Love Jones

When I use to get sad, down, depressed, I'd drink and listen to my Sad Songs playlist on iTunes. You know the one. It includes songs like Am I Not Pretty Enough by Kasey Chambers or anything Mary J from the 90s or prior to No More Drama before she got Kendu and happy. Now? I watch Love Jones. Even though I know things will never be the same and I can never take him back, it's good to watch a story similar to ours and see a happy ending. I wish it were that simple. I want to be like those girls in the movies...well I guess Ashanti sang it best. 

Everything Means Nothing.

I miss my ex. I am so in love with him and I will probably regret and be embarrassed of this truth later down the line, but right now there is nothing else. I've been keeping busy. None of that matters…neither did I. I never thought someone I love so much could hurt me and disregard me so easily. It never crossed my mind. I've been doing a lot of things and having a lot of thoughts I'm ashamed of. Guess I'll try to sleep. The operative word being try. Love is really shitty.

What's Next

It's been a long time since I've posted on this blog. I've been through a lot of back and forth with a man in this last year. He broke it off a couple of weeks ago and I am trying to figure out where my place is in this world. He was basically the only thing keeping my head above water, not I'm drowning. So easily, he's moved on. I realize, I need to do the same. Everything about this apartment reminds me of him. Everything about this city reminds me of him. I hear his voice still. At a certain time of day I still anticipate his arrival. But that is over and it will never be again. I am trying to wrap my mind around why I am so disposable to so many people. I spent the last two years of my life with this man. I could see forever with him. We both had problems, but my focus was growing and learning to be a better woman. I wanted to help him become the man he wants to be and the man I know he is capable of being. But we just didn't have the same focus. The problem is, he didn't see me in his life so there was nothing he could do to be considerate of me. I've been contemplating finding a new job and moving home. Or applying for school. Or sticking it out here until my mind is clear and my heart isn't broken. They say it's not good to make big decisions based off of emotions. Anyway around, I feel lost. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel like no one wants me. I just feel alone. He was more than my boyfriend, he was my best friend and I truly loved him. I loved him with pure love--a love I didn't even know could exist. Now that I wasted it on someone who only pretended with me, I wonder, what's next?

FUCK YOU CANCER

My mother called me twice today in the early afternoon. I didn't want to talk. I have pneumonia and feel drained. I have no clue where I stand with my so-called boyfriend, and I'm not ready to answer any questions about it. But more than anything, I was tired. Tired physically. Tired mentally. Tired. My mom is almost always uplifting, but for some reason I ignored the call. Well, she was persistent. And persistence always makes me fear the worse. With thirty years under my belt of my mom's borderline harrassment-like calls, which always turn out to be about a recipe, a family member I dislike or some other mundane thing, I don't know why I get a rush or worry when I see more than one missed call from her. Today proved to be the reason. My dad has cancer. And now my recent break up doesn't matter. Woes at my job haven't a second thought. Pneumonia is a walk in the part. And all things I thought were the worse in the world now seem like roses.

Tonight, I asked my mom if she thinks my dad knows how much he means to me and she quickly replied, "I think he does." Then I asked her, "Do you know how much you mean to me?" She paused for a long time, began to cry and then replied, "I think so." This means at best, the two people who created me and raised me, the two people who mean the most to me are only partially certain of my love for them. That ain't good. That's not acceptable.

My mom found a lump in her breast and had it removed days before I was born. She's told me the sad story a million times. She was alone. My mom is a trooper. She is the best person I know. My dad will not go through this alone.

When he wouldn't go in for the biopsy weeks ago, my mom threatened to tell us--us meaning me. Before then the possibility had been a secret between the two of them. Anyhow, he refused to go to the appointment and my mom called me. She affectionately said she chose me, the baby, the pitbull of the three, because she knew I would get the job done. I've always been that way. I'd call myself the screw up. My sisters are so perfect. They're such good women--the kind of women I aspire to be. They turn the other cheek. They do unto others. They are always the bigger person. Meanwhile, I am the one who seeks revenge when I know it's not mine. I've gotten better over the years, but when someone starts a thing, I finish it. I always get the last word--even when it's not my battle to fight. If someone wrongs a person I love, my loved one will smile and let it go, but I am the one who steps in and defends his/her honor. So with that being said, my dad will fight this fight quietly, but I am going to be the one who screams out loudly, "FUCK YOU CANCER," with a double flick off to the air. And I hope Cancer hears me. And I hope Cancer fucks off.

