Empty

We ended it and I am not going to lie. I didn't think it was really over. I thought we were bluffing. I thought he loved me. I thought it would all blow over. I was wrong. I fought for seven months. I fought to keep my relationship. I did everything I could think of. I even prayed. Prayer never came naturally for some reason. But I prayed. This relationship made me question and inevitably lose my faith in Yahweh. Now, I am lost and alone. I still pray to Him though. In my heart I know this is a test. I pray for the love of my life too. He will never understand what he means to me. And if I told him, it would fall on deaf ears. So, I will gain military silence. I will let him walk out of my life. I will sit, alone in my apartment and cry myself into insomnia. I will be miserable and unhappy on the inside, but smile on the outside. I will try to live. Right now, I haven't moved off of the couch since he texted me. I can't move. He's coming to get the rest of his things tonight. After that, I will probably go the rest of my life never seeing him. It's crazy. This is the last day I will ever see the love of my life. I can't even wrap my mind around it. I want to die. My thirtieth birthday is a week from today and I don't want to face it. We had so many plans. I've alienated my friends and family, so I will literally be alone. I truly hate myself and I can not understand why life is so ugly. Regardless of the location of my faith, I know there is an Elohim and I know he has to love me...I just can't believe there isn't an opposite to this feeling. There has to be someone who loves me. It has to be Elohim and it's that simple. Today I was unceremoniously thrown away via text message and I am not well. I can't even pretend. My next goal--and this is an expeditious one--is to find a reason and will to live. My heart is dead. I feel so lost. I feel so empty. I can't believe I made it 30 years and I don't have a soul to talk to other than this blog. My best friend never loved me. My best friend isn't my friend at all. I am in love with something that never existed. I will never love again.