Vent Session

Just when I thought things were going perfectly, they're all falling apart. How is it that someone can willingly give me lip service with no plans to back any of it up? At first I thought this was the beginning of something special. Now, I feel like this was the beginning of the end. It's like the same shit that was going on when we were 13 is the shit that's happening now. Have we not grown? Have I not learned my lesson? I'm only getting half of the story--at best. And I'm certain his version is laced with lies. Was there ever a time he wasn't deceitful with me? Why make unsolicited promises if you're not sincere? It makes no sense to me. Now it's raining. How did I get here? I can't believe in love. Every time I let go, my heart gets drug through the mud. I tired of it. But with him it's like one day he's telling me we are just friends and acting coy like nothing more is going on and the next day he is telling me to download Lotus Flower Bomb because it explains how he looks at me. Mixed fucking messages. I am sick of deciphering them. It's like he's a Taurus and claims it to the heart, but he still isn't upfront, bold, any of the above. I mean what I say and I say what I feel. If I am ready to walk out of his life, the only thing he is willing to do is let me. So I can't stay.

Hard

Good people are hard to come by in this cold world. Decency is a common as wealth. It's a struggle. I've been let down around every corner for so long that I find myself constantly on the defense. I never trust. I'm always suspicious. But in the end, how can I ask for trust if I'm not ready to give it out?

I am trying to develop a more positive and forgiving demeanor. There is no way I am going to build life long friendships or find a relationship worth having without making some major changes in my life, both internally and externally. Spiritual connections start with unity.

The thing is, good, genuine folk are hard to come by. And I'm concerned that I may have driven some away. I guess it's so hard because I'm so soft. The most sensitive people are usually the most guarded. Being hurt isn't a joke. Even when I've been in denial, those feelings crept out.

Maize & Blue, he was a pivotal moment in my life. Charge It To The Game, he sealed my destiny. I still dream about him. I'll probably never see him again. I allowed men who couldn't have cared less about me to dictact the direction of my life. I could have been anywhere I wanted to be right now.

They say forgive your enemies but don't forget their faces. Sometimes it is best to forgive and forget. What of love lost? It's a hard thing especially when you're searching for something that's not meant to ever be found.

Stuff

Limbo. Stunted. Writer-blocked.

For a long time my heart was very cold. It seemed like at every turn love was unrequited. So, in efforts to protect myself, I shot from the hip. It became a game of diss him before he disses me. Always on the defense. I spent too long a time with men who thought they were better than me. And now, I met someone who is truly too good for me, but he never viewed our relationship in that way. And of course I messed it up.

For the first time ever I realized how insecure I am when it comes to men. This makes me sad.

The thing is, we all want perfection. We all want to be happy. But what's the perfect opportunity worth if one  isn't ready to take advantage of it?

The first time we ever talked, he told me he loses interest in women fastly. How ironic it is that I'm the loss interest. I never thought I'd have feelings for him. Never even thought I'd be attracted. Now I am trying to find a way back into his good graces. Instead, I'll likely move on...

They say there is no worse feeling than loving someone who use to love you.

And Baby, It's You

Maybe we're too different, but I can't tell apart our souls.
And maybe you're too good for me, cause we can set apart our goals.
Or maybe I'm too hood for you, then again you don't even know...
Then ins and outs of me which could make you whole.
I'm not saying I'm your better half, not claiming the potential.
But seeing us together in my mind I can see the differential...
I can see a better woman, but I'll keep this to myself.
Can't tell my feelings in vain, don't wanna woo you for my health.
I don't know enough to be sure, but beautiful isn't in question.
And I don't know a way up from here, but I hope we are destined.
Just looking into your eyes has me trapped.
Wonder what would have happened if I would have turned back.
But I can't relive the past, I'm just bidding on a better future.
What do I have to do to have our two worlds sutured?
A fish and a bird can fall in love, but where shall they live?
Inside my heart, because that's all I have to give.

