At times I feel like I am literally in a hell of my own making. Sometimes I know people have ill intent before I even give them the chance to act it out, yet I walk right into the trap. I let people (men more times than not) wheel me in with their bait. This fact leads me to believe that maybe I like a little bit of drama and pain, better yet I love little! Who knows why I do and who knows if I will ever get hurt enough to learn my lesson, but when a time like this comes along- when I am just evaluating my past- I have no choice but to acknowledge it.
These games we play are going to get us into trouble. We all claim to be on some grown and sexy shit, but we all have subtle tricks we think will help us catch someone's eye; not calling too much... because the "heart grows fonder", openly flirting with someone of the opposite sex while the person we really want to be with is in eye's shot, finding something wrong with the other girl he is talking to- HATING on her so that maybe through that you will find away to lift yourself up? Man, isn't it so exhausting? All I know is, if we all had the guts to be real with ourselves and the other people in our lives (whether they be people of interest, girls we hang around once a blue, or even fam) the world would be a much better place. Instead we decide to play these games.
Well, I am sick of it... not calling when I want to because I don't want to be viewed as a bug-a-boo, seeing clothes in the mall when I am shopping and not buying them because "it's too soon in the friendship", not inviting him over when I've prepared a home cooked meal, not writing him poems or making him considerate things because I am not sure if he cares for me as much as I care for him. Why does this matter? Why can't we just give our love freely, why is this world so cold that we have to put limits and boundaries on how much we care for a person? I don't know why!
At this point I have allowed so much drama to seep into this situation that our spot is all blown up..."The Block Is HOT" because by playing these game I am feeding the fire! Will I let things slow down so that maybe the embers will be cool enough for us to walk side by side on- I don't know. Something has got to give.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Not The Time Not The Place
Just Believe Keep The Faith... Gotta Learn How To WAIT!
Okay, I promise- I am going to learn how to be patient.... one day soon, lol. Man, one of the things I can hear my father drilling into me daily is, "Slow down!" It was always "Murphy's Law" & "Slow Down".... classic lines out of his mouth. For once in my life I am going to wait...
I once told this dude I was feeling (who will remain nameless... my lil' squirrel;-) that his girlfriend was just a space holder for me. I knew that I wasn't ready for a relationship yet, so their relationship was fine with me; it was just preparing him to be a better man when it was "our time" to be together. Well, the fact is- she got pregnant soon after I-made-the-call. The fact is, I miscalculated the situation and I should have went after him right then and there. Now it's four years later & things are way to complicated to move up or down. Well, I said all of that to say this, sometimes- I AM WRONG. There are times when I make determinations that aren't best in the long run.
Recently, I jumped into something prematurely and I am realizing that it was something I should have sat back and ruminated on. Some things need time to grow... this is true of plants and of people. It's harder for me to read men now than it was "back in the day", but I will say there is one thing I wish I had seen in myself "back in the day" that I have now- BALLS. Yes, I am still shy in MANY ways, but to approach someone I was feeling? NEVER would have happened back in the nineties.
Sometimes things just work out. Consistently gets one noticed. The last person I was with was NOT the one I wanted to be with for real. Other than them being tall and athletic, they were EXACT opposites... but things just worked out for us. I am far from perfect I confess that to myself everyday in the shower; so, I can not expect someone to believe in me, or to see something in me that I don't see in myself. I am not going to try and be like the girls I see him chasing. I am not going to try to be something I am not. Even though I try to deny it, I am very superstitious... I believe in faith, I believe in magic and I believe in chance because I have seen dreams come true. So, I am going to wait!
Okay, I promise- I am going to learn how to be patient.... one day soon, lol. Man, one of the things I can hear my father drilling into me daily is, "Slow down!" It was always "Murphy's Law" & "Slow Down".... classic lines out of his mouth. For once in my life I am going to wait...
I once told this dude I was feeling (who will remain nameless... my lil' squirrel;-) that his girlfriend was just a space holder for me. I knew that I wasn't ready for a relationship yet, so their relationship was fine with me; it was just preparing him to be a better man when it was "our time" to be together. Well, the fact is- she got pregnant soon after I-made-the-call. The fact is, I miscalculated the situation and I should have went after him right then and there. Now it's four years later & things are way to complicated to move up or down. Well, I said all of that to say this, sometimes- I AM WRONG. There are times when I make determinations that aren't best in the long run.
Recently, I jumped into something prematurely and I am realizing that it was something I should have sat back and ruminated on. Some things need time to grow... this is true of plants and of people. It's harder for me to read men now than it was "back in the day", but I will say there is one thing I wish I had seen in myself "back in the day" that I have now- BALLS. Yes, I am still shy in MANY ways, but to approach someone I was feeling? NEVER would have happened back in the nineties.
