If You Had TWENTY FOUR Hours To Live....

"If you had 24 hours to live, just think- where would you go, what would you do, who would you screw, and who would you wanna notify? Or would your ass deny that yo ass about to die?

Man Puff, I mean Diddy, that IS some deep shit. If you had 24 hours to live and you knew- what would you do? Man, it's crazy, but more than anything I would just try to prepare my close loved ones. Lol, I would do laundry, sort through old mail and papers, erase files on my computer that are less than sanitary, and get rid of any baggage that would be bring pain to my family. You see most people who go tell that ONE person how much they really loved them, or go hit up the ONE person who played the shit out of them, but me- I would play it differently. That would be a waste of time, because in the end- the person you loved for so long would only feel guilt and the person you just killed that you hated so much would send you to HELL for murder- and meet you there and that would be their satisfaction... because not only did they hurt you in your present life, but they ruined your after life too. I guess what I am saying is, that if I knew I was going to die tomorrow- I would just let shit go and pay most attention to the people who love me and are going to suffer the most because of my death.

My biggest regret would not be never graduating, but never finishing my novel. I would hate to know that the world is going to go on with out knowing this explosive story I have in my head. I guess that is damn near my ONLY regret because I never really went through life saying, I wish I would have said, or I should have just said.... majorly everything I ever wanted to say- I did. I guess I can thank my lack of tact for that one, but it caused me drama, but also allowed me to be free. When you always have things on your mind... times in space that you can't get back and you wish you would have said what you really think- that can eat you alive.

But on some REAL, if I really did have 24 hours to live, I would go buy some Christian Louboutins, go out to eat with my immediate family plus Ethan and Derrick.... Watch Sex and The City episode "Change Of A Dress," Menace To Society... Write a poem... and be praising Yahweh all the while.

Los Angeles, California- My Mecca, Praise my father, Charge It To The Game, Big Time and NO!

Prepare For The Worst & Hope For The Best & The Rest IS Written

Layzie had something going when he made that statement. I'm not mad at all, I am just learning to brace myself for what could happen. Never leave your guard down, because in that moment Satan will strike. For once in my life I am going to stop doing what looks right and start doing what's good for me.

People love to see you down, and what is even more outrageous about that is, people love to kick you when you're down. Rebuttal? Revenge? Let it go and continue to succeed in your own life, because THAT hurts them much more than any physical strife of emotional words you could ever cast upon them (haters). People can say what they want to say about my attitude and I don't mind. It's funny that people are so quick to judge even when they're in the midst of their own failures. They are so quick to BLINDLY point the finger, when they have no idea where you come from or what you've been through. So, the ignorance is theirs not yours. Let them own it!

I love my attitude, because I understand who I AM! I AM rough around the edges and I am perfect because everything Yahweh touches couldn't be anything less. I sometimes wonder, "why do I question myself?" I question myself because of everyone else's OPINION of me. If I am happy with myself inside and out, why do I even CONSIDER changing something about myself to appeal to someone else? Why? To make them happy? Chances are, no matter how much I change they will still find something wrong! My boy Romero once mentioned to me that the little things about a person that bother you in the beginning are those same things that cause destruction in the end. You can't please everyone, so why not please yourself?

Everything has been preordained by Yahweh, so why are we trying to go against the grain? These are a lot of questions I am posing, but why do we do the things we do...why do we beat ourselves up for things that are already done (both past and future--already DONE), when we have no control over it? Why not just sit back and relax while "this giant Japanese Fan" is unfolding!

I am going to continue to better mysql in which ever way Yahweh allows me. I know when I am DOWN, that is NOT the end but, I need to start bracing myself for the pain from the people who are going to kick me when I'm DOWN. And once I finally get up from being down and being kicked while being down, I will know that if Yahweh allows my leg to be broken, He will teach me how to limp. Why cry over spilled milk anyway? It's already written!

He's Gonna Miss Me When I'm GONE; Je Suis Désolé

Ok, so if there were ever a day to sit at home, drink a stiff martini and listen to the play list entitled "sad songs," THIS would be THAT day! Big revelations from Big Time today and once again for the 3rd time in my love life am I feeling the same way. It happened with Polaris in 2005- Aby in 2006- now Big Time in 2007 and you can bet your last dollar that three times is a charm! Never again! NEVER!

It's a hard thing to realize that you mean absolutely NOTHING to a person who you held in such high esteem. Crazy in fact. But, that is the way life is- full of learning experiences. I am hurt. But not the same way I was hurt by Polaris or Aby- but it's a deeper wound. When I sat on the other end of the phone and listened to his confession and blatant disregard to my heart- I did cry. But then, just as it started- IT ENDED. I think maybe I am all cried out. It's sad to say but, I am becoming immune to heart break. I guess I am becoming heartless and my attitude is reflecting this everyday. Fall outs and misunderstanding are all being blown out of proportion- basically because I just don't give a fuck! Who would have ever thought? I've never been in love- and there is a reason why.



Thought I had a love, but I was kidding myself/
By the time I learned the truth about it, he was sleeping with someone else/
~Isley Brothers


I guess when something is over, Yahweh makes sure it is good and over. All I can say is that it may not be tonight and it may not be tomorrow, but he is gonna miss me!


If you don't know, now you know you're gonna miss MY LOVE/
And I ain't worried bout a dog on thing, because I was true when I gave you MY LOVE/
If you search you will never find another love like MY LOVE/
You're gonna miss me, I ain't got time while you sit around and play with MY LOVE/
~Destiny's Child


All I could continue to say in response to his revelation was, "I'm Sorry!" Over and over again. That's all I could say. I wasn't apologizing to him though; I was apologizing to myself- once again. I KEEP doing this to myself. I KEEP doing it. At least this time I have some closure- even though I am hurt beyond matter- I was not left in the dark like with Sean Coffey. I will not go on the rest of my life wondering what happened, but I can bet that one day and one day SOON Big Time is going to look up and think about me.... wonder where I am, but it will be too late and he will just be unhappy. It's times like this that I just can not wait for this transfer to come through from New York. Yea, I am leaving this city with unfinished business because I still haven't completed my undergraduate studies- BUT FUCK A DEGREE, I need to breath. A new job, new experience in a new state and a new state of mind. NEW YORK it is.