The Last Time I Felt Beautiful

Relationship woes have changed me. I will never be the same person again. I think I'll gain confidence back and I will be a better person, eventually, but I won't be the same care free person I once was. I look at everything and everybody completely different. There were women I didn't respect. Now I see, I'd just never been in love before. Being in love will make one do crazy things. I just had a look in the mirror. I had a thought. When was the last time I felt beautiful? I can't remember. I've had cute outfits; I've even fit back into some pre-gaining-weight stunners. I've had numerous good hair days. I've found new makeup tricks. But I see now, the way I feel inside null and voids all those other things. I eat everyday. I'm doing better with my eating habits, but I haven't been feeding my soul. I don't know when or how I will change, but I look forward to it. Everyone doesn't like dark skinned girls. Most days, it seems my boyfriend even doesn't. Everyone doesn't like thick girls. Everyone doesn't like opinionated women. I don't care about all that. I just look forward to the day I look in the mirror and feel beautiful again.

Empty

We ended it and I am not going to lie. I didn't think it was really over. I thought we were bluffing. I thought he loved me. I thought it would all blow over. I was wrong. I fought for seven months. I fought to keep my relationship. I did everything I could think of. I even prayed. Prayer never came naturally for some reason. But I prayed. This relationship made me question and inevitably lose my faith in Yahweh. Now, I am lost and alone. I still pray to Him though. In my heart I know this is a test. I pray for the love of my life too. He will never understand what he means to me. And if I told him, it would fall on deaf ears. So, I will gain military silence. I will let him walk out of my life. I will sit, alone in my apartment and cry myself into insomnia. I will be miserable and unhappy on the inside, but smile on the outside. I will try to live. Right now, I haven't moved off of the couch since he texted me. I can't move. He's coming to get the rest of his things tonight. After that, I will probably go the rest of my life never seeing him. It's crazy. This is the last day I will ever see the love of my life. I can't even wrap my mind around it. I want to die. My thirtieth birthday is a week from today and I don't want to face it. We had so many plans. I've alienated my friends and family, so I will literally be alone. I truly hate myself and I can not understand why life is so ugly. Regardless of the location of my faith, I know there is an Elohim and I know he has to love me...I just can't believe there isn't an opposite to this feeling. There has to be someone who loves me. It has to be Elohim and it's that simple. Today I was unceremoniously thrown away via text message and I am not well. I can't even pretend. My next goal--and this is an expeditious one--is to find a reason and will to live. My heart is dead. I feel so lost. I feel so empty. I can't believe I made it 30 years and I don't have a soul to talk to other than this blog. My best friend never loved me. My best friend isn't my friend at all. I am in love with something that never existed. I will never love again.

Illusion

Hold me close to you and nothing else matters When you leave my sight my entire world shatters Even when you're not there, your place is my home You're the only time I'm happy. You're the only time I'm not alone Lie next to me, put your arm around my body More intimate than making love; you are my favorite hobby But just like water under a bridge, we can't look back With the love came pain to throw us off track I believe in righting wrongs, you believe in giving up You can't see that soul mate is more than staying in love No more nights of dreaming, only nights for mourning And crying over this forever I thought was forming Still I only see you although I know I am replaced Tonight will be last time I look you in the face You took away my forever only to leave me hanging I thought you were happy, I thought I was engaging I use to believe in forever. I use to believe in love That's before I found out there was never an us for Jarhead