"I'm giving all my love away and there's only one reason that I would."-Jesse Powell

Once You Learn, You Don't Have To Be Taught

I'm happy. No matter the downs that come and go, I've found solace. There are a lot of things I learned early on in life that have made me hard and sometimes cold, but I appreciate the truth.

The lack of friends over the years has made me independent. And knowing how fickle women can be, well that's led me to walk with my guard up. One never knows when he/she might have to swing.

More than anything my paranoia has given me fair judgement to sift out the really genuine people who are truly good at heart. Standing firm on the judgement, I've been blessed to find and keep a few of those great ones.

With that being said, I'm ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. Yahweh has taught me and He has kept me. I've listened and I've learned. I've learned to wait. Waiting on Him is the best thing that I've ever  been taught. And this is the beginning of the end of my lessons...here on earth atleast. Sweet dreams!

A Key Without a Lock or a Lock Without a Key

What's worse? I never thought a lot about love, being in love or being alone. Well, I've thought about them,but not in the terms of how they play a role in my life. But now that I'm getting older, I am starting to wonder when will love come. Will I ever fall in love? Am I going to spend the rest of my life alone?

It's been nearly a decade since I was in a relationship I truly cared about. Of course there have been men I thought mattered, but once they cheated or let me down in some other inevitable way, it was over just as quickly as it began. The days of finding a man whom I care for for no reason at all, are they gone? I think that's where true love lies--a person who you love with no strings attached. Nothing in the world can deter the feelings you have for that person. What they do or don't have doesn't matter. Now a days it's all about education, career path, home ownership, cars and money. I can't move like that. Of course those things play a part and I'd be a liar not to admit it, but what about character? When I look at a man I want to know about his family life. What are his parents like and what kind of relationship does he have with them...siblings? How religious is he? What kind of father would he be and more importantly what kind of women does he go after?

I know I'm a good woman, but sometimes I think maybe I am too damaged. Have I been through too much? If this was the mob, they'd off me because I know too much. Should I accept this? No more dating the men I like. No more careless loving? Guys claim not to want a gold digger, but they set us up to be that way. When we love freely, we end up trapped and mistreated. Where's the middle ground?

I have a lot of questions. What's worse, a key without a lock or a lock without a key? I guess a lock can always be picked, but who wants their love to be stolen? And a key can always be worn or carried, but then the use it or lose it theme comes into play. Who are you? Queen Latifah? Welp, I can't make or force a man into anything. It's not the way I move. I wish it were. I really do. Men like to be chased these days. But I like to be loved.

Life is Short

I got the DVD of Chris' funeral in the mail today and had the guts to watch it. I'm kind of in a weird space right now. I'm starting to realize, one can't understand death until one understands life.

There are a lot of thing that get focus they shouldn't and we don't seem to ever put enough stock into those people and things that matter the most. Why is that?

I am trying not to be resistent to happiness...but somethings just aren't meant to be. The life that I always wanted...the life I knew I'd have, I guess it isn't in the stars. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting it. C'est la vie.

The Fact Remains

The things that are best for us usually don't go down easily & aren't sweet to the tongue. It takes effort. It takes patience. And it takes faith. As I enter this next chapter of my life, I know that I can't force anything. No thing that was meant to be has ever gone undone.

All I can continue to do is love. My family, friends and acquaintances deserve my best. I deserve the best of myself.

I'm on a journey to cleanse and improve my inner & outer beauty. I started Weight Watchers two weeks ago. So far I've lost 6 lbs of the 35 I intend to shed. I realize that my body will never be what it was when I was 18,  but I miss the confidence when looking in the mirror.

I have an appointment with a dermatologist in two weeks. I hope to get my skin back in order as well.

No one is going to love what I can't love about myself. I will not be one of those self conscious women who spend the majority of their time complaining and being unhappy. I choose to live.

