Past-Present

Just lying here in my old bedroom. My how I've grown, but things haven't changed. I've always felt trapped. I'm done feeling this way. I think about this so-called new year approaching and I want to make goals. I can't be in this same place when 2013 is approaching.

I just want to be able to breath. I want my own little place on this earth. Somewhere that's not tainted. I want friends who are secure. I just want to be happy, by myself.

Single isn't so bad. People want love, they just don't want it with me. That's something I've accepted. I just want a consistent positivety.

Serial Insomniac

It's crazy, for the last two years I've had insomnia like crazy. Last night, for the first time in a long time, I slept like a baby. I guess my mind is clear and although that moment of clarity was forced on me, I appreciate it. I've finally got the drive to move on. I forgot what it feels like to be love, to be like even.

I've been emotionally painting myself in corner for years. I go after men who are interested and then when the forseen manifests I blame them and oddly enough I blame myself. Instead of seeing everyone is not for everybody, I've been destined to change the stars. In the end I now see, I have to fuck with whoever fucks with me. You can't force interest on money or people. It takes times and more importantly one has to already have a substancial amount of stock to already invest.

No one wants to be with an insecure, inconfident person. Men love women who have already found themselves.

I am done loving people--male and female--who don't love me. In an effort to be kind, I also welcome advances from people I could never have interest in. I'm done with that too. Friends are friends. Lovers are lovers. There is no gray area for me. I've never had a man "grow on me." And I suspect it won't start happening now. I'm either going to have to wait, patiently, or settle.

I'm not blaming anyone and I know Yahweh has it all set up. The last time I remember being happy in love--I wasn't happy in love, I was happy to be in it--was during the 5th Ave/Polaris era. I'm going to get back to that, maybe tonight. It's been six long years since I've loved someone freely with no inhibitions. With them, it didn't matter what they had or where they came from.

I'm just ready to get this last day over with and let the 5 day weekend come on. We usually get off and hour early the day before hxoliday time, so I'll be out by three if I can get myself out of bed and into the office.

I want to always be proud of the woman I've become. I've made a lot of mistakes in my 28 years, but gratefully I have done anything that I can't bounce back from. I forgive on every turn and I've been taken back by some people who are so undeserving of the treatment I've given them.

My heart isn't heavy and I'm finally sleeping. This time around I played no games and it didn't work out, so I'm leaving my problems at the alter. No one else will do me like Yahweh does me and he's given me rest.

May 1, 2012

I don't know what it is about writing this last poem that has me plagued. I've been trying to write it for weeks. It's pretty sad. I want to get all of these feelings out on paper before my next trip to Cleveland. The reality is, I am ready to move on. Just today it hit me, I am focusing on the wrong man. If Yahweh isn't the be all and end all, then he can't be the all in all. I thought I'd made up with Darnell last time I was home, but it turns out, he is still being a jerk. But I am happy about it. It reminded me of how much I was feeling him in the late summer/early fall. The way I have been obsessing about Dynamite is the same way I was obsessing about him. In the end, I will get over this Dynamite thing. The only reason it's taking so long is because there are no other prospects and I put him on a pedestal taller than he.

In the end, it would have been beautiful, but would have is not good enough. I need someone who understands I am just as special as he is. I want to be 50/50 which really means 100. I'm not asking for too much. And, I don't deserve to be treated like trash. I know, the affirmations are killing this post, but it is what it is. I love who loves me and I dismiss who hates me, in theory.

Life is hard and death is easy and I'd have it no other way. I am so appreciative for what I have and I try to remind myself of how lucky I am. I have had the pleasure of knowing my parents my entire life. I have two strong, beautiful older sister who provide a perfect example of what a young lady should be. My nephew represents all the pure truths that I try to ignore. My relationship with Derrick, my best friend, has proved to be both challenging. Every one is everything I need. A man could only be the icing at best.

I am sure that down the line space will be made for a more permanent place for men in my life, but not right now. Games are the thing of the 20s and I'll ride it out gladly. I think 2013 has something in store for me & CMB anyhow. Out with the old, in with the new. 29, bring it on!

