Just Pray

In these last few days I keep reminding myself that a prayer to Yashua will not go unanswered.  I keep going through the ups and downs on adulthood and I am certain my experiences and regrets are not unique. I sometimes, moat times feel trapped. The simple things I once did, I can't find the mental space for. And those are the things that kept me sane. Vicious cycle, huh?

I'm lying here knowing that prayer doesn't change the book, but I hope He already willed it into His plan.

Halleluyah!

Protected but not Exempt

Sometimes, I get down and I lose sight of what's important in life. Life its self is important. And He is life. I've questioned if Yahweh loves me. I've questions if He hates me. I've questioned the only option and the unfathomable. And gladly, in the end I know the truth. I was one of the few chosen from birth to learn of His true teaching. I have an awesome responsibility. I find condemnation in what most of my friends have made a way of life. There are certain things I just can't do. It's not worth it. I know better. Earlier, I read a blog about Penn State's football program receiving the death penalty. The writer argued a lenient judgement may be rendered because of the affect the penalty could have on the community, it's fans, students, and the school as a whole. She also countered that when a rapist or murderer is convicted, the judge or jury don't take into consideration the convicted is the sole bread winner. It's never thought about. All of the people who fall victim to the convicted suffer blindly. So why should Penn State be any different? I said all of that to say this, every move I make I think about my future. I think about the last name that I carry now. I think about what would make my future husband proud. I think about leading my future children by example. I consider how much pain it would put my family through if I went down a certain path. They'd suffer blindly, and I want nothing farther from that. I am not saying I am perfect. I am not saying I have yet to make astronomical mistakes. All I can say is moving forward I refuse to put myself in those positions again. Anything that embarrasses me and bares my name? One day I will have to face it head on. And if I never have to explain why I did it or what I did, the condemnation is already going on in my heart. A conscience isn't a conscience at all. That voice is Yahweh. There is no such thing as free will. The difference is, only a son knows right from wrong. The difference is, even after a son has done wrong, it's not back sliding. One who is not with Yahweh doesn't know the feeling of regret. The condemnation should let one know where one stands. Is he/she in the body? I realize that just because Yahweh has me does not mean that I am exempt from pain. What it means is I will be subjected to pain even more. Parents are the hardest on the child they want to succeed. I was subject to be vain in the same token I was subject to feel pain. I find peace in the fact that no matter how low I get, He is with me. He is my protection. And when He is your protection, you need no defense. You need not be exempt.

Better--Don't Leave Me Like You Came

I took a two week cleanse from social networks. I know this sounds silly, but I needed it. In those two weeks I learned a lot about myself. I learned how to be alone with my thoughts. This has been a trying year for me. I met someone who took me so high, that rock bottom felt like an all-time low. The reality is, I've been that low before, but I'd never been that high. Money walked out of my life for reasons I can't explain. Well, he isn't out of my life altogether and we actually didn't meet in 2012. We met in '95. We'd lost contact and I convinced myself there was a reason we found each other after a decade. But 2011 taught me a valuable lesson; what's in the past is sometimes supposed to be left there. Three friendships I resuscitated in 2011 came back to bite me in the ass. I've learned my lesson. Move forward at all costs. I feel a lot better. A couple of days after the blow up with Money, a friend contacted me for a date. What shall we call him? How about "Law of Attraction." On the drive up to Cleveland for the date, I was a mess. Crying. Migraine. As anyone who read my last few posts can tell, I was really down. But after that Friday night, I felt new again. In life we really do need friends to pick us up sometimes. I am trying to focus on those kind of people--those kind of friends. The kinds who always look for the positive and are constantly looking for ways to put me in a better headspace. I've always been that pinnacle for so many and it felt good to have that reciprocated for once. My feelings for men are BIPOLAR. Up high and down low. I love hard, but when it's lost I go into depression. I cry so hardly until I feel nothing at all. Then, I walk away. I hate to have regret when the love I had for someone was so pure and sincere. I hate to apologize or feel guilt over having a naturally good feeling. But in the end I find myself feeling so stupid. I make claims and deny everything I know is true. But my cleanse taught me it is okay to be a sucker for love. I am not the bad guy. He is. I did what was right. Although I am off my social-network cleanse, I am not off of my spiritual cleanse. I want to know what it is Kinley will have me see. What's the lesson? I took a two year break from men and I thought I'd learned a lesson. But then Money came and all my precautions went with the wind. I am thinking I need to get back to the root of me--my foundation. On an episode of SATC, The Post-It Sticks Twice (yes I am that obsessed with the SJP production that I know the name of every episode), Carrie makes a statement, "if you're never someone's girlfriend, you can never be someone's ex-girlfriend." I fucking feel that statement. "If you never say your name out loud to anyone, they can never ever call you by it." ~Regina Spektor