I'm not sure what's going to happen. I hope to move into my career by June--something in my field that makes me happy or atleast contributes to my level of experience. I also can't wait for the privacy of single living, either. I have a lot a plans and I just want to change for the better...because I know the after taste will be rewarding.

Love Over Everything

I met someone special. Let me start over. Chris died and I'm still sick about it. He and I started as FB friends and he became so much more. He was a great man and in the grand scheme of things, a lifelong friend.

Late nights like this I would have found myself chatting with him on Facebook. Instead...so one night shortly after he died, I laid in bed crying. I took to Facebook and started a chat with, well, I don't know what his code name should be. Let's call him Tongue-in-Cheek. Great conversation. Although be it random, I want nothing about our friendship to stay random.

Anyhow, we met at Josh' bday party and he is sexy, successful and smart. The kind of smart that makes me swoon. He is so attractive and laid back. I know nothing about this man, but I want to know everything. I only hope he feels the same way.

Who knows what, if anything, will come of he & I. Friends at the least. Love either way. In love? I hope! I keep finding myself looking for excuses to text him. But I'm going to fall back until the weekend.

He is amazing. And I just want to listen to him talk. Is that too much to ask? Too soon to be feeling this way? If so, I don't care. He is worth the possible humiliation. He's just fabulous. More later <3

A Beautiful Mind

Every now and again, people come into my life who make me question everything I am. Their downs make my ups look so low. It's not that they put me down, but they always seem to lift me up and make me want to be a better person. It doesn't hurt when they are just as beautiful on the outside as they are on the inside. But it does hurt when they are taken away. That is Chris.

Mourning can be a very ugly and because we are spiritual beings having a natural experience, at times we lose sight of the big picture; the only death we need to fear is a spiritual death. I am grateful that Chris was brought into my life and for whatever the reason, I trust why Yahweh has taken him. He had such a beautiful mind and I am really going to miss his point-of-view being part of my daily routine. He was an open book on FB & Twitter and although this chapter has ended I look forward to reading what's next.

P.S. Insomnia was so much sweeter knowing I had someone on the west coast to clown with 'til the wee hours. Rest In Peace Chris Mccoy June 25, 1985-Feb. 21, 2012

Sleepless in Columbus

This app may be the best thing that ever happened to me. Insomnia induced nights are becoming more frequent. I think Yahweh is trying to tell me something. I never want to be emtionless, but it's a cold world.

Sometimes I'm sad for no reason. I don't even want to be with anybody. Anti social and analytical. Who knew I'd take this turn? Welp, atleast the panic attacks aren't back. I think I need a break.

Lying, Thinking Last Night How to Find My Soul a Home

I feel so alone.

Past-Present

Just lying here in my old bedroom. My how I've grown, but things haven't changed. I've always felt trapped. I'm done feeling this way. I think about this so-called new year approaching and I want to make goals. I can't be in this same place when 2013 is approaching.

I just want to be able to breath. I want my own little place on this earth. Somewhere that's not tainted. I want friends who are secure. I just want to be happy, by myself.

Single isn't so bad. People want love, they just don't want it with me. That's something I've accepted. I just want a consistent positivety.

Serial Insomniac

It's crazy, for the last two years I've had insomnia like crazy. Last night, for the first time in a long time, I slept like a baby. I guess my mind is clear and although that moment of clarity was forced on me, I appreciate it. I've finally got the drive to move on. I forgot what it feels like to be love, to be like even.

I've been emotionally painting myself in corner for years. I go after men who are interested and then when the forseen manifests I blame them and oddly enough I blame myself. Instead of seeing everyone is not for everybody, I've been destined to change the stars. In the end I now see, I have to fuck with whoever fucks with me. You can't force interest on money or people. It takes times and more importantly one has to already have a substancial amount of stock to already invest.

No one wants to be with an insecure, inconfident person. Men love women who have already found themselves.

