Let shit go! Plain and simply- bull SHIT is not worth harboring. Yahweh has already predetermined EVERYTHING so rather than fretting over something you have NO control over- know that it's in HIS hands and already done! I find peace in that. Most things that use to bother me before, I don't give a damn about. I know my life is tailor made!
I remember watching an episode of CW's The Game where one of the NFL wives was suffers from a breakdown. In this episode the other two female characters Tasha and Melanie advise her to put her husband in check. Though he is the bread winner of the family having a successful NFL career- he suggests that his wife's duties are no as important. She has the breakdown during a very important playoff game which after, she writes a list of objectives she needs to set straight in her marriage... but when Jason leaves in the middle of the game as he hears of his wife's illness, she is so baffled- impressed- and shocked that he would leave anything concerning his career to cater to her, that she discards her list. Well, I said all that to say- this is how I felt about Big Time. When I got back to CO on Monday, I was really upset. I wrote a 2 page poem, which is something I haven't done since 03'. I was sitting around my apartment the next day deciding how I was going to give it to him. By mail? Leave it on his nightstand? Drop it under his door? Windshield? The question was so puzzling to me because I KNOW that I have never given someone a poem I wrote about them and carried out a successful relationship/friendship. It's something about my poems that jinx me- so until I am ready to let someone go, they will NEVER read what I have to say about them! I remember back in 2003 when My Lil' Squirrel stumbled across the poem/rap I wrote about him on my computer. I guess that should have been a sign that I should have let him go before I even got in too deep- but I was to charmed to read the signs.... Too bad!
Anyhow, I couldn't really figure out how to give the poem to Big Time, but I knew that it was time for me to move on. I wouldn't just re-write it neatly or type it out and have it handy next time I visited Cleveland because I knew I wouldn't have to let him go. Needless to say, Yahweh didn't let me do that. Indeed as soon as we got on the phone, it's like Big Time just started pouring out all these feelings. I sat there lying on my bedroom floor (which I NEVER do) with tears pouring, and as I glanced over to the stack a ragged ends of notebook paper that had been pulled out from spirals in time past and time recent- I knew there was no way in hell I was going to forward that last entry to him... NO WAY NO HOW! It's not over!
This is why I am starting to realize that there is not reason in being unhappy- other than the sole purpose of having a contrast so that one can know the difference. While I was sitting there until 4 am writing the drastic poem... then continues all Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons debating on how and when I would give it to him, I never knew what Yahweh had in store for me. By 2:48am on Thursday morning I would be feeling just as Kelly did on The Game- Happy. Just as she had the paper in her hand waiting to tear Jason a new asshole when she saw him, she never expected that he would show up for her. She quickly whisked the paper away under her sheets in the hospital bed, just like I disregarded the poem.
It's funny no matter what my poems are about, happy or sad, I almost always love to go back to the "archives" and read them- but this poem is different. It's over, I am happy- and I am not revisiting those thoughts that were prematurely envisioned.
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