Sweet 16

Your golden birthday was last year and I wish I could have spent it with you But you were too busy so I didn't even send a text And no matter how much hurt I think you've put me through, You glance a smile and I am ready to take on what's next Ups and downs like a roller coaster, but it's exactly were I want to be You keep me grounded and humble but your spirt makes me lose gravity So funny how feelings arise for men who couldn't give a care if their life depended And still I get lost going down the same path And my heart comes back in pieces after it's been mended and the road less traveled gets the last laugh I keep telling myself to give up on love, everything isn't for everybody Love should be given to me freely, yet it's something I have to always lobby You're turning 30 in two years and I wonder how far away I will be I've had these beautiful moments planned out for you in my head Will I be cornerstone in your life? Will life be sweet? Or will I be still be standing here instead Happy birthday Dynamite 7-27-12

Alone

I'm lying here at five a.m. thinking of nothing else but him. Before, whenever I was stressed, I'd text him, but he took that option away. What does it mean when someone says they need space? Is that final? Is it for a few days? Just weeks ago he was saying our friendship is the only thing keeping him afloat. Is that still the case?

Now, the only one who hears my thoughts are Yahweh. I have no else to talk to. This is why I can't put stock into friendships in the physical. They never work out. I wish I would have prayed more.

I threw caution to the wind and now all I can wonder is if this was all a game for him? I'm trying not to think the worse or jump to a negative conclusion, but I've been here before. We've been here before.

I was analyzing anorexia and bulimia with w friend. I love food, so I get binging and no wanting to reap the losses. But anorexia makes no sense. I guess in that token, I see how people commit suicide. I understand the selfishness. I see how hard it is to reach out for help only to have your hand slapped down. I get going so low, lower than you've ever been, lower than you ever thought you could go. I understand feeling so much hate and never knowing how it feels to be loved, truly loved.

I remember the things my parental did and said to me. And no matter how far we've come in my adulthood, there are nights when I cry myself to sleep, still. I see how my sisters look at me--I'm the Fuck up. It's always the baby. I can't name one friend...not one, after all the times I've lender my shoulder, I can't think of one person. And I know we aren't supposed to question Yahweh, ever, but there are times when I wonder if he hates me?

Pray more. I know our relationship is what needs work. Maybe he's given ne this silences with the Angel to clear my head. So I'm going to pray. I'm going to talk to Yahweh and I hope he talks back to me because I have no where to turn.

Halo for an Angel

Everywhere I'm looking now, I'm surrounded by your embrace. I never met a man I didn't regret, but nothing about us can be a mistake. I keep telling myself to let well enough alone, no picking up the phone. But the light from your halo has showed me something I was never shone. When you're around I'm complete. When you're around I am better. I feel like I can take on the world. There isn't a storm I can't weather. And I can't compare you to any other man, because everything before you ended. The only option for me is to give you my heart. I can't even lend it. The games I've played with other people could never apply to you. Even when I'm made as hell at you, the love keeps shining through. Who knows if this love is open-ended. Crap, I don't even know if it's one-sided. All I know is my heart was lost for a long time and Yahweh let you find it. I've given my love to strangers. Not one of them ever cared for me. I thought I was unlovable. I thought I was ugly. I beat myself up so badly, I'd beat people to the punch. And when I was at my lowest, you showed up and gave me love. And even if it's over and done, I'm so glad I got to know. What people write songs about, being on the other end of the bow. And even if you were playing games and this was all just a joke. I know that feeling of love could never be a hoax. I always knew there had to be something to the other side of the game. I loved so many too deeply. I did it all in vain. I wasted a lot of time and effort and the saddest of all I wasted it all on lust. You're someone I was skeptical of and somehow I gave you all my trust. Like I said before, even if this was never meant. I thank Yahweh for the love from you, which has to be heaven sent. -For the Good Angel I will always love you. You will always love me. No one has ever showed me the amount of joy you brought to my life. I just hope it was real. I hope it is real.