I am done loving people--male and female--who don't love me. In an effort to be kind, I also welcome advances from people I could never have interest in. I'm done with that too. Friends are friends. Lovers are lovers. There is no gray area for me. I've never had a man "grow on me." And I suspect it won't start happening now. I'm either going to have to wait, patiently, or settle.

I'm not blaming anyone and I know Yahweh has it all set up. The last time I remember being happy in love--I wasn't happy in love, I was happy to be in it--was during the 5th Ave/Polaris era. I'm going to get back to that, maybe tonight. It's been six long years since I've loved someone freely with no inhibitions. With them, it didn't matter what they had or where they came from.

I'm just ready to get this last day over with and let the 5 day weekend come on. We usually get off and hour early the day before hxoliday time, so I'll be out by three if I can get myself out of bed and into the office.

I want to always be proud of the woman I've become. I've made a lot of mistakes in my 28 years, but gratefully I have done anything that I can't bounce back from. I forgive on every turn and I've been taken back by some people who are so undeserving of the treatment I've given them.

My heart isn't heavy and I'm finally sleeping. This time around I played no games and it didn't work out, so I'm leaving my problems at the alter. No one else will do me like Yahweh does me and he's given me rest.

May 1, 2012

I don't know what it is about writing this last poem that has me plagued. I've been trying to write it for weeks. It's pretty sad. I want to get all of these feelings out on paper before my next trip to Cleveland. The reality is, I am ready to move on. Just today it hit me, I am focusing on the wrong man. If Yahweh isn't the be all and end all, then he can't be the all in all. I thought I'd made up with Darnell last time I was home, but it turns out, he is still being a jerk. But I am happy about it. It reminded me of how much I was feeling him in the late summer/early fall. The way I have been obsessing about Dynamite is the same way I was obsessing about him. In the end, I will get over this Dynamite thing. The only reason it's taking so long is because there are no other prospects and I put him on a pedestal taller than he.

In the end, it would have been beautiful, but would have is not good enough. I need someone who understands I am just as special as he is. I want to be 50/50 which really means 100. I'm not asking for too much. And, I don't deserve to be treated like trash. I know, the affirmations are killing this post, but it is what it is. I love who loves me and I dismiss who hates me, in theory.

Life is hard and death is easy and I'd have it no other way. I am so appreciative for what I have and I try to remind myself of how lucky I am. I have had the pleasure of knowing my parents my entire life. I have two strong, beautiful older sister who provide a perfect example of what a young lady should be. My nephew represents all the pure truths that I try to ignore. My relationship with Derrick, my best friend, has proved to be both challenging. Every one is everything I need. A man could only be the icing at best.

I am sure that down the line space will be made for a more permanent place for men in my life, but not right now. Games are the thing of the 20s and I'll ride it out gladly. I think 2013 has something in store for me & CMB anyhow. Out with the old, in with the new. 29, bring it on!

Poem Cry

Good dude, you know I love you but all you say is prove
It, on some b shit, but I never quit and I'm feeling this is the end of this
You say go up and I do, then you say I'm not down?
I'd rather you tell me to leave. Be real you don't want me around

Tell me who I have to be to get some, I'm not Lauryn, so I won't say it
And I ain't your dad so I can't play it.
And I ain't the other girl so I can't sing it.
All I can do is write it and hope you read it how I mean it.

Sometimes I sit and wonder from where the hate comes
You say you ain't thinking like me, so what are you thinking of
I see ur other girls and I'm thinking maybe I ain't light enough
And it kills me to know all I have for you is unrequited love

I swore we were better than that, but you aren't even my friend
And when I take a step back you say I'm acting like a man
You want something sweet but you pitch mud at me
I don't know if ur just bitter or if I just make you that unhappy
Cause if you don't have feelings, like you claim not to have
Why we always got conflicts and awkward laughs
You treat me like you don't know me when we're in the most public of places
But when we're alone you hit me with the most intimate of embraces
I won't cross that line without certainty, but when I say commit you say you ain't ready
Then the next week you have someone else with whom you're steady
So what's really going on