I'm just sorry I let this happen to me again. Je suis desole.

Opinions

Between the "Honesty Box" on facebook, and real live e-mail from ex-friends, I am finding that people have a lot of fucked up opinions about me . I can't quite say that I give a damn, but it's interesting to know. I have some men sending me poetry in my honesty box, while others are saying, "you have a foul ass attitude." Okay, what am I supposed to say to that? Sorry? How about, HELL NO!I love my attitude. Most times it's misunderstood, but that's just fine by me! If someone isn't willing to find out why I have an attitude, or if I am just joking or being serious- then FUCK EM'.... Fuck em' girl, fuck em', fuck em' girl, fuck em (spoken in Martin Lawrence's voice, lol)

So, I fell out with an acquaintance. Well, let me not even call it a fall out, I made a conscious decision to stop hanging around the bitch and she got mad. So she then basically has her friend write in my honesty box. Number one I have only met her friend two times, and numbers two the fat bitch doesn't know shit about me! She writes me talking so much shit about how I am not living right- about how I am unhappy, angry and bitter- about how God does not love me- just basically talking a whole lot of bull shit. The whole time I was reading what she had to say about me I was thinking, "you're nothing but one of the fat unhappy girls who eats ice cream next to a box of Kleenex every Friday night. Sheesh! You have a bastard who's father won't even drive in state to see him, GOSH! You have a boyfriends who steals your car and beats the fuck out of you!" Quite honestly the GIRL is in no position to judge my life at all!!!

Then the ex-friend in question decides to write me like a four page e-mail tonight. Again, I ask- why are you bitches even contacting me. I am the one who is hateful. I am the one who God dislike. I am the one who is "uber angry, bitter and unhappy" yet you bitches are the ones who continue to write me e-mails day in and day out? Something is wrong with this picture. It seems that maybe they are the ones who are jealous of me- and all these "opinions" are- are diversions from the truth. The truth is that these bitches have nothing better to do with their damned time then write me e-mails and try to make me feel insecure about my own life.

It's hilarious when people try to take weaknesses that the THINK you have to make your feel bad about yourself. The fact that I am cute, I can dress, I have a great job and I am not a hoe- did not make it easy for these losers to come up with some dirt on me- but the only thing they had to fall back on is the fact that I am 24 with NO DEGREE, lol. Day in and day out for the last 3 days that is all they keep bringing up. That they are 23 with A degree and I am 24 and haven't completed mines. I guess in doing this they thought they would get under my skin, but little do they know that I could NOT give a damn about having my degree right now! I am more focused in staying at Delphi so they can play my students loans off with this bonus. After I am debt free, I will enter in the tuition assistance program and let them pay for my senior year. Then what will these inferior bitches have to say? While the one is living back in Maryland with her strict parent because her CVS job can't pay the bills and the other is trying to supposed her bastard, I will be living it up properly. Ok... Erin interrupted me & now that we're finished talking- I am tired and it's time for beddy bye!

Longevity DOES NOT Equal Loyalty!!!

I find it funny that people can't seem to grasp a hold of the concept that EVERYONE is not their friend. One can not count on just any and everybody, but we should be just as selective of who we choose as friends as who we choose as our God. Now see, I believe in Yahweh. I never let any preacher or church tell me what is right or wrong, but I did MY OWN detailed investigation. I looked up the names I worship under, I read the bible versus for MYSELF and I let YAHWEH interpret them for me! I don't count on any man's version or take on what GOD meant when he said this and what GOD meant when he said that. I choose GOD- not a man. I only find myself being a worthy servant because a worth El found me!

Friends, I take them for what they are worth. Most times, I don't trust them. I always wonder what their motive is and whether I have HEARD good or bad about their past- I find out about them for MYSELF- on my own. I don't go on he say she say. I don't go on rumors, I go solely on what that person has proven to be to me. I am one of the lucky ones, because YAHWEH has blessed me with the power to realize that just because you have known a person for a LONG time, just because they have been in your life for a LONG time, just because you considered them your friend for such a LONG time, just because you've been in a relationship with a person for a LONG time , (etc.) does not mean they are loyal to you. In many cases, this longevity just means that the person is determined to stick it out until your demise!

I have friends, and I have met friends of friends... I know SO many people who talk badly and just plain old satanically behind their friends' backs (both male and females) that it has made me conclude... that if THAT is friendship, I don't want any parts of it. I would never want a friends that didn't like me, or one whom had a problem and didn't feel woman enough or comfortable coming to me and discussing it!

Some people I have fallen out with upon meeting them... then there are the others. The ones I spent weekends with, went to the club with them. There are the ones who I went out to dinner with- then to a movie. There are the ones I spent hours on the phone conversing with and every longer times spoken through texts. There are the ones who I have many pictures with- many moments with. There are the ones I shared "inside jokes" with. There are the ones out there who in spite of the phoniness in the world- I was really naive enough to think they were my REAL friends, because I'd like to think that someone wouldn't spend SO much time with me- so LONG time with me.... all along hating me and never wishing me well! Couldn't be! But Tha Truth is, longevity does not equal loyalty!