Four Letter Word

My heart is heavy and I'm done. This time was like nothing I've ever imagined. It's crazy how quickly things can end. Without notice. I haven't been writing in this blog a lot lately, but I've been reading my old posts. And it seems for the last 6 years, I haven't had anything new to say. It's the same drama over and over. It saddens me that love is so fluid to some people. The concept has always be so concrete to me. Solid. This time around I was really fooled. I thought we had something special and here it is Saturday and he hasn't responded to my texts since Wednesday. Here I am sending cookies and cards and shit. I was so naive. I believe what I want to hear. And men say what you want to hear. So when does the vicious cycle end? He's cut me deep. I haven't cried this hard on the inside in a long time. Maybe ever. Moments like this have me wondering if I was ever loved. Was I ever cared? I think I'm done with this blog. Maybe it's a bad omen. Maybe I am the bad omen, but I need something to blame it on. I feel so alone all the time. No one cares. No one listens. I am sick of always being the friend to cheer everyone up. Where is my encouragement? Where is my shoulder to lean on? Without him, I feel like nothing.

Same Sh1t Different Toilet

I don't know what to do anymore. Every time I think I've found someone I love, it ends bitterly. All the signs come rushing in and no matter how hard I try to ignore them, the entire time I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know why I thought it would be different with the Good Angel. Maybe it's because we have so much history. Maybe it's because I thought he was my friend. Maybe I am just going crazy. I don't want love anymore...not if this is what it feels like. I always fell bad. I always feel upset. Someone who would encourage me to move to Paris, but can't imagine me moving near him? What's the point? To say I got a ring? To say I am a mother? To make people jealous or feel fulfilled? What's the point of it all? I want something real and nothing in this world is real at all, so I want nothing at all. I have to let him fly. That's what angels do anyway, right?

Ashamed

I don't know what to think or what to say. I am sad. Sad for no reason. Angry for no reason, in particular. I honestly feel...no one's ever felt the way I do. I never thought I would feel this feeling. I always thought I deserved it. I've loved so many people who never gave a care about me. I am sick of giving. I am sick of being the one who always says the right thing and is always the bigger person and who always feels condemned. I don't know what to do or say anymore. In fact, I feel like I've said and done EVERYTHING I could have. I played my cards right, and still nothing. So, I'm done. Not all angels are good angels.

We Found Love

"It's like screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless...like nothing can save you. And when it's over and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good." -Agyness Deyn

Vent Session

Just when I thought things were going perfectly, they're all falling apart. How is it that someone can willingly give me lip service with no plans to back any of it up? At first I thought this was the beginning of something special. Now, I feel like this was the beginning of the end. It's like the same shit that was going on when we were 13 is the shit that's happening now. Have we not grown? Have I not learned my lesson? I'm only getting half of the story--at best. And I'm certain his version is laced with lies. Was there ever a time he wasn't deceitful with me? Why make unsolicited promises if you're not sincere? It makes no sense to me. Now it's raining. How did I get here? I can't believe in love. Every time I let go, my heart gets drug through the mud. I tired of it. But with him it's like one day he's telling me we are just friends and acting coy like nothing more is going on and the next day he is telling me to download Lotus Flower Bomb because it explains how he looks at me. Mixed fucking messages. I am sick of deciphering them. It's like he's a Taurus and claims it to the heart, but he still isn't upfront, bold, any of the above. I mean what I say and I say what I feel. If I am ready to walk out of his life, the only thing he is willing to do is let me. So I can't stay.

Hard

Good people are hard to come by in this cold world. Decency is a common as wealth. It's a struggle. I've been let down around every corner for so long that I find myself constantly on the defense. I never trust. I'm always suspicious. But in the end, how can I ask for trust if I'm not ready to give it out?

I am trying to develop a more positive and forgiving demeanor. There is no way I am going to build life long friendships or find a relationship worth having without making some major changes in my life, both internally and externally. Spiritual connections start with unity.