I got you on this pedastal. I got you as a dream
Not even my type, but I wrote you in the scene
I smile while its killing me and I stop by for a glance
I keep waiting on my moment, I kept waiting on my chance
Sent text message as a lullably, cards on Valentine
Still I've never been given due consideration that should've been mine
You give so freely to opposites and nothing to the one who relates
Never asked for a relationship just wanted to date
Been had me writing poems never even thought about a ring
Shit I barely even rap, but you make me want to sing
I just wanted to be close to you. I just wanted to be by your side
I didn't need strings attached, I just wanted to ride
I wanted you to care enough to set aside pride
I wanted to be there to brave your lows and around to salute your highs
I wanted to be with you from eternity through the end time
I wanted all of this knowing you'd never be mine
So, why should I keep trying when you never gave me a fair try?
I can't see 'em coming down my eyes, so I gotta make the poem cry. -For Dynamite

I Can't Cry for You; Melt My Heart to Stone

"And I hear your words that I made up. You say my name, like there could be an us. I best tidy up my head, I'm the only one in love. I'm the only one in love." -Adele

I could lie, but I won't because this is supposed to be our truth.
Nothing on this earth will be right if I don't have you.
I could say I'd stand still, but the reality is I'd keep moving...
All the while I'd be pretending I'm not wondering what you're doing.
I want to be there for you and give you what you deserve.
I want to be so in love with you that I'd go to the ends of the earth.
And you tell me you think the world of me, but you put everyone in the world before me.
And you act like I'm the bad guy to warming up to other men who show they adore me.
Then you tell me you don't want to be in a relationship and I turn around and you're seeing someone else.
It's like you do just enough to keep me on the shelf.
You don't even speak to me in public, so what do you want me to be?
 Because even at your best, you're not treating me friendly.
It's like I'm at the bottom of the barrel and I don't know what I've done...
To go from "you'll always be in my life" to "you'll never be the one."
It's like I never mattered. It's like I was never there.
And I can't even cry for you. It's like you never cared.

"I hear your words you made up. I say your name, like there should be an us. I best tidy my head. I'm the only one in love. I'm the only one in love." -Adele

-For Dynomite

Dynomite

I don't know how I feel anymore. I thought I was in love, but not so much anymore. Maybe it was infatuation. Maybe it was lust. Maybe it was convenience. I refuse to believe that love would treat me so coldly. It's even sadder when you think you really know the person who is causing all your pain. I think I have a problem with putting certain people in my life on a pedestal. It's like I expect hurt from some people, while other I hold in this light of perfection. I guess I'm just setting everyone up for failure.

At the end of the day, it is what it is. I can't make someone love me if they don't. There are no words (spoken or unspoken) that will change how one feels for me. Although, I think that it's common courtesy to hear a person out. I've always let people say their piece, whether I thought they deserved it or not. I've always been fair. I can not understand why I am not treated with the same regard. Why do people think they are better than me?

Because I refuse to let the words of my heart fall on empty ears, I'll say it here where it really matters.

A long time ago, I met a boy. He started as a friend until one day I realized how fabulous he is. He never showed interest in me, so I decided I'd go at his pace. He kept girlfriend....girlfriends that I'd of thought were beneath him. Then one day, I took a love and for a long time, I stopped considering that boy. Once Maize & Blue was out of my life, I saw that this boy has become a man. And for some reason I caught him when he was single. Even when I wasn't trying, I'd run into him. I understand that running into a person you know isn't usually a big thing, but it's an astronomical thing when those two people live in different cities. I had run into him at Walgreens, CVS, Dillards, Beachwood Mall, Skully's, just the most random of places. We've never talked about, but I wonder, if he ever thinks about it...

To make a long story short, I felt like all of these encounters combined with feelings I've harbored for nearly two decades meant something. But I found out last Wednesday that they and I mean nothing at all. Sometimes people have egos and pride issues to compensate for something else. I only hope that one day he sees what he walked away from.

