Unfinished Business

So, when you leave one phase of life and MOVE on to another- knowingly having not completed all the tasks or gotten rid of old feelings that you think you will always harbor, what do you do? I just want to start over, but starting over entails leaving certain things and certain PEOPLE in the past. No more phone calls, e-mail, letters. No more thoughts of them, or him somehow working his was into my dreams via my subconscious. I have just got to go cold turkey- no more "Charge It To The Game". I mean, I am going to go for what I know. I have tried numerous times in the last six years to let go, but I just can't. I guess I will just go the rest of my life wondering, what really happened between us- but I sure as hell don't know!

MOVING along... there are other people in my life that have caused such a bad influence, that I can not wait to be away from them. Niggas, who have never left the hood mentality behind and never quite learned how to treat a woman. I guess that wouldn't be a bad thing if I hadn't learned how to love and treat a man. But, unfortunately- my drive to love is so strong that I can't control it. And many times when I wish to just "play," my heart gets pulled in. That's why for so long I couldn't get rid of Polaris and I damn for sure couldn't get rid of 5th Ave. But now, I am starting to MOVE on. I see people are just trying to pull me down so that they feel better about their lives- and I can't let it happen anymore!

Closure is something that everyone needs. I guess in the case of Charge It To The Game, I am just going to have to let those feelings stay buried in Ohio. I think with 50, I loved him for so long that it was so hard to let him go, but eventually I did... and soon there after he somehow got my number out of one of the few friends I have left back in E.C. and called me trying to spit game AFTER HE DOGGED ME for 6 years. HA! I guess it's logical that I am still not over Charge It To The Game, I liked him a lot longer than I liked 50- or any other man for that matter. So, I guess it only makes sense that it will take a little bit longer to get over him, but I am pretty certain 07' is the year.

Right now I am just trying to STAY focused. No one will ever love me the way I love me. I love the fact that I can look in the mirror, because it wasn't always that way. All I ever saw was dark skin and nappy hair. All I ever saw was hate. But I learned that beauty is something that you have to be in the right state of mind to see. I always thought other people were ugly. I always found flaws in them, but that was only because FIRST- I found flaws in myself. But my mindset has been altered. I now see the beauty in things.

It's not always about money or who has the nicest car, but who loves you the most. Leaving OSU, the only person I can think of who just loved me for me and I just loved him for him is David Lanier. I am sure there are a few more names hidden here and there, but it never was the flyest guy who showed me love- but it damn for sure was the realest.

I guess I will have a year to REALLY think about things (if that's long enough). Then again I will have a whole year to MOVE on with my life. Hopefully somewhere in there Big Time and I will be together, because I truly do love him, but if not- well, I will just have to live with that. Like he once told me- we are on the same page- even when we don't speak... we know we are both thinking the same thing; words can go unsaid. Just the same, some things are better left undone, some feelings unexpressed and some business unfinished!

Bent Not Broken

Rules, why are the really made. Some say that they're meant to be broken, while others go with the concept of JUST bending them. Which ever you feel, it seems there is no time when one completely goes by the rules. Never cry over someone who isn't worth you tears. The irony in that statement is apparent because the ones who are worth my tears never make me cry! Never choose a male "friend" over a female "friend, friend being the operative word on one hand meaning lover and on the other meaning disguised foes. In a world so cold where people no longer know how to love, how is it possible for a person who STILL has love in their heart to act on it?

Right now I am so far beyond hate that I don't know what to do with myself. I know that there are people out there constantly talking about me, but it's time to let childish things go. I mean, what do they really matter anyway? None of them are putting money in my pocket- and none of them give a damn about my well being. So, instead of harboring on what someone has to say about me- I'd much rather keep it moving. You know! Since they're not putting money in my pocket- focus on my job and finances. And since none of my hater are worried about my well being, and am determined to be in better shape and better health and most importantly, I am convinced that I have to make so detrimental changes in my life to succeed in someone of my unfinished business (my degree, my book, my love life with.... wouldn't you love to know). It may all seem like babbling to you, but this is real life. It's not myspace, facebook or a blog- this is the real. There comes a point in every one's life when they have to admit HATERS do play a role and as much as I "hate" saying it, they have caused a negative affect in my life. But all in the same breath I MUST say that, though the haters bent my I've never been broken. They can't break my stride.

With this move, new job- new city I have decided to bring a new me. Ms New Booty you can call it, lol. I remember when I first arrived at OSU, I found a way to stay out of drama and that was by staying to myself. Once I let "friends" in, thats when it started- and after 6 years of being in Columbus, it's still happening. I will say this, even after I made "friends" and drama started I STILL stayed out of it. When they were going to the club, I NEVER went, I stayed in my dorm and studied. I guess that explains why I got that 3.66 GPA my first quarter here while most others had .somethings. Then, I messed up, and I never got back on the right track. I bent that cycle, but I did not break it! This explains why I am getting back to THAT Lindsay... The no nonsense, stay out of other bitches business and drama type of chick. I am back.

You see this world love to see one fall. Beyonce did it and she popped right back up. Aaliyah said it of her Star Search loose. She got back up and dusted herself off, thus her song "Try Again". The thing I am realizing is that certain things are meant to be never broke, in fact not even bent, while other things are meant to be done away with. The only thing that I have that has been broken is my heart- and the funny thing is, someone probably just meant to "BEND" it, but they didn't realize that with your heart, it's all or nothing. But I feel that if I have had a broken heart for the last 6 years and 8 months (the day He walked out of my life) and I have STILL found someway to move on and make something of my life- success has to be around the corner. Because, I have been hurt BAD, and it's not letting up. So, somethings got to give.

I'm Happy

Through all the bullshit and drama, right now I am so content. I am seeing straight through all the negative things that are being thrown at me left and right. This is so crazy because THIS happiness is all as a result of Big Time, a nigga I haven't talked to in (exactly) two weeks. It's funny when words don't need to be spoken (literally) and you know STILL that you are on the same page as that special person. He is all that matters to me right now. Yea, there are other men who I kick it with here and there- but none of them are serious about me, so I am not going to waste the time to be serious about them. I guess he has touched a part of my heart that I thought had died and I am so glad. I had given up on him time and time again... and when I called him to end everything- he told me everything I've ever wanted a man to say to me. Unedited, straight from the heart.

People have a lot of negative things to say about me, but sometimes it takes a person who has been through the same shit as you- have to judge you. The bitches who came up in paradise- I couldn't care less about what they think of me. The niggas who are mad I wouldn't let em' fuck- I couldn't give a damn about em'. But a man who has been through it all- I respect his opinion of me. It means so much coming from him. I once read an anthology- and for the life of me, here four years later I can't locate the passage (the anthology is over 2000 pgs long & I'll be damned if I reread it for 20 lines), but it's basically an African American female writer pleading that she would never want a white person to write a biography about her life. While all they would see, define and acknowledge is the fact the she grew up poor- they would never be able to fathom, preserve the fact nor present that she was all along HAPPY!

