Unfinished Business

So, when you leave one phase of life and MOVE on to another- knowingly having not completed all the tasks or gotten rid of old feelings that you think you will always harbor, what do you do? I just want to start over, but starting over entails leaving certain things and certain PEOPLE in the past. No more phone calls, e-mail, letters. No more thoughts of them, or him somehow working his was into my dreams via my subconscious. I have just got to go cold turkey- no more "Charge It To The Game". I mean, I am going to go for what I know. I have tried numerous times in the last six years to let go, but I just can't. I guess I will just go the rest of my life wondering, what really happened between us- but I sure as hell don't know!

MOVING along... there are other people in my life that have caused such a bad influence, that I can not wait to be away from them. Niggas, who have never left the hood mentality behind and never quite learned how to treat a woman. I guess that wouldn't be a bad thing if I hadn't learned how to love and treat a man. But, unfortunately- my drive to love is so strong that I can't control it. And many times when I wish to just "play," my heart gets pulled in. That's why for so long I couldn't get rid of Polaris and I damn for sure couldn't get rid of 5th Ave. But now, I am starting to MOVE on. I see people are just trying to pull me down so that they feel better about their lives- and I can't let it happen anymore!

Closure is something that everyone needs. I guess in the case of Charge It To The Game, I am just going to have to let those feelings stay buried in Ohio. I think with 50, I loved him for so long that it was so hard to let him go, but eventually I did... and soon there after he somehow got my number out of one of the few friends I have left back in E.C. and called me trying to spit game AFTER HE DOGGED ME for 6 years. HA! I guess it's logical that I am still not over Charge It To The Game, I liked him a lot longer than I liked 50- or any other man for that matter. So, I guess it only makes sense that it will take a little bit longer to get over him, but I am pretty certain 07' is the year.

Right now I am just trying to STAY focused. No one will ever love me the way I love me. I love the fact that I can look in the mirror, because it wasn't always that way. All I ever saw was dark skin and nappy hair. All I ever saw was hate. But I learned that beauty is something that you have to be in the right state of mind to see. I always thought other people were ugly. I always found flaws in them, but that was only because FIRST- I found flaws in myself. But my mindset has been altered. I now see the beauty in things.

It's not always about money or who has the nicest car, but who loves you the most. Leaving OSU, the only person I can think of who just loved me for me and I just loved him for him is David Lanier. I am sure there are a few more names hidden here and there, but it never was the flyest guy who showed me love- but it damn for sure was the realest.

I guess I will have a year to REALLY think about things (if that's long enough). Then again I will have a whole year to MOVE on with my life. Hopefully somewhere in there Big Time and I will be together, because I truly do love him, but if not- well, I will just have to live with that. Like he once told me- we are on the same page- even when we don't speak... we know we are both thinking the same thing; words can go unsaid. Just the same, some things are better left undone, some feelings unexpressed and some business unfinished!