Life, Death and Appreciation

As I grow older and wiser I am learning to appreciate simple things about life and the simplest thing death. Death, there is no coming back from that and one will never know his or her last moment on Earth. But life, although more complicated is yet simple. I never knew about the purity of love. I always heard "God is love." And I always knew Yahweh is pure spirit, but I never put the two together. When you love someone it's simple. You can not control it and you can't control love's strength. There is nothing someone can do or say to make love non existent. But caring about someone? That's another beast. Caring is when you love someone and it matters. That love shakes you. I always thought caring came first, but I was wrong. Caring might never come at all. You can have love without caring, but I don't think you can care without loving. This is my opinion. I met someone a while ago who made believe he cared about me then he promptly went on to show me he couldn't care less. There is no thing like being risen on a platform--let's call it a pedestal, only to be dropped. I respect the people who drop you where you stand. It takes a certain kind of evil to build a person up only to let them down. In these last thirty years I have learned to love and appreciate. I never knew how to hate, I am happy to say. My parents taught me respect and somewhere along the way I realized how important these things are in life, death and beyond. This may seem like mindless babbling, but there is a point. If you have had the pleasure to live, love and be loved you're lucky. If you somehow learned to respect your lover you're one of few. If you got to show your lover how much you appreciate them they are lucky. And if somehow in the midst of it all you loved your lover back with the same amount of love? If you did this before death, you truly lived. If you didn't, you only existed. I exist, but I pray I will one day live.

Loving Someone Who Can't Love You Back

It sucks. But it's happened to all of us at one time or another. A relationship that is 100-0 is hard to be a part of. Never being considered. Always being disrespected. Love is not enough. There will be a point, a threshold that one can't pass and I am wondering if I'm walking up to it.

Relationships are different but all the same, contradiction--I know. You have two people who come from the same world but have completely different views on it. And in the end, the factor that keeps you together or breaks you apart is how you see the other person, not how you view his/her opinion. Is that person and your relationship the most important thing you're a part of? If the answer is wavering or no, it may be time to walk away.

I hate being on the back burner. There are so many things going on in my life that I haven't even realized that's where I've been sitting this entire relationship. I have to do some serious soul searching in the next week, because I won't go into the new year with negative baggage that I don't need and more importantly that doesn't need me.

Dreaming

I dreamed of Charge-it-to-the-Game last night. It was weird. Every time I feel something ending I run back to the first person who hurt me. I start to think of him and where we went wrong. I start to compare and wonder if I've grown. Am I making the same mistakes now that I did when I was 17? That would be a shame. Some people go their entire lives never find the one. It's my personal belief that until you find the one, you will keep making the same mistakes. Or maybe it's that the one will love you enough to look over your mistakes and infirmities. We all have them. I am not sure where my relationship is headed. Maybe I am dreaming, but on the good days I think it could last forever. Then someone says something wrong and an argument erupts from no where. We fight over nothing. We have nothing to fight about. It's our egos. Taurus have those you know? I keep wondering if we can get over our differences. I keep wondering if either one of us will let our guard down. If we both do, this could be something. At the end of the day I am in love and it's not over until it's over. When I think of him I smile. He makes me happy. I have something that none of my friends have. I don't need to shout it from the roof top. I don't need to announce it on Facebook. I have the kind of respect for this man that makes me do things without him asking. I've cut all my males friends off. No more "innocent" text message conversations. I don't really party and drink like I use to. I guess I a looking to solidify things. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I would never want anything to come up, no matter how innocent it may have been, that would make him doubt me. I am going to trust that he is doing the same and until I find out I am just dreaming--this is real.

I Feel Nothing

My heart is so heavy yet so empty. I keep telling myself I am going to do better, but each time I fall hard and get dropped harder. I don't see how it's so easy. How is it easy to not even consider a person you once claimed to love? When did it become the it thing to punish a person who shows they genuinely care for you? I have a lot of friends who treat people--including me--like shit. I always pitied them for it. It's like they are incapable of love. Now, I am realizing they were probably dropped one too many times. I said last time was the last time. I know one thing for certain, I am done with love. I am done loving people who don't give a damn about me.