The thing is, good, genuine folk are hard to come by. And I'm concerned that I may have driven some away. I guess it's so hard because I'm so soft. The most sensitive people are usually the most guarded. Being hurt isn't a joke. Even when I've been in denial, those feelings crept out.

Maize & Blue, he was a pivotal moment in my life. Charge It To The Game, he sealed my destiny. I still dream about him. I'll probably never see him again. I allowed men who couldn't have cared less about me to dictact the direction of my life. I could have been anywhere I wanted to be right now.

They say forgive your enemies but don't forget their faces. Sometimes it is best to forgive and forget. What of love lost? It's a hard thing especially when you're searching for something that's not meant to ever be found.

Stuff

Limbo. Stunted. Writer-blocked.

For a long time my heart was very cold. It seemed like at every turn love was unrequited. So, in efforts to protect myself, I shot from the hip. It became a game of diss him before he disses me. Always on the defense. I spent too long a time with men who thought they were better than me. And now, I met someone who is truly too good for me, but he never viewed our relationship in that way. And of course I messed it up.

For the first time ever I realized how insecure I am when it comes to men. This makes me sad.

The thing is, we all want perfection. We all want to be happy. But what's the perfect opportunity worth if one  isn't ready to take advantage of it?

The first time we ever talked, he told me he loses interest in women fastly. How ironic it is that I'm the loss interest. I never thought I'd have feelings for him. Never even thought I'd be attracted. Now I am trying to find a way back into his good graces. Instead, I'll likely move on...

They say there is no worse feeling than loving someone who use to love you.

And Baby, It's You

Maybe we're too different, but I can't tell apart our souls.
And maybe you're too good for me, cause we can set apart our goals.
Or maybe I'm too hood for you, then again you don't even know...
Then ins and outs of me which could make you whole.
I'm not saying I'm your better half, not claiming the potential.
But seeing us together in my mind I can see the differential...
I can see a better woman, but I'll keep this to myself.
Can't tell my feelings in vain, don't wanna woo you for my health.
I don't know enough to be sure, but beautiful isn't in question.
And I don't know a way up from here, but I hope we are destined.
Just looking into your eyes has me trapped.
Wonder what would have happened if I would have turned back.
But I can't relive the past, I'm just bidding on a better future.
What do I have to do to have our two worlds sutured?
A fish and a bird can fall in love, but where shall they live?
Inside my heart, because that's all I have to give.

"I'm giving all my love away and there's only one reason that I would."-Jesse Powell

Once You Learn, You Don't Have To Be Taught

I'm happy. No matter the downs that come and go, I've found solace. There are a lot of things I learned early on in life that have made me hard and sometimes cold, but I appreciate the truth.

The lack of friends over the years has made me independent. And knowing how fickle women can be, well that's led me to walk with my guard up. One never knows when he/she might have to swing.

More than anything my paranoia has given me fair judgement to sift out the really genuine people who are truly good at heart. Standing firm on the judgement, I've been blessed to find and keep a few of those great ones.

With that being said, I'm ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. Yahweh has taught me and He has kept me. I've listened and I've learned. I've learned to wait. Waiting on Him is the best thing that I've ever  been taught. And this is the beginning of the end of my lessons...here on earth atleast. Sweet dreams!

A Key Without a Lock or a Lock Without a Key

What's worse? I never thought a lot about love, being in love or being alone. Well, I've thought about them,but not in the terms of how they play a role in my life. But now that I'm getting older, I am starting to wonder when will love come. Will I ever fall in love? Am I going to spend the rest of my life alone?

It's been nearly a decade since I was in a relationship I truly cared about. Of course there have been men I thought mattered, but once they cheated or let me down in some other inevitable way, it was over just as quickly as it began. The days of finding a man whom I care for for no reason at all, are they gone? I think that's where true love lies--a person who you love with no strings attached. Nothing in the world can deter the feelings you have for that person. What they do or don't have doesn't matter. Now a days it's all about education, career path, home ownership, cars and money. I can't move like that. Of course those things play a part and I'd be a liar not to admit it, but what about character? When I look at a man I want to know about his family life. What are his parents like and what kind of relationship does he have with them...siblings? How religious is he? What kind of father would he be and more importantly what kind of women does he go after?

