Dreaming

I dreamed of Charge-it-to-the-Game last night. It was weird. Every time I feel something ending I run back to the first person who hurt me. I start to think of him and where we went wrong. I start to compare and wonder if I've grown. Am I making the same mistakes now that I did when I was 17? That would be a shame. Some people go their entire lives never find the one. It's my personal belief that until you find the one, you will keep making the same mistakes. Or maybe it's that the one will love you enough to look over your mistakes and infirmities. We all have them. I am not sure where my relationship is headed. Maybe I am dreaming, but on the good days I think it could last forever. Then someone says something wrong and an argument erupts from no where. We fight over nothing. We have nothing to fight about. It's our egos. Taurus have those you know? I keep wondering if we can get over our differences. I keep wondering if either one of us will let our guard down. If we both do, this could be something. At the end of the day I am in love and it's not over until it's over. When I think of him I smile. He makes me happy. I have something that none of my friends have. I don't need to shout it from the roof top. I don't need to announce it on Facebook. I have the kind of respect for this man that makes me do things without him asking. I've cut all my males friends off. No more "innocent" text message conversations. I don't really party and drink like I use to. I guess I a looking to solidify things. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I would never want anything to come up, no matter how innocent it may have been, that would make him doubt me. I am going to trust that he is doing the same and until I find out I am just dreaming--this is real.

I Feel Nothing

My heart is so heavy yet so empty. I keep telling myself I am going to do better, but each time I fall hard and get dropped harder. I don't see how it's so easy. How is it easy to not even consider a person you once claimed to love? When did it become the it thing to punish a person who shows they genuinely care for you? I have a lot of friends who treat people--including me--like shit. I always pitied them for it. It's like they are incapable of love. Now, I am realizing they were probably dropped one too many times. I said last time was the last time. I know one thing for certain, I am done with love. I am done loving people who don't give a damn about me.

Preexisting Conditions

Do I tell him I've been hurt before. Can I tell him I've been damaged?
Will he end up getting trust from me like so many before him managed?
I know he's a black man, but will he be an Indian giver?
Snatch the rug from up under my feet--make me cry him a river?
I tried to soften up for him, showed him my vulnerable side.
Said a lot of hurtful things, packed away a lot of pride.
 All he can see is the negative and he will never understand what it took.
To move on so blindly and a start a new chapter in this book.
He will never know how strong I had to be to give us a chance.
He will never know how weak I turned once he had me in his hands.
And for some naive reason I had the notion he'd protect me.
Never saw it coming that he would disrespect, reject and neglect me.
Is it fair that I've been dropped for having these preexisting conditions?
Hated, thrown away like I'm nothing and a lot of things I can't mention?
Trust issues, inferiority complexes and a host of imperfections?
No more insurance, no reassurances, vetoed out, no re-elections?
If I would have known I wouldn't have disclosed my secrets--it was all for nothing.
If I would have known I wouldn't have shown love--I thought we had something.
I never had anyone love me. I never though I would. Apparently I was right.
I need to give in to this something but all I can do is fight.
 Once again, someone pretended to have me with the cruelest of intentions.
Turned his back on me when I was at my lowest and in the greatest need of his attention.
All I could do is reason with him and try to beg-to-be our relationships retention.
He said he was in love but one can't just speak love into existence.
He asked for the key to his heart back then said, "I love you." with no conviction.
I've finally learned in this life no one winks over preexisting conditions.

 Perfect timing.Imperfect love. Imperfect me.

 -For Jarhead

Stand by Me

I never knew what love felt like, 'til He took my hand. Knowing a love like this couldn't come from a natural man. And I make so many mistakes, but He never holds them against me... throws them in my face and pretends to befriend me. Everything we are was pure from the start. Can't even imagine a day when we would part. When I'm absent He's in my heart, when I veer He pushes me on track. I never have to wonder who is going to have my back. I doubt him at every turn yet He's still there to prove. What I can't see from my limited view. And even though I can see him I know what's other never will. What they can't understand is what I know is real. I'm can't tell you what's up or down, but I know to look to Him. And matters that seemed impossible, problems that showed dim... back against the way, are places I was never meant to be. Ways are made of no way and he always stands by me