Quarantine

Man, it's funny how bitches front. You can see them everyday 1-on-1 at work and they won't say shit to you. But, as soon as they're with their girls- oh they wanna play the "tough guy" role. It's cool though, it's all good. See, this is why I fall back. Another"First Fridays" showed me something- bitches LOVE to HATE. See me... I was just there chilling, looking fine- sipping wine. While, Jameeka was with her girls pointing me out- HA! Look, it's simple- if you really want to get at someone there is no need for shit talking, bust a move. I will never fear another bitch, especially one I use to roll with. The fact that bitches to take the time to think about is that I know what type of person they are. If I kicked it with you numerous time and all you did was sit back and talk shit about other bitches, never making a move- I know you're all GIRL TALK and no GIRL ACTION! Doesn't take a rocket scientist. Then, there are girls like Romique- Darielle- even my cold blooded Asian Lisa who I have witnessed getting their down and dirty on. Now, if I had beef with one of them- I wouldn't expect shit talking because I know they are real bitches and they hold their shit down. This is probably why I have never fallen out with any of the 3. But, these other bitches can spare me! Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I can beat everyone, but I will never fear a chick that breaths them same air as me. Shit, we all bleed once a month- so what are you going to do to me that I can't come right back and do to you. Jump me? Null.... Kick dents into my passenger door? Void! Stop it! I never underestimate another chick, but they damn for sure underestimate me. But that's fine, b/c I will surprise 'em.

All the drama.... this is why I been on some ol' quarantine falling way back shit. Laying low and staying low, lol. Bitches love to hate, people love to see the other man fail.

"First Fridays" last night also taught me another valuable lesson, sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder. When people haven't seen you in a while I see it bring out a lot of feelings...

And, for the finale of last night, it was hilarious to watch this one bitch put on a show for me because she thinks I want her boyfriend! First and foremost her man was the one continually sending waves at me from across the dance floor. He was the one who came and posted up 6 inches (or less? literally) behind me. When she saw that shit, I saw the fire in her eyes! She was hot! Then all of a sudden she put on an Oscar winning performance. Did a Gail Diver's 100 yard dash over in our direction, then felt a need to caress and back it up on him like she was Ciara with 50, lol. I could have died with laughter, but I didn't because, I knew it was an act. Just like I know if I would have called her man last night, he would have been in my bed not hers. Just like I know he someone how decided to leave the party when I was leaving the party. Just like I know, he was tailing me and my girls with his car while we were walking to mines. Just like I know, he will ALWAYS desire because niggas always want what they can't have! Lucky for his bitch, I am a lady. And lucky for other niggas bitches, I am falling back on some old quarantine type shit, otherwise I'd be out every weekend throwing a monkey wrench into bitches plans!

You Think You Know? Well, You Couldn't Be Farther From THA TRUTH!!!

Life is a bitch and then you die! Or, you decide to make a change. Change in diet, change in looks, change of address??? No matter what you alter, if you decide to make a change for the better- you're on top of THE game! Sometimes it may look as if one is quitting, but the reality is- is that they're changing their game plan.

Right now I am kind of lost in my direction. I am sick of tired of people judging me and my life and furthermore I am done explaining me decisions. I am leaving all my doom or success in Yahweh's hand because I don't know what else to do. Being too SCARED to go to the doctor? That's never been me. Worrying about money and it being my only objective? That's never been me. Giving a damn about a man who couldn't care less about me and thinks the Sun rises and set upon his ass? That's never been me. I am definitely changing.

What do you do when you do everything right- eat- exercise- etc. and you're STILL sick? What do you do when you cut your leisure spending in half and pay all your bills upfront yet you're still plagued by money issues? What do you do when a man basically tells you he loves you and you're the only female he trust (even ON TOP of his mom) and you can't even get him to answer your calls or return your texts? Smile?

It's funny how people judge. They talk about my "nasty attitude," "unappealing persona" and even the "mean mug," but most times when I hear that I want to reply... "if you think the looks on my face is bad you should see what's going on inside my head!" Man, I am going through it! My heart is so heavy right now- I can't even explain it. Something is always going on, I don't even have time to re cooperate before another thing happens, or time to ruminate before another thought rapes me! Blind sided and overwhelmed!

If one knew what I came from. If one could have a glimpse of what I've been through. If one would on take the time to imagine that there is a reason I am the way that I am- maybe I wouldn't seem so bad. I am down right now and these walls are SO familiar. No one to talk to- not sure what to think.... all too familiar. Yea, I could call my mom- she went through it a few years back. I even talked with a couple of my female co workers who went through it too, but no one really understands what I am going through. I wasn't in my 50's, 40's, 30's.... GOD I am only 24! I am a baby! No one understands me! I could call Derrick... but what good would it really do me other than feeling like a charity case? The only one who could ever and does understand me- he was THE FIRST I went to; Yahshua. I am leaving them there.

Unfinished Business

So, when you leave one phase of life and MOVE on to another- knowingly having not completed all the tasks or gotten rid of old feelings that you think you will always harbor, what do you do? I just want to start over, but starting over entails leaving certain things and certain PEOPLE in the past. No more phone calls, e-mail, letters. No more thoughts of them, or him somehow working his was into my dreams via my subconscious. I have just got to go cold turkey- no more "Charge It To The Game". I mean, I am going to go for what I know. I have tried numerous times in the last six years to let go, but I just can't. I guess I will just go the rest of my life wondering, what really happened between us- but I sure as hell don't know!

MOVING along... there are other people in my life that have caused such a bad influence, that I can not wait to be away from them. Niggas, who have never left the hood mentality behind and never quite learned how to treat a woman. I guess that wouldn't be a bad thing if I hadn't learned how to love and treat a man. But, unfortunately- my drive to love is so strong that I can't control it. And many times when I wish to just "play," my heart gets pulled in. That's why for so long I couldn't get rid of Polaris and I damn for sure couldn't get rid of 5th Ave. But now, I am starting to MOVE on. I see people are just trying to pull me down so that they feel better about their lives- and I can't let it happen anymore!

Closure is something that everyone needs. I guess in the case of Charge It To The Game, I am just going to have to let those feelings stay buried in Ohio. I think with 50, I loved him for so long that it was so hard to let him go, but eventually I did... and soon there after he somehow got my number out of one of the few friends I have left back in E.C. and called me trying to spit game AFTER HE DOGGED ME for 6 years. HA! I guess it's logical that I am still not over Charge It To The Game, I liked him a lot longer than I liked 50- or any other man for that matter. So, I guess it only makes sense that it will take a little bit longer to get over him, but I am pretty certain 07' is the year.