Sometimes things just work out. Consistently gets one noticed. The last person I was with was NOT the one I wanted to be with for real. Other than them being tall and athletic, they were EXACT opposites... but things just worked out for us. I am far from perfect I confess that to myself everyday in the shower; so, I can not expect someone to believe in me, or to see something in me that I don't see in myself. I am not going to try and be like the girls I see him chasing. I am not going to try to be something I am not. Even though I try to deny it, I am very superstitious... I believe in faith, I believe in magic and I believe in chance because I have seen dreams come true. So, I am going to wait!
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Let Go...
& Let Yahweh!
Man, I know it's bad to hold grudges, so from here on out- I am going to attempt from doing the obvious. Though I HATE rejection with a passion, I've found in the past that people always end up wanting me regardless. Even when people claim they don't "want" me, later on down the line, they always need me before I need them. I am a very independent individual both mentally & spiritually, I damn near NEVER need anyone else, so I don't have to worry. Whether it be money, a ride, or my priceless advice- they always come running back. So, I am going to wait out the recession!
People never change, once a liar always a liar, once a cheater always a cheater, once an Iota... lol. Naw, but I am going to stop the spite- it's not healthy! If someone never acknowledges their wrong doing on their own- there is no point in one pointing out to them. Maybe one day they will be lucky enough to acknowledge and maybe even repent from their hateful, selfish, hurtful manners & ways... If not? their loss, not yours! Just let it go!
Man, I know it's bad to hold grudges, so from here on out- I am going to attempt from doing the obvious. Though I HATE rejection with a passion, I've found in the past that people always end up wanting me regardless. Even when people claim they don't "want" me, later on down the line, they always need me before I need them. I am a very independent individual both mentally & spiritually, I damn near NEVER need anyone else, so I don't have to worry. Whether it be money, a ride, or my priceless advice- they always come running back. So, I am going to wait out the recession!
People never change, once a liar always a liar, once a cheater always a cheater, once an Iota... lol. Naw, but I am going to stop the spite- it's not healthy! If someone never acknowledges their wrong doing on their own- there is no point in one pointing out to them. Maybe one day they will be lucky enough to acknowledge and maybe even repent from their hateful, selfish, hurtful manners & ways... If not? their loss, not yours! Just let it go!
Thursday, May 25, 2006
My Initials Are L.R.J. not C.A.B.
So why would a nigga who doesn't even fuck with me all like that have the nerve to keep asking me for a ride? I do favors at my own digression, and usually I will offer if I am willing. I reached my limit two days ago, I will never again be a woman that will let a man turn her on and off when they please. The reality is, I'm human- I have feelings, and I can not let myself down anymore. Therefore any nigga or any bitch who is not around to be my friend or more(for the men only!) I don't have ANY love for em'.
It is not hard to tell if you are my homie. You will never have to ask for a ride because I will offer before your lips form the words, you will never have to ask to borrow money- I will lend with the hopes of getting repaid but not the expectation, and a major sign is that you WILL NOT only call when you need something from me. You WILL NOT come by only to benefit. You will call to check on me, stop by to see how I'm doing.... these are the signs of a REAL homie. Trust me honey, my mama didn't raise a fool.
If it's something obviously needed... and you have to ask, do the math! You ain't my homie & I ain't doing you any favors! Maybe is you start coming real you can gain some cool pts back, but as of now it's really nothing lest to say, except
I LOVE CARLOS, lol, j/k.... or am I ;-)
It is not hard to tell if you are my homie. You will never have to ask for a ride because I will offer before your lips form the words, you will never have to ask to borrow money- I will lend with the hopes of getting repaid but not the expectation, and a major sign is that you WILL NOT only call when you need something from me. You WILL NOT come by only to benefit. You will call to check on me, stop by to see how I'm doing.... these are the signs of a REAL homie. Trust me honey, my mama didn't raise a fool.
If it's something obviously needed... and you have to ask, do the math! You ain't my homie & I ain't doing you any favors! Maybe is you start coming real you can gain some cool pts back, but as of now it's really nothing lest to say, except
I LOVE CARLOS, lol, j/k.... or am I ;-)
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Let's Just Say
I'm NOT what he's looking for in a significant other, & I'm not mad or upset... at least not anymore!
Yea, it is my hope that I will one day be a successful lawyer, so I have to stick to my guns when saying INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY, although from the start he was something like the character Will Truman who plays a lawyer on Will & Grace, lmao. It is what it is. I am always the female who believes every word a man tells me until the give me a reason not to, but I am starting the think that maybe I need to change my ways. Maybe I should listen to rumors when people tell me "He is a down low brother", maybe I should trust my instincts when he makes statements like "Can't I get some reciprocity" or even "I am waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet", maybe I shouldn't be so willing to trust when a man tells me "I am not going to be with someone who doesn't trust me" every time I ask him a mere question!
All I have to say is in 2006 it's hard for a strong, heterosexual, independent, Black WOMAN to find her counterpart in this American society. We have to worry about men cheating with other women, if not OTHER MEN, we have to worry about mixed ass messages, we have to worry about DEAD beat Dad's, guys who want us to support them, man the list goes on! Black females are damn near the only ones on this earth who have earned the RIGHT to utter about RECIPROCITY. I work hard to be who I am; from the way that I look to the way that I speak I am progressing daily! I think it's time for the BLACK WOMAN to get some credit.