I know I'm a good woman, but sometimes I think maybe I am too damaged. Have I been through too much? If this was the mob, they'd off me because I know too much. Should I accept this? No more dating the men I like. No more careless loving? Guys claim not to want a gold digger, but they set us up to be that way. When we love freely, we end up trapped and mistreated. Where's the middle ground?

I have a lot of questions. What's worse, a key without a lock or a lock without a key? I guess a lock can always be picked, but who wants their love to be stolen? And a key can always be worn or carried, but then the use it or lose it theme comes into play. Who are you? Queen Latifah? Welp, I can't make or force a man into anything. It's not the way I move. I wish it were. I really do. Men like to be chased these days. But I like to be loved.

Life is Short

I got the DVD of Chris' funeral in the mail today and had the guts to watch it. I'm kind of in a weird space right now. I'm starting to realize, one can't understand death until one understands life.

There are a lot of thing that get focus they shouldn't and we don't seem to ever put enough stock into those people and things that matter the most. Why is that?

I am trying not to be resistent to happiness...but somethings just aren't meant to be. The life that I always wanted...the life I knew I'd have, I guess it isn't in the stars. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting it. C'est la vie.

The Fact Remains

The things that are best for us usually don't go down easily & aren't sweet to the tongue. It takes effort. It takes patience. And it takes faith. As I enter this next chapter of my life, I know that I can't force anything. No thing that was meant to be has ever gone undone.

All I can continue to do is love. My family, friends and acquaintances deserve my best. I deserve the best of myself.

I'm on a journey to cleanse and improve my inner & outer beauty. I started Weight Watchers two weeks ago. So far I've lost 6 lbs of the 35 I intend to shed. I realize that my body will never be what it was when I was 18,  but I miss the confidence when looking in the mirror.

I have an appointment with a dermatologist in two weeks. I hope to get my skin back in order as well.

No one is going to love what I can't love about myself. I will not be one of those self conscious women who spend the majority of their time complaining and being unhappy. I choose to live.

I'm not sure what's going to happen. I hope to move into my career by June--something in my field that makes me happy or atleast contributes to my level of experience. I also can't wait for the privacy of single living, either. I have a lot a plans and I just want to change for the better...because I know the after taste will be rewarding.

Love Over Everything

I met someone special. Let me start over. Chris died and I'm still sick about it. He and I started as FB friends and he became so much more. He was a great man and in the grand scheme of things, a lifelong friend.

Late nights like this I would have found myself chatting with him on Facebook. Instead...so one night shortly after he died, I laid in bed crying. I took to Facebook and started a chat with, well, I don't know what his code name should be. Let's call him Tongue-in-Cheek. Great conversation. Although be it random, I want nothing about our friendship to stay random.

Anyhow, we met at Josh' bday party and he is sexy, successful and smart. The kind of smart that makes me swoon. He is so attractive and laid back. I know nothing about this man, but I want to know everything. I only hope he feels the same way.

Who knows what, if anything, will come of he & I. Friends at the least. Love either way. In love? I hope! I keep finding myself looking for excuses to text him. But I'm going to fall back until the weekend.

He is amazing. And I just want to listen to him talk. Is that too much to ask? Too soon to be feeling this way? If so, I don't care. He is worth the possible humiliation. He's just fabulous. More later <3

A Beautiful Mind

Every now and again, people come into my life who make me question everything I am. Their downs make my ups look so low. It's not that they put me down, but they always seem to lift me up and make me want to be a better person. It doesn't hurt when they are just as beautiful on the outside as they are on the inside. But it does hurt when they are taken away. That is Chris.

Mourning can be a very ugly and because we are spiritual beings having a natural experience, at times we lose sight of the big picture; the only death we need to fear is a spiritual death. I am grateful that Chris was brought into my life and for whatever the reason, I trust why Yahweh has taken him. He had such a beautiful mind and I am really going to miss his point-of-view being part of my daily routine. He was an open book on FB & Twitter and although this chapter has ended I look forward to reading what's next.

P.S. Insomnia was so much sweeter knowing I had someone on the west coast to clown with 'til the wee hours. Rest In Peace Chris Mccoy June 25, 1985-Feb. 21, 2012