Right now I am just trying to STAY focused. No one will ever love me the way I love me. I love the fact that I can look in the mirror, because it wasn't always that way. All I ever saw was dark skin and nappy hair. All I ever saw was hate. But I learned that beauty is something that you have to be in the right state of mind to see. I always thought other people were ugly. I always found flaws in them, but that was only because FIRST- I found flaws in myself. But my mindset has been altered. I now see the beauty in things.

It's not always about money or who has the nicest car, but who loves you the most. Leaving OSU, the only person I can think of who just loved me for me and I just loved him for him is David Lanier. I am sure there are a few more names hidden here and there, but it never was the flyest guy who showed me love- but it damn for sure was the realest.

I guess I will have a year to REALLY think about things (if that's long enough). Then again I will have a whole year to MOVE on with my life. Hopefully somewhere in there Big Time and I will be together, because I truly do love him, but if not- well, I will just have to live with that. Like he once told me- we are on the same page- even when we don't speak... we know we are both thinking the same thing; words can go unsaid. Just the same, some things are better left undone, some feelings unexpressed and some business unfinished!

Bent Not Broken

Rules, why are the really made. Some say that they're meant to be broken, while others go with the concept of JUST bending them. Which ever you feel, it seems there is no time when one completely goes by the rules. Never cry over someone who isn't worth you tears. The irony in that statement is apparent because the ones who are worth my tears never make me cry! Never choose a male "friend" over a female "friend, friend being the operative word on one hand meaning lover and on the other meaning disguised foes. In a world so cold where people no longer know how to love, how is it possible for a person who STILL has love in their heart to act on it?

Right now I am so far beyond hate that I don't know what to do with myself. I know that there are people out there constantly talking about me, but it's time to let childish things go. I mean, what do they really matter anyway? None of them are putting money in my pocket- and none of them give a damn about my well being. So, instead of harboring on what someone has to say about me- I'd much rather keep it moving. You know! Since they're not putting money in my pocket- focus on my job and finances. And since none of my hater are worried about my well being, and am determined to be in better shape and better health and most importantly, I am convinced that I have to make so detrimental changes in my life to succeed in someone of my unfinished business (my degree, my book, my love life with.... wouldn't you love to know). It may all seem like babbling to you, but this is real life. It's not myspace, facebook or a blog- this is the real. There comes a point in every one's life when they have to admit HATERS do play a role and as much as I "hate" saying it, they have caused a negative affect in my life. But all in the same breath I MUST say that, though the haters bent my I've never been broken. They can't break my stride.

With this move, new job- new city I have decided to bring a new me. Ms New Booty you can call it, lol. I remember when I first arrived at OSU, I found a way to stay out of drama and that was by staying to myself. Once I let "friends" in, thats when it started- and after 6 years of being in Columbus, it's still happening. I will say this, even after I made "friends" and drama started I STILL stayed out of it. When they were going to the club, I NEVER went, I stayed in my dorm and studied. I guess that explains why I got that 3.66 GPA my first quarter here while most others had .somethings. Then, I messed up, and I never got back on the right track. I bent that cycle, but I did not break it! This explains why I am getting back to THAT Lindsay... The no nonsense, stay out of other bitches business and drama type of chick. I am back.

You see this world love to see one fall. Beyonce did it and she popped right back up. Aaliyah said it of her Star Search loose. She got back up and dusted herself off, thus her song "Try Again". The thing I am realizing is that certain things are meant to be never broke, in fact not even bent, while other things are meant to be done away with. The only thing that I have that has been broken is my heart- and the funny thing is, someone probably just meant to "BEND" it, but they didn't realize that with your heart, it's all or nothing. But I feel that if I have had a broken heart for the last 6 years and 8 months (the day He walked out of my life) and I have STILL found someway to move on and make something of my life- success has to be around the corner. Because, I have been hurt BAD, and it's not letting up. So, somethings got to give.

I'm Happy

Through all the bullshit and drama, right now I am so content. I am seeing straight through all the negative things that are being thrown at me left and right. This is so crazy because THIS happiness is all as a result of Big Time, a nigga I haven't talked to in (exactly) two weeks. It's funny when words don't need to be spoken (literally) and you know STILL that you are on the same page as that special person. He is all that matters to me right now. Yea, there are other men who I kick it with here and there- but none of them are serious about me, so I am not going to waste the time to be serious about them. I guess he has touched a part of my heart that I thought had died and I am so glad. I had given up on him time and time again... and when I called him to end everything- he told me everything I've ever wanted a man to say to me. Unedited, straight from the heart.

People have a lot of negative things to say about me, but sometimes it takes a person who has been through the same shit as you- have to judge you. The bitches who came up in paradise- I couldn't care less about what they think of me. The niggas who are mad I wouldn't let em' fuck- I couldn't give a damn about em'. But a man who has been through it all- I respect his opinion of me. It means so much coming from him. I once read an anthology- and for the life of me, here four years later I can't locate the passage (the anthology is over 2000 pgs long & I'll be damned if I reread it for 20 lines), but it's basically an African American female writer pleading that she would never want a white person to write a biography about her life. While all they would see, define and acknowledge is the fact the she grew up poor- they would never be able to fathom, preserve the fact nor present that she was all along HAPPY!

Real Talk

OK, so first and foremost... fuck Facebook's honesty box. All it is is a tool for cowardly bitches to take a shot at you and for niggas who are too shy to approach you to find their way! Speaking of cowardly bitches, I got this hoe at Delphi I have to deal with now! She has been apparently pretending to be my girl- trying to roll with me and the whole nine while secretly hating on me behind my back for the last three month. She is after a dude who wants to be with me, so she felt that if she could get us mad at each other she would win him over? HA! Not a shot in hell. See, girls need to realize that once I have made my way into a dudes hears there is no turning them against me. You may get them mad and roweled up for a bit, but once the calm down and have time to think about how great of a person I am, they will be right back. Don't take it as conceit, but I know that I am a real and genuine female- and that's hard to come across in 2007. Just to be honest I know I have an attitude for the ages, but when you have so many other positive aspects of your life- it out weighs a little attitude.

