time I finish this last Martini and forget about sanity- though I may follow the direction of my relationship advisor Mykl Robinson and send the first to see his reaction. Who knows what Lindsay will do! Furthemore, Esco Bar isn't in my life, but Rahim, Bai, B, Delphi, Big Time, IDMR, Boston and a few others who will remain nameless have bargained their way back! I sometimes wonder- if the guys I write about in this blog saw their code name- would they know I was talking about them? Like Justice... that's the new one.... or should I call him Case? I'll figure it our at soberer times, lol- if that's a word. It's 11:30, I am bout to send this poem and make a second entry in my Blog after I holler at Big Time... ONE CLIQUE!

Friend or Foe?!?!

I think 8-Ball and MJG had something when they created that song and furthermore I think I had something when I made it my ring tone for all my girls a couple years ago. Sometimes, you just will never know who is down for you and who is trying to bring you down. Who is around to really get to know you as a person because they like you and who is trying to learn about you just to try and set you up? Luckily, I have gone through so much drama with females- that I know not to trust, I know what to look out for and I know bitches ain't shit!

I remember when this "Friend" in question was getting kicked out of her house. That was back when I was 3rd years and had my first apartment on Chittenden. I told her she could have my couch for three months. Rent free, shit- I wasn't even going to make her pay for groceries!!! Then when she finally moved into her own spot- who came through with groceries because she didn't even have money to feed herself? Wow, and even when her dude moved in with her- who would let them come over and rain her refrigerator? Who you ask? MOI! So, it's funny that in the dead middle of the winter- I missed my bus home from work (Easton to campus is no joke) and Erin was out of town so I called her as last resort. Her response you ask? Naw, I can't come get you, Austin and I might be going to the movies! Wow, really? Well, Austin and you didn't mind bringing your fat asses over to my spot to get food- now did you? Now, let's fast forward...

Summer of 2005, I am at the Redzone when two of my friends (A Husband and wife who will remain nameless) inform me that my girl is pregnant and that Austin has left her for another girl! Wow! The sat there in the club laughing about it, how crazy she is and how Austin is going to fight for custody! Being the type of woman I am- I went along with the role as if I didn't know she was pregnant just waiting to see when she would tell me? But did she tell me? Nope! I found out that she was pregnant (on the record) the weekend before she gave birth. When I asked why she hadn't told me sooner- she said she didn't find out that she was pregnant until she was around six months, lol! You sound dumb- how is it that Mr & Mrs. knew back in June??? But, I keep my mouth closed! Fast forward...

Now, it's a year and a half later. She lost her apartment, her sister put her up then kicked her out, Mr and Mrs put her up then kicked her out, now she is back with mommy. He ex is living with his new girl and they have a child? WOW! She finds a way to the club every weekend, but- she can't even take care of her seed? Man, there is something wrong with this picture! The girl who talked about her sister with so much conviction. Talked about her bastards. Talked about her cheating babies dad. Made the comment, "She is a horrible mother. How could you have a baby in your stomach for 40 weeks then be in the club the weekend after she is born!" Man I could go down the line on how critical she was of her sister. And her road dawg! She is a hoe. She cheats on Mr. She doesn't even have enough since to shape her son's flat head. I know Mr. didn't buy her ring, I bet you she bought it herself. Yea, I am living with them, but the aren't even together- she be going on dates with other niggas. Oh, the list goes on!!!

The fact is, bitches hate. They see the life they have and they get upset that they didn't opt to have yours. They make conscious decisions only later to have regret. They find the one person who has been true to them (Lindsay Johnson) and decide to try and bring drama in her life. I mean really, is it necessary to go on Myspace and make shit up? Is it necessary to be in Ice mean mugging? No it isn't! WOW, you were in VIP!!!! Bitch- I had a wrist band too! Clean your act up and stop lying so much. You knew you were pregnant as soon as a month after conception- BE REAL! You hate your sister because you are jealous of her, she has the looks, she isn't fat and she gets the attention- BE REAL! You hate on Mrs. because at least her man had the decency to marry her when she got knocked- and let's not mention how many times you have expressed to me that you are in love with Mr.- BE REAL! Man, I could BE REAL (for years- or days at least) about how much of a deceitful liar you are, but I am done right now. I see that you were never my friend. You could never be my foe because I would never give someone like you the power to hurt me.