As I sit back a digress, it is even more complicated. Don't get me wrong, there are good Black men out there, but half of them are taken or have baggage(children) are fifty lbs over weight, or just have something else weird and random going on. The females I roll with have the whole package! Not only are they beautiful, they are also educated, working on being financially stable, have cars, homes, religion- so what is it? I can't even go on what my friends have, but I personally have all the above. Not only do I turn boys into MEN, I know how to treat a man the way he wants and NEEDS to be treated.
I am just so sick of dealing with so called Black men and their neurosis. They aren't looking for happiness, they aren't looking for reciprocity, and they definitely aren't looking to be swept off their feet; at least not by a Black woman or any woman for that matter. I call a spade a spade! It's Columbus, Ohio (fag central) you're in college... If this isn't the time to come out the closet when is? And for those who aren't D.L., the metro sexual, & others- why not just be a man and say how you feel about me? I don't like hints, I like blunt ass messages. You keep getting the hoes & bitches who are going to do you wrong- because you deserve it! May all things bad happen to you... good day!
Yea, it is my hope that I will one day be a successful lawyer, so I have to stick to my guns when saying INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY, although from the start he was something like the character Will Truman who plays a lawyer on Will & Grace, lmao. It is what it is. I am always the female who believes every word a man tells me until the give me a reason not to, but I am starting the think that maybe I need to change my ways. Maybe I should listen to rumors when people tell me "He is a down low brother", maybe I should trust my instincts when he makes statements like "Can't I get some reciprocity" or even "I am waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet", maybe I shouldn't be so willing to trust when a man tells me "I am not going to be with someone who doesn't trust me" every time I ask him a mere question!
All I have to say is in 2006 it's hard for a strong, heterosexual, independent, Black WOMAN to find her counterpart in this American society. We have to worry about men cheating with other women, if not OTHER MEN, we have to worry about mixed ass messages, we have to worry about DEAD beat Dad's, guys who want us to support them, man the list goes on! Black females are damn near the only ones on this earth who have earned the RIGHT to utter about RECIPROCITY. I work hard to be who I am; from the way that I look to the way that I speak I am progressing daily! I think it's time for the BLACK WOMAN to get some credit.
As I sit back a digress, it is even more complicated. Don't get me wrong, there are good Black men out there, but half of them are taken or have baggage(children) are fifty lbs over weight, or just have something else weird and random going on. The females I roll with have the whole package! Not only are they beautiful, they are also educated, working on being financially stable, have cars, homes, religion- so what is it? I can't even go on what my friends have, but I personally have all the above. Not only do I turn boys into MEN, I know how to treat a man the way he wants and NEEDS to be treated.
I am just so sick of dealing with so called Black men and their neurosis. They aren't looking for happiness, they aren't looking for reciprocity, and they definitely aren't looking to be swept off their feet; at least not by a Black woman or any woman for that matter. I call a spade a spade! It's Columbus, Ohio (fag central) you're in college... If this isn't the time to come out the closet when is? And for those who aren't D.L., the metro sexual, & others- why not just be a man and say how you feel about me? I don't like hints, I like blunt ass messages. You keep getting the hoes & bitches who are going to do you wrong- because you deserve it! May all things bad happen to you... good day!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Just A Lil' Poem Action From A Couple Weeks Ago
It's not that there aren't other men, other conquests, other spirits/ It's just that when it comes to the "others" I just ain't tryna hear it/ No, I don't need help finding a date (Eddie!) there plenty of dudes tryna be seen/ But I'm not tryna be with "plenty", "good" is where I wanna be(get it? good & plenty)/Mrs. Johnson ain't raise no fool, I know there are other bitches/ Their barks are real loud, but their bites ain't THIS vicious/ & I think it's just ridiculous, that he can't see what I know!/ Yea I may dibble and dabble(That's for T. Dials) with a few of your bruhs, but I don't love them hoes/ & to mention my competition, I don't worry- it's like Don King is in the Arena/ Fixed fight from the beginning, he thinks it's too good to be true but I'ma make him a believer/ But the ball is in his court I need to know what play is next/ Do you want me to run the ball to right or do it to the left?/ I will say I am willing to jump through some loops- but I will never say "How High?"/ I am not tryna be hoppin & boppin over niggas... I just want to be by your side/ & I can' understand why I feel so stongly this is like I repeat of last summer/ Like Mike, you're making me feel like I should not have ever given up my number/ Because now I am sucked in, trying to make it out alive/ I am putting way too much into something while this dude is pushing me aside/ I wish there was something I could do to open his mind, open his heart, open his eyes, make him see me clearly/ No gimmicks, all I really want to do is love him dearly/ We're so complementary, and even his flaws attract me/ What I got to do to get him to see what I have to offer instead of what I'm lacking?/ I wish he would let me lend a shoulder, a hand, an ear- relieve some of his pain/ Then maybe he would realize I am the one to mend his broken heart back again.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
If You Can't Be With The One You Love, Love The One You're With!
