"Don't It Always Seem To Go, That You Don't Know What You've Got Til' It's Gone?..."

~Joni Mitchell

She sang it, I live it. It's taken me sometime, but am finally learning how to appreciate every moment in life and all of the beautiful things in this world Yahweh created. I think the first moment happened earlier this year when I was looking up at the ceiling in work. Yes, it is the regular filth covered industrial factory- but there was something about how the sun shone threw the windows at a perfect angle. Geometrically- it was lovely, and I am quite certain that no one has and no one will ever be able to appreciate that beauty I witnessed. Even if I pointed it out, they would never seen it through my eyes. It was that moment that I began to wonder, "how many lost moments of beauty have I missed out on in my past because I didn't take the time to realize or I didn't have the heart rather?"

Well, that thought lead me to one experience I will probably never have again, but I will always remember, and if the were some minute chance- I WISH I could relive it! Freshman year (2001) Ohio State vs. michigan football in ann arbor. My seat where front and center- friends and family section (for michigan) and there my sister and I were- all decked out in SCARLET & GRAY! I guess back then I wasn't into football and I wasn't aware of how big the rivalry was- oh, if I could turn back the hands of time...

I am starting to think about my past relationships... past friendships... past opportunities that I just let pass me by. Things I just can't forget about. The people I hurt, the people who hurt me... the people who hurt me... the people who hurt me... "the one that makes you happy, they say HURTS you the most!" I guess it really is too hard for me to cherish the memories without remembering the pain. Every time I tell myself it's going to be different- I convince myself, but it never is- it's ALWAYS the same. Lyrics are crazy!...

Smug? How can you look at someone who loved you like that? Proud that they are in defeat? That's it for me, that was the end- the smug look!

"I'm threw with it LOVE, I'm threw it- threw it LOVE!" ~Destiny's Child

lol, but I am done. This last time really hurt me. Even though I hate to admit it, I am hurt. Real hurt. I have to look defeat in the eyes everyday without saying a word. I am hurt and I will continue to be hurt for a long time. Sanity- is a thing you don't miss until it's gone with the wind. As if I didn't already have enough weight on my shoulders, thoughts on my mind, stress on my soul. This last time really hurt me...