Faith, Belief, Confidence, Trust, Hope

I'm here and I never though I would be. Life is defined by trials, tribulations and tests. I am trying to walk with a stride that shows my confidence in Dr. Kinley and what He has in store. I have a way of saying a lot by saying nothing. Speaking in code by speaking plainly. This is serious business. I know Kinley is testing me. I know I will fail; I always do, but I am trusting that he will pick up the pieces. That he has something prepared for me. The mistakes I've made leave me baffled. It surprises me that I have made it this far in life without in true disasters. He has truly protected me. I am in a relationship right now that I truly respect. We have a lot of conflicting opinions on what the world is. I call myself religious. He doesn't know what he believes in. I wouldn't call him an Atheist though. Almost everything I believe comes from what Dr. Kinley has shown me. How can I share love with a person who mocks, jokes and has complete disbelief in everything my life is about? I am truly in love with this man but how can he truly love me back if he doesn't know what love is? If he doesn't know who Kinley is? If he doesn't even know who Jesus is supposed to be? I know praying doesn't change anything, but I keep praying to Him. I keep asking for physical stuff and I know it's not right. I am so conflicted. I keep asking Kinley to make everything okay. I keep asking him to give me another chance. I went through the ringer when Michael and I stopped talking back in July. I thought it was the end of my life. I truly thought I would never love another man again, but I was wrong--so wrong. I am starting to realize, certain people are for certain things. At the time I felt like Yahweh hated me. I am ashamed to say it, but even now, while I am happy, I still question if he loves me. It's like I am so nervous to have the rug ripped from underneath me. It's a really negative way to think but I am so consumed with what could go wrong that I can't even enjoy my relationship. I've taken to this blog many times. Crying about what I can't changed. Rejoicing about something or someone new. But, I've never been here.