This parable is funny but true... unfortunately I could never follow it. I'm not a settler, if I can't HAVE what I want, I don't want a damn thing! It's all or nothing for me. This time around I'm 23, and what I thought could be more than a crush... is simply crushing me, so in turn I'm going to TRY and let it go for once. I am not going to obsess over it. I have learned to only take serious the men who take me seriously. If you're not man enough to be with, if you're not man enough to tell me you're NOT interested, then you're not man enough to even be my acquaintance. It is what it is!
So now I am focusing on ATL & I. I think that life is worth taking chances, and with him I am willing. By the time his season is up in Mexico and I graduate we may be able to make something real happen. Hopefully by this time next year I will know where I want to attend Law School and his career will have progressed to something that is more "stable". All we have is time! Neither of us have children, we both love our families & are religiously sound, and it feels delighting to say WE are BOTH mature enough to express our feelings with out it being game, playing games, sounding corny & with all good intent. This is what I have been looking for in a man for quite a while. Distance is our ONLY battle.
So, do I keep chasing this nigga who ain't tryna be caught or go for the attainable?
Friday, May 19, 2006
May Nineteenth
Shout Out To My Nigga Beans... Happy 22nd Sweetie! Love ya!
Let's get down to business, after talk to my consultant Mr Aric Caine, lol- I realized I need to get on my hussle. Major change once again; English! Why? Because sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Good news, I will be out this bitch in 2007 for sure! I am not longer going back to Cleveland, I am going to stick it out in the CO. After thinking long and hard, I translated it to buying clothes... what I was going to do it like putting a name brand coat on lay away, then when it's time to pay that last payment, I left it there past the 30 days & bought some shit from RAVE! Hell to the naw! I am getting my name brand degree from THE Ohio State University! & did I mention I am about to step up my LSAT game? Yes, after this bullshit undergrad is done with, Law School is calling!
Why I write in this blog has multiple reasons! Mainly to vent b/c the people I use to vent to, aren't available as much anymore (DERRICK!!!), secondly, to let people who really "CARE" about me know what's going on in my life, and thirdly- to end any static or questions that "other individuals" out there may have about me & about what they THINK about me. My boy Mykl was questioning why do I put my business on here, the truth is, I just don't give a fuck. I DO realize that their are some people reading this that I'm not even cool with, but so be it. I am not going to put anything on this blog that I don't want people to know, so I could care less! Read away.
I don't know what to do about my love life right now, I know I need "someone", I have an idea of a couple candidates, but at the same time I need a dude that's on some grown man type shit. One of the guys I like is super young, so I can't fault him for his immaturity, but ATL... is sweating me. It's something about smelling a persons desperation that's a turn off, & I am starting to realize that maybe this is why it didn't work out with Mr. Immature. So, as of now I am falling back! I am about to get on my grind- hopefully by this time next week I will have a second job, and in a month I will be starting back in school & my count down to GRADUATION in 2007.
My goal for this week is to be more considerate. I took me forever to get over "Maize & Blue" and even though he said he was over that girl in Cleveland, there has to be a reason for his assholish ways, lol.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
"There are some lines too dangerous to cross...
But there are others if you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side is spectacular."
I took this quote from my friend Jenelle's aim profile & it maid me think to myself, "I'm not a quitter." Lately I have been so consumed with other peoples opinions and notions, that I am stunting a friendship before it's even begun. I never use to care what my friends thought of guys I liked, now all of a sudden I am asking my girls what do you think of... what have you heard about... do you think he... It's just a mess!
Okay, I am hearing that he is sleeping or has slept with many different Jane's Does. I am hearing that he was a dog to his last girl. I am hearing that his has "different" sexual tendencies. I am hearing a whole heap of shit. The thing is, he should be innocent til' proven guilty. I took Street Law for two years, I want to be a lawyer some day, since when does HEARSAY stand up in court?
The funny thing is he & I are so much alike. We are both assholes. I am probably the only person who loves Kanye West's cockiness- I should know that I find adoration in traits that other girls consider unbecoming, so why am I asking their opinions?There's someone for everyone, he may be an acquired taste- but I like my men as I like my fashion; unattainable & highly unique.
I need to learn that just because he did her wrong, does not mean he is going to do me wrong. I need to learn just because other females say he slept with her/him, doesn't make it a fact- I know that first hand I have a reputation that I KNOW I haven't earned, so who is to say it isn't the same for him? I like a challenge. People think I am "setting myself up for failure"(Dante'), but that couldn't be farther from the truth. People who make those statements are the ones who are ignorant of what LINDSAY is capable of.
I am willing to roll the dice. I am willing to take a chance. I'm an "outside the box" sorta lady, & believe the grass is greener on the other side. It may take hell, but I AM going to find out. If I am wrong... I'll chalk it up to experience.