See people have theories on me. Apparently I sabotage friendships? Well, my thoughts on that theory is this- a REAL friendship can not be sabotaged. The fact is, you were never a good friend to begin with so I didn't value you being in my life. You see, when I have been a friend with a person and I stop fucking with them, they always come back and try to get cool with me- so it's quite obvious that if I didn't do the same to you, I never gave a fuck about you. Though I may play the blond role- don't mistake it. I know who my REAL friends are and I know who is just fronting. I know that I have a close acquaintance who throws herself at every niggas she sees me show interest in. She wears her breast out on every day of the week and tries to flaunt because she has nothing to offer. Just the same, I have a friends who does the same with her ass. Tight jeans, super shorts dresses TO THE MALL!!!!!? Whoa, is that all necessary? See, bitches can say a lot about Lindsay- but the can not honestly say I don't have class. The only thing that separates me from the rest of you hoes is I have enough ball, moxy and confidence to call you perpetrating hoes out! I just don't give a fuck! I will tell you how I REALLY feel about you- with no regards. This is the only reason I have ever had DRAMA because I SPEAK HONESTY to you face and don't have to hide anonymously or wait for facebook to add an application! You chicks need to get brave and say what you have to say to my face. Other wise it will go out with the junk mail! & that's REAL TALK!!!

What Do You Do When...

You don't know what to do? In the famous words of my co-worker Matt, "I don't know what I don't know." It's funny, or puzzling rather when someone can profess their love and respect for you yet- they don't answer your calls or return your texts. Paradoxical actually. You can have SO much wrapped up into one person- and they just can't see. No, I can't even say that he doesn't see- because I know he does... but he can't change, not even a little. There comes a point when one has to make a decision and judge whether someone else is worth the drama? i just don't know yet.

I have found an untapped resource in my mind lately. I place full of emotions I never knew I has. The NEED to stick up for my mother. The NEED to stick up for my father. The NEED to stick up for my "immediate" family. It's funny that even the family members you THINK are your closest can sometimes be the most hateful, deceitful and conniving persons alive. What is it all about I ask; jealousy? What would cause a sister to downplay the pain and suffering her two older sibling went through? SATAN! What would cause a cousin to back stab the one who they have ALWAYS looked up to? SATAN! I can't worry about it because it is all in Yahweh's hands. What I do know is this, though my mother may have a sister, she raised me in a much different manner than that which her sister raised her children and though we are cousins- we are far from alike. I watch what I say and if I wanted to I KNOW ENOUGH TO MAKE AN EMPIRE FALL... I don't have to go on fallacy and exaggerate/make shit up. I know what I am talking about and there is no way that a female who is a child at heart could ever phase any part of my life. I just pray for my family- because ignorance takes people down & hatred keeps them down!

Regardless of what is happening in my personal life, I have made the decision to never let things bother me- whether they are too positive or too negative. Meaning, sometimes you think things are too good (positive) to be true and sometimes it seems you life could never get and worse. But as I said before, we have to make a conscious decision to make our life what it needs to be.

Now and RIGHT now, I am making the conscious decision to love Big Time and no one else. I know it make cause me a lot of pain and things are always up in the air, but I believe in him and I know he is worth it. Like he told me, we are friends- and that is before everything else. I can't worry about the future- I can't only deal with that which is in front of me THE FUTURE! And furthermore, I hope that he is my future- if it turns out that he isn't, I don't know what to do. I don't know what I don't know!

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Let shit go! Plain and simply- bull SHIT is not worth harboring. Yahweh has already predetermined EVERYTHING so rather than fretting over something you have NO control over- know that it's in HIS hands and already done! I find peace in that. Most things that use to bother me before, I don't give a damn about. I know my life is tailor made!

I remember watching an episode of CW's The Game where one of the NFL wives was suffers from a breakdown. In this episode the other two female characters Tasha and Melanie advise her to put her husband in check. Though he is the bread winner of the family having a successful NFL career- he suggests that his wife's duties are no as important. She has the breakdown during a very important playoff game which after, she writes a list of objectives she needs to set straight in her marriage... but when Jason leaves in the middle of the game as he hears of his wife's illness, she is so baffled- impressed- and shocked that he would leave anything concerning his career to cater to her, that she discards her list. Well, I said all that to say- this is how I felt about Big Time. When I got back to CO on Monday, I was really upset. I wrote a 2 page poem, which is something I haven't done since 03'. I was sitting around my apartment the next day deciding how I was going to give it to him. By mail? Leave it on his nightstand? Drop it under his door? Windshield? The question was so puzzling to me because I KNOW that I have never given someone a poem I wrote about them and carried out a successful relationship/friendship. It's something about my poems that jinx me- so until I am ready to let someone go, they will NEVER read what I have to say about them! I remember back in 2003 when My Lil' Squirrel stumbled across the poem/rap I wrote about him on my computer. I guess that should have been a sign that I should have let him go before I even got in too deep- but I was to charmed to read the signs.... Too bad!

Anyhow, I couldn't really figure out how to give the poem to Big Time, but I knew that it was time for me to move on. I wouldn't just re-write it neatly or type it out and have it handy next time I visited Cleveland because I knew I wouldn't have to let him go. Needless to say, Yahweh didn't let me do that. Indeed as soon as we got on the phone, it's like Big Time just started pouring out all these feelings. I sat there lying on my bedroom floor (which I NEVER do) with tears pouring, and as I glanced over to the stack a ragged ends of notebook paper that had been pulled out from spirals in time past and time recent- I knew there was no way in hell I was going to forward that last entry to him... NO WAY NO HOW! It's not over!