Faith, Belief, Confidence, Trust, Hope

I'm here and I never though I would be. Life is defined by trials, tribulations and tests. I am trying to walk with a stride that shows my confidence in Dr. Kinley and what He has in store. I have a way of saying a lot by saying nothing. Speaking in code by speaking plainly. This is serious business. I know Kinley is testing me. I know I will fail; I always do, but I am trusting that he will pick up the pieces. That he has something prepared for me. The mistakes I've made leave me baffled. It surprises me that I have made it this far in life without in true disasters. He has truly protected me. I am in a relationship right now that I truly respect. We have a lot of conflicting opinions on what the world is. I call myself religious. He doesn't know what he believes in. I wouldn't call him an Atheist though. Almost everything I believe comes from what Dr. Kinley has shown me. How can I share love with a person who mocks, jokes and has complete disbelief in everything my life is about? I am truly in love with this man but how can he truly love me back if he doesn't know what love is? If he doesn't know who Kinley is? If he doesn't even know who Jesus is supposed to be? I know praying doesn't change anything, but I keep praying to Him. I keep asking for physical stuff and I know it's not right. I am so conflicted. I keep asking Kinley to make everything okay. I keep asking him to give me another chance. I went through the ringer when Michael and I stopped talking back in July. I thought it was the end of my life. I truly thought I would never love another man again, but I was wrong--so wrong. I am starting to realize, certain people are for certain things. At the time I felt like Yahweh hated me. I am ashamed to say it, but even now, while I am happy, I still question if he loves me. It's like I am so nervous to have the rug ripped from underneath me. It's a really negative way to think but I am so consumed with what could go wrong that I can't even enjoy my relationship. I've taken to this blog many times. Crying about what I can't changed. Rejoicing about something or someone new. But, I've never been here.

Tears for the Past, Prayers for the Future

We seldom thank Yahweh for the things He never brought to pass. When we are in a bind we send prayers up--if we aren't too scared to talk to Him. When things are good, we don't mind giving thanks. We beg for things we don't need and turn our noses up at things we don't want. At every turn we are contempt with being content. Almost never do we take the time to reflect on what could have been. We never think about why things are the way they are. We are unappreciative and ungrateful. We refuse to consider not only why but by what means. The means are His grace. Relationships always plagued me. For the first time in years, I am in one I cherish. We argue and have issues, but thinking about him makes me happy. He cares about my life. He shows interest in a what I do. Things aren't perfect but it's a pleasure to be a contestant. Only one other relationship held this seriousness and that turned out to be a joke. And although I am in the midst of good times, I can't help but think about the past. Today, I thought about Big Time. He's in prison. I also thought about ALIas. He's in prison too. I went down the line, one by one and I am so glad Yahweh didn't allow them to happen. I think about Charge it to the Game. I think about Tee, Esco Bar and even Dynamite and they just weren't meant to be. Or maybe it's more of, I wasn't meant to be. I was too young. I didn't know myself. If they would have happened then, I would have been so unhappy now. And if I would have had them then and been unhappy now I would be unhappy FOREVER. Instead, I have Jarhead. Right now I'm pouring liquor out. Rest in Peace to my past. I don't know what Yahweh has planned for the future but I won't question it. I can tell from the past that it will be okay. But, I don't really need prayers because I have faith. But I shall pray and praise him anyway <3

It Be Like That...

Relationships are hard. I try. I fail. I love. I am tricked. Same story different face. Hurt is normal. They say good sentences are under twenty five words, but what if my feelings runs on? I think men take me as a joke and I think I make it easy on them. I'd like to say I don't care, but I do. I'd like to say I am like the rest of my friends, but I am not. Maybe it's a flaw in me. Maybe my flaws are why they don't stay. I know I am not perfect, but what makes it easy to hate a person? What makes it so easy to never consider what another person feels? I use to think it was some men, but this last man just proved it's all men. I am not the relationship type. I can't handle when it's over. Money taught me something important; longevity does not equal loyalty. And Teufelshunde taught me something most important; love amongst man does not exist. Two invaluable lessons. I met Money when I was 12. I met Teufelshunde this year. Same result. And it hurts no less. I had a conversation with Darling a month ago about relationships. We had been flirting with the idea of being in one until Teufelshunde came along. He said monogamy doesn't scare him, but relationships do. "...I dont need to go other places. I have spent a lot of time with [one person]. It's the relying on just one person for all other needs. And when that person is unavailable you are stuck." I didn't get what he meant then, but I get it now. We need to take people for who they are. The thing about relationships is you never know if a person was serious until it's over. You never know if it were game until time expires. He never loved me. He was never in love with me. I always knew this deep down. He was always looking for a way out while I was looking for a way in. In the end, there was nothing I could say to change his mind about how he felt for me, so I had to let him go. Why make him suffer if it's that hard to care about me? It's not worth it. Most days I disappoint myself. After I love, I say, "I told you so." I keep thinking this time is going to be different. It is what it is. It be like that in the hood sometimes, G. Men can't accept love. And women are blind a naive. I thought it was different. I think I need another break to figure out what's for me. But do I have two more years. Cheers to 24 months of solace.