Preexisting Conditions

Do I tell him I've been hurt before. Can I tell him I've been damaged?
Will he end up getting trust from me like so many before him managed?
I know he's a black man, but will he be an Indian giver?
Snatch the rug from up under my feet--make me cry him a river?
I tried to soften up for him, showed him my vulnerable side.
Said a lot of hurtful things, packed away a lot of pride.
 All he can see is the negative and he will never understand what it took.
To move on so blindly and a start a new chapter in this book.
He will never know how strong I had to be to give us a chance.
He will never know how weak I turned once he had me in his hands.
And for some naive reason I had the notion he'd protect me.
Never saw it coming that he would disrespect, reject and neglect me.
Is it fair that I've been dropped for having these preexisting conditions?
Hated, thrown away like I'm nothing and a lot of things I can't mention?
Trust issues, inferiority complexes and a host of imperfections?
No more insurance, no reassurances, vetoed out, no re-elections?
If I would have known I wouldn't have disclosed my secrets--it was all for nothing.
If I would have known I wouldn't have shown love--I thought we had something.
I never had anyone love me. I never though I would. Apparently I was right.
I need to give in to this something but all I can do is fight.
 Once again, someone pretended to have me with the cruelest of intentions.
Turned his back on me when I was at my lowest and in the greatest need of his attention.
All I could do is reason with him and try to beg-to-be our relationships retention.
He said he was in love but one can't just speak love into existence.
He asked for the key to his heart back then said, "I love you." with no conviction.
I've finally learned in this life no one winks over preexisting conditions.

 Perfect timing.Imperfect love. Imperfect me.

 -For Jarhead

Stand by Me

I never knew what love felt like, 'til He took my hand. Knowing a love like this couldn't come from a natural man. And I make so many mistakes, but He never holds them against me... throws them in my face and pretends to befriend me. Everything we are was pure from the start. Can't even imagine a day when we would part. When I'm absent He's in my heart, when I veer He pushes me on track. I never have to wonder who is going to have my back. I doubt him at every turn yet He's still there to prove. What I can't see from my limited view. And even though I can see him I know what's other never will. What they can't understand is what I know is real. I'm can't tell you what's up or down, but I know to look to Him. And matters that seemed impossible, problems that showed dim... back against the way, are places I was never meant to be. Ways are made of no way and he always stands by me

Faith, Belief, Confidence, Trust, Hope

I'm here and I never though I would be. Life is defined by trials, tribulations and tests. I am trying to walk with a stride that shows my confidence in Dr. Kinley and what He has in store. I have a way of saying a lot by saying nothing. Speaking in code by speaking plainly. This is serious business. I know Kinley is testing me. I know I will fail; I always do, but I am trusting that he will pick up the pieces. That he has something prepared for me. The mistakes I've made leave me baffled. It surprises me that I have made it this far in life without in true disasters. He has truly protected me. I am in a relationship right now that I truly respect. We have a lot of conflicting opinions on what the world is. I call myself religious. He doesn't know what he believes in. I wouldn't call him an Atheist though. Almost everything I believe comes from what Dr. Kinley has shown me. How can I share love with a person who mocks, jokes and has complete disbelief in everything my life is about? I am truly in love with this man but how can he truly love me back if he doesn't know what love is? If he doesn't know who Kinley is? If he doesn't even know who Jesus is supposed to be? I know praying doesn't change anything, but I keep praying to Him. I keep asking for physical stuff and I know it's not right. I am so conflicted. I keep asking Kinley to make everything okay. I keep asking him to give me another chance. I went through the ringer when Michael and I stopped talking back in July. I thought it was the end of my life. I truly thought I would never love another man again, but I was wrong--so wrong. I am starting to realize, certain people are for certain things. At the time I felt like Yahweh hated me. I am ashamed to say it, but even now, while I am happy, I still question if he loves me. It's like I am so nervous to have the rug ripped from underneath me. It's a really negative way to think but I am so consumed with what could go wrong that I can't even enjoy my relationship. I've taken to this blog many times. Crying about what I can't changed. Rejoicing about something or someone new. But, I've never been here.