Real Talk

OK, so first and foremost... fuck Facebook's honesty box. All it is is a tool for cowardly bitches to take a shot at you and for niggas who are too shy to approach you to find their way! Speaking of cowardly bitches, I got this hoe at Delphi I have to deal with now! She has been apparently pretending to be my girl- trying to roll with me and the whole nine while secretly hating on me behind my back for the last three month. She is after a dude who wants to be with me, so she felt that if she could get us mad at each other she would win him over? HA! Not a shot in hell. See, girls need to realize that once I have made my way into a dudes hears there is no turning them against me. You may get them mad and roweled up for a bit, but once the calm down and have time to think about how great of a person I am, they will be right back. Don't take it as conceit, but I know that I am a real and genuine female- and that's hard to come across in 2007. Just to be honest I know I have an attitude for the ages, but when you have so many other positive aspects of your life- it out weighs a little attitude.

See people have theories on me. Apparently I sabotage friendships? Well, my thoughts on that theory is this- a REAL friendship can not be sabotaged. The fact is, you were never a good friend to begin with so I didn't value you being in my life. You see, when I have been a friend with a person and I stop fucking with them, they always come back and try to get cool with me- so it's quite obvious that if I didn't do the same to you, I never gave a fuck about you. Though I may play the blond role- don't mistake it. I know who my REAL friends are and I know who is just fronting. I know that I have a close acquaintance who throws herself at every niggas she sees me show interest in. She wears her breast out on every day of the week and tries to flaunt because she has nothing to offer. Just the same, I have a friends who does the same with her ass. Tight jeans, super shorts dresses TO THE MALL!!!!!? Whoa, is that all necessary? See, bitches can say a lot about Lindsay- but the can not honestly say I don't have class. The only thing that separates me from the rest of you hoes is I have enough ball, moxy and confidence to call you perpetrating hoes out! I just don't give a fuck! I will tell you how I REALLY feel about you- with no regards. This is the only reason I have ever had DRAMA because I SPEAK HONESTY to you face and don't have to hide anonymously or wait for facebook to add an application! You chicks need to get brave and say what you have to say to my face. Other wise it will go out with the junk mail! & that's REAL TALK!!!

What Do You Do When...

You don't know what to do? In the famous words of my co-worker Matt, "I don't know what I don't know." It's funny, or puzzling rather when someone can profess their love and respect for you yet- they don't answer your calls or return your texts. Paradoxical actually. You can have SO much wrapped up into one person- and they just can't see. No, I can't even say that he doesn't see- because I know he does... but he can't change, not even a little. There comes a point when one has to make a decision and judge whether someone else is worth the drama? i just don't know yet.

I have found an untapped resource in my mind lately. I place full of emotions I never knew I has. The NEED to stick up for my mother. The NEED to stick up for my father. The NEED to stick up for my "immediate" family. It's funny that even the family members you THINK are your closest can sometimes be the most hateful, deceitful and conniving persons alive. What is it all about I ask; jealousy? What would cause a sister to downplay the pain and suffering her two older sibling went through? SATAN! What would cause a cousin to back stab the one who they have ALWAYS looked up to? SATAN! I can't worry about it because it is all in Yahweh's hands. What I do know is this, though my mother may have a sister, she raised me in a much different manner than that which her sister raised her children and though we are cousins- we are far from alike. I watch what I say and if I wanted to I KNOW ENOUGH TO MAKE AN EMPIRE FALL... I don't have to go on fallacy and exaggerate/make shit up. I know what I am talking about and there is no way that a female who is a child at heart could ever phase any part of my life. I just pray for my family- because ignorance takes people down & hatred keeps them down!

Regardless of what is happening in my personal life, I have made the decision to never let things bother me- whether they are too positive or too negative. Meaning, sometimes you think things are too good (positive) to be true and sometimes it seems you life could never get and worse. But as I said before, we have to make a conscious decision to make our life what it needs to be.

Now and RIGHT now, I am making the conscious decision to love Big Time and no one else. I know it make cause me a lot of pain and things are always up in the air, but I believe in him and I know he is worth it. Like he told me, we are friends- and that is before everything else. I can't worry about the future- I can't only deal with that which is in front of me THE FUTURE! And furthermore, I hope that he is my future- if it turns out that he isn't, I don't know what to do. I don't know what I don't know!

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Let shit go! Plain and simply- bull SHIT is not worth harboring. Yahweh has already predetermined EVERYTHING so rather than fretting over something you have NO control over- know that it's in HIS hands and already done! I find peace in that. Most things that use to bother me before, I don't give a damn about. I know my life is tailor made!

I remember watching an episode of CW's The Game where one of the NFL wives was suffers from a breakdown. In this episode the other two female characters Tasha and Melanie advise her to put her husband in check. Though he is the bread winner of the family having a successful NFL career- he suggests that his wife's duties are no as important. She has the breakdown during a very important playoff game which after, she writes a list of objectives she needs to set straight in her marriage... but when Jason leaves in the middle of the game as he hears of his wife's illness, she is so baffled- impressed- and shocked that he would leave anything concerning his career to cater to her, that she discards her list. Well, I said all that to say- this is how I felt about Big Time. When I got back to CO on Monday, I was really upset. I wrote a 2 page poem, which is something I haven't done since 03'. I was sitting around my apartment the next day deciding how I was going to give it to him. By mail? Leave it on his nightstand? Drop it under his door? Windshield? The question was so puzzling to me because I KNOW that I have never given someone a poem I wrote about them and carried out a successful relationship/friendship. It's something about my poems that jinx me- so until I am ready to let someone go, they will NEVER read what I have to say about them! I remember back in 2003 when My Lil' Squirrel stumbled across the poem/rap I wrote about him on my computer. I guess that should have been a sign that I should have let him go before I even got in too deep- but I was to charmed to read the signs.... Too bad!

Anyhow, I couldn't really figure out how to give the poem to Big Time, but I knew that it was time for me to move on. I wouldn't just re-write it neatly or type it out and have it handy next time I visited Cleveland because I knew I wouldn't have to let him go. Needless to say, Yahweh didn't let me do that. Indeed as soon as we got on the phone, it's like Big Time just started pouring out all these feelings. I sat there lying on my bedroom floor (which I NEVER do) with tears pouring, and as I glanced over to the stack a ragged ends of notebook paper that had been pulled out from spirals in time past and time recent- I knew there was no way in hell I was going to forward that last entry to him... NO WAY NO HOW! It's not over!