I took this quote from my friend Jenelle's aim profile & it maid me think to myself, "I'm not a quitter." Lately I have been so consumed with other peoples opinions and notions, that I am stunting a friendship before it's even begun. I never use to care what my friends thought of guys I liked, now all of a sudden I am asking my girls what do you think of... what have you heard about... do you think he... It's just a mess!
Okay, I am hearing that he is sleeping or has slept with many different Jane's Does. I am hearing that he was a dog to his last girl. I am hearing that his has "different" sexual tendencies. I am hearing a whole heap of shit. The thing is, he should be innocent til' proven guilty. I took Street Law for two years, I want to be a lawyer some day, since when does HEARSAY stand up in court?
The funny thing is he & I are so much alike. We are both assholes. I am probably the only person who loves Kanye West's cockiness- I should know that I find adoration in traits that other girls consider unbecoming, so why am I asking their opinions?There's someone for everyone, he may be an acquired taste- but I like my men as I like my fashion; unattainable & highly unique.
I need to learn that just because he did her wrong, does not mean he is going to do me wrong. I need to learn just because other females say he slept with her/him, doesn't make it a fact- I know that first hand I have a reputation that I KNOW I haven't earned, so who is to say it isn't the same for him? I like a challenge. People think I am "setting myself up for failure"(Dante'), but that couldn't be farther from the truth. People who make those statements are the ones who are ignorant of what LINDSAY is capable of.
I am willing to roll the dice. I am willing to take a chance. I'm an "outside the box" sorta lady, & believe the grass is greener on the other side. It may take hell, but I AM going to find out. If I am wrong... I'll chalk it up to experience.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Be Happy About The Future Instead Of Angry About The Past
I woke up this morning with a new positive outlook on life. I am not longer going to shade people because they shade me. If someone needs a ride, money, even a shoulder to lean on, I am going to offer without the thought of reciprocation! I know I contradict myself a lot, but no matter what I was born a forgiving person, it's in my blood and I can't change that. I am realizing people CAN'T love me a certain way because they don't have the ability. I have come a long way concerning other people's emotions & respecting that others have to do things in their own time. No one is the same. I am just happy that I am a person that can ALWAYS be counted on, never second guessed- I have always been the same Lindsay in & out since 1983.
I am an individual that wears my heart on my sleeve, but that's JUST me. It's hitting me that it takes A LOT out of a person to ask for a favor. I know this first hand because I have gone without MUCH needed things because I had too much pride to ask for help. I respect a person that is willing to ask in order to advance where they need to be.
Is it possible to really like someone of the opposite sex and give them no play?... never call?... never return texts?... For the last few weeks I have been mad @ this dude because he isn't giving me any act right, but in so many ways I am a hypocrit. I NEVER call ATL. I return Polaris' text waaaaay after the fact. But only a fool would believe that I don't care about them. So, I am going to try and learn patience. I am going to slow things down in my life & realize that good things happen in due time including love, success, and spirituality. I'm too wrapped up in my feelings to be concerned with how he feels about me. Like Erin's wall says, "What someone else thinks about you is none of your business!"
I am an individual that wears my heart on my sleeve, but that's JUST me. It's hitting me that it takes A LOT out of a person to ask for a favor. I know this first hand because I have gone without MUCH needed things because I had too much pride to ask for help. I respect a person that is willing to ask in order to advance where they need to be.
Is it possible to really like someone of the opposite sex and give them no play?... never call?... never return texts?... For the last few weeks I have been mad @ this dude because he isn't giving me any act right, but in so many ways I am a hypocrit. I NEVER call ATL. I return Polaris' text waaaaay after the fact. But only a fool would believe that I don't care about them. So, I am going to try and learn patience. I am going to slow things down in my life & realize that good things happen in due time including love, success, and spirituality. I'm too wrapped up in my feelings to be concerned with how he feels about me. Like Erin's wall says, "What someone else thinks about you is none of your business!"
180 degrees
Do people really change? Well, if it is at all possible- I am not a believer. I am also starting to find that I am not a believer in love either! This is kind of sad because everytime I hear someone talking about their "significant other" it just makes me cringe. Why? I think it has something to do with men being shit! Okay that's enough, because I will not be made out to be this "angry Black woman" who bashes men... but I am so sick of drama and niggas bullshitting me!
Today it came to me that I have been making a shame of myself, you know, fool me once shame on you... In the last three years I have become super forgiving. I've found myself erasing numbers instead of changing the name to "Don't Answer" on my phone, which still gives me the possibility of picking up. Well, I am cutting that shit out. I need to call it as I see it, there is no such thing as forgiveness in my life anymore. Let's call it what it really is; forgiving is just a period of time in between the moment a person betrays you and the NEXT time they do it, because PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE. There is no thing new under the sun!