This is why I am starting to realize that there is not reason in being unhappy- other than the sole purpose of having a contrast so that one can know the difference. While I was sitting there until 4 am writing the drastic poem... then continues all Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons debating on how and when I would give it to him, I never knew what Yahweh had in store for me. By 2:48am on Thursday morning I would be feeling just as Kelly did on The Game- Happy. Just as she had the paper in her hand waiting to tear Jason a new asshole when she saw him, she never expected that he would show up for her. She quickly whisked the paper away under her sheets in the hospital bed, just like I disregarded the poem.

It's funny no matter what my poems are about, happy or sad, I almost always love to go back to the "archives" and read them- but this poem is different. It's over, I am happy- and I am not revisiting those thoughts that were prematurely envisioned.

I Loved This Man My Whole Life

It;s hurts when you find out information about someone from your past in a fucked up way. I am starting to realize that- eventually, one gets over it- as will I. "Charge It To The Game" has a son. A cute little son and he still isn't talking to me!?!? I guess that's alright though, because for the first time since 2001 I am making a conscious effort to move on from him. Well, aside from wishing him happy birthday, I am moving on. It is what it is! It's funny how things like birthdays become excuses for staying in touch with people. As if it is really deemed necessary and priority to wish someone well, when it probably better off if you say nothing at all!

Speaking of birthdays, yesterday was the 26th of Delphi's and somehow in a drunken stupor at Rosie O'Grady's last night, I texted him. Which between 11:38pm and 4:25am- created a string of texts that basically rekindled something. I am not sure what it is but SOME THING! And after talking all that shit, "Here we go again!" ~DMX

Oh yea, and Big Time- that is anything but over, matter of fact after last night I realized that it has just began. The first week of July was kind of an anniversary for us, but to me it seemed as if there was no progression. Well, June marked our first official date! I mean, it wasn't Applebees, I mean the man took me downtown to Hype Park, so it was all good- but the date within it's self was somewhat of a disaster. We pretty much argued the whole time, and though we were just short of making a scene in front of a group of Cleveland's rich White patrons, we calmed down before that arena was penetrated. But as funny as that night went and how ironically he called me as I was stranded downtown in need of a ride last Friday right as he was rolling two streets away, I never thought that he would bless my ears last night. We had one of those monumental discussions of a lifetime that I will not soon forget. I think I had many with Charge It To The Game" one with Esco back in 06' My Lil' Squirrel hit me with one back in 03' but this one succeeded them all. He told me that I was his friend, his REAL friend like on of his niggas. He explained to me that I have the trust that even his mother hasn't merited. Shit, a lot was said, but at 2:48 am he told me I was the strongest woman he has ever known.... and the tears started pouring. Sometimes, NO! All the time, I am such a cry baby! All I can say is that it was an eventful evening...

So, two Negroes from Delphi tried to catch me up as if I ever belonged to either of them. One is a baby daddy twice over and is a known Delphi hoe and the other is living with his FIANCEE' and somewhere in there I was expected to be faithful? Niggas these days!

Anywho- things are looking real up. I am keeping the New York shit under raps- I guess except from the few if any who read this mess! I am loving life and for once it is loving me.

"Don't It Always Seem To Go, That You Don't Know What You've Got Til' It's Gone?..."

~Joni Mitchell

She sang it, I live it. It's taken me sometime, but am finally learning how to appreciate every moment in life and all of the beautiful things in this world Yahweh created. I think the first moment happened earlier this year when I was looking up at the ceiling in work. Yes, it is the regular filth covered industrial factory- but there was something about how the sun shone threw the windows at a perfect angle. Geometrically- it was lovely, and I am quite certain that no one has and no one will ever be able to appreciate that beauty I witnessed. Even if I pointed it out, they would never seen it through my eyes. It was that moment that I began to wonder, "how many lost moments of beauty have I missed out on in my past because I didn't take the time to realize or I didn't have the heart rather?"

Well, that thought lead me to one experience I will probably never have again, but I will always remember, and if the were some minute chance- I WISH I could relive it! Freshman year (2001) Ohio State vs. michigan football in ann arbor. My seat where front and center- friends and family section (for michigan) and there my sister and I were- all decked out in SCARLET & GRAY! I guess back then I wasn't into football and I wasn't aware of how big the rivalry was- oh, if I could turn back the hands of time...

I am starting to think about my past relationships... past friendships... past opportunities that I just let pass me by. Things I just can't forget about. The people I hurt, the people who hurt me... the people who hurt me... the people who hurt me... "the one that makes you happy, they say HURTS you the most!" I guess it really is too hard for me to cherish the memories without remembering the pain. Every time I tell myself it's going to be different- I convince myself, but it never is- it's ALWAYS the same. Lyrics are crazy!...

Smug? How can you look at someone who loved you like that? Proud that they are in defeat? That's it for me, that was the end- the smug look!

"I'm threw with it LOVE, I'm threw it- threw it LOVE!" ~Destiny's Child

lol, but I am done. This last time really hurt me. Even though I hate to admit it, I am hurt. Real hurt. I have to look defeat in the eyes everyday without saying a word. I am hurt and I will continue to be hurt for a long time. Sanity- is a thing you don't miss until it's gone with the wind. As if I didn't already have enough weight on my shoulders, thoughts on my mind, stress on my soul. This last time really hurt me...

A Woman's Worth...

It's crazy where inspiration comes from. Alicia keys wrote a song after watching a Revlon (?) commercial, that in my life has caused a movement. I am so sick of knowing who I am and people not realizing it, so I am making a conscious decision to exile some of the mutha fuckas out of my life. I guess it started last night when I was talking to Big Time. He just made a few statements that let me know he doesn't give a damn about me- after all we've been through. So DELETE. It's that simple DELETE and move on.