Tears for the Past, Prayers for the Future

We seldom thank Yahweh for the things He never brought to pass. When we are in a bind we send prayers up--if we aren't too scared to talk to Him. When things are good, we don't mind giving thanks. We beg for things we don't need and turn our noses up at things we don't want. At every turn we are contempt with being content. Almost never do we take the time to reflect on what could have been. We never think about why things are the way they are. We are unappreciative and ungrateful. We refuse to consider not only why but by what means. The means are His grace. Relationships always plagued me. For the first time in years, I am in one I cherish. We argue and have issues, but thinking about him makes me happy. He cares about my life. He shows interest in a what I do. Things aren't perfect but it's a pleasure to be a contestant. Only one other relationship held this seriousness and that turned out to be a joke. And although I am in the midst of good times, I can't help but think about the past. Today, I thought about Big Time. He's in prison. I also thought about ALIas. He's in prison too. I went down the line, one by one and I am so glad Yahweh didn't allow them to happen. I think about Charge it to the Game. I think about Tee, Esco Bar and even Dynamite and they just weren't meant to be. Or maybe it's more of, I wasn't meant to be. I was too young. I didn't know myself. If they would have happened then, I would have been so unhappy now. And if I would have had them then and been unhappy now I would be unhappy FOREVER. Instead, I have Jarhead. Right now I'm pouring liquor out. Rest in Peace to my past. I don't know what Yahweh has planned for the future but I won't question it. I can tell from the past that it will be okay. But, I don't really need prayers because I have faith. But I shall pray and praise him anyway <3

It Be Like That...

Relationships are hard. I try. I fail. I love. I am tricked. Same story different face. Hurt is normal. They say good sentences are under twenty five words, but what if my feelings runs on? I think men take me as a joke and I think I make it easy on them. I'd like to say I don't care, but I do. I'd like to say I am like the rest of my friends, but I am not. Maybe it's a flaw in me. Maybe my flaws are why they don't stay. I know I am not perfect, but what makes it easy to hate a person? What makes it so easy to never consider what another person feels? I use to think it was some men, but this last man just proved it's all men. I am not the relationship type. I can't handle when it's over. Money taught me something important; longevity does not equal loyalty. And Teufelshunde taught me something most important; love amongst man does not exist. Two invaluable lessons. I met Money when I was 12. I met Teufelshunde this year. Same result. And it hurts no less. I had a conversation with Darling a month ago about relationships. We had been flirting with the idea of being in one until Teufelshunde came along. He said monogamy doesn't scare him, but relationships do. "...I dont need to go other places. I have spent a lot of time with [one person]. It's the relying on just one person for all other needs. And when that person is unavailable you are stuck." I didn't get what he meant then, but I get it now. We need to take people for who they are. The thing about relationships is you never know if a person was serious until it's over. You never know if it were game until time expires. He never loved me. He was never in love with me. I always knew this deep down. He was always looking for a way out while I was looking for a way in. In the end, there was nothing I could say to change his mind about how he felt for me, so I had to let him go. Why make him suffer if it's that hard to care about me? It's not worth it. Most days I disappoint myself. After I love, I say, "I told you so." I keep thinking this time is going to be different. It is what it is. It be like that in the hood sometimes, G. Men can't accept love. And women are blind a naive. I thought it was different. I think I need another break to figure out what's for me. But do I have two more years. Cheers to 24 months of solace.

Talk to Me

"I want to talk to [Yah], but I'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long."

There is only one I need and he is the only who I can talk to, but I get discouraged. I think impossible feats. I've wonder if he hates me. I've wondered if we really knew each other. Now all those ponderings seem so silly.

He gives you what you need. And when you ask and listen he'll tell you what you need to hear.

My only regret is that I don't talk to him more. My only regret is that I don't pray more. I worry so much about things that don't matter--things that were never in to be out. I'll admit it. I admit it. I am so flawed. These aren't excuses because there could never be a worthy excuse. These are just facts. In the end--as if there was one--He knows how I feel about him. Even when I doubt, my doubts aren't real.

The only thing that's ever been real is Yahweh. Call him what you want but I'll call him Dad. I know there is no greater love and I'm grateful to be a recipient. I'm making a lot of mistakes and I hope they lead me to better things because only He has the power to do that and I know its possible. I want to hear His voice.