How can you so easily dismiss me? How can you roll over my feelings and sum them up as just game? It's not even that, but how dare you call me and ask for a ride after "standing me up"? Niggas have no shame in 2007 & you want to know something, neither do I! Then we need to get on Polaris, this fool starts texting me today like nothing ever fucking happened between him. Luckily I am on the edge from "That New Nigga" that I was able to let him go. A month ago, even after all we went through, when he called I WAS ANSWERING. I'm not going to lie, he still has his own ring in my phone, but that's it.
There it is! Polaris will never change, "That New Nigga" doesn't care enough about me to mention him, Boston... Boston... Boston- we kicked in the revival yet and still, it's all the same. I need to face the facts, niggas don't know how to recognize a real woman... Someone who is generally interested in making them a better man, someone who has no ulterior motives other than their happiness, someone who has the whole package- yet is still willing to grow & conform even, someone like me!
Well, I know how to change. Change is not foreign to me! Matter fact I am making a change right now. No more pursuing. He knows my facebook, my number, where I live. He can believe what he may... because I am apparently setting him up?!?! He can continue to play games, but I never will. I'm all real, I don't play games- "Not even board games!" lol. Tricks are for kids, and niggas at OSU really show their age! Love is blind, his bruh ain't. He CHOOSES not to see! So, it's time to turn my back & it's time to turn around.
Today it came to me that I have been making a shame of myself, you know, fool me once shame on you... In the last three years I have become super forgiving. I've found myself erasing numbers instead of changing the name to "Don't Answer" on my phone, which still gives me the possibility of picking up. Well, I am cutting that shit out. I need to call it as I see it, there is no such thing as forgiveness in my life anymore. Let's call it what it really is; forgiving is just a period of time in between the moment a person betrays you and the NEXT time they do it, because PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE. There is no thing new under the sun!
How can you so easily dismiss me? How can you roll over my feelings and sum them up as just game? It's not even that, but how dare you call me and ask for a ride after "standing me up"? Niggas have no shame in 2007 & you want to know something, neither do I! Then we need to get on Polaris, this fool starts texting me today like nothing ever fucking happened between him. Luckily I am on the edge from "That New Nigga" that I was able to let him go. A month ago, even after all we went through, when he called I WAS ANSWERING. I'm not going to lie, he still has his own ring in my phone, but that's it.
There it is! Polaris will never change, "That New Nigga" doesn't care enough about me to mention him, Boston... Boston... Boston- we kicked in the revival yet and still, it's all the same. I need to face the facts, niggas don't know how to recognize a real woman... Someone who is generally interested in making them a better man, someone who has no ulterior motives other than their happiness, someone who has the whole package- yet is still willing to grow & conform even, someone like me!
Well, I know how to change. Change is not foreign to me! Matter fact I am making a change right now. No more pursuing. He knows my facebook, my number, where I live. He can believe what he may... because I am apparently setting him up?!?! He can continue to play games, but I never will. I'm all real, I don't play games- "Not even board games!" lol. Tricks are for kids, and niggas at OSU really show their age! Love is blind, his bruh ain't. He CHOOSES not to see! So, it's time to turn my back & it's time to turn around.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Hide & Seek
Lately I have been concentrating on decisions; decisions that will make my life better. For the longest- I've thought myself to be one of the world's greatest actresses, but as it turns out I wear my feelings & my heart right on my sleeve. When I told my sister Erin I was thinking about moving, she told me to do what is right for my life. I then told her that I haven't been happy in a really long time, & she replied, "I can tell. I always want to ask you what's wrong but I don't know how you will react." It got me to thinking that maybe I'm not doing so well at pretending I am something that I am not.
I can't remember the last time I wrote a poem. I usually only write poems when I am feeling a dude, or very sad. It's not just writer's block this time around, it seems that I've been so sad, that I can't even write. The factor that usually inspired my art is now so severe that I can't even produce? That's fucked up. I can't even find a way to vent anymore.... other than this blog that is.
It's incredible that people talk to me everyday & they don't have an inkling of who I really am & what's even more extraordinary is the fact that I am in my own skin & even I don't know who I am. I have been trying to find myself for a long time now, but I have come up empty handed. At this point, I'm just hiding from myself.
I can say one thing with certainty about myself, I am a masochist. I love to endure pain, why? I couldn't tell you to save my life. I am mean to people and I like the guys that are mean to me. I find happiness in things/people who are bad for me. I am in a hell of my own making.
I went to the skating party on Saturday and ran into this guy I had a little summer fling with last year. It was actually a friendship gone bad i.e. super psycho stalker. What's even crazier is the fact that I almost called him today. Then, as I was watching Grey's Anatomy- there was a scene when Burke reminded me of "Maize & Blue", and for a brief moment, I wanted to call him too. But then reality struck. That's the one thing about moving back to Cleveland that I don't want to face. I never want to see him again, ever! It's for the best. I keep wondering why Yahweh won't let things work out for me romantically & I am starting to figure it out.