True story- when you change for the better, people hate you more. It's hard for people to be happy for you. A smart man learns from his mistakes a wise man learns from the mistakes of others. A foe can only be happy for someone gaining something they already have, but a friend will rejoice in everything you have- because they feel that your success is theirs also. I am happy I know what it means to be a friend!

Conscious Decisions...mostly babbling!

I have put this subject on the back burner for way to long and am finally going to address it- I am sick and tired of having to explain myself to bitches. First, it's "Is Lindsay a back stabber?" because apparently after being engaged to a man and being pregnant with his second child out of wedlock- you must not have enough trust in the relationship if you are listening to what outside sources suggest when they mention that I am trying to steal your man and I am in competition with you. Let me set the record straight- I NEVER try and fail. Secondly, it's "Some girl that knows Lisa and you is in the salon on her mint chocolate cell phone talking about how she doesn't like you- blah blah blah!" again- is that even in my character? Now yesterday the text message, it's "I thought you were my girl, why didn't you tell me who Scott is dating?" and for the third and final time- I am done explaining myself to bitches. You know he is not really your man, you know he fucks around- I mean, he had another baby on you by another bitch- BE REAL! I don't sit around keeping track of anyone other than myself! I am not responsible to judge or report about other peoples conscious decisions. You knew he was cheating on you in the beginning- so why did you leave the abortion clinic? I don't know! You know that bitch is not your girl- so why are you believing her? I don't know! You know he is still fucking around on you- so why would you accept a ring? I don't know! You play the holier than thou role every chance you get- so WHY are you pregnant again out of wedlock? I don't know AND I don't care... You know you and that bitch are not friends- you are just the jump offs of some basketball player who could give a fuck about either of you- so why are you trusting her word? I don't know! You know my character- and on the night of our friend's birthday party- I WAS THE ONLY ONE defending you, so why are you questioning my friendship? I don't know! Why are you even taking the advice of a female who is fucking the same nigga that you are? I don't know AND I don't care... Why did you have the first baby with him? I don't know! After you found out he had not only cheated- but got another bitch pregnant at the same time of your first pregnancy- why did you have the second child by him? I don't know! Why- after four years are you still fucking him? I don't know! Why is the other bitch getting $400 a month for her one child- but you are so stuck on hanging on, that you don't mind that he doesn't take care of your children and you won't take him downtown? I don't know! Why are you listening to your disfunctional ass sister- whose boyfriend left her and moved out as soon as he found out she was knocked and moved in with another chick and knocked her before your niece was even born? I don't know! Why are you texting me- trying to question and accuse me about some shit that is NEWS TO ME? Not only do I not know, but I do not care!!!

See, the thing is- people make conscious decisions everyday that they end up regretting. They don't stop at that though- oh no! They keep going down that same path of destruction, never looking back and considering that maybe it's time to make a change! The funny thing about it is- why blame me for some thing you are responsible for? I didn't lay down with any nigga! I am not the mistress of some other chicks baby's dad! And I am damn for sure not the one being seen bar hopping with you babies' dad! True story! You chicks need to order a deliberation of all your multiple personalities and figure out what you are doing wrong- because I am too concern with correcting my faults to deal with the drama of others! I have my own conscious decisions to make!



So, it is official. I am in a relationship. Even though, I haven't reported it to ANYONE and I have not quite acknowledged it myself- I said YES to the invitation of being some one's woman, lol. I guess it is a new feeling seeing that I have not been in a relationship in five years- but I feel great about it. It's a new look- but I will get use to it. I am still a bit confused because at the moment- it's not where my heart is. Before now, I have never been in love- and I am quite certain that this is the feeling. It's just a shame that I am with a man who is in love with me while I am in love with someone else? Go figure! I keep telling myself that I am doing the wrong thing- but the fact remains that I am sick of being alone. It's nice to know someone likes you and feelings are mutual, but most times that isn't enough. I don't just want someone who likes me- I want someone who wants to be with me. And I was always told, "make sure your man loves you more than you love him or it will never work," and I am following those standards to a t. Everyone is afraid of having their heart broken, and I will never break his. I will never cheat and I will do everything he asks- but I can not control fate. At times, I wish I could fall back from the relationship- because all of a sudden Big Time and IDMR have come back into my life. That's how the cookie ALWAYS crumbles, as soon as you get into a relationship- all these niggas who treated you like shit all of a sudden become changed men. Well, I ain't buying it. I would be a fool to give up on this relationship only to find myself alone. I guess it's JUST time for everyone else to play the back burner. I am merely looking forward to the outcome of the conscious decision I have made. Will my feelings develop into more and will this relationship work? I don't know BUT I do care...

