Better--Don't Leave Me Like You Came

I took a two week cleanse from social networks. I know this sounds silly, but I needed it. In those two weeks I learned a lot about myself. I learned how to be alone with my thoughts. This has been a trying year for me. I met someone who took me so high, that rock bottom felt like an all-time low. The reality is, I've been that low before, but I'd never been that high. Money walked out of my life for reasons I can't explain. Well, he isn't out of my life altogether and we actually didn't meet in 2012. We met in '95. We'd lost contact and I convinced myself there was a reason we found each other after a decade. But 2011 taught me a valuable lesson; what's in the past is sometimes supposed to be left there. Three friendships I resuscitated in 2011 came back to bite me in the ass. I've learned my lesson. Move forward at all costs. I feel a lot better. A couple of days after the blow up with Money, a friend contacted me for a date. What shall we call him? How about "Law of Attraction." On the drive up to Cleveland for the date, I was a mess. Crying. Migraine. As anyone who read my last few posts can tell, I was really down. But after that Friday night, I felt new again. In life we really do need friends to pick us up sometimes. I am trying to focus on those kind of people--those kind of friends. The kinds who always look for the positive and are constantly looking for ways to put me in a better headspace. I've always been that pinnacle for so many and it felt good to have that reciprocated for once. My feelings for men are BIPOLAR. Up high and down low. I love hard, but when it's lost I go into depression. I cry so hardly until I feel nothing at all. Then, I walk away. I hate to have regret when the love I had for someone was so pure and sincere. I hate to apologize or feel guilt over having a naturally good feeling. But in the end I find myself feeling so stupid. I make claims and deny everything I know is true. But my cleanse taught me it is okay to be a sucker for love. I am not the bad guy. He is. I did what was right. Although I am off my social-network cleanse, I am not off of my spiritual cleanse. I want to know what it is Kinley will have me see. What's the lesson? I took a two year break from men and I thought I'd learned a lesson. But then Money came and all my precautions went with the wind. I am thinking I need to get back to the root of me--my foundation. On an episode of SATC, The Post-It Sticks Twice (yes I am that obsessed with the SJP production that I know the name of every episode), Carrie makes a statement, "if you're never someone's girlfriend, you can never be someone's ex-girlfriend." I fucking feel that statement. "If you never say your name out loud to anyone, they can never ever call you by it." ~Regina Spektor