Poem Cry

Good dude, you know I love you but all you say is prove
It, on some b shit, but I never quit and I'm feeling this is the end of this
You say go up and I do, then you say I'm not down?
I'd rather you tell me to leave. Be real you don't want me around

Tell me who I have to be to get some, I'm not Lauryn, so I won't say it
And I ain't your dad so I can't play it.
And I ain't the other girl so I can't sing it.
All I can do is write it and hope you read it how I mean it.

Sometimes I sit and wonder from where the hate comes
You say you ain't thinking like me, so what are you thinking of
I see ur other girls and I'm thinking maybe I ain't light enough
And it kills me to know all I have for you is unrequited love

I swore we were better than that, but you aren't even my friend
And when I take a step back you say I'm acting like a man
You want something sweet but you pitch mud at me
I don't know if ur just bitter or if I just make you that unhappy
Cause if you don't have feelings, like you claim not to have
Why we always got conflicts and awkward laughs
You treat me like you don't know me when we're in the most public of places
But when we're alone you hit me with the most intimate of embraces
I won't cross that line without certainty, but when I say commit you say you ain't ready
Then the next week you have someone else with whom you're steady
So what's really going on

I got you on this pedastal. I got you as a dream
Not even my type, but I wrote you in the scene
I smile while its killing me and I stop by for a glance
I keep waiting on my moment, I kept waiting on my chance
Sent text message as a lullably, cards on Valentine
Still I've never been given due consideration that should've been mine
You give so freely to opposites and nothing to the one who relates
Never asked for a relationship just wanted to date
Been had me writing poems never even thought about a ring
Shit I barely even rap, but you make me want to sing
I just wanted to be close to you. I just wanted to be by your side
I didn't need strings attached, I just wanted to ride
I wanted you to care enough to set aside pride
I wanted to be there to brave your lows and around to salute your highs
I wanted to be with you from eternity through the end time
I wanted all of this knowing you'd never be mine
So, why should I keep trying when you never gave me a fair try?
I can't see 'em coming down my eyes, so I gotta make the poem cry. -For Dynamite

I Can't Cry for You; Melt My Heart to Stone

"And I hear your words that I made up. You say my name, like there could be an us. I best tidy up my head, I'm the only one in love. I'm the only one in love." -Adele

I could lie, but I won't because this is supposed to be our truth.
Nothing on this earth will be right if I don't have you.
I could say I'd stand still, but the reality is I'd keep moving...
All the while I'd be pretending I'm not wondering what you're doing.
I want to be there for you and give you what you deserve.
I want to be so in love with you that I'd go to the ends of the earth.
And you tell me you think the world of me, but you put everyone in the world before me.
And you act like I'm the bad guy to warming up to other men who show they adore me.
Then you tell me you don't want to be in a relationship and I turn around and you're seeing someone else.
It's like you do just enough to keep me on the shelf.
You don't even speak to me in public, so what do you want me to be?
 Because even at your best, you're not treating me friendly.
It's like I'm at the bottom of the barrel and I don't know what I've done...
To go from "you'll always be in my life" to "you'll never be the one."
It's like I never mattered. It's like I was never there.
And I can't even cry for you. It's like you never cared.

"I hear your words you made up. I say your name, like there should be an us. I best tidy my head. I'm the only one in love. I'm the only one in love." -Adele

-For Dynomite

Dynomite

I don't know how I feel anymore. I thought I was in love, but not so much anymore. Maybe it was infatuation. Maybe it was lust. Maybe it was convenience. I refuse to believe that love would treat me so coldly. It's even sadder when you think you really know the person who is causing all your pain. I think I have a problem with putting certain people in my life on a pedestal. It's like I expect hurt from some people, while other I hold in this light of perfection. I guess I'm just setting everyone up for failure.

At the end of the day, it is what it is. I can't make someone love me if they don't. There are no words (spoken or unspoken) that will change how one feels for me. Although, I think that it's common courtesy to hear a person out. I've always let people say their piece, whether I thought they deserved it or not. I've always been fair. I can not understand why I am not treated with the same regard. Why do people think they are better than me?

Because I refuse to let the words of my heart fall on empty ears, I'll say it here where it really matters.