Tha Unadulterated Truth

Change is definitely apparent. I can see it, I can hear it, and oh- the TASTE of it; I can't even explain. I am a much different person than I was in six years ago, and anyone out there judging me on what I sinned in back then is living in the past. Truthfully, I am not the same person I was a year ago. It's true, I still live in the same city, same apartment, same skin but, I am much different on the inside. My outlook on like is so realistic and my understanding of happiness has been altered so much so- that it's unrecognizable. It's not how many shoes I own (don't get it twisted though, I still Love & Buy shoes), it's not who loves me back, it's just not superficial as it once was.

No matter what you do or say, people are going to look at you and make a decision of who you are, not having known ANYTHING about your life of what you've come from. There are going to be bitches who pretend to be you friend, but they simply aren't. They play the role, you know... kick it with you at the club, accept presents from you, offer advice- the whole 9. Then, months later you realize they were only befriending you because they thought you were after their man? Huh, that's funny. I guess bitches are applying the "keep you friends close and you enemies closer" more than ever now. The funny thing about that is- so many females are too ignorant, shallow, inferior and down right dumb to realize who their real enemies are. I always try to tell females (whether they be my friend or enemy), I am not you competition. The fact is what's real... Your man is a hoe. He is my friend. Now, if I was a hoe- that wouldn't mix. I don't care what ring was placed on what finger, your man has made many proposition towards me and if I wanted to fuck him tomorrow- it would be done. Your man cheats on you with and without condoms... how do I know it? I heard it from the horses mouth! There is nothing you could ever amount to or try to be that would make you woman enough to hold any many down, because you settle and you have way too much of a one track mind. I was never your competition- because you are not on my level. Never have been never will be. I am not the type to sleep around- FACT! I am not the type to be with other bitches' niggas- FACT! I am not the type to pop out bastards and be a BABY MAMA- FACT! I not only WALK- but I RUN the straight and narrow. I am not going to say that I don't judge- because everyone does, but I will tell you this, I don't judge until I am judged! If someone feels a need to use me and later betray me- I have no loyalty to you. If it's fuck me- it's fuck you twice over! That's real talk! I have never loved someone because they loved me. But I have hated because someone hated me first. I love people without expecting anything in return. Even though I know who I am- I still try my best for people to like me and to see that I am a whole sound individually, but at this point I am kind of done with that- because 7 months later- you find out that bitches are just phony. Go figure.

I don't go out to clubs to have fun, I go to clubs to spend time with my friends. I don't waste my time with conversation unless you are a person I really care about. The most I may do with someone I don't care for is speak. That's it, that's all you get- finito!

See, a year ago, this situation would have bothered me- but I am a different person now. I am so blunt- you could smoke me. Hater will STARE at you all day and only pick out your failure- while never seeing the beautiful person you've become.

Tha Truth (1983) About It

Well, it has officially been a year since a began this blog (3-5-06) and the thought of that made me sit back and think about what has transpired in the last year. Have I grown for the better? Am I more of an adult? Was this last year a waste because of the lack of progression in my life? Where will I be a year from now and what will I be logging? All these questions can be answered in details, but basically and in conclusion- my life is pretty much the same- but my angle is a bit different.

Today is the first day of classes and I still have yet to register, so it's not looking good as far as me ending the HIATUS this spring, but I am still hopeful. The fact remains that I only have 4 quarters left (3 if I take a couple 20 crediters) and by next spring I can move where ever the heck I want to. MIA, ATL- Daniel has gotten Houston into my head- but I am not quite sure about that one yet? All I know is, I got to get the heck out of Columbus- asaply. I wish to go down south for a few, maybe even think about grad school- but I have to crawl before I walk... GRADUATE!!!

My love life is crazy right now and with spring approaching it isn't making it any better. I have been talking to "Delphi" for a while now (a little over two months) and he is into "taking things slow???" I am not really sure what to take from that statement- but we have barely even kissed and it's starting to make me wonder if I am wasting my time? We have great conversation, dates, etc. but affection is in question?!?! It's so hard to get an individual gone out of your life when you like them so much. Even when you see all the signs letting you know that maybe you should move on, your head says no but your heart says yes. So basically, we are still talking- and every time I tell him it's over, by the end of the night it's as if nothing has happened. I guess it makes it even harder to stop talking to a guy when you work with him. MEMO TO SELF: "Never shit were you eat!!!"

