Hide & Seek

Lately I have been concentrating on decisions; decisions that will make my life better. For the longest- I've thought myself to be one of the world's greatest actresses, but as it turns out I wear my feelings & my heart right on my sleeve. When I told my sister Erin I was thinking about moving, she told me to do what is right for my life. I then told her that I haven't been happy in a really long time, & she replied, "I can tell. I always want to ask you what's wrong but I don't know how you will react." It got me to thinking that maybe I'm not doing so well at pretending I am something that I am not.

I can't remember the last time I wrote a poem. I usually only write poems when I am feeling a dude, or very sad. It's not just writer's block this time around, it seems that I've been so sad, that I can't even write. The factor that usually inspired my art is now so severe that I can't even produce? That's fucked up. I can't even find a way to vent anymore.... other than this blog that is.

It's incredible that people talk to me everyday & they don't have an inkling of who I really am & what's even more extraordinary is the fact that I am in my own skin & even I don't know who I am. I have been trying to find myself for a long time now, but I have come up empty handed. At this point, I'm just hiding from myself.

I can say one thing with certainty about myself, I am a masochist. I love to endure pain, why? I couldn't tell you to save my life. I am mean to people and I like the guys that are mean to me. I find happiness in things/people who are bad for me. I am in a hell of my own making.

I went to the skating party on Saturday and ran into this guy I had a little summer fling with last year. It was actually a friendship gone bad i.e. super psycho stalker. What's even crazier is the fact that I almost called him today. Then, as I was watching Grey's Anatomy- there was a scene when Burke reminded me of "Maize & Blue", and for a brief moment, I wanted to call him too. But then reality struck. That's the one thing about moving back to Cleveland that I don't want to face. I never want to see him again, ever! It's for the best. I keep wondering why Yahweh won't let things work out for me romantically & I am starting to figure it out.

As I was giving advice to my friend Aric the other night, it got me to thinking about my own friendships. Maybe I force things that may not be so great to have. Maybe Yahweh is protecting me because I give people too much credit way too early. I tend to find the good in people, but maybe it's not even that these guys are so good, but more the fact that it's the "I want what I can't have syndrome". For example there is actually this kid I have been trying to talk to for a little while and it's just not working. He seems to be a perfectly good soul, but it's all one sided, yet I keep calling- keep texting. I think the thought of rejection keeps me striving, but there is a time when one has to stop beating a dead horse. It came with Jason Moore(NOT so timely might I say). It came with _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. I guess it sort of happened with Mike in a round about way. Never did quite happen with Sean Coffey (but that's a whole other story), so now I think the time will come with that new nigga soon. It seems like a lot of un needed drama is arising from this situation. I'm getting accused of being in cahoots now? Crazy! I have an acquaintance who is apparently feeling him too. She doesn't mention him to me, & even when asked he won't give me any info on her other than, "It just ain't work out!" All I know is, I need to learn to let people go who aren't holding on to me. I am a good woman who has the ability to make any man happy beyond matter. Niggas NEVER realize it when I am after them, but mark my work- he will look back on this moment....

If you didn't know, now you know you're going to miss- my love. & I ain't worried about a doggone thang. Cause I was true when I gave you my love. If you search you will never find a love like my love, YOU'RE GOING TO MISS Me! I ain't got time while you sit around and play with my love.

okay, lol, had to hit em' with the Destiny's Child interlude. That song always reminds me of Jason Moore hitting me up two years ago, after all he put me through in Jr. High & high school. Funny shit! Like it would all be forgotten, now that he is realizing I am a mutha fuckin beast!

I am just tired of being polite to everyone. That's not the real me. I am sick of being infactuated with guys to the point that I don't allow them to see the real me; in the end they write me off as being this image which couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm like that Blonde Hair Blue Eyed chick, but with personality. And now my phone rings...

for a moment there I felt like the dumb blonde, because I almost answered to the "dead horse" on the other end. I can't keep beating dead horses, I cant! I won't listen to the voicemail & I won't be sucked back in! Like I was saying before, I am like that Blonde Hair Blue Eyed chick, but with personality. I am thoroughly the whole package. I am going to stop letting people think I am something I am not & let them fall in love with the real me. I am going to stop hiding from these niggas-I-want & more importantly I am going to stop hiding from myself!