This is why I am starting to realize that there is not reason in being unhappy- other than the sole purpose of having a contrast so that one can know the difference. While I was sitting there until 4 am writing the drastic poem... then continues all Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons debating on how and when I would give it to him, I never knew what Yahweh had in store for me. By 2:48am on Thursday morning I would be feeling just as Kelly did on The Game- Happy. Just as she had the paper in her hand waiting to tear Jason a new asshole when she saw him, she never expected that he would show up for her. She quickly whisked the paper away under her sheets in the hospital bed, just like I disregarded the poem.

It's funny no matter what my poems are about, happy or sad, I almost always love to go back to the "archives" and read them- but this poem is different. It's over, I am happy- and I am not revisiting those thoughts that were prematurely envisioned.

I Loved This Man My Whole Life

It;s hurts when you find out information about someone from your past in a fucked up way. I am starting to realize that- eventually, one gets over it- as will I. "Charge It To The Game" has a son. A cute little son and he still isn't talking to me!?!? I guess that's alright though, because for the first time since 2001 I am making a conscious effort to move on from him. Well, aside from wishing him happy birthday, I am moving on. It is what it is! It's funny how things like birthdays become excuses for staying in touch with people. As if it is really deemed necessary and priority to wish someone well, when it probably better off if you say nothing at all!

Speaking of birthdays, yesterday was the 26th of Delphi's and somehow in a drunken stupor at Rosie O'Grady's last night, I texted him. Which between 11:38pm and 4:25am- created a string of texts that basically rekindled something. I am not sure what it is but SOME THING! And after talking all that shit, "Here we go again!" ~DMX

Oh yea, and Big Time- that is anything but over, matter of fact after last night I realized that it has just began. The first week of July was kind of an anniversary for us, but to me it seemed as if there was no progression. Well, June marked our first official date! I mean, it wasn't Applebees, I mean the man took me downtown to Hype Park, so it was all good- but the date within it's self was somewhat of a disaster. We pretty much argued the whole time, and though we were just short of making a scene in front of a group of Cleveland's rich White patrons, we calmed down before that arena was penetrated. But as funny as that night went and how ironically he called me as I was stranded downtown in need of a ride last Friday right as he was rolling two streets away, I never thought that he would bless my ears last night. We had one of those monumental discussions of a lifetime that I will not soon forget. I think I had many with Charge It To The Game" one with Esco back in 06' My Lil' Squirrel hit me with one back in 03' but this one succeeded them all. He told me that I was his friend, his REAL friend like on of his niggas. He explained to me that I have the trust that even his mother hasn't merited. Shit, a lot was said, but at 2:48 am he told me I was the strongest woman he has ever known.... and the tears started pouring. Sometimes, NO! All the time, I am such a cry baby! All I can say is that it was an eventful evening...

So, two Negroes from Delphi tried to catch me up as if I ever belonged to either of them. One is a baby daddy twice over and is a known Delphi hoe and the other is living with his FIANCEE' and somewhere in there I was expected to be faithful? Niggas these days!

Anywho- things are looking real up. I am keeping the New York shit under raps- I guess except from the few if any who read this mess! I am loving life and for once it is loving me.

"Don't It Always Seem To Go, That You Don't Know What You've Got Til' It's Gone?..."

~Joni Mitchell

She sang it, I live it. It's taken me sometime, but am finally learning how to appreciate every moment in life and all of the beautiful things in this world Yahweh created. I think the first moment happened earlier this year when I was looking up at the ceiling in work. Yes, it is the regular filth covered industrial factory- but there was something about how the sun shone threw the windows at a perfect angle. Geometrically- it was lovely, and I am quite certain that no one has and no one will ever be able to appreciate that beauty I witnessed. Even if I pointed it out, they would never seen it through my eyes. It was that moment that I began to wonder, "how many lost moments of beauty have I missed out on in my past because I didn't take the time to realize or I didn't have the heart rather?"

Well, that thought lead me to one experience I will probably never have again, but I will always remember, and if the were some minute chance- I WISH I could relive it! Freshman year (2001) Ohio State vs. michigan football in ann arbor. My seat where front and center- friends and family section (for michigan) and there my sister and I were- all decked out in SCARLET & GRAY! I guess back then I wasn't into football and I wasn't aware of how big the rivalry was- oh, if I could turn back the hands of time...

I am starting to think about my past relationships... past friendships... past opportunities that I just let pass me by. Things I just can't forget about. The people I hurt, the people who hurt me... the people who hurt me... the people who hurt me... "the one that makes you happy, they say HURTS you the most!" I guess it really is too hard for me to cherish the memories without remembering the pain. Every time I tell myself it's going to be different- I convince myself, but it never is- it's ALWAYS the same. Lyrics are crazy!...

Smug? How can you look at someone who loved you like that? Proud that they are in defeat? That's it for me, that was the end- the smug look!

"I'm threw with it LOVE, I'm threw it- threw it LOVE!" ~Destiny's Child

lol, but I am done. This last time really hurt me. Even though I hate to admit it, I am hurt. Real hurt. I have to look defeat in the eyes everyday without saying a word. I am hurt and I will continue to be hurt for a long time. Sanity- is a thing you don't miss until it's gone with the wind. As if I didn't already have enough weight on my shoulders, thoughts on my mind, stress on my soul. This last time really hurt me...

A Woman's Worth...

It's crazy where inspiration comes from. Alicia keys wrote a song after watching a Revlon (?) commercial, that in my life has caused a movement. I am so sick of knowing who I am and people not realizing it, so I am making a conscious decision to exile some of the mutha fuckas out of my life. I guess it started last night when I was talking to Big Time. He just made a few statements that let me know he doesn't give a damn about me- after all we've been through. So DELETE. It's that simple DELETE and move on.

I went to meet an acquaintance on campus last night and that whole thing turned out to be a fiasco. She isn't my friend, and it seems that every chance she gets to TRY and throw something in my face she does, but they funny thing is- I have already peeped game, so she is just making a fool out of herself. Last night was the latest. She BEGGED me to come on campus to join her and SOME other people. Of course when I got there it was just her and her date (a nigga who has been chasing me for the last 15 months). It's funny, I guess she was TRYING to make me jealous- why else would you lie and have me be the third wheel when there were no other people around? Needless to say, when I say it was just the two of them I fell all the way back until she kept screaming my name to come closer to them. Upon doing that, this drunk fat ass PROACTIVE needing nigga mugs me!?!? And for what reason? Maybe because he tried so long and couldn't get inside of this! HA! What a bust! Then continues to call me a bitch, my mom a bitch, etc. And what did she do? Stand there and let it happen. I am all too familiar with this seen. It's happened twice before this past year, one of which ended with me getting spit on and coincidentally- she was there to WITNESS that too. I guess this week we all are witnesses, because that bitch did nothing to defend my honor. Now there are many things I could do to retaliate- but one thing comes to mind; remaining silent and letting it go. My neighbor warned me about her type. He told me that she is a hoe and that nigga pipe her talk about it and clown her. He told me that by rolling with here I was polluting my image, etc. So I decide to measure my worth and stop hanging around chicks who are inferior to me. This is exactly why I have been falling back and laying low lately. She may have thought, damn I haven't kicked it with L. in a bit- but that was all by design. As for her ugly, pimple infested, fat ass- bastard having nigga she is rolling with who thinks it's funny to disrespect and strike females- he has his coming, lol.