Another thing about my love life that's funny is 5th Ave. & Polaris. Okay, so I have been going up and fucking down with the both of them for the last two years. And NOW all of a sudden when I am seriously involved with someone else- they decide that they want to clean up their acts & be with me? Hilarious! How about stop calling me, stop texting me- I don't have time for losers anymore! Niggas kill me, you can be so sweet to them for months and all they do is drag you through the mud! Then as soon as they finally wake up- they expect you to be sitting there waiting? Fuck that! I am done! Though I question it sometimes- I have a guy who is interested in me... and if he is really telling tha truth... he is taking it slow because he really wants to get to know me and build something with me. Honestly, Delphi is everything I have wished for in the past- it's just the fact that he seems to good to be true. If I am not going to be with Delphi- I don't want to be with anyone else. Because if he is playing games then- I have to be done for a minute. At this point, I am almost 24 and I am so done with being disappointed. If this shit doesn't work out I am out of the game for while. I will just focus on school, work and getting the fuck out of Columbus! I am not setting Delphi up for failure- but real talk, the only person I am depending on right now is me, because niggas will fuck your whole shit up!...

Speaking of people from the past, Boston has been hitting me up out of the blue. Again, it's funny how niggas find their way back to you once they wake up and smell the coffee!!! lol!!! That's all I have to say about him!

I am finding that if one is meant to be in your life, they will be there. Fate will bring them to you and if for some reason you lose contact or fall out, fate will bring them back. People grown up and... "everybody knows somebody, that knows somebody, that knows somebody!" It's only a matter of time before people see the good in you. The fact will remain that most people just don't know how to be real friends and just don't know how to love. After being let down, lied to, strung along, heart broken- battered- and left behind, sometimes it's hard to trust a new person. Sometimes it hard to realize that someone if being truthful with you. Erykah Badu may have had something going when she sang, "Pack Light!" Let shit go, because the things people have done to you will eat you up inside if you let it! Some pride themselves on the pain of others. If someone doesn't want to be with you, FUCK 'EM! If someone needs convincing in order to be your friend, FUCK 'EM! Tha Truth remains, you will have been a better person to them than they could have ever been to you, THEIR LOST NOT YOURS! THIS is the Tha Truth About It... you could read the words in my blog ALL day and still never know The Real Me and furthermore you could know The Real Me and read those same words and STILL not know Tha Truth About It, ironic huh? That's me- a little piece of irony!

For The Better!

As of late, I feel like my life is changing drastically. The things that use to hold so much importance are so meaningless now! All that really matters is being alive to see another day. I am learning to live in the moment and I am realizing that some things and some people are not worth the time and effort. Some people are hear with the sole intention to hurt you- but it is your choice to grant them the power to do so, and I am so sick of doing that- so I'm not anymore.

My life is way different than it was a year ago. I am rolling with a new crew (the cycle of the revolving door of female friends has NOT changed), most of the men I was SO concerned with before, I see them for who they really are- and MOST importantly my life is completely different. I have a new job, a new nephew & some call me "Miss NEW Booty!" Naw, just kidding, but I have matured so much. I have finally acknowledged that Maize & Blue hurt me beyond matter and I see that sometimes what I do to other people has nothing to do with what they have done to me- but more of what I have gone through as a whole (John Mayer- Daughters). None the less, I am moving on and I am finding that men are all the same- but it takes a keen eye to find the good in people... and instead of being that pessimistic woman I once was- I am planning the have a keener eye than which was ever thought possible.

I have been having reoccurring dreams about "Charge It To The Game," "Esco Bar," and "R." and I really can't figure out why! I guess when you become attached to the thought of something, even though you have consciously let it go... when you are sleeping and have no control- your subconscious takes over. And for those 3-4 hours (yea- I have insomnia- I work WAY too much & I pretty much never sleep) the TRUTH as you've know it- is REVEALED. I guess that is the good thing about dreams... it's the only time when you can really be happy. And even though dreams (whether they are the visions you have every night while sleeping, or if they are the ideas and aspirations you have for your future) may not be made manifest- they are real [to you], and that's all that really matters.