A long time ago, I met a boy. He started as a friend until one day I realized how fabulous he is. He never showed interest in me, so I decided I'd go at his pace. He kept girlfriend....girlfriends that I'd of thought were beneath him. Then one day, I took a love and for a long time, I stopped considering that boy. Once Maize & Blue was out of my life, I saw that this boy has become a man. And for some reason I caught him when he was single. Even when I wasn't trying, I'd run into him. I understand that running into a person you know isn't usually a big thing, but it's an astronomical thing when those two people live in different cities. I had run into him at Walgreens, CVS, Dillards, Beachwood Mall, Skully's, just the most random of places. We've never talked about, but I wonder, if he ever thinks about it...

To make a long story short, I felt like all of these encounters combined with feelings I've harbored for nearly two decades meant something. But I found out last Wednesday that they and I mean nothing at all. Sometimes people have egos and pride issues to compensate for something else. I only hope that one day he sees what he walked away from.

Batter Up!

The right guy at the wrong time, that's the charm of Lindsay. No matter what I do, the cookie always seems to crumble that way. I'm starting to get comfortable with the thought of being alone forever. That scares me. Being content with settling isn't healthy, but it is what it is.

Things aren't going to greatly with CMB. The normal progression of things are fine, he's looking for another job and a new apartment so that he can move on from his current, romantic situation. Surprising to me, he has been going out to the club and hanging out with the fellas as well. The biggest shocker is that after over two years, he started drinking again. All those things are saying he really wants to be with me, but I am nervous that this isn't going to work.

We see eye to eye on so many things, but still there is this divide. We don't have the same goals in life. I want to be in love, get married and have babies. He just wants to be in love. I guess I am looking for someone who WANTS to be a husband and father. He says that if we took that step, he would do anything to make the relationship work, but I don't think marriage and parenthood should be something that is compromised. You compromise Splenda for sugar, faucet water for Evian, but one should not decide that to make his/her partner happy, they will become something they'd never planned. I think that so many relationships are founded on that notion and true to form, so many relationships are ending.

Being madly in love and seeing yourself in another person's soul is no longer the making of marriages. It's now butter and bullshit. It's like, what can I do to slide through the cracks. What game can I spit to get this person to thinking we are on the same page.

I don't think CMB is insincere, I just think there's a divide we are both unwilling to address.

When I start with the serious talk, he shuts down. He makes it seem as if it's all one side. But then when I start referring to him as friend and homie, like I did about 6 weeks ago, he sends me a song called "Lotus Flower Bomb" and says it describes how he feels about me. Not, 6 weeks later, the song is a single and people are playing it out and I am starting to feel the same way about our ups and downs....it's played the fuck out. Either you want something or you don't. Everyone needs time to be alone, but somethings got to give. I can't keep up with the hot and cold. I guess if would be different if I were luke-warm, but that's far from the truth.

I feel this man. And I can't say he is the one, but I would love to be with him. I guess it's kind of like IDMR. Some people just never leave your heart. No matter how hard you try. I talk a lot of shit, but there are some people who will always be under my skin and all it takes is a glance from them for all the feelings to come rushing back.

So, right now I have these two fabulous men in my life. They both have a completely different endings to offer me. They both irritate me to my bones...but even in the thick of it, I think they're both incredible. With all that being said, neither one of them is stepping up to the plate.

Aimless Babbling, Free Verse, The Good Angel

He's with her and he isn't in love, so it's all a waste.

I can't even take the effort to wish to be in her place.

We talk everyday, but it's more like our souls are inter-coursing.

And I want to bad mouth her so much, but it's not worth forcing.

Because done is already destined. Leave well enough alone.

And really how much can be done over the phone?

Full promises with out the means.

No empty lies but selling dreams.

But if it's not going to come to be,

What's the difference in between.

I know he's on my right side, but what else is left

unsaid. And what makes him different from the rest?

He's says I'm going in the wrong direction, so I turn around

Now that I'm headed North, he wants me to be down?

I can't lose for winning, but I can win and still lose.

If I ain't getting the one I want, what's the point to choose.

Something that started over a decade ago, could it come to fruition.