As I was giving advice to my friend Aric the other night, it got me to thinking about my own friendships. Maybe I force things that may not be so great to have. Maybe Yahweh is protecting me because I give people too much credit way too early. I tend to find the good in people, but maybe it's not even that these guys are so good, but more the fact that it's the "I want what I can't have syndrome". For example there is actually this kid I have been trying to talk to for a little while and it's just not working. He seems to be a perfectly good soul, but it's all one sided, yet I keep calling- keep texting. I think the thought of rejection keeps me striving, but there is a time when one has to stop beating a dead horse. It came with Jason Moore(NOT so timely might I say). It came with _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. I guess it sort of happened with Mike in a round about way. Never did quite happen with Sean Coffey (but that's a whole other story), so now I think the time will come with that new nigga soon. It seems like a lot of un needed drama is arising from this situation. I'm getting accused of being in cahoots now? Crazy! I have an acquaintance who is apparently feeling him too. She doesn't mention him to me, & even when asked he won't give me any info on her other than, "It just ain't work out!" All I know is, I need to learn to let people go who aren't holding on to me. I am a good woman who has the ability to make any man happy beyond matter. Niggas NEVER realize it when I am after them, but mark my work- he will look back on this moment....
If you didn't know, now you know you're going to miss- my love. & I ain't worried about a doggone thang. Cause I was true when I gave you my love. If you search you will never find a love like my love, YOU'RE GOING TO MISS Me! I ain't got time while you sit around and play with my love.
okay, lol, had to hit em' with the Destiny's Child interlude. That song always reminds me of Jason Moore hitting me up two years ago, after all he put me through in Jr. High & high school. Funny shit! Like it would all be forgotten, now that he is realizing I am a mutha fuckin beast!
I am just tired of being polite to everyone. That's not the real me. I am sick of being infactuated with guys to the point that I don't allow them to see the real me; in the end they write me off as being this image which couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm like that Blonde Hair Blue Eyed chick, but with personality. And now my phone rings...
for a moment there I felt like the dumb blonde, because I almost answered to the "dead horse" on the other end. I can't keep beating dead horses, I cant! I won't listen to the voicemail & I won't be sucked back in! Like I was saying before, I am like that Blonde Hair Blue Eyed chick, but with personality. I am thoroughly the whole package. I am going to stop letting people think I am something I am not & let them fall in love with the real me. I am going to stop hiding from these niggas-I-want & more importantly I am going to stop hiding from myself!
I can't remember the last time I wrote a poem. I usually only write poems when I am feeling a dude, or very sad. It's not just writer's block this time around, it seems that I've been so sad, that I can't even write. The factor that usually inspired my art is now so severe that I can't even produce? That's fucked up. I can't even find a way to vent anymore.... other than this blog that is.
It's incredible that people talk to me everyday & they don't have an inkling of who I really am & what's even more extraordinary is the fact that I am in my own skin & even I don't know who I am. I have been trying to find myself for a long time now, but I have come up empty handed. At this point, I'm just hiding from myself.
I can say one thing with certainty about myself, I am a masochist. I love to endure pain, why? I couldn't tell you to save my life. I am mean to people and I like the guys that are mean to me. I find happiness in things/people who are bad for me. I am in a hell of my own making.
I went to the skating party on Saturday and ran into this guy I had a little summer fling with last year. It was actually a friendship gone bad i.e. super psycho stalker. What's even crazier is the fact that I almost called him today. Then, as I was watching Grey's Anatomy- there was a scene when Burke reminded me of "Maize & Blue", and for a brief moment, I wanted to call him too. But then reality struck. That's the one thing about moving back to Cleveland that I don't want to face. I never want to see him again, ever! It's for the best. I keep wondering why Yahweh won't let things work out for me romantically & I am starting to figure it out.
As I was giving advice to my friend Aric the other night, it got me to thinking about my own friendships. Maybe I force things that may not be so great to have. Maybe Yahweh is protecting me because I give people too much credit way too early. I tend to find the good in people, but maybe it's not even that these guys are so good, but more the fact that it's the "I want what I can't have syndrome". For example there is actually this kid I have been trying to talk to for a little while and it's just not working. He seems to be a perfectly good soul, but it's all one sided, yet I keep calling- keep texting. I think the thought of rejection keeps me striving, but there is a time when one has to stop beating a dead horse. It came with Jason Moore(NOT so timely might I say). It came with _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. I guess it sort of happened with Mike in a round about way. Never did quite happen with Sean Coffey (but that's a whole other story), so now I think the time will come with that new nigga soon. It seems like a lot of un needed drama is arising from this situation. I'm getting accused of being in cahoots now? Crazy! I have an acquaintance who is apparently feeling him too. She doesn't mention him to me, & even when asked he won't give me any info on her other than, "It just ain't work out!" All I know is, I need to learn to let people go who aren't holding on to me. I am a good woman who has the ability to make any man happy beyond matter. Niggas NEVER realize it when I am after them, but mark my work- he will look back on this moment....