Talk to Me

"I want to talk to [Yah], but I'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long."

There is only one I need and he is the only who I can talk to, but I get discouraged. I think impossible feats. I've wonder if he hates me. I've wondered if we really knew each other. Now all those ponderings seem so silly.

He gives you what you need. And when you ask and listen he'll tell you what you need to hear.

My only regret is that I don't talk to him more. My only regret is that I don't pray more. I worry so much about things that don't matter--things that were never in to be out. I'll admit it. I admit it. I am so flawed. These aren't excuses because there could never be a worthy excuse. These are just facts. In the end--as if there was one--He knows how I feel about him. Even when I doubt, my doubts aren't real.

The only thing that's ever been real is Yahweh. Call him what you want but I'll call him Dad. I know there is no greater love and I'm grateful to be a recipient. I'm making a lot of mistakes and I hope they lead me to better things because only He has the power to do that and I know its possible. I want to hear His voice.

The Thing About Yahweh Is...

One can never be certain of what's in His plan and what He's going to do next. No matter what you think is right, if he deems it wrong, that is what it is. And when you do wrong, you're condemned. Not matter which way you slice it. Yahweh doesn't play games. He brought someone into my life a few weeks ago. This guy has become an over night celebrity. Like so many before him, I am uncertain. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I made the aware. I have loved in vain. Now, it seems like I have met a person who gets me and I feel like I have no love to give. It sucks. But time heals all. I hope my boyfriend is as amazing as I think he is. And I hope can live up to the woman he needs me to be. In the end, it's all up to Yahweh and it'a all about Yahweh. I just hope I'm in His plan.

Decisions

I have an interview for a position in my field this coming Friday. I met someone special last Friday. The weekend was good to me. Our first date was Friday. We met for ice-cream. Our second date was Saturday. We had dinner then hit a movie--which we both slept through. Sunday, I had him meet me for a walk which turned into a hike. Afterwards we did dinner. I swear this feels like something real. Well, as soon as I was getting comfortable with the idea of staying in Columbus for another year and possibly moving on with a great guy, I get the call for an interview with a company which is 200 miles away. I really hope I get the job. And I really hope I get him too. I guess time will tell.