Well, skipping to a new subject, ATL has gotten back in contact with me. He wants me to fly out to Portugal in May for his playoffs. I am not sure what I am going to do, and after the "information" I found out last Wednesday, I am not even sure that I will be "ABLE" to make the trip regardless. I just find it funny that guys wake up one morning and decided that they want to be serious and all of a sudden WOMEN are supposed to forget about everything one put us through? Now that is "CRAZY"!!! My girls are all telling me to go, esp. since he is paying for the trip... but my heart- is never sure!

Other than that, I am dealing with Delphi and IDMR. These are two new code names I am putting on the table- but as you know- if you really have insight into my life, you know who I am referring to! Well, it is hard to make a choice between two good dudes. So, I am gonna be "Like A Boy" and just date them both. Fuck all the silliness. At this point everything is platonic. They are BOTH playing the same games- and I am not going to entertain the games, so as far as I am concerned they are on the same level. And, though it may seem different (Charisse ;-) Bar Louie Easton) I don't like one more than the other! I am just trying to find solis after so much pain!

I know I have had month long HIATUSES, but I will probably be writing in here a lot more in the future like I use to. I have had a whole heap of weird and appalling news in the last week and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. I hate to be the barer of bad news... so I have kept it to myself for the most part. I really can't bare to be the reason for worry and pain, so I won't. I did try to tell Delphi about it, but- I don't think that he catching on. It's funny how many cries for help go unanswered. I guess that is the way it was meant. Yahweh purposed it that way.

RIGHT NOW, I am just striving to be a better person before it is too late. Sometimes, you don't realize how great something is until it is all gone. I am not going to wait for the water to run dry! I am living in the NOW, and I am hoping to make my life better- GET TO KNOW ME!

A Better Woman- To Myself...

Man, Christina has some lyrics for dat ass, lol. I just have been doing a lot of thinking about life lately. Some things and people come into our lives so unexpectedly and just as easy they can be taken away. It's funny that, once someone or something is there- you can not even remember what life was like without them. Who did you call for advice? Who was your backbone? How did you use to dress? It's funny that the past is so distant even when it was just yesterday! I guess it is important to just be in the now! Don't worry about what happened or what may come, just live right NOW!

I am trying hard to be a better woman. I am trying not to be spiteful and most importantly I want to become a more forgiving person. Sometimes people just don't know how to love- they can't help it! I was talking to Candace the other night about friendships and how is it hard for some people to be friends! You can not fault them for that, but you just have to deem yourself lucky that you DO know what it means to be a real friend. Sooner or later, that person who was less than a friend to you- will look back and realize what you meant to them and that they will NEVER find another like you. I know that from experience. The thing that most people don't realize about me is that I will always be their friend. No matter how angry I may be at the moment, no matter how they did me wrong, I will always be there. Once we fall out I am not going to go tell all their darkest deepest secrets- I am not going to stab them in the back. I am just going to keep it moving. There is no need to beat a dead horse. Once someone is dead to me, once love is lost- it's as if it never existed.

I am not bitter anymore, and I do forgive Maize & Blue. I am realizing a lot of which I felt he did to me, I allowed it- so in reality, I DID IT TO MYSELF. For along time I was not able to accept love and I would be lying is I said I can now give love (because I have not made it to that goal yet). What I can say is that I have met someone who is just so perfect in my eyes. Everything is so easy. I am not sure how far it will go, or if we "JUST" continue to be friends, but I can say that I look forward to being around him. Bad things can happen to one their whole life- but maybe those bad things just happened to prepare them for someone else. All his adversities- I see right through them and he is the kind of man I have always wanted.

I am realizing that all my pain in the past has a cause- I just hope he is that reason. And is at chance he isn't, I hope in the end- all this bad shit has man me a better woman!

Understand...