Furthermore, I have just been sitting back digesting a lot of things lately. I have been doing a lot of listening and a lot of people watching. Silence truly is golden. You can do more remaining silent that you ever could speaking because people will always wonder what you are thinking. Everyday I am becoming more comfortable with myself in my skin- who I am. I am becoming more proud and I am loving my life and every bit in it both good and bad. Everything happened for a reason.

I will say this, I am lucky. There are tons of people who hate me and even more who wish bad things upon me, but there are a seldom few who love and appreciate me and those are the ones who count in my life. Though I am away from many of them (The fam, Derrick & Howard) they are still my constants. I know my worth. I know who I am and who I am looking forward to becoming. People need to learn to stop pretending to be someone they are not, because once you find who you really are- everything else in life falls right into place. I know it, I'm a walking testimony- I guess you could say, I'm a witness!

I've Voided Your Excuse/ You Can Save Your Song And Dance...

You see, my little cousin "Nikki" had something when she started that 0 tolerance policy last year. No shit from any nigga! Well, I am going to start applying this policy to my life. I have to tell you, it's hard not to go back to a begging man after you've been dealing with him for years. But, as I said before I am sick of being that on again off again girl. There is going to be nothing different about THIS time! His apologies are still the same. There is a point when second and third and fourth and fifth chances just become stupidity. In the infamous words my girl Nikeya Wade spoke to our manager Matt, "I won't allow myself to become any man's flunky."

I am at the point in my life where I am done dreaming and ready to take some actions. I have nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain. If I got up and left Columbus tomorrow I wouldn't be leaving much behind. Really OHIO as a whole. If I left Ohio tomorrow the only this I would be leaving behind is an unfinished degree and my family. Now, yes- those are two very important things in my life that I am not ready to let go of just yet- but a year from now? A year from now I will have completed my undergraduate studies. A year from now will be the same as today concerning my family, because I know no matter where life leads me- they are always in my heart and they are always backing me 100%! So, there it is.

Right now I am on my grind. I am pinching every penny I have! Saving here- doing me there, lol. I have definitely realized what is important in life. Man, I tell ya- I have ignored so many phone calls in the last two weeks that I may as well disconnect my damned phone. I am sick of hearing niggas' bullshit. I am sick of hearing bitches pretend to be my friends. The whole process is just so exhausting- so why front?... why even answer?

For a while I was so dedicated to trying to secure some college friends. In the world they say these are you real friends, the ones you remember for the rest of your life- but that's not real talk! I am going to leave OSU with the same friend I had when I came here- DERRICK. Of course I am going to have a plethora of experiences and stories- but that's it! I am just so ready to move on. In a way it is comforting to know that the people I needed in my life have been there for the last six years- its just sad to note that I didn't recognize them for who they are!

I came to OSU a young lady and I will leave a WOMAN. There will be many references to my past- but I doubt I will mention many names. I tried being friends with man, I tried finding love through many- I guess I even tried finding myself through many. I now realize that this is part of growing. I will move on never looking over my shoulder wondering WHAT IF? I gave everyone A chance. I asked many for A chance. I tested every relation/friendship and I came out null and VOID. So, I am doing what TWEET sung, I am VOIDING all the excuses that are coming at me! I want everyone who is in my past to STAY in my past!

Send Me Packing!

On the real, I am sick of people being nice. At times is much better and way more appropriate to keep it real. If you don't like someone anymore or you never did- just let them know. The earlier the better. Don't sit around wasting some one's time being cordial- SEND EM' PACKING!

It's funny how differently men and women think. The logic of male and female is so contradictory- that it is no wonder that we can't get along. All I know is that I am tired of the past and it eating away at me. I am tired of being the off and on again type of girl. It's all or nothing from this point forward. If you're not acting up to par with my standards I'm sending you packing and taking names later!

Let Him Fly...

At times, there are no apologizes great enough, no compassion sincere enough and no love deep enough to do right by a person who refuses to see your better side. You can write him poems, e-mail him, text him just to say, "hi!" It doesn't matter, if he is looking for bad- that is all he is going to see. I am 24 and am now learning that sometimes- you have to just let go. Not having the guy you want is punishment enough- stop punishing yourself further by hanging on. With that being said, I want to send a final bid to "Charge It To The Game," "Esco Bar," "Big Time," and many others who have been the corner stones to my blog and my heart for many months~ many years.


"Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart."
~Anne Frank


I am a good girl and no matter what I ALWAYS look for the good in people. That's how I found Howard Baldridge- my Ace Boon Coon! Everyone was telling me he was a shiesty nigga, yet- I'd rather to find out for myself. When I did- I found that he would become one of the most valuable assets in my life. That goes the same for Aric Caine. I realized that these two young men may have done many people dirty- but as long as they have never done dirt to me- I will never look at them under those conditions. See, most people don't have this concept. Most people are not willing to find out for themselves. And, I guess THIS is why the guys I like won't (not don't) like me. They are so use to being brainwashed by this persona of "bitches ain't shit" that they feel to realize that maybe they should find out for themselves. Therefore, I have failed before I have even tried- because I have this image to go up against that I haven't even created! What sense does that make?

It's sad, I will never have the NFL player, never have the team captain and never have the big time D Boi, because I will always be playing the back burner. I will never have the regular niggas because they are too scare to approach me, I will never have the rich nigga because I am not polished enough (I guess it is the E.C. tomboy in me). I can go on forever telling you what I will not have, but most importantly- I will not have another nigga down me and label me as something I am not because they fail to believe- fail to find out first hand- fail acknowledge BEAUTY.

It's an issue I've have been wanting to address... How you can you treat someone like they are temporary and expect them to act like they are eternal? How can you treat something like shit and expect it to taste like sugar? How can you treat women like trash and expect them to turn into treasure? You put in what you get out! I am just sick of dealing with it!