I went to meet an acquaintance on campus last night and that whole thing turned out to be a fiasco. She isn't my friend, and it seems that every chance she gets to TRY and throw something in my face she does, but they funny thing is- I have already peeped game, so she is just making a fool out of herself. Last night was the latest. She BEGGED me to come on campus to join her and SOME other people. Of course when I got there it was just her and her date (a nigga who has been chasing me for the last 15 months). It's funny, I guess she was TRYING to make me jealous- why else would you lie and have me be the third wheel when there were no other people around? Needless to say, when I say it was just the two of them I fell all the way back until she kept screaming my name to come closer to them. Upon doing that, this drunk fat ass PROACTIVE needing nigga mugs me!?!? And for what reason? Maybe because he tried so long and couldn't get inside of this! HA! What a bust! Then continues to call me a bitch, my mom a bitch, etc. And what did she do? Stand there and let it happen. I am all too familiar with this seen. It's happened twice before this past year, one of which ended with me getting spit on and coincidentally- she was there to WITNESS that too. I guess this week we all are witnesses, because that bitch did nothing to defend my honor. Now there are many things I could do to retaliate- but one thing comes to mind; remaining silent and letting it go. My neighbor warned me about her type. He told me that she is a hoe and that nigga pipe her talk about it and clown her. He told me that by rolling with here I was polluting my image, etc. So I decide to measure my worth and stop hanging around chicks who are inferior to me. This is exactly why I have been falling back and laying low lately. She may have thought, damn I haven't kicked it with L. in a bit- but that was all by design. As for her ugly, pimple infested, fat ass- bastard having nigga she is rolling with who thinks it's funny to disrespect and strike females- he has his coming, lol.

Furthermore, I have just been sitting back digesting a lot of things lately. I have been doing a lot of listening and a lot of people watching. Silence truly is golden. You can do more remaining silent that you ever could speaking because people will always wonder what you are thinking. Everyday I am becoming more comfortable with myself in my skin- who I am. I am becoming more proud and I am loving my life and every bit in it both good and bad. Everything happened for a reason.

I will say this, I am lucky. There are tons of people who hate me and even more who wish bad things upon me, but there are a seldom few who love and appreciate me and those are the ones who count in my life. Though I am away from many of them (The fam, Derrick & Howard) they are still my constants. I know my worth. I know who I am and who I am looking forward to becoming. People need to learn to stop pretending to be someone they are not, because once you find who you really are- everything else in life falls right into place. I know it, I'm a walking testimony- I guess you could say, I'm a witness!

I've Voided Your Excuse/ You Can Save Your Song And Dance...

You see, my little cousin "Nikki" had something when she started that 0 tolerance policy last year. No shit from any nigga! Well, I am going to start applying this policy to my life. I have to tell you, it's hard not to go back to a begging man after you've been dealing with him for years. But, as I said before I am sick of being that on again off again girl. There is going to be nothing different about THIS time! His apologies are still the same. There is a point when second and third and fourth and fifth chances just become stupidity. In the infamous words my girl Nikeya Wade spoke to our manager Matt, "I won't allow myself to become any man's flunky."

I am at the point in my life where I am done dreaming and ready to take some actions. I have nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain. If I got up and left Columbus tomorrow I wouldn't be leaving much behind. Really OHIO as a whole. If I left Ohio tomorrow the only this I would be leaving behind is an unfinished degree and my family. Now, yes- those are two very important things in my life that I am not ready to let go of just yet- but a year from now? A year from now I will have completed my undergraduate studies. A year from now will be the same as today concerning my family, because I know no matter where life leads me- they are always in my heart and they are always backing me 100%! So, there it is.

Right now I am on my grind. I am pinching every penny I have! Saving here- doing me there, lol. I have definitely realized what is important in life. Man, I tell ya- I have ignored so many phone calls in the last two weeks that I may as well disconnect my damned phone. I am sick of hearing niggas' bullshit. I am sick of hearing bitches pretend to be my friends. The whole process is just so exhausting- so why front?... why even answer?

For a while I was so dedicated to trying to secure some college friends. In the world they say these are you real friends, the ones you remember for the rest of your life- but that's not real talk! I am going to leave OSU with the same friend I had when I came here- DERRICK. Of course I am going to have a plethora of experiences and stories- but that's it! I am just so ready to move on. In a way it is comforting to know that the people I needed in my life have been there for the last six years- its just sad to note that I didn't recognize them for who they are!

I came to OSU a young lady and I will leave a WOMAN. There will be many references to my past- but I doubt I will mention many names. I tried being friends with man, I tried finding love through many- I guess I even tried finding myself through many. I now realize that this is part of growing. I will move on never looking over my shoulder wondering WHAT IF? I gave everyone A chance. I asked many for A chance. I tested every relation/friendship and I came out null and VOID. So, I am doing what TWEET sung, I am VOIDING all the excuses that are coming at me! I want everyone who is in my past to STAY in my past!

Send Me Packing!

On the real, I am sick of people being nice. At times is much better and way more appropriate to keep it real. If you don't like someone anymore or you never did- just let them know. The earlier the better. Don't sit around wasting some one's time being cordial- SEND EM' PACKING!

It's funny how differently men and women think. The logic of male and female is so contradictory- that it is no wonder that we can't get along. All I know is that I am tired of the past and it eating away at me. I am tired of being the off and on again type of girl. It's all or nothing from this point forward. If you're not acting up to par with my standards I'm sending you packing and taking names later!

Let Him Fly...

At times, there are no apologizes great enough, no compassion sincere enough and no love deep enough to do right by a person who refuses to see your better side. You can write him poems, e-mail him, text him just to say, "hi!" It doesn't matter, if he is looking for bad- that is all he is going to see. I am 24 and am now learning that sometimes- you have to just let go. Not having the guy you want is punishment enough- stop punishing yourself further by hanging on. With that being said, I want to send a final bid to "Charge It To The Game," "Esco Bar," "Big Time," and many others who have been the corner stones to my blog and my heart for many months~ many years.


"Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart."
~Anne Frank


I am a good girl and no matter what I ALWAYS look for the good in people. That's how I found Howard Baldridge- my Ace Boon Coon! Everyone was telling me he was a shiesty nigga, yet- I'd rather to find out for myself. When I did- I found that he would become one of the most valuable assets in my life. That goes the same for Aric Caine. I realized that these two young men may have done many people dirty- but as long as they have never done dirt to me- I will never look at them under those conditions. See, most people don't have this concept. Most people are not willing to find out for themselves. And, I guess THIS is why the guys I like won't (not don't) like me. They are so use to being brainwashed by this persona of "bitches ain't shit" that they feel to realize that maybe they should find out for themselves. Therefore, I have failed before I have even tried- because I have this image to go up against that I haven't even created! What sense does that make?

It's sad, I will never have the NFL player, never have the team captain and never have the big time D Boi, because I will always be playing the back burner. I will never have the regular niggas because they are too scare to approach me, I will never have the rich nigga because I am not polished enough (I guess it is the E.C. tomboy in me). I can go on forever telling you what I will not have, but most importantly- I will not have another nigga down me and label me as something I am not because they fail to believe- fail to find out first hand- fail acknowledge BEAUTY.

It's an issue I've have been wanting to address... How you can you treat someone like they are temporary and expect them to act like they are eternal? How can you treat something like shit and expect it to taste like sugar? How can you treat women like trash and expect them to turn into treasure? You put in what you get out! I am just sick of dealing with it!


"Ain't no talking to this man- ain't no pretty other side/ Ain't no way to understand THE stupid word of/ It would take and acrobat, but I already tried all that/ So, I'm going to let him fly... You must always know how long to stay and when to go/ and there ain't no talking to this man- he isn't trying to tell me so/ It took a while to understand the beauty of just letting go/
~Jessica Simpson Let Him Fly



I want to send a (BLOG) Rest In Peace shout out to...
S.C.C.
T.J.S.
R.J.A.

Well I'm That Mutha Fucka All Day!!!!! My Version

Have you ever been to Disney World or walked through your favorite amusement park and saw a ride you wanted to get on but you weren't tall enough to get on that mutha fucka? Or, been eating popcorn and your mother, sister or brother wouldn't hold it for you? Or the line was too long?.... Well, I'm that mutha fucka baby, up and down!
_Original_

You ever walked down the street humming your favorite tune, and seen money on the ground or in an opened window, but your arms were just too short, you just weren't quick enough to grab it, the wind was blowing too hard or it was in the street and traffic was too busy to get to it? Well, I'm that mutha fucka all day!!!!!

_Mykl's Version_

Have you ever ate a bag a grippos and wondered why it wasn't enough spices on them mutha fuckas like the ones from the Nati, or wanted to wash them down with some jungle juice and your mother, brother or sister poured you a cup of thirst rockers??? Well. I'm the mutha fucka up and down!!!

_Vince's version_

(the above was stolen from Myk's facebook page- mind you)

It seems like I can't win for losing. No matter what the situation I come out with the short end of the stick. I don't even know if I have much to say in this posting...

Well, my birthday party and the celebration there after were a bust! I have finally come to the conclusion- that I am done being there for people when people aren't there for me. Fuck parties, fuck bitches needing advice- fuck em' all! Then, Delphi and I kind of made up about two weeks ago- then immediately fell out again, lol. But then I guess we made up again when he gave me the first season of Martin for my birthday gift. It wasn't just the gift- but it showed that he knows me well- even though I hate to admit it. Erin got me white Chanel glasses- that gift can't ever be topped- oh, apart from the trip to Vegas that Big Time is taking me on in July :-) I guess life isn't always that bad, lol.

Sunday I received a surprising e-mail on myspace from Maize & Blue. He mentioned how bad he felt about how he hurt me- and how it has been weighing on his heart for a long time. He apologized and blah blah blah. I responded very positively and formal. I told him I excepted his apology and that I had moved on from it- but the truth is- that ain't real talk! The fact is, I hate when people apologize for themselves; meaning- he did not apologize for the simple fact that he is an asshole and he did me wrong, he apologized only because it was making him feel bad. And, this is why niggas ain't shit. After four years, you want to apologize? After you went out and had a baby on me, you want to apologize? After you fucking ruined my life, you want to apologize? Well, take you bitch ass apology and shove it where the sun doesn't shine! I could give 264 and a half fucks about excepting your bullshit ass apology so that you don't feel bad anymore about being a bitch! UNFORGIVABLE! lol! (youtube it!)

The bad thing about being a good girl is you finish last, but the great thing about being a good girl is... after you have shed 257 billion tears, pried yourself off your bedroom floor, turned off the sad songs playing on you winamp, pieced your broken heart back together (somehow)- and then AS SOON AS you move on- they come running back! Well, I guess it is a great thing when and ONLY when you are truly over them, but if you aren't it's dangerous because you can be sucked right back in- & THAT is what I am trying to stay away from! Hopefully the water has run dry...

Moving along and on a different note, life is crazy. You can see what you want- it's attainable- as a matter of fact it is right in front of you- but you can't reach it. Life is crazy and sometimes you're so caught up in it- that it passes you by. It's always the wrong niggas. It's always rushing to make a decision. So instead of the man you want, you get the dorm room mate- the football team mate- the high school best friend. And sometimes- you find your way in and get to his heart before he can say, "I can't talk to you, you use to mess with Sean," "I can't talk to you, you use to talk to Pierre," "I can't talk to you, you use to talk to Najib!" Well, I'm that mutha fucka all day. I can't ever have what I want because of minor mistakes I made in the past. It's funny how loyal men will be to niggas that REALLY ain't their boys. But, they would never believe me if I told them- because I am a female and in 2007- bitches lie! Things never turn in my favor. Even when we're cool, talk on aim, talk on facebook- kick it here and there. Some things are so close yet so far away! Because niggas won't even accept friendships these days... even though a candle looses nothing from lighting another! Well, I'm That Mutha Fucka All Day- always finishing last!