Updates, New Dates

Charge-It-To-The-Game! He's married. He got married a year ago. She's beautiful. They have a son. They may have a daughter too, but that has yet to be confirmed. She looks happy. He looks good. And that is all there is to it. Moving on can seem like such a trifle. You put it on the back burner, forget about feelings and convince yourself that it will be easy to keep it pushing. That couldn't be any farther from the truth. Moving on is hard. Feelings of love do not die. So, how can one move on, call what they had true, but still find a way to get rid of those feelings long enough to find happiness with someone else? I've been harboring feelings for the man for decades and I don't want to waste anymore love on someone who never considered me. I think a behavior started when with him. I learned to love people who don't love me. I learned to go on red. I learned to ignore the basic concepts I was taught a child. From Charge It spawned 50-50, Candle Light, Esco, IDMR aka Dynomite and countless others. I've thrown my feelings toward men who consistently duck them. I'd be a fool to claim I'm not at fault. I'm not sad about it, anymore. I just need a resolve. I have a date tonight--kind of a blind date. My mom asked me last night if I was seeing anyone. She's never asked me that. My dad asked me the same question a couple months ago. He never asks me anything, ever! It's crazy, but for the first time in a long time I am content and comfortable being alone. With Mike, I really thought we had special--not sure if I had a blog code name for him, but oh well. Oh yeah, the Good Angel--but it wasn't special at all. Well, it was special for me, but apparently it was a game for him. I was broken up about it for a while, but now, I don't think I will ever feel that way about anyone again. Maybe if I one day have a child. But I honestly don't think I have the mental capacity to love on that level anymore. I never thought I had it in me to begin with. I kind of surprised myself. I was proud, until it was over. Even now, I can't say I regret it, but I regret that it ended. Anyhow, my parents are itching for me to be in something. I am 29, unwed and childless. That sounds pathetic on paper, but I am quite happy. The drama and ups and downs of a relationship just aren't for me. I don't think I'm the marrying kind. Anyhow, I have this date tonight. I don't want to go in negatively, but I'm not too interested. I will be open minded and see where it takes me, but for the sake of getting my parents off of my back, I need to at least say I'm dating someone. For a while there was Darling. Well, I guess there still is Darling. But he is in Cleveland and I am here. And I am quite certain he is more serious about someone else. Not that I care. We have nice dates here and there. Well, I don't call them dates, but he does. He had to tour the sister Law Firm in Columbus, so he was here on business two weeks ago today and I got to show him a little bit of Columbus. We are always on a good note, but I don't see it going anywhere. We are in two different eras of our lives. Plus, I tend to get intimidated by successful men. I guess it's my own insecurities. I feel like I don't deserve them. I run a list of what a man is in my head and instead of considering the universe has finally thrown me a bone, I somehow convince myself that the universe has thrown me another dog. I gots' to get better!

Just Pray

In these last few days I keep reminding myself that a prayer to Yashua will not go unanswered.  I keep going through the ups and downs on adulthood and I am certain my experiences and regrets are not unique. I sometimes, moat times feel trapped. The simple things I once did, I can't find the mental space for. And those are the things that kept me sane. Vicious cycle, huh?

I'm lying here knowing that prayer doesn't change the book, but I hope He already willed it into His plan.

Halleluyah!

Protected but not Exempt

Sometimes, I get down and I lose sight of what's important in life. Life its self is important. And He is life. I've questioned if Yahweh loves me. I've questions if He hates me. I've questioned the only option and the unfathomable. And gladly, in the end I know the truth. I was one of the few chosen from birth to learn of His true teaching. I have an awesome responsibility. I find condemnation in what most of my friends have made a way of life. There are certain things I just can't do. It's not worth it. I know better. Earlier, I read a blog about Penn State's football program receiving the death penalty. The writer argued a lenient judgement may be rendered because of the affect the penalty could have on the community, it's fans, students, and the school as a whole. She also countered that when a rapist or murderer is convicted, the judge or jury don't take into consideration the convicted is the sole bread winner. It's never thought about. All of the people who fall victim to the convicted suffer blindly. So why should Penn State be any different? I said all of that to say this, every move I make I think about my future. I think about the last name that I carry now. I think about what would make my future husband proud. I think about leading my future children by example. I consider how much pain it would put my family through if I went down a certain path. They'd suffer blindly, and I want nothing farther from that. I am not saying I am perfect. I am not saying I have yet to make astronomical mistakes. All I can say is moving forward I refuse to put myself in those positions again. Anything that embarrasses me and bares my name? One day I will have to face it head on. And if I never have to explain why I did it or what I did, the condemnation is already going on in my heart. A conscience isn't a conscience at all. That voice is Yahweh. There is no such thing as free will. The difference is, only a son knows right from wrong. The difference is, even after a son has done wrong, it's not back sliding. One who is not with Yahweh doesn't know the feeling of regret. The condemnation should let one know where one stands. Is he/she in the body? I realize that just because Yahweh has me does not mean that I am exempt from pain. What it means is I will be subjected to pain even more. Parents are the hardest on the child they want to succeed. I was subject to be vain in the same token I was subject to feel pain. I find peace in the fact that no matter how low I get, He is with me. He is my protection. And when He is your protection, you need no defense. You need not be exempt.