I don't know, but that's mainly because it's not my decision.

I love him and I have no doubt he loves me.

But that makes no difference anymore because we are no longer 13.

They say that's unlucky, so what do I think of this.

I can presume that what we have will cease to exist.

I shoot from the hip, so I'm the bad guy. He is rehearsed, so he's politically correct.

But why is it that a well thought out lie gets more respect?

It's that spoon full of sugar, but I am about taking it straight.

I guess that's why so many men just can't relate.

But he is eye to eye with me in my mind and my soul.

And although we try to get away from each other, we just can't let go.

for: Cash MONEY Baller

You're Not Alone

No matter how bad things seem to be, I have to keep reminding myself that I am never alone. My mom told me that the other night. I don't have too much to say. Life ain't good, but it could be so much worse. And Cutie Patootie makes me smile. I have a flight in the morning that I am terrified to take, but I will try to remind myself that if He is for me who can be against me. Some things just should make a difference anymore.

Case of the Ex

I never thought I could miss someone from my past so badly. To be honest, even when we were together my feelings were luke warm at best. Now, it's something different; I am really feeling this man. The only problem is, he has a girlfriend.

I am really thinking I need to fall back. He calls and texts me a bit much for someone who is in a relationship. I keep telling myself it isn't healthy, but it's not my job to enforce his relationship. The bottom line is, I don't respect his relationship. He is with someone else's baby's mother. What for? I wish I could just say, leave her and come to me, but I could never be the catalyst that breaks up someone else's happy home. This is classic Lindsay though. I always find the right man at the wrong time.

This is a guy who chased me for years. He was my first boyfriend. We went to each other's homecomings together. Sheesh, if it weren't for that, I would have never met or been with Maize & Blue. We have so many fond memories together.

The boy I once knew is now a man; facial hair, muscles and mentality. He has grown to be the kind of man I could see myself marrying. This is different than any other infactuation I've ever had. He is a guy who has always loved me for me. He liked me when there was absolutely no reason to like me. I'm talking about Kirk Middle School Lindsay. Baggy pants, tomboy, hair not combed Lindsay.

I remember Love & Basketball's opening weekend, he took me to see that movie. It was the same weekend when Jason Moore, the kid I'd been chasing for 5 years, finally decided to ask me out. I'll never forget, I had to make a decision. Go out with the guy who'd I thought was the man of my dreams and stand up....Money, or keep my plans with Money and say fuck Jason Moore. And I did the right thing. Smalls decisions like that have spawned into very important eras of my life.

Later than year, his girlfriend of four years broke up with him 2 weeks before homecoming. I didn't have a date to mines and decided to page him one night to see if he'd go with me. I went to his, where his ex and her friends followed me around all night after he won Homecoming King and he went to mines, where thirsty Shaw High chicks hadn't seen him since we were 14. Crazy how things work out.

Who knew that one of the guys who he introduced me to at his homecoming would end up being my first love and first serious relationship. I wish I could take that back.

Anyhow, I am doing a lot of babbling and maybe I am just infatuated, but I think Money is amazing. Who knows what will come of this. I couple of months ago, I though IDMR was for me, but he turned out to be a narcissist who is all about playing the field, and now I have no feelings for him at all. I am hoping that things don't turn out the same way for my Money. I really think he is for me. I can't believe that Yahweh would have kept him in my life for this long without reason. By chance, this is the third time we've reconnected. It's been fifteen years. I hope he doesn't end up being another ex-file on the cabinet.

In The Words of Jill

"If it stinks, then it stinks. If it's good, then it's good. If it's beautiful, then I need to make sure it sounds that way."

It is what it is. Even if I begged and pleaded, it wouldn't matter. Some thing just aren't meant to be and I am starting to trust Yahweh again. I trust that he knows what he is doing. Picking the person I want to spend my life with could not be that simple; nothing in my life has ever been simple. It would have been nice to be with someone I always thought was my equal, but he is afraid that I will end up hating him? What a cop out. Yet, every time my name is called, he does a 180. And the one time they got my last name wrong, I saw his reaction. I may not have acknowledged it, but I saw it and I took mental-note. Funny, those things the face tells that lip service tries to conceal.