He was with me, it was so real- but I found out it was FAKE because they're together now.
And they are building this life with one another- so I play it off like Tamia and, "Smile".
Because I was under the impression it was he & I, yet somehow I was the other woman.
And I was whisked under the rug before I could even take a stand.
Romance? off the table... cordial? not in my dreams!
Because that nigga is on some dogging shit and could care less about taking the time to redeem.
So, I have to make a decision, like so many other times, do I take this lying down?
Or take it THERE! Make him explain to me why he didn't want me around!
Why couldn't you love me right? Why couldn't you be my friend?
Why couldn't you keep it real from the beginning, I didn't want for you to be my man!
Traveling in and out the country, in and out the state, in and out the city- but you and I are in CO.
What did I do that was SO wrong that I get not act right in the SAME city & have been treated so cold?
I can't call it! But make me understand, I'm NOT mad, I just can't go through his shit again.
I need to know why I am ALWAYS stepping in the wrong direction? What's the unforgivable sin?
I just don't get it, I don't need your compassion- it's worthless to me, but I do need to know the real.
How did I turn you into this man that shuns me, why is it hate you feel?
No matter where I am it's the same, CO, EC, ATL, the Land...
I know I am hitting "you" with too many questions, but just please make me understand!

Untitled

It's funny that things can happen and for the life of you- you can't figure out why Yahweh would purposed something of the such. Well, I am at the point in life where I am not questioning it as much as I am realizing that maybe I need to focus more to see the bigger picture. There is life after college (or in my case there WILL be), there is definitely life after Nordstrom (though I am not yet comfortable and accustomed to it), and most importantly there is life after heartbreak.

Here recently I have been getting closer to a guy I have known my whole life. I am not certain if it is going anywhere, but it's funny to realize that sometimes people aren't exactly who you thought they were. Everyone has infirmities- some more than others, but one has to step back and consider if it is really worth putting up with another person's flaws? I know that in general I am a person who puts up with damn near everyone's flaws because I have realize that underneath them is something that I could never afford to buy, and something that so many other people are missing out on- yet I am privledged; so I don't mind flaws.

This is my first blog in a while and my writing is a little off wack, so bear with me, I just have so much on my mind today- I will probably be writing in this again later. Anyhow, as I was saying the guy I have been getting to know is having a lot of problems with my flaws. I guess my biggest flaw is the fact that I tend to come off as cold hearted, and in his words "I have a wall up and I am a woman scorned!" The funny thing is, when he went on his little rampage of yelling at me and telling me about myself- inside my head all I could do is agree. I do have a wall up, I am a woman scorned, and the sad thing is- on every level... I don't know how to love anymore.

THE Over Reacting of a DIVA ( ;-) Easy Mac)

It's crazy how backwards I am. Most people put you through trials and tribulations before they can feel you have their trust- but Lindsay, her tactics are way different. When it comes to me, I do the opposite- I start off in most relations and friendship COMPLETELY naive and gullible. The funny thing is, once one lies to me, once one shows we I can not trust them, I never do again. Yes, I am somewhat forgiving, but the fact will remain that my emotions run deep. I can forgive but I never forget. Now I am getting to a point where I am critical of everyone- even the persons I know are JUST running game from the start. I have been allowing myself to feel too deeply of people who do not care about me at all- and that has to end. My problem is that I perceive people as if they are people who think like me, and the truth is- is that most people- nigga specifically, are not caring or careful- they're just careless.

In 2006 I have found that people are who they are. What you see is what you get and STILL in many cases what you get may be even less that what you see. All of these truths have lead me down this path- that cause me to be way too critical of the people I am involved with- both romantically and emotionally. Sometimes people are just busy. Sometimes people are just tired. It is true that maybe people MAY be with another girl, but none of that matters- you have to take things for face(book) value.

Right now I am feeling a little heartache from the rejection of my bABY. All I can really do is move on. People are who they are. Yahweh has purposed for my life to be the way it is. Maybe I don't have the mind right now to see the bigger picture, but I do have the mind to see that this is not the end for me. I will not have to always live vicariously through other people and there will not always be friend who judge by the relationships they are in & feel pity because they are being dragged through the mud. There will be a point when none of that matters. There will be a point when all of this that is happening to me will be a bad dream. It will be over.

The fact is I am just going through a rough patch in life right now. I feel like the men I have become accustomed to treat me like I am invaluable, and after being treated that way by so many people, you start to believe it. It's crazy that the certain people in my life who actually matter can tell me what a beautiful person I am and I won't believe it, but then someone who I really couldn't care less about can say one ineffectual thing- and it will stick with me. It's always easier to believe the bad things!