The Thing About Yahweh Is...

One can never be certain of what's in His plan and what He's going to do next. No matter what you think is right, if he deems it wrong, that is what it is. And when you do wrong, you're condemned. Not matter which way you slice it. Yahweh doesn't play games. He brought someone into my life a few weeks ago. This guy has become an over night celebrity. Like so many before him, I am uncertain. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I made the aware. I have loved in vain. Now, it seems like I have met a person who gets me and I feel like I have no love to give. It sucks. But time heals all. I hope my boyfriend is as amazing as I think he is. And I hope can live up to the woman he needs me to be. In the end, it's all up to Yahweh and it'a all about Yahweh. I just hope I'm in His plan.

Decisions

I have an interview for a position in my field this coming Friday. I met someone special last Friday. The weekend was good to me. Our first date was Friday. We met for ice-cream. Our second date was Saturday. We had dinner then hit a movie--which we both slept through. Sunday, I had him meet me for a walk which turned into a hike. Afterwards we did dinner. I swear this feels like something real. Well, as soon as I was getting comfortable with the idea of staying in Columbus for another year and possibly moving on with a great guy, I get the call for an interview with a company which is 200 miles away. I really hope I get the job. And I really hope I get him too. I guess time will tell.

Updates, New Dates

Charge-It-To-The-Game! He's married. He got married a year ago. She's beautiful. They have a son. They may have a daughter too, but that has yet to be confirmed. She looks happy. He looks good. And that is all there is to it. Moving on can seem like such a trifle. You put it on the back burner, forget about feelings and convince yourself that it will be easy to keep it pushing. That couldn't be any farther from the truth. Moving on is hard. Feelings of love do not die. So, how can one move on, call what they had true, but still find a way to get rid of those feelings long enough to find happiness with someone else? I've been harboring feelings for the man for decades and I don't want to waste anymore love on someone who never considered me. I think a behavior started when with him. I learned to love people who don't love me. I learned to go on red. I learned to ignore the basic concepts I was taught a child. From Charge It spawned 50-50, Candle Light, Esco, IDMR aka Dynomite and countless others. I've thrown my feelings toward men who consistently duck them. I'd be a fool to claim I'm not at fault. I'm not sad about it, anymore. I just need a resolve. I have a date tonight--kind of a blind date. My mom asked me last night if I was seeing anyone. She's never asked me that. My dad asked me the same question a couple months ago. He never asks me anything, ever! It's crazy, but for the first time in a long time I am content and comfortable being alone. With Mike, I really thought we had special--not sure if I had a blog code name for him, but oh well. Oh yeah, the Good Angel--but it wasn't special at all. Well, it was special for me, but apparently it was a game for him. I was broken up about it for a while, but now, I don't think I will ever feel that way about anyone again. Maybe if I one day have a child. But I honestly don't think I have the mental capacity to love on that level anymore. I never thought I had it in me to begin with. I kind of surprised myself. I was proud, until it was over. Even now, I can't say I regret it, but I regret that it ended. Anyhow, my parents are itching for me to be in something. I am 29, unwed and childless. That sounds pathetic on paper, but I am quite happy. The drama and ups and downs of a relationship just aren't for me. I don't think I'm the marrying kind. Anyhow, I have this date tonight. I don't want to go in negatively, but I'm not too interested. I will be open minded and see where it takes me, but for the sake of getting my parents off of my back, I need to at least say I'm dating someone. For a while there was Darling. Well, I guess there still is Darling. But he is in Cleveland and I am here. And I am quite certain he is more serious about someone else. Not that I care. We have nice dates here and there. Well, I don't call them dates, but he does. He had to tour the sister Law Firm in Columbus, so he was here on business two weeks ago today and I got to show him a little bit of Columbus. We are always on a good note, but I don't see it going anywhere. We are in two different eras of our lives. Plus, I tend to get intimidated by successful men. I guess it's my own insecurities. I feel like I don't deserve them. I run a list of what a man is in my head and instead of considering the universe has finally thrown me a bone, I somehow convince myself that the universe has thrown me another dog. I gots' to get better!