If you didn't know, now you know you're going to miss- my love. & I ain't worried about a doggone thang. Cause I was true when I gave you my love. If you search you will never find a love like my love, YOU'RE GOING TO MISS Me! I ain't got time while you sit around and play with my love.
okay, lol, had to hit em' with the Destiny's Child interlude. That song always reminds me of Jason Moore hitting me up two years ago, after all he put me through in Jr. High & high school. Funny shit! Like it would all be forgotten, now that he is realizing I am a mutha fuckin beast!
I am just tired of being polite to everyone. That's not the real me. I am sick of being infactuated with guys to the point that I don't allow them to see the real me; in the end they write me off as being this image which couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm like that Blonde Hair Blue Eyed chick, but with personality. And now my phone rings...
for a moment there I felt like the dumb blonde, because I almost answered to the "dead horse" on the other end. I can't keep beating dead horses, I cant! I won't listen to the voicemail & I won't be sucked back in! Like I was saying before, I am like that Blonde Hair Blue Eyed chick, but with personality. I am thoroughly the whole package. I am going to stop letting people think I am something I am not & let them fall in love with the real me. I am going to stop hiding from these niggas-I-want & more importantly I am going to stop hiding from myself!
Monday, May 08, 2006
Importance
It's very hard to lose track of what is really important in life. Family, "REAL" friends, love, success... these things are the uncontrollable, yet most important factors in life. Maybe not in that exact order, but this is what is comes down to. Lately I have been trying real hard to share my love, but I am starting to realize that maybe I should be a little selfish. Maybe I am just a little too promiscuous with my affection. It is time for me to love myself & my self only.
I have tried for the last month to like a guy and to treat him the way he wants to be treated. I have even gone out the box & been incredibly nice to him, but to no avail! What makes more since is that I be myself. If I am the perfect person- & still I get no love- I get no act right... then I may as well be the real me. No more walking on egg shells. From her on out I am concentrating on loving those who love me. My family is VERY important to me right now because they are my only constant. I do have one friend who has stuck with me no matter what & I see that even though he has not cleared everything in his life with me, I have to be happy about his decisions & more than anything be happy for him and his happiness. I guess one could say I am living vicariously through him, lol.
More than anything, I know that people don't know the real me. The Lindsay who makes up dance routines (how many people really know about the progression of the "Go Lindsay" dance since high school), the Lindsay who use to miss class b/c her hair wasn't done, the Lindsay who loves to cook for her friends, buys passionate gifts, gets said because others don't see the real her. I am in love with myself, even though I get down at times. I am happy with the woman I have become and the well-rounded human being I am developing into. & the most important success I have had is realizing who I really am and still loving every moment of it!
I have tried for the last month to like a guy and to treat him the way he wants to be treated. I have even gone out the box & been incredibly nice to him, but to no avail! What makes more since is that I be myself. If I am the perfect person- & still I get no love- I get no act right... then I may as well be the real me. No more walking on egg shells. From her on out I am concentrating on loving those who love me. My family is VERY important to me right now because they are my only constant. I do have one friend who has stuck with me no matter what & I see that even though he has not cleared everything in his life with me, I have to be happy about his decisions & more than anything be happy for him and his happiness. I guess one could say I am living vicariously through him, lol.
More than anything, I know that people don't know the real me. The Lindsay who makes up dance routines (how many people really know about the progression of the "Go Lindsay" dance since high school), the Lindsay who use to miss class b/c her hair wasn't done, the Lindsay who loves to cook for her friends, buys passionate gifts, gets said because others don't see the real her. I am in love with myself, even though I get down at times. I am happy with the woman I have become and the well-rounded human being I am developing into. & the most important success I have had is realizing who I really am and still loving every moment of it!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
I'ma Grown Ass Woman!
Yes, your girl is officially in her twenty fourth year of life! I was real depressed on my twenty third birthday and didn't do much to celebrate, but now three days later I do truly appreciate being alive. I know things seem bad right now in my life, but all these years of despair are worth every moment of joy I have ever experienced. I am going out tonight... will I run into "him" I don't know. I guess things will go as Yahweh has planned, but I sometimes wonder what he has in store for me?
Right now I am dedicated to being mad focused, on me that is. I want to get my life together by the years end. I am starting now, this is a long term goal... happiness. It's going to take hell of hard work and determination, but I know what it takes. Hopefully, a year from now this will all be a bad dream. I will have a degree and be headed out of CO, or at least I will have found something here worth staying for. All I can say is I am proud of my progression and the adult I have become since the same time a year ago. Learning from my experiences has helped me dearly.
Right now I am dedicated to being mad focused, on me that is. I want to get my life together by the years end. I am starting now, this is a long term goal... happiness. It's going to take hell of hard work and determination, but I know what it takes. Hopefully, a year from now this will all be a bad dream. I will have a degree and be headed out of CO, or at least I will have found something here worth staying for. All I can say is I am proud of my progression and the adult I have become since the same time a year ago. Learning from my experiences has helped me dearly.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)