This month has been classic Lindsay. And I will say, that this has been by far the worse month of my adult life. What scares me even more is the fact that this month is not over, it could get worse! I am working through it though and I am getting over it. January will hopefully be here before I know it. The start to another Gregorian year (not Abib). However in the midst of all this drama and turmoil- I still can't stop thinking about Esco Bar- and what could have been. I had a dream about him the other nite, and it's funny that dreams are the only time when what is buried in you mind manifests its self. Yet & still, his dreams are coming true one after another. Esco Bar is Cinderella... and I just wonder- when will it happen for me?

Sometimes It's Just Better To FORGIVE & FORGET!!!

Harboring on past negative emotions will eat you alive. The people who have done you wrong are not sitting around in a room with their friends bashing you, they're not laying in bed while listening to sad slow songs crying, and they definitely aren't letting the pain they've caused you- to retard them from moving on an finding love or loyalty somewhere else. My best bet is they don't bring you up to their friends at all, their nights aren't spent in bed crying, but lying next to someone else and they did not learn to be a more caring and sincere person to the next one the befriend. So, why do we continue to punish ourselves for someone else's infirmities against us? Isn't the initial pain they've caused us punishment enough?

I know it will take time but I am trying to learn to move on and be happy. When I put all things aside I can acknowledge and realize that my past relationships had their rough spells, but I was truly loved. There weren't many moments when I wouldn't lay in bed crying, but I would look over and think to myself, "I can't believe he is mine." I had a person to fuss at, and when I questioned him about something- he gave me an answer. Yea, many of times the answer may have been a lie- but he gave me enough regards to do that. I know that in the past couple of years I have been kind of bitter- but I know that life does go on.

My girl ran into her ex boyfriend in the club and they had their first meeting since the BIG BREAK UP. She ended up crying and we had to leave the club a little early and even further she continued to ball the rest of the night in our friend's bathroom, but when she did calm down to talk to me for a minute, she told me that he admitted he wasn't happy and he made a mistake. Before he left she told him that she still loved him and she will always love him. Her statement made me realize that I feel the same way. Sometimes shit is so thick that you don't realize how much someone hurt you and what your true feelings really are. When you truly love a person that love NEVER ends, so it's selfish to ever have a person in your life and get upset with the fact that they are somewhat involved with an ex. Yes, there is a fine line of separation- but real love can never be lost.

The funny thing about life is that we get so wrapped up in portions that don't really matter that we miss the BIG PICTURE and the significant things go right over our heads. It's not that someone cheated. It's not that someone lied. It's not that someone left you shit faced and broken hearted. The BIG PICTURE is that for a moment- as brief as it may have been, you got to experience real love. Untainted, real love! All the bad spells in the world couldn't over ride that.

In the back of my mind I will have a little sour puss in me, I will always high light the "he did me wrong" eras, but the fact will ALSO remain that I am now acknowledging the good time also. I guess I regret that this didn't come earlier- then maybe my chances would have been clearer for Esco Bar, but I am starting to realize a lot about that situation also.

The other night I had a mutual friend of our's (Esco & I's) reveal some things about him and his childhood. I know that I have never come at him with nothing but admiration, but for some reason he always rejects what ever it is I am trying to express. I was convinced for a long time that it had something to do with Maize & Blue, but now I am realizing maybe it just had something to do with him.Those eighteen years you spend "growing up" shape your life. Every thing about them [the eighteen years]. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. If the walls could talk maybe we would bemore understanding of one another. I think that I came up in a certain manner that MAKES me acknowledge that everyone has personal battles and demons that maybe they just CAN'T overcome- I have yet to overcome my own. I know I have tried to address some of my issues, but I don't see them ever being resolved, so for a moment in time I know some things are just better left alone and sometimes it's just better to FORGIVE & FORGET!

As If I Didn't Write Enough In Today's First Post!...

Israel Kamakawiwo ole has made me think a lot about life lately. I guess his version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow kind of grew on me when I was at work. Then, after months of hearing it- and then hearing it on a Cheerios commercial(I think it was) I did some research and found out who the artist was. My girl CandASS downloaded it on my thumb drive for me and I have been dowsing myself in the song ever since. I found out Israel died in 97'... he released the song on his album back in 93' and the record company just up and decided to release it as a single in July! The song is some 80 years old, his version is 15 years old and the guy has been dead almost a decade and now- we're just realizing how great he was. I sometimes wonder will this be my fate? Will it be waaaay down the line when I am dead that someone finally realizes my worth?

Man, this song is so damn relaxing and deep. I want people to read my shit right now. I have a lot to say...