"Ain't no talking to this man- ain't no pretty other side/ Ain't no way to understand THE stupid word of/ It would take and acrobat, but I already tried all that/ So, I'm going to let him fly... You must always know how long to stay and when to go/ and there ain't no talking to this man- he isn't trying to tell me so/ It took a while to understand the beauty of just letting go/
~Jessica Simpson Let Him Fly



I want to send a (BLOG) Rest In Peace shout out to...
S.C.C.
T.J.S.
R.J.A.

Well I'm That Mutha Fucka All Day!!!!! My Version

Have you ever been to Disney World or walked through your favorite amusement park and saw a ride you wanted to get on but you weren't tall enough to get on that mutha fucka? Or, been eating popcorn and your mother, sister or brother wouldn't hold it for you? Or the line was too long?.... Well, I'm that mutha fucka baby, up and down!
_Original_

You ever walked down the street humming your favorite tune, and seen money on the ground or in an opened window, but your arms were just too short, you just weren't quick enough to grab it, the wind was blowing too hard or it was in the street and traffic was too busy to get to it? Well, I'm that mutha fucka all day!!!!!

_Mykl's Version_

Have you ever ate a bag a grippos and wondered why it wasn't enough spices on them mutha fuckas like the ones from the Nati, or wanted to wash them down with some jungle juice and your mother, brother or sister poured you a cup of thirst rockers??? Well. I'm the mutha fucka up and down!!!

_Vince's version_

(the above was stolen from Myk's facebook page- mind you)

It seems like I can't win for losing. No matter what the situation I come out with the short end of the stick. I don't even know if I have much to say in this posting...

Well, my birthday party and the celebration there after were a bust! I have finally come to the conclusion- that I am done being there for people when people aren't there for me. Fuck parties, fuck bitches needing advice- fuck em' all! Then, Delphi and I kind of made up about two weeks ago- then immediately fell out again, lol. But then I guess we made up again when he gave me the first season of Martin for my birthday gift. It wasn't just the gift- but it showed that he knows me well- even though I hate to admit it. Erin got me white Chanel glasses- that gift can't ever be topped- oh, apart from the trip to Vegas that Big Time is taking me on in July :-) I guess life isn't always that bad, lol.

Sunday I received a surprising e-mail on myspace from Maize & Blue. He mentioned how bad he felt about how he hurt me- and how it has been weighing on his heart for a long time. He apologized and blah blah blah. I responded very positively and formal. I told him I excepted his apology and that I had moved on from it- but the truth is- that ain't real talk! The fact is, I hate when people apologize for themselves; meaning- he did not apologize for the simple fact that he is an asshole and he did me wrong, he apologized only because it was making him feel bad. And, this is why niggas ain't shit. After four years, you want to apologize? After you went out and had a baby on me, you want to apologize? After you fucking ruined my life, you want to apologize? Well, take you bitch ass apology and shove it where the sun doesn't shine! I could give 264 and a half fucks about excepting your bullshit ass apology so that you don't feel bad anymore about being a bitch! UNFORGIVABLE! lol! (youtube it!)

The bad thing about being a good girl is you finish last, but the great thing about being a good girl is... after you have shed 257 billion tears, pried yourself off your bedroom floor, turned off the sad songs playing on you winamp, pieced your broken heart back together (somehow)- and then AS SOON AS you move on- they come running back! Well, I guess it is a great thing when and ONLY when you are truly over them, but if you aren't it's dangerous because you can be sucked right back in- & THAT is what I am trying to stay away from! Hopefully the water has run dry...

Moving along and on a different note, life is crazy. You can see what you want- it's attainable- as a matter of fact it is right in front of you- but you can't reach it. Life is crazy and sometimes you're so caught up in it- that it passes you by. It's always the wrong niggas. It's always rushing to make a decision. So instead of the man you want, you get the dorm room mate- the football team mate- the high school best friend. And sometimes- you find your way in and get to his heart before he can say, "I can't talk to you, you use to mess with Sean," "I can't talk to you, you use to talk to Pierre," "I can't talk to you, you use to talk to Najib!" Well, I'm that mutha fucka all day. I can't ever have what I want because of minor mistakes I made in the past. It's funny how loyal men will be to niggas that REALLY ain't their boys. But, they would never believe me if I told them- because I am a female and in 2007- bitches lie! Things never turn in my favor. Even when we're cool, talk on aim, talk on facebook- kick it here and there. Some things are so close yet so far away! Because niggas won't even accept friendships these days... even though a candle looses nothing from lighting another! Well, I'm That Mutha Fucka All Day- always finishing last!

The Darkest Hours...

The Deepest Moments... you ever notice you write you best shit and say the realest things at those times? When you are down in the pits? Ok, so I just hit up Aby and asked him for an e-mail address because apparently I am going to send him his poem when I send Esco Bar his! I am sitting here on Martini #.... who knows, and I am feeling it. Why is it that all emotions come out when you have no sanity? What sense does that make? I guess Yahweh made it, so... the truth will come out.

So I just hit Myk up on aim, just to chop it up, but he is busy with his business. Anyhow, I was just asking him, does he ever feel like he has made a mess of his life? ok, I am officially tired- will finish this post at a later date!

Funny How The Table Turn... Turn... Turn...

Short lived, those are the only words I can think of to describe this last relationship of mine. I will be the first to tell you, I am more than relieved. I guess I just needed an ice breaker- some reason to get back in the relationship game, and he served his purpose. Last night I went to this nfl party at Cove. We (Erin, Manida, Huin and I) didn't get there until after one, and of course they were charging $30, but we somehow skipped then line and got in free. I saw Esco Bar for the first (and maybe last time) for a good while and all those old feelings came rushing back. He was partying it up with Braylon Edward (of the CLEVELAND BROWNS!!!) and at some point in my night I stepped on Braylon's shoe... he smile- I smiled back, all the time wanting to say, "baby, I can step on it again if you want me to!" lol. It was one of those nights not soon to be forgotten...

I ran into a couple of niggas I use to talk to. All, for some reason- wanting to rekindle the old flame, lol. It's funny how the tables turn! One minute I can be calling you pretty much begging you to be with me and you find lie after lie- "I am going to jail next Thursday," "I am too busy with work," "BLAH BLAH- I AM A LIAR- BLAH!" It's all so superficial... and the next minute, you are in Cove in my grill, trying to lay claims to my body- saying we need to start over? Funny I tell ya! Lucky for them (B, Rahim & Bai) I am a sucker for men!

Somehow by then end of the night, some guy was following me to my car. He ended up being harmless, infact- he ended up being a Cleveland Brown!!! We chopped it up in the parking lot around the corner from Cove for about 10 mins. then we went to breakfast. I am pretty sure he wanted me to go back to the Renaissance with him and give him the business, but unluckily fot him, I'm not that kind of GOOGLE (get it? Sex & The City).