Batter Up!

The right guy at the wrong time, that's the charm of Lindsay. No matter what I do, the cookie always seems to crumble that way. I'm starting to get comfortable with the thought of being alone forever. That scares me. Being content with settling isn't healthy, but it is what it is.

Things aren't going to greatly with CMB. The normal progression of things are fine, he's looking for another job and a new apartment so that he can move on from his current, romantic situation. Surprising to me, he has been going out to the club and hanging out with the fellas as well. The biggest shocker is that after over two years, he started drinking again. All those things are saying he really wants to be with me, but I am nervous that this isn't going to work.

We see eye to eye on so many things, but still there is this divide. We don't have the same goals in life. I want to be in love, get married and have babies. He just wants to be in love. I guess I am looking for someone who WANTS to be a husband and father. He says that if we took that step, he would do anything to make the relationship work, but I don't think marriage and parenthood should be something that is compromised. You compromise Splenda for sugar, faucet water for Evian, but one should not decide that to make his/her partner happy, they will become something they'd never planned. I think that so many relationships are founded on that notion and true to form, so many relationships are ending.

Being madly in love and seeing yourself in another person's soul is no longer the making of marriages. It's now butter and bullshit. It's like, what can I do to slide through the cracks. What game can I spit to get this person to thinking we are on the same page.

I don't think CMB is insincere, I just think there's a divide we are both unwilling to address.

When I start with the serious talk, he shuts down. He makes it seem as if it's all one side. But then when I start referring to him as friend and homie, like I did about 6 weeks ago, he sends me a song called "Lotus Flower Bomb" and says it describes how he feels about me. Not, 6 weeks later, the song is a single and people are playing it out and I am starting to feel the same way about our ups and downs....it's played the fuck out. Either you want something or you don't. Everyone needs time to be alone, but somethings got to give. I can't keep up with the hot and cold. I guess if would be different if I were luke-warm, but that's far from the truth.

I feel this man. And I can't say he is the one, but I would love to be with him. I guess it's kind of like IDMR. Some people just never leave your heart. No matter how hard you try. I talk a lot of shit, but there are some people who will always be under my skin and all it takes is a glance from them for all the feelings to come rushing back.

So, right now I have these two fabulous men in my life. They both have a completely different endings to offer me. They both irritate me to my bones...but even in the thick of it, I think they're both incredible. With all that being said, neither one of them is stepping up to the plate.

Aimless Babbling, Free Verse, The Good Angel

He's with her and he isn't in love, so it's all a waste.

I can't even take the effort to wish to be in her place.

We talk everyday, but it's more like our souls are inter-coursing.

And I want to bad mouth her so much, but it's not worth forcing.

Because done is already destined. Leave well enough alone.

And really how much can be done over the phone?

Full promises with out the means.

No empty lies but selling dreams.

But if it's not going to come to be,

What's the difference in between.

I know he's on my right side, but what else is left

unsaid. And what makes him different from the rest?

He's says I'm going in the wrong direction, so I turn around

Now that I'm headed North, he wants me to be down?

I can't lose for winning, but I can win and still lose.

If I ain't getting the one I want, what's the point to choose.

Something that started over a decade ago, could it come to fruition.

I don't know, but that's mainly because it's not my decision.

I love him and I have no doubt he loves me.

But that makes no difference anymore because we are no longer 13.

They say that's unlucky, so what do I think of this.

I can presume that what we have will cease to exist.

I shoot from the hip, so I'm the bad guy. He is rehearsed, so he's politically correct.

But why is it that a well thought out lie gets more respect?

It's that spoon full of sugar, but I am about taking it straight.

I guess that's why so many men just can't relate.

But he is eye to eye with me in my mind and my soul.

And although we try to get away from each other, we just can't let go.

for: Cash MONEY Baller