Better--Don't Leave Me Like You Came

I took a two week cleanse from social networks. I know this sounds silly, but I needed it. In those two weeks I learned a lot about myself. I learned how to be alone with my thoughts. This has been a trying year for me. I met someone who took me so high, that rock bottom felt like an all-time low. The reality is, I've been that low before, but I'd never been that high. Money walked out of my life for reasons I can't explain. Well, he isn't out of my life altogether and we actually didn't meet in 2012. We met in '95. We'd lost contact and I convinced myself there was a reason we found each other after a decade. But 2011 taught me a valuable lesson; what's in the past is sometimes supposed to be left there. Three friendships I resuscitated in 2011 came back to bite me in the ass. I've learned my lesson. Move forward at all costs. I feel a lot better. A couple of days after the blow up with Money, a friend contacted me for a date. What shall we call him? How about "Law of Attraction." On the drive up to Cleveland for the date, I was a mess. Crying. Migraine. As anyone who read my last few posts can tell, I was really down. But after that Friday night, I felt new again. In life we really do need friends to pick us up sometimes. I am trying to focus on those kind of people--those kind of friends. The kinds who always look for the positive and are constantly looking for ways to put me in a better headspace. I've always been that pinnacle for so many and it felt good to have that reciprocated for once. My feelings for men are BIPOLAR. Up high and down low. I love hard, but when it's lost I go into depression. I cry so hardly until I feel nothing at all. Then, I walk away. I hate to have regret when the love I had for someone was so pure and sincere. I hate to apologize or feel guilt over having a naturally good feeling. But in the end I find myself feeling so stupid. I make claims and deny everything I know is true. But my cleanse taught me it is okay to be a sucker for love. I am not the bad guy. He is. I did what was right. Although I am off my social-network cleanse, I am not off of my spiritual cleanse. I want to know what it is Kinley will have me see. What's the lesson? I took a two year break from men and I thought I'd learned a lesson. But then Money came and all my precautions went with the wind. I am thinking I need to get back to the root of me--my foundation. On an episode of SATC, The Post-It Sticks Twice (yes I am that obsessed with the SJP production that I know the name of every episode), Carrie makes a statement, "if you're never someone's girlfriend, you can never be someone's ex-girlfriend." I fucking feel that statement. "If you never say your name out loud to anyone, they can never ever call you by it." ~Regina Spektor

Sweet 16

Your golden birthday was last year and I wish I could have spent it with you But you were too busy so I didn't even send a text And no matter how much hurt I think you've put me through, You glance a smile and I am ready to take on what's next Ups and downs like a roller coaster, but it's exactly were I want to be You keep me grounded and humble but your spirt makes me lose gravity So funny how feelings arise for men who couldn't give a care if their life depended And still I get lost going down the same path And my heart comes back in pieces after it's been mended and the road less traveled gets the last laugh I keep telling myself to give up on love, everything isn't for everybody Love should be given to me freely, yet it's something I have to always lobby You're turning 30 in two years and I wonder how far away I will be I've had these beautiful moments planned out for you in my head Will I be cornerstone in your life? Will life be sweet? Or will I be still be standing here instead Happy birthday Dynamite 7-27-12

Alone

I'm lying here at five a.m. thinking of nothing else but him. Before, whenever I was stressed, I'd text him, but he took that option away. What does it mean when someone says they need space? Is that final? Is it for a few days? Just weeks ago he was saying our friendship is the only thing keeping him afloat. Is that still the case?

Now, the only one who hears my thoughts are Yahweh. I have no else to talk to. This is why I can't put stock into friendships in the physical. They never work out. I wish I would have prayed more.

I threw caution to the wind and now all I can wonder is if this was all a game for him? I'm trying not to think the worse or jump to a negative conclusion, but I've been here before. We've been here before.

I was analyzing anorexia and bulimia with w friend. I love food, so I get binging and no wanting to reap the losses. But anorexia makes no sense. I guess in that token, I see how people commit suicide. I understand the selfishness. I see how hard it is to reach out for help only to have your hand slapped down. I get going so low, lower than you've ever been, lower than you ever thought you could go. I understand feeling so much hate and never knowing how it feels to be loved, truly loved.

I remember the things my parental did and said to me. And no matter how far we've come in my adulthood, there are nights when I cry myself to sleep, still. I see how my sisters look at me--I'm the Fuck up. It's always the baby. I can't name one friend...not one, after all the times I've lender my shoulder, I can't think of one person. And I know we aren't supposed to question Yahweh, ever, but there are times when I wonder if he hates me?