Where will we be when all the chips fall? I won't have the regrets that he will, because I tried. I tried hard. I am just a person that believes certain lines should not be crossed if you're not going to go all the way. Why kiss me? Why even hug me?

I think that the male ego gets into the way of many blessings. No one will ever love him the way the I would have, could have. I guess it wouldn't be such a shame if I knew in my heart that he doesn't want to be with me, but he does. There is no good reason not to go up aside from him being a masochist.

Too bad. It would have had a beautiful ending.

Cast Down, but Not Destroyed

Ann Schultz died last Thursday. She was a sweet kind person I had the pleasure of working with for the last year. She brought the kind of joy and light heartedness that I wish all people had. My heart cries for her. Her death reminds me to be a better person, for Yahweh.

Don't Leave Me Like You Came

Bottom line, some things will always be unacceptable in my life. No matter how much I think He has changed me, I have a temper and I am dealing with it.

Last night I made a simple comment about my Dad, next thing I know people I've never heard of or met in life start talking shit to me. Of course I rose to the occasion. Then people I know jump to the defense of these cowards who have nothing to do but talk shit on Twitter. A girl I've known for many years tried to check me because I referred to her cousin and his mom as a bitch. I guess she doesn't know what kind of person I really am. Don't let the degree fool you. I guess there is supposed to come when I stop defending who I am and what I believe in, but I haven't gotten to this place yet.

The fact is, in life there will always be people like DJ Steph Floss & Darielle. Hatred exists and the devil is real, but I am happy to know that there is a man named Kinley. Who knew the simple tweet, "When I have a son, I'm naming him Marvin," would cause so many people anguish. I am not an angry, mean or mad type of person, so simple tweeps never have bothered me. I must admit, that sometimes I like to rowel people up. This probably sounds like a lot of babbling, but in all fairness, I'm a half-sleep insomniac typing it up at 4:21 in the morning.

I've been through so much in the recent year and I've been lower than I ever had in my life. I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I am starting to get my faith back. I can't allow Satanic people to bring me back to where I was 6 months ago. So, instead of continuing to deal with persons like Darielle and Steph, I decided to block them. I blocked them, not to fuel to fire, but I blocked them for myself. As I grow, I realize that I can't surround myself with certain kinds of people. I only deal with a certain caliber and someone people are beneath me.

My life is good. It always has been. I am forgiving my so-called enemies and moving on from the things that happened to me in the past. If bad happened it to me, I deserved it. I guess I deserved the tweets that Steph caused earlier. It is what it is. It's still all love. I've known DJ Steph Floss was a hater for a while now...the ish Neal told me mad that clear months ago. And Darielle, all I can do is laugh at her pathetic existence. Our mutual friend told me that she has been jealous of our relationship from day one. I kind of feel bad for her. I don't even know her and she obviously doesn't know me--and I'm find with that. She's miserable.

Anywho, the only one I can think about is Yahshua right now. I just want him to be proud of me. I just want him to save me. If you hate yourself it doesn't matter how many people love you. But if you love yourself, it doesn't matter how many people hate you. I trust in Him and everything will be okay.

P.S. I know this wasn't my best post and I'm def. not gonna edit it. MUAH!

I Miss Him

I miss Him. Not clear what or why I am going through this. Yahweh is my all, even when I don't know it. My tummy aches and I'm going to bed. Yashua, save me please. I love you.

Sabbatical Year

I need a rest from everything and everyone who brings stress into my life. I just want a year to breath easy without the drama of it all. No gimmicks and no facades. I'm young. No matter how much other people try to imply otherwise, I know where I stand in life. I haven't done anything too damaging to my own well being. I can bounce back from anything especially with Yahweh on my side.

The last couple of years have been rough for me. I never thought running away from the circumstances I left in Cleveland would present me which such anguish. Two fires, 3 restraining orders, witnessing a murder, a pipe bomb and last year's break in are just a mere shadow to all the drama I've been through. I never thought that physical things being taken away from me would cause so much pain. I haven't talked about it with many people outside of my family, but it changed me. It changed me in a way I hate. All of my plans and dreams were shattered in the moment that I got that phone call. It got me to thinking, if losing physical things could hurt me so much, what of my spirit?

