What Do You Do When...

You don't know what to do? In the famous words of my co-worker Matt, "I don't know what I don't know." It's funny, or puzzling rather when someone can profess their love and respect for you yet- they don't answer your calls or return your texts. Paradoxical actually. You can have SO much wrapped up into one person- and they just can't see. No, I can't even say that he doesn't see- because I know he does... but he can't change, not even a little. There comes a point when one has to make a decision and judge whether someone else is worth the drama? i just don't know yet.

I have found an untapped resource in my mind lately. I place full of emotions I never knew I has. The NEED to stick up for my mother. The NEED to stick up for my father. The NEED to stick up for my "immediate" family. It's funny that even the family members you THINK are your closest can sometimes be the most hateful, deceitful and conniving persons alive. What is it all about I ask; jealousy? What would cause a sister to downplay the pain and suffering her two older sibling went through? SATAN! What would cause a cousin to back stab the one who they have ALWAYS looked up to? SATAN! I can't worry about it because it is all in Yahweh's hands. What I do know is this, though my mother may have a sister, she raised me in a much different manner than that which her sister raised her children and though we are cousins- we are far from alike. I watch what I say and if I wanted to I KNOW ENOUGH TO MAKE AN EMPIRE FALL... I don't have to go on fallacy and exaggerate/make shit up. I know what I am talking about and there is no way that a female who is a child at heart could ever phase any part of my life. I just pray for my family- because ignorance takes people down & hatred keeps them down!

Regardless of what is happening in my personal life, I have made the decision to never let things bother me- whether they are too positive or too negative. Meaning, sometimes you think things are too good (positive) to be true and sometimes it seems you life could never get and worse. But as I said before, we have to make a conscious decision to make our life what it needs to be.

Now and RIGHT now, I am making the conscious decision to love Big Time and no one else. I know it make cause me a lot of pain and things are always up in the air, but I believe in him and I know he is worth it. Like he told me, we are friends- and that is before everything else. I can't worry about the future- I can't only deal with that which is in front of me THE FUTURE! And furthermore, I hope that he is my future- if it turns out that he isn't, I don't know what to do. I don't know what I don't know!