Monica had something when she said, "Funny How The Tables Turn... Turn... Turn..." and Ciara definitely had something when she said, "Sometimes I Wish I Could Act LIKE A BOY!" Man, shit is real out here and the only way you will survive is if you do them like they do you. Last time I went home I found a picture Ed Mo (infamous popular high school basketball star in Cleveland= wasted talent ie the hood got him first) gave me. He wrote on the back, get these niggas, don't let them get you! And I have finally mastered that advice he gave me so many (7) years ago. If a niggas doesn't want you, keep it moving and let him fly! They always come running back, always!!!

So right now, it is what it is. I am still wishing Esco was in my life, but he isn't. I am on Chocolate Martini number 2 (not from the bar, homemade edition- so you know they're strong) becuase U have finally dippen into the New Year stash my mom bought me! I am starting to get that tingly feeling when my limbs start to feel numb and all these emotions start pouring out. I am thinking about scanning these poems I wrote about Esco and sending them to him, which I probably will by the time I finish this last Martini and forget about sanity- though I may follow the direction of my relationship advisor Mykl Robinson and send the first to see his reaction. Who knows what Lindsay will do! Furthemore, Esco Bar isn't in my life, but Rahim, Bai, B, Delphi, Big Time, IDMR, Boston and a few others who will remain nameless have bargained their way back! I sometimes wonder- if the guys I write about in this blog saw their code name- would they know I was talking about them? Like Justice... that's the new one.... or should I call him Case? I'll figure it our at soberer times, lol- if that's a word. It's 11:30, I am bout to send this poem and make a second entry in my Blog after I holler at Big Time... ONE CLIQUE!

Friend or Foe?!?!

I think 8-Ball and MJG had something when they created that song and furthermore I think I had something when I made it my ring tone for all my girls a couple years ago. Sometimes, you just will never know who is down for you and who is trying to bring you down. Who is around to really get to know you as a person because they like you and who is trying to learn about you just to try and set you up? Luckily, I have gone through so much drama with females- that I know not to trust, I know what to look out for and I know bitches ain't shit!

I remember when this "Friend" in question was getting kicked out of her house. That was back when I was 3rd years and had my first apartment on Chittenden. I told her she could have my couch for three months. Rent free, shit- I wasn't even going to make her pay for groceries!!! Then when she finally moved into her own spot- who came through with groceries because she didn't even have money to feed herself? Wow, and even when her dude moved in with her- who would let them come over and rain her refrigerator? Who you ask? MOI! So, it's funny that in the dead middle of the winter- I missed my bus home from work (Easton to campus is no joke) and Erin was out of town so I called her as last resort. Her response you ask? Naw, I can't come get you, Austin and I might be going to the movies! Wow, really? Well, Austin and you didn't mind bringing your fat asses over to my spot to get food- now did you? Now, let's fast forward...

Summer of 2005, I am at the Redzone when two of my friends (A Husband and wife who will remain nameless) inform me that my girl is pregnant and that Austin has left her for another girl! Wow! The sat there in the club laughing about it, how crazy she is and how Austin is going to fight for custody! Being the type of woman I am- I went along with the role as if I didn't know she was pregnant just waiting to see when she would tell me? But did she tell me? Nope! I found out that she was pregnant (on the record) the weekend before she gave birth. When I asked why she hadn't told me sooner- she said she didn't find out that she was pregnant until she was around six months, lol! You sound dumb- how is it that Mr & Mrs. knew back in June??? But, I keep my mouth closed! Fast forward...

Now, it's a year and a half later. She lost her apartment, her sister put her up then kicked her out, Mr and Mrs put her up then kicked her out, now she is back with mommy. He ex is living with his new girl and they have a child? WOW! She finds a way to the club every weekend, but- she can't even take care of her seed? Man, there is something wrong with this picture! The girl who talked about her sister with so much conviction. Talked about her bastards. Talked about her cheating babies dad. Made the comment, "She is a horrible mother. How could you have a baby in your stomach for 40 weeks then be in the club the weekend after she is born!" Man I could go down the line on how critical she was of her sister. And her road dawg! She is a hoe. She cheats on Mr. She doesn't even have enough since to shape her son's flat head. I know Mr. didn't buy her ring, I bet you she bought it herself. Yea, I am living with them, but the aren't even together- she be going on dates with other niggas. Oh, the list goes on!!!

The fact is, bitches hate. They see the life they have and they get upset that they didn't opt to have yours. They make conscious decisions only later to have regret. They find the one person who has been true to them (Lindsay Johnson) and decide to try and bring drama in her life. I mean really, is it necessary to go on Myspace and make shit up? Is it necessary to be in Ice mean mugging? No it isn't! WOW, you were in VIP!!!! Bitch- I had a wrist band too! Clean your act up and stop lying so much. You knew you were pregnant as soon as a month after conception- BE REAL! You hate your sister because you are jealous of her, she has the looks, she isn't fat and she gets the attention- BE REAL! You hate on Mrs. because at least her man had the decency to marry her when she got knocked- and let's not mention how many times you have expressed to me that you are in love with Mr.- BE REAL! Man, I could BE REAL (for years- or days at least) about how much of a deceitful liar you are, but I am done right now. I see that you were never my friend. You could never be my foe because I would never give someone like you the power to hurt me.

True story- when you change for the better, people hate you more. It's hard for people to be happy for you. A smart man learns from his mistakes a wise man learns from the mistakes of others. A foe can only be happy for someone gaining something they already have, but a friend will rejoice in everything you have- because they feel that your success is theirs also. I am happy I know what it means to be a friend!

Conscious Decisions...mostly babbling!