I just need a year to reflect. A year to focus on my future is detrimental to my future's success. I'd like to move and I'd like to get another degree in the process, but first I need a plan. I need to rest my mind and my body. Get my health (and weight) up to par and one again I would like to love the person...the woman I see in the mirror. I want to be proud of my judgement. I want to be the girl who left East Cleveland. For so long I blamed my parents for things that really weren't in their control. They want the best for me. The brought me much farther than their parents ever could for them, and for that I am eternally grateful.

In this next year I want to relax, reflect and repent. I want Yahweh to bring me the faith I once had. I do want to touch the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, but I too want to touch the Tree of Life. Maybe I will jump out of the frying pan and into the fire, but I hope that's not what Yahweh has in store for me. For some reason I know better. It is his will.

Just Chillin'

There is not too much going on in my life; I've just been chilling. I'm trying to figure out my next move. I don't know where I am going, but I know the direction is up. I am trying to get back the faith I once had in Yahweh...unwavering. I am trying to get the trust I had in humanity. I want to believe that people aren't cruel and the negativity I come across is not with intentional. Life is hard. I never knew it would be this hard. I thought that if I walked on a prescribed path certain things, not everything, would be guaranteed to me. I thought I would be married by now. I thought I would have a career and I though I would be a mother by now, but none of that is the case. So, now I am trying to figure out what my future will be.

Who will be my friends and allies? Who will be the man I love; do I already know him? Will my family be okay. And the most important concern of them all is, does Yahweh have me in righteousness?

A while back I thought I found someone I was compatible with. We grew up together in the same bible school. I am starting to find, he is not who I thought he was. He seems to be worse than the men I've met on the street. He intentionally does shit to fuck with me and I know it. He won't even follow me on Twitter. I am sick of the petty games and ignorance. I can't be 100 with him without some snide comment. It's always something. What happened to friends? What happened to love? I guess it never was.

I am content, but I know I won't be this way for long. I just want to breath fresh air and have someone appreciate the life I appreciate. I want to work hard and I want to love harder. With Pierre, I pushed things and it turned out all bad. I realized this was a decade ago, but I lost my focus. I wanted to make Sean jealous and it spiraled out of control. And because of Pierre I missed the last year of Jason's life. I lost a lot for the relationship and I've never recovered. If I would have waited, better things would have been given to me. So now, I am learning patience .

There are so many things and people who don't matter, but I matter. I may never be a scholar or the type of woman who had men falling at my feet. I may die without a single soul having known the real me. In the end, I want to know I will be okay.

Many years ago I took a trip to Houston to visit Milbry. We went to a psychic on our way to Galveston. The lady told me I would always be financially stable and happy. Since then I haven't been much of either, but I have faith that I will. It saddens me that I have more faith in what some woman on the outskirt of Houston, TX told me than I do in an Elohim who has provided me any and everything. I know my faith will be back, eventually. I just hope it's sooner than later. No point in smiling if I don't really feel it.

A Day Like Today, I Miss You

I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start. I love you. I always did love you from the moment we spoke. I will love you for the rest of my life and I miss you. I miss you when it rains. I miss you when I'm lonely and I miss you when I don't have anyone to talk to, which is almost always. You were the kind of friend people dream about, but you were real. It's been ten years since we last spoke and eight years since you passed. My heart feels empty.

They say the good die young, but what of the bad? I hope you never knew them. My good friend Jay, you are the epitome of a warm spring day, of life, of love.

RIP Jason Robert Dorsey August 24, 1982~April 17, 2003 I love you.

A New Me

It's official! I have finally been cleared for my first post grad job. Who thought it would take a year and a half. The job is not even in my field and I am not going to be making nearly as much as I expected, but I feel blessed. A week from yesterday I will be entering a new era of my life. I am going to take this opportunity to start over. To be the person I should be. I hope I can do it. I hope I'll be happy.

What is the world to you. What means the world to you

Water into wine. Water into blood.

The best things and the worse things can come from the same love.

What is the world to you. A four block radius with no space to grow?

