It Be Like That...

Relationships are hard. I try. I fail. I love. I am tricked. Same story different face. Hurt is normal. They say good sentences are under twenty five words, but what if my feelings runs on? I think men take me as a joke and I think I make it easy on them. I'd like to say I don't care, but I do. I'd like to say I am like the rest of my friends, but I am not. Maybe it's a flaw in me. Maybe my flaws are why they don't stay. I know I am not perfect, but what makes it easy to hate a person? What makes it so easy to never consider what another person feels? I use to think it was some men, but this last man just proved it's all men. I am not the relationship type. I can't handle when it's over. Money taught me something important; longevity does not equal loyalty. And Teufelshunde taught me something most important; love amongst man does not exist. Two invaluable lessons. I met Money when I was 12. I met Teufelshunde this year. Same result. And it hurts no less. I had a conversation with Darling a month ago about relationships. We had been flirting with the idea of being in one until Teufelshunde came along. He said monogamy doesn't scare him, but relationships do. "...I dont need to go other places. I have spent a lot of time with [one person]. It's the relying on just one person for all other needs. And when that person is unavailable you are stuck." I didn't get what he meant then, but I get it now. We need to take people for who they are. The thing about relationships is you never know if a person was serious until it's over. You never know if it were game until time expires. He never loved me. He was never in love with me. I always knew this deep down. He was always looking for a way out while I was looking for a way in. In the end, there was nothing I could say to change his mind about how he felt for me, so I had to let him go. Why make him suffer if it's that hard to care about me? It's not worth it. Most days I disappoint myself. After I love, I say, "I told you so." I keep thinking this time is going to be different. It is what it is. It be like that in the hood sometimes, G. Men can't accept love. And women are blind a naive. I thought it was different. I think I need another break to figure out what's for me. But do I have two more years. Cheers to 24 months of solace.