I have put this subject on the back burner for way to long and am finally going to address it- I am sick and tired of having to explain myself to bitches. First, it's "Is Lindsay a back stabber?" because apparently after being engaged to a man and being pregnant with his second child out of wedlock- you must not have enough trust in the relationship if you are listening to what outside sources suggest when they mention that I am trying to steal your man and I am in competition with you. Let me set the record straight- I NEVER try and fail. Secondly, it's "Some girl that knows Lisa and you is in the salon on her mint chocolate cell phone talking about how she doesn't like you- blah blah blah!" again- is that even in my character? Now yesterday the text message, it's "I thought you were my girl, why didn't you tell me who Scott is dating?" and for the third and final time- I am done explaining myself to bitches. You know he is not really your man, you know he fucks around- I mean, he had another baby on you by another bitch- BE REAL! I don't sit around keeping track of anyone other than myself! I am not responsible to judge or report about other peoples conscious decisions. You knew he was cheating on you in the beginning- so why did you leave the abortion clinic? I don't know! You know that bitch is not your girl- so why are you believing her? I don't know! You know he is still fucking around on you- so why would you accept a ring? I don't know! You play the holier than thou role every chance you get- so WHY are you pregnant again out of wedlock? I don't know AND I don't care... You know you and that bitch are not friends- you are just the jump offs of some basketball player who could give a fuck about either of you- so why are you trusting her word? I don't know! You know my character- and on the night of our friend's birthday party- I WAS THE ONLY ONE defending you, so why are you questioning my friendship? I don't know! Why are you even taking the advice of a female who is fucking the same nigga that you are? I don't know AND I don't care... Why did you have the first baby with him? I don't know! After you found out he had not only cheated- but got another bitch pregnant at the same time of your first pregnancy- why did you have the second child by him? I don't know! Why- after four years are you still fucking him? I don't know! Why is the other bitch getting $400 a month for her one child- but you are so stuck on hanging on, that you don't mind that he doesn't take care of your children and you won't take him downtown? I don't know! Why are you listening to your disfunctional ass sister- whose boyfriend left her and moved out as soon as he found out she was knocked and moved in with another chick and knocked her before your niece was even born? I don't know! Why are you texting me- trying to question and accuse me about some shit that is NEWS TO ME? Not only do I not know, but I do not care!!!

See, the thing is- people make conscious decisions everyday that they end up regretting. They don't stop at that though- oh no! They keep going down that same path of destruction, never looking back and considering that maybe it's time to make a change! The funny thing about it is- why blame me for some thing you are responsible for? I didn't lay down with any nigga! I am not the mistress of some other chicks baby's dad! And I am damn for sure not the one being seen bar hopping with you babies' dad! True story! You chicks need to order a deliberation of all your multiple personalities and figure out what you are doing wrong- because I am too concern with correcting my faults to deal with the drama of others! I have my own conscious decisions to make!



So, it is official. I am in a relationship. Even though, I haven't reported it to ANYONE and I have not quite acknowledged it myself- I said YES to the invitation of being some one's woman, lol. I guess it is a new feeling seeing that I have not been in a relationship in five years- but I feel great about it. It's a new look- but I will get use to it. I am still a bit confused because at the moment- it's not where my heart is. Before now, I have never been in love- and I am quite certain that this is the feeling. It's just a shame that I am with a man who is in love with me while I am in love with someone else? Go figure! I keep telling myself that I am doing the wrong thing- but the fact remains that I am sick of being alone. It's nice to know someone likes you and feelings are mutual, but most times that isn't enough. I don't just want someone who likes me- I want someone who wants to be with me. And I was always told, "make sure your man loves you more than you love him or it will never work," and I am following those standards to a t. Everyone is afraid of having their heart broken, and I will never break his. I will never cheat and I will do everything he asks- but I can not control fate. At times, I wish I could fall back from the relationship- because all of a sudden Big Time and IDMR have come back into my life. That's how the cookie ALWAYS crumbles, as soon as you get into a relationship- all these niggas who treated you like shit all of a sudden become changed men. Well, I ain't buying it. I would be a fool to give up on this relationship only to find myself alone. I guess it's JUST time for everyone else to play the back burner. I am merely looking forward to the outcome of the conscious decision I have made. Will my feelings develop into more and will this relationship work? I don't know BUT I do care...

Tha Unadulterated Truth

Change is definitely apparent. I can see it, I can hear it, and oh- the TASTE of it; I can't even explain. I am a much different person than I was in six years ago, and anyone out there judging me on what I sinned in back then is living in the past. Truthfully, I am not the same person I was a year ago. It's true, I still live in the same city, same apartment, same skin but, I am much different on the inside. My outlook on like is so realistic and my understanding of happiness has been altered so much so- that it's unrecognizable. It's not how many shoes I own (don't get it twisted though, I still Love & Buy shoes), it's not who loves me back, it's just not superficial as it once was.

No matter what you do or say, people are going to look at you and make a decision of who you are, not having known ANYTHING about your life of what you've come from. There are going to be bitches who pretend to be you friend, but they simply aren't. They play the role, you know... kick it with you at the club, accept presents from you, offer advice- the whole 9. Then, months later you realize they were only befriending you because they thought you were after their man? Huh, that's funny. I guess bitches are applying the "keep you friends close and you enemies closer" more than ever now. The funny thing about that is- so many females are too ignorant, shallow, inferior and down right dumb to realize who their real enemies are. I always try to tell females (whether they be my friend or enemy), I am not you competition. The fact is what's real... Your man is a hoe. He is my friend. Now, if I was a hoe- that wouldn't mix. I don't care what ring was placed on what finger, your man has made many proposition towards me and if I wanted to fuck him tomorrow- it would be done. Your man cheats on you with and without condoms... how do I know it? I heard it from the horses mouth! There is nothing you could ever amount to or try to be that would make you woman enough to hold any many down, because you settle and you have way too much of a one track mind. I was never your competition- because you are not on my level. Never have been never will be. I am not the type to sleep around- FACT! I am not the type to be with other bitches' niggas- FACT! I am not the type to pop out bastards and be a BABY MAMA- FACT! I not only WALK- but I RUN the straight and narrow. I am not going to say that I don't judge- because everyone does, but I will tell you this, I don't judge until I am judged! If someone feels a need to use me and later betray me- I have no loyalty to you. If it's fuck me- it's fuck you twice over! That's real talk! I have never loved someone because they loved me. But I have hated because someone hated me first. I love people without expecting anything in return. Even though I know who I am- I still try my best for people to like me and to see that I am a whole sound individually, but at this point I am kind of done with that- because 7 months later- you find out that bitches are just phony. Go figure.

I don't go out to clubs to have fun, I go to clubs to spend time with my friends. I don't waste my time with conversation unless you are a person I really care about. The most I may do with someone I don't care for is speak. That's it, that's all you get- finito!

See, a year ago, this situation would have bothered me- but I am a different person now. I am so blunt- you could smoke me. Hater will STARE at you all day and only pick out your failure- while never seeing the beautiful person you've become.

Tha Truth (1983) About It

Well, it has officially been a year since a began this blog (3-5-06) and the thought of that made me sit back and think about what has transpired in the last year. Have I grown for the better? Am I more of an adult? Was this last year a waste because of the lack of progression in my life? Where will I be a year from now and what will I be logging? All these questions can be answered in details, but basically and in conclusion- my life is pretty much the same- but my angle is a bit different.

Today is the first day of classes and I still have yet to register, so it's not looking good as far as me ending the HIATUS this spring, but I am still hopeful. The fact remains that I only have 4 quarters left (3 if I take a couple 20 crediters) and by next spring I can move where ever the heck I want to. MIA, ATL- Daniel has gotten Houston into my head- but I am not quite sure about that one yet? All I know is, I got to get the heck out of Columbus- asaply. I wish to go down south for a few, maybe even think about grad school- but I have to crawl before I walk... GRADUATE!!!