What means the world to you. Some won't experience anything worth enough to know.

My pleasure is my pain. My pain is my pleasure.

What I gave fully, I was only given in measure.

Such a paradox--those ideocracies of love.

Notions made too popular makes believable a deceptive tongue.

Do you love me for a reason, because it has none nor rhyme.

Although it claims to be infinite we assign it a time.

Anniversaries and deadlines and if someone doesn't meet our ultimatum...

We say we can't live without him, yet we won't settle for dating him?

And what is said of a marriage held on unhappy terms?

What did we come for; what did we learn?

Reality and a dream, where is the division in between?

What would you come to will if you had the means?

The glue in the beginning is what leaves things falling apart in the end.

And nothing is worse than losing a lover, save losing a friend.

What's the bottom line, what really counts?

What's closer to make believe or what's believable with out a doubt?

Over Time

I can't look into his eyes because I'm attracted and he's attractive.

So if I don't start it up, I'm just reaching for a reaction

Flirt a little here and there, but that's neither here nor there

Take it with a grain of salt, because I'd be turned by his stare

I'm not Lot's wife, but I could be his

And we aren't parents yet, but we could make kids

And a lot can spawn from the urban sprawl from which we once lived

Pipe dreams to pipping things

But where's the divide from what is real and what is seen

And a whole lot of jealousy can arise from eyes that are green

Trust, I am just blowing smoke, but remember where's there's smoke there's fire

Cause the only deception is professing that I'm a liar

Light skinned and light hearted and I wish I could get something started

But how can we have a mutual final destination if we differ from where we departed

So far yet so close and problems? Yes, there's a host

Feelings always get the strongest for the ones you try to push away the most

So instead of telling him, I tell this rhyme

And instead of it being over, I'm working overtime

Then maybe one day his feelings will be the same as mine

~OT

Moving

I need to move into my own place next month. I have been debating on what area of town I want to move to. I narrowed my decisions down to the Central area. I'm not an Columbus-East side kind of a girl and my current stint on the west side has learned me that this area isn't for me either. Downtown and Grandview Heights seem to be my only options. I'm starting a new job in two weeks and I am taking a pay cut, so Downtown doesn't seem to be as realistic of an option as it did a week ago. The good thing about Grandview is, it gives an awesome view of downtown, with half the hassle and nearly none of the unsavory characters.

This angle has me thinking a lot about life. More accurately, this angle has me concerned with my current dilemma. Do I want to be a part of the view or do I want to enjoy the view?

In life there are many things I am coming to learn I will never be. It was never in the stars and Yahweh never made it a part of his purpose. Loyal friends, certain men, even certain opportunities just don't happen for everyone. While this saddens me, I try to look at the brighter and more significant side of life. I have an amazing family. No matter how often or how much my parents have let me down, I have so much respect for them that I'd rather live in black and white than to let the color in my life disappoint them. I have two sisters who are so different yet so phenomenal that it causes me shame to look in the mirror. I have this priceless family, that for better or worse causes me to not only be, but want to be a better person.

I can't have sex. I can't do drugs. I can't lie. And with all these restrictions come freedom. The things I can't do are my peace of mind. They are the things that saves me from Yahweh's condemnation.

I don't have a boyfriend; maybe I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I'm not okay with that, but I have to face facts and prepare myself for what might be. As Layzie Bone once rapped, "Prepare for the worse and hope for the best and the rest is written." If I am alone, I have to know that I can buy a home, a new car, support my family solely...be okay. If seven years from now I'm still alone and I decide to become a mother, I want that option to be feasible.

Maybe I will never be rich, but I never was. Honestly, I never thought I would live past the age of 12. Where I come from there aren't expectations--but exceptions.

Life is what you make it and I've made it. Next month I will not only be moving, but moving on. I can't keep up with the Joneses, I can only live the life that My Father deems acceptable. Clubs are cool and I've always loved going out, but I think the lot of the time I was just running from my own thoughts. Sometimes a quiet room can be the loudest place.

I am okay with the woman I've become. I love my thought process. I'm proud. Not many people understand me, but I get it. I sometimes beat up on myself, but I get that too. So I guess I won't be the trophy. I won't be looked at, but me view will be immaculate.