Pray more. I know our relationship is what needs work. Maybe he's given ne this silences with the Angel to clear my head. So I'm going to pray. I'm going to talk to Yahweh and I hope he talks back to me because I have no where to turn.

Halo for an Angel

Everywhere I'm looking now, I'm surrounded by your embrace. I never met a man I didn't regret, but nothing about us can be a mistake. I keep telling myself to let well enough alone, no picking up the phone. But the light from your halo has showed me something I was never shone. When you're around I'm complete. When you're around I am better. I feel like I can take on the world. There isn't a storm I can't weather. And I can't compare you to any other man, because everything before you ended. The only option for me is to give you my heart. I can't even lend it. The games I've played with other people could never apply to you. Even when I'm made as hell at you, the love keeps shining through. Who knows if this love is open-ended. Crap, I don't even know if it's one-sided. All I know is my heart was lost for a long time and Yahweh let you find it. I've given my love to strangers. Not one of them ever cared for me. I thought I was unlovable. I thought I was ugly. I beat myself up so badly, I'd beat people to the punch. And when I was at my lowest, you showed up and gave me love. And even if it's over and done, I'm so glad I got to know. What people write songs about, being on the other end of the bow. And even if you were playing games and this was all just a joke. I know that feeling of love could never be a hoax. I always knew there had to be something to the other side of the game. I loved so many too deeply. I did it all in vain. I wasted a lot of time and effort and the saddest of all I wasted it all on lust. You're someone I was skeptical of and somehow I gave you all my trust. Like I said before, even if this was never meant. I thank Yahweh for the love from you, which has to be heaven sent. -For the Good Angel I will always love you. You will always love me. No one has ever showed me the amount of joy you brought to my life. I just hope it was real. I hope it is real.

Four Letter Word

My heart is heavy and I'm done. This time was like nothing I've ever imagined. It's crazy how quickly things can end. Without notice. I haven't been writing in this blog a lot lately, but I've been reading my old posts. And it seems for the last 6 years, I haven't had anything new to say. It's the same drama over and over. It saddens me that love is so fluid to some people. The concept has always be so concrete to me. Solid. This time around I was really fooled. I thought we had something special and here it is Saturday and he hasn't responded to my texts since Wednesday. Here I am sending cookies and cards and shit. I was so naive. I believe what I want to hear. And men say what you want to hear. So when does the vicious cycle end? He's cut me deep. I haven't cried this hard on the inside in a long time. Maybe ever. Moments like this have me wondering if I was ever loved. Was I ever cared? I think I'm done with this blog. Maybe it's a bad omen. Maybe I am the bad omen, but I need something to blame it on. I feel so alone all the time. No one cares. No one listens. I am sick of always being the friend to cheer everyone up. Where is my encouragement? Where is my shoulder to lean on? Without him, I feel like nothing.

Same Sh1t Different Toilet

I don't know what to do anymore. Every time I think I've found someone I love, it ends bitterly. All the signs come rushing in and no matter how hard I try to ignore them, the entire time I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know why I thought it would be different with the Good Angel. Maybe it's because we have so much history. Maybe it's because I thought he was my friend. Maybe I am just going crazy. I don't want love anymore...not if this is what it feels like. I always fell bad. I always feel upset. Someone who would encourage me to move to Paris, but can't imagine me moving near him? What's the point? To say I got a ring? To say I am a mother? To make people jealous or feel fulfilled? What's the point of it all? I want something real and nothing in this world is real at all, so I want nothing at all. I have to let him fly. That's what angels do anyway, right?

Ashamed

I don't know what to think or what to say. I am sad. Sad for no reason. Angry for no reason, in particular. I honestly feel...no one's ever felt the way I do. I never thought I would feel this feeling. I always thought I deserved it. I've loved so many people who never gave a care about me. I am sick of giving. I am sick of being the one who always says the right thing and is always the bigger person and who always feels condemned. I don't know what to do or say anymore. In fact, I feel like I've said and done EVERYTHING I could have. I played my cards right, and still nothing. So, I'm done. Not all angels are good angels.