It's Been A Long Time, I Shouldn't Have Left You...

Well, where do I start? So much has happened since the last time I wrote in here. I really thought things were over with Big Time, but somehow we got back to talking and things are way different than before. I am actually ready to take things to another level with him, but the fact remains that he does not trust me. For some reason I have picked up on the fact that he believe I have a hidden agenda. There aren't too many things I can do to let him know how much I actually am feeling, and there is only so much more I can take. He hangs up on me and flips out on me for no apparent reason, and every time I hear the slightest apology- all is forgotten and forgiven. I don't know what it is about him, but it's another on of those destined crushes. I always want, what I could never have...

Esco Bar, dude took his rudeness to another level. He wouldn't even confirm me on facebook and when I sent him a note asking if we could "just be friends" he replies almost a month later- no, but I have a dude for you.... blah blah blah. First he wouldn't talk to me because of Maize & Blue, now this little troll who follows me around the club happens to be his boy- which adds on to the impossible task of grabbing his attention. It's been a long time coming, but I think I am done with Esco. Yea, he will always be one of the finest men I know, and after this year he will be one of the most adorn men in the history of OSU, but I can't force someone to see how much I like them- especially when all they force themselves to see is the bad in me.

Then comes my bABY, seems like that is another lost cause. No matter who I choose, low key or high profile- things NEVER work. It's always something. The time is never right. I think we are both just in different parts of our lives. He is much too young for me and now I am kicking myself for even letting me feelings seep in. Life is a bitch!

Who is left? No one really. At this point I am just dating a whole lotta dudes that don't matter. I guess I treat them like they treat me, I don't matter to them. My days are spent in boredom and my nights are spent lonesome. My life sometimes reads like and epic tale- but right now it's just tragic. I don't have any apparent drama with any females (for once), and I actually have a slew of cool chicks to hang around- but that can only do so much.

Funny shit, ATL hit me up from London the other day. I had a feeling it was going to be him when I saw the intl. number in my caller id, and of course he had an ear full for me. He had an excuse for every bitch calling me, he had an excuse for not e-mailing me back after a month, he had excuse on top of excuse. I am a forgiving person though, and I realize people make mistakes and should be forgiven for them when they gain enough courage to fess up and apologize for it. As of now, he did tell me his real age- 26, but the girlfriends and baby mama rumors are still false pretenses according to him?!?! I am not going to worry about it though- all comes to light in the end.

I guess I am learning that people have to do things in their own time. You can't rush them. Sometimes people are not quick to trust (Big Time) because they have been let down in the past(ME!!!). Sometimes people are really just tired (bABY), not with another girl and instead of tripping and making things worse- take the niggas work for it. And sometimes men are loyal (Esco Bar) and instead of trying to change his mind- one should just acknowledge what is honorable about being loyal- which is one of the reasons he is likeable to begin with. No rush we got nothing but time. Sometimes when you step back and be patient- things will work themselves out instead of forcing things- and shit ending up all bad- like it is now!

Skipping along to Polaris- I waited for a year and a half and now finally I think he is coming around- funny thing is I am so over it. 270 and 71 go South and North- that nigga can come see me. I am not even going to give have the regards of picking up my phone- there are so many other niggas I can waste my time with.

More than anything I am learning that I have quite a bit to be happy about. Auntie's Bubble Bee always smiling

or crying when I wake him up to talk to me, lol.
I have a group of chicks that I love hanging with & that show me love!

And even though I hate to admit it, there are SOME men in my life that I am having a blast with... "Pops" not my dad, even though he is old enough to be ;-) CandAss, lol. Either way, he is schooling me just like my Dad does. Just from being with him in the last year I learned that older men are not different than younger boys... they just have better cars (Sittin on that Mercedes, lol) and better real estate. Women have to do the growing up for both parties which is why we have to stay super focused. I just gotta stay focused and get this book written by the end of December. That the most important thing right now and this is the beginning of my career.

Men are crazy ya'll! I guess this is why I was so thoroughly disgusted by my last relationship some? four years ago (almost), that I am just now getting up and dusting myself off, lol. Wow- 2 Aaliyah quotes in one post! Anyhow- one never knows what's in store. Life gets better. I know what it means to be truly happy and I know what it means to be truly sad- and right now I am neither. As I meet more and more people I find- my problems are really nothing.