My love life is crazy right now and with spring approaching it isn't making it any better. I have been talking to "Delphi" for a while now (a little over two months) and he is into "taking things slow???" I am not really sure what to take from that statement- but we have barely even kissed and it's starting to make me wonder if I am wasting my time? We have great conversation, dates, etc. but affection is in question?!?! It's so hard to get an individual gone out of your life when you like them so much. Even when you see all the signs letting you know that maybe you should move on, your head says no but your heart says yes. So basically, we are still talking- and every time I tell him it's over, by the end of the night it's as if nothing has happened. I guess it makes it even harder to stop talking to a guy when you work with him. MEMO TO SELF: "Never shit were you eat!!!"

Another thing about my love life that's funny is 5th Ave. & Polaris. Okay, so I have been going up and fucking down with the both of them for the last two years. And NOW all of a sudden when I am seriously involved with someone else- they decide that they want to clean up their acts & be with me? Hilarious! How about stop calling me, stop texting me- I don't have time for losers anymore! Niggas kill me, you can be so sweet to them for months and all they do is drag you through the mud! Then as soon as they finally wake up- they expect you to be sitting there waiting? Fuck that! I am done! Though I question it sometimes- I have a guy who is interested in me... and if he is really telling tha truth... he is taking it slow because he really wants to get to know me and build something with me. Honestly, Delphi is everything I have wished for in the past- it's just the fact that he seems to good to be true. If I am not going to be with Delphi- I don't want to be with anyone else. Because if he is playing games then- I have to be done for a minute. At this point, I am almost 24 and I am so done with being disappointed. If this shit doesn't work out I am out of the game for while. I will just focus on school, work and getting the fuck out of Columbus! I am not setting Delphi up for failure- but real talk, the only person I am depending on right now is me, because niggas will fuck your whole shit up!...

Speaking of people from the past, Boston has been hitting me up out of the blue. Again, it's funny how niggas find their way back to you once they wake up and smell the coffee!!! lol!!! That's all I have to say about him!

I am finding that if one is meant to be in your life, they will be there. Fate will bring them to you and if for some reason you lose contact or fall out, fate will bring them back. People grown up and... "everybody knows somebody, that knows somebody, that knows somebody!" It's only a matter of time before people see the good in you. The fact will remain that most people just don't know how to be real friends and just don't know how to love. After being let down, lied to, strung along, heart broken- battered- and left behind, sometimes it's hard to trust a new person. Sometimes it hard to realize that someone if being truthful with you. Erykah Badu may have had something going when she sang, "Pack Light!" Let shit go, because the things people have done to you will eat you up inside if you let it! Some pride themselves on the pain of others. If someone doesn't want to be with you, FUCK 'EM! If someone needs convincing in order to be your friend, FUCK 'EM! Tha Truth remains, you will have been a better person to them than they could have ever been to you, THEIR LOST NOT YOURS! THIS is the Tha Truth About It... you could read the words in my blog ALL day and still never know The Real Me and furthermore you could know The Real Me and read those same words and STILL not know Tha Truth About It, ironic huh? That's me- a little piece of irony!

For The Better!

As of late, I feel like my life is changing drastically. The things that use to hold so much importance are so meaningless now! All that really matters is being alive to see another day. I am learning to live in the moment and I am realizing that some things and some people are not worth the time and effort. Some people are hear with the sole intention to hurt you- but it is your choice to grant them the power to do so, and I am so sick of doing that- so I'm not anymore.

My life is way different than it was a year ago. I am rolling with a new crew (the cycle of the revolving door of female friends has NOT changed), most of the men I was SO concerned with before, I see them for who they really are- and MOST importantly my life is completely different. I have a new job, a new nephew & some call me "Miss NEW Booty!" Naw, just kidding, but I have matured so much. I have finally acknowledged that Maize & Blue hurt me beyond matter and I see that sometimes what I do to other people has nothing to do with what they have done to me- but more of what I have gone through as a whole (John Mayer- Daughters). None the less, I am moving on and I am finding that men are all the same- but it takes a keen eye to find the good in people... and instead of being that pessimistic woman I once was- I am planning the have a keener eye than which was ever thought possible.

I have been having reoccurring dreams about "Charge It To The Game," "Esco Bar," and "R." and I really can't figure out why! I guess when you become attached to the thought of something, even though you have consciously let it go... when you are sleeping and have no control- your subconscious takes over. And for those 3-4 hours (yea- I have insomnia- I work WAY too much & I pretty much never sleep) the TRUTH as you've know it- is REVEALED. I guess that is the good thing about dreams... it's the only time when you can really be happy. And even though dreams (whether they are the visions you have every night while sleeping, or if they are the ideas and aspirations you have for your future) may not be made manifest- they are real [to you], and that's all that really matters.

Well, skipping to a new subject, ATL has gotten back in contact with me. He wants me to fly out to Portugal in May for his playoffs. I am not sure what I am going to do, and after the "information" I found out last Wednesday, I am not even sure that I will be "ABLE" to make the trip regardless. I just find it funny that guys wake up one morning and decided that they want to be serious and all of a sudden WOMEN are supposed to forget about everything one put us through? Now that is "CRAZY"!!! My girls are all telling me to go, esp. since he is paying for the trip... but my heart- is never sure!

Other than that, I am dealing with Delphi and IDMR. These are two new code names I am putting on the table- but as you know- if you really have insight into my life, you know who I am referring to! Well, it is hard to make a choice between two good dudes. So, I am gonna be "Like A Boy" and just date them both. Fuck all the silliness. At this point everything is platonic. They are BOTH playing the same games- and I am not going to entertain the games, so as far as I am concerned they are on the same level. And, though it may seem different (Charisse ;-) Bar Louie Easton) I don't like one more than the other! I am just trying to find solis after so much pain!

I know I have had month long HIATUSES, but I will probably be writing in here a lot more in the future like I use to. I have had a whole heap of weird and appalling news in the last week and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. I hate to be the barer of bad news... so I have kept it to myself for the most part. I really can't bare to be the reason for worry and pain, so I won't. I did try to tell Delphi about it, but- I don't think that he catching on. It's funny how many cries for help go unanswered. I guess that is the way it was meant. Yahweh purposed it that way.

RIGHT NOW, I am just striving to be a better person before it is too late. Sometimes, you don't realize how great something is until it is all gone. I am not going to wait for the water to run dry! I am living in the NOW, and I am hoping to make my life better- GET TO KNOW ME!