On The Rocks (A Watered Down Poem)

I seem to want him the more I resist it

This leads me to believe I may be addicted

Not even my type but he's got me afflicted

Nothing leading up to this could have predicted...

The ups and downs, highs and lows

Where I use to be closed lipped, now can't keep my mouth closed

But most men like a chase and if you ain't playing hard to get

They're so quick to dismiss you, so quick to reject

But if you play too hard they call you a tease

A medium that's hard to find, but a medium every woman needs

I've never been into game playing, so I can't play the role

Upfront and direct, even at the cost of being alone

And I know the routine of what happens after my feelings are shone.

But one thing I can't seem to condone...

The twists and turns, hills and valleys

The road to redeeming love has only allowed me

I complain sometimes, but with growing there is pain

And I'm trying to understand if the costs are worth the gain

If the man is worth the trouble when he ain't even my type

Or if my addiction is just fueled by the hype?

~for Candlelight aka THE

Appreciation for my Brothas

Reach for the sky. See most black men hear this coming from the law.

Stopped on suspicion or stopped without cause.

Yet, when it comes from encouragement it's not as conceivable.

When will they reach up for Yahweh, is that still unbeileavble?

Because every man wants someone to believe in him, why would He be different.

And why can't we see that they only thing saving us is our sinning?

I wish I could get through to my brothers, let them know their worth.

Let them know their importance, let them know they come first.

Long Time No See

Well, a lot has happened. When Dunn died I was at the lowest point I've ever been in my adult life. Everything that could possibly go wrong, did. For a while I thought it couldn't get any worse, but I was wrong. Let's see, I let myself down on every level possible and yet I'm still here.

Someone broke into my apartment and I can't stop thinking about it. What they took from me is something that I feel I will never be able to get back. They took my peace of mind. They took the little bit of joy that I brought away from East Cleveland. And it's fine. I probably will never stop thinking about it and I probably will never get over it. I'm a spiritual being having a physical experience, so what of it? As I struggle to get my thoughts together, this post will probably be extended and insane babbling. But non the less, I am here.

Ive been trying really hard to forgive myself. I want to let shit go. I can name a million things I will never be and I have to find a way to accept it and move on. I'm not perfect. I struggle to brush my teeth, wash my face and wrap my hair at night. I've gained 25 lbs since July. I obsess over men who feel I'm not good enough. I'm a very jealous lover. I don't know how to express myself; most people think I am cold blooded, but I am sensitive to a fault. Most days I have a chip on my shoulder. I've had problems forgiving people who betrayed me, mainly myself.

At the end of that day, very few people know me. I have means strikes, but I am fun loving and silly. I break out into song and dance at the most random moments. It's a side of me that most people will never see, but the people who have can't get enough of it. I talk shit, but overall I love everyone. I wish that people would take the time to learn the real me.

Everyone is so judgmental. They read tweets or see me out at the club and make assumptions. I came from nothing. I don't know. I guess I just need to get a lot off my chest.

I found Dave Whitted and Dalana Giles. They both have two children. And after everything and over a decade of not talking, they still love me. Dalana & Dave were my best friend since Kindergarten. They don't make love like that anymore. People who care about you for no apparent reason at all. It's not about education or occupation. No one is judging you from where you were raised or who raised you. Past relationship, none of that matters. I miss that love. It's been a long time, but I think it's coming back into my life and it's right on time.

xoxo

Inconsistent

I'm so inconsistent when I'm pushed into this instance

of life and normalcy what everyone else calls existence

Adulthood, degrees, all the things I am supposed to be.

Religious yet supersticious. A lady in the streets but a freak in between...

The sheets and pure contradictions we pile on ourselves.

Cause everyone wants to be different, but we put the real us on the shelf.

And I'm not doing well with playing parts and wearing the mask

Yeah I can code switch but who gets the last laugh?

I'm trying to be the woman my parents are proud of but is it realistic?

Because if I keep going down this road my happiness will never be considered.

I could go all nite, but I just want to get me feet wet.

Haven't been back here since May, I've been too upset.